I would love to hear your advice. I really need it!

jdkmcd2019 · 21-10-2020 07:13PM #1

Hi guys, I would love to hear some advice from you as I don’t know where to turn to.
Ok so I’m 23 and have a 1 year old baby boy, Iv just lost my mum to cancer she was 42 and she was my whole life I quit my job to care for her for the past year and a half all while becoming a new mum! I’m also so glad I did as tough as it was. In the past 6 and a half years iv lost my daughter(to a previous relationship) at birth, my grandmother who was also my everything and a big loss to me, my little 2 year old cousin and now my mother. It’s been pretty ****. I’m now in a unhappy and unhealthy relationship. Iv been with him for the past 5 years, (we had a break for 6 months) The reason we had a break 3 years ago was after the death of my grandmother, he wasn’t supportive, never asked how I was, very selfish, didn’t speak nice to me. Now I feel the same way again, it’s been like this since my mum got sick a year and a half ago. But it’s really getting to me now, I feel like he should be there for me, ask me how I am, make sure I’m ok etc but he doesn’t , all he does is shout at me for stupid things, put me down, gives out about house work not being done and house being a mess, gives out about my parenting, Iv just lost my mother and it hard for me to even get out of bed some mornings. I feeling like this is just too much for me, I have told him how I felt 1000 times he keeps saying things will change and when it comes around to the weekend when he is home nothing ever does. I am a lot happier during the week when he is away at work. But I’m also so so scared to end the relationship. I don’t know if I could handle a break up and loosing my mum all at once, I don’t have a great support system as it is. ? And also just to add when we previously broke up after the death of my grandmother(I ended it) I was deveatated and so heartbroken and really wanted him back, he went back to his ex girlfriend and this just ripped my heart apart. I’m scared to feel like this again. I’m scared I won’t be able to deal with it all again. Especially now after loosing my beautiful mum. But I also can’t listen to the constant putting me down and negativity towards me. My self esteem has gotten so low in the last few years. I’m just feeling very low . Anyone have any advice for me ??? I would love to hear it . Thank you

bertiebomber · 21-10-2020 07:46PM

Find a friend go to a mums & babies group virtually maybe mumsnet and seek out sisters to build you up. You are in the depths of grief and its a long journey you need support from strangers if you dont have it at home. Your partner sounds very selfish and angry he has a lot of his own issues it looks like. Poor you & 6 weeks of lockdown you can mix with one family so put an add in your local supermarket asking for a friend to walk the babies out with see if anyone responds.

Hannibal_Smith · 21-10-2020 09:21PM

I'm so sorry to read all you've gone through. You did such a wonderful thing looking after your mum and she was lucky to have you.

You need support. You need help in grieving for all the losses you've suffered and in dealing with your relationship. Make an appointment with your GP and talk to them about what you've posted here. You know your boyfriend isn't right for you. He's making you feel worse and you're right he should be comforting you through your grief.

One thing at a time though. Start with your GP and get the support you need and go from there.

SmallgirlBigcity · 21-10-2020 09:47PM

I'm really sorry to hear of your recent loss. You've had such a tough time. I was with a guy for almost 7 years and he sounds very similar to your boyfriend. He put me down a lot and my self esteem was so low. He would flip out for no reason and while he never hit me, he was quite aggressive. Time and time again I told him to change and he would promise he would but he never did. These types of people rarely change and to be honest, towards the end he did try to change but it was too late. I didn't love him anymore, the damage was done.

You are so so young and you deserve to be happy. I would definitely advise you to leave him. Seeking out mothers groups is such good advice too. Meeting other mothers, online or for walks in the park can really help. You might be afraid of being alone, worried that you might not find anyone else but I promise that you will, especially at your young age.

Now that I'm in a happy relationship, I can't believe I stayed with my ex for so long. I can't believe I was worried about being alone and that nobody else would want to be with me. I was so wrong. You deserve to be happy. I hope this helps and good luck.

ILoveYourVibes · 24-10-2020 05:59AM

jdkmcd2019 wrote: »

Anyone have any advice for me ??? I would love to hear it . Thank you

Hi OP i am sorry for your losses.

I don't know if i have enough life experience to help you. I mean i haven't gone through nearly what you have.

I think you are amazing.

The first thing i would think of is your mindset. You have to get into a positive mindset and a place of good self esteem.

