Why am I single?

LegacyUser · 29-12-2020 09:25PM #1

Hi everybody, thank you in advance for taking the time to read through my ranty post. All advice & suggestions appreciated.

A bit about me, im early 30's freelance/casual worker living with family. From the outside this doesnt sound ideal but for me it works, my adult sibling lives at home too, cousins & aunties/uncles live a stones throw away from us. At home I pay my way and ask for nothing. Its better than paying unaffordable high rents as far as im concerned and I wouldnt feel ok signing on the housing list or accepting HAP while so many need it more than me. So thats my set up for now, im happy out and have plenty of pets & people around me.

As for my personality, im quiet and solitary but love socialising too and always make the time for friends and family. I take great care of myself and im happy to say that other people notice this, people always comment to tell me that im attractive, ive often had men come up to me on nights out to tell me they think im good looking. They usually drunk and not interested in getting to know me but enjoy the compliment and ill take it.
I go to the gym, go for walks & runs, eat well big into positive mental health and often meditate, practice yoga & mindfulness, I try to speak to a counsellor for a couple of sessions every year or two & I always take something positive from it. I love reading and really interested in psychology, im always reading up about this subject but enjoy fiction, history & biographies too.
I love clothes, shoes, skincare & makeup, love getting my hair & nails done.
I love going out for meals & drinks or making some at home on a weekend. I also love cooking and if I have a night in or cant sleep I enjoy baking. Also, love making nice healthy lunches & dinners & enjoy cooking for other people.
Love music, art & animals, ive really missed getting out to museums & galleries over the lockdown, I have lots of hobbies that I enjoy.
I love learning new things, im learning Irish now, I have a few qualifications and want to get back to university some time to do a masters although haven't decided in what subject yet.
When im in a relationship im loyal & considerate and I also love sex, everyone of my exes has told me im great in bed. I love making other people happy in all aspects of life and this is really reflected in my sex life, outside of a relationship or when im single I dont sleep with many people, it feels a bit meaningless and pointless to me so this results in months or year(s) long dry spells.
I spend a good amount of my week volunteering for charities & keeping busy when im not working freelance.
Im not anyway near close to perfect, ive flaws like anyone else but I think im a catch, im a decent person, I can genuinely look in the mirror every night and know that I haven't intentionally caused any hurt or pain to anyone else and thats good enough for me.

Despite all this, I cant seem to get a boyfriend & this didnt bother me in my 20's but as im getting older im really starting to wonder is there something wrong with me or do I repel men in some way?
Ive joined all the dating apps but most of the time the men dont make an effort to meet up or theyre only looking for one thing.
Men I meet when out seem to be the same, theres never any spark or connection.
Just wondering if anyone elses experiences this because I feel like its just me.
Thanks

YellowLead · 30-12-2020 12:53PM

You sound lovely OP. I note you mentioned that your personality is quiet and solitary. This can mean it takes a little longer to click with people. Men possibly need to invest a little time in you to get to know all of your wonderful qualities if you are not shouting them from the rooftops - the right guy will, so don’t give up. I’m often dismissed as ‘quiet’ (which I actually take as a compliment) when in fact I’m just a little reserved around strangers - and then when people get to know me they admit surprise that I’m actually fun and talkative

TheadoreT · 30-12-2020 02:42PM

I think theres plenty of men who'd have similar issues so you kinda have to take a step back and analyse what's happening and then try to address that.

Those men who are good at online dating probably are for a reason, they'd get through plenty of dates and sleep with plenty of women and have enough practice to perfect the ways to woo a woman. But they'd fall into a small % of male online daters, and probably not the type to suit your personality anyway.

The main complaint of most male online daters is nobody replies to them or conversations fizzle out quick.

Maybe try make an extra effort with those conversations that might feel a little stagnant at first and try push through the awkwardness. Becuase it could be a very similar type to yourself, who's a bit quiet and reserved at first but then super interesting when you get to know them.

I think we look for that initial spark too much and dismiss others too easily. I'm sure plenty have done that to you in the past, and its their loss by the sounds of it.

