Is this manipulation or am I wrong?

14-01-2021 10:12PM

Augme wrote: »

Given how much you say you like him, and I believe that. I am wondering if subconsciously you "created" this scenario as a "test" to see how much he likes you? I.e. if he was willing to give in to your demands he would have "passed" and everything would be great, but since the hasn't you see it that he has "failed" and now are assuming he doesnt actually like you that much. Can't help but feel you'd have never taken the job even if he did give in as well.

Hi OP, came here to say something similar to the above. You seem like a very genuine person so I have to wonder if there isn't something unconscious driving your behaviour here. What you have suggested to him isn't really workable, and it's understandable he reacted badly to it (and yes, he did react badly).

I would also say you have you remember he has spent years probably in fraught negotiations with his ex. He's bringing baggage to any ultimatum you (inadvertently) give. It sounds like he got immediately defensive and things escalated from there.

leggo · 14-01-2021 10:19PM

I'm leaning more towards the camp of "It's not manipulative but this is probably over." Actually OP, I think the most manipulative thing I've read in you describing your discussions was you saying he probably wouldn't find someone who fit his criteria. And, even then, I wouldn't judge you that badly as it was probably a heightened emotional situation you weren't expecting and there can be way worse things said in that state.

Tbh he just sounds like he knows what he wants and is stating his needs. That's a really healthy thing to do. As bad as I felt for you, I have to admit that I also read it and thought "Jeez fair play to him". The lack of emotion and specificity of the criteria struck me as a bit weird at first until you explained his custody situation: someone you met a few months ago wouldn't even begin to move the needle if it comes at a cost of seeing your kids less, again as **** as that is for you. I also kinda admired his answer and certainty that he could find someone else. It was a bit too honest and blunt, maybe, but you also had challenged him so he probably got a bit defensive.

Take the job if it's the right career move for you, don't let this play a factor at all because you've now seen where you stand within his priorities. You're not deciding the relationship is over, you're just making a career move. If he decides to end it from there then so be it. Maybe it'll end and you'll both realise it's not sitting right and work it out. If you don't then in time the intensity you feel will subside and I guarantee you that you'll see it how we do that it was perhaps for the best. This wasn't your 'last chance' or anything of the sorts so don't let that creep into your head and affect you. You've found this once, if you need to walk away with your head held high because you made a smart career move, you can easily find it again.

Having said all of that, if you take the job and he suddenly starts throwing strops or being verbally abusive or anything like that...then your suspicions were dead on, he's a highly manipulative person playing a long game and you'll have dodged a bullet. Either way, taking the job is 100% the move here.

seasidedub · 14-01-2021 11:07PM

Thanks for all the replies - all are valuable, even things I sort of don't want to hear.

First, looking at the last 5 or so posts - I want to make it completely clear: I have never at any time wanted, asked or suggested he change custody arrangements. What I did say was something like: "so even if you had the child every second weekend for the full weekend instead of one day every weekend, you still would not proceed with me if I took the job"? And his answer was no. But I did not suggest he change or try to change any arrangement.

I asked him very specifically about the distance when we started, if it was an issue, and he said "if it was Cork (5 hrs from him) it would be no problem". I took him at his word. He talked about 50/50 in terms of driving, but he seems to prefer to come here, and to be honest I do live in a nicer part of the country with better weather. So all the driving has been his choice, I am willing to go up any time.

I changed my work schedule in so far as I could to facilitate the way his week is broken up by the custody arrangements. Generally, I worked Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, 13 hrs each day, and then had long weekends of Thurs, Fri, Sat, Sun. Of course I loved that - who would not? Initially, he did not seem to have the child every Wednesday and was also down here a couple of full weekends. But when the arrangement became clearer to me, I have done what I can. I now tend to work mainly Wed, Thur, Fri, and one weekend a month. So, normally we can see each other Sat night from about 7.30pm to him leaving at the same time as me on Wed morning. There have been times he has been here for up to 6 days as the child has had engagements etc and I have had long stretches off. But, I have changed to facilitate him.

There was no actual argument or escalation - it genuinely was a discussion. I did not say to him that he would not find anyone like me. He said that he would move on, find another, and another if that did not work etc. I simply said that the pool of women fitting his exact criteria is small, he says no, ok, fine, perhaps he knows better. But most women I know of my age have to work, and most have to work Mon to Fri.......

