Another single thread

LegacyUser

I know people write these sort of posts on a regular basis and the situation with Covid isnt helping things. I just feel so frustrated with life right now.

Im just so lonely and truly sick of being single. I'm 37, female and bar one 4 year relationship in my late 20s, I have been single my whole life. I have a good job and good friends and family but none of this fills the void that exists from not having an intimate and romantic partner.

I look around and it seems like other people have had no problem finding a partner. I can't shake the feeling that there is something wrong with me.  Am I too fussy? Are my standards too high? Am I ugly? Have I got a sh*t personality? Am I zero craic?

I dont have problems being by myself. In fact I quiet enjoy it for the most part. I live alone and I have a fairly introverted personality. But this doesnt mean I dont get lonely.

I have tried all the dating apps and I have gone on lots of dates. It just seems that anyone I'm interested in, doesn't have an interest in me. And anyone who is interested in me, I generally dont feel attracted to them in a romantic way. Even with some of these men, I've given it time and tried to see if some of these feelings would grow over time. However in these instances, Ive found myself sort of forcing myself to feel feelings which arent there. Invariably,  this just leads to me feeling crap about myself and also isnt fair on the men.

I suppose these frustrations have come to a head as I recently went on a date with a man. When we met, I felt there was chemistry and was very attracted to him. And it seemed like he liked me too. The date went well and there were lots of signs he was into it. He even sat there discussing with me when and how we could meet up again. I left that date feeling great only to check tinder 2 days later to see he had deleted me. I sent him a text message just asking why he had done that and saying that I'd enjoyed myself on the date and asking him if he had felt differently (maybe that was a bit brazen but i just feel too jaded from it all be sitting at home wondering if he is going to text. Id rather just be upfront and honest at this stage.) Anyway he replied saying he had a good time but didnt want anything serious at then moment. I feel so low now. Logically I know that it is no reflection on me and hes entitled to want what he wants. But still. It sucks. Its like the 1st person in a long time that I fancy has just blanked me.

I feel like life is passing me by. I have nobody to share any enjoyments with. Last year I took the plunge and went on a few weekends away by myself. I enjoyed seeing the new places and the change in scenery was nice but I was bored for parts of the trips. There was noone to chat with over dinner or a drink. Any walk I went on during the last lockdown- I did alone. Any walk that I want to go on during this next lockdown - I'll be doing alone. I wake up every morning alone. I go sleep every night alone. I eat most of my meals alone. I flick through Netflix alone. There is no physical intimacy in my life whatsoever and that makes me so sad. There are no lazy weekends spent in bed, having sex, chatting, having fun.

Also, it also plays on my mind that if I'm going to have children, I'm approaching the end of my ability to do this. If youd asked me about kids 10 years, I would have said 110% I want them. But as time slips by, I can feel that dream getting further and further away and I've nearly started preparing myself not having them is a very strong possibility. That's makes me sad but I also feel I'm setting myself to not be disappointed if it doesnt happen.

I'm not sure what the purpose of this post even is. I feel better having written it down though. I feel a bit stupid as well to be honest. That text from that guy has really sent me into a spiral it seems. Which I know is ridiculous at the age of 37. The impact of covid and new lockdown is probably affecting my mood as well.

bitofabind

I'm sorry you're feeling so down and bad about this. Everything is so hard now with the lockdown news and being single this year has become another level of complicated.

What I can tell you is that you're not "too" much of anything or "not enough." Being single doesn't mean a single thing about your self worth or who you are or what you're offering. Living in scarcity mode like this doesn't just impact on your mental health, self-esteem etc but it affects how you carry yourself in the world. It affects who you draw into your life and how others will treat you. Blame, shame, perceived lack, "what's wrong with me" only leads to more of the same. It's a totally counterproductive way to exist in the world. Working to change this self perception will change everything.

I've been single most of my life too. Two longterm relationships, the most recent of which threw me into a spiral of all of these negative emotions. I went into every dating scenario with a level of intensity I only recognise now, a few years into therapy and looking at things differently. I brought two things with me that were counter-productive, 1. how this person responds to me is vital to my validation that I am enough / worthy, because I can't give that to myself; and 2. red flags are irrelevant / overseen because I fancy this guy and my need to meet someone is intolerable. It led to situations like the guy you recently met, where I internalised their lack of interest or lashed out and was in a perpetual pattern of heartache and pain from dating guys that were never right for me in the first place. I was dating with a "please let this person like me/be the right person for me" mentality, rather than what I have now which is a general liking and respect for myself and my single life. And "let's see what this guy is like."

