Dating - “Not exclusive”

Heat_Wave · 03-10-2020 09:47PM #1

Female, 30.

I started dating a guy 2 months ago, we’ve met about 7/8 times, and whilst we were lying in bed together, I asked him if he had slept with anyone else since we began dating and he told me that he has. He didn’t like me asking and he told me that we weren’t exclusive and that he would never ask me this question.

I understand that we are not exclusive and that he is entitled to date/do what he wants with other women, but I found this really disheartening and upsetting to hear. I acted as though I didn’t mind and that I was totally cool with it, but I actually had a little cry over it today when I arrived home to my own place.

Based on my own experience, if I really like a guy, I focus on him. I have no interest in going onto the apps when I like someone. Are men not like this?

I’d appreciate any advice as I’m unsure how to act around him now, or if I’ll even be comfortable in his company again. I’m also conscious that I might find myself in this exact position again with a different guy in the future.

Thanks for reading :-(

hedzball · 03-10-2020 09:54PM

Heat_Wave wrote: »

Female, 30.

I started dating a guy 2 months ago, we’ve met about 7/8 times, and whilst we were lying in bed together, I asked him if he had slept with anyone else since we began dating and he told me that he has. He didn’t like me asking and he told me that we weren’t exclusive and that he would never ask me this question.

I understand that we are not exclusive and that he is entitled to date/do what he wants with other women, but I found this really disheartening and upsetting to hear. I acted as though I didn’t mind and that I was totally cool with it, but I actually had a little cry over it today when I arrived home to my own place.

Based on my own experience, if I really like a guy, I focus on him. I have no interest in going onto the apps when I like someone. Are men not like this?

I’d appreciate any advice as I’m unsure how to act around him now, or if I’ll even be comfortable in his company again. I’m also conscious that I might find myself in this exact position again with a different guy in the future.

Thanks for reading :-(

7 or 8 times in 2 months?? Thats basically a day every week.. that kind of is dating.. I appreciate he was honest when you asked him.

If you like him then maybe broach the subject of a relationship.. but after 2 months if hes not all about you I'd be moving on tbh..

cj maxx · 03-10-2020 10:45PM

Personally If I was seeing someone every week , as you have , I would be exclusive and would expect the same.
You need to talk about are you just hooking up or seeing each other . ( not even in a big official way).

lucalux · 03-10-2020 11:27PM

I don't think it's healthy for anyone to assume exclusivity. Not these days.

You can decide whether you can go ahead with this guy based on this information now, but unless you have a conversation where both people say "i am not going to see other people/date/have sex with others" there's no obligation and no guarantee of their intentions

Purple Mountain · 03-10-2020 11:53PM

Gosh, it's such a minefield today, I'm not sorry to be past that.
I think you have every right to be hurt.
I understand people hooking up for casual sex or friends with benefits, we've all done it but if you're meeting a guy every week and you're in a sexual relationship, I'd consider it damn right disrespectful that he's involved with other people. What's wrong with plain old decency these days?
I really hope you were practicing safe sex, OP. You have to look after number 1 clearly.

Zebrag · 04-10-2020 12:16AM

Heat_Wave wrote: »

Female, 30.

I started dating a guy 2 months ago, we’ve met about 7/8 times, and whilst we were lying in bed together, I asked him if he had slept with anyone else since we began dating and he told me that he has. He didn’t like me asking and he told me that we weren’t exclusive and that he would never ask me this question.

I understand that we are not exclusive and that he is entitled to date/do what he wants with other women, but I found this really disheartening and upsetting to hear. I acted as though I didn’t mind and that I was totally cool with it, but I actually had a little cry over it today when I arrived home to my own place.

Based on my own experience, if I really like a guy, I focus on him. I have no interest in going onto the apps when I like someone. Are men not like this?

I’d appreciate any advice as I’m unsure how to act around him now, or if I’ll even be comfortable in his company again. I’m also conscious that I might find myself in this exact position again with a different guy in the future.

Thanks for reading :-(

You started seeing him 2 months ago and you've seen him 7-8 times throughout and slept together (I'm not judging) and he's admited to something you've asked. I call that honesty on his part. I'm not saying it's right or wrong. He was probably under the assumption that there's no "exclusivness", which I find it hard to believe as like you, I would be under the presumption that after a couple of months and seeing each other 7-8 times, It's basically dating as a couple.

The dating world these days is a whole new concept to me and I would be at a lost to where to start, never mind knowing if anything is set in stone so I'm basing this on what you've written. If there's other posters out there that think the opposite please let me know as I've been with my partner 10 plus years so I've no idea how it works.