If we were deeper in, and we agreed to move in together, yes, I would apply for jobs similar to my current up near him, or he could move here as his business can be run from anywhere and he could drive up twice a week for the child, but I would move, absolutely. However, we are nowhere near that phase.

The job I have been offered is not ever going to be available in his area. There are no qualifications for this job in Ireland, those trained in it have qualified in UK, US or Australia and most Irish graduates of it work in the UK, many for years, hoping for a chance to get back to Ireland when the very rare opportunity comes up. So applying for a similar job near him is a non-starter.

I enjoy the free time I have off, so don't know for certain do I actually want the job, I really mean that, but again, was taken aback when he said so coolly that it was him or the job. I did not/do not want to make the decision based on that.

Yes his divorce sounds as if it was horrendous, but there are always 2 sides to everything. I do personally feel that the custody arrangements reflect a desire from one side to curtail a social life in the other side - if you have a child every weekend for one day it is going to be difficult to have a relationship and yes, ideally you do need someone with a schedule which is different to the norm. I have done what I can regarding that. I guess I was hoping for a little more supportive discussion instead of a blanket "no". Indeed, there may well be no way to resolve it if I did take the job, but I simply was taken aback at how he reacted. I also am a little afraid at what else he might say a blanket no to, is he inflexible about everything, or just this? I don't know.

Meeoow · 14-01-2021 11:08PM

One of the joys of dating a man with children, is that he is most likely going to have them at the weekends.
You have your parenting done, and deserve to be with someone who you can go away or for a night out at the weekend with. He is not that man, and you will probably end up resenting him.
You are better off looking for a man without or with grown up children.
I split with my last boyfriend over exactly the same issue.

seasidedub · 14-01-2021 11:16PM

Oh, can I just say one more thing - I love children and it has always been a source of sadness for me that I only had one. If things ever would or could progress between us, and it was appropriate and acceptable to all, I would be absolutely delighted to have his child down here for weekends etc. if that could be agreed on. I would love it. I live in what is practically a beach resort with kayaking, surfing, swimming, all kinds of ice cream places, sporting facilities etc. and we are both really active and I don't think there would be a problem entertaining the child (I don't want to say the sex to protect the identity). I've a 4 bed house, plenty of room and I myself would love it.

Meeoow · 14-01-2021 11:21PM

seasidedub wrote: »

Oh, can I just say one more thing - I love children

Did you tell him that?
You said in an earlier post that you asked him if he could stop taking his child at the weekends, and spend it with you.
Plus you said that couples should spend weekends together.
Would you really want to spend every weekend with his kid?

seasidedub · 14-01-2021 11:26PM

seasidedub wrote: »

Oh, can I just say one more thing - I love children and it has always been a source of sadness for me that I only had one. If things ever would or could progress between us, and it was appropriate and acceptable to all, I would be absolutely delighted to have his child down here for weekends etc. if that could be agreed on. I would love it. I live in what is practically a beach resort with kayaking, surfing, swimming, all kinds of ice cream places, sporting facilities etc. and we are both really active and I don't think there would be a problem entertaining the child (I don't want to say the sex to protect the identity). I've a 4 bed house, plenty of room and I myself would love it.

We are both 51, most guys of this age have at least one youngish one as they started in their late 30s or early 40s. I was 28. It's going to be hard to fulfill that criterion - kinda like him wanting an attractive, financially independent woman with x amount of time!! Honestly it would be easier if he did not have split weekends, I often have 7 days off in a row and we could spend that together or go away if he did not have the every Saturday thing. But, it is what it is and I really was willing to work with that, cos I feel you should support when you can.

seasidedub · 14-01-2021 11:30PM

Meeoow wrote: »

Did you tell him that?
You said in an earlier post that you asked him if he could stop taking his child at the weekends, and spend it with you.
Plus you said that couples should spend weekends together.
Would you really want to spend every weekend with his kid?

Sorry, but I think you are misreading, or I wrote wrongly, I did NOT ask him to stop taking the child at weekends. I asked would he feel the same about my job offer even if he had the child every second weekend, he said yes.

I also am not sure where I said couples should spend every weekend together, what I said was most couples who work normal hours, end up having mainly weekend time together.

Yes, I told him that I love kids, but we both agree that there is a time when it is appropriate to introduce new people to kids and now is too soon. Would I have the child every weekend? I would have the child a lot, but yes, it would be nice to have some adult only time.

