Is this manipulation or am I wrong?

qwerty13

I don’t think he’s being remotely manipulative. If anyone is, I think it’s you OP, with your “I didn’t ask him to change custody arrangements; but how would things work if you were to change them”. This IS manipulative.

I can completely see his point, the relationship is dead in the water if you take this new job, given that you’ve been together such a short time. And he’s right to prioritise his child over you (which I know I wouldn’t be great at handling, so a partner with kids just isn’t for me). However, I also think you should not sacrifice what sounds like a very infrequently occurring opportunity for you, on the chance that you and he work out. Especially as it sounds like the new job would suit you far better in the future.

He has not led you on at all regarding his expectations. Or sugar coated things. If he had a difficult divorce or agreement re child custody arrangements, I could see how it would be incredibly important to him to be very clear on what he wants from a relationship. It sounds as though he didn’t express that terribly well though.

In short, you may well get on great, but the practicalities are against you: distance, child care, and your future job arrangement being incompatible with his life. That’s a LOT to work through, and in my opinion, you’re just not together long enough for that to work out. A single one of those would be difficult in a longer relationship - but he has rightly recognised that the non-fitting of 3 big ticket items are not a runner when it comes to continuing past the initial 3 months.

I don’t think either of you are wrong. It’s just an impractical situation. I do think you’re completely wrong about him being controlling or manipulative though. Your lives are incompatible for the next few (5 to 10?) years. And he’s rightly pulling the plug on that. He could have been kinder in his expression of that though - not in terms of how things ‘might work’, because they more than likely would not; but the ‘I’ll find someone else who fits my criteria’ is a bit harsh. But then again you pretty much told him that he would not, so perhaps he was just responding to that.

Big Bag of Chips

strandroad wrote: »

I think that it could easily be more than that. He is completely free during the week so what's stopping him driving up Sunday morning and staying with the OP until Wednesday or Thursday? She's be at work during the day but after Sunday they would still have afternoons and evenings.

Well the OP seems to only be offering the option of every second weekend in the hypothetical situation of access with his son being every other weekend.

Whatever way you look at it OP, you're together a very short time. And now you are considering changing the circumstances of your relationship quite drastically. Of course you are perfectly entitled to make the decision that is best for you career wise. But he is equally entitled to feel that the relationship no longer works for him.

People break up all the time for various reasons. Couples who really do like each other can end up separating if they find out ultimately that their lifestyles are incompatible. I think he knows that if your time together drops to a few days a month and long travel hours for short time together that it will eventually end anyway. He's just premptimg that. I assume if you change to the 9-5 Mon-Fri you plan to stay in that role for the rest of your working years. That's a big change to your day. Realistically what time would you be home every evening? After having dinner etc, how likely are you to want to go hiking?!

Would you be happy to continue indefinitely in a relationship with him but go 2 weeks without seeing him every time and then only see him for maybe 36 hours? Would you be happy to hugely cut back on all the things you do together? Your hours would be filled with work. He could of course go off on his own in your area with all the amenities, but he'd prefer to do those things as a couple. It's part of the reason you two have hit it off so well. If that's removed from the relationship it is a big part of your relationship that you are changing.

As I said, in a long term established relationship it's something that the couple would work around if it was decided between them. In such a new relationship he's deciding he wants a relationship where he can spend more time with a partner, not less. He may not have been very delicate in the way he worded it, but he's probably right. If this relationship doesn't work out (for any reason) then you would both very likely move on and find someone else, more suited.

seasidedub

Thanks for all replies. I'd ask the mod to close thread now. I've loads to think about.

JeffKenna

seasidedub wrote: »

Thanks for all replies. I'd ask the mod to close thread now. I've loads to think about.

Best of luck with it anyway regardless of what happens.