Empath fallen into the hands of a narcissist

LegacyUser · 23-07-2020 06:44PM #1

I feel I am an empath who has ended up with a narcissist. It has only been 2 months since I started seeing him and I'm now a wreck. For some context, we are both in our early thirties. Although by how naive I'm going to sound I know I seem younger.

He was quite funny and charming when we first met. He was also attentive and kind. Then he started to put down my appearance. I don't want to repeat what he said but my friend's jaw dropped when I told her the comments he made. I began to feel very insecure about myself. He also told me "you're really insecure do you know that? That kind of makes me feel weird." Of course this made me feel even more terrible and self conscious.

When I'm with him, he doesn't listen to me when I talk. Today after dominating the conversation at lunch, I tried to talk and he started singing over me. I could tell he was disconnected from me, no real conversation was happening, and I felt utterly alone in his company. I can't describe a lonelier feeling. His responses have become nasty... when I tried to tell him a funny story he cut me off and said "Why are you telling me this?" When I told him I needed 2 hours to come see him after he asked to meet up last minute he said "No. 2 ****ing hours?? You don't need 2 hours to get ready."

But then other times, he showers me with affection and kindness. He told me he could never meet someone like me again. He hugs me like he doesn't want to let go. He tells me I'm beautiful. It is a mind f*ck.

I'm confused and I've been thrown completely off balance. I know it's insane that I'm even still with a man who has done all this to me but I am unfortunately a bit vulnerable in general. This is what leads me to believe I've attracted (another) man who sees me as someone to fulfill their every need and boost their ego, whilst breaking me down to keep me dependent on them.

My saving grace is that I can see what's happening and know I need to leave. But I can't find the strength to walk away. I feel pathetic. He always draws me back in. And I had a very frank and open conversation about his behaviour towards me, hoping naively that maybe he was unaware of how he was treating me. He said he was sorry that I "felt that way". I asked him would he change (he didn't offer) and he said he'd try.

I'm aware I sound pathetic and I hate myself for it. Before I met him I was happy and somewhat confident. I'm not anymore. I feel like I'm being broken down. And it's only been 2 months.

Sorry for the rant. I don't know what advice I'm looking for but I think I need a dose of reality to get me ready to dump him. Please be kind, I'm aware that I have allowed and accepted all of this so I am at fault to an extent.

wiggle16 · 23-07-2020 08:10PM

You need to break up with him. He's horrible and he makes you feel horrible.

You know that you need to break up with him. Why haven't you?

I know that's blunt but in all fairness it's been two months, it's not like you've been in his clutches for years, with the mind games gradually getting worse. He's starting as he means to go on.

You will not feel better about yourself while he's in your life. What's stopping you from breaking up with him?

GarIT · 23-07-2020 08:12PM

Run

It only gets worse. You're accepting of small constant amounts of hurt to avoid the hurt of ending the relationship which you will have to eventually do anyway.

eviltwin · 23-07-2020 08:18PM

Please say you are going to dump this piece of garbage

shesty · 23-07-2020 08:26PM

Get out.Now.Leave and cut him off completely.

odyssey06 · 23-07-2020 08:28PM

I read as far as ... he started singing over me.

Dont need to read any further.

Red flag for which there is no excuse.

Get out of it asap.

Big Bag of Chips · 23-07-2020 08:40PM

As mentioned above, its only been 2 months. A matter of weeks really. Get out now before you get sucked in further and end up with children to complicate it.

He's known you a few weeks and he is already saying horrendous things to you? Pull every bit of strength you have together and tell him no more. Tell him it's not working out. You don't need to give reason, or excuses, or justify it. "It's not working out" is enough. Ring him or text him. It's been a few weeks. It doesn't need to be a face to face break up. Over the phone, from a distance where you can cut off the call when you want and he can't get into your head by hugging you, or touching you.

You can do it.

Rodney Bathgate · 23-07-2020 08:43PM

Are you living with him after 2 months? All during COVID-19 lockdown and restrictions?

