Husband looking at my niece

LegacyUser

Myself and husband are both in mid-30s. My niece is living with us at the moment minding our two children, we couldn't find any other options with covid and glad to have her.

She is 19. She is an attractive, fit young woman. She dresses like girls her age do. Yoga pants and form fitting clothing, nothing inappropriate, just like young women dress.

I have caught my husband looking at her a few times. He had denied it. He has never said or done anything inappropriate towards her, been nothing but friendly to her and respectful. They get on well.

I saw in the browsing history of our computer search terms for images, "toned teen ass", "teen yoga pants" etc. Obviously he's been fantasising about her. I told him what I found. He got embarrassed and said it had nothing to do with my niece, that sometimes he just looks at different things to get off to and that was something he'd looked at recently.

Ordinarily I've no issue with him looking at some porn, I look at some too now and then and we sometimes look together. Our sex life is in decent shape.

I could be overthinking this. And maybe he hasn't done anything wrong. But I just don't like it. I must stress he's never done anything predatory or anything like that, I just feel a bit ick about it.

heretothere

You might be seeing something that isn't there. She's an attractive woman living in your home and you might be comparing yourself to her and feeling a little insecure. As you said he hasn't done/ said anything inappropriate. Most people can't help but look at attractive people, myself included!

Sonic the Shaghog

While it sucks he's making it obvious over your niece she's 19, so saying how he hasn't had any predator behaviour before isn't on, yes it's a bit ick, creepy, etc that's she's your niece and he's much older but mentioning predator behaviour is talking as if he's a child molester after a young girl.

You'd want to be very careful with such talk, not only is it inaccurate but could blowback on you and him of anyone takes you up wrong.

Jin luk

Sonic the Shaghog wrote: »

While it sucks he's making it obvious over your niece she's 19, so saying how he hasn't had any predator behaviour before isn't on, yes it's a bit ick, creepy, etc that's she's your niece and he's much older but mentioning predator behaviour is talking as if he's a child molester after a young girl.

You'd want to be very careful with such talk, not only is it inaccurate but could blowback on you and him of anyone takes you up wrong.

Exactly what I was thinking 'predator bahaviour' is a strong term to be using in that case

TheadoreT

To be fair if he says his normal porn searches regularly include the word "teen" then its probably concerning what his taste in women are. He perhaps will never act on these urges but you'd be a little concerned with him being alone around your own kids now.

YellowLead

TheadoreT wrote: »

To be fair if he says his normal porn searches regularly include the word "teen" then its probably concerning what his taste in women are. He perhaps will never act on these urges but you'd be a little concerned with him being alone around your own kids now.

I think it’s a bit of a stretch to say that because a man in his 30s might find a 19 year old attractive, he would be a danger to his own children!!!!!! What?

TheadoreT

YellowLead wrote: »

I think it’s a bit of a stretch to say that because a man in his 30s might find a 19 year old attractive, he would be a danger to his own children!!!!!! What?

Its nothing to do with the niece. The OP says he told her he regularly searches for teen porn. Its his preference in taste. Giving the tender age of women and exploitative nature of much of this content at that age its definitely concerning imo.

Thelonious Monk

TheadoreT wrote: »

Its nothing to do with the niece. The OP says he told he her he regularly searches for teen porn. Its his preference in taste. Giving the tender age of women and exploitative nature of much of this content at that age its definitely concerning imo.

"Teen" in the porn world usually means women up to the age of 25 or so. It's always one of the most popular categories.
OP I would imagine he might glance by accident sometimes and you're on high alert as you're insecure about the whole thing. I remember being accused of looking at some girl years ago by girlfriend at the time and I hadn't even seen the girl she was talking about.
Don't know what to tell you except I think you're being a bit harsh on him, especially with that language.

RurtBeynolds

TheadoreT wrote: »

Its nothing to do with the niece. The OP says he told he her he regularly searches for teen porn. Its his preference in taste. Giving the tender age of women and exploitative nature of much of this content at that age its definitely concerning imo.

Teen porn, probably the most popular porn there is.

Sure all men are pedos, aren't they? :rolleyes:

Airyfairy12

I wouldnt be too concerned, it's a sexual fantasy but nothing more and I think most men would find young women sexually attractive, nothing new there. The fact is, and he probably knows this himself, its not a sexual fantasy he likely has any desire to act out. The realty and the fantasy are two very different things.