I personally would take it up as him being honest and glad you found out, and asked now, rather than further down the line but I would also ask him what it is he actually wants from this? Is he looking for a relationship? Does he want anything serious?

If it's a case of "he just wants to take it slow and see how it goes" then honestly, I would tell him how you truly feel and that you're actually looking for something serious and you would rather not be under pressure of not knowing who he's with. It's not controlling but it's self dignity. I would feel very uncomfortable knowing someone I was seeing was also seeing other people. Actually, it shows that you're not one to sit around and wait until he's ready. You're worth more than that and you sound like you know what it is you want so hold your head up high and show him that if he wants you, he can but you're not going to be made a fool of either.

My only advice is, don't cry over this. As heart breaking as it feels, he will be doing you a huge favour if he tells you the opposite of what you want to hear but I do hope that his reaction to your question was a realisation on his part and that he knew he probably shouldn't of done it.

Good luck OP, keep smiling and hold your head high

jmlad2020 · 04-10-2020 12:26AM

Sounds like he has a lot of options. And your 2 month short relationship is in its early days. He was honest which is good.

To be honest the dating world is a mess these days, guys and girls included can be seeing countless people at any one time plus the dating app factor. It is just something we need to expect these days.. but not everyone is into that. Seems like you aren't the type.

I would suggest if you're relationship is going somewhere serious, you bring up the exclusive question and not just assume.. How he reacts to that will give you an honest signal to what his intentions are.

Good luck

04-10-2020 12:26AM

Seems like good timing to ask this question of him. 2 months in. I'm afraid it sounds like this relationship does not have a future unless you are looking for casual hookups given his frosty reaction. I'd bring it up again and if he's not willing to be exclusive, we'll you've got your answer. Unless you simply enjoy the physical side of things but it sounds like you want more.

As a side, guys aren't a different species. The idea that all men will think one way is wrong, just like how not all women are the same. Don't let this experience make you think all guys are like this.

Idle Passerby · 04-10-2020 05:47AM

I'd be pretty grossed out if I learned someone I was sleeping with was sleeping with others. I don't blame you being upset. But dating is so open to interpretation these days. That's why it's important to check where everyone's ideas of what's acceptable are before getting invested. If it was me Id probably not want to continue seeing him. But you'd need to have a chat to figure out whether it's something your content to put behind ye.

04-10-2020 07:45AM

Hey OP.

I’d feel pretty ****ty too. Yes he didn’t break any “rules”, but they are obviously in a completely different headspace than you.

Also, while honest in his response, “He didn’t like me asking”, sorry, after 8 dates, IMO, what is wrong with asking this. Also, if he was cool with sleeping with other women, if you had not had the “talk” yet, he should have initiated it

You were right to ask, your health and well-being is on the line. To be honest, if I had seen a woman 8 times, and they there sleeping with other men, I’d be ending that quick and not looking back at all. Call me old fashioned.

Good luck OP, take care

suicide_circus · 04-10-2020 09:32AM

If i'm seeing someone once a week, i dont think exclusivity is a particularly big ask - especially during a pandemic (and no i'm not particularly fastidious about lockdown compliance). If he's still sleeping with other people after 8 weeks i doubt he has any serious intentions toward you.

completedit · 04-10-2020 09:36AM

That's rotten; don't get how you could be meeting up with someone for 2 months, banging and then be like nah, we ain't exclusive.

Our society is going down the toilet. I'm male btw

osarusan · 04-10-2020 10:47AM

Forgetting all about the 'official and exclusive chat' for now, you've been seeing this guy for a couple of months and are sleeping together, and he's still sleeping with others.

You felt there was enough there to go exclusive, he didn't.

lucalux · 04-10-2020 12:48PM

suicide_circus wrote: »

If i'm seeing someone once a week, i dont think exclusivity is a particularly big ask - especially during a pandemic (and no i'm not particularly fastidious about lockdown compliance). If he's still sleeping with other people after 8 weeks i doubt he has any serious intentions toward you.

I agree fully that it's not a big ask, but no one asked if you get me.

I don't think it's great that this is the way 'dating' is today, but I see it as a lesson to be learned for those who are in the dating scene to accept that this is the norm for a lot of people. Multi-dating they call it

Men and women do it equally as far as I see, and the only way to work with that is to accept that that's the reality and have the conversation with the person you are seeing.

It doesn't have to be a 'big thing' but two adults should be able to say we're not dating/sleeping with others while we see how this goes.
Anyone on your wavelength will understand, anyone who isn't, isn't the person for you.

