Broke up with girlfriend but now I want her back

Tork · 10-08-2020 11:53PM

She's not exactly falling over herself to meet up with you, which makes me wonder what she's at. Maybe she's indulging in some mind games of her own and doesn't want to appear to be too eager. On the other hand, she might not be sure she wants a reconciliation or to meet up with you. I wouldn't go blocking her just yet but the longer this drags out, the more I think you should just move on.

Hannibal_Smith · 11-08-2020 06:20AM

OP, I think I'm in the minority here, but I don't think you're overthinking at all. In fact the whole reason you're putting so much thought into it, I imagine, is to manage your response so you don't follow with any knee jerk reaction.

Again, going very much against other sentiments here, but you were 2 and a half months in to your now 7 month relationship. I'm old school, where there was no talk of exclusivity or anything like that. If you got on, you kept going out and while you were the rule was, you don't snog anyone else. Either way, if you believed you were at a stage where you thought you were both focused on each other and she snogged someone else, you're not wrong to have been hurt by that.

It's easy for the person in the wrong to say... Ah it was only a drunken snog. But that completely white washes any right to be angry that the other person naturally has.

It could be a case of, you made her sweat by having her wait until you decided and she's not going to make herself available just because you've decided some time later that you want to talk to her.

I wouldn't block her either. If you want to save face, blocking her just makes you look petty and immature. Just take a breath. It's in the front of your mind because you're scrambling to salvage something. Don't panic. Call a friend. Meet for a walk or go for a walk yourself, do something to take your mind off it. It will pass. If she contacts you like you say, grand if she doesn't... All you can do is work on moving on.

messy tessy · 11-08-2020 06:45AM

billythekid90 wrote: »

Just to clear up a couple of points. She hasn't deleted from me from social media. She's picking and choosing what she shows me and it's really confusing me. She's of course entitled to do what she wants, but my head is wrecked trying to figure out what it means.

Also in my eyes we were exclusive but we never exactly said the words and didn't think we needed to. I am willing to let the incident pass because it was a bit of a grey area. I'm afraid to ask her if she thought we were exclusive at the time because if she says yes then she willingly did it while exclusive

How do you know she was hiding social media posts from you? I went into my Instagram stories and can't see how someone would see if I blocked them? Maybe I am missing someone really obvious but maybe she was just quiet on social media?

If you are willing to let the incident pass then for your own sake you should stop analysing it to death! If she wants to meet up great, if not delete her number and move on.

LegacyUser · 11-08-2020 07:53AM

H8GHOTI wrote: »

Ah look, she might text you tomorrow, you just don’t know. She probably has a lot of the same feelings and thoughts you are having. I can’t say yes straight away, seem too eager, I’ll look weak etc....

Don’t make any rash decisions blocking her. You can hide her or take a break and she won’t know. A few days won’t make any difference. Your head is all over the place. Who knows how you’ll feel with a bit of time. You can block her next week, no rush.

Sorry that I'm only replying to some of you but I thought it too much to quote everyone. I had made the decision to block her if I didn't hear from her last night. This morning I went on to block her and noticed she had hidden her story from me again so that really let me know that I should move on.

I'm not blocking her out of spite, or to be petty or immature, but just to move on and not having to see her on my app the whole time.

messy tessy wrote: »

How do you know she was hiding social media posts from you? I went into my Instagram stories and can't see how someone would see if I blocked them? Maybe I am missing someone really obvious but maybe she was just quiet on social media?

If you are willing to let the incident pass then for your own sake you should stop analysing it to death! If she wants to meet up great, if not delete her number and move on.

As I say, yesterday I saw some of her stories and then I went into her profile this morning and saw that I couldn't see them any more. Her last story was a bit of a revealing photo of her which she didn't hide from me, but then hid after I had viewed it. I don't know if she's playing games or what, but I know I would keep checking up on her if her profile was still there on my phone.

She can still message me on WhatsApp if she wants, but I doubt she will now.

Oh and regarding the drunken kiss, she never made any excuses for it. She admitted she was wrong and didn't try and play it off and blame the alcohol.

LegacyUser · 13-08-2020 08:02AM

Just an update, for those of you that care!

