Boyfriend's hot and cold behaviour

LegacyUser · 25-10-2020 11:30AM #1

Hi all

Going unreg for this as it's very personal.

I've been dating my boyfriend (we'll call him Dave) for just over a year. It's been pretty rocky. It started out amazing, massive chemistry and attraction, got on like a house on fire, he was so kind and attentive. I honestly thought this was 'it' for me. I was 34 and worrying about being able to settle down and have kids and it honestly felt like this was finally the relationship I deserved after being messed around and treated badly by men. It started to unravel a couple of months in, when he suddenly started being a bit mean now and again, seemingly out of nowhere. He'd always walked me home (he lives five minutes away), and we'd talked about how a man followed me home recently and how it scared me. One night we'd been out for drinks to meet a friend of his and he said 'I suppose you want me to walk you home', as if it was an inconvenience. I got a bit upset (had a bit of drink on me) and we had a bit of an argument. He basically shamed me for wanting to be walked home and told me no other woman he knows had asked for that. I told him to p1ss off then if walking me home was such a hassle. He texted me when he got home and apologised and I put it down to the drink and an overreaction on my part.

He then started being quite cruel, totally out of nowhere...he started saying more and more that it annoyed him how I talk and that I repeat myself too much, and basically that he was getting bored in my company. Now, I'd be the first to admit to my flaws but I wouldn't say anyone else would call me 'boring'. I have decent knowledge of current affairs, history, politics, I'm very well travelled, and have always prided myself on being able to talk to anyone about anything. Before long, I started to get upset and angry at the way he would talk to me. And confused. We would be having what I thought was a lovely night in with some wine and he'd get irritated with me. He seems to have a think about my anxiety. I do have anxiety, but he says it impacts on everything I say and do. He thinks I'm scared of everything. This got much, much worse once the pandemic started and I was trying to be careful, and of course my anxiety ramped up. He'd get irritated when he saw me washing my hands after accepting an Amazon package or touching takeaway packaging. He came in from the shop and didn't wash his hands before touching the fridge door handle and other things, and after I thought he'd gone to another room, I got some wipes and wiped the things down. He suddenly appeared and we had a fight, he told me I was ridiculous.

As things went on, I got upset more and more often, and it got to the stage I'd storm out. I'd go round to his thinking we were going to have a nice cosy evening, and he'd act as if he didn't want me there. He told me I was overwhelming him by planning too many dates and suggesting things to do together (it was one a week, generally) and that he couldn't handle how all my decisions were driven by fear. Bear in mind that this was during lockdown (we're in the UK) and he was my support bubble, and I literally had nobody else to see and nowhere else to go, so of course I wanted to see him and not be totally alone. Eventually it got to the point where both of us were so unhappy that we decided to take a break. He said he couldn't handle my 'tantrums' anymore, or all my anxieties. I decided to take some time, go to therapy and work on my own happiness.

So after about six weeks, one of my household appliances broke and I mentioned it to him. He offered to come round and take a look, and as soon as he arrived, asked if he could kiss me. Mixed messages or what? Over the next few weeks, he texted me, it was nice and friendly, we met up a few times for walks or coffee and it was pleasant. Before things went really bad, we'd talked about living together for a while to save up money to eventually buy a house. I woke up about a week ago to a text saying that I should have a think about all the practicalities of what I'd need if I moved in, like a work desk/chair and all that. So I thought, well things must be a lot better if he's still interested in me moving in.

We were supposed to have a dinner date at his house last night. I had suggested it, and he seemed enthusiastic about it. I texted to ask about details and he was curt and seemed irritated, so I asked if everything was OK and if he wanted to leave it. He basically told me that I was deluded (in other words), that things were not OK, that we barely have a relationship and iIm carrying on like everything is normal. I told him I wasn't carrying on like everything was normal but that things seemed to have improved recently, and I'd taken his offer to move in as a sign that things were going OK. He told me no, it wasn't, he was just being 'practical' and thinking about arrangements. I asked why a dinner date was such a stretch for him if he was prepared for me to move into his house, and I just got more irritated statements about how they weren't the same thing.

I'm absolutely baffled. What on EARTH is going on in this man's head?

Neyite · 25-10-2020 04:13PM

After a year, it's hard to keep up the nice guy act. This is who he is. This is who he will be when you are sharing a home (and a life) with him.

Some of what you've said could be classified as emotional abuse or gaslighting. Those are traits of an abusive personality and it rarely is 'just' emotional abuse at play. Some of what you describe I suppose could be a bit ott, but you aren't the only one who's got anxiety about the pandemic, nor are you the only one one wiping down all you can think of to feel safe. I did a lot of that during the first lockdown, I even had a basin to dip shoe soles into. My partner rolled his eyes I'm sure, but he was willing to do that for me, if it made me feel better.

You know he's currently baulking at doing the basic things you'd do for a partner - see her home safe, help her do something in the house, yet he's future faking with you. People future fake because they want you enmeshed in a life with them before you uncover the real persona.

How does he describe his previous relationships, and how would he describe his ex partners to you? If you see that he wouldn't speak to his boss at work the way he speaks at you, then it's an abusive personality. If he does speak to his boss the way he speaks to you it points towards anger issues in general and neither are good candidates as life partners if you want a calm happy life.

It's a bad idea to move in right now. I would go as far as to say it's a bad idea to stay with him altogether but I've zero tolerance for people who are needlessly mean or nasty to the person they are supposed to love the most in the world.

Calypso Realm · 25-10-2020 05:00PM

Yes, I was going to ask if he's like that with his friends/family/other folk in general or just you OP? As some folk (not that this is any excuse) are more like that by nature. At any rate, regardless I would have dumped him ages ago, when the 'real' him started to emerge.

To me is sounds as if this has run it's course and has done so for quite some time now, sorry. The fact he's like this with you isn't a good sign at all, in fact it's a major red flag. Basically you too sound incompatible. I would end things now.

bitofabind · 25-10-2020 05:23PM

He sounds like he has an avoidant attachment style. Reeled you in during the honeymoon stage but now that the possibility of real intimacy is on the cards, he’s doing everything to push you away.

People like this don’t usually change without a strong intention and a lot of therapy. Given the nature of being avoidant, this is highly unlikely for him.

Please don’t stay because you’re 34 and worried about meeting someone new. You deserve and can seek out a real partner who embraces you and appreciates you fully. And yes you are still young.

Bob Harris · 25-10-2020 05:28PM

sosoconfused wrote: »

.

I'm absolutely baffled. What on EARTH is going on in this man's head?

What are you baffled about? He's clearly not for you or maybe anyone.