But think of it like of you were back in school or college and a person grew on you naturally the more you got to know them.

Invest time in getting to know people properly, go on that 2nd date when you're unsure, or join clubs to let friendships cultivate naturally which may lead to more, let people get to know the real you and visa versa.

Antares35 · 30-12-2020 02:48PM

Hi OP you sound lovely and I feel like an under achiever by comparison!

I don't think living at home is a deal breaker in this day and age. I lived at home when l met my OH online. There were a lot of messers before I got to him, trust me!

One impression I got reading your post is you sound like you're always busy. Are you taking time to go out on dates or even chat beforehand with potential dates? Sometimes chatting a bit beforehand can be a good way to weed out those who are only after one thing.

I hope it works out for you.

Samsonsmasher · 30-12-2020 02:53PM

Are you sure you aren't assuming men are only after one thing? Are you sure you're not writing men off prematurely before you give them a chance? We know what type of woman you are but what kind of man are you looking for?

Thelonious Monk · 30-12-2020 03:27PM

You sound like you're doing things right, just carry on as is and if you meet someone you meet someone.
It seems most people meet on dating apps these days, maybe just be a bit more discerning who you speak with, I'm sure you get enough attention on these things to be picky.
Or maybe you need to take a break from the apps, I know I went on dozens that were instantly forgettable, a break for a few months might help. That's the nature of the game though, you're not going to connect with any of them really until you do, and then hopefully it'll be worth it.

ILoveYourVibes · 31-12-2020 06:35AM

Hi OP.

You sound lovely ..i wish you were my friend.

Maybe you intimidate men?

Also your life sounds so full ....maybe there is no room for one.

I can genuinely look in the mirror every night and know that I haven't intentionally caused any hurt or pain to anyone else and thats good enough for me.

Please be my friend. (kidding i know we can't pm here)

The truth is ..there are not many women out there who are as good as you.

I am a woman saying this.

Also a lot of the things you like to do ..sound like things you might do alone...rather than socializing and going to parties.

I mean you do have to meet people to affect the odds of meeting the right people. This is obviously very hard right now and not the right thing to do.

But when this is all over....maybe you need to increase the odds by just simply have a goal of meeting new people every week and socializing in large groups?

If you are not extroverted ..make friends with a few extroverts nice ones that you like and get on with. The people who know where all the parties are.

You know the type of people who have lots of others around them all the time. They usually like a couple of very genuine people around them like you.

pwurple · 31-12-2020 09:49AM

Hi OP.
At first glance, all looks good, but as you are asking us to think a little deeper, I notice a mismatch in your income and outgoings. Your hobbies mention potentially pricey things, like shoes, skincare, clothes, meals out, counseling etc. I am guessing at yoga and mindfulness retreats to go with the gym sessions. You have casual freelance work, and despite the costly hobbies, your only opportunity to move out is the HAP.

I wonder do you possibly come across as high maintenance? Sometimes that instagramable lifestyle can be perceived as quite superficial. Good for casual encounters but not a long term relationship. Maybe look over the online photos and see if that's a vibe you give off.

CelticRambler · 31-12-2020 10:35AM

Loveinapril wrote: »

I would always wonder why an employed person in their 30's is living at home.

There was a meme on the LOL thread a while ago "A woman won't date a man who lives with his mother, but has no problem dating a man who lives with his wife" Is it the same when the tables are turned?

What I see in your description, OP, is something I'm all too familiar with myself and pointed out by ILoveYourVibes: your interests and lifestyle don't bring you into contact with many people, so ... you're not going to meet many people. Then, out of all the people that you do meet, your cautious nature means that you're probably not spending long enough with (m)any of them for them to get to know the person behind your "public" image. I don't think that hanging around with a load of extroverts and going to parties will help in that regard, though!

But I'd also agree with the observation that your life seems really full. When reading similar profiles on dating sites, my first thought is always "sounds like they've no room for anyone else" and moving on. If you do have loads of free time, make sure you point that out too!

