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Husband looking at my niece

  • 11-03-2021 10:35AM
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,005 ✭✭✭✭


    Myself and husband are both in mid-30s. My niece is living with us at the moment minding our two children, we couldn't find any other options with covid and glad to have her.

    She is 19. She is an attractive, fit young woman. She dresses like girls her age do. Yoga pants and form fitting clothing, nothing inappropriate, just like young women dress.

    I have caught my husband looking at her a few times. He had denied it. He has never said or done anything inappropriate towards her, been nothing but friendly to her and respectful. They get on well.

    I saw in the browsing history of our computer search terms for images, "toned teen ass", "teen yoga pants" etc. Obviously he's been fantasising about her. I told him what I found. He got embarrassed and said it had nothing to do with my niece, that sometimes he just looks at different things to get off to and that was something he'd looked at recently.

    Ordinarily I've no issue with him looking at some porn, I look at some too now and then and we sometimes look together. Our sex life is in decent shape.

    I could be overthinking this. And maybe he hasn't done anything wrong. But I just don't like it. I must stress he's never done anything predatory or anything like that, I just feel a bit ick about it.


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Comments

  • #2
    heretothere
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 635 ✭✭✭heretothere


    You might be seeing something that isn't there. She's an attractive woman living in your home and you might be comparing yourself to her and feeling a little insecure. As you said he hasn't done/ said anything inappropriate. Most people can't help but look at attractive people, myself included!


  • #3
    Sonic the Shaghog
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 713 ✭✭✭Sonic the Shaghog


    While it sucks he's making it obvious over your niece she's 19, so saying how he hasn't had any predator behaviour before isn't on, yes it's a bit ick, creepy, etc that's she's your niece and he's much older but mentioning predator behaviour is talking as if he's a child molester after a young girl.

    You'd want to be very careful with such talk, not only is it inaccurate but could blowback on you and him of anyone takes you up wrong.


  • #4
    Jin luk
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 389 ✭✭Jin luk


    Sonic the Shaghog wrote: »
    While it sucks he's making it obvious over your niece she's 19, so saying how he hasn't had any predator behaviour before isn't on, yes it's a bit ick, creepy, etc that's she's your niece and he's much older but mentioning predator behaviour is talking as if he's a child molester after a young girl.

    You'd want to be very careful with such talk, not only is it inaccurate but could blowback on you and him of anyone takes you up wrong.

    Exactly what I was thinking 'predator bahaviour' is a strong term to be using in that case


  • #5
    TheadoreT
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 922 ✭✭✭TheadoreT


    To be fair if he says his normal porn searches regularly include the word "teen" then its probably concerning what his taste in women are. He perhaps will never act on these urges but you'd be a little concerned with him being alone around your own kids now.


  • #6
    YellowLead
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,037 ✭✭✭YellowLead


    TheadoreT wrote: »
    To be fair if he says his normal porn searches regularly include the word "teen" then its probably concerning what his taste in women are. He perhaps will never act on these urges but you'd be a little concerned with him being alone around your own kids now.

    I think it’s a bit of a stretch to say that because a man in his 30s might find a 19 year old attractive, he would be a danger to his own children!!!!!! What?


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  • #7
    TheadoreT
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 922 ✭✭✭TheadoreT


    YellowLead wrote: »
    I think it’s a bit of a stretch to say that because a man in his 30s might find a 19 year old attractive, he would be a danger to his own children!!!!!! What?

    Its nothing to do with the niece. The OP says he told her he regularly searches for teen porn. Its his preference in taste. Giving the tender age of women and exploitative nature of much of this content at that age its definitely concerning imo.


  • #8
    Thelonious Monk
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 16,150 ✭✭✭✭Thelonious Monk


    TheadoreT wrote: »
    Its nothing to do with the niece. The OP says he told he her he regularly searches for teen porn. Its his preference in taste. Giving the tender age of women and exploitative nature of much of this content at that age its definitely concerning imo.

    "Teen" in the porn world usually means women up to the age of 25 or so. It's always one of the most popular categories.
    OP I would imagine he might glance by accident sometimes and you're on high alert as you're insecure about the whole thing. I remember being accused of looking at some girl years ago by girlfriend at the time and I hadn't even seen the girl she was talking about.
    Don't know what to tell you except I think you're being a bit harsh on him, especially with that language.


  • #9
    RurtBeynolds
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 385 ✭✭RurtBeynolds


    TheadoreT wrote: »
    Its nothing to do with the niece. The OP says he told he her he regularly searches for teen porn. Its his preference in taste. Giving the tender age of women and exploitative nature of much of this content at that age its definitely concerning imo.

    Teen porn, probably the most popular porn there is.

    Sure all men are pedos, aren't they? :rolleyes:


  • #10
    Airyfairy12
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,484 ✭✭✭Airyfairy12


    I wouldnt be too concerned, it's a sexual fantasy but nothing more and I think most men would find young women sexually attractive, nothing new there. The fact is, and he probably knows this himself, its not a sexual fantasy he likely has any desire to act out. The realty and the fantasy are two very different things.