LegacyUser · 25-10-2020 06:41PM

Neyite wrote: »

After a year, it's hard to keep up the nice guy act. This is who he is. This is who he will be when you are sharing a home (and a life) with him.

Some of what you've said could be classified as emotional abuse or gaslighting. Those are traits of an abusive personality and it rarely is 'just' emotional abuse at play. Some of what you describe I suppose could be a bit ott, but you aren't the only one who's got anxiety about the pandemic, nor are you the only one one wiping down all you can think of to feel safe. I did a lot of that during the first lockdown, I even had a basin to dip shoe soles into. My partner rolled his eyes I'm sure, but he was willing to do that for me, if it made me feel better.

Thanks for replying. Well, there's a lot more to do the anxiety than I said, and maybe I underplayed how bad it is. I have pretty bad OCD and even before the pandemic I wouldn't touch a touch screen to buy tickets or something, and it also affects sex, like I don't want to cuddle after it in case some semen gets on me (sorry for OTT detail). I have had other relationships go sour and end largely because of it, so I know it's something that does affect others, as much as I try not to let it show. The pandemic was really the worst thing that could have happened in terms of my OCD...it's almost comical how unfortunate it is.

I do feel that he's been quite cruel about it though. I understand that my anxiety is stressful for other people and that he doesn't want it rubbing off on him but I'm trying my best. This is a terrible situation for all of us and I just try to do what I can to feel safe.

You know he's currently baulking at doing the basic things you'd do for a partner - see her home safe, help her do something in the house, yet he's future faking with you. People future fake because they want you enmeshed in a life with them before you uncover the real persona.

I think I might have misrepresented that. We had the one argument about him walking me home and he claimed later that he hadn't said he didn't want to and that he was just asking me if I wanted him to or not, and I blew up at him. He doesn't baulk at doing anything to help me and to be fair, he has done absolutely loads for me without a word of complaint. He sorted me out a bike during lockdown and built it, he built my desk for WFH, put my chair together, when I was back visiting family in Ireland, my fridge broke and he left work a couple of times to let the people in to fix it (and then again when a new fridge had to be delivered). Whatever else I could say about him, he definitely is not unreliable about helping me or being there for me.

How does he describe his previous relationships, and how would he describe his ex partners to you? If you see that he wouldn't speak to his boss at work the way he speaks at you, then it's an abusive personality. If he does speak to his boss the way he speaks to you it points towards anger issues in general and neither are good candidates as life partners if you want a calm happy life.

So I always ask about exes early on to see if there are any red flags there. He didn't speak badly about any of them, he's still friendly with a few and there was nothing that raised concerns for me, bar one who he said had turned out to have bipolar and did some crazy things, but he said that relationship was overall good and he didn't show any anger or contempt when mentioning her.

So the way he speaks to others is interesting...he is pretty blunt with just about everyone. I haven't seen him getting irritated with anyone else, which is kind of a red flag, but then I think...I also talk to him in a way I wouldn't talk to my boss. We got lost cycling to my sister's house early on in lockdown (to pick up something important) and I got snappy with him for asking a question. I'd have been embarrassed if someone from work had been passing by and heard the way I talked to him. Was that abusive or was it someone under a lot of pressure snapping a bit? I'm never really sure where the line is between a normal level of snapping because you're a bit fed up and emotional abuse.

I would not describe him as having an anger problem...it's more quiet irritation. It's no less rude and unpleasant to deal with sometimes, but it doesn't make me feel unsafe, if that makes sense.

It's a bad idea to move in right now. I would go as far as to say it's a bad idea to stay with him altogether but I've zero tolerance for people who are needlessly mean or nasty to the person they are supposed to love the most in the world.

Yeah, I feel the same tbh. I just don't feel a lot of warmth or compassion from him. I know I'm difficult, I've been told I'm difficult, but I don't think that's a reason to be cruel. I'm not a bad person, he says himself, I'm not evil or malicious, but my anxiety and other issues make me hard to be around sometimes. Maybe we are just not compatible.

LegacyUser · 25-10-2020 06:51PM

Calypso Realm wrote: »

Yes, I was going to ask if he's like that with his friends/family/other folk in general or just you OP? As some folk (not that this is any excuse) are more like that by nature. At any rate, regardless I would have dumped him ages ago, when the 'real' him started to emerge.

To me is sounds as if this has run it's course and has done so for quite some time now, sorry. The fact he's like this with you isn't a good sign at all, in fact it's a major red flag. Basically you too sound incompatible. I would end things now.

He is a bit like that by nature, I think. Not a particularly warm person, quite sarcastic and dry. I find a lot of the English here to be like him. He's very popular and well liked but I know that doesn't necessarily mean anything, as I've had really horrible partners who were well liked by others.

It all just feels like such cruel timing and I don't understand why I deserve so much bad luck. In 'normal times', I probably would have moved on already a few months ago, and got back on the dating apps and thrown myself into a new social life. Now he's pretty much my the only person I know within walking distance, and my 'support bubble'. Things aren't good now but it feels like breaking up would be even worse? I have someone a few minutes away who would be there for me in an emergency, someone to go for a drink with, or a walk. If we broke up I would be completely alone. I'm not even allowed to invite a friend round, with the current restrictions.

Calypso Realm · 25-10-2020 07:21PM

bitofabind wrote: »

he’s doing everything to push you away.
.

Yes, that struck me as well and I wondered, if in fact, he was trying to get you OP to pull the plug, which wouldn't really surprise me in the least. It's clear you irritate him (I'm not at all saying he's in the right here or anything like this) but I was baffled as to why then he was still hanging in there and hadn't just ended things. I could be wrong but that was my hunch.

At any rate, why he's behaving like this is irrelevant OP, he's an ass, so I would take back control here and end things yourself. It must be awful being around someone like this-living with him would be a nightmare, so please don't got there- not to mention the toll it's taking on your self-esteem. A cliche, I know but you do, truly deserve better. You will feel much better with him out of the picture, I can promise you that!

LegacyUser · 25-10-2020 07:43PM

bitofabind wrote: »

He sounds like he has an avoidant attachment style. Reeled you in during the honeymoon stage but now that the possibility of real intimacy is on the cards, he’s doing everything to push you away.

People like this don’t usually change without a strong intention and a lot of therapy. Given the nature of being avoidant, this is highly unlikely for him.

Please don’t stay because you’re 34 and worried about meeting someone new. You deserve and can seek out a real partner who embraces you and appreciates you fully. And yes you are still young.

It does feel a bit like that, in all honesty. It's funny because when we started seeing each other, I only really thought we'd have some drinks and a bit of fun and that, and he was the one who seemed smitten.