Big Bag of Chips · 23-07-2020 08:45PM

Rodney Bathgate, have you any advice you'd like to offer to the OP? If not please do not post in the thread again.

All posters are reminded Personal Issues is an advice forum.

Rodney Bathgate · 23-07-2020 08:46PM

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Rodney Bathgate, have you any advice you'd like to offer to the OP? If not please do not post in the thread again.

All posters are reminded Personal Issues is an advice forum.

My advise for the OP would be stop trolling.

Gruffalux · 23-07-2020 08:49PM

Come out of your head and into your gut.
Out of the clouds and down to earth.
Be a real tough chaw. Totally earthed now. A gunslinging dame. No intellectualisation. Forget the dreamy side that puts any weight on "special" ideas like empath or narcissist. This is making a spiritual drama out of something hollow that isn't worth one single moment more of your time. This situation does not make you real.

Walk away and do not look back.

Big Bag of Chips · 23-07-2020 08:50PM

Yellow card for Rodney Bathgate for breach of charter, back seat modding and off topic posting.

gmisk · 23-07-2020 08:52PM

Two months and you sound totally miserable.
Why be in a relationship?

rapul · 23-07-2020 08:56PM

That sounds horrible, absolute mind fcuk, you sound smart and seem to be aware that how he is with you is not right, walk away you deserve better. This world has some strange people, Jim Morrison knew but walk away you will find better.

Airyfairy12 · 23-07-2020 09:01PM

Throughout your post you refer to yourself as an empath, vulnerable and naive yet you have enough self awareness to spot these traits in yourself. What I find interesting is how you can be so aware of yourself yet still willingly and knowingly put yourself into a situation with someone who will cause you emotional and mental distress, possibly long lasting damage if you give him the chance.
You have two options, 1, you can stay in what will progress to a full blown abusive relationship and experience all the side effects of that such as long term mental health problems, distrust of others and most likely lose friendships and family members in the process as you push them away for the sake of your relationship.
Or option 2, leave now and save yourself years of lost time and drama.

Stop analysing him, his behaviour is a reflection of himself and theres nothing you can do to change him. It's like ripping off a plaster, do it fast and move on. The pain of the breakup now will be nothing compared to the pain and self hatred you'll deal with in the coming months/years/however long you decide to stay with him.

KiKi III · 23-07-2020 10:56PM

OP, what’s keeping you there right now? A few nice hugs and words? Is that really in any way worth what he’s putting you through?

waxmelts2000 · 23-07-2020 11:06PM

I stayed in a relationship like yours for 4 years, please do not make the same mistake as I did.

SusieBlue · 24-07-2020 02:05AM

The thread title alone speaks volumes.
‘Empath has fallen into the hands of a narcissist’ - you are clearly aware of what’s going on and can recognise the warning signs, and you only know this man a matter of weeks.
It’s all a bit melodramatic.
Stop over analysing it and get rid of him. You’re only wasting time you could be spending healing from his nastiness and moving on with someone worthy.

Not to be harsh but I don’t understand why you are using words like naive, empath, vulnerable etc to describe yourself in this situation when you are clearly fully aware of what’s happening, so I’m baffled as to why you are hanging around.
You know what needs to be done, there is no saving this. He is who he is and you can’t fix him.

Purple Mountain · 24-07-2020 02:23AM

Chips reply is on the money.
Text him tomorrow and say it's not working, don't contact me again.
In my opinion, you know what the right thing to do is (break up) but if you go face to face with him to do it, I guarantee he'll wear you down.
After 2 months, you owe him nothing, zero, zilch. Even if you were with this guy years and after treating you like that, you'd owe him nothing. But my point is, you know him a few weeks, you've no financial ties or assets to divide, he treats you like a piece of trash so don't give him the time nor space to take up any more of your time.
Text him tomorrow and block him on all ways he can contact you.
If you can arrange to meet that friend over the weekend too, please do.
You need reaffirmation from someone that he's an absolute horrible human.

