Daughter Invited Boy Over

ted1 · 10-12-2020 08:47AM

Teach30 wrote: »

H

Also you might want to re - read what I said, no idea where you got the “judgemental attitude” part from. I said other girls look down on each other, didn’t say I did. That’s my teaching experience of it. Try to to misinterpret what people say.

Regardless, at 17 she shouldn’t have carried on that way. Any decent parent would remove phone and privileges. Now you need to talk it out with her.

My experience is very different, I’m with my wife since she was 16, she’s 40 now. No one looked down at her or her friends who were having sex. Granted they weren’t having be might stands but neither was the daughter. She went to quite a posh private school in the southside beside the sea.

In what way should the daughter not have carried on?

statto25 · 10-12-2020 09:01AM

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

OP...

She has a bf .....you need to make sure that to an extent this is on your terms.

Forget covid for a mo...

Talk to her ..ask to meet him...tell her you hav lost trust for her and she needs to regain it ..that if she wants him up at the house ...she needs to demonstrate maturity ...she needs to ask can he stay over ....and tell her sometimes you will say yes ...and sometimes you will say no. That she needs to understand this. That way you can monitor how it goes.

I would also talk to her about contraception safe sex and the pill.

Also i would ask her not to drink too much when he stays over. (idea behind this being ..they are going to drink in fields but just put it in her head drinking and sex don't mix) further note on drinking and fields ....its freezing right now ..its a great deterrent.

Also tell her she has to keep it in her room ...teach her some manners.

May I ask, do you have children of your own?

qwerty13 · 10-12-2020 09:25AM

ted1 wrote: »

My experience is very different, I’m with my wife since she was 16, she’s 40 now. No one looked down at her or her friends who were having sex. Granted they weren’t having be might stands but neither was the daughter. She went to quite a posh private school in the southside beside the sea.

In what way should the daughter not have carried on?

Teach’s posts are incredibly conservative with regard to the role of women / what they might expect after marriage. And really *nothing* pre marriage. So I think her posts need to be viewed with that in mind.

There are many really good posts that are current, and recognise that the daughter is one small step away from legally being an adult. I’d go with their advice, rather than engaging in a blame game.

maddison1 · 10-12-2020 09:28AM

I think you should post this in parenting, you might get different replies. I have a 17 year old and would be worried too. The fact that she doesnt have friends make her more vulnerable. She invited a boy into the home and he brought drink. Did she feel pressured and out of her depth when he was there. You dont know anything about him
I think it's different to when we were young. Theres more expected from girls by boys. The stories my daughter tells me are so different from when I was young. Theres a huge problem with boys and porn and their expectations. We dont know how respectful it was.
Maybe I'm strict but I wouldn't leave my 17 year old on her own for a weekend. I also wouldn't be giving her money every weekend to go off with people.

10-12-2020 09:47AM

This all just sounds like a teenager growing up to me. Is this your eldest child & your first time dealing with this?

I mean, even I brought a girl over when I was 17/18 and used my parents bed rather than my own when they were out of town - it was a double whereas mine was single.

I was drinking at 17 too. Seems most people do.

Sounds quite normal to be honest.

Princess Calla · 10-12-2020 10:38AM

maddison1 wrote: »

I think you should post this in parenting, you might get different replies.

A lot of the posters here are parents.

It's a total bugbear of mine to suggest only parents can give advice on parenting issues.

The OP will also get advice from younger posters here who are closer to being peers to the OPs daughter and have a better appreciation of what the reality of what teenage life in today's environment is like.

Though to be honest I don't think much has changed. My siblings were teenagers in the 80's and according to them 17 was fairly average age, they did say that AIDS was a big scare and casual sex wasn't really the done thing. Plus contraception wasn't easily available.

I'm a 90's teenager and 17 was also average, sure the age of consent was 16 until 1996.

Princess Calla · 10-12-2020 10:46AM

punisher5112 wrote: »

Nothing about spying, the child lied....