I did read up on avoidant personalities actually, when I was dating someone who was absolutely avoidant. What also confuses me about 'Dave' is he's had long term relationships before. The last guy I dated who was avoidant had only had one, and then nothing for five years after it ended. 'Dave' was with his last partner for over four years and lived with her. He seems to want, and have, long term relationships, which makes it all the more confusing to me.

I'm actually 35 now (since May) but that's not even the reason I'd stay...more that it's bloody impossible to date anyone else right now, and I also don't have anyone else nearby. I've had a couple of flat emergencies in the past month or two, and 'Dave' has been round to sort them. I know this probably sounds really selfish and like I'm using him, but it feels stupid to leave the only person I know around here in the middle of a pandemic. He hasn't been violent or anything or outright awful/abusive, he's actually been really kind regarding any help I've needed, and he'd drop everything to come to me in an emergency, so it kind of feels crazy to be completely alone with no-one right now. Does that make sense?

Calypso Realm · 25-10-2020 07:45PM

sosoconfused wrote: »

Yeah, I feel the same tbh. I just don't feel a lot of warmth or compassion from him. I know I'm difficult, I've been told I'm difficult, but I don't think that's a reason to be cruel. I'm not a bad person, he says himself, I'm not evil or malicious, but my anxiety and other issues make me hard to be around sometimes. Maybe we are just not compatible.

I hadn't seen your update before my last post but my thoughts still stand. Regardless of all else I do not think you two are compatible, sorry. In addition, but just as important, the nasty and cruel side would be a dealbreaker for me. I realise the timing is terrible but at least take a very long step back from this...

Also it does sound from what you said in your first post, he too wants to end things. At the very least, he's not happy with things as they stand....

LegacyUser · 25-10-2020 08:11PM

Calypso Realm wrote: »

Yes, that struck me as well and I wondered, if in fact, he was trying to get you OP to pull the plug, which wouldn't really surprise me in the least. It's clear you irritate him (I'm not at all saying he's in the right here or anything like this) but I was baffled as to why then he was still hanging in there and hadn't just ended things. I could be wrong but that was my hunch.

At any rate, why he's behaving like this is irrelevant OP, he's an ass, so I would take back control here and end things yourself. It must be awful being around someone like this-living with him would be a nightmare, so please don't got there- not to mention the toll it's taking on your self-esteem. A cliche, I know but you do, truly deserve better. You will feel much better with him out of the picture, I can promise you that!

I think he maybe genuinely does love me and care about me and he would like it to work, and I feel the same about him. I think it's just becoming clear to both of us that we just can't get along, whatever the reason is. He did ask me to just back off and give him space for a few weeks during lockdown, and I didn't really comply with that, which now I see was the wrong thing to do, but I was feeling very alone and depressed and I kept asking to see him and to go round to his (he has a garden and I don't) and I guess it just made everything worse. He said he felt like I wasn't respecting his wishes at all, or considering the effect on him of keeping on inviting myself round when he'd asked for space.

I've obviously only told some of the story here. If he was like this all the time, I'd obviously have left ages ago. He can be fantastic company, he's very dependable, he went all out on my birthday, knowing I was down about it being during lockdown, baked me a cake, home cooked an amazing meal and got me really thoughtful gifts. He's brought me into his friend group and they're all lovely people who have been so welcoming, and his family too. I just can't handle the grumpiness, I can't handle the weird hot and cold behaviour, the mental gymnastics he does to make it seem like I'm always chasing him, when he often texts me first thing in the morning and suggests things himself. It's mad.

He keeps saying that he was patient at first and that my own behaviour wore him down to the point he just can't do it anymore. I don't know if that's true, it's probably partially that, and also partially that he's grumpy and irritable when things aren't exactly how he wants.

Porklife · 25-10-2020 08:47PM

I feel really sad reading your post OP. The fact your boyfriend seems so irritated by you is a really bad sign. There are two things I'd hate for my partner to feel about me..bored in my company and irritated by me. You're boyfriend feels both of those things. When you love someone they don't tend to irritate you. They can have annoying habits or do things like leave dirty socks on the floor but you generally compromise and get through things.
If I was you I'd try pulling back from the relationship to provide each of you space to figure out what you want. If he thinks he can snap at you and act irritated and you'll just take it he'll lose all respect for you. If hes being cold I'd be just as cold back. This may seem like game playing but it's more so establishing standards of behaviour and showing what you don't render acceptable.
What do I know though...I'm mid break up at the moment and I know how hard being alone can be. Honestly though, I would prefer to be alone forever more than to be in an unhealthy unhappy relationship which this sounds like.
Another option could be a frank and open conversation about what is really going on, its rarely about the subject you're disagreeing on. In your case, this isn't about dinner. Maybe that's the way to go? Lastly, have a long hard think about what you really want because you don't sound happy and I can sense your sadness and chipped self esteem. Either way OP you will be fine. Be strong.

TheadoreT · 25-10-2020 11:16PM

I think without a good sex life/intimacy things will always start to unravel and there's plenty here to suggest that you guys dont have one.

Firstly when you say he always used to walk you home suggests you went your separate ways plenty at the end of dates which i find a bit peculiar. In them early stages of relationships you shouldnt be able to keep your hands off each other and if you're both going home alone more often than not it points to a lack of passion.

The semen comment you mentioned is frankly weird. You said OCD related issues regarding sex have affected previous relationships so I'd imagine its probably the main issue for him too.

His comment about you barely having a relationship since you rekindled things I assume could only mean you're not having much sex(if at all) in that period.

I think much of his irritable moods and frustration will have stemmed from this. That's not to say some of his reactions and behaviours sound downright unpleasant and doesnt sound like you two are a great fit at all.

leggo · 25-10-2020 11:38PM

sosoconfused wrote: »

It does feel a bit like that, in all honesty. It's funny because when we started seeing each other, I only really thought we'd have some drinks and a bit of fun and that, and he was the one who seemed smitten.

I did read up on avoidant personalities actually, when I was dating someone who was absolutely avoidant. What also confuses me about 'Dave' is he's had long term relationships before. The last guy I dated who was avoidant had only had one, and then nothing for five years after it ended. 'Dave' was with his last partner for over four years and lived with her. He seems to want, and have, long term relationships, which makes it all the more confusing to me.

I'm actually 35 now (since May) but that's not even the reason I'd stay...more that it's bloody impossible to date anyone else right now, and I also don't have anyone else nearby. I've had a couple of flat emergencies in the past month or two, and 'Dave' has been round to sort them. I know this probably sounds really selfish and like I'm using him, but it feels stupid to leave the only person I know around here in the middle of a pandemic. He hasn't been violent or anything or outright awful/abusive, he's actually been really kind regarding any help I've needed, and he'd drop everything to come to me in an emergency, so it kind of feels crazy to be completely alone with no-one right now. Does that make sense?

