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pgj2015 · 28-10-2020 08:20PM

newaccount2017 wrote: »

Longtime single person here heading towards 40. I can relate to everything that's been said so far. Found that friends started dropping off not when they got married but once they started having kids. Now if I want to meet friends, it's usually going to their house and being around loads of other couples. Which I dread. So I find myself avoid these meetups more and more and probably isolating myself further.

When friends or work colleagues ask questions like "Any plans for Christmas?" etc., they're just being polite and also fishing for a bit of info I guess on my relationship status. It's just natural to ask. But I notice they must feel pity for me in the way that they ask. Like I'm probably tragic.

Yes, I would like kids at some point and a relationship but I'm unsure if I could put up with someone 24/7. I usually feel worn out after spending time with people, even if it's with people who I like. So who knows what the future holds.

Id say you are imagining the bit in bold and if not, who cares what they think, what will they be at? hanging out with orlando bloom? white water rafting? or changing nappies or fighting with their other half more like.

I would be like you as in I dont think I could handle being with someone 24/7, if I do start a relationship with someone, it would work best if we live in our own separate houses.

Addle · 28-10-2020 09:00PM

There’s a lot to be said for acceptance, not resignation.
With age we learn not to care what others think, or what we think they think!
Might not interest you, but this is an interesting watch.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=lyZysfafOAs

LegacyUser · 29-10-2020 11:54AM

I'm in the same boat so to speak but I'm a gay woman so it's not a case of there's plenty of fish in the sea, it's more a case of there is plenty more fish in the kitchen sink as the pool is so small for finding anyone.

Before it was a matter that I didn't have good confidence and now it is a matter of the selection out there is poor in my opinion, and if I do see a profile of someone who looks after their appearance and is active and interesting they are too young for me. I am interested in people who like exercising whether it's even just walking and reading books.

I have joined groups as people have suggested and I did meet someone but I messed up and then circumstances conspired and I couldn't get a second chance.

I think Covid has magnified things because dealing with the dating apps is a head wreck, the constant goading notifications, 'someone likes you' according to the algorithm but you need to pay money, and when I did pay the money the algorithm had selected a surprising number of straight men (not trans but cis men) but men who were on the app falsely stating they were women looking for lesbians to fulfil a kink or fetish I guess. So it's been soul destroying.

I also find myself feeling sad at pride or when I'm around couples especially now that everyone can get married and people are planning futures, it's tough but the only advice is once this is over join groups and do some self examining to see if there is anything about your attitude that can be adjusted. I feel more relaxed now but well Covid, yeah.

Emme · 29-10-2020 01:49PM

bertiebomber wrote: »

Well if it was me i would prefer to have celtic genes in my child!!

Do a 23&me and you might find some Viking DNA in yourself. They came here sometime around 700 and by all accounts sorted out a few single but very eligible Irish women who couldn't find an Irish man willing to settle down. The rape, pillage and plunder story was spread by jealous Irish men who realised too late that they were caught napping by the Vikings! There's Viking DNA in a lot of Irish people.

Seriously the OP wants to have a partner like hundreds of other women like her. Children are lovely but it's nice to have someone to help you raise them.

OP the dating scene seems to be grimmer than it ever was. Pre-Tinder online dating was full of married men and messers who would pop up on the sites year after year. Meeting men face to face in bars wasn't much different, I had to give a few seemingly nice men the boot once I sussed that they were already attached.

In Ireland there are an awful lot of women who have "everything" single and an awful lot of single men who don't want to commit to a relationship no matter how great the woman.

I can't advise you on meeting someone because I'm single myself. I'm older than you and went through exactly what you're describing. All I can say is that when you get to a certain age it gets easier to be alone. If we weren't in the middle of 1984 Covid-19 lockdown I would advise you to join meetup groups. Not to meet a man but to broaden your circle of friends and maybe find new hobbies. Work on your social circle so that meeting a man is no longer a priority but a bonus.

mud · 29-10-2020 10:18PM

I'm long-term single as well OP. I have some lovely friends and all that but around 10 years ago I split with someone who I went on to find out was just awful as things came to light after the break up.

I then made a really terribly awful mistake and had a sexual encounter with someone who I so shouldn't have and it just ate away at me that I was so willing to do something so catastrophically wrong that it turned me off pursuing anything with anyone ever since.

I'm good craic, love comedy, I'm well educated, full-time career etc. but I really doubt that a serious relationship is for me. I can't see myself getting close with anyone in that way but the good news is that I am fulfilled with friends and my life so it seems to matter less and less as the years go on. I'm 41 and female.

