Broke up with girlfriend but now I want her back

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Here

And here

And here

And kind of with this

And here

I think her last text to you was a soft good-bye. It's the equivalent of "we can still be friends". She doesn't want to get back with you. She knows it's not going to be good. She knows you can't get over the fact that she kissed a fella and didn't admit to it. She doesn't want to be in a relationship where you can "forgive but not forget" Nobody expects you to completely forget it ever happened, but by using that phrase it means that you will always have it in your mind. Not that you'll move on and not think about it regularly. So rather than tell you she doesn't want to be with you, she's telling you that she doesn't want to be with you now, but maybe in the future. The future will never come. Either she'll meet someone else or you will and this relationship will be bye-gones.

Your communication needs a bit of work. From what you posted yourself you wanted to be with her, but you didn't want her "getting away" with lying and thinking it wasn't a big deal.

Nobody is going to get back into a relationship with that hanging in the air.

Sorry sorry sorry. Definite misunderstanding here! Clearly my communication does need work, on this forum here at least.

All those statements were intended before getting back together, not while I'm (hypothetically) with her. That's why I said "I want to keep in touch but don't want to seem like I've forgotten about or forgiven what she's done". I wanted to talk through things and see where her head was at while still being apart. It wasn't as though I wanted to get back with her straight away without trust being there. That would be horrible for both of us.

I also said about the "forgive and not forget" thing being around for a short while (i.e. before getting back together) - not forever. I don't think it's unreasonable to try and digest things first before trusting her, no?

Also you seem to be presenting a lot of assumptions as fact like shes actually telling me "she doesn't want to be with you". Your interpretation could very well be true but no one knows what she really means by what she says, only her. And just to add I never said any of those things to her so I don't know why she would perceive me that way, unless she reads this thread.

StringerBell wrote: »

It's over, you take from it what you can use and cut away the rest.

From the very beginning she seemed quite content to leave things as they are, whether that is because it's what she was feeling the relationship was headed for anyway or whether the circumstances, or time to think and talk it over with friends led her to that conclusion I don't know.

I feel for you as I'm sure everyone here does and you will be okay, you will be great in fact. The key is to learn from the experience, you say you don't have much of it with relationships and everybody makes mistakes, she made at least two mistakes here both pretty big and you made one initially which was emotionally react without letting it sit for a few days before making big decisions. I think you've made other mistakes since but not going to give you a hard time for them. It's all a learning process.

I'd advise not contacting the woman in question again and not responding to any throwaway messages she may send in the near to medium future but you are obviously free to do as you wish. Unfollow her on social media also, it will only drag out the moving on process.

Best of luck, you will be great don't worry.

Thanks for the kind words. Yes it seemed like she was happy to let this go. I can respect that but I can struggle with separating the words from the actions at times. When she said she really wanted to be with me I took that as fact but the behaviour said otherwise and I only realised afterwards.

I've said my final goodbyes to her, said I won't be reaching out and I've blocked her on social media. It all seems like a big ordeal now but I'm hoping in even a month's time of zero contact she'll only be a momentary thought in my day and I can fully move on.

Big Bag of Chips

OK, OP, we'll talk in hypotheticals seeing as that what seems to be going on here.

Just say, you decided you wanted to get back with her. Just not yet. You don't want to get back with her too quickly and let her think she got away with kissing a fella and not telling you/denying it. So, what...? You meet up with her a few times while she's still "on the naughty step". You assess whether or not you can forgive, forget, move on, trust her, whatever.

So his long does this assessment last? A month? 2?

But you're definitely not a couple at this point because you haven't decided if you're going to actually take her back yet. That will depend on whether she proves herself to you and proves you can trust her. But you're not a couple.

So, just say, in this situation, in this limbo/assessment period, she goes on a night out with her friends, as a single woman, not in a relationship with you, not guaranteed that you will ever get back together, and some fella chats her up. Would it be OK for her to kiss him? Sleep with him? Would she have to tell you she did? Would you expect her to tell you so that you know you can trust her to tell the truth? Or would you think in this period where you're not actually going out together, you're not even sure if you'll decide you want to get back with her, that she should not be with anyone else in an effort to prove to you (who may decide in the end not "forgive and forget" anyway) that you can actually trust her? Or would it be OK for her to be with someone and never tell you?