The avoidant thing occurred to me too. Him sabotaging things that hadn’t been (and aren’t reasonable) issues before, being mean and pushing you away just as you’re getting close. With that in mind, it’s no surprise at all that he doubled back on the idea of you moving in and did so in quite a rude, dismissive way.

You’re also feeding into it a bit yourself on the anxious side tbh, people with anxious attachment styles find the idea of separating extremely difficult to deal with and will talk themselves into mad reasons to keep going around in the same circle (eg you can’t leave him because of the pandemic), as well as doubling down on someone who’s proven to be unreliable (eg thinking it’s a good idea to move in together). This is all textbook anxious/avoidant stuff from what I can see.

As far as past relationships go, that’s not all that strange for avoidants. The thing is you have no idea about the circumstances of those relationships beyond what he tells you, and considering that most avoidants’ relationship stories end with “I treated someone who cared about me like absolute dirt in the end for no reason”, they tend not to be very forthcoming with the full truth (they may not even see the full truth of what happened in their own eyes because they’re bad at taking responsibility for their actions). You almost have to speak the language of an avoidant to be able to read the tiny clues they might give you while painting themselves as victims and their exes as horrible. But generally you’re talking a history of toxic relationships that follow the same pattern you’re in now.

In conclusion, if you’re feeling this is the case and are familiar with anxious/avoidant relationships, then you likely know where this is going and what you need to do: don’t and you’ll get close for a while, then the closer you get the more the sabotaging will escalate on the other side until they either break you or disconnect entirely out of the blue. The good news is that therapy can be really effective for dealing with this once you know what you’re looking to do, and you’ve identified this already. So in the long run you will be okay and better for having gotten through all of this.

JustAThought · 26-10-2020 12:05AM

OP - it sounds like the relationship has run its course. Not every one lasts past the initial honeymoon phase. It sounds as thou his friends, family, original sex and attraction and the warm cosy glow of being in a loving caring relationship were great - but that exciting part of newness and exploration is over now. People cannot keep an act up forever. He has shown you who he is, or can be. You mY want to be in a relationship but a good one. This is no longer a good nurturing loving relationship. You deserve better. Do not let your fears of not finding another love quickly make you stay with this man who in the long run will just take up your time and prevent you from meeting someone who DOES love you fully and who you can start a family with in due course. It’s a cliche for a reason - love is patient, love is kind ... and all the other things that go with this. You may have hoped this man would be the golden bullet and the man of your futire and dreams but he is not. Its time to be brave and stop pinning your future dreams on him. He has already shown you who is really is and what he thinks. Sure he bought you cake and a meal and lovely presents on your birthday and you had some good nights out with his friends - but he was also cruel and downplayed your fears and mocked you in fromt of his friends, and broke his promises and said he was bored with being with you - no doubt the sex will still be great and by all means enjoy it but don’t pin your hopes on a future of kindness or love or consideration with him. He too will find it hard to meet a new girlfriend during the lockdown but thats no need to put up with a loveless unkind relationship that dosn’t suit - even if the alternative is being temporarily lonely. You deserve much better, and anxiety or not, there will be far more suitable and much better matches and partners for you out there. You just have to know what you are worth - and it is much more more that this (hot, sexy) disappointing no long term future in him man.

Jequ0n · 26-10-2020 01:37AM

Are you sure there is no weird co-dependency going on with you both?

It’s clear that you irritate him, but at the same time he still does a lot of stuff for you. Sounds to me like he wants this to send but is feeling guilty and then eases his conscience by helping/ placating you again.
Vicious circle for both of you

ILoveYourVibes · 26-10-2020 06:10AM

sosoconfused wrote: »

I asked why a dinner date was such a stretch for him if he was prepared for me to move into his house, and I just got more irritated statements about how they weren't the same thing.

I'm absolutely baffled. What on EARTH is going on in this man's head?

He has asked you to move in.

This is not hot and cold. This is how he is in relationships.

If you were married and you were the only woman he ever envisaged himself being with this is STILL how he would behave. He behaves this way with all of his family i would say and if he had kids with them.

Its just who he is.

As another poster said ..its impossible for someone to keep up the nice guy act.

He thinks he can treat people like this. He never had anyone who was stronger than him and taught him he couldn't.

Its kind of too late for him to learn that now tbh as an adult. He is a finished dish.

This is who he is.

He is a bit like that by nature, I think. Not a particularly warm person, quite sarcastic and dry.

Yep.

I would dump him and be glad you only wasted a year.

LegacyUser · 26-10-2020 10:24AM

Calypso Realm wrote: »

I hadn't seen your update before my last post but my thoughts still stand. Regardless of all else I do not think you two are compatible, sorry. In addition, but just as important, the nasty and cruel side would be a dealbreaker for me. I realise the timing is terrible but at least take a very long step back from this...

Also it does sound from what you said in your first post, he too wants to end things. At the very least, he's not happy with things as they stand....

No, he isn't happy with things as they stand and neither am I.

It feels like what bitofabind said might be true - I am now feeling like he keeps moving the goalposts. At first it was 'I want to continue the relationship if you stop having angry tantrums at me'. I went to therapy and learned some coping mechanisms and stopped getting angry and raising my voice, but instead of it being good now, it's another thing 'I can't handle how all your decisions are driven by fear and you are crippled by anxiety and dragging me into it' and he can't see how that can ever change.

He's suggested taking some time apart again and then trying to 'reset' things, which I think is the only way this can possibly work. But even then, I'm not sure it can either, and I think he feels the same. He's also so hot and cold about that - like, he literally told me the other day to stop acting like things are normal and to stop trying to see him, then he invites himself round to mine to watch a TV show and sends me a text last night about if I want to do an activity with him. It's painful because we do genuinely get on, there's a massive amount of chemistry and attraction there, his friends and family really like me, but somehow it just isn't working and there's nothing I can do.

I just can't get over my bad luck here. Every normal coping mechanism for breakups is now gone. I can't just fly over to Madrid to see friends and party for the weekend, or go back home to Ireland to get babied by Mammy for a week or go out on the town here and meet new people. It's brutal. And it's endless. The thought of actually being all alone during Christmas and possibly another lockdown is torturous.

Faith · 26-10-2020 10:42AM

OP, what mental health support have you gotten for your OCD?

