Cosmetic Surgery & Dating

LegacyUser · 14-03-2021 10:46PM #1

Just looking for some general feedback.

I am a size 10 woman in my late 20’s, who has lead a healthy lifestyle with a balanced diet and regular exercise for the last number of years. Despite this, I have a persistent spare tyre of stubborn fat around my hip and lower tummy area that I can’t seem to shift no matter how hard I try.

This really effects my confidence and I am extremely insecure about it. I have decided that for once and for all, I want to do something about it. So I will be getting one of the less invasive types of liposuction to remove it.
I have bounced the idea off a few friends and family and they all think I am absolutely insane, as I am in good shape and quite slim. They support my decision but think I’m crazy to do it.

I have met with a reputable surgeon who has told me while I am definitely on the slimmer side of patients he normally treats, he has performed the surgery on women of my size with the same concern before.

I am currently dating and hoping to settle down soon, but considering my family and friends reacted so badly to the news I’m afraid someone I am newly dating would think I either have mental health issues, self esteem issues or that I’m extremely vain and narcissistic to be getting such a surgery.
So I’m wondering should I stop dating and delete the apps until after I have the procedure, and have recovered?
I’m afraid of being judged negatively for making this choice for myself, I think people would be more sympathetic and understanding if I was a little bit heavier but because they perceive me to be in good shape, they just don’t understand.

Would men find it off putting and a red flag, or am I overthinking it?

Any advice and feedback is welcome, thanks!

YellowLead · 15-03-2021 10:59AM

I think you are over thinking slightly.

Why would you need to tell anybody???
Unless you are already in relationship and somebody is asking where you’ve gone for the day or why there is a bandage.

It would be odd to be matching and chatting and then say to a stranger - hey I’m getting liposuction next week.

It sounds like this is not something you need physically - based on how slim you are and how your family and friends reacted. But clearly there is a mental/emotional issue there around it. I’m the same with my nose - I’d love to get it fixed but don’t have the cash right now. Just be sure that you are not relying on this surgery to be happy or you think it will make you more dateable.

Good luck with everything!

bitofabind · 15-03-2021 11:08AM

Does it matter what anyone else thinks, if you know it’s something that will give you a confidence boost? And why do you feel like you need to tell anyone about this anyway?

I’m in my mid 30s and have had a few tweakments. Incredibly common these days and barely noticeable to anyone except me. I don’t share with people generally though as the public perception versus the reality of this kind of thing isn’t something I care to deal with. My body, my business, and I feel bloody great for it. Go and do what you want to do and don’t worry about anyone else. You probably don’t “need” it, but what does that matter, if you want to do something to enhance yourself and aren’t harming anyone in the process, then outside opinions are irrelevant.

Idle Passerby · 15-03-2021 11:24AM

It's no ones business if you want to get this done. There's certainly no need to tell people your casuslly dating. It does sound unnecessary though, would CBT for your insecurity not be a wiser option? Also, if your anticipating ever having kids, (maybe you aren't of course) you'll be back to square one with the belly so it seems a little pointless.

Jequ0n · 15-03-2021 11:26AM

I couldn’t care less what other people do with their bodies. If it makes you feel better/ more confident then do it.

However...your post is not only about your dissatisfaction with your body, the main part of it is centred around other peoples opinions.

If you have problems with insecurity in general the operation might just be a sticking plaster

Kerry25x · 15-03-2021 11:34AM

If its something you want and you're a candidate (eg your surgeon doesn't think its something that could just reoccur) then its your decision, don't worry what any one else thinks. I'm pregnant now so might need to think about doing something similar when I'm done with babies!

LegacyUser · 15-03-2021 11:43AM

Thanks for the replies so far.

If I could get away without mentioning it I would absolutely do that. But the recovery is quite grim, involving drains, and I will also have to wear a medical compression garment (a corset type thing) for 4-6 weeks post surgery. The corsets are quite hard and rigid, so even if they can’t be seen under my clothes, anyone who touches my back or stomach will definitely be able to feel it.

It will also be kind of obvious if I suddenly go from having a spare tyre to not having one, and while scarring should be minimal I don’t know how long I will have to avoid intimacy for while I’m healing.

