My marriage is over but I can't walk away

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

Sorry about what youre going through.
Im going to be honest and this might come across a bit harsh but its not meant that way.

You refer to her as the 'perfect wife' because she does all the cleaning, washing, ironing & pays for everything. It sounds like she is only perfect because she does everything for you. It also sounds like you only value her based on what she can do for you. What is she getting out of this marriage? What do you offer to her? Would you love her and want to satisfy her sexually while you work hard, clean the house, cook all her meals, wash and iron her clothes & pay for everything for her? She sounds like a servant, not a wife. When she married you she no doubt assumed she was taking on an equal partner, not a man child that needs to have everything done for him and then complains that he wants more from her. Respect is give and take, it goes both ways. You cant treat someone like a doormat or like a mother and then expect them to desire you. That would cause resentment in any relationship.

Secondly do you have idea of what a womans body goes through during and after a pregnancy and giving birth? You dont just spring back after 6 weeks & you said she does all the childcare with night feeds and the baby taking up all her time, sex and pleasing you doesnt come into it. Did you ask her how she was feeling without making it all about you? Is she able to go to counselling?

What are you bringing to this relationship?

Ill be completely honest, you sound narcissistic and a complete nightmare to live with.

OP - You’re not a narcissist and you’re not a complete nightmare to live with. You’re a person with feelings and emotions who is struggling with the situation that you’re in.

Just as much as this poster is not a psychiatrist or a clinical physiologist.

Your feelings and emotions - however they may be caused by your actions (either in full or in part) - do not need to be medicalised, nor dismissed as a mental health problem.

People who have been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder are people too, who need clinical support by trained experts. Those people have friends and family who want them to get the help they need because they love them. So even if you do have this clinically diagnosed psychiatric disorder - it doesn’t mean that you be thrown on the junk heap and labelled as a nightmare.

qwerty13 wrote: »

I strongly disagree that his wife paying for everything and doing all of the housework is irrelevant. If their roles were split in terms of breadwinner and homemaker, then maybe. But it just sounds as though the OP contributes nothing: no money, no duties, no responsibility. What woman - or man - wants to end up with an adult child? That’s not a partnership, it’s a surrogate mammy. And that’s deeply unattractive.

However, I did wonder if there is a chicken and egg scenario: which came first, the OP’s ignoring of all adult responsibilities, or his wife’s lack of attraction to him. I just could not be sexually interested in a ‘partner’ who behaved like an overgrown child - but I wouldn’t have gone out with someone like that, let alone married them. And if the OP felt that his wife had no interest in him even before she discovered the man-child behaviour, why did she marry him?

Man-child behaviour; surrogate Mammy

Typical gendered language to undermine this persons feeling - a mans feeling.

Sure who else but a woman made this ‘man-child’. I’ve yet to come across a father who ‘Molly coddles’ his child. By your logic, his mother - and mothers like her - have a lot to answer for.

[Deleted User] wrote: »

If she’s spent this long denying it, even if she just can’t accept it

I don’t disagree - but that’s not what you said.

So is it your view that a ‘grown woman’ ‘can tell
’ that they’re gay, or that a ‘grown woman’ ‘just can’t accept it’.

It’s seem like you’ve contradicted yourself.

OP reminds me of my brother in law, a layabout that lets his wife handle everything and then throws a tantrum when he doesn't get his way.

Cannot imagine how any woman wouldn't be sexually attracted to somebody like this...

Op, When I read the following line from your post, it brought me back to my own horrible marriage (thankfully over now for years) and my awful ex-wife:
Its like kissing a snowman in the bed beside you.

God, being with her was profoundly soul-destroying, and I still (hard to believe, I know) have very bad nightmares 30 years later that I'm still married to her.

Nothing would change my ex-wife - no amount of love, appeasing, conversations, etc. She was a product of all the guilt the Church imposed on us about physical love, and an oppressive bitch of a mother.

Op, I honestly don't see your situation improving - ever. Get out now and make wise, sensible legal arrangements, and then thank yourself that you escaped.

Quote: ztoical
As others have said OP you've written a lot yet said very little. If your wife has issues with intimacy or showing affection it does not mean she must be gay. This forum is littered with relationships were one couple showed little interest in sex, doesn't mean its all gay people living a lie. People can have no interest in intimacy, be bad at showing affection and be straight.
Think that's sums it up pretty well!!

"She works hard and basically pays for everything. She basically gives me the freedom to do whatever I want. She washes my clothes and irons them. She cooks for me. She does all the cleaning. Not that I expect any of it. She just does it all because that's the sort of person she is. In many ways its the perfect relationship and she's the perfect wife."

Thats not perfect OP, it sounds down right depressing. No wonder she views you as a sulky child if she's doing everything and you are calling her perfect one moment and cold lesbian in the next. The relationship is not healthy for anyone and certainly not good long term for your child. You need to separate and come to a co-parenting arrangement.

I think this sums up your relationship. I have been in this kind of relationship where I did everything around the house, took care of 2 kids and worked on top and my husband didn't lift a finger. I started resenting him, I mentally switched off from the relationship. Theres only so much crap you can take and do...
Fast forward.. we are now divorced are both happy in new relationships, have a good relationship and as a result have 2 well adjusted kids.
My advice to you is make more of an effort. Show your wife you care by lightening her load. Take on some of the household duties, maybe have a date night once a week cook for her, run her a bubble bath, movie night... whatever. Actions speak loader than words. Step up to the plate...

Take responsibility. You married knowing what awaited. You had a child knowing what awaited. Why do you think your wife is gay? Perhaps she just isn’t very sexual or at least not with you. Don’t mean to be harsh saying that, a major turn off for anyone is having to tend to their partners every need like a child then expect to be sexually attracted to them. It doesn’t matter if they insist on doing everything, show some leadership qualities. Do your fair share. Also don’t expect sex, build up to it by doing things in small steps to improve intimacy. Run a bath, light a few candles put her favorite book in there with some wine and then leave. You seem very flippant about her doing everything. She might want to as to find escapism. You need to talk to her in a non confrontational way also. Take a step back explain yourself willing to take tiny steps to rebuild trust and intimacy in the marriage and show patience. You have to see you broke her trust on several occasions when she was in a vulnerable position both times. This is not to say she hasn’t got work to do too, she has, massive amounts. But maybe take the first step. If it fails and she won’t meet you half way then walk away. A child needs a good and safe environment to grow up in and what your describing now is not good for your daughter. Also cut out the dramatics.

Jesus my heart actually goes out to your wife here. The woman sounds like a walking saint to me. You’re so self absorbed that you wrote all that and didn’t even notice what she might be getting in return (ie nothing).
The lesbian thing sounds to me like a complete red herring- “how could she possibly resist me, she must be a lesbian”- get a grip ffs

Have you actually asked your wife if she is happy in the marriage or if she is gay?

I was with a previous partner for 7 years (we never married) and things weren't going well. I suspected she was gay and not happy in the relationship so I asked her. To her credit, she told the truth and said she had feelings for another woman. While it was tough at the time for me, we split up. She's now happily married to the woman she fancied while we were together and I'm happily married to someone else.

Sometimes splitting up is good for everyone.

That said, have you said the things to your wife that you said to us here? No point telling us if you don't tell her.