Sonic the Shaghog · 04-10-2020 01:04PM

I'm a man and I'm not sleeping with a woman if she's shagging other men

I can understand meeting up with others for dates in that first 3/4/5 date period but if I'm meeting her for a 4/5 date I'd be at the I like this one and want to concentrate on and not hurt her stage so other women would be told in seeing someone at the moment

I really really hate this "we aren't exclusive" so I can do what I want. Yes I get the multi dating early stage but I find if you've moved on to the sleeping with stage and their still at it with others then frankly it's just a handy excuse for selfish people to keep sleeping around and then hold their hands up offended with a "hey we aren't exclusive yet"

Its one of the worst things of imported US culture

lainey_d_123 · 04-10-2020 01:27PM

completedit wrote: »

That's rotten; don't get how you could be meeting up with someone for 2 months, banging and then be like nah, we ain't exclusive.

Our society is going down the toilet. I'm male btw

Yep.

OP, he's treating you like a free prostitute. He's getting regular sex from you and all his other fcukbuddies, all for free, with zero obligations, and he's so ignorant and entitled that he can't even reply kindly to your very reasonable question about whether you're exclusive. It's very much your business who else he's sleeping with, unless you enjoy visits to the STI clinic.

Why are you tolerating this? What are you getting out of it?

completedit · 04-10-2020 02:49PM

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

Yep.

OP, he's treating you like a free prostitute. He's getting regular sex from you and all his other fcukbuddies, all for free, with zero obligations, and he's so ignorant and entitled that he can't even reply kindly to your very reasonable question about whether you're exclusive. It's very much your business who else he's sleeping with, unless you enjoy visits to the STI clinic.

Why are you tolerating this? What are you getting out of it?

Obviously he's hung like a horse

Hannibal_Smith · 04-10-2020 03:12PM

Mod Note

CompletedIt, offer advice to an OP when replying to a thread, or refrain from posting.

Thanks

HS

Addle · 04-10-2020 03:51PM

You acted as though you didn’t mind, how is he meant to know any different OP?
I don’t think it’s respectful behaviour, but he’s been straight with you. You haven’t been straight with him.
You missed an obvious opportunity to start the conversation. You may not like the outcome, but you have to have a chat with him about it.

eaglach · 04-10-2020 04:49PM

I'd be in two minds about this. Personally I would hope that whoever I was seeing was exclusive with me, despite it not being explicitly said. If I found out he was seeing someone else I'd be upset, but I would have no reason to judge.

Everyone's different. He technically didn't do anything wrong. His approach to dating differs to yours and you have to decide whether you can live with that. I wouldn't read into it too much. If you're looking to become exclusive and you think you're both ready, you should ask him.

A good friend of mine was dating two women for two months before becoming exclusive with one of them. He had feelings for both of them, but ultimately he made a decision to go exclusive with one who he has since married, so it doesn't necessarily reflect poorly on the future of your "relationship".

JustAThought · 04-10-2020 05:04PM

eaglach wrote: »

I'd be in two minds about this. Personally I would hope that whoever I was seeing was exclusive with me, despite it not being explicitly said. If I found out he was seeing someone else I'd be upset, but I would have no reason to judge.

Everyone's different. He technically didn't do anything wrong. His approach to dating differs to yours and you have to decide whether you can live with that. I wouldn't read into it too much. If you're looking to become exclusive and you think you're both ready, you should ask him.

A good friend of mine was dating two women for two months before becoming exclusive with one of them. He had feelings for both of them, but ultimately he made a decision to go exclusive with one who he has since married, so it doesn't necessarily reflect poorly on the future of your "relationship".

whatever about funding yourself in a 2 hot &
lovely women mess not being able to decide, sleeping with them both ( or with one and ‘just’ dating the other ) is just having your cake aNd eating it and IMO is morally a bit deceptive. However, people are different and have different values and at least he was very honest when you asked him. You could have picked your time and location a bit better!!!

IMO OP has muddied the waters by pretending she dosn’t care when it is clearly important to her. I’d suggest a non confrontational review with him ( not in bed just aFter having had sex!! ) and say you’d been thinking about it and you’d rather not be sleeping with someone who is not exclusive to
you and suggest he review where it is going etc. AFAYK you could be the Thursday girl, he could have 2 others on the go and still be sleeping around on other apps/ picking up casual ****s anytime anyone is willing or availible. I assume you don’t waNt to be just one of his rides even if he likes you and you like him? Apart from the disposability of you there is a quesTion of how many partners he has, and hs had in the past 1/2/3 years & whether he and they are all practising safe sex - STI’s/condoms every time - and the likliehood of catching Covid from him/ them/ anyone they have also had sex or close contact with. More than all of that it’s just a bit too casual - isn’t a relationship with sex supposed to mean a closeness and desire just to be
with that person - not a conveyor belt of rides and availability with zero commitment or full
emotional and commitment connection to grow into something fuller and more long term. Sure we can all lose the run of ourselves and sleep
with someone soon after first meeting them but there is somewhere the assumption that if you fall
madly for someone and are meeting them as often as possible for hot steamy contact that it means something and you are the only hot steamy babe on the menu !!