I met someone great recently who appreciates me, sees me and is committed to me. It's early doors and it feels completely different to dating in scarcity mode where everything is hard and dramatic and painful because I couldn't see the wood for the trees. And more importantly, I'll be fine if it works out and fine if it doesn't. Because I no longer look externally for what I can give to myself, which is compassion, understanding and unconditional acceptance. The net result of this is I'm drawing a different type of person in, because I've no time for the red flag guys anymore.

Does any of this resonate? I read your post and felt a lot of pain. A lot of "this is my fault" and "if I was X Y Z" and "it's so easy for everyone else." Blame, shame, comparison. Yes, some people meet their partners young, easily, does that guarantee a life of happiness? Absolutely not. They might look at you with your great job, house, all that free time to invest in yourself etc. Comparison is the thief of joy and we never have the full picture. What can you do today to begin the journey of feeling better about yourself?

bertiebomber

I read your post and it could be the post of loads of women, you are thinking too much about this issue in your life. All the time you are walking alone and spending time alone you could be caring for someone else or thinking abut someone else. You actually need something to care about and even though i will be attacked for this a rescue dog would give you soo much and then you would probably lose the self doubt and the real you would come out and who knows. A creature who needs love and care and walks and who will snuggle up on your couch will take away this emptiness in your life thats if you are a person who likes animals and has empathy for them.

Otherwise do something out side your self like joining a group who visit the elderly. Doing something outside your bubble of self might trigger a different attitude. A lot of women today and i blame social media spend hours thinking about themselves whereas women in the past were never like this they thought about everyone else and maybe you need to do this too.

I have friends who are in the exact same space as you and modern living is really to blame if you need to blame something. But ultimately the obsessive bubble of self is stealing our potential move out of the bubble - men look for women with substance, with individual thoughts and kindness nurture some of this and you will thrive. P.S get off tinder its the most destructive tool in the world guaranteed to kill your self esteem. Stop looking for a man its smells of desperation and you are not able to read the signs when you are desperate. Hope my words have some meaning for you , i am a woman too .

LilacNails

Hey op. Just wanna same I'm in the same boat as u. It's so crap isn't it. I feel as though I'm almost forgotten about. It feels like everyone else is coupled up or married with kids. And that I must be boring or give off a "stay away from me" Vibe. I probably do.

Ur not alone.

santana75

I know one thing for sure, that what you focus on will grow. I know single people who think about this, talk about this, blog about this, vlog about this and in general spend quite a lot of their physical, mental and emotional energy on this subject. The result is that it gets bigger and bigger in their lives, its like something they drag around with them perpetually. You have to focus your mind and your energy elsewhere, let it go. Dont be one of those people who will only stop fixating on this when they get into a relationship, let go of it now, everything in your life will improve if you do. You need to find a purpose in life, something that consumes your energies so that you dont even think about what you believe is deficient. If you dont know what that purpose is, you have to look for it. Keep looking until you find it. And you will if you dont give up. Life will take care of everything else. I know you might not believe that from the perspective you have right now but I promise that if you stop focusing on this and instead use all that energy to pursue a purpose in life, things will work out in your favor. You'll meet people you could never have imagined you'd meet and who knows where it will take you.

jelly&icecream

Would you consider going the sperm donor route and try to have a child alone? Do you have a supportive family?

bertiebomber

jelly&icecream wrote: »

Would you consider going the sperm donor route and try to have a child alone? Do you have a supportive family?

the women is depressed about being alone and you think having a child by a sperm donor wont make her feel even more isolated?? New mothers can be the unhappiest people in the world she doesn't need that . That's not a very constructive suggestion at all rethink that one.....a sperm donor usually from Scandinavia according to reports FFS the girl want a virtual hug not a nightmare !!

Pinoy adventure

Well married life is not a bed of roses either.working all hours god sends too pay the bills ain't no fun.
Maybe expand your circle of friends or do sumthing totally different too meet new people.

LegacyUser

Hi OP- I can empathise with a lot of what you're saying. I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so down and fed up about this issue. I think it's especially hard in lockdown. For the first time ever I am actually glad to be living at home at the moment, despite trying to get on the property ladder- living at home alone and WFH would get to anyone (not sure if you're WFH, but it's hard in general to live alone right now I think).