I did have a partner a long time ago who had 2 kids and they spent most of the time with us. To this day I consider them my step children, they visit me and one even moved to Ireland to her Irish boyfriend and I'm her "mammy" here (he and they were from abroad).

LegacyUser · 14-01-2021 11:32PM

The guy has shown you that he is not willing to compromise for the sake of your relationship- whether it is too difficult etc

I think what you should do is put yourself first and decide whether you want the job for yourself and do not let the relationship be a factor as this guy could be gone at anytime.

If you do take the job and he leaves so be it. He is going to suit himself- so should you.

If it was me I would also dump him.

Meeoow · 14-01-2021 11:41PM

Can you drive to him sometimes? Maybe he is fed up doing all the driving.
I used to work away, and do a 3 hour drive at the weekends. It is very tiring.

Sonic the Shaghog · 14-01-2021 11:50PM

seasidedub wrote: »

What I did say was something like: "so even if you had the child every second weekend for the full weekend instead of one day every weekend, you still would not proceed with me if I took the job"? And his answer was no. But I did not suggest he change or try to change any arrangement

But it's still all maybes. What's he's looking at is you cutting down significantly your time together and him doing a load of traveling for the foreseeable for the possibility of travelling 3 hours there Saturday morning and 3 hours back the next day or Monday morning and to top it off for only for 4 days or 2 weekends a month if it's every second weekend. As you said ye are nearly having 4 days with each other weekly currently

A big benefit to the distance is several days together after arriving, where you can unwind, take it easy. If you arrive of a Friday night/Saturday morning and have to be heading off again Sunday night and only getting 2 weekends a month it severely knocks the good of it and that scenario is living on the hope he could change his custody arrangement in future

As it stands hes looking at driving to you late Saturday night and home again the next day, at best Monday morning

I really think your failing to grasp the difference to him here. It's a massive change to the setup ye have.

Would you be willing to offer to finish work Friday and drive to him right after and head home then Sunday/Monday early for a few months? I think you'd realise then that it would knock the good of it if as you say he's been doing all teh travelling so far and is now facing this

Augme · 14-01-2021 11:51PM

seasidedub wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies - all are valuable, even things I sort of don't want to hear.

First, looking at the last 5 or so posts - I want to make it completely clear: I have never at any time wanted, asked or suggested he change custody arrangements. What I did say was something like: "so even if you had the child every second weekend for the full weekend instead of one day every weekend, you still would not proceed with me if I took the job"? And his answer was no. But I did not suggest he change or try to change any arrangement.

You are being a bit economical with the truth there though tbh. You might never have told him, but by taking the job you would be putting him in the situation where he would either have to see you one day a week or he would need to change his arrangements.

Sonic the Shaghog · 14-01-2021 11:54PM

Augme wrote: »

You are being a bit economical with the truth there though tbh. You might never have told him, but by taking the job you would be putting him in the situation where he would either have to see you one day a week or he would need to change his arrangements.

To be honest I'm starting to wonder if the OP knows this and had just assumed he'd play to her tune when it came to it and is more miffed hes made it clear that won't be happening

seasidedub · 15-01-2021 12:02AM

Meeoow wrote: »

Can you drive to him sometimes? Maybe he is fed up doing all the driving.
I used to work away, and do a 3 hour drive at the weekends. It is very tiring.

As said, I asked about the distance - he was the one who said no problem. I offered to drive 50% of the time, he has been driving down here 90%, he chooses this due to the amenities here (mountains, sea etc.)

seasidedub · 15-01-2021 12:04AM

Sonic the Shaghog wrote: »

To be honest I'm starting to wonder if the OP knows this and had just assumed he'd play to her tune when it came to it and is more miffed hes made it clear that won't be happening

Yes, if I took the job it would change things, I did not assume he would "play to my tune", but I was not expecting such a blanket "no", I was expecting a discussion. It feels like a gun to my head "me or the job". And it is hard to make that decision as it is early days.

YellowLead · 15-01-2021 12:08AM

seasidedub wrote: »

Yes, if I took the job it would change things, I did not assume he would "play to my tune", but I was not expecting such a blanket "no", I was expecting a discussion. It feels like a gun to my head "me or the job". And it is hard to make that decision as it is early days.