Caranica

I'd be more concerned about your niece finding the search history and freaking out about it!

Sonic the Shaghog

TheadoreT wrote: »

To be fair if he says his normal porn searches regularly include the word "teen" then its probably concerning what his taste in women are. He perhaps will never act on these urges but you'd be a little concerned with him being alone around your own kids now.

Teen porn references 18/19

Frankly I think your comment says more about your thought process

99nsr125

Icky Husband wrote: »

Myself and husband are both in mid-30s. My niece is living with us at the moment minding our two children, we couldn't find any other options with covid and glad to have her.

She is 19. She is an attractive, fit young woman. She dresses like girls her age do. Yoga pants and form fitting clothing, nothing inappropriate, just like young women dress.

I have caught my husband looking at her a few times. He had denied it. He has never said or done anything inappropriate towards her, been nothing but friendly to her and respectful. They get on well.

I saw in the browsing history of our computer search terms for images, "toned teen ass", "teen yoga pants" etc. Obviously he's been fantasising about her. I told him what I found. He got embarrassed and said it had nothing to do with my niece, that sometimes he just looks at different things to get off to and that was something he'd looked at recently.

Ordinarily I've no issue with him looking at some porn, I look at some too now and then and we sometimes look together. Our sex life is in decent shape.

I could be overthinking this. And maybe he hasn't done anything wrong. But I just don't like it. I must stress he's never done anything predatory or anything like that, I just feel a bit ick about it.

Simply you sound jealous and insecure
Is it the case you can't wear clothes like your niece because you are concerned about your weight.

jarvis

TheadoreT wrote: »

To be fair if he says his normal porn searches regularly include the word "teen" then its probably concerning what his taste in women are. He perhaps will never act on these urges but you'd be a little concerned with him being alone around your own kids now.

That’s a disgraceful comment.

OP it sounds like you have an honest enough and comfortable relationship. The fact he now knows what he searched I’d imagine he’ll stop starring at her. I wouldn’t worry about it if I were you.

Rubberchikken

99nsr125 wrote: »

Simply you sound jealous and insecure
Is it the case you can't wear clothes like your niece because you are concerned about your weight.

mod note

99nsr125
No need for personal comments.

Thanks

Ribberchikken

irelandrover

TheadoreT wrote: »

To be fair if he says his normal porn searches regularly include the word "teen" then its probably concerning what his taste in women are. He perhaps will never act on these urges but you'd be a little concerned with him being alone around your own kids now.

You should be ashamed of this comment. Saying a man can't be trusted with his own kids because he looked for one of the most popular porn genres.

Op. Would you be worried if he had looked at a hot 19 year old in yoga pants if she wasn't your niece. Or is it the fact that she's related to you that mashes it icky?

beertons

Clear the search history. Does your niece use the computer too?

TheadoreT

RurtBeynolds wrote: »

Teen porn, probably the most popular porn there is.

It doesn't normalise seeking out teens in sexual scenarios by saying its popular. It only highlights predatory instincts of many people and how unsafe women are in this world, particularly vulnerable young women.

HamSarris

Your partner’s behaviour and preferences are well within the normal range. References to potential ‘predatory’ behaviour come from a place of insecurity and anger. The categories you mentioned would probably be too tame to be listed on a porn site.

jj880

TheadoreT wrote: »

To be fair if he says his normal porn searches regularly include the word "teen" then its probably concerning what his taste in women are. He perhaps will never act on these urges but you'd be a little concerned with him being alone around your own kids now.

I dont think Ive ever read such an unfair comment that started with the words "To be fair". Please self isolate for the next 14 years.

osarusan

Are you sure his searches don't predate her arrival at your house?

Those searches you mentioned are fairly generic, he could have been searching for that since before she came on the scene (as well as doing those searches recently).

SeaFields

TheadoreT wrote: »

To be fair if he says his normal porn searches regularly include the word "teen" then its probably concerning what his taste in women are. He perhaps will never act on these urges but you'd be a little concerned with him being alone around your own kids now.

That comment is a disgrace. An absolute disgrace. OP please do not heed what has been said here.