As rainbowtrout says, that's not how real life happens. If you're together, you're together. If you're broken up, it's over. You cannot ask her to wait around for an indeterminate length of time while you try figure out if you can forgive her, or if she has served enough "penance" to be allowed off that naughty step.

She knows what you are proposing isn't workable. It's a relatively short relationship and causing an awful lot of hassle. She has decided it's better for both of you to just draw a line and walk away. She's letting you down gently. If she wanted to be with you she would have said that. Instead she kicked the can down the road with a "maybe".

I know this is all irrelevant now as it appears the relationship is over, definitely. But maybe learn from this for future relationships. Deal in the here and now. Not in the uncertain future.

rainbowtrout

billythekid90 wrote: »

All those statements were intended before getting back together, not while I'm (hypothetically) with her. That's why I said "I want to keep in touch but don't want to seem like I've forgotten about or forgiven what she's done". I wanted to talk through things and see where her head was at while still being apart. It wasn't as though I wanted to get back with her straight away without trust being there. That would be horrible for both of us.

What more was there to talk about? She kissed someone, you found out, she apologized. What more were you going to get out of it by picking over it again? She hit the nail on the head when she said she wasn't going to beg for your forgiveness, she had worked out that was what you were looking for, and you said it yourself in one of your earlier posts that she hadn't asked for forgiveness.

And how long were you going to continue with these chats to talk it out and keep her in limbo? She's apologised, how many more times can she say it?

billythekid90 wrote: »

I also said about the "forgive and not forget" thing being around for a short while (i.e. before getting back together) - not forever. I don't think it's unreasonable to try and digest things first before trusting her, no?

For how long? She was never going to stick around while you expected her to jump through hoops. You might think differently but BBoC hit the nail on the head when she said you had her on the naughty step. You are more concerned with wallowing in self pity.

Like for instance, you meet up with her this week and talk, how does it go after that? 'Let's meet next week, don't trust you fully yet, but I expect you to give up your time to spend with me, not be in a relationship with me, and I might or might not forgive you, by the way I reserve the right to be pissed off if you kiss someone else in the meantime while we are not in a relationship'? Is that how you see it?

billythekid90 wrote: »

Also you seem to be presenting a lot of assumptions as fact like shes actually telling me "she doesn't want to be with you". Your interpretation could very well be true but no one knows what she really means by what she says, only her. And just to add I never said any of those things to her so I don't know why she would perceive me that way, unless she reads this thread.

Because if she was interested in salvaging this relationship she would have jumped at the chance of meeting you. You said yourself that she took days to respond. Those are not the actions of someone who wants to get back together.

She saw that the writing was on the wall, that she would have to jump through hoops so she bailed out.




Honestly OP, I'd have a lot of sympathy for people who post on here that have been cheated on. In this case, the cheating aspect was ambiguous, but I think this time you have brought most of this situation on yourself.

Piehead

billythekid90 wrote: »

Sorry sorry sorry. Definite misunderstanding here! Clearly my communication does need work, on this forum here at least.

All those statements were intended before getting back together, not while I'm (hypothetically) with her. That's why I said "I want to keep in touch but don't want to seem like I've forgotten about or forgiven what she's done". I wanted to talk through things and see where her head was at while still being apart. It wasn't as though I wanted to get back with her straight away without trust being there. That would be horrible for both of us.

I also said about the "forgive and not forget" thing being around for a short while (i.e. before getting back together) - not forever. I don't think it's unreasonable to try and digest things first before trusting her, no?

Also you seem to be presenting a lot of assumptions as fact like shes actually telling me "she doesn't want to be with you". Your interpretation could very well be true but no one knows what she really means by what she says, only her. And just to add I never said any of those things to her so I don't know why she would perceive me that way, unless she reads this thread.



Thanks for the kind words. Yes it seemed like she was happy to let this go. I can respect that but I can struggle with separating the words from the actions at times. When she said she really wanted to be with me I took that as fact but the behaviour said otherwise and I only realised afterwards.

I've said my final goodbyes to her, said I won't be reaching out and I've blocked her on social media. It all seems like a big ordeal now but I'm hoping in even a month's time of zero contact she'll only be a momentary thought in my day and I can fully move on.

