Family in a very bad financial state everyone lost their jobs

pwurple · 27-10-2020 05:24AM

Hi OP. Mental health issues are hard going on families, I've seen it so often.

This may not suit you, but there was a neighbour here who was very similar to your dad. Very impatient, abusive, controlling. They effectively got an anxiety animal, a dog. Surprisingly it actually helped immensely. He was able to control the dog (IE train and give it commands), it didn't argue with him, there was no waiting, it always wanted to go for walks , improved his fitness. He would talk to the dog and it listened. The stress levels came way down, for everyone.

I'm not saying get the man a dog, in case he abused the animal.... but has he any interest in dogs, did he have one as a child? Could you borrow one to see his reaction?

Baby steps OP. It's hard to fix these things.

On the financial drains, can the cars be sold? Any other monthly payments that can be removed?

JustAThought · 31-10-2020 11:31AM

A dog is a huge financial and emotional undertaking - OP do not get your parents a dog - a dog is a decision not a gift and is a lifelong financial and logistical commitment and expense.

IMO the Best thing you can do is to step up and help your patents financially - not be the cause of a greater burden on them.

Renting- deposit, monthly rent, gas, electricity, broadband, food etc. At e200 a month you are laughing and barely covering what it costs to keep you fed/warm/lit - you are contributing barely your overhead costs to the family household. Don’t delude yourself about being able to save and afford to rent/live out if you are so removed from reality that you think e200 a month all inclusive for your struggling parents is a fair deal or that they are not greatly subsidising you quietly while going through financial and stress hell.

_Brian · 01-11-2020 07:59AM

To me it seems that while your father may have some anxiety issues he has serious anger issues and honestly you make him sound like a total arsehole.

Abandoning your mother while she’s shopping because he thinks it’s taking too long, that’s not anxiety, that’s obnoxious behaviour.

To me his behaviour needs addressing first. Anxiety can be managed, but being a total toolbag, that’s probably just his personality and I’d be laying down some expectations or he needs to be shown the road

2012paddy2012 · 01-11-2020 08:05AM

Smee_Again wrote: »

No need to include it at all though. Your age had no relevance to either thread, but if you do don’t be surprised when people point out the inconsistencies. It brings your bona fides into question.

Absolutely

2012paddy2012 · 01-11-2020 08:12AM

Daisy78 wrote: »

So has your father actually being diagnosed with anxiety or is this just him telling you he has it? Because to be honest he sounds like a complete waste of space who decided he wasn’t arsed about contributing to family life anymore, financially or otherwise. If he was feeling that bad he would be straight down to his gp to get it sorted. I don’t meant to offend but he sounds like a selfish git, who has decided to get everyone else to run around after him while he doesn’t lift a finger.

I agree 100 per cent. Not challenging him is allowing him to continue on. He sounds like a selfish bully immature, lazy. And a waste of space

Sell the sofa , pay bill or two and get an uncomfortable chair instead. Get him off his butt , get out and get exercise. Volunteer and be useful instead of useless.
Important he doesn’t continue on , as it will only get worse. You need to live your own life and be there if he genuinely decides to take positive action.

Bubblesxoxx · 01-11-2020 08:22PM

Daisy78 wrote: »

So has your father actually being diagnosed with anxiety or is this just him telling you he has it? Because to be honest he sounds like a complete waste of space who decided he wasn’t arsed about contributing to family life anymore, financially or otherwise. If he was feeling that bad he would be straight down to his gp to get it sorted. I don’t meant to offend but he sounds like a selfish git, who has decided to get everyone else to run around after him while he doesn’t lift a finger.

Don’t worry daisy you didn’t offend at all he has anxiety from his upbringing due to his parents splitting up along the lines of that. Yet when he gets his anxiety you can’t look at him without him arguing or starting fights he always has to have the last say in everything. He got a call for a job last night I asked him if he would take it and he said no Hes waiting for something better!!

I just walked away from him he is using this anxiety anxiety too much he needs to get a grip and get over it I think it’s more lazyness at this stage. He does nothing to help my mother he can’t even pour himself a drink without someone getting it for him I love him but he drives me mad. He needs to sort himself out he was doing hypnosis to help his anxiety but a fat lot of good that done he is still the same.

Bubblesxoxx · 01-11-2020 08:30PM

pwurple wrote: »

Hi OP. Mental health issues are hard going on families, I've seen it so often.

This may not suit you, but there was a neighbour here who was very similar to your dad. Very impatient, abusive, controlling. They effectively got an anxiety animal, a dog. Surprisingly it actually helped immensely. He was able to control the dog (IE train and give it commands), it didn't argue with him, there was no waiting, it always wanted to go for walks , improved his fitness. He would talk to the dog and it listened. The stress levels came way down, for everyone.

I'm not saying get the man a dog, in case he abused the animal.... but has he any interest in dogs, did he have one as a child? Could you borrow one to see his reaction?