  • #11
    Caranica
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,273 ✭✭✭✭Caranica


    I'd be more concerned about your niece finding the search history and freaking out about it!


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  • #12
    Sonic the Shaghog
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 713 ✭✭✭Sonic the Shaghog


    TheadoreT wrote: »
    To be fair if he says his normal porn searches regularly include the word "teen" then its probably concerning what his taste in women are. He perhaps will never act on these urges but you'd be a little concerned with him being alone around your own kids now.

    Teen porn references 18/19

    Frankly I think your comment says more about your thought process


  • #13
    99nsr125
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,200 ✭✭✭99nsr125


    Icky Husband wrote: »
    Myself and husband are both in mid-30s. My niece is living with us at the moment minding our two children, we couldn't find any other options with covid and glad to have her.

    She is 19. She is an attractive, fit young woman. She dresses like girls her age do. Yoga pants and form fitting clothing, nothing inappropriate, just like young women dress.

    I have caught my husband looking at her a few times. He had denied it. He has never said or done anything inappropriate towards her, been nothing but friendly to her and respectful. They get on well.

    I saw in the browsing history of our computer search terms for images, "toned teen ass", "teen yoga pants" etc. Obviously he's been fantasising about her. I told him what I found. He got embarrassed and said it had nothing to do with my niece, that sometimes he just looks at different things to get off to and that was something he'd looked at recently.

    Ordinarily I've no issue with him looking at some porn, I look at some too now and then and we sometimes look together. Our sex life is in decent shape.

    I could be overthinking this. And maybe he hasn't done anything wrong. But I just don't like it. I must stress he's never done anything predatory or anything like that, I just feel a bit ick about it.

    Simply you sound jealous and insecure
    Is it the case you can't wear clothes like your niece because you are concerned about your weight.


  • #14
    jarvis
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,499 ✭✭✭jarvis


    TheadoreT wrote: »
    To be fair if he says his normal porn searches regularly include the word "teen" then its probably concerning what his taste in women are. He perhaps will never act on these urges but you'd be a little concerned with him being alone around your own kids now.

    That’s a disgraceful comment.

    OP it sounds like you have an honest enough and comfortable relationship. The fact he now knows what he searched I’d imagine he’ll stop starring at her. I wouldn’t worry about it if I were you.


  • #15
    Rubberchikken
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,303 ✭✭✭Rubberchikken


    99nsr125 wrote: »
    Simply you sound jealous and insecure
    Is it the case you can't wear clothes like your niece because you are concerned about your weight.


    mod note

    99nsr125
    No need for personal comments.

    Thanks

    Ribberchikken


  • #16
    irelandrover
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,041 ✭✭✭irelandrover


    TheadoreT wrote: »
    To be fair if he says his normal porn searches regularly include the word "teen" then its probably concerning what his taste in women are. He perhaps will never act on these urges but you'd be a little concerned with him being alone around your own kids now.

    You should be ashamed of this comment. Saying a man can't be trusted with his own kids because he looked for one of the most popular porn genres.

    Op. Would you be worried if he had looked at a hot 19 year old in yoga pants if she wasn't your niece. Or is it the fact that she's related to you that mashes it icky?


  • #17
    beertons
    Hosted Moderators Posts: 23,397 ✭✭✭✭beertons


    Clear the search history. Does your niece use the computer too?


  • #18
    TheadoreT
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 922 ✭✭✭TheadoreT


    RurtBeynolds wrote: »
    Teen porn, probably the most popular porn there is.

    It doesn't normalise seeking out teens in sexual scenarios by saying its popular. It only highlights predatory instincts of many people and how unsafe women are in this world, particularly vulnerable young women.


  • #19
    HamSarris
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 109 ✭✭HamSarris


    Your partner’s behaviour and preferences are well within the normal range. References to potential ‘predatory’ behaviour come from a place of insecurity and anger. The categories you mentioned would probably be too tame to be listed on a porn site.


  • #20
    jj880
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2, Paid Member Posts: 7,338 ✭✭✭jj880


    TheadoreT wrote: »
    To be fair if he says his normal porn searches regularly include the word "teen" then its probably concerning what his taste in women are. He perhaps will never act on these urges but you'd be a little concerned with him being alone around your own kids now.

    I dont think Ive ever read such an unfair comment that started with the words "To be fair". Please self isolate for the next 14 years.

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  • #21
    osarusan
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 16,972 ✭✭✭✭osarusan


    Are you sure his searches don't predate her arrival at your house?

    Those searches you mentioned are fairly generic, he could have been searching for that since before she came on the scene (as well as doing those searches recently).


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  • #22
    SeaFields
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,551 ✭✭✭SeaFields


    TheadoreT wrote: »
    To be fair if he says his normal porn searches regularly include the word "teen" then its probably concerning what his taste in women are. He perhaps will never act on these urges but you'd be a little concerned with him being alone around your own kids now.

    That comment is a disgrace. An absolute disgrace. OP please do not heed what has been said here.