OCD is an incredibly tricky thing to live with. People with OCD tend to draw everyone around them into colluding with their anxiety, and over time it begins to control everything for everyone near to them. It's not a deliberate or manipulative thing, it's just due to the insidious nature of OCD and being unable to prove a negative. You've mentioned several aspects of how it affects your life, and you've positioned Dave as the 'fixer' in multiple situations in your life too. You've even mentioned that it could look like you're using him due to how much you have experienced him coming to the rescue and fixing things.

he's grumpy and irritable when things aren't exactly how he wants

What are you like when things aren't exactly as you want? OCD, by its very nature, involves overwhelming compulsions to have things 'just so'. It seems unfair to me to describe him like that when I wonder what you'd be like if he prevented you doing something related to your OCD?

You've downplayed your anxiety initially, and only later expanded on it to clarify that it's quite significant OCD. With that lens on, these statements could take a different tone:

We would be having what I thought was a lovely night in with some wine and he'd get irritated with me. He seems to have a think about my anxiety. I do have anxiety, but he says it impacts on everything I say and do. He thinks I'm scared of everything. This got much, much worse once the pandemic started and I was trying to be careful, and of course my anxiety ramped up. He'd get irritated when he saw me washing my hands after accepting an Amazon package or touching takeaway packaging. He came in from the shop and didn't wash his hands before touching the fridge door handle and other things, and after I thought he'd gone to another room, I got some wipes and wiped the things down. He suddenly appeared and we had a fight, he told me I was ridiculous.

If you had OCD prior to the pandemic, I can only imagine how difficult the past 9 months have been for you. How much time would say you spend in a day on thoughts and behaviours related to anxiety and OCD?

Now, I don't for a moment want to appear like I'm suggesting that it's all your fault, because I'm not and I'm sure he has behaved very poorly at times as well. But mental health is a huge factor in the dynamics at play. How do you think it feels for Dave when you push him away after sex, for instance?

I think it's just becoming clear to both of us that we just can't get along, whatever the reason is.

...

He did ask me to just back off and give him space for a few weeks during lockdown, and I didn't really comply with that, which now I see was the wrong thing to do, but I was feeling very alone and depressed and I kept asking to see him and to go round to his (he has a garden and I don't) and I guess it just made everything worse. He said he felt like I wasn't respecting his wishes at all, or considering the effect on him of keeping on inviting myself round when he'd asked for space.

I have had other relationships go sour and end largely because of it, so I know it's something that does affect others, as much as I try not to let it show.

We got lost cycling to my sister's house early on in lockdown (to pick up something important) and I got snappy with him for asking a question. I'd have been embarrassed if someone from work had been passing by and heard the way I talked to him. Was that abusive or was it someone under a lot of pressure snapping a bit? I'm never really sure where the line is between a normal level of snapping because you're a bit fed up and emotional abuse.

I know I'm difficult, I've been told I'm difficult, but I don't think that's a reason to be cruel. I'm not a bad person, he says himself, I'm not evil or malicious, but my anxiety and other issues make me hard to be around sometimes.

It all just feels like such cruel timing and I don't understand why I deserve so much bad luck. In 'normal times', I probably would have moved on already a few months ago, and got back on the dating apps and thrown myself into a new social life. Now he's pretty much my the only person I know within walking distance, and my 'support bubble'. Things aren't good now but it feels like breaking up would be even worse? I have someone a few minutes away who would be there for me in an emergency, someone to go for a drink with, or a walk. If we broke up I would be completely alone

I know this probably sounds really selfish and like I'm using him, but it feels stupid to leave the only person I know around here in the middle of a pandemic. He hasn't been violent or anything or outright awful/abusive, he's actually been really kind regarding any help I've needed, and he'd drop everything to come to me in an emergency, so it kind of feels crazy to be completely alone with no-one right now.

To be honest, I think a lot of your confusion is coming from the fact that you're not seeing the situation through Dave's eyes at all. You've given loads of examples of how you've put your wishes and needs ahead of his, and where you haven't given him what he has asked for, and yet don't seem to understand why the relationship isn't working. You've not said a single thing that indicates that you understand what it might be like for Dave being in a relationship with someone with OCD and who seems to view the relationship as simply 'better than being alone'.

Do you actually want to be with him, or are you just scared of being alone?

If nothing else, please speak to your GP or a mental health practitioner about overcoming your OCD. You've said you've lost more than one relationship over it, so it's clearly something that is massively impacting your life.

LegacyUser · 26-10-2020 10:51AM

Porklife wrote: »

I feel really sad reading your post OP. The fact your boyfriend seems so irritated by you is a really bad sign. There are two things I'd hate for my partner to feel about me..bored in my company and irritated by me. You're boyfriend feels both of those things. When you love someone they don't tend to irritate you. They can have annoying habits or do things like leave dirty socks on the floor but you generally compromise and get through things.
If I was you I'd try pulling back from the relationship to provide each of you space to figure out what you want. If he thinks he can snap at you and act irritated and you'll just take it he'll lose all respect for you. If hes being cold I'd be just as cold back. This may seem like game playing but it's more so establishing standards of behaviour and showing what you don't render acceptable.
What do I know though...I'm mid break up at the moment and I know how hard being alone can be. Honestly though, I would prefer to be alone forever more than to be in an unhealthy unhappy relationship which this sounds like.
Another option could be a frank and open conversation about what is really going on, its rarely about the subject you're disagreeing on. In your case, this isn't about dinner. Maybe that's the way to go? Lastly, have a long hard think about what you really want because you don't sound happy and I can sense your sadness and chipped self esteem. Either way OP you will be fine. Be strong.

Yep, it's horrible. I suspect that he may have good reason - my last few relationships ended with them saying they couldn't deal with the way I am (the anxiety and intenseness) but I wish we'd been able to discuss it and work on it together instead of him just getting snappy and mean. I look back to some of the early times in our relationship and I can see now how horrible they must have been for him. He booked a lovely weekend away a few weeks into the relationship, and I was stressful and snappy before we'd even left the train station because the train was busy and we hadn't had time to get lunch first, then later I was snappy and irritable again because we couldn't get into the Airbnb he booked. I see now that was such horrible behaviour, but I can't turn back the clock.

Yes, I think your advice about pulling away is good. I know he feels overwhelmed when he asks for space and I keep contacting him. I felt like his continued responses meant it was OK to keep contacting him or asking to see him, but he said he isn't a monster, and he isn't going to ignore me if I feel like I need him, so I gave him no choice. He said I often make him feel like he's being guilted into seeing me, which obviously isn't what I want. He told me back around June that if the relationship was to have any future, I needed to back off and give him some space but at the time I couldn't bear to be in my flat alone so I would ask to go round and sit in his garden...I didn't really realise how much this was upsetting him. He says he feels like I just ignore his boundaries and wishes and do what I want.