You also need to start building up a support network around you. It can be through agencies or friends , family etc.

You can search online for agencies that help.

Write down a list of names and numbers that you feel you could consider a network.

You have to build up your mental strength until you actually really feel that you can take on everything. So you have to get your mindset into THAT space.

Mums and baby groups gps etc. Great ideas.

Get into a really strong powerful mindset. Then decide what to do from there. I hope you leave him though.

Big Bag of Chips · 24-10-2020 11:36AM

jdkmcd2019, you are going through (and have been going through) an horrendous time over the past few years.

This will have been made all the tougher by having to also deal with constant negativity and belittling comments from your partner. He is not a good person. If he was he wouldn't feel the need to be so nasty to you. This isn't new behaviour from him. This isn't work pressure or stresses due to your mam being ill. This is who he has always been. You broke up with him previously because of this type of behaviour. He acknowledges what he's doing is not right, yet he continues to do it.

It will be difficult for you. It will take a lot of inner strength but your life would be so much more relaxed if he wasn't in it. Your child won't grow up listening to their dad telling their mam, constantly, how sht she is. You will have the space, time and comfort to grieve your losses properly.

You will no doubt miss the familiarity of the relationship, but if you're honest you won't miss the relationship itself. You admit that you enjoy your life during the week when he's not around. That easy-going, relaxed atmosphere could be your life all the time. It would be better for you and it would be better for your baby.

As for being upset that he went back to his ex, don't be. Think of all the nasty things about him. The lazy, selfish attitude. The lack of affection. That's who he is. And that's what he brought to her! If anything you should feel sorry for her that she accepted that.

But, you are now her. He broke up with her and went back to his ex (you!) and brought all that horribleness back with him. He is lazy and selfish. He's even lazy and selfish in his choice of partners - deciding to stay sniffing around exes rather than moving on to someone different. Probably because he knows from past history that he can behave like a dick and these exes will tolerate it. He can't be sure a new gf would put up with that.

Take your time, put your plans in place. Maybe try find yourself a counsellor, or bereavement counsellor. This relationship is unlikely to last the distance, but it doesn't have to end this weekend. Get yourself together. Get your own supports in place by way of a counsellor or group that can make you feel stronger about yourself and when the time is right for you, you will make the decision that is right for you.

You are so young, have so much of your life ahead of you, and have already been through so much. You are much tougher than you feel right now. And you will be OK.

JustAThought · 31-10-2020 11:40AM

It all sounds just tragic - you were 16 when you were first pregnant, have been with this negative man since, and dealt with three huge tragic losses. I am so sorry to read your post OP. You are too young to be in a huge relationship mess like this. There are organisations such as womens aid that can advise and practically help
you.

TBH I’d be worried that if you have been with this man for so long that you have been sexually groomed, sexually exploited and sexually and emotionally abused and possibly don’t even recognise it. They also offer emergency accommodation to women who need to get away from busive or controlling partners and help in getting long term accommodation away from someone who they feel
they cannot deal with anymore because of emotional abuse, violence or relationship despair. I’d Lso give their helpline a call to talk. They can also suggest support networks or support
organisations in your area or help put you in contact with the resources and people you need.

I’m very sorry for the loss of your mother and the situation you find yourself in. You are too young to have to be dealing with all of this. You should be out laughing with school and college friends and excited about young love and your future. xx

screamer · 31-10-2020 11:52AM

I’m very sorry for your losses.
I am conscious that we only get one side of the story in this forum so it’s hard to give advice, but from personal experience of family, I’ve seen cases before where family were gravely ill or needed minding and it all fell to one person, which put far too much strain on the relationship and the end result was that they split up. It does happen, much as we’d all like to say everyone should get the support they need, families can be selfish and some partners just can’t take being sidelined for so long. It’s interesting that he went back to his ex also, did you ever talk to him to ask him why that happened? I’d say if you love him and want to try to make it work, you probably both need some help both individually and as a couple to see if you can both work through things. If you want out, then that’s pointless and you should start to look into what your options are to be financially independent and what supports may be available to you.
Best of luck to you, mind yourself

Psychiatric Patrick · 02-11-2020 01:33PM

OP, I hope you found someplace to say and got away from that person

Hope you are doing well

I would love to hear your advice. I really need it!

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