She finally got back to me, but again there was a lack of enthusiasm in meeting. She said she had a lot going on as she had just quit her job and wasn't in the right frame of mind to meet and talk about what happened, but would like to meet to chat when everything is sorted out. It may be a genuine reason not to meet, but more than likely just fobbing me off so she doesn't have to talk about the breakup.

She even said that "if this is the last time we speak I'm truly sorry that it has to end", which doesn't sound like she's putting up much of a fight. I said to her that I don't think she feels the same about me as I do about her, especially as she wasn't asking for forgiveness or looking for a second chance. Told her it may be best if we just cut contact as I couldn't stay in touch with someone I still have strong feelings for.

All I got was silence so that may be it. Hard to come back from that now.

LilacNails · 13-08-2020 08:25AM

Actions speak louder than words. Judge by that.

Sorry op, it does sound like u care more about the relationship than she does.

It's not easy, but you will just have to move on with your life. It's life and a learning experience. Most people experience this kind of pain, that's the risk that's taken when you fall for someone, that it could turn into heartbreak.

Dust yourself down and start again. You don't need her. She sounds flaky and a bit immature.

Focus and work on yourself. You'll be ok.

osarusan · 13-08-2020 09:38AM

billythekid90 wrote: »

I said to her that I don't think she feels the same about me as I do about her, especially as she wasn't asking for forgiveness or looking for a second chance.

I don't know how you expected her to respond to that, or how you thought it would help things.

Anyway, sounds like it's over now.

LegacyUser · 13-08-2020 09:43AM

LilacNails wrote: »

Actions speak louder than words. Judge by that.

Sorry op, it does sound like u care more about the relationship than she does.

It's not easy, but you will just have to move on with your life. It's life and a learning experience. Most people experience this kind of pain, that's the risk that's taken when you fall for someone, that it could turn into heartbreak.

Dust yourself down and start again. You don't need her. She sounds flaky and a bit immature.

Focus and work on yourself. You'll be ok.

Thanks. I feel like I've been giving a lot of 'concessions' and making all the effort but getting nothing in return. I know if I had been dumped by someone I cared about I'd try everything and anything to win her back.

I need to look at the behaviour and not focus so much on the words.

osarusan wrote: »

I don't know how you expected her to respond to that, or how you thought it would help things.

Anyway, sounds like it's over now.

I wasn't expecting her to respond or for it to help things. I just wanted to make the point that I didn't think her heart was in it. Maybe it was a stupid thing to say, I don't know. At that point I knew it was over so it didn't really matter what I said, I wasn't going to get her back.

laserlad2010 · 13-08-2020 09:44AM

osarusan wrote: »

I don't know how you expected her to respond to that, or how you thought it would help things.

Anyway, sounds like it's over now.

Yeah look for future reference OP that really didn't portray you in a good light - it made you seem really petty IMHO.

Throughout this entire saga you have failed to allow her the independence that you want for yourself. You demanded that she be distraught and devastated over the breakup, which she was initially, but your behaviour subsequently - the texting, the requests to meet - have probably convinced her that you're more trouble than you're worth.

You're in your late twenties - use this experience to mature a bit more. If you break up with someone and regret it, say so. Be honest and then give them the choice of deciding whether they want to be with you again - or not.

Tork · 13-08-2020 09:58AM

Maybe his choice of words wasn't the best but a break-up was inevitable once it became obvious she wasn't pushed about meeting him for a clear the air chat. Maybe the relationship would've hit the buffers long ago if lockdown hadn't started and put an end to a lot of socialising.

LegacyUser · 13-08-2020 10:41AM

laserlad2010 wrote: »

Yeah look for future reference OP that really didn't portray you in a good light - it made you seem really petty IMHO.

Throughout this entire saga you have failed to allow her the independence that you want for yourself. You demanded that she be distraught and devastated over the breakup, which she was initially, but your behaviour subsequently - the texting, the requests to meet - have probably convinced her that you're more trouble than you're worth.

You're in your late twenties - use this experience to mature a bit more. If you break up with someone and regret it, say so. Be honest and then give them the choice of deciding whether they want to be with you again - or not.

Really? Now I feel awful. I thought by saying that it would give her a clear reason why I wanted to break contact. It wasn't meant to be petty at all, just that I didn't get the impression that she wanted to pursue things.