I suppose I recognise that I’m going to a lot of pain, expense and effort to correct an issue that only I can see and I am just a bit afraid of coming across as high maintenance or narcissistic and I was thinking it might be easier to wait till I’m recovered so I can avoid addressing it completely and say nothing.

I don’t see how I could avoid mentioning it to someone I’m dating unless I lie through my teeth and I’d rather not start off a perspective relationship like that.

Xterminator · 15-03-2021 12:06PM

Hi Op

This really effects my confidence and I am extremely insecure about it.

you are not doing this for other people. so why worry about their perception? why even inform them?

obviously your partner will need to be informed, if you are in a committed relationship. but that would be it. If its casual dating, then even that is not required.

if anyone asks tell them your on X exercise programme and its great.

LegacyUser · 15-03-2021 12:24PM

Wondering12345 wrote: »

Thanks for the replies so far.

If I could get away without mentioning it I would absolutely do that. But the recovery is quite grim, involving drains, and I will also have to wear a medical compression garment (a corset type thing) for 4-6 weeks post surgery. The corsets are quite hard and rigid, so even if they can’t be seen under my clothes, anyone who touches my back or stomach will definitely be able to feel it.

OP you've already spoke to the doctor so I assume you are quite close to getting this done so why are you thinking about dating? You should be focusing on your recovery not organizing dates. My friend just had a similar procedure done, I'm going to guess slightly more invasive then what you are planning and he was in bits for weeks. He had to lie on his stomach for nearly a week and as you say had compression clothes for 8 weeks. Going on a date was the last thing he was thinking about as he was in pain (manageable but there was pain) and a lot of discomfort.

You are way overthinking things on the dating side, go get the procedure done if its what you want for you then when the recovery time is done treat yourself to some nice new outfits and go on a few dates, no need to tell them anything.

Faith · 15-03-2021 12:24PM

I'm slightly torn on my reply, so I'll outline the thoughts I have!

1. I completely understand insecurity about your body. I am dreadfully insecure about most of my body and would happily have surgery to change it. So in that, I support your decision to do it.

2. On the other hand, the way you describe yourself makes me worry that the 'issue' is more about self-confidence and self-esteem than a 'spare tyre'. Women naturally carry fat around those areas and there's often very little we can do about it. Have you ever considered having some therapy to become more accepting of your natural body shape, right than surgery to "fix" it? You speak a lot about other people in your post so that's what makes me worry it's more about perception than reality.

3. If you do have the surgery, will you end up regaining weight in that area? It's unlikely to be a permanent fix. How would you feel if you spent all that money and time on recovery, only for your weight to redistribute back there, or any weight you may gain or fluctuate to go there?

Idle Passerby · 15-03-2021 12:37PM

Are you actually dating anyone currently OP? I'm reading it as you are currently dating but no one in particular. If that's the case and the recovery sounds gruesome, why not just take a break til your fully healed?

It's a little concerning that a size 10 wants lipo but more so if your determined to keep going on first dates straight after a big surgery with a difficult recovery period. Why the rush?

15-03-2021 12:39PM

I wouldn't judge someone for that. It's only something minor.

YellowLead · 15-03-2021 12:47PM

Echo the advice to just pause the dating while in recovery - it’s only 6 weeks! You’re not seeing anyone currently from what I can gather.

If you are not sure when you are having the surgery and think you might meet somebody in advance and be actively dating them in person then you can just mention that you had some surgery and are in recovery - no need to go into detail on what kind if you don’t feel comfortable.

Princess Calla · 15-03-2021 12:59PM

The areas you describe are areas where natural fat deposits reside in girls.....all to do with child bearing.

I would have been a natural size 6-8 but I still had a "muffin top" .

Have you ever talked to a personal trainer? I remember mentioning it at a gym consult and they suggested a few different exercises. To be honest they did tone me up more but I'm also lazy so I decided to make peace with my muffin.

My "concerns" for you are, you still haven't had children, you will put weight on in these areas again....it's usually the first place weight goes....so it might turn out to be an expensive, painful exercise.

My second concern would be right now you still have "fear of the unknown" ....I would be worried that you get this done, recover , think oh that wasn't "too" bad and move onto an other area.