YellowLead · 31-12-2020 10:44AM

I will admit as a woman, I wouldn’t consider dating a guy who lived at home with his family (I’m in my 30s). If it was made very clear it was a temporary situation beyond his control (temp dip in employment due to Covid for example) that would be different. If it was by choice - not a chance (unless to care for elderly/incapacitated relative). I wonder is it the same for guys?
Perhaps living with your parents/siblings by choice is affecting your chances OP. A prospective date might assume if he dates you, he dates your whole family, and that he might have to replace your family in looking after you financially (housing wise) if things progress. I’m not recommending you change this to suit anybody else, if it works for you it works for you. But it’s a possibility it could be diminishing your pool of suitors a tiny bit.

LegacyUser · 31-12-2020 11:14AM

Thank you everyone for the replies & suggestions, I found lots of them very helpful and some hit the nail on the head. Ill try to get back to everyone as best as I can.

@Yellowlead & @TheadoreT - This is very descriptive of my situation. I can find it very difficult to click with people and when speaking to men, I feel like im doing all the work and theyre not trying to get to know me at all. I feel like, allot of the time men dont have any interest in investing time into me. It feels like its always all about them which can be one sided and draining.
Because im quiet I think some people think I dont have anything to say or that I dont have feelings and can be walked on a bit. This is reflected in my dating life.

@Antares35 - Thank you, yes the living at home situation isnt something im concerned about.
I do have lots of hobbies but I always make time for people if someone where in my life I would always make time for them.

@ILoveYourVibes - You make some great points, im introverted so dont really put myself out there, if im honest very extroverted people intimidate me so I tend to avoid them but maybe that is something I could work on changing. Thank you.

@pwuple - Thanks for responding, I feel like there are quite a few assumptions in this post that I would like to address. Although I would love to go to a retreat, ive never been to one, I practice Yoga at home with youtube videos which are great. Mindfulness doesnt require any expense, it can be practiced while walking or sitting quietly.
Counselling hasnt cost me much, for example last year I saw a counsellor through the HSE which was free.
The year before I went to a discount counsellor that cost 15 euro per session.
As for buying clothes, shoes makeup ect.. I am very sensible with my money and only buy what I can afford.
Im not on social media much at all, the last instagram picture I posted was a photo of my cat in 2019. My profile page is private and I couldnt tell you how many followers I have, likely less than 100. I havnt shared a facebook post in almost a year, ive never been into social media very much at all.

@LovinApril - I think we have different views about adults living at home, it suits me down to the ground. I have savings and I lived out of home for several years.
Personally I wouldnt judge someone for where they live and it wouldnt put me off a man if he lived with family.

@Celtic Rambler - Your post is very accurate, Im cautious by nature and maybe need to focus on putting myself out there a bit more.

CelticRambler · 31-12-2020 12:56PM

Loveinapril wrote: »

the major thing that stood out for me is that you have a casual job and live at home. It just seems a bit immature to be happy living at home with an unstable job choice and no apparent desire to change it at your age.

That's a really old-fashioned view of the world - like 1970s or 1950s old-fashioned! But surely if one has a "casual" job, the best choice of accommodation is one that you share with people you can count on? There are dozens of threads elsewhere on this site about problems arising from flat-mates moving boyfriends/girlfriends in without permission, or the challenge of finding reasonably priced (rental) accommodation while saving for a deposit.

Is there really any difference between living with an older woman who happens to be your mother and living with someone else's mother who happens to have a spare room that she'll rent to you?

Mind you, who am I to question the logic? Asking a woman whether or not she still lives with her parents is way down the list of questions that I consider important in picking someone to date ... which might explain why I'm still annoyingly single too.

CelticRambler · 31-12-2020 01:12PM

Why am I single wrote: »

Im cautious by nature and maybe need to focus on putting myself out there a bit more.

Yes and no: if putting yourself out there more means changing who you are, that'll lead you back to the same situation. You need to look for (more) opportunities to be yourself in the presence of strangers.

We all have a tendency to put on an act when we're faced with new people. Sometimes this is necessary (e.g. keeping a professional distance at work) and sometimes it's self-preservation (being seen to be "having fun" with extrovert family and friends who can't cope with sitting still!)