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

I've just deleted a load of off topic posts. To anyone new to Personal/Relationship Issues, the way it works is that posters are asked to respond to a thread in a manner that offers constructive advice to the OP in a civil way. You can of course disagree with the advice of another poster, but it must be in a way the offers advice to the OP.

Please read the Charter before replying and ensure your posts are inline with it or cards will be applied.

Thanks

HS

strandroad

Is there any concern for your niece here? You noticed something, has she? If she caught your husband staring or otherwise making her uncomfortable, would she be in a position to say something or leave? At 19, is she in any way dependant on you for income or accommodation?

The DayDream

It's nothing to worry about. Searching teen porn is nothing like being a predator or pedo. It's girls 18+ even tho it says teen and half them are in their 20s. He's literally looking at women in their sexual prime, fully developed but still very youthful. It's simple evolutionary instincts that make those characteristics attractive to men, whereas women may tend to think an older man can provide more stability and safety for herself and offspring. These urges are not necessarily something nefarious, it's more to do with wanting to pass on your genes.

It must suck to be a married man. Can't even have a **** to a young wan in peace without getting snooped on and called a predator. He should at least make it less obvious when gawking at your niece but he sounds like a bit of a dope if he doesn't even know to use incognito mode or to delete his wankstory, so maybe you need to tell him how noticeable it is.

ulster

Icky Husband wrote: »

Myself and husband are both in mid-30s. My niece is living with us at the moment minding our two children, we couldn't find any other options with covid and glad to have her.

She is 19. She is an attractive, fit young woman. She dresses like girls her age do. Yoga pants and form fitting clothing, nothing inappropriate, just like young women dress.

I have caught my husband looking at her a few times. He had denied it. He has never said or done anything inappropriate towards her, been nothing but friendly to her and respectful. They get on well.

I saw in the browsing history of our computer search terms for images, "toned teen ass", "teen yoga pants" etc. Obviously he's been fantasising about her. I told him what I found. He got embarrassed and said it had nothing to do with my niece, that sometimes he just looks at different things to get off to and that was something he'd looked at recently.

Ordinarily I've no issue with him looking at some porn, I look at some too now and then and we sometimes look together. Our sex life is in decent shape.

I could be overthinking this. And maybe he hasn't done anything wrong. But I just don't like it. I must stress he's never done anything predatory or anything like that, I just feel a bit ick about it.

That's a tricky one - I can totally see why you're annoyed about it. To be honest, I think you should talk to your husband about his porn intake. This type of thing dehumanizes women...for God's sake he's looking at your niece. This is family! Yes he should cut back on porn. I think sex In a relationship that needs the addition of porn is bad sex. Sorry, if that annoys anyone. That's just my opinion.

TheadoreT

I'm not sure why people are mentioning that some of them are their 20's like you're almost guilty(and you should be) to be tossing one out to an 18 year old who was legally a child a few weeks before. Plenty are also underage and lying about their age but hey thats the murky territory you're dealing with when seeking out teen porn.

Sonic the Shaghog

TheadoreT wrote: »

I'm not sure why people are mentioning that some of them are their 20's like you're almost guilty(and you should be) to be tossing one out to an 18 year old who was legally a child a few weeks before. Plenty are also underage and lying about their age but hey thats the murky territory you're dealing with when seeking out teen porn.

Going by your talk if a man or woman of say 23 shags someone that turned 18 only a few weeks/months earlier would also make them someone that needs watching ffs

celt262

Any man who hasn't took a look at a 19 yr with a nice body as described is either blind or a liar. As for the porn he is likely just looking for girls around same age as your niece to whack one out to.

celt262

TheadoreT wrote: »

I'm not sure why people are mentioning that some of them are their 20's like you're almost guilty(and you should be) to be tossing one out to an 18 year old who was legally a child a few weeks before. Plenty are also underage and lying about their age but hey thats the murky territory you're dealing with when seeking out teen porn.

Who you could legally have sex with a year earlier!

Panthro

OP, turn the tables a second for the sake of it.
Imagine If your husbands nephew stayed with ye a few weeks, strapping young fella 6ft something, muscle bound bucko, reminds you of your husband in the looks dept. Walking round the house top off and the GAA shorts on, drinking a can of diet coke an it 11am in the morning.. Would you find yourself having a look?!

Possibly.
Would you ever do anything about it?
Probably not.
Why? cos you're human. So Is your husband.

