Impossible to get help for mental illness.

I’ve been trying to get help for my mental health for over 2 years now and Ive made little to no progress. I am 21 now but have been suffering since I was about 13, it got even worse after 16 and then when I was 19 I finally sought out help. Ive been attending a public mental health clinic since then. They have never officially diagnosed me, only tell me I have “traits of EUPD”, my appointments are months apart and they completely neglect a lot of my symptoms. I describe to them the psychosis I am experiencing (delusions, paranoia hallucinations) but they insist it is not psychosis. In November last year, (2019) they put me on 25mg of Quetiapine but this has not been changed or reviewed since then.

In September of 2020 I went back to my gp and told her that they are not giving me the help I need and that I want to be assessed again and have my diagnosis finally sorted and get proper help and feel listened to. So I asked to be referred privately. She referred me to John Of Gods and about a month ago I got a letter from them but was told I couldn’t be seen until July, after phoning them and telling them I needed something sooner, the soonest they could do was April. I do not think I can wait until then.

My mental health has extremely declined in the last year, causing me to lose a job, fail college, attempt suicide and continuously self harm. In the past few months since September when I went back to my gp, it has gotten even worse. I am incredibly suicidal, the psychosis I experience is worse, I lost another job about 2 weeks ago because I am unable to do anything, or be out of my girlfriend’s sight because of how suicidal I am.

About three weeks ago I went to A&E because of how suicidal I was, but all they could do for me was send on an assessment to my GP and to the useless clinic i was attending . I even tried going back to said clinic but they didn’t do anything to help either, even after I told them how suicidal
I was and how I couldn’t be alone or go to my job, and how I felt my meds weren’t working. all they suggested was I do their online mindfulness course or dbt which i’ve completed before.

Since then I’ve gone back to my gp to ask for a referral to St.Patrick’s Hospital in hopes of getting a sooner appointment and because I felt they were more suited to my needs rather than John Of Gods. However I was told they can’t see me unless I’m discharged from Lincara, getting discharged probably won’t be a problem as they don’t help me and want to discharge me in March anyway but even after that I was told I can’t be seen for months.

They told me the only way I could be seen sooner is if I was to go inpatient, but I don’t want to do that right now because with COVID you can’t have visitors. And I don’t know if I’d be able to do college then, and I really don’t want to defer as I’m already repeating a semester, and college is like the only good thing I have and enjoy, that and my girlfriend who i wouldn’t be able to see if I was in hospital during a lockdown. I also don’t have a great relationship with my parents who I live with, they’ve reacted badly to mental health problems in the past, I don’t know how I’d tell them I’m mentally ill and have been for years and have been trying to get help and now have to go to hospital. I don’t know how they’d react. And I’d have to explain that a sugar daddy I met online two years ago would be paying for my hospital stay. I’d just be scared that it would make things really really bad with my parents again, and then where would I go when I get out of hospital. I worry i’d come out in an even worse situation, with no college, and parents that hate me even more . I think inpatient is just too much added stress.

All I want is an appointment in St.Pats and an assessment and someone to listen to me, and to attend there as an outpatient and get help But it’s seeming impossible.

I urgently need help and I’m so scared, I needed urgent help weeks ago when I went to A&E and now I need it even more. All this trying and phoning has been awful enough. But the one thing i can’t do is wait any longer, I can’t wait months. Is there really no way I can get help?