They were all wrong anyway, leaving the county and meeting up in pandemic etc etc....

Seriously she didn't even change the bed after the 2 of them been in it.... Funny thing is if she had done it in hers they'd never have known....

Always always use a neighbour's bin to get rid of the cans.

Yeah she did lie, but to be honest how many of are open with our parents about our sex life "shudder" .

Only for I've kids I'd be still pretending that I'm a virgin.

My family only found out I was living with my partner (my house) when I announced I was pregnant and that was a geriatric pregnancy

The previous poster ,babynice, resonates alot with me.

If the OP wants a relationship with her daughter where she's excluded from the big life milestones, she's going about it the right way.

eviltwin · 10-12-2020 11:09AM

Teach30 wrote: »

Have you experience of teaching this area to this age group yourself? They’re surprisingly open about what they tell. Guidance counsellor also a good starting point for general information.

Also you might want to re - read what I said, no idea where you got the “judgemental attitude” part from. I said other girls look down on each other, didn’t say I did. That’s my teaching experience of it. Try to to misinterpret what people say.

Regardless, at 17 she shouldn’t have carried on that way. Any decent parent would remove phone and privileges. Now you need to talk it out with her.

I've worked for an organisation that delivered talks to teenagers around sex and consent and the feedback from facilitators was that a lot of young people are sexually active. I personally took a lot of calls from parents of sexually active teens so its not unusual. When I was young, and I'm in my 40's now, we were all having some kind of sexual activity when we were teenagers. Its true of my daughters friends as well. And its not necessarily a bad thing.

You were judgemental, assuming a liberal sexual attitude has something to do with coming from a "disadvantage background" is pretty judgemental no? But given your views on relationships I take everything you post here with a pinch of salt. You don't represent a realistic view.

The only thing she shouldn't have done was use her parents bed but having sex at 17 isn't taboo and if she was sensible and responsible she should be commended for that. Too many young people are having sex without protection and without giving it much thought. A decent parent would grow up, see their daughter as the young adult she is and talk to her in a mature way.

shesty · 10-12-2020 11:54AM

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Also ..parents need time to get used to having this strange person over in their house etc. They need to get to know him.

But apparently she does not even have enough of an open relationship with her parents to say she was meeting a boy instead of her friends, for (apparently) weeks on end.

The whole thing -the lying about who she was meeting, having him over when they were away and not telling them - screams of a parent-child relationship that needs a lot more work and an attitude adjustment on both sides.The parents to realise she is no longer a child, and the daughter to also realise she is no longer a child and if she wants to be treated like an adult and trusted, she needs to earn it.Don't get me wrong, I don't think she should be saying to her parents she would have him over while they were away, but the very least she could do is make them aware of his existence, and they, in return, could make her aware that maybe they would prefer he was not in the house while they were away.

A very open calm (adult) conversation is needed here, the very least part of which is setting boundaries around who she can have in the house and when, what is absolutely off-limits (sex in her parents bed while they are away for example) and what is not.

Taking away a phone is just pointless and a bit silly, to be honest.It is just reinforcing the fact that they view her as a child, and encouraging her to lie more and find other ways around them.The issue is way beyond that.

freshpopcorn · 10-12-2020 12:22PM

I sort of wonder what type of situation this family is in.
Are you very conservative or naive?
It was sort of a surprise to the OP that her 17 year old daughter might have a boyfriend or have sex.

Idle Passerby · 10-12-2020 12:46PM

I wonder if the beer cans left where they'd be seen was the daughters cack handed way of opening a difficult conversation. She has no friends her own age, she must be desperate to talk to someone about relationships, sex, all of the things she's experiencing for the first time. If these aren't topics she feels able to bring up at home maybe it was her way of forcing the subject to be acknowledged. It's quite sad that instead of a mature conversation where the daughters questions could be answered and the parents expectations asserted, she was instead silenced and punished. This needs an open conversation.