This is the version of you that any potential partner is going to see first, and if that's not how you want to be seen, you'll have to find ways of showing the "real" you in a different context. Whatever hobbies you have got, see if you can arrange to practice them in a more social fashion. If you play music, play in a group; if you enjoy photography, join a photo club; if you like hiking, go on organised walks instead of heading out alone (Covid-permitting, of course :rolleyes: - but there's nothing to stop you setting things in motion over the course of another lockdown)

And don't forget: the person who's most interested in you might be facing exactly the same challenges - are you giving them the benefit of the doubt?

YellowLead · 31-12-2020 01:18PM

CelticRambler wrote: »

Asking a woman whether or not she still lives with her parents is way down the list of questions that I consider important in picking someone to date ... which might explain why I'm still annoyingly single too.

Indeed and everybody has their likes and dislikes in others - their deal breakers and desires. Which is why you shouldn’t change yourself to suit others.

However....and this is not in any way to suggest this is OP as it isn’t ...sometimes people hold others to certain standards and don’t follow them themselves. Eg. Somebody unemployed looking for a millionaire or somebody really overweight who doesn’t brush their hair who won’t look at anyone unless they have a 6 pack....the list could go on. But this is veering off topic. OP sounds like she has a lot of interests but is a little quiet and this is most likely the cause of difficultly finding somebody. OP you have said you are loving when in relationships which means you have had them - so no reason to think you won’t again. It’s tough for us all out there - esp in these covid times.

Thelonious Monk · 31-12-2020 01:19PM

Just thinking about it there, as someone who lives alone and owns a house and is only a bit older than you - if you only work part time and live at home, I probably wouldn't be interested - on paper anyway, anything can happen in person. What are your plans for the future?

CelticRambler · 31-12-2020 01:50PM

Loveinapril wrote: »

It is really interesting that you find it old fashioned. I am in my mid thirties so not too much older than the OP. I would find the OP's situation uncommon. Anyone I know living at home at that age did so to save for a mortgage or for a short term fix because of a specific situation. From the outside looking in, on a superficial level, I would see the OP's situation as quite old fashioned- a casual job with no real desire to move out would make me wonder if she is waiting to be kept by a man.

Yep!

That attitude to the OP's job is another thing I find old-fashioned. Maybe it's because I'm 20 years older, but to me there's nothing particularly negative about a "freelance/casual worker". If anything, that's the one great attribute I see in the OP's description: she's more interested in living than working, and (going by the rest of what she says), if I met her at a dance, she wouldn't look like someone who hadn't a penny to her name. There's no reason why someone, today, can't lead a perfectly stable and self-supporting lifestyle working as a freelancer.

YellowLead · 31-12-2020 01:54PM

CelticRambler wrote: »

Yep! That attitude to the OP's job is another thing I find old-fashioned. Maybe it's because I'm 20 years older, but to me there's nothing particularly negative about a "freelance/casual worker". If anything, that's the one great attribute I see in the OP's description: she's more interested in living than working, and (going by the rest of what she says), if I met her at a dance, she wouldn't look like someone who hadn't a penny to her name. There's no reason why someone, today, can't lead a perfectly stable and self-supporting lifestyle working as a freelancer.

I have to say here that it’s not self supporting....she is living at home? Plenty of guys might be happy to be the main breadwinner and support a lady, esp if they have a good job themselves with plenty of money to cover a mortgage solo etc. But it won’t be every guy...not in this day and age. Not saying I think that’s the main issue for OP, it’s prob more the shyness, but the living at home with no plan to progress might be off putting for a certain pool of guys. As a woman I would not be interested in a man in said scenario for example - but each to their own and if OP is happy with her scenario that’s cool for her.

qwerty13 · 31-12-2020 02:00PM

I’d guess that the shyness in combination with living with the parents gives people pause for thought - as in wondering if the OP is tethered to her parents apron strings. On the surface, it may sound very old-fashioned ie a quiet girl living with mammy and daddy until she meets a nice man.