I'm going to message her again to clarify what I meant and apologise. I really didn't want it to come across like that. This is what I actually sent to her to give a bit of context:

"I know you regret everything that happened and I don’t doubt it at all but with everything that came before and that you’re not asking for forgiveness or a second chance, I think the feelings are kind of one way. I may be totally wrong, but that’s the sense I’m getting. That’s life and I can’t judge you for that."

I feel like such a dope. I spend ages typing and retyping what I will say to her and still mess it up.

Hannibal_Smith · 13-08-2020 12:24PM

OP don't message her again. And stop picking over the bones of it. It sounds like it all ended amicably and to be fair., you've done nothing wrong here, but try to get your head around things.

It's ended now and so is the head wreck and the questioning. Work on moving on now.

LegacyUser · 13-08-2020 12:44PM

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

OP don't message her again. And stop picking over the bones of it. It sounds like it all ended amicably and to be fair., you've done nothing wrong here, but try to get your head around things.

It's ended now and so is the head wreck and the questioning. Work on moving on now.

Thanks. Yeah I felt pretty okay up until a couple of hours ago when I read that post. I thought I had left it nicely with her, but my mind went racing thinking I messed up with my wording.

I'm not going to message her. Damage is long done and it wouldn't serve me any benefit.

While I appreciate all the advice I've gotten here, next time I think I will skip making a thread. It makes me second guess everything I've done, although it does help to get all my thoughts out.

Tork · 13-08-2020 12:44PM

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

OP don't message her again. And stop picking over the bones of it. It sounds like it all ended amicably and to be fair., you've done nothing wrong here, but try to get your head around things.

Agreed. I'm guilty of having played Devil's Advocate here, in order to try and see both sides. In the end, it is for the best that this ended. No matter how you slice and dice it, kissing someone else 2½ months into a relationship isn't cool. She knew it too and still does. I think most people would be upset and struggle to dismiss it as "only a kiss" that long into a relationship. That's before the cover-up started. Once the trust goes in a relationship, that's it really. I alluded to the lockdown in my previous post. I bet you'd have found it difficult to stop your mind wandering any time she went out with her friends without you around. That's what happens when you're let down like that.

Hannibal_Smith · 13-08-2020 01:54PM

billythekid90 wrote: »

Thanks. Yeah I felt pretty okay up until a couple of hours ago when I read that post. I thought I had left it nicely with her, but my mind went racing thinking I messed up with my wording.

I'm not going to message her. Damage is long done and it wouldn't serve me any benefit.

While I appreciate all the advice I've gotten here, next time I think I will skip making a thread. It makes me second guess everything I've done, although it does help to get all my thoughts out.

When you post in PI, you will get a variety of advice. Some will suit you and some won't, but the majority of advice here is generally given with the best of intentions. However only you know which is applicable and workable for you. You don't have to twist yourself in knots trying to follow all of it, but something generally clicks and it helps you get your thoughts in order.

Trust yourself. You know you left it nicely with her, and her response was lovely too..from my reading anyway.

If you want to leave the thread there, I can close it for you if you want, but if you'd prefer it to leave it that's no problem.

SnowyMay · 13-08-2020 02:09PM

billythekid90 wrote: »

Really? Now I feel awful. I thought by saying that it would give her a clear reason why I wanted to break contact. It wasn't meant to be petty at all, just that I didn't get the impression that she wanted to pursue things.

I'm going to message her again to clarify what I meant and apologise. I really didn't want it to come across like that. This is what I actually sent to her to give a bit of context:

"I know you regret everything that happened and I don’t doubt it at all but with everything that came before and that you’re not asking for forgiveness or a second chance, I think the feelings are kind of one way. I may be totally wrong, but that’s the sense I’m getting. That’s life and I can’t judge you for that."

I feel like such a dope. I spend ages typing and retyping what I will say to her and still mess it up.

I'm sorry OP, and I feel for you as you do seem genuine in your emotions, but you were talking before about dropping this girl, and then waiting for yourself to calm down before taking her back, and now that she has taken this off of the table, you believe and forgive her.

It may not have been your intention but that is a head fcuk for somebody who doesn't know what is going on in your thought process.