Has all your communication with her been by text/instagram etc? Did you actually call her ? If not sure all this could have been avoided

leggo

OP you’re getting a lot of sense thrown at you here, but it’d be easy to take it as people saying you’re to blame for this (I think some even outright said it). To add balance, I don’t think that you are. I think most, if not all, can sympathise with your situation and are approaching it from a standpoint of trying to help you handle it better. There’s every chance that this girl is a melt who’s contributing to your erratic behaviour by giving you just enough to keep chasing but also plausible deniability for herself. The fact that she was off kissing other guys after you were dating suggests she can have these tendencies.

So please don’t take the feedback you’re getting (which is solid) as an attack and as if everyone is painting her in this shining light. It’s just that it’s not her we can talk to.

Big Bag of Chips

I think where you went wrong was reading nonsense about how you're supposed to react, rather than thinking about how you actually feel and what you actually want. Ending a relationship can be a confusing time, and often feelings aren't clear and people don't really know what they want at the time. But the only person who can figure that out for you is you.

Playing a game of "I'll get back with you just not yet" will never work. Because anyone with an ounce of self respect will not hang around for that. If she did hang around, waiting for you to decide that she'd served enough time and understood the consequences of not being fully truthful, you would be getting dangerously close to a controlling relationship where you coerce her into toeing the line for fear of upsetting you and being sent to purgatory again.

You're inexperienced in dating. You are unsure and made a mistake in the handling of this. But we all make mistakes. We all have at least one disastrous relationship/breakup under our belts, but hopefully we learn in the process and move on a bit wiser.

padser

Hi OP,

Coming at this thread, so went through it all. I have the perspective of someone who read through 2 weeks of activity in

From very early on in the thread I realized she has no intention of ever meeting up and reconciling. My guess is that you found out about the cheating because she wanted you to. She decided she wanted to end the relationship and rather than ending it, she engineered a situation where you ended it because of her cheating.

You didnt make any missteps along the way, there wasnt really any way out from you after the initial break up - as it's what she wanted.

No option but to move on

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

OK, OP, we'll talk in hypotheticals seeing as that what seems to be going on here.

Just say, you decided you wanted to get back with her. Just not yet. You don't want to get back with her too quickly and let her think she got away with kissing a fella and not telling you/denying it. So, what...? You meet up with her a few times while she's still "on the naughty step". You assess whether or not you can forgive, forget, move on, trust her, whatever......

.....She knows what you are proposing isn't workable. It's a relatively short relationship and causing an awful lot of hassle. She has decided it's better for both of you to just draw a line and walk away. She's letting you down gently. If she wanted to be with you she would have said that. Instead she kicked the can down the road with a "maybe".

Yes, once we broke up, we were broken up. I wasn't saying that she was to be kept in some sort of limbo until I made a decision. That's crazy and totally unfair to her. I have since seen her on Tinder and while it was a bit upsetting to see her moving on, I can understand. Sure I was on it too. Not with a serious intention to date mind you, but it was nice to chat to one or two girls. It's strange not having her around, being able to message her and talk about your day and I guess I'm trying to fill that void.

Also I didn't actually propose anything to her, only to meet and chat.

I think what this all came down to was that I had doubts over the breakup and missed her. I couldn't bring myself to actually get back with her (not that she would want to) because I still have those doubts, but wanted to keep in contact to see if I could get over everything that happened. Plus the last time we spoke face to face was the actual breakup which wasn't that pretty.

I realise now that the best thing to do is a clean break, otherwise it's just something that will keep dragging on for both of us.

rainbowtrout wrote: »

What more was there to talk about? She kissed someone, you found out, she apologized. What more were you going to get out of it by picking over it again? She hit the nail on the head when she said she wasn't going to beg for your forgiveness, she had worked out that was what you were looking for, and you said it yourself in one of your earlier posts that she hadn't asked for forgiveness....

....For how long? She was never going to stick around while you expected her to jump through hoops. You might think differently but BBoC hit the nail on the head when she said you had her on the naughty step. You are more concerned with wallowing in self pity...

...Honestly OP, I'd have a lot of sympathy for people who post on here that have been cheated on. In this case, the cheating aspect was ambiguous, but I think this time you have brought most of this situation on yourself.

You're right, there wasn't anything more to talk about. But I had this idea in my head that keeping in contact with her would somehow help me rebuild trust. Not sure how that would have played out in reality but now I realise a clean break is the only way to put this all behind me.