He's not shown any inclination to make a move on the 19yr old, there's nothing much beyond a look really. He's your husband you know him better than anyone here would, ultimately you be the judge.
I'd let it go tbh.

OP, personally I think it was a bad idea to invite another woman to live in your house, especially a very attractive one. That type of thing is almost a cliché at this stage. What good can come of it? At a minimum it has your head melted, even if your husband did nothing wrong. Get rid, the situation is making you uncomfortable in your own home and damaging your relationship.

Surreptitious

ulster wrote: »

That's a tricky one - I can totally see why you're annoyed about it. To be honest, I think you should talk to your husband about his porn intake. This type of thing dehumanizes women...for God's sake he's looking at your niece. This is family! Yes he should cut back on porn. I think sex In a relationship that needs the addition of porn is bad sex. Sorry, if that annoys anyone. That's just my opinion.

Loads of couples watch porn together

ulster

Surreptitious wrote: »

Loads of couples watch porn together

Good for them!

YellowLead

I wonder is this a wind up thread?
‘Icky’ husband (funny language) - in the thread title and no sign of OP now

Surreptitious

YellowLead wrote: »

I wonder is this a wind up thread?
‘Icky’ husband (funny language) - in the thread title and no sign of OP now

Well some of the comments probably put her off.

Dog day

ulster wrote: »

I think sex In a relationship that needs the addition of porn is bad sex. Sorry, if that annoys anyone. That's just my opinion.

This is an incredibly simplistic view of human sexual desire & porn. The former is complex & proper use of the latter can infact enrich sexual relationships between people.

OP, though not trusting your husband doesn’t seem to be an issue here I think his candid reaction when you confronted him speaks volumes about him in a positive way, he’s behaving in an entirely normal way for a red blooded male. I can understand why you may feel uncomfortable given it’s your niece in question. However, as an aside, I think when you decided to invite an attractive young woman into your home, you perhaps should’ve firstly considered how this may make you feel overall & consider the possibility that you may be feeling somewhat insecure which is entirely normal. Women are still unfortunately pitted against eachother on aesthetic & sexual appeal & it can be very hard to combat feelings of inadequacy, even when one is a confident type.

From what you’ve posted it sounds like yourself & your husband have a good sex life & open communication, but that doesn’t mean he can’t have healthy sexual fantasies, this, in my opinion is all that this is.

Sonic the Shaghog

YellowLead wrote: »

I wonder is this a wind up thread?
‘Icky’ husband (funny language) - in the thread title and no sign of OP now

Wouldn't be surprised a lot of nuked threads in PI lately

Katgurl

I would be utterly grossed out by this mainly because I remember very clearly how uncomfortable I was as a nineteen year old with disgusting middle aged men (that's how I saw them) leering at me at that age. They would stare at me so obviously - they seemed determined I notice them staring as if I was interested in their approval.

And I felt sorry for their partners sitting beside them trying to obviously pretend they don't notice.

As I got older I found the men staring at me less old (as I caught up with them) but felt similarly furious with them on behalf of their partners sitting beside them while their husbands leered.

I'm sure all people look (unless they're blind) but why do some men feel their entitlement to look trumps having some respect for your partner?

Having said that OP, are you sure he's checking her out? I have a niece that age and frankly I would be appalled if my boyfriend was checking her out even though he can clearly see she's very pretty and a lovely girl. Perhaps he's just looking at her.

I remember one time looking at a teenage boy walking by when I was out for lunch with my stepdaughter. I was thinking how young people looked different these days - he was really tall and well built. When we got home my stepdaughter was straight into her dad reporting on how I'd been checking out some teenage boy. I absolutely had not been.

B.A._Baracus

Hi op.
Honestly you're not going to get a concrete answer on this one as none here knows your husband.

Could you be over thinking this? Of course. You wouldn't be the first.
Could he be in fact perving over her? Of course. He too wouldn't be the first.

LegacyUser

All, thanks for the comments.

I probably over reacted. And yes it probably is my own insecurities.

I apologize for my poor phrasing by even introducing the word predatory. I don't think this applies to my husband at all. I was trying to make clear that it doesn't apply. But by mentioning the word it caused an association and that was not my intent.

To the poster who spoke about my weight... my weight is just fine thank you, its not an issue for me.