ManOfMystery · 10-12-2020 12:58PM

On the scale of things that some teenagers are known to do, I don't think this was really at the extreme side. I'm talking drugs, drinking to extremes, run-ins with police, yob behaviour, truancy, constant cheek & attitude, physical abuse, and so on.

She's not 13 or 14 - she's bordering on adulthood. And she has a fairly good track record of being responsible, academic and well behaved - thus no suggestion that she's been problematic or that this is the latest in a long line of 'incidents' or any other kind of pattern.

It sounds like she was isolated, lonely, met a boy who she's developed a relationship with (rather than it being a random one-night stand with a stranger off the internet) and they eventually slept together.

Isn't that normal?
Isn't that all part of growing up and becoming an adult?
Isn't it good that despite her previous isolation, she has managed to form a relationship rather than continuing that pattern into adulthood, as many people who are lonely/introverted do?
Is it good that after some years in school without close friendships, she may have found some happiness with someone she is close to?

Honestly, in your shoes, the only thing I would have pulled her up on would be using your bed - that was disrespectful. The rest of it? Cut her some slack. She is a not a young child; she is in the last 3yrs of her teens, and in another year could be living somewhere by herself for university and functioning as an adult. At this age she is fully entitled to make some decisions regarding her own life for herself.

What's more important than 'punishing' her at this stage so that you continue to feel like you have some control over her, is questioning why she didn't feel she could be open with you about all this.

Airyfairy12 · 10-12-2020 01:32PM

DM_2092 wrote: »

This all just sounds like a teenager growing up to me. Is this your eldest child & your first time dealing with this?

I mean, even I brought a girl over when I was 17/18 and used my parents bed rather than my own when they were out of town - it was a double whereas mine was single.

I was drinking at 17 too. Seems most people do.

Sounds quite normal to be honest.

So normal, my mother was extremely controlling but even I was allowed have a boyfriend, my mother just put me on the pill.
At 17 I was drinking in pubs, the mother didnt mind as long as I went home when she called me to pick me up.
Also, kids want what theyre not allowed to have, make jelly beans over 18s and they will they go to the ends of the earth to get their hands on jelly beans.
The more restricted she is, the more mental she's going to go as soon as she's an adult out on her own and gets a bit of freedom.

Tork · 10-12-2020 03:27PM

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

The more restricted she is, the more mental she's going to go as soon as she's an adult out on her own and gets a bit of freedom.

This is exactly what happened to some people I knew at university (which many of us started aged 17). You should've seen what these people looked like at the end of 1st year, let alone what they got up to.

Princess Calla · 10-12-2020 03:33PM

Tork wrote: »

This is exactly what happened to some people I knew at university (which many of us started aged 17). You should've seen what these people looked like at the end of 1st year, let alone what they got up to.

Especially if they'd gone to a same sex school

Teach30 · 10-12-2020 05:22PM

eviltwin wrote: »

I've worked for an organisation that delivered talks to teenagers around sex and consent and the feedback from facilitators was that a lot of young people are sexually active. I personally took a lot of calls from parents of sexually active teens so its not unusual. When I was young, and I'm in my 40's now, we were all having some kind of sexual activity when we were teenagers. Its true of my daughters friends as well. And its not necessarily a bad thing.

You were judgemental, assuming a liberal sexual attitude has something to do with coming from a "disadvantage background" is pretty judgemental no? But given your views on relationships I take everything you post here with a pinch of salt. You don't represent a realistic view.

The only thing she shouldn't have done was use her parents bed but having sex at 17 isn't taboo and if she was sensible and responsible she should be commended for that. Too many young people are having sex without protection and without giving it much thought. A decent parent would grow up, see their daughter as the young adult she is and talk to her in a mature way.

