Where Did I Go Wrong?

YellowLead · 25-02-2021 12:11PM

Good call! Get back out there and get chatting with others, there’s plenty more fish in the sea etc.

Sounds like she just wanted somebody to vent to over lockdown who would ply her with sympathy and she wasn’t interested romantically. Maybe she didn’t have many friends she could discuss her issues with and you were a lifeline, one she felt she could dispose of. If you are into somebody romantically you don’t do a dramatic block on all channels just because they send you useful information relating to a previous discussion.

Good luck getting back out there

Next time there is a red flag don’t ignore it (not easy I know I’m guilty of this myself) - like when she flew off the handle at you the first time for example.

TheadoreT · 25-02-2021 12:14PM

Honestly you need to stop obsessing over what she said. It's really as simple as she wasnt that into you in person. You'll drive yourself mad trying to add meaning where there is none.

It's very common in dating that you'll meet people who either you're not into or they're not into you, a mutual connection is more rare. Just be breezy about it in early days, it's all too volatile to give your heart straight away.

YellowLead · 25-02-2021 12:16PM

TheadoreT wrote: »

Honestly you need to stop obsessing over what she said. It's really as simple as she wasnt that into you in person. You'll drive yourself mad trying to add meaning where there is none.

It's very common in dating that you'll meet people who either you're not into or they're not into you, a mutual connect is more rare. Just be breezy about it in early days, it's all too volatile to give your heart straight away.

This honestly is the best advice

MetzgerMeister · 25-02-2021 12:30PM

I don't feel I'm obsessing about it, just trying to find some understanding. This kind of thing would make anyone question their own sanity and question what they themselves did wrong because it's designed to do just that.

TheadoreT · 25-02-2021 12:39PM

Well the understanding seems blatantly obvious to me.

Do you have issues with rejection? I used to be like that when I was younger, I'd want the other person to like me so much it would supersede my own feelings about them, or the reality that they may be treating you terribly. Even if i wasnt into them I'd stick around to see if they liked me and still be offended if i was rejected. It's just poor self esteem and comes across to the other person that way clearly.

Once you learn to value yourself and start being more discerning in dating you come across a lot better and will have far greater success.

qwerty13 · 25-02-2021 12:57PM

You went wrong by thinking that there was far more of a mutual connection than realistically existed.

You were penpals, and when you actually met up, you treated it as though you’d been dating quite a while. She either felt no connection (but lied to save herself from an awkward situation), or perhaps she never thought of you that way.

She has a bad temper / unpredictable moods, so I’d look on it as an easy escape, and time to learn from it and move on.

bitofabind · 25-02-2021 01:35PM

MetzgerMeister wrote: »

I don't feel I'm obsessing about it, just trying to find some understanding. This kind of thing would make anyone question their own sanity and question what they themselves did wrong because it's designed to do just that.

The thing is, most online dating scenarios don't work out because that's life, and there's probably forty reasons or no reason at all, but either way you can't control the outcome.

It sounds like you're really attached to finding the why so you can control the outcome and not feel as rejected as you do. Which is totally normal and human. But not a good solution here because it just leads to you ruminating and obsessing and going out of your way to try to avoid rejection in the future in counter-productive ways.

What you could try working on here is two things: 1. Being grand with things not working out. You can be disappointed and sad and whatever, but it might/probably won't work with the next woman either, and that's just the process working the way it works. And 2. try to take some lessons learned from your side. Clearly this woman is not compatible, what could you have done differently? Maybe gotten less invested and spent less time talking to her online before meeting? Maybe having some hard stops in terms of personality traits that don't work for you E.G If someone seems volatile or emotionally immature, I'll stop things right away?

leggo · 25-02-2021 03:56PM

A couple scenarios from my past came to mind reading your post, and in both cases hindsight showed me that I'd just unknowingly hit on a nerve and their reaction was aimed at themselves and projected onto me.

For example, I remember once a girl I'd been dating a short while came over with their wrists plastered up. They told me some BS reason that couldn't possibly have been true, but I let it slide because it was their business. A few weeks later I gently brought it up that, if they ever wanted to tell me something had happened or if they were going through anything, the door was open for us to talk without judgement. All fairly reasonable, not demanding and just leaving it open and on their terms. Well...they FLIPPED. Started accusing me of saying they were a terrible parent who'd do that to their child and a million other things I hadn't said. Stormed out and didn't talk to me for a few days.