I will try to back off and find hobbies and things to do in my flat, as hard as that's going to be. You're right, I am totally worn down and crushed and it's all very head melting, not knowing whether it's him, whether it's me, what's going on.

bitofabind · 26-10-2020 11:40AM

OP on reading your updates I think the biggest issue here is you're not getting the help you need for your anxiety and it's massively impacting on 1. your ability to cope and 2. your relationship.

You can't seem to cope on your own at all. "Dave" is a crutch for you because you're so overwhelmed at thoughts of being alone, how will you manage, what will you do. Heightened no doubt by the pandemic. It's no surprise that an anxious/avoidant push pull dynamic would grow from that, where he pulls away because he can't handle it and you lean in further because your anxiety gets worse.

sosoconfused wrote: »

I just can't get over my bad luck here. Every normal coping mechanism for breakups is now gone. I can't just fly over to Madrid to see friends and party for the weekend, or go back home to Ireland to get babied by Mammy for a week or go out on the town here and meet new people. It's brutal. And it's endless. The thought of actually being all alone during Christmas and possibly another lockdown is torturous.

It's not Dave's job to save you. It's not your friends' job to save you. Or your mother's job either. Only you are responsible for yourself and your mental health. A support network is of course really important, but not the entire basis of how you get by and survive your day to day. That's down to you.

At the moment you are massively acting out as the thought of being on your own is intolerable and feels like death to you. This is what you need to work on because it's the biggest trigger for your anxiety and is giving you no inner peace or capability to cope at all. I know because this was me once. I did a lot of therapy and scoffed when my counsellor constantly said to me, "everything that you need is within you." However it's proved to be the single best belief I've ever introduced in my life and has helped me to feel safe on my own, in my body and in my mind. If the sh1t hits the fan, I'll be fine because I know how to give myself the compassion and reassurance that I need. Single or not single, pandemic or no pandemic.

You need these coping mechanisms. When you have them, you won't stay in relationships that aren't right out of fear, or look to others to get your needs met. Do you have a therapist? Or have you been to the GP about your anxiety? I think it's crucial that you start there.

LegacyUser · 26-10-2020 11:50AM

TheadoreT wrote: »

I think without a good sex life/intimacy things will always start to unravel and there's plenty here to suggest that you guys dont have one.

Firstly when you say he always used to walk you home suggests you went your separate ways plenty at the end of dates which i find a bit peculiar. In them early stages of relationships you shouldnt be able to keep your hands off each other and if you're both going home alone more often than not it points to a lack of passion.

The semen comment you mentioned is frankly weird. You said OCD related issues regarding sex have affected previous relationships so I'd imagine its probably the main issue for him too.

His comment about you barely having a relationship since you rekindled things I assume could only mean you're not having much sex(if at all) in that period.

I think much of his irritable moods and frustration will have stemmed from this. That's not to say some of his reactions and behaviours sound downright unpleasant and doesnt sound like you two are a great fit at all.

Actually yes, I think this is pretty accurate.

The weird thing is we DO have great chemistry, and the sex life we've had has been fantastic. I'd say the best of any relationship I've had, even. We just seem to have gotten into a cycle where the actual opportunity to have sex hardly ever arises. He's irritable and snappy, which upsets me, so we don't have sex, so he gets more irritable, and so on.

The time he was walking me home was a weeknight and I was up at 6am, so not really up for being up late etc. We had previously stayed over on weeknights and ended up wrecked and unable to focus at work so decided to be sensible and keep it for weekends.

Yep, I do have OCD issues around sex. They're not entirely unfounded really - I was incredibly unlucky and got both chlamydia and high risk HPV from the very first time I had sex (with a condom!), which caused 8+ years of dealing with pre-cancerous cell changes in my cervix, so I associate sex now with risk, hassle and pain. I've had some therapy and have tried to get past it but I suppose I never really did

karlitob · 26-10-2020 12:44PM

Neyite wrote: »

Some of what you've said could be classified as emotional abuse or gaslighting. Those are traits of an abusive personality and it rarely is 'just' emotional abuse at play.

Christ almighty! Emotional abuse.....gaslighting - what are you on about. Maybe - just maybe - he’s just a bit of a prick.

You’re only hearing one side to this story, one persons perspective. Instead of advising on how to deal with this situation you’ve gone straight ahead and made an accusation with only knowing one side of the story.

He’s clearly a prick, this woman clearly is an anxious type person, and clearly Covid has magnified these type of situations that might have taken longer to come to the fore.

She needs to stop justifying herself. While his behaviour (According to him) might be triggered by something in her behaviour - and vice verse - Or NOT, that doesn’t mean she should tolerate his behaviour. I would find constant hand washing after things like the shopping and being nagged about washing door handles a pain and very frustrating.

She should figure out what she wants, tell him his behaviour is unacceptable to her in those particular situations, how confused she feels because his behaviour changes and then give him time to have a think and see what it is he wants.

If he doesn’t know or isn’t acknowledging the effect that his behaviour has on her. Then get out and try again. Nothing to gain from investing more time and effort into the something that isn’t gonna right itself. The usual problem of sunken costs.

Gaslighting. You’re gaslighting by talking about gaslighting. Putting these seeds in this posters mind without any knowledge of the other person with the exception that he’s a man.

TheadoreT · 26-10-2020 12:47PM

sosoconfused wrote: »

Actually yes, I think this is pretty accurate.

The weird thing is we DO have great chemistry, and the sex life we've had has been fantastic. I'd say the best of any relationship I've had, even. We just seem to have gotten into a cycle where the actual opportunity to have sex hardly ever arises. He's irritable and snappy, which upsets me, so we don't have sex, so he gets more irritable, and so on.

The time he was walking me home was a weeknight and I was up at 6am, so not really up for being up late etc. We had previously stayed over on weeknights and ended up wrecked and unable to focus at work so decided to be sensible and keep it for weekends.

Yep, I do have OCD issues around sex. They're not entirely unfounded really - I was incredibly unlucky and got both chlamydia and high risk HPV from the very first time I had sex (with a condom!), which caused 8+ years of dealing with pre-cancerous cell changes in my cervix, so I associate sex now with risk, hassle and pain. I've had some therapy and have tried to get past it but I suppose I never really did

You're being very open and honest here which is a good sign. Are you able to communicate similarly with him in person?