I think people can overthink this issue. I'm 33, female and have been single for over 5 years now. I think it's as simple as, I haven't met anyone I've liked enough to want to pursue a serious relationship with. That's it. That's all there is to it. It is no reflection on me as a person, no reflection of my worth. Occasionally, like yourself, I've met someone there was a spark with and they've made their excuses after a date I thought went well. It happens. Allow yourself to feel a bit miffed about it for maybe a day, and then make yourself move on.

I do think if a relationship is what someone wants, they have to put effort into making it happen, but there's also only so much you can do. I'd like to aim for going on a date once every 3/4 weeks, I'd be happy with that. I do also get a little down about it sometimes, but more from a place of "this is something I would like and it's just not happening" rather than, "I have failed at this"- because you haven't! The people who fall madly in love with their ideal partner are incredibly lucky. In my experience, life is a lot more complicated.

Until I meet a man I enjoy spending time with as much as my very best friends, what's the point in stressing? I do agree there can be slow burn romances too, and it's good that you tried that a few times, but again, it's not a reflection on you that it just didn't click.

Sorry if I'm rambling now, I just hate that this is something women feel such stress and pressure over. We're made feel since we are little girls that you grow up, get married and have kids- that's what life is. I've only ever had one or two people in my life who've put pressure on me to settle down and it used to bother me, but now I look at their attitude as a reflection of their own beliefs and values that have been ingrained in them, not as a reflection of me. They are projecting onto me what they believe makes a person happy- and often, it doesn't.

The gist of what I'm saying is- keep doing what you're doing, and try to find a way to make peace with your life as it is, without looking ahead to the next 10/20/30 years. Easier said than done I know. And if children are really important to you, maybe do look into making it happen alone? I know a woman who did this recently at 45, and she's as happy as she's ever been. It doesn't have to be as scary as it sounds.

jelly&icecream

bertiebomber wrote: »

the women is depressed about being alone and you think having a child by a sperm donor wont make her feel even more isolated?? New mothers can be the unhappiest people in the world she doesn't need that . That's not a very constructive suggestion at all rethink that one.....a sperm donor usually from Scandinavia according to reports FFS the girl want a virtual hug not a nightmare !!

She stated she's always wanted children... And that her window is running out. I'm just throwing it out there as a suggestion. May or may not be for her but something she should consider or investigate if it's of interest surely depending on her situation and feelings on the topic? Are scandinavian sperms especially nightmarish?!

bertiebomber

jelly&icecream wrote: »

She stated she's always wanted children... And that her window is running out. I'm just throwing it out there as a suggestion. May or may not be for her but something she should consider or investigate if it's of interest surely depending on her situation and feelings on the topic? Are scandinavian sperms especially nightmarish?!

Well if it was me i would prefer to have celtic genes in my child!!

lainey_d_123

I'm 35 and single and identify with a lot of what you've posted. I have gotten past a lot of the 'what's wrong with me?' stuff recently, and that's helped a lot. I've realised there's nothing at all wrong with me. I simply haven't met the right person yet, and maybe never will. That doesn't make me broken or defective. In fact, I'm starting to realise that it's not that other people are better or more attractive, but a lot of them are just willing to put up with a hell of a lot more sh*t than I am and stay in relationships I would have run a mile from.

I've been having proper conversations with people since lockdown started. People I would have only previously had small talk with - work colleagues, friends who hadn't been close before this. And it's been totally eye opening to see the reality of most people's relationships. Many of these people are downright miserable. You see pictures on social media and feel so jealous, but the reality is often totally different. There's one girl at work I was really envious of, she's been married a good few years, lives in a beautiful home in the countryside, goes on glamorous holidays with her rich banker husband...turns out she's really unhappy with him, they actually split up for 9 months last year (nobody at work knew) and she was seeing someone else, they got back together but she feels so lonely and they barely talk, she has a serious illness and he's not supportive and refuses to even talk about it. I never would have guessed. And there are other cases like this. Some people I've been chatting to are genuinely very happy with their partners, but I'd say they're in the minority.