I do understand that that’s not what you’re about OP, but that’s the first impression that people may get. For what it’s worth, I’d find like lack of freedom very offputting in dating someone who lived with their parents.

CelticRambler · 31-12-2020 02:00PM

YellowLead wrote: »

I have to say here that it’s not self supporting....she is living at home?

She could be earning 10k€ for every job, giving 2k a month to her mother and have 250k in the bank ...That'd be self-supporting enough for me.

@OP : it looks like we have at least a partial explanation of what your problem is: some preconceived ideas of how you should be living your life!

YellowLead · 31-12-2020 02:03PM

CelticRambler wrote: »

She could be earning 10k€ for every job, giving 2k a month to her mother and have 250k in the bank ...That'd be self-supporting enough for me.

@OP : it looks like we have at least a partial explanation of what your problem is: some preconceived ideas of how you should be living your life!

If you took the time to read OPs post she said she could not afford to live on her own without claiming HAP, so what she earns must be very small as you can get a room in a house share outside Leinster for not that much - sounds like as a free lancer she could work from anywhere. I’m pretty sure she isn’t paying rent at home....otherwise she wouldn’t be needing to go on a housing list or claim HAP as she mentioned would be necessary in order to not live with her parents.

LegacyUser · 31-12-2020 02:08PM

Thanks again for the responses.

For those who feel my living situation makes me seem immature and undatable, I think we have very different values when it comes to finding partners.
I dont judge people on where they live, who they live with, their job, how many hours a week they work or what they earn. Circumstances change for good or bad all the time and if they are a motivated person who has good character to me that means more than how much money they have in the bank or the type of house they live in.
I would hope that if I met someone we would eventually find a place together but I suppose I just dont really value those things when deciding if I want to be with someone.
When I was renting for several years it didn't make much of a difference anyway.

As someone who is independent I would not be reliant on a partner for money or support and if that's the assumption a man would jump to about me, maybe theyre not right for me anyway.

As for my job, I work in a creative & academic profession, its not ideal in terms of security but im really passionate about it and its something I truly love. For me it's better than working in a stuffy office as far as im concerned, it pays my bills & allows me to pay my way at home and its a job that makes me happy.

Sometimes I feel Im judged by other people because I don't follow the status quo but I dont feel that I should get a secure full time job in something I dislike so I can buy a house for a man to find me worthy enough to date.
Ideally I would like to meet someone who is kind, open minded, mutually interested in me as I am in him and interesting in building a life together as a couple.

CelticRambler · 31-12-2020 02:13PM

YellowLead wrote: »

If you took the time to read OPs post she said she could not afford to live on her own without claiming HAP, so what she earns must be very small as you can get a room in a house share outside Leinster for not that much

Fair point; I'd forgotten the HAP reference. So she doesn't have 250k in the bank. However, I still can't see why living with a bunch of strangers in a provincial town is so much more of a positive, dateable attribute than someone living with their parents. I would certainly find the OP more of an interesting person for not chasing benefits just so she could pass herself off as "independent."

YellowLead · 31-12-2020 02:16PM

CelticRambler wrote: »

Fair point; I'd forgotten the HAP reference. So she doesn't have 250k in the bank. However, I still can't see why living with a bunch of strangers in a provincial town is so much more of a positive, dateable attribute than someone living with their parents. I would certainly find the OP more of an interesting person for not chasing benefits just so she could pass herself off as "independent."

I wouldn’t date anybody living at home with their parents, or living elsewhere and claiming welfare as a lifestyle choice. It’s just my choice not to want a financially dependent partner - but it’s cool that it wouldn’t bother you, each to their own makes the world go around

Thelonious Monk · 31-12-2020 02:23PM

Loveinapril wrote: »

It is really interesting that you find it old fashioned. I am in my mid thirties so not too much older than the OP. I would find the OP's situation uncommon. Anyone I know living at home at that age did so to save for a mortgage or for a short term fix because of a specific situation. From the outside looking in, on a superficial level, I would see the OP's situation as quite old fashioned- a casual job with no real desire to move out would make me wonder if she is waiting to be kept by a man. I am in no way saying that is what THIS OP is looking for but if I had a friend in the same position looking for a relationship I would certainly be advising them to spend energy on stabilising their career to allow them to become a fully independent adult.