You know where this is going: a couple weeks later, after we'd made up, they of course confessed that exactly what I thought was the case was true (because obviously it was).

I could keep telling stories but I'm willing to bet good money that all that happened here was you just flew a bit too close to something on their mind anyway and they vomited their negativity and all insecurities at you. While it's obvious you shouldn't take it personally, that's a nasty trait to have and one I'd be weary of dealing with (I wouldn't date someone myself who did this again personally, for example). On some level, they'll realise this so there's a good chance they'll come crawling back. If/when they do, think very carefully if this is something you want to deal with on a semi-regular basis because, as has been pointed out, this sounds like a character trait of theirs.

25-02-2021 10:19PM

I think whatever the reason actually was for the outburst....if she was really interested in you she'd have backed down and you two would have worked it out. It's really not meant to be this difficult if you both like each other. Also if I had to 'pick a side' I'd say it's more a case of her not really being that into you than any stress/mental health issues. I could have been the girl in your story a few times over in the course of my dating life and it was always because I wasn't feeling it when push came to shove.

The DayDream · 25-02-2021 10:38PM

She just used this as an excuse to ghost you, and is a bit of a b-word to do that when it was obvious you liked her and it would hurt you. She could have let you down easier. Perhaps her mental health has been an issue or has been mentioned to her in the past and is a sensitive issue so she got triggered by the suggestion.

But I also should say that IME you should never come in hot with the presents and flowers for a girl on a first date, even if it is V Day and even if it is only something like sweets. With Irish girls especially they freak out at the hint of a guy coming on strong, and coming on strong for them is what is fairly normal for other cultures in early stages of courting.(I know loads of Irish girls never even been asked out on a date, all the hook ups are just alcohol induced whatever). Presents early on can look a bit desperate and can turn a girl off, they immediately think they can do better, etc. Even if you're a sweet guy just don't do that stuff until later, ideally when you're already in a relationship with them. They appreciate it then. Same goes for compliments, it doesn't do anything to make a girl attracted to you. Attractive women are usually well aware of it. You don't need to tell them, doing so will just make you look like every other bozo who has told her she has lovely eyes, etc.

While it was am OTT reaction on her part, you're better off she blocked you. Don't try to contact her again, and move on. She doesn't have feelings for you, and is unkind.

MetzgerMeister · 26-02-2021 10:31AM

It's hard to know what to do with flowers etc. I've had dates where I didn't bother with flowers and the girl thought I wasn't interested in her and that it was odd that I didn't give her flowers. Complicated isn't the word!

YellowLead · 26-02-2021 11:09AM

MetzgerMeister wrote: »

It's hard to know what to do with flowers etc. I've had dates where I didn't bother with flowers and the girl thought I wasn't interested in her and that it was odd that I didn't give her flowers. Complicated isn't the word!

Really? Is that a generational thing perhaps? If somebody brought me a bunch of flowers on a first date I wouldn’t like that personally and it would put me off big time - same goes for any of my friends (I’m 36).

Now if we had gone for a walk and he pulled out a chocolate bar that would be cool - but flowers is way too much. I can’t imagine somebody thinking a guy wasn’t interested because flowers were not produced. If that happened to you once OP - do not base your future dating strategies around that experience.

MetzgerMeister · 26-02-2021 11:12AM

I'm 35 so same generation

Anyway I think it's time to bring this to a close. I've gotten a lot of great info from everyone and I thank you all for it.

Hopefully I won't be back here again after my next first date :pac:

MetzgerMeister · 26-02-2021 11:16AM

Yep, got a text from her later that evening to the effect of "no flowers? are you dating out of boredom or are ya interested in me at all?"

She was 100% Irish.

This is the minefield we guys have to go through on a pogo stick while trying to not land on eggshells

Idle Passerby · 26-02-2021 11:20AM

Flowers to me are associated with either a groveling apology or an old fashioned impersonal attempt at "wooing". I got a box of chocolates from a first date once, it was a sweet gesture but it felt a bit like what a 17 year old does for his debs date. One of my friends described it as a gift for someone's granny

I'd err on the side of leaving gifts out until you actually know the person and then you can get something less generic.

bitofabind · 26-02-2021 11:51AM

MetzgerMeister wrote: »

It's hard to know what to do with flowers etc. I've had dates where I didn't bother with flowers and the girl thought I wasn't interested in her and that it was odd that I didn't give her flowers. Complicated isn't the word!