  • #23
    Hannibal_Smith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators, Paid Member Posts: 7,588 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    Mod Note

    I've just deleted a load of off topic posts. To anyone new to Personal/Relationship Issues, the way it works is that posters are asked to respond to a thread in a manner that offers constructive advice to the OP in a civil way. You can of course disagree with the advice of another poster, but it must be in a way the offers advice to the OP.

    Please read the Charter before replying and ensure your posts are inline with it or cards will be applied.

    Thanks

    HS


  • #24
    strandroad
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,676 ✭✭✭strandroad


    Is there any concern for your niece here? You noticed something, has she? If she caught your husband staring or otherwise making her uncomfortable, would she be in a position to say something or leave? At 19, is she in any way dependant on you for income or accommodation?


  • #25
    The DayDream
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 513 ✭✭✭The DayDream


    It's nothing to worry about. Searching teen porn is nothing like being a predator or pedo. It's girls 18+ even tho it says teen and half them are in their 20s. He's literally looking at women in their sexual prime, fully developed but still very youthful. It's simple evolutionary instincts that make those characteristics attractive to men, whereas women may tend to think an older man can provide more stability and safety for herself and offspring. These urges are not necessarily something nefarious, it's more to do with wanting to pass on your genes.

    It must suck to be a married man. Can't even have a **** to a young wan in peace without getting snooped on and called a predator. He should at least make it less obvious when gawking at your niece but he sounds like a bit of a dope if he doesn't even know to use incognito mode or to delete his wankstory, so maybe you need to tell him how noticeable it is.


  • #26
    ulster
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 209 ✭✭ulster


    Icky Husband wrote: »
    Myself and husband are both in mid-30s. My niece is living with us at the moment minding our two children, we couldn't find any other options with covid and glad to have her.

    She is 19. She is an attractive, fit young woman. She dresses like girls her age do. Yoga pants and form fitting clothing, nothing inappropriate, just like young women dress.

    I have caught my husband looking at her a few times. He had denied it. He has never said or done anything inappropriate towards her, been nothing but friendly to her and respectful. They get on well.

    I saw in the browsing history of our computer search terms for images, "toned teen ass", "teen yoga pants" etc. Obviously he's been fantasising about her. I told him what I found. He got embarrassed and said it had nothing to do with my niece, that sometimes he just looks at different things to get off to and that was something he'd looked at recently.

    Ordinarily I've no issue with him looking at some porn, I look at some too now and then and we sometimes look together. Our sex life is in decent shape.

    I could be overthinking this. And maybe he hasn't done anything wrong. But I just don't like it. I must stress he's never done anything predatory or anything like that, I just feel a bit ick about it.

    That's a tricky one - I can totally see why you're annoyed about it. To be honest, I think you should talk to your husband about his porn intake. This type of thing dehumanizes women...for God's sake he's looking at your niece. This is family! Yes he should cut back on porn. I think sex In a relationship that needs the addition of porn is bad sex. Sorry, if that annoys anyone. That's just my opinion.


  • #27
    TheadoreT
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 922 ✭✭✭TheadoreT


    I'm not sure why people are mentioning that some of them are their 20's like you're almost guilty(and you should be) to be tossing one out to an 18 year old who was legally a child a few weeks before. Plenty are also underage and lying about their age but hey thats the murky territory you're dealing with when seeking out teen porn.


  • #28
    Sonic the Shaghog
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 713 ✭✭✭Sonic the Shaghog


    TheadoreT wrote: »
    I'm not sure why people are mentioning that some of them are their 20's like you're almost guilty(and you should be) to be tossing one out to an 18 year old who was legally a child a few weeks before. Plenty are also underage and lying about their age but hey thats the murky territory you're dealing with when seeking out teen porn.

    Going by your talk if a man or woman of say 23 shags someone that turned 18 only a few weeks/months earlier would also make them someone that needs watching ffs


  • #29
    celt262
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,843 ✭✭✭celt262


    Any man who hasn't took a look at a 19 yr with a nice body as described is either blind or a liar. As for the porn he is likely just looking for girls around same age as your niece to whack one out to.


  • #30
    celt262
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,843 ✭✭✭celt262


    TheadoreT wrote: »
    I'm not sure why people are mentioning that some of them are their 20's like you're almost guilty(and you should be) to be tossing one out to an 18 year old who was legally a child a few weeks before. Plenty are also underage and lying about their age but hey thats the murky territory you're dealing with when seeking out teen porn.

    Who you could legally have sex with a year earlier!


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  • #31
    Panthro
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,080 ✭✭✭✭Panthro


    OP, turn the tables a second for the sake of it.
    Imagine If your husbands nephew stayed with ye a few weeks, strapping young fella 6ft something, muscle bound bucko, reminds you of your husband in the looks dept. Walking round the house top off and the GAA shorts on, drinking a can of diet coke an it 11am in the morning.. Would you find yourself having a look?!

    Possibly.
    Would you ever do anything about it?
    Probably not.
    Why? cos you're human. So Is your husband.

    He's not shown any inclination to make a move on the 19yr old, there's nothing much beyond a look really. He's your husband you know him better than anyone here would, ultimately you be the judge.
    I'd let it go tbh.


This discussion has been closed.
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