I know it's so hard not to compare your life to other people's and think they're so much better off, but honestly, they're often not. It's just such a waste of time and energy to be thinking and obsessing like that - I'd know because I've been there. What's helped me is focusing on things day by day. There's no point in worrying about when or if I'll meet someone because we're in a pandemic and I don't know when I'll be alright to date again, so I'm choosing to just focus on myself and do things I enjoy. I've just had a lovely cosy day working from home with loads of tea and biscuits and a blanket, I've cooked myself a lovely dinner and had it with a glass of my favourite wine, I'm about to watch a film on Netflix and then I'll read more of my book in bed with hot chocolate and relaxing music on. Yes, it's a bit lonely and I'd love to meet someone compatible, but I'd much rather have this than having endless arguments with a partner or having to deal with a crying newborn with a husband who won't lift a finger to help. I've started to really just enjoy the fact that I can do whatever I want, whenever I feel like it without answering to anyone and that's pretty special in my book.

Airyfairy12

You were so right to text him and find out why he deleted you, good on you. If more people were as upfront maybe those types who have no respect wouldnt be so quick to ghost others without a second thought! I definitely think that getting older brings about a certain level of confidence and with that comes the ability to unashamedly say what you want, call people out and express your feelings! That in itself is so attractive, mature and a great quality to have.

That said I think you are idealising relationships, lots of people are happy in their relationships but id take a bet that most people really arent, you dont get to see what goes on behind closed doors. My aunties husband cheats on her all the time, from the outside they look like a happy, strong middle aged couple. A woman I know who owns a business in the town with her husband, has 3 small children, is sleeping with a married man she employs from time to time, infact shes had a string of affairs. She regularly posts happy statuses about her husband and photos of their wedding day 'The best day of her life' apparently.
My best friend has been with her partner for 15 years, on social media they look so inlove. Behind closed doors she cheats on him constantly, we went out before lockdown, she disappeared for half an hour on the night out, she was having sex with a strange married man in a disability toilet that she had just met in the smoking area. She spends all her partners money and when her and her partner drink together they physically fight.
I know divorcees that married their second partner in their 60's, people who married in their 20's and 30's who've divorced a few years later. An acquaintance met her fiance a year ago at 38 and where meant to get married this year.
You dont know what way your life is going to go and to be very honest, relationships are over rated. Ive had quite a few relationships and I can honestly say ive been happier and felt more at peace while single that in a relationship.

Gekko

Can sympathise with the OP’s post from my perspective as a guy almost 40 who finds singledom and the whole dating experience increasingly hopeless and soul destroying

fran38

Yup, what you wrote OP has me going "Me me and me". Early 50s and the road ahead is looking stark in terms of meeting someone to settle down with. Its not just you women that get anxious over this. Im at my wits end. I thought i found someone but that ended up like an episode of 'The Twilight Zone'. You can read it on Relationship issues "how do i process this" or something, i forget the exact thread title.
I have no words of comfort for you, coz if i hsd id be using them on myself lol.
God bless and stay safe.

bertiebomber

There was a time when women settled for the man up the road but just like chocolate bars we have to much choice these days and no one is good enough anymore. He must be beefed up handsome blah blah blah. In my time men who didnt necessarily like women settled down and had families and life went on children were born and no one was any the wiser to the unhappiness of the women or the men.

In modern society these latent men dont need to marry anymore they can be themselves so the pond of men has reduced considerably therefore less available men and the modern man is not like our fathers he is too busy moisturizing his face to learn how to do the house hold repairs. So not only are there less men those left are not great either. So do stop worrying about being alone its ok you just need to realise why? ( less suitable men ) and live with it, once you realize this its like drowning peaceful once you give up the struggle. A woman on her own is a powerful source and can learn to all she needs to do to survive so keep the faith and learn to love being who you are, a full person not half of a couple.

Pigsaw

Something has gone terribly wrong with the western world as so many people are single and childless.

I'm male and in my 30s and single. The future looks bleak for me.

Sorry op I have no advice or comfort to give.

Thelonious Monk

Pigsaw wrote: »

Something has gone terribly wrong with the western world as so many people are single and childless.

I'm male and in my 30s and single. The future looks bleak for me.

Sorry op I have no advice or comfort to give.

Yes, we should go back to the days where people married and had children at a young age with the first person they met, because that always ended happily ever after.
What's so bleak about it anyway? You can wallow in the fact that you're single or you can try to enjoy your life. Once the sheen of a new relationship wears off it's tough enough going sometimes to keep things on track anyway, and most coupled up people long for the days when the world was your oyster and you could do whatever you wanted without considering someone else.
With your attitude you'll be single for a long time.