You're talking about confusion but it was glaringly obvious that this was his main issue to me from the way you described his behaviours. Dont listen to the nonsense avoidant personality cliches people are coming out with. He probably hits out becuase he feels rejected at times and is fearful of becoming one of those couples you hear about who get into a rut and never make time for sex. It sounds like he loves you but this issue is stopping him from going all in. He's probably also confused because if as you say the times you have had sex it's been great, he may then wonder why you dont want it more often.

Firstly if you haven't already told him, you should let him now it's the best of your life. That's a confidence booster for anyone to hear. And you should continue to seek therapy over the issues you're having that perhaps make you disassociate from affection. Have you tried CBT? If these are recurring issues in relationships it's really worth the time and effort to try mend.

karlitob · 26-10-2020 12:50PM

TheadoreT wrote: »

You're being very open and honest here which is a good sign. Are you able to communicate similarly with him in person?

You're talking about confusion but it was glaringly obvious that this was his main issue to me from the way you described his behaviours. Dont listen to the nonsense avoidant personality cliches people are coming out with. He probably hits out becuase he feels rejected at times and is fearful of becoming one of those couples you hear about who get into a rut and never make time for sex. It sounds like he loves you but this issue is stopping him from going all in. He's probably also confused because if as you say the times you have had sex it's been great, he may then wonder why you dont want it more often.

Firstly if you haven't already told him, you should let him now it's the best of your life. That's a confidence booster for anyone to hear. And you should continue to seek therapy over the issues you're having that perhaps make you disassociate from affection. Have you tried CBT? If these are recurring issues in relationships it's really worth the time and effort to try mend.

Be careful on here with that sort of post. Assuming that men have emotions and need as much care and attention as women might not go down well. Men suffer from the same difficulty in understanding mixed signals is not a concept that’s readily understood.

What you should’ve said is
- blah blah red Flag
- blag balh emotional abuse
- blah blah gaslighting
- blah blah emotional avoidance disorder (Or swim thing similar)

Porklife · 26-10-2020 12:56PM

Op, it's great that you're being so open about the relationship and the part you played in the demise and you seem to be listening to everyone here and taking the advice onboard.
I know this is a really difficult time for you for many reasons and I second what bitofabind said about addressing your OCD head on with a professional. My sister lived with a guy who had severe OCD and she couldn't get her head around it but she adored him and adapted to it. The right guy will work with you on this. You often here of people with a stammer for example who meet somebody who loves them deeply and the stammer resolves itself or becomes easier to deal with. Conversely, it seems in this relationship its making your anxiety and OCD worse.

One thing that stood out to me is the asking to come over despite him telling you he needs space. I know you didn't want to be alone but tbh that's not his problem and by ignoring his request, you come across as needy and selfish. I would imagine he resented you sitting in his garden and it probably turned him right off you.
I recently asked my ex to not contact me unless its essential (I'm pregnant but we've split) and he still sends random messages. All I think when I get them is...wow you are beyond selfish.
Imagine you wanted a girly night in to dye your hair, drink vino and watch rom coms (apologies for the stereotypical image of a girls night in!) and he knew that but kept calling you. It would irritate you and make you feel resentful of him. I would say he felt a bit used by you. He has a garden and you wanted to sit there regardless of what he wanted.
Hope that's not too harsh, just my view.
My advice now would be to tell him you have thought things over and realise you weren't respecting his boundaries. Then I'd just leave him alone and let him come to you.
Don't fall into a negative thought spiral either. It's not all your fault and hes not perfect either.
For now try to be kind to yourself and stay calm. Listen to happy music, watch a funny movie and stop focusing all your energy on him. You're forgetting about the most important person in your life - You!!

LegacyUser · 26-10-2020 01:45PM

Faith wrote: »

OP, what mental health support have you gotten for your OCD?

OCD is an incredibly tricky thing to live with. People with OCD tend to draw everyone around them into colluding with their anxiety, and over time it begins to control everything for everyone near to them. It's not a deliberate or manipulative thing, it's just due to the insidious nature of OCD and being unable to prove a negative. You've mentioned several aspects of how it affects your life, and you've positioned Dave as the 'fixer' in multiple situations in your life too. You've even mentioned that it could look like you're using him due to how much you have experienced him coming to the rescue and fixing things.

What are you like when things aren't exactly as you want? OCD, by its very nature, involves overwhelming compulsions to have things 'just so'. It seems unfair to me to describe him like that when I wonder what you'd be like if he prevented you doing something related to your OCD?

I have had CBT and other therapy, but the problem is that the pandemic then came along and basically stomped over all the hard work I'd done. It took me ages to stop washing my hands after touching anything, and then suddenly we're told we need to wash our hands after touching anything. So basically the message I got was that all the stuff I had always worried about, I was RIGHT to worry about. Now I really *could* get a terrible illness from not washing or sanitising my hands, or doing something as innocuous as going somewhere on the bus.

I really don't think I've asked Dave to do anything excessive. I genuinely think touching things like fridge door handles before washing your hands (after coming in from the shop) is too lax, and presents a risk to us. Once during the height of the pandemic/cases, I invited him round to mine for dinner and asked him if he could please wash his hands when he arrived, and possibly bring some joggers or something to change into so he wasn't wearing outside clothes on my couch, and he got angry and said I was being ridiculous. In the context of a pandemic I'm not sure it is that ridiculous?

You've downplayed your anxiety initially, and only later expanded on it to clarify that it's quite significant OCD. With that lens on, these statements could take a different tone:

If you had OCD prior to the pandemic, I can only imagine how difficult the past 9 months have been for you. How much time would say you spend in a day on thoughts and behaviours related to anxiety and OCD?

I try to just take swift, common sense actions to remove or reduce risk. I basically try to keep my flat 'clean' so that I don't need to think at all about the virus when I'm at home, and that means removing my shoes at the door, hanging coat up at the door and immediately washing my hands before I touch anything. I wash my hands after accepting a parcel or food delivery, wipe down my groceries and anything from 'outside'. This way I feel safe and I know that nothing in my home is contaminated, and I can relax. I feel very stressed at Dave's house, because he doesn't wash his hands after accepting parcels, answering the door, or sometimes even coming in from the shop, so I never feel comfortable. I'm very aware every time I open the fridge that it's likely he touched the shop door that thousands of people have touched, and then came home and opened the fridge.

Is this excessive?

Now, I don't for a moment want to appear like I'm suggesting that it's all your fault, because I'm not and I'm sure he has behaved very poorly at times as well. But mental health is a huge factor in the dynamics at play. How do you think it feels for Dave when you push him away after sex, for instance?

Yes I know. I think it's very complex. I don't actually push him away after sex, but I'll lie in a way that means our genitals won't be touching, and it's very obvious to him that I'm doing it, and he gets angry about me being 'ruled by fear', for example.