Try and take this as a learning experience - your ex should not be kissing guys when she is with a potential partner, but you were pretty cold to her afterwards when you were in an actual relationship. Your behaviour seemed quite controlling and calculated.

But you'll both be fine.

bitofabind · 13-08-2020 03:43PM

Let's zoom out here a little. OP It's clear that you struggle with your confidence and that manifests in all of these behaviours, the over-thinking, second guessing, playing games with your ex instead of being honest, looking anywhere and everywhere except to your own instincts about what's right for you.

Try to learn a lesson from this because otherwise it's going to make dating a nightmare for you. You can't control other people, but you can control your own behaviours and learning how to communicate effectively, to align your words with your actions and to create the space you need to figure out what YOU want to do about a personal situation will stand you very well in your next relationship.

Do you have hobbies? I find exercise really helpful for this perspective, specifically long walks and vigorous workouts. I also write things down in my journal when I'm looking for clarity on things, and things like mindfulness meditation and therapy also help. Pick one or two and focus on building your confidence. Girls will come and go. Don't let this scatter-brained, head-melting process become the norm for you in your relationships. It really doesn't have to be this way.

LegacyUser · 14-08-2020 09:22AM

bitofabind wrote: »

Let's zoom out here a little. OP It's clear that you struggle with your confidence and that manifests in all of these behaviours, the over-thinking, second guessing, playing games with your ex instead of being honest, looking anywhere and everywhere except to your own instincts about what's right for you.

I don't think I have any confidence issues if I'm honest! Unless you mean confidence in my own gut instinct? That may be the case this time round, but I have called off relationships in the past because I wasn't convinced they were all that interested.

Also I never intentionally played any games with my ex. I wanted to be honest despite some advice from friends to go silent and wait for her to reach out. In the end I may have been too honest about my feelings for her.

Just when I thought this was all over and done with (which it kind of its), she messaged me last night. She said she never asked for forgiveness or a second chance because she didn't think she deserved it and that I made the right decision calling things off. She had to come to terms with it very quickly and try to move on because she saw no other way.

She said she wouldn't totally write off anything happening between us in the future, but can't see it happening any time soon. She said she won't delete or block my number so that either of us can reach out at anytime if we want to, but also understands if I want to cut ties completely.

I'll consider this a write off and will politely reply wishing her all the best. I'm not going to be hanging around waiting for that future text that may never come.

I know this is a bit of a saga, but just thought I'd keep you all updated!

leggo · 15-08-2020 07:32AM

Another big lesson to take from this is that a break-up isn’t a device to use in an argument to express heavy dissatisfaction, nor is it something you can just row back on and the other person will play ball if they ever cared about the relationship. On the other end of that is a person who cared about you and also put time into the relationship that you’ve now effectively banished from having a relationship with you anymore. Even if they were in the wrong, people don’t respond well to that. They have to then emotionally adjust and try get over you.

I think what happened here is that your ex did just that. That doesn’t mean they never cared or anything like that, just that they adjusted to the decision YOU made. And if you expect any different things start to get into emotionally abusive territory quickly.

I’m not saying you’re to blame for this but the only way you learn and grow from these things is to acknowledge and take responsibility for your own actions. Forget about her and what she did for now, your ties are cut and you don’t have business together anymore so it doesn’t matter what she is thinking or feeling and instead look at what you yourself can learn from this by pointing the mirror inward rather than at her.

LegacyUser · 15-08-2020 09:08AM

leggo wrote: »

Another big lesson to take from this is that a break-up isn’t a device to use in an argument to express heavy dissatisfaction, nor is it something you can just row back on and the other person will play ball if they ever cared about the relationship. On the other end of that is a person who cared about you and also put time into the relationship that you’ve now effectively banished from having a relationship with you anymore. Even if they were in the wrong, people don’t respond well to that. They have to then emotionally adjust and try get over you.

I think what happened here is that your ex did just that. That doesn’t mean they never cared or anything like that, just that they adjusted to the decision YOU made. And if you expect any different things start to get into emotionally abusive territory quickly.

I’m not saying you’re to blame for this but the only way you learn and grow from these things is to acknowledge and take responsibility for your own actions. Forget about her and what she did for now, your ties are cut and you don’t have business together anymore so it doesn’t matter what she is thinking or feeling and instead look at what you yourself can learn from this by pointing the mirror inward rather than at her.