Pigsaw

Thelonious Monk wrote: »

Yes, we should go back to the days where people married and had children at a young age with the first person they met, because that always ended happily ever after.
What's so bleak about it anyway? You can wallow in the fact that you're single or you can try to enjoy your life. Once the sheen of a new relationship wears off it's tough enough going sometimes to keep things on track anyway, and most coupled up people long for the days when the world was your oyster and you could do whatever you wanted without considering someone else.
With your attitude you'll be single for a long time.

What so bad about being alone and having no love, no intimacy, no companionship, no marriage, no children?

But hey at least we're not like the stupid old peope in the past amirite?

Also, how on earth do you know 'most' coupled up people yearn to be single? Sounds like you're trying to cope with your own singledom.

Pauliedragon

I feel what your saying OP. Im in my 40s and seperated about 4 years ago. You'll get through it believe me. Stay strong.

Blush_01

Similar age profile OP, but I can't offer any pearls of wisdom I'm afraid. I've turned my life on its head in the past two months, and I'm actually so happy I only have myself to consider.

There have always been single people in society of every age, and while it's not the OP I'm addressing here, it's some of the many respondents she's got, there is nothing wrong with being single for your lifetime if that's what you want. It's not being picky, or wanting something you're not entitled to. We all have the right to love who we want to, and intimating that there's a flaw in a single person that keeps them single is ridiculous. There are people you're compatible with and people you're not, for a vast and complex range of reasons. If you're going to debate the merits of why single people are single, you'll be dead before you finish.

bertiebomber

Correct being single is no longer a stigma but you do still have to be brave to admit you are single and its a great life to the relationship nazis who try to make you feel like a leper.

lainey_d_123

bertiebomber wrote: »

Correct being single is no longer a stigma but you do still have to be brave to admit you are single and its a great life to the relationship nazis who try to make you feel like a leper.

I really don't think you do. Being single is totally normal. If someone tries to make you feel like a leper just because you don't have a romantic partner, they are the one with issues.

Wanderer78

lainey_d_123 wrote:

I really don't think you do. Being single is totally normal. If someone tries to make you feel like a leper just because you don't have a romantic partner, they are the one with issues.

That's actually easier said than done, you'd be surprised how negative it's seen in society

lainey_d_123

Wanderer78 wrote: »

That's actually easier said than done, you'd be surprised how negative it's seen in society

I mean, I'm single, so I would know. I think anyone who thinks I'm lesser because I don't have a partner is an absolute narrow minded sap, and I don't care about their opinion. It's a good way of filtering people, even. I don't want to be around people like that.

pgj2015

I cant relate op, im single and love it this way. to me it seems like the best way to live. in the job I do I meet a lot of women and date them the odd time, havent met anyone that i would settle down with. I 100% never want kids. if i do start a relationship with someone and it doesnt work out, so what, i will just start another one without having to get separated, divorced etc. pros of being single, no fights, no going to their friends boring weddings or parties, no freedom to up sticks and move country, more money, more free time to spend on hobbies, nights out where you never know who you might meet, the list is endless.

Mad_maxx

OP , my sister was thirty six before she met her fiance , she earns over 100 k per annum and lives in dublin 4

some people are simply less lucky , its just logical that not everyone will meet someone quick

dont be hard on yourself about it

ILoveYourVibes

Pigsaw wrote: »

What so bad about being alone and having no love, no intimacy, no companionship, no marriage, no children?

I don't mean to be harsh. But something being harsh doesn't mean it will change.

OP I think you have to accept its ok to be alone.

I mean even if you DONT feel ok about it.

There is no guarantee you will find someone. So i think you have to make the best life you can for yourself single. And adapt emotionally to that.

I am not saying it WONT happen for you. But it might not.

You can't control that.

You have to get yourself into a situation where you are happy alone because there are no certainties.

I am not advising you to be happy with being single.

I am advising you to be mentally tough and positive so you can deal with your situation. Being happy about it will probably be a by product of that though.

And OP it sounds like someone would be lucky to have you! I mean you sound SO much more interesting than me!

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
I read your post and it is honestly just like reading about myself. Except I'm a year older, and I've never had a relationship. So I have even more of those feelings of shame and sadness. I work from home and live alone, so I've found this year tough, the limited face to face interaction. I really crave some affection also. Its hard after all these years. Just so you know you aren't alone.