Ultimately it's up to you, best of luck

antix80 · 15-03-2021 04:40PM

Hi op..

So you're looking at a long recovery time. What are the costs?

Just an idea on a less drastic and less expensive option.
1. 6 weeks of counselling. €450.
2. 6 weeks of personal training twice a week. €500. The key is core exercises and weight training. You can still do cardio on your own time.

TheBoyConor · 15-03-2021 04:53PM

Just a word of warning here on the training and exercise thing - there is no such thing as spot reduction. There is no specific exercises that reduce fat in one specific place. Be warned - anyone who tells you otherwise is either ignorant of the facts, or a charlatan trying to sell you said exercises.

Mad_maxx · 15-03-2021 06:34PM

Wondering12345 wrote: »

Just looking for some general feedback.

I am a size 10 woman in my late 20’s, who has lead a healthy lifestyle with a balanced diet and regular exercise for the last number of years. Despite this, I have a persistent spare tyre of stubborn fat around my hip and lower tummy area that I can’t seem to shift no matter how hard I try.

This really effects my confidence and I am extremely insecure about it. I have decided that for once and for all, I want to do something about it. So I will be getting one of the less invasive types of liposuction to remove it.
I have bounced the idea off a few friends and family and they all think I am absolutely insane, as I am in good shape and quite slim. They support my decision but think I’m crazy to do it.

I have met with a reputable surgeon who has told me while I am definitely on the slimmer side of patients he normally treats, he has performed the surgery on women of my size with the same concern before.

I am currently dating and hoping to settle down soon, but considering my family and friends reacted so badly to the news I’m afraid someone I am newly dating would think I either have mental health issues, self esteem issues or that I’m extremely vain and narcissistic to be getting such a surgery.
So I’m wondering should I stop dating and delete the apps until after I have the procedure, and have recovered?
I’m afraid of being judged negatively for making this choice for myself, I think people would be more sympathetic and understanding if I was a little bit heavier but because they perceive me to be in good shape, they just don’t understand.

Would men find it off putting and a red flag, or am I overthinking it?

Any advice and feedback is welcome, thanks!

i dont see anything wrong with your choice , go for it

stop second guessing yourself

Rubberchikken · 15-03-2021 09:09PM

I'll go against the grain here and say I personally wouldn't consider surgery for this unless all avenues had been examined.

What about speaking with a personal trainer and seeing what could be achieved.
Maybe cbt to improve self esteem.

It's surgery which always carries a risk. I'm probably a bit of a coward where surgery is concerned so that's where my unwillingness comes in.

As others have said, with future pregnancy etc it could all come back on. What happens then?

LegacyUser · 16-03-2021 04:53PM

Thanks for the replies, just to clear up a few things I’ve actually had a personal trainer for the last 4 years, it’s something I’ve made a big investment in and have seen great results from.
Unfortunately it hasn’t helped with my problem area.

I’m not looking for an instant solution here, I’ve exhausted all other options before coming to this decision. I do weight training 3 times a week, get my 10k steps every day and go on a run or two a week, I don’t smoke, rarely drink and eat a balanced diet.

I actually consulted with my PT before deciding on this, and he said if I increased my training to x5 a week, increased my cardio and stuck to a strict high protein diet (versus my current balanced diet) for a few months, then I might see a bit more improvement in the area.

But in all honesty, when restrictions are lifted I don’t want to be spending all my spare time in the gym and worrying about going over my macros. I don’t want to miss out on occasions because I’m worrying about my diet. .
Especially when past experiences tells me that I still won’t see much improvement - I’ll probably lose the weight off every other part of my body knowing my luck, making the spare tyre even more prominent.

My surgery isn’t until early May which is 6 weeks away, so 6 weeks after that is 12 weeks total which is a bit longer than I’d like to be out of the dating game after spending so long in lockdown but I guess it can’t be avoided.

Does anyone know regarding employment law, do I have to disclose to my employers or can I just take a few weeks of annual leave and say nothing upon my return? I have a desk/office job, for reference. Thanks for all the replies and help.