To the poster asking if this is a windup. It's not. I don't even know why this would seem a wind up, does it seem a funny situation to you? Entertaining? I'd come up with something juicier if it was a wind up.

To the few posters asking if I had an issue because it was a teenager or my niece. Because she's my family is the answer. I'm not stupid. Men will find late teenage girls attractive. I know that. But in my home with my niece I found it a bit 'icky' ... sorry for the "funny language".

I jumped the gun on this. I know I did. My husband hasn't actually done anything wrong. I'm putting 2 and 2 together and getting 5.

Thanks.

ILoveYourVibes

Icky Husband wrote: »

I just feel a bit ick about it.

Imagine how she feels because being a woman you know she has noticed. Or at the very least she WILL notice.

There is nothing wrong with fantasies.

Tell him your niece is eventually going to catch him looking at her and she won't feel good about it. So needs to control his gaze....or whatever it is you noticed. Because chances are she noticed it too or she will.

As nineteen yr old ..i wouldn't want my uncle in law looking at me like that.

LegacyUser

Icky Husband wrote: »

I'm not stupid. Men will find late teenage girls attractive. I know that.
.

We can all recognise when someone is attractive, there's a difference though being noticing something and actually being sexually attracted to them and seeing them in that way.

While you might be able to get past this now, what age are your kids? I assume that they're young if you need your niece to look after them but what about when they're teenagers and your husband is around more teenage girls, how will you feel then if you see him him looking for toned teenage asses on google? It would sicken me to be honest. It doesn't mean that I would think that all men who do that are going to be predators and physically try something with teenage girls or young women, but it would completely sicken me if a man spent time in the company of them and then that influenced his porn choices!

Someone mentioned earlier about how it was an evolutionary instinct to be attracted to young women and how it must suck to be a married man who can't have a "want to a young wan" in peace.

It must suck to be a married woman too who knows a man does this but is expected to be cool with it without it disgusting her and I would imagine there's an evolutionary instinct behind our disgust too, and not out of jealousy like another put it, but out of protection for younger people.

Also another poster mentioned a scenario where she sees her husbands nephew walking around with muscles and GAA shorts. Most mothers wouldn't be sexually attracted to them at all because they would still think of them as kids!!!

And I can bet if the OPs husbands nephew came to stay and next thing he found her googling for young GAA players in porn then he'd almost certainly have a serious problem with it and think she was a creep!!

Baby01032012

Katgurl wrote: »

I would be utterly grossed out by this mainly because I remember very clearly how uncomfortable I was as a nineteen year old with disgusting middle aged men (that's how I saw them) leering at me at that age. They would stare at me so obviously - they seemed determined I notice them staring as if I was interested in their approval.

And I felt sorry for their partners sitting beside them trying to obviously pretend they don't notice.

As I got older I found the men staring at me less old (as I caught up with them) but felt similarly furious with them on behalf of their partners sitting beside them while their husbands leered.

I'm sure all people look (unless they're blind) but why do some men feel their entitlement to look trumps having some respect for your partner?

Having said that OP, are you sure he's checking her out? I have a niece that age and frankly I would be appalled if my boyfriend was checking her out even though he can clearly see she's very pretty and a lovely girl. Perhaps he's just looking at her.

I remember one time looking at a teenage boy walking by when I was out for lunch with my stepdaughter. I was thinking how young people looked different these days - he was really tall and well built. When we got home my stepdaughter was straight into her dad reporting on how I'd been checking out some teenage boy. I absolutely had not been.

I guess gender views will be different. I don’t see what’s wrong with a man checking out a grown adult woman. Not to mention the absolutely huge sugar baby/daddy world in Ireland at the moment with 19 year olds selling themselves.

kerryjack

It's those tight leggings that causes me bother some of them young ones do be wearing, sure you would have to have a look it's just the nature of the beast, just because a man gets older doesn't mean he forgets about it, we should have a bit of respect and cop on as well of course and not get caught looking. Unfortunately we are only young and sexy for a short while and should enjoy it. Probably good advise from some posters not to have her staying over too often, it's a bit like leaving a fox in to a chicken house.

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

OP, as you seem to have reconciled things in your own head about the issue, I'm going to close the thread there. If you need further advice, or want the thread re-opened, just PM one of the Mod Team.

Thanks everyone who took the time to offer help and advice.

HS