I think there were a couple of good posts in response.
I've been in a vicious circle of negativity and sadness and shame for a long while now, and I'm only starting to realise that my feelings about myself, ie my self esteem, confidence etc are the big problem.
These things can radiate and off course I'm not going to draw in the right people.
I know it's hard to keep the chin up, but I do think it's the only way.
Like others have said, find a purpose, work on yourself, be nice to yourself, and just try to change how you feel about yourself, your status, and your future. After that it really is up to the gods. Hopefully it'll just be a case of finding Mr Right then.
Best of luck.

Jenna James

Guest 20202 wrote: »

I know people write these sort of posts on a regular basis and the situation with Covid isnt helping things. I just feel so frustrated with life right now.

Im just so lonely and truly sick of being single. I'm 37, female and bar one 4 year relationship in my late 20s, I have been single my whole life. I have a good job and good friends and family but none of this fills the void that exists from not having an intimate and romantic partner.

I look around and it seems like other people have had no problem finding a partner. I can't shake the feeling that there is something wrong with me.  Am I too fussy? Are my standards too high? Am I ugly? Have I got a sh*t personality? Am I zero craic?

I dont have problems being by myself. In fact I quiet enjoy it for the most part. I live alone and I have a fairly introverted personality. But this doesnt mean I dont get lonely.

I have tried all the dating apps and I have gone on lots of dates. It just seems that anyone I'm interested in, doesn't have an interest in me. And anyone who is interested in me, I generally dont feel attracted to them in a romantic way. Even with some of these men, I've given it time and tried to see if some of these feelings would grow over time. However in these instances, Ive found myself sort of forcing myself to feel feelings which arent there. Invariably,  this just leads to me feeling crap about myself and also isnt fair on the men.

I suppose these frustrations have come to a head as I recently went on a date with a man. When we met, I felt there was chemistry and was very attracted to him. And it seemed like he liked me too. The date went well and there were lots of signs he was into it. He even sat there discussing with me when and how we could meet up again. I left that date feeling great only to check tinder 2 days later to see he had deleted me. I sent him a text message just asking why he had done that and saying that I'd enjoyed myself on the date and asking him if he had felt differently (maybe that was a bit brazen but i just feel too jaded from it all be sitting at home wondering if he is going to text. Id rather just be upfront and honest at this stage.) Anyway he replied saying he had a good time but didnt want anything serious at then moment. I feel so low now. Logically I know that it is no reflection on me and hes entitled to want what he wants. But still. It sucks. Its like the 1st person in a long time that I fancy has just blanked me.

I feel like life is passing me by. I have nobody to share any enjoyments with. Last year I took the plunge and went on a few weekends away by myself. I enjoyed seeing the new places and the change in scenery was nice but I was bored for parts of the trips. There was noone to chat with over dinner or a drink. Any walk I went on during the last lockdown- I did alone. Any walk that I want to go on during this next lockdown - I'll be doing alone. I wake up every morning alone. I go sleep every night alone. I eat most of my meals alone. I flick through Netflix alone. There is no physical intimacy in my life whatsoever and that makes me so sad. There are no lazy weekends spent in bed, having sex, chatting, having fun.

Also, it also plays on my mind that if I'm going to have children, I'm approaching the end of my ability to do this. If youd asked me about kids 10 years, I would have said 110% I want them. But as time slips by, I can feel that dream getting further and further away and I've nearly started preparing myself not having them is a very strong possibility. That's makes me sad but I also feel I'm setting myself to not be disappointed if it doesnt happen.

I'm not sure what the purpose of this post even is. I feel better having written it down though. I feel a bit stupid as well to be honest. That text from that guy has really sent me into a spiral it seems. Which I know is ridiculous at the age of 37. The impact of covid and new lockdown is probably affecting my mood as well.

I'm 42 and in exactly the same boat. It's not pleasant.

Yes, I try to do everything to help myself but it's the sheer lonliness and lack of physcial contact that is so difficult (for me anyway).

Here for you just no words of comfort really, sorry.

newaccount2017

Longtime single person here heading towards 40. I can relate to everything that's been said so far. Found that friends started dropping off not when they got married but once they started having kids. Now if I want to meet friends, it's usually going to their house and being around loads of other couples. Which I dread. So I find myself avoid these meetups more and more and probably isolating myself further.

When friends or work colleagues ask questions like "Any plans for Christmas?" etc., they're just being polite and also fishing for a bit of info I guess on my relationship status. It's just natural to ask. But I notice they must feel pity for me in the way that they ask. Like I'm probably tragic.