That's not complicated, that's a self-entitled woman with old fashioned and frankly bizarre notions of dating and romance. Flowers on a first date would be a proper wtf moment for me and I'd safely say most of my female friends would agree, unless it was some sort of in-joke we'd had prior to the date.

OP, looking at the bigger picture, you seem to position yourself below women you meet romantically and view yourself as "getting it wrong" when things don't work out. I mean, this latest woman clearly acted unreasonably and the title is "where did I go wrong?" It's not helpful or logical to think of yourself as "getting it wrong" when someone acts like a bloody eejit, and thinking women are "minefields" because you met a few eejits who had ridiculous expectations is a sign of low self esteem in you.

A more logical response to that "no flowers...not interested?" text would be either "that's a very strange expectation" or better yet, no response at all. Not entertaining it and thinking you're the person at fault. And that's what you need to work on. When we trust ourselves and know our value, we don't entertain eejits and let them influence how we feel about ourselves.

MetzgerMeister · 26-02-2021 11:59AM

She did ask me straight out at one stage when we were planning our first date "aawww are you going to get me flowers?"....so I just went with the flow.

Goodigal · 26-02-2021 12:03PM

If someone bought me a takeaway cup of tea on a first date, that would be most welcomed! But flowers really would make me cringe. And I'm 46!

You sound like a good guy OP - don't think of her any further. You're worth more than that. Being blocked is possibly a good thing. Best of luck on your next first date!

bitofabind · 26-02-2021 12:15PM

MetzgerMeister wrote: »

She did ask me straight out at one stage when we were planning our first date "aawww are you going to get me flowers?"....so I just went with the flow.

"No. Are you going to get me flowers?"

Stop "going with the flow" and start thinking about what the logical and rational conclusion is to strange/selfish behaviour, rather than thinking what will get this person to like you at any cost. You don't need unreasonable people to like you.

Are you someone that has struggled with romance generally, and/or has a habit of getting attached to women very quickly? Because right now it sounds like you're putting up with a lot of childish nonsense for the sake of having someone to date. That's dating with urgency, like you need to meet someone/anyone and you don't value yourself or your time. Until you address that, you're going to keep meeting people who are draped in red flags and having your confidence dented by their behaviour, rather than having the self-respect to rule people out when they present personality traits that are off to you.

Someone mentioned this upthread, but you'll find all sorts on dating apps. It's a proper pick n mix of the best and the worst of folks. If you have no boundaries or expectations of what you want in a partner, you'll let these sorts into your life when most healthy people would not tolerate their crap and would nope the f out of there. Date responsibly. Protect your own wellbeing. Rule people out when they start this nonsense.

Taeholic · 26-02-2021 02:24PM

MetzgerMeister wrote: »

It's hard to know what to do with flowers etc.

For what it's worth, my boyfriend brought me flowers on our first date and I thought it was an incredibly sweet gesture. I didn't expect flowers or any gift for that matter.
I guess it depends on the woman so that's probably not much help lol

As far as the woman in question is concerned, I think you had a lucky escape. Flying off the handle twice in a short space of time and blocking you without even attempting to understand your perspective are big red flags to me. She sounds immature and seriously lacking in self awareness. Not exactly an ideal partner.

As others have said try not over invest too early on, keep your options open. Don’t wreck your head trying to figure it out just put it down to experience and try again. She wasn't the one for you. Also once she calms down or is looking for attention she very well might unblock you. Do not reply, she's shown you who she is, believe her!

MetzgerMeister · 26-02-2021 03:26PM

Taeholic wrote: »

As far as the woman in question is concerned, I think you had a lucky escape. Flying off the handle twice in a short space of time and blocking you without even attempting to understand your perspective are big red flags to me.

Not only did she not try to understand my perspective, she made her mind up without asking me about it or without giving me a chance to explain or even talk about it.

I mean, an answer like "thanks but it's not that far gone" would have sufficed as a normal reaction in my mind.

What gets me most isn't really mourning the loss of what could have been but more she had her mind made up and "fvck me". Absolutely no interest in my side or even asking me about it.