The breakup was supposed to be just that - a breakup. It wasn't intended to be used as a device to show how upset I was with her. It was only the days afterwards when it all sank in that I was feeling regrets.

I think I came at this from my own perspective and what I'd do in that situation. I've been dumped before and I know if my ex came back to me at the time with even an inkling of second thoughts I'd do anything to try make it work. But that's just me and my own scenario and I know everyone behaves differently.

Maybe you're right and she did really care about me, but I think the fact that she hid it all from me and then continually lied about it put me in the mindset that she only cared about saving her own skin and not about how it would effect me. Everyone has been telling me to look at her actions, not her words and I think taking the view that she just wasn't that into me will help get past this.

I have cut ties with her, but have left it open if she ever wants to contact me in the future. I told her that I wouldn't ignore her if she ever wants to reach out, but at the same time it's unlikely that I will be the one to initiate contact. Not out of malice, but just so that I'm not clinging on to something that will likely never be.

rainbowtrout · 15-08-2020 09:09AM

billythekid90 wrote: »

Also I never intentionally played any games with my ex. I wanted to be honest despite some advice from friends to go silent and wait for her to reach out. In the end I may have been too honest about my feelings for her.

Actually you weren’t. In many of your posts you said that you wanted to meet to talk about getting back together. At no point did you tell her that. You just told her you wanted to meet. And she assumed she was going to be out through the ringer again. So she moved on. If she knew you wanted to get back with her, her response might have been different.

Sometimes you do have to be honest about what you want even if it ends up in rejection, in this case you’d have been no worse off as the relationship has to an end anyway.

leggo · 15-08-2020 09:54AM

But OP what you’re typing there is the lesson you’re disputing: you wanted to break up genuinely one day, then regretted it. The lesson is to account for that regret before you make your decision, to not make decisions based on emotions that’ll fade and change in days/weeks to come. Because that’s what’s cost you someone you like here. Some people will say stuff like “If it’s meant to be she should want you back too”, and sure, there’s some merit to that but it also completely discounts how **** it is to get broken up with and the emotions you force someone to go through when you do it.

For example, I remember years back an ex broke up with me after an argument in a relationship that had otherwise been going well. I told her at the time that I felt that it was an overreaction, that the fact she was doing it was hurting me deeply and that I wouldn’t be able to forgive what I knew she’d make me go through now if she had second thoughts (which I knew she would because it was such a rash move). Sure enough, she did. A few months later she came back and said everything I had wanted her to say in the immediate aftermath of the break up. But I wasn’t going to hear any of it because I remembered that pain she’d chosen to make me go through rather than working through things. I was MAD about this girl when we were together, that’s why it hurt so deeply when we weren’t, and I couldn’t forget that she was capable of doing that to me. The act of breaking up and causing that hurt counts a lot, I now didn’t feel safe getting back with her in case we had another argument and went through this again, and even her trying to promise me that wouldn’t happen rang hollow because emotions stick with you more than words.

I’m not even saying you did anything wrong or deliberately played a game, I fully believe that you meant the break up at first. It’s just that this is how we learn these things. So next time you’re in a relationship and you’re in a situation that upsets you, maybe remember this feeling now before you push the break-up button because all of that raw emotion fades in time.

H8GHOTI · 15-08-2020 10:26AM

billythekid90 wrote: »

...she hid it all from me and then continually lied about it...

Continually lied? How many times did you ask her? How long did you know about it before she admitted it?

Maybe I picked this up wrong. I was under the impression you confronted her as soon as you found out. She denied it and when you told her a friend told you, she said it was true. All in the one conversation.

You miss her now, it’s only natural. But did you ever think you might be better off without her? Meet someone else, that won’t cheat and lie.

Big Bag of Chips · 15-08-2020 11:01AM

You seem all over the place and don't really know what you want. You want her back, but you want her back only if she continues to be suitably at your mercy about her indiscretion. You want her back so you can be happy in a relationship, but you don't want to be too happy because you want her to be reminded that you're not happy with her.