Baby steps OP. It's hard to fix these things.

On the financial drains, can the cars be sold? Any other monthly payments that can be removed?

My dad refuses to sell his car and I need mine for when my job starts back fingers crossed plus I worked hard for my car and it’s my baby. I’ve 2 job interviews this week I’ll see how things go there. Yeah I think a dog is a good idea it could help him a lot and force him to get out of the house. He never had one as a child. He turned down a job opportunity the other day and I’m
So annoyed is he serious he knows he needs to work and told me he is waiting for something better surely anything more than 200 quid a week is better it was a full time job too!

Bubblesxoxx · 01-11-2020 08:35PM

_Brian wrote: »

To me it seems that while your father may have some anxiety issues he has serious anger issues and honestly you make him sound like a total arsehole.

Abandoning your mother while she’s shopping because he thinks it’s taking too long, that’s not anxiety, that’s obnoxious behaviour.

To me his behaviour needs addressing first. Anxiety can be managed, but being a total toolbag, that’s probably just his personality and I’d be laying down some expectations or he needs to be shown the road

He’s my dad and I love him but that’s how he carry’s on in the house. His ego and pride is on another level. If he is in a bad mood everyone will know about it. He sleeps on the sofa has some form of ocd with dropping and fiddling with stuff he walks around the house opens doors multiple times a day fidgets with the doors it’s like he’s restless constantly and can’t stay still. He only ever went to hypnosis he refuses to go back to the doctor and my mam only talks to me about him she doesn’t want to involve the rest of the family like aunts grandparents In case it gets out of hand. If he won’t help himself what more can I do.

Bubblesxoxx · 01-11-2020 08:44PM

JustAThought wrote: »

A dog is a huge financial and emotional undertaking - OP do not get your parents a dog - a dog is a decision not a gift and is a lifelong financial and logistical commitment and expense.

IMO the Best thing you can do is to step up and help your patents financially - not be the cause of a greater burden on them.

Renting- deposit, monthly rent, gas, electricity, broadband, food etc. At e200 a month you are laughing and barely covering what it costs to keep you fed/warm/lit - you are contributing barely your overhead costs to the family household. Don’t delude yourself about being able to save and afford to rent/live out if you are so removed from reality that you think e200 a month all inclusive for your struggling parents is a fair deal or that they are not greatly subsidising you quietly while going through financial and stress hell.

I wasn’t talking about renting on 200 quid a week I meant saving when I’m back working full time. I gave them most of my savings and my brother paid the mortgage for them loads of times. My dad has had numerous opportunities to work and jobs offered and has messed every one of them up.

Bubblesxoxx · 01-11-2020 08:51PM

Thank you to everyone who replied honestly sometimes it’s like banging your head off a wall talking to him when he is on one he won’t listen dismisses everything. He was a great father growing up just the past few years he’s gone into himself with this anxiety it’s taken over his life and he is doing nothing to help himself. Anytime I try and sit down and talk to him he tells me he doesn’t have any problems he will be back to work soon. He will never talk about it. He just uses it as an excuse to get out of everything. It’s really frustrating.

_Brian · 10-11-2020 09:19AM

Your dad needs some tough love.

Go to the doctor and seek help or hit the road jack.

He’s dragging the whole family down a dark hole in his refusal to seek help.

If he was at least making an effort to correct his behaviour I can see why it would be accepted. But he just wants to behave obnoxiously, not seek help AND have everyone tip toe around him and accept it. That’s not anywhere close to normal behaviour.

I say this as a father myself and someone who had to go and seek help, have the tough conversation with my GP abkut anxiety and depression.

Aloissus30 · 14-11-2020 08:07PM

nthclare wrote: »

It can't be done,I think the banks should write off a percentage of people's debts.

They don't even need to do that. They could put a stay on mortgage/debt payments while lockdown is in effect and add those months on at the end when things get back to normal.

pwurple · 17-11-2020 08:50AM

Bubblesxoxx wrote: »

My dad refuses to sell his car and I need mine for when my job starts back fingers crossed plus I worked hard for my car and it’s my baby. I’ve 2 job interviews this week I’ll see how things go there.

My car is my baby? Are you in a rural area? Do you have a bike, a leap card?

Here's the craic. Money is water in a sink. Your debts, your monthly payments are the drain. Your income was the tap and it's down to a drip. Plug the drain.

When you have debt, and you don't have work, you do whatever you can to get rid of your outgoings. You eat beans on toast, every day, and you sell everything you can.

Wanderer78 · 17-11-2020 08:56AM

pwurple wrote:

When you have debt, and you don't have work, you do whatever you can to get rid of your outgoings. You eat beans on toast, every day, and you sell everything you can.

People are nuts, so people should sacrifice their physical and mental well being, in order to prioritise their debt obligations?

Family in a very bad financial state everyone lost their jobs

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