I'm not sure how you're gleaning her views on the situation from my posts. 99% of what I said here hasn't been said to her. And I can't see how she somehow worked out that I was looking for her to ask for forgiveness. All I asked her was to meet for a chat! There were no hoops presented for her to jump. I even said to her that I didn't want there to be any bad blood between us, but this wasn't conditional on anything.

I find it very harsh for you to say I brought this situation on myself. She lied about a possible infidelity. It wasn't even the 'ambiguous' cheating that I had a problem with. I probably could have gotten over it pretty quickly if she owned up to it when asked, but when your girlfriend lies to your face about kissing other guys I don't think it bodes well. Relationships are built on trust and it was broken that day. Are you saying I shouldn't have ended it, thus not bringing this situation upon myself?

Piehead - I never called her. When I texted her asking to talk she said that she wasn't in the right frame of mind now which just meant she didn't want to prolong this breakup anymore.

And leggo and padser, thanks for your posts. I appreciate the support.

Anyway, all of this is a bit irrelevant now because I've cut all ties. I won't be reaching out to her or even look at her social media. Though I'll be honest and say that in the unlikely event she messages me in the future I will probably reply. I'm not holding out for some sort of reconciliation, it's just that I'm incapable of ignoring someone. Not in my nature.

osarusan

billythekid90 wrote: »

And I can't see how she somehow worked out that I was looking for her to ask for forgiveness. All I asked her was to meet for a chat! There were no hoops presented for her to jump. I even said to her that I didn't want there to be any bad blood between us, but this wasn't conditional on anything.

Did you not send her a message saying you thought it was strange she hadn't looked for forgiveness and a second chance, or words to that effect?

You are steadfast in your position that you were never playing games or looking for her to jump through hoops, but nevertheless, various posters on here have interpreted your posts on here and messages to her in that way, and there is obviously the possibility that she interpreted them the same way also.

You say that you were never sure you wanted her back, but the title of the thread says the opposite.

TBH I think you have never been clear in your mind what you wanted, and your posts here and communication with her have reflected that confusion.

rainbowtrout

billythekid90 wrote: »

Yes, once we broke up, we were broken up. I wasn't saying that she was to be kept in some sort of limbo until I made a decision. That's crazy and totally unfair to her. I have since seen her on Tinder and while it was a bit upsetting to see her moving on, I can understand. Sure I was on it too. Not with a serious intention to date mind you, but it was nice to chat to one or two girls. It's strange not having her around, being able to message her and talk about your day and I guess I'm trying to fill that void.

Also I didn't actually propose anything to her, only to meet and chat.

I think what this all came down to was that I had doubts over the breakup and missed her. I couldn't bring myself to actually get back with her (not that she would want to) because I still have those doubts, but wanted to keep in contact to see if I could get over everything that happened. Plus the last time we spoke face to face was the actual breakup which wasn't that pretty.

I realise now that the best thing to do is a clean break, otherwise it's just something that will keep dragging on for both of us.



You're right, there wasn't anything more to talk about. But I had this idea in my head that keeping in contact with her would somehow help me rebuild trust. Not sure how that would have played out in reality but now I realise a clean break is the only way to put this all behind me.

I'm not sure how you're gleaning her views on the situation from my posts. 99% of what I said here hasn't been said to her. And I can't see how she somehow worked out that I was looking for her to ask for forgiveness. All I asked her was to meet for a chat! There were no hoops presented for her to jump. I even said to her that I didn't want there to be any bad blood between us, but this wasn't conditional on anything.

I find it very harsh for you to say I brought this situation on myself. She lied about a possible infidelity. It wasn't even the 'ambiguous' cheating that I had a problem with. I probably could have gotten over it pretty quickly if she owned up to it when asked, but when your girlfriend lies to your face about kissing other guys I don't think it bodes well. Relationships are built on trust and it was broken that day. Are you saying I shouldn't have ended it, thus not bringing this situation upon myself?

.

If the situation was ambiguous and you weren’t official as a couple then it wouldn’t have been cheating and she was under no obligation to tell you that she kissed anyone else. Obviously when it came up, she could see that you were bothered by it even though she might not have been in the wrong. In that instance it was easier to lie.