You broke up. So that's the break. If you get back together, then you get back together with a clean slate. You get back together knowing what happened, but deciding to put it aside and move forwards. If I was her I would have zero interest in getting back with you only to be reminded regularly that you don't trust me and you want to keep reminding me that I messed up and you're being a stand up solid guy giving me a second chance to prove myself, but not wanting to let it go either because you want to make sure I know I can't get away with it...

Too much of a headwreck, OP. And if that girl was my friend I'd be advising her that this can't work. Not under those terms.

If you ask her back, you do so without pointing out to her that you don't trust her, or that she lied, or that you want her to know how much she hurt you etc etc etc. You ask her back and park that outside your relationship never to be revisited again. Or you move on. If you think you would not be capable of not reminding her every so often then just move on. You're not for each other.

LegacyUser · 15-08-2020 01:06PM

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

You seem all over the place and don't really know what you want. You want her back, but you want her back only if she continues to be suitably at your mercy about her indiscretion. You want her back so you can be happy in a relationship, but you don't want to be too happy because you want her to be reminded that you're not happy with her.

I certainly don't want her to be "at my mercy about her indiscretion". I'm not even sure what you're trying to suggest here. That I would bring it up at any opportunity to keep her in line or something? If that's what it is, you're way off the mark.

And the second part of that is just a silly thing to say. I'm not happy about what she did right now, and it's definitely too soon to get back together, but I wanted to talk about it to see if things could work in the future. I wasn't expecting everything to be rosey and happen immediately.

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

You broke up. So that's the break. If you get back together, then you get back together with a clean slate. You get back together knowing what happened, but deciding to put it aside and move forwards. If I was her I would have zero interest in getting back with you only to be reminded regularly that you don't trust me and you want to keep reminding me that I messed up and you're being a stand up solid guy giving me a second chance to prove myself, but not wanting to let it go either because you want to make sure I know I can't get away with it...

Too much of a headwreck, OP. And if that girl was my friend I'd be advising her that this can't work. Not under those terms.

Where is all this vitriol coming from? Obviously I would have to put it aside and forgive her. I never said otherwise. Why do you think I would be reminding her of what happened all the time? Where did I say that?

There'd be absolutely no point in us getting back together if I didn't trust her. At the moment the forgiveness isn't there because it's all still fresh in my mind. Maybe in time things will change, but I can't predict the future.

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

If you ask her back, you do so without pointing out to her that you don't trust her, or that she lied, or that you want her to know how much she hurt you etc etc etc. You ask her back and park that outside your relationship never to be revisited again. Or you move on. If you think you would not be capable of not reminding her every so often then just move on. You're not for each other.

Maybe I miscommunicated something seeing as how everything is being phrased here. I never intended to jump straight back into the relationship. I even said that I wanted to meet her a few times first to see if there's potential for trust to be regained as my head has been spinning with all that's been going on.

Right now the trust isn't there and that's why I've cut ties, maybe for good, who knows.

osarusan · 15-08-2020 02:05PM

OP, Some, advice I can give you is to consider that the way you went about getting her back was through a series of communications that have been interpreted by almost every poster on here in a way that is very different from how you apparently meant them to be interpreted. I would bear that in mind in future.

Big Bag of Chips · 15-08-2020 02:46PM

billythekid90 wrote: »

Obviously I would have to put it aside and forgive her. I never said otherwise. Why do you think I would be reminding her of what happened all the time? Where did I say that?

Here

billythekid90 wrote: »

I want to make the point to her that this is a big deal but not such a big deal that we can't work through this in time. At the same time I don't want to reach out to her first because I feel that would make me weak and make it seem that I accept that she can lie and get away with it.

And here

billythekid90 wrote: »

I said to her that she lied and truly hurt me and that I won't forget it.

I don't know where to go from here. I told her that she should be truthful with herself as to why it happened and try to get herself back on track.

I want to keep in touch but don't want to seem like I've forgotten about or forgiven what she's done.

And here

billythekid90 wrote: »

my worry is that she won't see lying as a big deal if I'm going back to her and asking to give it another go.

And kind of with this

billythekid90 wrote: »

What I want is to be in a trusting relationship with her. Being in a relationship is the easy part. Trusting her is much more difficult.

And here

billythekid90 wrote: »

I think the phrase "forgive but not forget" needs to come into play for a short while at least. I don't think I will let it go completely until I feel the trust is there again.

