Off Topic Thread 5.0

Neil3030 wrote: »

Jaco, wtf is going on in No 10?

You're the only source I trust!

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Nation shocked to discover Downing Street full of childish arseholes who hate each other


The UK is reeling after finding out that people at the very heart of government have been behaving in an unpleasant manner.
Amid rumours of rising tensions in Boris Johnson’s team, it has been reported that a chant of ‘fight, fight, fight’ was heard from within Number 10 along with the sounds of some sort of scuffle.

Shortly afterwards Lee Cain, a leading adviser to Boris Johnson, announced his resignation.

“I was just packing up the camera,” said journalist Simon Williams who was outside Number 10 when the events took place.

“I heard someone shout ‘twat’ and then someone else shout ‘tosser.’ It was pretty clear that there were some hot tempers in Number 10.

“About a minute later, I heard a man shout ‘you stay out of it, you posh cow’ and then there was just this general shouting that sort of coalesced into a chant of ‘fight, fight, fight’.

“This went on for a minute or so and you could hear some grunting and the occasional cry of ‘bastard’ and ‘fat ****’.

“It finally stopped when a female voice screamed – ‘Leave it Lee, he’s not worth it. Just leave it’.

“Then everything fell quiet and I’ve since heard that Lee Cain had resigned. I’ve no idea if there was any connection or anything.”

It is understood that Dominic Cummings will not be resigning in support of his colleague Mr Cain, but he has issued a warning that ‘this ain’t over, and if anyone wants to start something then you know where I am. Twats.’In-fighting, backstabbing, self-interest, spite, vindictiveness… not behaviours one would ordinarily associate with a Conservative government.
However, it has now been revealed – via the sudden resignation of Director of Communications Lee Cain – that Number 10 is far from immune from the darker impulses of human nature.


“As far as the British public was concerned, Boris, Cummings and Cain were the best of friends,” said Political Analyst Simon Williams.
“A group of chums who enjoyed building treehouses, having a kickabout with jumpers for goalposts and letting their imaginations run wild by making up stories in order to convince people to Vote Leave.


“However, Carrie Symonds may now prove to be the Yoko Ono who broke up this particular band. She reacted to Boris’ suggestion that Cain should be promoted to Chief of Staff by stamping on the PM’s foot and shouting, ‘No! Not that silly poopy-head!’



“Keen to side with his girlfriend because she occasionally kisses him and stuff, Boris withdrew the offer.


“Cummings then responded by telling Boris – in no uncertain terms – that he was ‘not his best friend anymore’.


“Boris then called Cummings ‘ugly’ and informed him he had ‘smelly pants’.
“Cummings’ brilliant retort was, ‘I am rubber, you’re glue, your words bounce off me and stick to you’.


“Meanwhile, Cain had stormed out of Downing Street in tears having phoned his mum to come and pick him up.
“Fears that Cummings would soon follow suit seemed to be allayed when the PM offered him a reconciliatory pickled onion Monster Munch.
“However, there are obviously still a number of vitally important issues that need to be resolved behind that big black door. No doubt Boris will make them his top priority.”
In other less important news, another 500 people have died of Coronavirus.