I think that precisely because it is such early days that it makes it easier to make the decision. At the end of the day he has been honest about what he wants, whether you think it’s fair or not. He isn’t going to compromise what he wants for you, so unless you want to sacrifice the job and possibly more for him I think it’s clear that parting ways is the only option.

seasidedub · 15-01-2021 12:10AM

Sonic the Shaghog wrote: »

But it's still all maybes. What's he's looking at is you cutting down significantly your time together and him doing a load of traveling for the foreseeable for the possibility of travelling 3 hours there Saturday morning and 3 hours back the next day or Monday morning and to top it off for only for 4 days or 2 weekends a month if it's every second weekend. As you said ye are nearly having 4 days with each other weekly currently

A big benefit to the distance is several days together after arriving, where you can unwind, take it easy. If you arrive of a Friday night/Saturday morning and have to be heading off again Sunday night and only getting 2 weekends a month it severely knocks the good of it and that scenario is living on the hope he could change his custody arrangement in future

As it stands hes looking at driving to you late Saturday night and home again the next day, at best Monday morning

I really think your failing to grasp the difference to him here. It's a massive change to the setup ye have.

Would you be willing to offer to finish work Friday and drive to him right after and head home then Sunday/Monday early for a few months? I think you'd realise then that it would knock the good of it if as you say he's been doing all teh travelling so far and is now facing this

Absolutely it would change things. But, as I wrote, I changed my working schedule (which I was able to do) to suit his custody arrangements and give us on average at least 4 nights and 3 full days together, sometimes more. Sure, this is lovely, I believe he enjoys the time as much as I do because of our outdoor stuff, he's not coming down to just drink and watch netflix. But, life can change at any time, and it seems I am only a potential partner for him if the current scenario never changes. This is my issue and fear. And again, he is currently doing most of the driving out of his own choice.

15-01-2021 12:15AM

seasidedub wrote: »

Yes, if I took the job it would change things, I did not assume he would "play to my tune", but I was not expecting such a blanket "no", I was expecting a discussion. It feels like a gun to my head "me or the job". And it is hard to make that decision as it is early days.

The concern I'd have is that if you decided to stick with him and turn down the job that you'd become resentful of him hampering your ability to choose what you wanted and your career path.

strandroad · 15-01-2021 12:30AM

seasidedub wrote: »

Yes, if I took the job it would change things, I did not assume he would "play to my tune", but I was not expecting such a blanket "no", I was expecting a discussion. It feels like a gun to my head "me or the job". And it is hard to make that decision as it is early days.

I completely agree, I can see how it would be a valid concern not to have as much time anymore, but instead of hearing "I don't know, I'm concerned" from him you not only heard "no", you also heard "you'll be easy to replace".

It's a mismatch plain and simple, but perhaps it's for the better that it happened early.

Sonic the Shaghog · 15-01-2021 12:32AM

seasidedub wrote: »

Yes, if I took the job it would change things, I did not assume he would "play to my tune", but I was not expecting such a blanket "no", I was expecting a discussion. It feels like a gun to my head "me or the job". And it is hard to make that decision as it is early days.

On the other side tho he could say a gun is to his head in it's either do all this travelling for 1 night with me or nothing unless you change your custody agreement

seasidedub · 15-01-2021 12:33AM

Sonic the Shaghog wrote: »

On the other side tho he could say a gun is to his head in it's either do all this travelling for 1 night with me or nothing unless you change your custody agreement

he could say that, although I have not asked him to change anything, just to have a discussion about how we could make things work if I took the job, but I take your point

seasidedub · 15-01-2021 12:48AM

strandroad wrote: »

I completely agree, I can see how it would be a valid concern not to have as much time anymore, but instead of hearing "I don't know, I'm concerned" from him you not only heard "no", you also heard "you'll be easy to replace".

It's a mismatch plain and simple, but perhaps it's for the better that it happened early.

I think this really is the crux of it, I did hope to hear even "I don't know, I'd need to think, it could be a real issue etc", but it was "no" and yeah, that I'd be easy to replace. Which is hard to swallow when you think you're getting along so well due to a genuine "match" not just because you fit criteria.

Sonic the Shaghog · 15-01-2021 12:51AM

seasidedub wrote: »

he could say that, although I have not asked him to change anything, just to have a discussion about how we could make things work if I took the job, but I take your point

But as Augme rightly pointed out, unless he changes that custody agreement no other option will work, so this constant "I've not asked him to change anything only have a discussion" defence, doesn't wash. You even admitted you brought up the brainstorm of changing his agreement to every 2nd weekend to see if he'd even potentially be against that and he shut it down.

There's no other option here unless either you forget the job or he changes his custody agreement. I don't blame him one bit for wanting to cut it loose as it's too much hassle for such a little reward, so to speak, despite how much he may like you.