I think her last text to you was a soft good-bye. It's the equivalent of "we can still be friends". She doesn't want to get back with you. She knows it's not going to be good. She knows you can't get over the fact that she kissed a fella and didn't admit to it. She doesn't want to be in a relationship where you can "forgive but not forget" Nobody expects you to completely forget it ever happened, but by using that phrase it means that you will always have it in your mind. Not that you'll move on and not think about it regularly. So rather than tell you she doesn't want to be with you, she's telling you that she doesn't want to be with you now, but maybe in the future. The future will never come. Either she'll meet someone else or you will and this relationship will be bye-gones.

Your communication needs a bit of work. From what you posted yourself you wanted to be with her, but you didn't want her "getting away" with lying and thinking it wasn't a big deal.

Nobody is going to get back into a relationship with that hanging in the air.

ILoveYourVibes · 15-08-2020 06:02PM

You need to be friends first and talk it out maturely. None of this hide and seek on social media.

StringerBell · 15-08-2020 06:37PM

It's over, you take from it what you can use and cut away the rest.

From the very beginning she seemed quite content to leave things as they are, whether that is because it's what she was feeling the relationship was headed for anyway or whether the circumstances, or time to think and talk it over with friends led her to that conclusion I don't know.

I feel for you as I'm sure everyone here does and you will be okay, you will be great in fact. The key is to learn from the experience, you say you don't have much of it with relationships and everybody makes mistakes, she made at least two mistakes here both pretty big and you made one initially which was emotionally react without letting it sit for a few days before making big decisions. I think you've made other mistakes since but not going to give you a hard time for them. It's all a learning process.

I'd advise not contacting the woman in question again and not responding to any throwaway messages she may send in the near to medium future but you are obviously free to do as you wish. Unfollow her on social media also, it will only drag out the moving on process.

Best of luck, you will be great don't worry.

rainbowtrout · 15-08-2020 07:36PM

billythekid90 wrote: »

I certainly don't want her to be "at my mercy about her indiscretion". I'm not even sure what you're trying to suggest here. That I would bring it up at any opportunity to keep her in line or something? If that's what it is, you're way off the mark.

And the second part of that is just a silly thing to say. I'm not happy about what she did right now, and it's definitely too soon to get back together, but I wanted to talk about it to see if things could work in the future. I wasn't expecting everything to be rosey and happen immediately.

It's not really how real life happens. You don't get to meet up with her several times to see if you're interested in getting back together. You either are or you aren't. If you are, you get back together and at the start it might be a bit awkward, but spending time together eases that. Hanging out together but not being in a relationship is a no mans land.

billythekid90 wrote: »

Where is all this vitriol coming from? Obviously I would have to put it aside and forgive her. I never said otherwise. Why do you think I would be reminding her of what happened all the time? Where did I say that?

There'd be absolutely no point in us getting back together if I didn't trust her. At the moment the forgiveness isn't there because it's all still fresh in my mind. Maybe in time things will change, but I can't predict the future.

Actually you said on here and I can't be bothered to go back and quote the post that you would 'forgive but not forget'. If you go in with that mindset, you are looking for something to pick on, looking for something to criticise, whether you agree with it or not.

Things won't change because she's decided you're not worth the hassle. You were behaving all along like this was your sole decision. It's not. She gets a say in it too. She has decided she doesn't want to get back with you. You should heed what people are telling you here and learn from it.

billythekid90 wrote: »

Maybe I miscommunicated something seeing as how everything is being phrased here. I never intended to jump straight back into the relationship. I even said that I wanted to meet her a few times first to see if there's potential for trust to be regained as my head has been spinning with all that's been going on.

Right now the trust isn't there and that's why I've cut ties, maybe for good, who knows.

There was very little going on. She kissed someone when it wasn't clear whether you were in a relationship or not. You found out by some manner or other. She apologised for it. That's all that happened.

You never told her if you wanted to meet her a few times. You just told her you wanted to meet. What you communicated here was vastly different to what you told her. Also, the idea of meeting her a few times is just non committal. You're either going to give her a chance or you're not. She sensed that and ran for the hills.

Broke up with girlfriend but now I want her back

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