YellowLead · 16-03-2021 05:07PM

You don’t have to disclose what you do with your annual leave - just book the time off as holiday.

antix80 · 16-03-2021 07:24PM

Your pt is a hack if he told you to increase cardio. The solution is mainly weight training and ab work.. Plus calorie deficit of course.
Lipo is dumb. If you have excess fat that won't shift, it will reappear. Fyi if you have a baby you'll likely need a tummy tuck... Abs will be fuct.
Employment law wise... Don't tell them anything. V easy to get a vague cert saying "stomach issues". Sick leave often won't cover elective surgery.

Princess Calla · 16-03-2021 07:49PM

antix80 wrote: »

Your pt is a hack if he told you to increase cardio. The solution is mainly weight training and ab work.. Plus calorie deficit of course.
Lipo is dumb. If you have excess fat that won't shift, it will reappear. Fyi if you have a baby you'll likely need a tummy tuck... Abs will be fuct.
Employment law wise... Don't tell them anything. V easy to get a vague cert saying "stomach issues". Sick leave often won't cover elective surgery.

Just to clarify..

Are you saying if she has liposuction now and then a baby she'll need a tummy tuck?

Or in general, if she has a baby she'll need a tummy tuck?

Rubberchikken · 16-03-2021 08:59PM

Op
You seem to have everything covered exercise and diet wise so if it's something you really feel the need to do then that's your choice.
Good luck with your decision.

vikings2012 · 17-03-2021 01:13AM

Hi OP,

Im just going to give my opinion on what I would do if I was in your shoes.

Re. dating - personally I just wouldn’t feel comfortable dating and meeting new people why wearing drains and compression vest. Wearing a compression garment is not comfortable. I personally would take a break unless I was really comfortable with my dating partner.

Also re, dating and health. I hope the surgery goes brilliant for you. However you need to consider complications. Some people have excess bruising and/or hematoma development (blood build up). These complications can be persistent and might make you feel uncomfortable. They could double your recovery period. How would that make you feel and are you comfortable not dating for this period of time?

Re work - I assume you are going private? Regardless Just ask your surgeon to write ‘operation recovery’ on the sick cert. They understand this may be a sensitive issue for you. The surgeon shouldn’t have a problem with this.

Re post operation - please look after yourself and take it easy. Take as much rest as possible and follow all doctor/surgeon instructions. It you are given exercises try and do them.

Fixating on results - all surgeries are different and results are different for all patients. I can only imagine how you feel. The desire to have the ‘tyre’ removed. However in my opinion it’s important not to fixate on results especially immediately after operation. Take time to recovery. Oftentimes people have mix feelings after elective surgery. This is normal.

Im sure you have given endless thought to this procedure. I hope you have explored all other possible avenues. I believe surgery is always a last resort. Personally, I too would have the procedure if I have exhausted all other avenues. Life is short and I think everyone yearns for a confident lifestyle.

How did you find your surgeon ? Has he discussed aftercare with you and who will be emptying your drains etc? Have you spoke to your GP ?

I think it’s so important to trust your surgeon. For all procedures I would never recommend directly contacting surgeon. I believe in a referral system. If I were in your shoes, I would have discussed this with GP, underwent blood tests to make sure I was Ok prior surgery, referred to a specialist to ensure there are no underlying issues causing the ‘tyre’. Once satisfied that everything is normal I would proceed with operation.

Again the above is only my own personal opinion of what I would do if I was in a similar situation. It is not advice nor recommendations for you to follow.

Best of luck

jimd2 · 17-03-2021 08:47AM

I am not sure if the insecurity relates to how you think others will view your body when out walking etc or during intimate times with your boyfriend.

Let me assure you that 99% of guys love the female form in all shapes and the issues that you highlight are just non issues. You sound to have a brilliant lifestyle and I think that having this procedure will be giving in to an insecurity with no guarantee that your body will remain like that as time goes on.

Have a look at others your age around you - you are probably in way better shape than the majority.

You may need to counselling to get around this insecurity. However, if you are 100% sure that you want to go ahead with this please let it be the last time and don’t continue to second guess your body.

RurtBeynolds · 17-03-2021 08:50AM

It sounds like a lot of pain and money for what will essentially be a very temporary fix.

bitofabind · 17-03-2021 10:25AM

Hi again OP. A few things are standing out to me as red flags here.

