Have you ever noticed a straight person freak out when they think you're gay?

LaAlgerie · 06-11-2020 08:35PM #1

This has kind of popped into my mind as I had someone deliver somehing this week, and it came a few days early. I chatted with the delivery guy for a few seconds, and I just noticed a point where his behaviour shifted, he went cold, avoided all eye contact and got out ASAP.

p.s. I was wearing clothes and not making blow job suggestions.

That reminds me of earlier in the year, a contractor came out to fix something. The pandemic had just begun and I chatted with him for a few minutes. All was fine. But then he asked about my line of work (at the time, something artsy) and I saw him go cold. Avoid eye contact, little response, just went cold. WTF? :eek:

I've seen stuff like this at work too. The obvious sneaky 'are you gay questions' without directly asking, like:

Do you play sports?

What do you drink when you go out?

Do you have a girlfriend?

(I remember a manager in a previous job, at a work outing, I decided to have a cocktail with some female colleagues, everyone was drinking btw, and his eyes were laser-focused on my drink. I just know that was the 'oh he's gay' moment. That pissed me off).

I REALLY don't think it's in my head. But I'm pretty sure, that with the couple of examples before, that's a point where the guys think 'oh I think this guy is gay' and freak out. I mean WTF?

Why is that even necessary? You would think I was in a dressing gown, wearing a ****ing thong and rubbing their shoulders. Hardly. Are these really just guys that have never met a gay person? Like we're only on TV?

To me it's hurtful. It's clear rejection - of acquaintance, not an invitation for sex.

Has this ever happened to you?

Meesared · 06-11-2020 11:37PM

Its homophobia long story short

Girly Gal · 07-11-2020 04:11PM

Have you ever thought that maybe some of these guys were secretly gay or bisexual, still in denial or in the closet and were worried that you had worked it out. Also they may not have even realised that you're gay, some people aren't that observant, especially the likes of a delivery guy or contractor who probably just want to come in, do the job and get out as fast as they can to get onto the next job, also regarding the contractor when you told him you were doing something artsy, he probably didn't know anything about it, some people are intimidated around people with an artsy background as they feel intellectually inferior to them, this might explain the sudden change in behaviour.
You may well be right that it was homophobic, but, there might be other reasons too.

AllForIt · 07-11-2020 05:22PM

I think you're making a bid deal about noting and I really don't buy that you're 'hurt'.

Tig98 · 07-11-2020 07:10PM

I see this as crying wolf to be honest. He was a stranger at the end of the day. And he didn't do anything untowards to you. He has no obligation to make small talk.

Someone might not support gay rights and thats fine, it doesn't automatically make them homophobic. A former boss of mine was staunchly Catholic, against gay marriage and against abortion. Went to mass multiple times a week and was a eucharistic minister and all. We were friendly and got on well but we both knew where not to bring the conversation.

People are entitled to their views, as long as they're being respectful about them. For all you know he was gay too and thought you were making unwelcome advances. More likely he just didnt know anything artsy to discuss with you. Best just move on from these things

CountNjord · 07-11-2020 07:21PM

Lol a guy from Irish water came to my house recently to check for leaks which I found the tap was leaking I need to get new taps, I had sachets of lube and condom's on my locker which was beside my ensuite bathroom.

Anyhow as he walked up the stairs in front of me I said I've the same pair of snickers work trousers as yourself, he laughed.

Into the room he went me behind him, and my locker with lube and condom's ha ha

Anyhow I said there's no need of taring the house down I'll show you the leak...

I'm still not sure whether he seen the lube and condom's and jockstrap on the floor

He seemed quite friendly but was delighted to find out that it's just a small general leak, out the door he went..

I don't know who was more embarrassed me or him, and my pair of snickers work wear was hanging off the Bannister.

Anyhow Op I think you're being a bit egotistical thinking that people are treating you different because you're gay, we're gone beyond that way of thinking it's 2020 and nobody cares...

Big rugged rural gay here

AllForIt · 08-11-2020 02:07PM

CountNjord wrote: »

Big rugged rural gay here

Yeah! Tell me more

Annasopra · 10-11-2020 08:15PM

AllForIt wrote: »

I really don't buy that you're 'hurt'.

Its the OPs feelings not yours though. Honestly its really rude to tell someone they cant possibly feel how they feel.

10-11-2020 08:27PM

LaAlgerie wrote: »

I remember a manager in a previous job, at a work outing, I decided to have a cocktail with some female colleagues, everyone was drinking btw, and his eyes were laser-focused on my drink. I just know that was the 'oh he's gay' moment. That pissed me off?

Ah come on. Most of your examples could be a million different things. Sometimes as soon as the banal pleasantries are over, people just want to move on with their day/work and not continue a pointless conversation, maybe they are busy

Or, perhaps simply colleagues making chit chat trying to get to know you

But a manager looking at your drink and he determined you are gay???? That is one massive leap.

Maybe they liked the look of the drink.

ongarboy · 10-11-2020 10:56PM

OP,

I think you're reading too much into people's reactions (or lack of reactions) and are possibly projecting past incidents of homophobic behavior onto anyone who you perceive as not being buddy buddy or reacting to a narrow window of expectations you seem to have. It's doing you no favours.

Your boss may have just been curious to see the colourful cocktail you were drinking and lingered on it a few seconds than he would on a boring pint of lager, yet in your mind, you read it that he was scoffing at your gayness.