qwerty13 · 24-07-2020 02:48AM

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

Throughout your post you refer to yourself as an empath, vulnerable and naive yet you have enough self awareness to spot these traits in yourself. What I find interesting is how you can be so aware of yourself yet still willingly and knowingly put yourself into a situation with someone who will cause you emotional and mental distress, possibly long lasting damage if you give him the chance.
You have two options, 1, you can stay in what will progress to a full blown abusive relationship and experience all the side effects of that such as long term mental health problems, distrust of others and most likely lose friendships and family members in the process as you push them away for the sake of your relationship.
Or option 2, leave now and save yourself years of lost time and drama.

Stop analysing him, his behaviour is a reflection of himself and theres nothing you can do to change him. It's like ripping off a plaster, do it fast and move on. The pain of the breakup now will be nothing compared to the pain and self hatred you'll deal with in the coming months/years/however long you decide to stay with him.

This is all very well to say - but the fact that the OP is v empathetic may have bearing on why the narcissistic ‘partner’ is with them. I feel that it’s a very difficult situation to escape from, and that it could be very difficult for the OP to remove themselves from.

My advice would be to get out now. I’ve been there, an overly empathetic person, a ‘solver’. My advice is to absolutely distance yourself from this person. Get away from all contact. They will not do you any good.

Airyfairy12 · 24-07-2020 03:01AM

qwerty13 wrote: »

This is all very well to say - but the fact that the OP is v empathetic may have bearing on why the narcissistic ‘partner’ is with them. I feel that it’s a very difficult situation to escape from, and that it could be very difficult for the OP to remove themselves from.

My advice would be to get out now. I’ve been there, an overly empathetic person, a ‘solver’. My advice is to absolutely distance yourself from this person. Get away from all contact. They will not do you any good.

Ive been there and done that. OP has only been with him for 2 months, theyre not living together, they have no ties and luckily for her he's shown his true colours early on giving her every chance to leave with little damage.
Theres a difference between being empathetic and being a 'fixer', theyre not the same thing. Lots of empathetic people know when to walk away from a situation with obvious red flags.
If the OP is staying with him thinking she can make him a better person or fix his problems, thats a bit arrogant in itself and tbh, is narcissistic, not empathetic at all imo as it's blurring boundaries.
It also could imply codependency and if that where the case she should really sort out her own issues before attempting to have a relationship with anyone, let alone her current boyfriend.

It's hard to leave any relationship even when its toxic and early on, theres always a sense of 'what if' but in this situation or any situation with red flags, you need to think logically and be realistic. It's hard to break up with someone but that's life, the alternative will be much harder and the longer she leaves it the harder it will get.

BuboBubo · 24-07-2020 03:02AM

Does he make you happy?

If the answer is "no" then get rid. Simple as that. He'll probably cry, apologise, etc. Do it over the phone if that's easier for you.

Best of luck op. You know what you need to do.

qwerty13 · 24-07-2020 04:31AM

BuboBubo wrote: »

Does he make you happy?

If the answer is "no" then get rid. Simple as that. He'll probably cry, apologise, etc. Do it over the phone if that's easier for you.

Best of luck op. You know what you need to do.

OP, not only is he “not making you happy” - he’s actively making you doubt yourself as a person. I genuinely think people who havent been in this scenario will never truly get it. You need to get out NOW. He will break you if you end up staying. If you stay, you’re signing yourself up for a lifetime of unhappiness.

Leave him now, block him on your phone and all social media. And never contact him again.

cannotlogin · 24-07-2020 07:32AM

If this is the impact after two months, it will only get worse and much worse.

You can't change/fix/save him.

You really need to stop all contact now.

You know you deserve better. Your friend does too.

Hangdogroad · 24-07-2020 07:43AM

He sounds like a psychopath.

Tork · 24-07-2020 09:22AM

Ages ago, Pat Kenny had a therapist on his show and the question of what to do if dating a narcissist came up. Her response? Run.