Yes, I would like kids at some point and a relationship but I'm unsure if I could put up with someone 24/7. I usually feel worn out after spending time with people, even if it's with people who I like. So who knows what the future holds.

pgj2015

newaccount2017 wrote: »

Longtime single person here heading towards 40. I can relate to everything that's been said so far. Found that friends started dropping off not when they got married but once they started having kids. Now if I want to meet friends, it's usually going to their house and being around loads of other couples. Which I dread. So I find myself avoid these meetups more and more and probably isolating myself further.

When friends or work colleagues ask questions like "Any plans for Christmas?" etc., they're just being polite and also fishing for a bit of info I guess on my relationship status. It's just natural to ask. But I notice they must feel pity for me in the way that they ask. Like I'm probably tragic.

Yes, I would like kids at some point and a relationship but I'm unsure if I could put up with someone 24/7. I usually feel worn out after spending time with people, even if it's with people who I like. So who knows what the future holds.

Id say you are imagining the bit in bold and if not, who cares what they think, what will they be at? hanging out with orlando bloom? white water rafting? or changing nappies or fighting with their other half more like.

I would be like you as in I dont think I could handle being with someone 24/7, if I do start a relationship with someone, it would work best if we live in our own separate houses.

Addle

There’s a lot to be said for acceptance, not resignation.
With age we learn not to care what others think, or what we think they think!
Might not interest you, but this is an interesting watch.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=lyZysfafOAs

LegacyUser

I'm in the same boat so to speak but I'm a gay woman so it's not a case of there's plenty of fish in the sea, it's more a case of there is plenty more fish in the kitchen sink as the pool is so small for finding anyone.

Before it was a matter that I didn't have good confidence and now it is a matter of the selection out there is poor in my opinion, and if I do see a profile of someone who looks after their appearance and is active and interesting they are too young for me. I am interested in people who like exercising whether it's even just walking and reading books.

I have joined groups as people have suggested and I did meet someone but I messed up and then circumstances conspired and I couldn't get a second chance.

I think Covid has magnified things because dealing with the dating apps is a head wreck, the constant goading notifications, 'someone likes you' according to the algorithm but you need to pay money, and when I did pay the money the algorithm had selected a surprising number of straight men (not trans but cis men) but men who were on the app falsely stating they were women looking for lesbians to fulfil a kink or fetish I guess. So it's been soul destroying.

I also find myself feeling sad at pride or when I'm around couples especially now that everyone can get married and people are planning futures, it's tough but the only advice is once this is over join groups and do some self examining to see if there is anything about your attitude that can be adjusted. I feel more relaxed now but well Covid, yeah.

Emme

bertiebomber wrote: »

Well if it was me i would prefer to have celtic genes in my child!!

Do a 23&me and you might find some Viking DNA in yourself. They came here sometime around 700 and by all accounts sorted out a few single but very eligible Irish women who couldn't find an Irish man willing to settle down. The rape, pillage and plunder story was spread by jealous Irish men who realised too late that they were caught napping by the Vikings! There's Viking DNA in a lot of Irish people.

Seriously the OP wants to have a partner like hundreds of other women like her. Children are lovely but it's nice to have someone to help you raise them.

OP the dating scene seems to be grimmer than it ever was. Pre-Tinder online dating was full of married men and messers who would pop up on the sites year after year. Meeting men face to face in bars wasn't much different, I had to give a few seemingly nice men the boot once I sussed that they were already attached.

In Ireland there are an awful lot of women who have "everything" single and an awful lot of single men who don't want to commit to a relationship no matter how great the woman.

I can't advise you on meeting someone because I'm single myself. I'm older than you and went through exactly what you're describing. All I can say is that when you get to a certain age it gets easier to be alone. If we weren't in the middle of 1984 Covid-19 lockdown I would advise you to join meetup groups. Not to meet a man but to broaden your circle of friends and maybe find new hobbies. Work on your social circle so that meeting a man is no longer a priority but a bonus.

mud

I'm long-term single as well OP. I have some lovely friends and all that but around 10 years ago I split with someone who I went on to find out was just awful as things came to light after the break up.

I then made a really terribly awful mistake and had a sexual encounter with someone who I so shouldn't have and it just ate away at me that I was so willing to do something so catastrophically wrong that it turned me off pursuing anything with anyone ever since.