DoozerT6 · 31-10-2020 08:36PM

Guest 20202 wrote: »

I feel like life is passing me by..... Any walk I went on during the last lockdown- I did alone. Any walk that I want to go on during this next lockdown - I'll be doing alone. I wake up every morning alone. I go sleep every night alone. I eat most of my meals alone. I flick through Netflix alone. There is no physical intimacy in my life whatsoever and that makes me so sad. There are no lazy weekends spent in bed, having sex, chatting, having fun.

This bit sums it up for me too. And also, as a woman when you get into your thirties and older like me, if you don't have a family of your own, you have increasingly less and less in common with other women your age. Unless you know them a long time and have other things in common, conversation tends to become superficial. I have worked at my job for many years, but I'm still kind of on the outskirts of the group - included, but not integral. All of the other women there are married with kids. They have so much more to bond over and personal things in common to talk about.

While suggestions like getting a dog and volunteering are important and to be encouraged, things like that do not replace intimacy, love, sex, feeling desired and feeling like someone is fully on your side and 'chose' you to start a partnership/family unit with.

bertiebomber · 01-11-2020 11:38AM

when you reach menopause & if you go through it naturally with out HRT just good food & exercise you will suddenly lose the need for sex and intimacy. its the reward of life whereas men continue gagging for it till they die and they are obsessed by it and are more miserable than women ever are . When the sex drive goes its even better . So theres a little light at the end f the tunnel, read The Selfish Gene - the need for sex is for re production not love increasing the species and to be honest the scientist need to start turning it off as the planet is over loaded......

Segotias · 01-11-2020 11:50AM

I'd be similar to yourself OP, 43 long term single, at this point cant't have children due to medication which has put me through early menopause. Inspite of what was posted about menopause I haven't lost the need for sex or intimacy, if anything I want it more knowing that I'll be alone otherwise.

I know the inability to have children will put off some men but there's nothing I can do about that.

I'm sticking with working on me to be the best version of myself for myself, if I can be happy and content in my own life that will be enough.

I hope you are able to find some happiness in what you have OP

LegacyUser · 01-11-2020 09:02PM

Hi again everyone,

OP here. I just want to say thank-you so much to everyone who has responded. Your kindness and empathy is greatly appreciated and it has really helped me. Its nice to know there are so many kind strangers out there. :-)

I am feeling much better since the time I last posted. I think when I wrote the original post, it was just one of those days when everything was getting on top of me. Plus it was the day when the 6 week lockdown was announced which just seemed like the proverbial straw which broke my back!

There have been plenty of things in my life which I set myself the goal of achieving and more often than note, I have gotten what I wanted. Sometimes this was down to luck but more often it was through hard work, determination and resilience. It just frustrates me that this is one area of my life that I can't seem to get a grip on.

bitofabind wrote: »

I was dating with a "please let this person like me/be the right person for me" mentality, rather than what I have now which is a general liking and respect for myself and my single life. And "let's see what this guy is like."

Thank you so much your post. This bit really stood for me and I can totally relate to this. "Please let this person like me" is a fairly common mantra which I would use when I like someone. And I can see how what you are suggesting is a much healthier mindset. I'm just unsure how I would go about trying to change my mindset and truly believe that.

I see you stated in your post that you went to therapy how help you deal with things. This is something I am open to however I just wouldn't know what to even say to a therapist what it is exactly I need help with.

jelly&icecream wrote: »

Would you consider going the sperm donor route and try to have a child alone? Do you have a supportive family?

To be honest, no I don't think this is something I would do. Yes I would love to have children but having them isn't an end goal in itself for me. Children aren't the reason I am looking for a partner. At this point, I think I would rather a partner and no children than children and no partner.

pgj2015 wrote: »

I cant relate op, im single and love it this way. if i do start a relationship with someone and it doesnt work out, so what, i will just start another one without having to get separated, divorced etc..

I get what you are saying but my point is I can't seem to be able to "just start another one." That's my problem and the part that I am finding difficult.

DoozerT6 wrote: »

While suggestions like getting a dog and volunteering are important and to be encouraged, things like that do not replace intimacy, love, sex, feeling desired and feeling like someone is fully on your side and 'chose' you to start a partnership/family unit with.

I can fully relate to this. I have a pet which I love dearly but he does not replace the want I have for an intimate partner.

Thanks again everyone for your replies. I will try to remain hopeful and open and hopefully I will meet someone special soon.

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