1. It sounds like you've spent many years mulling over this and have researched your options and decided to go ahead with the surgery. That's great and fair play to you. However. You also seem to be looking for validation of your decision in your family, friends and now thinking about how it'll be perceived by men you may date in the future.

Let me tell you as someone who has been under the knife (breast reduction), most people won't understand your decision and the majority will disagree with you. That's just the reality of it. My family thought I was bonkers, and I chose not to tell a lot of my friends because I didn't need the hassle of being dissuaded from doing something that was well considered and well researched and self funded. I knew it would improve my life and my self confidence. You know your own mind, and your body is your own. So I know it feels like it goes against your instincts, but you have to build some boundaries, trust yourself and not hope for outsiders to give you approval for something that you've decided already is right for you.

The other reason why I'm bringing this up is because cosmetic surgery can be addictive and it's a very unregulated industry. If you're making these decisions based primarily in insecurity, it's a slippery slope and your surgery could turn out to be counter-productive.

2. Why the dating urgency? This should be low on your priority list at the moment as you are preparing for surgery and a less mobile life for a few weeks as you recover from it. I know you have relationship / life goals but you also need perspective here. Trying to speed through your recovery could be massively detrimental, and dating before you've fully recovered will be painful, arduous and ultimately not worth it. Why are you reluctant to put dating on the back burner for a few months? Why not wait until you're stronger physically and mentally?

BuCkoTroN · 18-03-2021 09:25AM

Hi Op,

I dated a girl who wanted to go down the the same route your are exploring.

She lost a significant amount of weight and was left with excess skin/fat around the tummy area and tried to get rid of it with as lot of training plans which did not help.

Personally it never bothered myself, as I went through a similar body change and was lucky just to have stretch marks.

But it was a point of conversation no matter the amount of times, I was trying to reinforce the fact that she looked amazing.

I would just say to you, if you have explored every option, exhaustively researched the surgical route and weighed the risks.
This has obviously had an effect on your mental health for some time if you are going surgical, do what you feel is necessary for you not for anyone else.

If are worried about the halt to intimacy after the fact, trust me any partner with a grain compassion will understand.

Best of luck in whatever you decide on.

Bobtheman · 20-03-2021 02:30PM

Say nothing to anybody. Get it done in 6 months
Personally I would not find it off putting as a male. The important thing is you are happy with the decision. Most people don't think about you once you leave their presence.

pwurple · 20-03-2021 03:18PM

I understand the desire certainly , I’ve been seriously considering removing minor skin blemishes, and I have realigned and whitened my teeth ... a bit more opportunity to see my face these day on bloody conference calls.

I don’t expect much from my body than just general health and the ability to keep up with my kids. If I’m not sick I’m content enough.

others want a bit more though, I get it.

In my experience with two friends, liposuction didn’t quite meet their expectations . The results were “lumpy” , they had little dents or patches of tight or scarred skin afterwards. I didn’t see it, but it bothered them, probably because of the focus they had on the area in the first place.

If you’re ok with the expectation of it not being 100% as you dream , and accept the risks explained by the surgeon, then why not.

purplecow1977 · 21-03-2021 10:12PM

I wish I wasn't reading this while tucking into a packet of Giant Buttons....

But here are my thoughts:

I am not keen on cosmetic surgery unless other avenues have been explored. Are you the type of person to pick up on something else to 'fix' if you get liposuction on your stomach? It appears that women are under intense pressure to conform to a certain 'look' nowadays, and I'm just not entirely sure that cosmetic surgery in this instance is the best solution.

Then again, you weren't asking for opinions on whether we think it's right or wrong, but meeting someone new there is no pressure to divulge private information. They are unlikely to find out unless you told them about it.

Feeling as I do about cosmetic surgery, it would probably turn me off, unless it was something they had suffered extreme anxiety etc over. At the end of the day, the choice is yours, and if you feel it would make you genuinely happier, go for it.

I say this as a larger lady who's never had any issues bagging a man. Most men don't even see that spare tyre that you do - trust me.

Cosmetic Surgery & Dating

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