I’m not condoning her actions but if you were not officially a couple you can’t turn around and be annoyed about her kissing someone else when you haven’t agreed to be exclusive. She may have cheated and you can’t confirm that 100% but you can’t move goalposts either.

Even now you are saying you are upsetting by seeing her on Tinder and that she’s moving on but in the same sentence you are saying you are on it too but for you it’s not with the serious intention to date, only to chat to girls. Even now you are holding her to a different standard than you hold yourself. Maybe she’s not on it with the intention to date, maybe she’s only on it with the intention to chat and is upset by seeing you on it.

You asked her to meet for a chat. Only you didn’t tell her why. From her point of view there are only two outcomes to that chat. You suggest getting back together or you have another go at her for her actions. You didn’t indicate clearly to her that you would like to talk it out and see if there was a future for the two of you. So when you don’t do that she is going to assume it’s the other. So again, why would she bring that hassle on herself. She had nothing to gain from it.

You didn’t communicate clearly to her what you wanted. ‘hi Mary, I was wondering if we could meet up and talk. I was a bit rash in my actions last week and I want to see if we can resolve our issues and see if there is a future for us’ would have been crystal clear and if she said no then you would know exactly where you stood. Instead you sent a text ‘can we meet for a chat?’ It’s non committal and not communicating anything to here. That’s why I said you brought some of this on yourself. You didn’t go kissing anyone, you did instigate the break up and when you wanted her back you didn’t tell her that. She can only work with the information she has in front of her.

Remember you words in your opening post were in don’t want to look weak’.

LegacyUser

osarusan wrote: »

Did you not send her a message saying you thought it was strange she hadn't looked for forgiveness and a second chance, or words to that effect?

You are steadfast in your position that you were never playing games or looking for her to jump through hoops, but nevertheless, various posters on here have interpreted your posts on here and messages to her in that way, and there is obviously the possibility that she interpreted them the same way also.

You say that you were never sure you wanted her back, but the title of the thread says the opposite.

TBH I think you have never been clear in your mind what you wanted, and your posts here and communication with her have reflected that confusion.

Yes I said something like that following the comments I was getting here. I honestly didn't see that as any game or looking for her to jump through hoops at the time. It was just a statement I made to her because a lot of people here were saying the same thing. I felt bad about sending it afterwards because it may have been misinterpreted.

And I 100% want her back but it was only when I fully trusted her.

rainbowtrout wrote: »

...I’m not condoning her actions but if you were not officially a couple you can’t turn around and be annoyed about her kissing someone else when you haven’t agreed to be exclusive. She may have cheated and you can’t confirm that 100% but you can’t move goalposts either. ...

...Even now you are holding her to a different standard than you hold yourself. Maybe she’s not on it with the intention to date, maybe she’s only on it with the intention to chat and is upset by seeing you on it.

...You didn’t indicate clearly to her that you would like to talk it out and see if there was a future for the two of you....

You didn’t communicate clearly to her what you wanted....

Remember you words in your opening post were in don’t want to look weak’.

Again, it was less about the 'cheating' and more about the lying. I went into the conversation with her knowing what had happened with no intention of breaking up because I thought she would just own up to it straight away and we could just talk it through. But to see her throw all those lies at me so easily and convincingly I felt like I had to break up in the moment.

I don't see how I'm holding her to a different standard regarding Tinder. We're both on it to move on. I just said I'm not intending to date. I never said anything about her dating or not. I don't know what she's doing on Tinder and it's none of my business.

I probably should have given an explanation to her why I wanted to talk, but I didn't know how to put it into words. In my own mind it was to keep the lines of communication open, but saying it was to see if there's ever hope of a future may have been the better way to approach it.

I admit I didn't want to look weak. I was taking advice from friends saying that I would look a bit 'desperate' reaching out like that, or that she would see lying as not a big deal if I was to come back looking for reconciliation so quickly. Like I said before, I was listening to advice from all sides - friends, websites, these forums, and I ended up with a mish mash of stuff that didn't really send any clear message. I'll accept the blame for that.

qwerty13

I don’t think you deliberately had bad intentions towards her. However, it really came across in your posts as though you’d ‘consider’ taking her back if she was contrite enough. Pretty much if she begged for forgiveness, and knew she was on a trial period, and proved herself to you. You may not have explicitly said those things directly to her, but considering how very loud and clear your posts were about that, I highly doubt that she was unaware of it.

