Sibling Abused by Ex Won't Seek Help

LegacyUser · 01-11-2020 05:42PM #1

A sibling of mine had a nasty split from their partner a year ago, and are currently in court sorting out custody of the children.
My sibling was being horribly abused for years by their ex, and they are now a shadow of their former self since the break up. Their ex is no longer hiding their true colours, and the ex has lashed out at everyone in the family.
It's heart breaking, the whole family feels helpless as my sibling refuses to seek any counselling or therapy to help them cope with what they went through and are still going through. They won't mention anything to their GP. They are keeping everything locked up tight inside. I can see that there's a lot of anger simmering just below the surface.
They have become very reclusive, and barely engage in conversation with the family member they are now living with. They were always a bit quiet and shy, but are now on a whole new level of silence. Even their solicitor has expressed concern to the family member they are livng with.
Is there anything a family can do when a loved one doesn't want to hear suggestions to talk to someone?
I feel so helpless. I can see that they are hurting, but they won't let anyone be there for them.
I don't know what to do, if there is even anything I can do.

Jequ0n · 02-11-2020 08:11AM

If they were already quiet and introverted before it tells you that they were just not talkers. You will actually make them withdraw more if you are/ keep pushing them to open up.(I don’t mean to imply that you are doing this, just saying)

Also, they are probably embarrassed that all is out in the open now and that everyone has found out how they “allowed someone to treat them”.
Hearing how the ongoing feud affects the rest of the family will fuel that shame as your sibling might feel responsible.

It could simply be the anger and rage that it carrying your sibling through this period, but trust that they will crack at some stage and that’s when you can get them to get help if you want to. Anger is an incredibly powerful energiser but might burn them out eventually.

So to sum up. Ease off the pressure, keep an eye on things and get them help when they are willing to take it. If they never want to it’s their own loss.

Xterminator · 02-11-2020 11:45AM

Hi Op

you are coming across as a little full on. It probably the frustration at not being able to take very direct action, im sure

My first piece of advice to you is not to criticise the ex in earshot of your sibling. You may well be very pissed off but it just doesn't help, and can backfire. Your sibling may want to vent and that's fine, just don't initiate criticism, or bring up their behaviour on front them.

My second piece of advice is that there is no universal schedule or formula for recovering. Even if you convinced your sibling to attend a counsellor, if they are not ready for that step, it will do no good, and possibly do more harm. Allow them the time and space they need, while letting them know you are there for them in any way they want. Don't be pushy and dont try to force things along.

Best of luck, and i think they are lucky that you care for them the way you do.

LegacyUser · 02-11-2020 08:22PM

Apologies, I didnt want to waffle on in my OP yesterday. But to clarify, I am by no means being full on, nor are any of the other family members. Apologies for the very long post...

My sibling lives a good distance away from me so I have barely seen them face to face this year. So I'm just worrying from afar.
My rare texts and calls usually go unanswered, and because I don't want to put any pressure on them, my texts to them have become even rarer.
With the restrictions it's difficult to be there for anyone that is struggling, so I've left it up to them to text or call when they want to, or need to.
Rest assured, my sibling wouldn't be afraid to tell anyone to back off if they felt anyone was being too much, and it hasn't come to that thankfully. Everyone is doing their best to keep the peace.
I do ask the family member they are living with how they are doing, and some days are better than others, but with the court case looming im just a few weeks, things aren't good.
What has everyone worried is they aren't talking to anybody, family or friend.

When I say they are quiet, they would have been chatty amongst those they are close to, and sadly this part of them has yet to reappear. Our family would all be considered quiet, but my sibling has become more and more withdrawn. We all hope that we'll see them be happy and light hearted sometime in the future, and we're all so grateful they are safe now.

I completely understand they are hurting very badly, and yes they have expressed that they feel shame over what happened. I once implored to them that they have no reason to feel shame, but I know my words probably don't mean much.

I don't mention the ex ever, the family agreed this when they broke up, everyone knows to tread very lightly around that subject.
Like any other person, it's hard to see a loved one suffering. No one wants to pressure them to do something when they aren't ready. It's just very hard to see them holding on so tight to the anger. Maybe it's how they process all of it? I don't know. I don't know how they can do this alone in silence, but maybe they need to for themselves?

I do know they need to do things at their own pace, and maybe they'll never decide to get professional help, it's not up to me, or the family, it never was.
It is a worry that they won't talk to anybody, friend or family. They're so very alone.
That's why I feel helpless, and my heart is broken.

My sibling knows that I am there for them, I would shield them again, no hesitation, just like I physically did a year ago when the ex showed everyone their true colours. Just I suppose they don't need me.

Thank you everyone for your replies, while it seems like my post is just one big ramble, your replies are helping me sort things out in my own head. I know that I and everyone else just needs to keep being patient, and gentle.
Yesterday I just felt maybe I was missing something, some magic wand to help my sibling, but there isn't a magical solution, except to say time is a healer.
Thank you again everyone.

Sibling Abused by Ex Won't Seek Help

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