I'm good craic, love comedy, I'm well educated, full-time career etc. but I really doubt that a serious relationship is for me. I can't see myself getting close with anyone in that way but the good news is that I am fulfilled with friends and my life so it seems to matter less and less as the years go on. I'm 41 and female.

DoozerT6

Guest 20202 wrote: »

I feel like life is passing me by..... Any walk I went on during the last lockdown- I did alone. Any walk that I want to go on during this next lockdown - I'll be doing alone. I wake up every morning alone. I go sleep every night alone. I eat most of my meals alone. I flick through Netflix alone. There is no physical intimacy in my life whatsoever and that makes me so sad. There are no lazy weekends spent in bed, having sex, chatting, having fun.

This bit sums it up for me too. And also, as a woman when you get into your thirties and older like me, if you don't have a family of your own, you have increasingly less and less in common with other women your age. Unless you know them a long time and have other things in common, conversation tends to become superficial. I have worked at my job for many years, but I'm still kind of on the outskirts of the group - included, but not integral. All of the other women there are married with kids. They have so much more to bond over and personal things in common to talk about.

While suggestions like getting a dog and volunteering are important and to be encouraged, things like that do not replace intimacy, love, sex, feeling desired and feeling like someone is fully on your side and 'chose' you to start a partnership/family unit with.

bertiebomber

when you reach menopause & if you go through it naturally with out HRT just good food & exercise you will suddenly lose the need for sex and intimacy. its the reward of life whereas men continue gagging for it till they die and they are obsessed by it and are more miserable than women ever are . When the sex drive goes its even better . So theres a little light at the end f the tunnel, read The Selfish Gene - the need for sex is for re production not love increasing the species and to be honest the scientist need to start turning it off as the planet is over loaded......

Segotias

I'd be similar to yourself OP, 43 long term single, at this point cant't have children due to medication which has put me through early menopause. Inspite of what was posted about menopause I haven't lost the need for sex or intimacy, if anything I want it more knowing that I'll be alone otherwise.

I know the inability to have children will put off some men but there's nothing I can do about that.

I'm sticking with working on me to be the best version of myself for myself, if I can be happy and content in my own life that will be enough.

I hope you are able to find some happiness in what you have OP

LegacyUser

Hi again everyone,

OP here. I just want to say thank-you so much to everyone who has responded. Your kindness and empathy is greatly appreciated and it has really helped me. Its nice to know there are so many kind strangers out there. :-)

I am feeling much better since the time I last posted. I think when I wrote the original post, it was just one of those days when everything was getting on top of me. Plus it was the day when the 6 week lockdown was announced which just seemed like the proverbial straw which broke my back!

There have been plenty of things in my life which I set myself the goal of achieving and more often than note, I have gotten what I wanted. Sometimes this was down to luck but more often it was through hard work, determination and resilience. It just frustrates me that this is one area of my life that I can't seem to get a grip on.

bitofabind wrote: »

I was dating with a "please let this person like me/be the right person for me" mentality, rather than what I have now which is a general liking and respect for myself and my single life. And "let's see what this guy is like."

Thank you so much your post. This bit really stood for me and I can totally relate to this. "Please let this person like me" is a fairly common mantra which I would use when I like someone. And I can see how what you are suggesting is a much healthier mindset. I'm just unsure how I would go about trying to change my mindset and truly believe that.

I see you stated in your post that you went to therapy how help you deal with things. This is something I am open to however I just wouldn't know what to even say to a therapist what it is exactly I need help with.

jelly&icecream wrote: »

Would you consider going the sperm donor route and try to have a child alone? Do you have a supportive family?

To be honest, no I don't think this is something I would do. Yes I would love to have children but having them isn't an end goal in itself for me. Children aren't the reason I am looking for a partner. At this point, I think I would rather a partner and no children than children and no partner.

pgj2015 wrote: »

I cant relate op, im single and love it this way. if i do start a relationship with someone and it doesnt work out, so what, i will just start another one without having to get separated, divorced etc..

I get what you are saying but my point is I can't seem to be able to "just start another one." That's my problem and the part that I am finding difficult.

DoozerT6 wrote: »

While suggestions like getting a dog and volunteering are important and to be encouraged, things like that do not replace intimacy, love, sex, feeling desired and feeling like someone is fully on your side and 'chose' you to start a partnership/family unit with.

I can fully relate to this. I have a pet which I love dearly but he does not replace the want I have for an intimate partner.

Thanks again everyone for your replies. I will try to remain hopeful and open and hopefully I will meet someone special soon.