I still find it hard to know if you were exclusive, if you’d had ‘the chat’ in that regard, or if she was in dodgy territory there. But if you want any future with someone, you cannot put them on trial and sit on high waiting to dispense your approval/forgiveness. That is quite controlling, and no basis for a relationship. I suspect that she saw this, and wanted no part of it.

Again, I don’t think you had bad intentions towards her. I’m still not sure if she cheated or not. But most of the mess comes down to me being rooted in terrible communication: you didn’t ‘have the chat’ early days re exclusivity. You couldn’t tell her that wanted her back in case you looked weak. You couldn’t tell her that you wanted to meet to try to resolve things. Maybe you were just not compatible, but I think you need to grow and learn from this relationship about the importance of communication

Faith

billythekid90 wrote: »

And I 100% want her back but it was only when I fully trusted her.

Trust has to be earned, as you know. But you seem to think that hanging out a few times as friends would have allowed her to earn that trust back, which is flawed thinking. If you're friends with no romantic element, then she's free to date or shag whomever she wants.

How would she be earning your trust if she's not monogamous with you?

Although I don't think you can see it, you were looking to have your cake and eat it too. You wanted her in your life, on your terms, so you could decide if you were willing to give her a second chance. Where are her needs in all of this? You don't seem to have considered that give and take is required. What were you proposing to give her in the period where you were deciding if you'd have her back?

You wanted her to demonstrate that she could trust you, to essentially woo you back into a relationship, without any guarantee that you'd ultimately decide to take her back. You say "I had this idea in my head that keeping in contact with her would somehow help me rebuild trust" - how would it? It was romantic infidelity - how can you rebuild trust when you've ended the romantic side?

At the end of the day, we all take chances when we start new relationships. We never absolutely know that we can trust another person 100%. You have to be willing to take a risk to open yourself up to another person, and that's the same whether it's starting a new relationship or rebuilding one with someone who has broken your trust. If you were waiting until you felt 100% trust in her, without a romantic relationship, you'd have been waiting a mighty long time and she may well have met someone else in that time too.

TheadoreT

Form all your posts it sounds like she wasnt that into this. Whatever about the blurred lines of whether you were exclusive or not, if after 2.5 months she's out kissing other lads it's never the best sign, I dont think someone who's mad about you would behave in this manner regardless of offical label of relationship

Also all your communications since would point at you doing her a favour by breaking up and maybe she was thinking of doing so herself. Someone who is in love generally doesnt respect the boundaries of a breakup and usually manifests itself in quick regret and texts/calls ect. She didnt text you at all until you did. She hasn't displayed one bit of interest about getting back together or meeting up. She's moved on and probably had long before the actual break.
Your instincts in breaking up with her were probably correct and I'm guessing it wasn't solely based on the kiss if you were being fully honest here. Let her go now and move on with your life.

Tork

TheadoreT wrote: »

Form all your posts it sounds like she wasn't that into this. Whatever about the blurred lines of whether you were exclusive or not, if after 2.5 months she's out kissing other lads it's never the best sign, I don't think someone who's mad about you would behave in this manner regardless of offical label of relationship .

^^This. When you described it as being "early in the relationship" I assumed it had happened within a few weeks of you starting to see each other. 2½ months in is another matter entirely. Even if you hadn't had a clear discussion (communication?) about where you stood with each other, I'm sure she knew where she was at. At that same point, would you have been up for kissing someone else? The impression I get is that she wasn't as invested in the relationship as you were and that she was happy to move on.

I think if you're to learn anything from this, it's to trust your own instincts and not analyse things to death. You now know that when it comes to something like this, everyone has their own opinion and they can't all be right. What your gut was telling you is the right answer for you. The feeling I get from what you wrote here is that this relationship was doomed anyway. It's hard to come back from the place you found yourself in - being the receiving end of a series of lies. From the tone of what you wrote here, I don't think you'd ever have managed to fully put this behind.

Irishman80

Just came across this thread. You're way overthinking this.

At minimum, she is a cheater and a liar. Your initial gut reaction to break-up with her and cut all contact was correct. Trust your instinct.

She's no good. Ignore her and never reply to any message she ever sends you again. You'll have a much better life without people like her in it.

Have some self-respect and build your confidence.