lainey_d_123 · 04-10-2020 06:43PM

eaglach wrote: »

I'd be in two minds about this. Personally I would hope that whoever I was seeing was exclusive with me, despite it not being explicitly said. If I found out he was seeing someone else I'd be upset, but I would have no reason to judge.

Everyone's different. He technically didn't do anything wrong. His approach to dating differs to yours and you have to decide whether you can live with that. I wouldn't read into it too much. If you're looking to become exclusive and you think you're both ready, you should ask him.

A good friend of mine was dating two women for two months before becoming exclusive with one of them. He had feelings for both of them, but ultimately he made a decision to go exclusive with one who he has since married, so it doesn't necessarily reflect poorly on the future of your "relationship".

I can't imagine how low your self esteem would need to be to be sleeping with a man who also had another woman on the go, hoping you're the one who is 'picked'. Very, very sad if you ask me.

From the fella's answer, it doesn't sound like she is likely to get 'picked' anytime soon anyway. In my experience, if a man likes you, he wants to make things exclusive ASAP, not risk the thought of you still sleeping with other men. Any time someone has been interested in me, they've pulled out all the stops to make me an official girlfriend, and if they didn't, I wouldn't have much interest. Would rather be single than one of many options, and it sounds like OP isn't much of a fan of being treated like that either.

Heat_Wave · 04-10-2020 06:57PM

OP here.

I appreciate all the different perspectives on this (majority against his actions) and I have decided to move on. He texted me today to ask how I am and I deleted his number without responding.

Knowing he has been sleeping with myself and multiple other women for the past two months has really churned my stomach. If he ‘really’ liked me, I’d imagine he would focus on me, as I have focused on him.

Anyway it was probably a blessing in disguise, as there were a few other behaviours which I did not like. Better finding out now than later down the line.

Addle · 04-10-2020 07:13PM

Good on you OP, but maybe let him know why rather than just ghost him.

Heat_Wave · 04-10-2020 07:18PM

Addle wrote: »

Good on you OP, but maybe let him know why rather than just ghost him.

I was thinking this (as I hate ghosters!) but I don’t want to write an essay via text. I’m not sure what I would say, because as a previous poster said, I am quite confident that he will respond by being on the defence, saying we weren’t exclusive etc etc and that would annoy me more. I don’t want to get into a forth and back with him...

Faith · 04-10-2020 07:25PM

You don’t need to write an essay, but you can just say “hey, I’m good, thanks. Been reflecting on our conversation about exclusivity and it’s made me realize we were on different pages about what was happening between us. I think it’s for the best if we don’t see each again. All the best.”

Addle · 04-10-2020 07:26PM

Perfect

eaglach · 04-10-2020 07:29PM

Heat_Wave wrote: »

I was thinking this (as I hate ghosters!) but I don’t want to write an essay via text. I’m not sure what I would say, because as a previous poster said, I am quite confident that he will respond by being on the defence, saying we weren’t exclusive etc etc and that would annoy me more. I don’t want to get into a forth and back with him...

I would just say something along the lines of "I enjoyed the time we had together but I'm looking for someone with similar values...."

Ghosting is not a nice thing to do, and the guy didn't do anything wrong so would be unfair to leave him hanging.

completedit · 04-10-2020 09:05PM

Fair play OP. Don't think of it as you being lied or manipulated btw. The guy seems weird but can't hate the player; hate the game.

Purple Mountain · 04-10-2020 11:21PM

eaglach wrote: »

I would just say something along the lines of "I enjoyed the time we had together but I'm looking for someone with similar values...."

Ghosting is not a nice thing to do, and the guy didn't do anything wrong so would be unfair to leave him hanging.

I wouldn't mention anything about values but I would contact him for closure for both of you, plus it's just mannerly. You don't want to run into him in a month and be awkward either.
Mary Berry hit nail on head above with response.

ILoveYourVibes · 05-10-2020 05:43AM

OP you should stop sleeping with him.

If he wants to sleep with others while just dating fine. He can do that.

This is why i dont like to sleep with guys for a few months.

Dating - “Not exclusive”

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