This is it, like there are 1000s of women out there at the moment in my "range" if you like - so when internet dating allows you to be as picky as you like, you start to filter them out with little things like this. My last girlfriend had her own apartment, lived alone, and no baggage at all. All of this made me more attracted to her as she was at the same stage of life as myself and it really did make things so much easier, no flatmates to worry about, or parents in this case.
Little things like this do matter even subconsciously.

Meeoow · 31-12-2020 02:30PM

The living at home craic wouldn't bother me.
But the considering HAP or tax payer funded lifestyle craic instead of looking for a full time job would be a no no.
I dated a fella years ago who worked a few hours when he felt like it, I'd be at work, and he would be poncing about during the day having a great time. I got rid of him after 6 months. I like to be with someone who has a good work ethic like myself.

pwurple · 31-12-2020 03:07PM

OP, I didn't make myself clear, apologies. I meant review your dating site pictures and profile to see if you gave off the vibe. Not your SM. Re-read the language you're using in it, see if it's like how you describe yourself here.. being Passionate about something instead of just doing it, building a life together, etc. I know there's a lot of pressure to conform to that way of describing yourself, kind of a Californian slant on everything. I get it at work too, telling us to "build our personal brand". Irish people can find that to be inauthentic, it jars with our culture of self-deprecation.

I think when COVID is over, travel might lead you where you want to go though. Hold tough for now maybe.

bitofabind · 31-12-2020 03:12PM

Thelonious Monk hit the nail on the head. It’s a buyers market for men in their thirties on the apps and the tendency is to screen out people for things that might not otherwise matter but for the fact that they have so much choice. Nothing at all wrong with living at home especially during these times but it is going to be a dealbreaker for people, especially when it’s not a forced situation with a means to an end I.E Covid unemployment or saving for a deposit and it’s just a “because it suits me” situation. To some men that’ll seem unambitious, dependent, like you’re waiting for a man to come along and save you from the situation.

Added to that, it’s not practical as a single person looking to date. The freedom of having our own places played a huge role in my relationship, especially in the initial stages. That’s where most of our bonding and intimacy happened. There’s only so many pub / dinner dates you can have before wanting to spend more private time together and most guys aren’t going to want to meet the family on date Number Three or feel the pressure of always having to host you either.

Hannibal_Smith · 31-12-2020 03:13PM

Mod Note

Greenore, requesting PMs is against the Charter here in PI. Please do not ask or suggest a PM exchange and read the Charter before posting again.

HS

ED E · 31-12-2020 03:19PM

Spirituality, mindfulness and an amateur interest in psychology = run a f:cking mile tbh.

Antares35 · 31-12-2020 03:20PM

I think with house prices nowadays very few people can afford to live on their own tbh. When I met my OH I was living at home (I had been living away but moved back after a breakup to get myself together). It wasn't problem for him. He lived in a house share so if we stayed over after a night out etc it was just at his and not mine

We are saving for our own place now. I guess it's different strokes. It wasn't a deal breaker for him and it wouldn't have been for me. My ex from a few years back was still living with his ex wife who he'd been separated from for five years - now THAT was a deal breaker!

qwerty13 · 31-12-2020 03:58PM

OP, you said that you wouldn’t judge people based on their job or living arrangements. I don’t think anyone here is being terribly judgy - more that you were asking for advice re why you didn’t seem to be having any luck beyond initial dates, and people are highlighting what they may find as a deal breaker (or even a less than ideal situation).

No, you shouldn’t have to change yourself or your life. But I think it’s fair enough for potential dates to decide that your life doesn’t fit with what they want. I don’t think that’s judging you badly. I just think it’s people here saying that there’s a chance that what you’ve chosen from your life may not suit some guys you date. And that’s their choice!

We’re all only speculating here, but the freelance job and living at home seem to have struck a chord with a few people. It could be wrong, but it’s something to perhaps consider.

Why am I single?

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