Just because an acquaintance tradesman/delivery driver doesn't high five/natter/joke/yap away with you doesn't necessarily mean he was being homophobic. He could be shy/introverted/under pressure to finish the job quickly/mulling over a personal issue or an earlier irate customer etc etc. Yet again, you play the "gay card" without actual facts. Many people wouldn't even pick up that you are gay possibly or if so would be completely indifferent. How are you so sure he even knew or cared?

You're being disingenuous to the vast majority of straight people I think. I'm pretty sure many LGBT people would find your reactions and playing the "gay card" irritating too.

PS, No one in any of your examples "freaked out" per your thread title so it only reinforces the points I made above.

AllForIt · 13-11-2020 01:03AM

Joeytheparrot wrote: »

Its the OPs feelings not yours though. Honestly its really rude to tell someone they cant possibly feel how they feel.

First of all nobody 'freaked out' in any of the examples they gave and I'd sure he's presenting us with his best worst cases.

Secondly not in a single example is there any clear evidence of homophobia. The OP is assuming that's what was going on based on conjecture.

I thought the cocktail tale was particularly ridiculous. It's not the 1980's and how is having a cocktail a gay thing in the OP's mind anyway. That to me is 'internalised stereotyping".

But then he changes tack to office banter, clearly with a view to opening a discussion on I suppose "casual homophobia".

I personally can't give a single example of anything like the OP has described which indicates to me any reactions he's experienced are far more likely about him than casual homophobia. People more commonly react to personality and behaviour than anything else.

So, I don't see any reason for him to be 'hurt' and if he's genuinely hurt I recommend to get therapy instead of coming here to validate his suspicions. Not that anyone has I see.

wakka12 · 16-11-2020 12:37AM

Tig98 wrote: »

I see this as crying wolf to be honest. He was a stranger at the end of the day. And he didn't do anything untowards to you. He has no obligation to make small talk.

Someone might not support gay rights and thats fine, it doesn't automatically make them homophobic. A former boss of mine was staunchly Catholic, against gay marriage and against abortion. Went to mass multiple times a week and was a eucharistic minister and all. We were friendly and got on well but we both knew where not to bring the conversation.

People are entitled to their views, as long as they're being respectful about them. For all you know he was gay too and thought you were making unwelcome advances. More likely he just didnt know anything artsy to discuss with you. Best just move on from these things

You think that's fine? We all have those kind of relationships we have to put up with yes for the sake of peace, but it's not a real friendship is it really. How would you feel if you found out your very best friend held secretly held same views and thought you shouldnt be allowed have a kid or get married, they wouldn't hold that title in your life for obvious reasons, as beneath surface level pleasantries and 'niceness' and 'respectfulness' maintained to be civil they clearly think you're inferior to them in some way because of something harmless you can't change

MynamesColm · 16-11-2020 11:55PM

LaAlgerie wrote: »

I've seen stuff like this at work too. The obvious sneaky 'are you gay questions' without directly asking, like:

Do you play sports?

What do you drink when you go out?

Do you have a girlfriend?

I'm actually curious about these questions, I think I've been asked them on a number of occasions (No I don't currently play sports, but I have fenced in my past, gin and slimline tonic, no I don't have a girlfriend). I've never noticed any reaction to my answers! (except a bit of disbelief to the fencing).

Ten of Swords · 18-11-2020 07:00PM

Op has mentioned a specific point in the interaction where the guy's behavior and demeanor changed. Yes, the rest of the examples they provided were fairly trivial in the grand scheme of things but I think it is a legitimate concern that someone suddenly or abruptly shifts like that, it would make me wonder if I said or did anything anyway.

The change in attitude may have nothing to do with what op thinks it does, but to answer the question posed - yes, I have come across a change in behavior too, sometimes subtle and sometimes less so (but never a freak out!)

Girly Gal · 18-11-2020 09:59PM

Ten of Swords wrote: »

Op has mentioned a specific point in the interaction where the guy's behavior and demeanor changed. Yes, the rest of the examples they provided were fairly trivial in the grand scheme of things but I think it is a legitimate concern that someone suddenly or abruptly shifts like that, it would make me wonder if I said or did anything anyway.

The change in attitude may have nothing to do with what op thinks it does, but to answer the question posed - yes, I have come across a change in behavior too, sometimes subtle and sometimes less so (but never a freak out!)

I honestly think the op is reading too much into it, it's like they are specifically expecting or looking for homophobic behaviour. Sounds like the contractor and delivery guy were total strangers who once the initial small talk was over, didn't really have anything to say(which can happen when you meet a total stranger first), wanted to get on with the job and go to the next job, they would be under time pressure to meet deadlines, so wouldn't have time to stop and chat. I'd be fairly certain this happens to straight people too. Also, how did the delivery guy or contractor suddenly realise the op was gay leading to the change in behaviour?

Whatdoyoumean · 20-11-2020 12:48PM

In a work scenario I have had the subtle questions like ‘do you live by yourself’ or follow up questions when I use the term ‘partner’, I always get a sense people are trying to be polite and not come across as too intrusive.

I’ve always just been forthright and say ‘he’ and give my partners name (to avoid any reasonable doubt). Luckily I’ve never had an adverse reaction!

Have you ever noticed a straight person freak out when they think you're gay?

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