I think you just want to hear "yes he's manipulative and unreasonable and you're right OP"

He isn't.

I don't believe at this stage after all the advice you've had you can't see it. You are dead right if you want the job , take it. But trying to change his custody is the only way ye will be able to have more than a day together and at that it will only be every 2nd weekend.

To be honest I think there's the 2 of ye in it wanting it all your own way if I'm honest as I said he won't budge but I think you know well his only option to work it with you is change his custody and settle for seeing you every 2nd weekend.

I'm wondering if there's a bit of a dented ego here too in that "he should move mountains to see me and why won't he"

I'm not sure whether your trying to fool us or yourself at this stage.

seasidedub · 15-01-2021 01:01AM

Sonic the Shaghog wrote: »

But as Augme rightly pointed out, unless he changes that custody agreement no other option will work, so this constant "I've not asked him to change anything only have a discussion" defence, doesn't wash. You even admitted you brought up the brainstorm of changing his agreement to every 2nd weekend to see if he'd even potentially be against that and he shut it down.

There's no other option here unless either you forget the job or he changes his custody agreement. I don't blame him one bit for wanting to cut it loose as it's too much hassle for such a little reward, so to speak, despite how much he may like you.

I think you just want to hear "yes he's manipulative and unreasonable and you're right OP"

He isn't.

I don't believe at this stage after all the advice you've had you can't see it. You are dead right if you want the job , take it. But trying to change his custody is the only way ye will be able to have more than a day together and at that it will only be every 2nd weekend.

To be honest I think there's the 2 of ye in it wanting it all your own way if I'm honest as I said he won't budge but I think you know well his only option to work it with you is change his custody and settle for seeing you every 2nd weekend.

I'm wondering if there's a bit of a dented ego here too in that "he should move mountains to see me and why won't he"

I'm not sure whether your trying to fool us or yourself at this stage.

I promise my ego is not dented, I'm just sad as I liked him. If I take the job and he goes as he said he will, well that's it. I have been genuinely interested to see what others think and all opinions are helpful. Some feel he is manipulative, some not. Logistics, it seems, can sometimes dictate relationships or "almost relationships", that's how it goes.

For the record, he hates the custody arrangement as it neither gives him a solid block of time with the particular child, nor a chance for a weekend away etc. He also is not allowed to take the child on holiday with him, which I find extraordinary. I guess he could sort that in court as it is definitely an abnormal arrangement, and a reasonable judge would see that. However, not my business, I have not asked why, it is too soon.

strandroad · 15-01-2021 01:13AM

I don't think that manipulative is a good word OP. He's not trying to guilt trip you or anything like this, he is telling you that he needs a woman with means to be free during the week; and if you no longer fit he'll move on. He is very open about the requirements and his chances in the "market" but it's not manipulation.

seasidedub · 15-01-2021 01:29AM

Ok, just checked my phone here and can I just say, that firstly when I told him I was going for the interview he never mentioned anything about if I got it and took it, it was the end of us.

On my phone I see the message I sent to tell him that I was the No. 1 pick of the panel and his response is "you being number 1 choice is just one of your quality traits, everything else will fall into place"

Therefore, I believed he was going to be supportive and was taken aback at his true response.

leggo · 15-01-2021 08:12AM

OP you kinda hand-waved earlier when I pointed out that you saying there’s a small pool available to him was the most manipulative thing I’ve seen said here, but now you KEEP going back to it so I’m going to expand.

What you’re trying to do by saying that to him is communicate “I’m your last chance, if you lose me then you may not find anyone else.” Tbh that’s not really your business to say, it’s not factually accurate that he can’t find someone else who’d make him happy, and the truth of it is you’re trying to scare him into staying with you by adding a threat to how comfortable he is in his decision. It’s not nice behaviour and I’ve seen people get crucified on here for saying similar.

Initially I was like “fair enough, it was said in the heat of the moment” but how often you refer back to it here suggests it’s genuinely a go-to point for you on this issue so you’re probably going to end up saying it again if you haven’t already. Please don’t and try remove that train of thought, because that’s making YOU the manipulative one in this instance. And tbh if he’s as self-assured as he seems then that kinda craic often speeds up people’s decision dramatically.