Oh it’s definitely not unusual to be sexually active at that age but it’s not the norm by any means. Also suggesting it is can give males and females a pressure to conform. Just because you and your friends were having sex at that age doesn’t really matter. This girl was clearly stressed by the experience so much so she had to tell an adult, thankfully. She may be am having trouble dealing with the emotions afterwards and I’m glad she felt comfortable enough to speak out.

Also having taught in a wide variety of educational setting in my experience teens coming from disadvantaged, lower socio economic backgrounds are much more likely to have children at a much younger age and drop out of school. Are more likely to participate in crime and negative social behaviours compared to other educational setting I have been in. It’s not right but it’s reality. I’m not being at all judgemental, it’s been my own experience. But sure look seeing as you dislike my posts in general your bound to disagree with anything I say.

I’m glad this girl has a parent to confide in and I hope she manages to cope with the situation and is given the guidance she deserves rather than being told it’s ok because everyone is doing it.

Today I had to reprimand a 17year old for writing expletive language on a desk, you’d think at that age they would know better but sometimes they just haven’t the maturity levels you would expect of them.

Sardonicat · 10-12-2020 05:45PM

Teach30 wrote: »

Oh it’s definitely not unusual to be sexually active at that age but it’s not the norm by any means. Also suggesting it is can give males and females a pressure to conform. Just because you and your friends were having sex at that age doesn’t really matter. This girl was clearly stressed by the experience so much so she had to tell an adult, thankfully. She may be am having trouble dealing with the emotions afterwards and I’m glad she felt comfortable enough to speak out.

Also having taught in a wide variety of educational setting in my experience teens coming from disadvantaged, lower socio economic backgrounds are much more likely to have children at a much younger age and drop out of school. Are more likely to participate in crime and negative social behaviours compared to other educational setting I have been in. It’s not right but it’s reality. I’m not being at all judgemental, it’s been my own experience. But sure look seeing as you dislike my posts in general your bound to disagree with anything I say.

I’m glad this girl has a parent to confide in and I hope she manages to cope with the situation and is given the guidance she deserves rather than being told it’s ok because everyone is doing it.

Today I had to reprimand a 17year old for writing expletive language on a desk, you’d think at that age they would know better but sometimes they just haven’t the maturity levels you would expect of them.

It's not unusual at all. It is very much the norm. And this girl didn't confide in anyone, she got busted because her mother found cans in the bin and instead if opening up a dialogue with her to check in with her that it was a pleasurable, consensual experience she punished her.

I find it strange that someone who treats 17 year olds like little kids expects them to behave maturity. You cant have it both ways.

ted1 · 10-12-2020 06:14PM

Teach30 wrote: »

Oh it’s definitely not unusual to be sexually active at that age but it’s not the norm by any means. Also suggesting it is can give males and females a pressure to conform. Just because you and your friends were having sex at that age doesn’t really matter. This girl was clearly stressed by the experience so much so she had to tell an adult, thankfully. She may be am having trouble dealing with the emotions afterwards and I’m glad she felt comfortable enough to speak out.

Also having taught in a wide variety of educational setting in my experience teens coming from disadvantaged, lower socio economic backgrounds are much more likely to have children at a much younger age and drop out of school. Are more likely to participate in crime and negative social behaviours compared to other educational setting I have been in. It’s not right but it’s reality. I’m not being at all judgemental, it’s been my own experience. But sure look seeing as you dislike my posts in general your bound to disagree with anything I say.

I’m glad this girl has a parent to confide in and I hope she manages to cope with the situation and is given the guidance she deserves rather than being told it’s ok because everyone is doing it.

Today I had to reprimand a 17year old for writing expletive language on a desk, you’d think at that age they would know better but sometimes they just haven’t the maturity levels you would expect of them.

Where did you get the girls confided with anyone ?
Where do you get that she was clearly stressed?

It is ok for a 17 year old to have sex. It’s very normal

Teach30 · 10-12-2020 06:31PM

ted1 wrote: »

Where did you get the girls confided with anyone ?
Where do you get that she was clearly stressed?