To be honest, I think a lot of your confusion is coming from the fact that you're not seeing the situation through Dave's eyes at all. You've given loads of examples of how you've put your wishes and needs ahead of his, and where you haven't given him what he has asked for, and yet don't seem to understand why the relationship isn't working. You've not said a single thing that indicates that you understand what it might be like for Dave being in a relationship with someone with OCD and who seems to view the relationship as simply 'better than being alone'.

Do you actually want to be with him, or are you just scared of being alone?

If nothing else, please speak to your GP or a mental health practitioner about overcoming your OCD. You've said you've lost more than one relationship over it, so it's clearly something that is massively impacting your life.

Yep, I do understand. But it's a bit more complex than that, I think...if he asks me to leave him alone and not see him, that seems like quite a cold and cruel thing to do to something in the middle of a pandemic and lockdown. A lot of the way he talks to me is very, very cold. I feel like maybe if he phrased things better and was clearer, I wouldn't get as anxious as I do? Something like 'I love you and I want a future with you but I'm struggling a bit with this...please don't make any plans...let me come to you' would have been much more reassuring than the hot/cold stuff he was doing....acting as if it was grand to see him and then being all grumpy and irritable.

I do want to be with him, yes. When he's on form, he's great craic, super intelligent, very kind, thoughtful. He's very good looking and the sex stuff has been great. I just can't handle the grumpiness, the coldness and the meanness, and it's hard to know how much of it is in response to my own behaviour and how much is just 'him'.

laserlad2010 · 26-10-2020 03:43PM

Important to remember here that OP, like all humans, is downplaying her own faults and playing up his.

Whilst you've described his actions as exhausting, I can emphatically state that you also sound exhausting to be with.

Try not to listen to people who say that they tolerate every single one of their partners issues 24/7 365. They're lying to themselves or to you.

The reality is that people are not perfect, and will snap at each other and find each other exhausting and irritating.
It seems here that this man does not have a bottomless well of patience, or rather does not have the required patience to support and to help you (to me it seems that well needs to be very deep). Therefore you might be better off seeking out someone who does have that.

It must be very hard to have the issues that you have, and you have my sympathies. I have been the partner to someone who has anxiety, and I can tell you that his behaviour is understandable and often not the evil manipulation that the usuals on here would have you think.

He's only human, not a saint.

LegacyUser · 26-10-2020 09:27PM

bitofabind wrote: »

OP on reading your updates I think the biggest issue here is you're not getting the help you need for your anxiety and it's massively impacting on 1. your ability to cope and 2. your relationship.

You can't seem to cope on your own at all. "Dave" is a crutch for you because you're so overwhelmed at thoughts of being alone, how will you manage, what will you do. Heightened no doubt by the pandemic. It's no surprise that an anxious/avoidant push pull dynamic would grow from that, where he pulls away because he can't handle it and you lean in further because your anxiety gets worse.

It's not so much that I can't cope on my own, but that I can't cope with having a partner who pulls away from me and needs so much alone time. Pretty much any time I've tried to lean on him, he just hasn't been able to deal with it, and that includes very early on, before the pandemic.

I have a lot of family drama going on at the moment, including a severely mentally ill brother who is causing all kinds of hurt and problems for my elderly parents, and he just doesn't seem to have any empathy for my situation at all. I was woken up at 7 in the morning while staying at Dave's house before Christmas, and my brother screamed abuse at me down the phone and told me he was going to kill himself and it would all be my fault for not texting him back, and Dave just didn't seem to get why that upset me. He said 'why don't you just block him?', as if that would stop it weighing on my mind and worrying me. Dave comes from a very stable middle class family and he just doesn't seem to understand the constant strain that comes with a dysfunctional family full of mental illness.

It's not Dave's job to save you. It's not your friends' job to save you. Or your mother's job either. Only you are responsible for yourself and your mental health. A support network is of course really important, but not the entire basis of how you get by and survive your day to day. That's down to you.

I feel like I just don't have a support network, that's the thing. I have no-one else to see in person around here, and I already spend 95% of my time completely alone. I feel like I was asking for that 5% from Dave and he couldn't even give me that. I'd mention to friends or my mam how low I was feeling and they all said 'but sure, is Dave not with you?' They seemed to think it would be normal for us to be spending most of our time together - he couldn't even hack more than one day a week without being grumpy and feeling like I was overwhelming him. And yeah, the more he pulled away, the stronger I came on because I felt like he was abandoning me, and it ended up in a horrible cycle.

At the moment you are massively acting out as the thought of being on your own is intolerable and feels like death to you. This is what you need to work on because it's the biggest trigger for your anxiety and is giving you no inner peace or capability to cope at all. I know because this was me once. I did a lot of therapy and scoffed when my counsellor constantly said to me, "everything that you need is within you." However it's proved to be the single best belief I've ever introduced in my life and has helped me to feel safe on my own, in my body and in my mind. If the sh1t hits the fan, I'll be fine because I know how to give myself the compassion and reassurance that I need. Single or not single, pandemic or no pandemic.

You need these coping mechanisms. When you have them, you won't stay in relationships that aren't right out of fear, or look to others to get your needs met. Do you have a therapist? Or have you been to the GP about your anxiety? I think it's crucial that you start there.

I think you may have a point here, yes. It's funny because most people would see me as being extremely independent. I've done all sorts of things most people would never do as a lone woman, all sorts of travelling around the world, moving abroad on my own, sometimes to some really dodgy places. I just can't cope with the idea of literally having nobody to lean on when things are tough. I don't think it's even natural for a human to be in this position of having no-one.

I do have a therapist and I do what I can to try to soothe the anxiety, stuff like running, other exercise, meditation and so on, but it doesn't seem to be helping the relationship issues.

cj maxx · 26-10-2020 09:32PM

Op , run don’t walk away. Yes you have your own issues but he isn’t helping .
This is gaslighting definition

https://www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-relationships/communication/gaslighting-what-are-signs-and-how-can-it-be-addressed

If you think this is what he’s doing it’s better to realise it I think. He doesn’t sound good for you.

karlitob · 26-10-2020 09:44PM

cj maxx wrote: »

Op , run don’t walk away. Yes you have your own issues but he isn’t helping . This is gaslighting

https://www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-relationships/communication/gaslighting-what-are-signs-and-how-can-it-be-addressed

If you think this is what he’s doing it’s better to realise it I think. He doesn’t sound good for you.

There it is.

A man can’t have his own feelings, His own emotional needs or wants. He must be gaslighting.

Brilliant!

Boyfriend's hot and cold behaviour

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