15-01-2021 08:27AM

I think you guys just have a complicated setup and you switching to a new schedule would make him question the longevity of the relationship given all its complications much earlier than he would have if your schedule and ability to spend time together were to stay as it was when you first met. That doesn't mean he's not into you or doesn't enjoy spending time with you, it means that he's had a look at the complexities in the cold light of day and seen that the challenges that are already there (inflexible custody schedule, distance etc.) would be amplified to a point of not being workable if your availability were to shift.

There is the possibility that this was a knee jerk reaction in a way so if I were you I would revisit it with him, just to be sure that now he's had a little time to think about it that's still his position (as in the relationship wouldn't be worth pursuing if you take the job) and if that is actually his position then you have your exit if you want it, knowing that you just weren't a good fit for each other. Good fit encompasses more than the emotional and attraction stuff, it's about compatible lifestyles (including schedules sometimes), shared goals, and an endgame when there is distance involved.

I'd also say that as you say he's had an acrimonious split and divorce he may very well be quite guarded and have a need for things to go 'his' way which is more about self-protection than control per se. That's not excusing it, just explaining it. In needing things to go right and prevent a bad relationship he might be over-emphasising minor issues as cues that the relationship will never work, has no future etc. and it's better for him to get out now before it ends up like the last one. Also when there's acrimony around custody there can be an over-emphasis on any perceived threat to that, so your statement about the scheduling fitting better if/maybe he had his child every other weekend was a total red flag for him. I've dated a few separated/divorced dads over the years and and in my experience the severity of what they'd been through in their breakups and custody issues always influenced the relationships - in both good and bad ways. All of this to say that you can meet a great guy you connect with who just isn't the right one because of circumstances, much as you wish they were.

YellowLead · 15-01-2021 08:42AM

OP it comes across as if you are looking to assign blame of some sort to this man, and feel like he owes you more. At the end of the day it’s only been three months and if you take this new role it would mean a drastic change to the amount of time you could see each other. Which to be honest would be a deal breaker for many people.

At this stage in a relationship ideally the amount of time you are spending together would increase and not decrease. The connection is too tenuous and new to withstand this kind of separation for extended periods.

It also sounds like you’ve projected into the future to some extent as your previous posts mentioned if custody were to be changed you would happily spends weekends with his child etc. And that you felt this was it. Could it be that you are annoyed at yourself for getting so involved so soon? Had you ever discussed the seriousness of the relationship?

I know you didn’t ask him to change custody arrangements - but the mere mention of the possibility of ‘what if’ might have annoyed him.

You simply have to assess whether or not you want the job independently of him. Imagine you don’t go for it even though you would like too, and another 3 months down the line this ends? If you were 5 years together fair enough it would warrant thinking about which was more important to you him or the job - but it isn’t. He has been honest and laid his cards on the table - he’s not willing to try if you are unavailable to him time wise.

So continue the relationship if you will - but know that on his side it’s contingent on your availability.

Faith · 15-01-2021 10:06AM

seasidedub wrote: »

I am qualified in 2 areas of healthcare. One = decent money, plenty of jobs, and my current job is fulfilling and gives me a lot of free time as I do 3x13 hour shifts. Two = modestly better money, rarely any jobs, Mon-Fri, 9-5ish.

Recently had a job offer in area two. Not even sure myself do I want it

I’m stuck on, why is this such a big deal when this job offer doesn’t even sound like something you really want? All you’re looking to gain is a bit more money (probably mostly eaten up in taxes anyway) and two more working days a week. More days at work for the benefit of fractionally more money and a huge loss of free time. Is that actually what you want?

I commend you on your responsiveness here, OP, and your willingness to engage with the posters, but I find myself falling into the category of people thinking this was some kind of test for your partner. You challenged him to make a decision on a largely hypothetical situation, presumably expecting him to choose you regardless, and now you’re hurt because he called your bluff.

If you were single, would you want job #2? What about it makes you want it over your current job? The way I see it, you’ve focused on your partner’s response but I don’t see any thought process or analysis about whether you actually want the job in the first place, or whether that is right for you.

Of the following 3 scenarios, which is preferable?

1. You stay in the same job, your relationship continues on its current trajectory
2. You change jobs, drastically reduce the amount of time spent with your partner and the relationship continues in a fractured way
3. You take the new job because it is important enough to you that you can cope with the ending of a relationship

You moved the goalposts, not him, so I really don’t think it’s fair to accuse him of being manipulative because he didn’t simply accept this unilateral change that’s potentially being thrust upon him.

Is this manipulation or am I wrong?

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