It is ok for a 17 year old to have sex. It’s very normal

I know it’s ok never said it wasn’t, it’s also ok not to expect them.
In fairness I’ve interpreted the initial post quite differently it seems to you. The girl could totally have lied about the drink cans but instead opened up to what sounds like a strict enough parent. To me that comes across as a teen trying to process her actions and deal with the emotions that follow from such an experience.

To go telling you mother you had sex in her bed you’d want to be either really naive or really immature. She’s have gotten away with telling the lie. Sounds like a stressful situation to me...

Sardonicat · 10-12-2020 06:49PM

Teach30 wrote: »

I

To go telling you mother you had sex in her bed you’d want to be either really naive or really immature. She’s have gotten away with telling the lie. Sounds like a stressful situation to me...

Or really, really sick of and frustrated with being treated like a little girl and using the most shocking and hurtful thing she can think of to force her mother's eyes open

10-12-2020 06:56PM

When I was 16 I would have liked my mum to sit me down and actually explain what sex is and how to do so safe and all that jazz.
Unfortunately she is also emotionally immature so I didn't get what every tennage girl, or boy, needs : GUIDANCE. mother up and give her guidance, don't be the child in the scenario.
Needless to say if I got that guidance things would have been, easier for a time.

Also I'm a front line worker and you need to cop on if your swanning up and down the country ignoring the regulations.

B.A._Baracus · 10-12-2020 06:58PM

Op,
We all do stupid things when we are that age.
Am pretty sure she has hasn't been able to look you guys in the eye since, right?

Just give her a talk. Say don't do it again. Be careful meeting guys off the internet. She's not the only one who did something like that just you caught her out.

Calypso Realm · 10-12-2020 07:36PM

afkasurfjunkie wrote: »

Am I the only one who finds the parent’s bed issue a bit odd. What was wrong with her own room? I snuck a boyfriend in, years ago. No way would have we used my parents bed.
I think there was more than one couple using the house at the weekend and your daughter just gave you enough information to save telling the entire story.

Absolutely.

Furthermore, frankly I was amazed at the amount of information she divulged to the OP in the end, most of which was completely unnecessary in terms of merely explaining away the beer! Since she knew her mother nothing of the existence of a boyfriend in the first place-something else that's strange - the daughter could just as easily have gotten away with saying she had a few friends over one night, or a new boyfriend even! Not sure how it got to the point where the very sensitive sleeping arrangements came to light!

If that were me it would have been the last thing I'd want my mother to know! No way would I ever have divulged that piece of information, ever.

Princess Calla · 10-12-2020 07:55PM

Calypso Realm wrote: »

Absolutely.

Furthermore, frankly I was amazed at the amount of information she divulged to the OP in the end, most of which was completely unnecessary in terms of merely explaining away the beer! Since she knew her mother nothing of the existence of a boyfriend in the first place-something else that's strange - the daughter could just as easily have gotten away with saying she had a few friends over one night, or a new boyfriend even! Not sure how it got to the point where the very sensitive sleeping arrangements came to light!

If that were me it would have been the last thing I'd want my mother to know! No way would I ever have divulged that piece of information, ever.

To be honest, I'm not too sure this isn't a "wind up" thread.

When I read the OP first that was my gut feeling, but I replied giving it the benefit of the doubt.

From the op having absolutely no shame in breaking lockdown to the complete over share from the daughter.

Even if it is a "wind up" it maybe helping another reader who is navigating teenage years.

Big Bag of Chips · 10-12-2020 09:33PM

Princess Calla wrote: »

Even if it is a "wind up" it maybe helping another reader who is navigating teenage years.

Which was exactly the sentiments of the moderators when deciding whether or not to approve it.

Seeing as the OP hasn't returned for further comment, and plenty of advice and discussion is now available for the benefit of other posters I will go ahead and lock the thread.

Thanks all.

Daughter Invited Boy Over

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