MetzgerMeister · 26-02-2021 03:33PM

bitofabind wrote: »

Are you someone that has struggled with romance generally, and/or has a habit of getting attached to women very quickly? Because right now it sounds like you're putting up with a lot of childish nonsense for the sake of having someone to date. That's dating with urgency, like you need to meet someone/anyone and you don't value yourself or your time. Until you address that, you're going to keep meeting people who are draped in red flags and having your confidence dented by their behaviour, rather than having the self-respect to rule people out when they present personality traits that are off to you.

Having had to endure quite severe bullying on a daily basis throughout primary school and most of secondary school along with going out with a girl years ago who was completely sadistic and toxic and chipped away at my confidence until there was nothing left, I do have a hard time with confidence and having self-respect and believing in my own self worth.

YellowLead · 26-02-2021 03:51PM

MetzgerMeister wrote: »

Having had to endure quite severe bullying on a daily basis throughout primary school and most of secondary school along with going out with a girl years ago who was completely sadistic and toxic and chipped away at my confidence until there was nothing left, I do have a hard time with confidence and having self-respect and believing in my own self worth.

You poor thing. I have a lot of self esteem but still when I first started online dating a year ago I really started questioning what was wrong with me and what I was doing wrong etc etc. Then after a little while I realised the answer was absolutely nothing. It’s just the nature of it. It’s the luck of the draw, sometimes you have to go on lots of dates before you meet somebody where it turns into a relationship, or you might meet them right off the bat.

As has been posted here a lot - don’t invest in somebody before you meet them, and indeed after you have only let them a few times.

Don’t ignore red flags no matter how much you want a date - tell yourself you can do better because you can, it just takes time. Don’t give up because of a few fruit loops/bad mannered dates. Also don’t be angry at them - harsh as it sounds they don't owe you anything and trying to figure out why and assign blame is only detrimental to your own happiness.

Sometimes there is no why, some people are just dicks, or have no decency or balls to say what they really think. It’s not about right and wrong some times it’s just not meant to be.

Good luck finding somebody who respects you - it’s what you deserve

Caranica · 26-02-2021 04:12PM

OP you need to get past this. Write her off, pick yourself up and carry on. Dwelling on this is unhealthy.

bitofabind · 26-02-2021 04:35PM

MetzgerMeister wrote: »

Having had to endure quite severe bullying on a daily basis throughout primary school and most of secondary school along with going out with a girl years ago who was completely sadistic and toxic and chipped away at my confidence until there was nothing left, I do have a hard time with confidence and having self-respect and believing in my own self worth.

Really sorry to hear that OP. Have ever you sought professional help for dealing with all of that?

I actually think this is the most important and relevant piece of information you've given for the whole thread. So often people post on PI/RI about one problem, when in actual fact it's something else entirely that is driving the problem. Something deeper and connected to unresolved trauma often from decades ago.

I hated dating, many of us do. For me, the pattern was seeking out what was unavailable, needing validation from men, thinking I was broken and didn't deserve someone lovely because I'd never really seen what a healthy relationship looked like. Did that for years, maybe for most of my dating life. Sat down with a therapist about two years ago after a significant life event not knowing what was wrong with me, only that I was "broken" and miserable. Stopped dating, re-evaluated and changed my relationship with myself from the inside out. Realised I wasn't "broken" after all, I just had decades of carrying around some painful things that no-one really showed me how to deal with constructively.

What I'm trying to say is, it might be time to slow down and deal with those really hard things you've been through that have given you this idea that there's something "wrong" with you, because you've had a lot of mistreatment in your life. None of these things were your fault. And we tend to seek out what's familiar, until we build up the self-awareness and self-worth to seek out what we actually deserve. You deserve so much more OP, than these women and their crappy behaviour and than the incredible hardship you've had in the past.

I know the cookie cutter advice around here is therapy: but I can tell you that over time and with the right therapist it's a total game-changer. I'd recommend a few books too - Attached by Amir Levine and It Wasn't Your Fault by Beverly Engel.

Airyfairy12 · 26-02-2021 06:29PM

Higher your standards, its not ok for anyone to fly off the handle with you. She had 20 different ways she could handled that situation, she could have said thanks and left it that, she could have calmly explained her feelings to you, she could have asked you about your intentions or just said no thanks, like an adult but instead she behaved like a toddler and is now ignoring you. Says more about her really. Bullet dodged.

Where Did I Go Wrong?

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