The way she described was like this. Someone gets together with narcissist and they're delighted with themselves because they seem to have met Mr/Miss Right. Then the nasty stuff starts but the narcissist will know how to reel them back in if necessary. So in short, the two things to know here are (1) This person can't be fixed and (2) Get out.

You sound like you're very long on self-analysis and short on action. It makes it easier than to bite the bullet, doesn't it? If you can't bring yourself to dump him at the moment, I think you should try talking to a live therapist on Zoom and get all this jargon out of your system. You are complicit in this and nobody is going to dump him for you.

leggo · 24-07-2020 10:51AM

SusieBlue wrote: »

Not to be harsh but I don’t understand why you are using words like naive, empath, vulnerable etc to describe yourself in this situation when you are clearly fully aware of what’s happening, so I’m baffled as to why you are hanging around.
You know what needs to be done, there is no saving this. He is who he is and you can’t fix him.

Yeah, this. It’s fair enough when someone doesn’t understand this stuff: codependency, narcissism etc can be irresistible when you don’t understand what’s going on and then you get caught in a web of thinking you can fix them and that you’re forever *so close* to having the perfect relationship. A lot of us have been up and down that path multiple times and sadly the only way to learn is by experiencing it.

But when you know enough to be able to identify it and, even more, identify a situation you’re currently in as it...it’s kinda like you’re deliberately choosing to be in an unhealthy situation that’s gonna end in you getting hurt. I’m not going to try get into psychoanalysing your reasoning or anything like that OP, but just to add to the unanimous chorus of saying leave now. Then, if you’re not already, please speak to someone qualified about why this is the case.

Gwen Cooper · 24-07-2020 02:13PM

OP, I have been in the same situation. Met a guy, he was amazing. He was funny and very loving and thoughtful. I fell in love very quickly. After a few months he started throwing in little moments where I was questioning things. It ended up in emotional abuse very quickly, and he had me wrapped around his finger, and he knew it. It lasted 7 years. 7 years of cheating, lying, gaslighting, putting me down. The things you say - putting down your looks one day and then telling you that you are the most beautiful creature he's ever seen the next day, when I wanted to tell him about something that maybe happened at work or with friends, he would also start singing, and then when I got annoyed, he'd say "ok, tell me your boring story" or "fine, tell me what's going on in that brain of yours".

Thing with these people is that their behaviour towards you will get worse with time, and if he's like this after two months, you can bet it will get worse.

Please leave. Get a therapist if you can - it's not a stupid thing to see a therapists about. Narcissists will absolutely ruin you if you let them.

I'm currently not with "my" narcissist, but I know it's only a matter of time until he pulls me in again. You basically become addicted to those little good moments he gives you (and you will be getting these less and less often) to the point that you will be willing to overlook all the abuse.

Please do something and run before he completely destroys you.

woodchuck · 24-07-2020 03:26PM

OP it sounds like you know exactly what you need to do, but you're afraid that you won't have the courage to do it.

Look, you're only seeing this guy a couple of months. Normally I'd give someone the courtesy of breaking up to their face, but in this case I think a text message would be best so that you don't get drawn into a conversation about it, giving him the opportunity to change your mind. Just tell him you're not happy with the relationship and that you're breaking it off. End of.

Don't allow him to engage you in conversation about it - you need to get into the frame of mind that the decision is made and it's not open for debate. If he tries to call you, don't answer. If he starts sending a bunch of texts, just block his number and block him on all social media platforms.

One thing I'd love to tell my younger self is that you don't owe anyone an explanation for breaking up with them.

ILoveYourVibes · 24-07-2020 03:49PM

I'm sorry you were treated like this.

Use your powers of empathy for good. YOUR OWN GOOD.

Give him a it's not you its me talk ...tell him you need time. Delete his no.

Its prob harder right now. As dating others is harder because of the pandemic.

But that will pass.

bitofabind · 24-07-2020 05:28PM

I found your post very navel-gazing and self-indulgent. The amateur armchair stuff and labelling oneself in this way is not helpful whatsoever. Here's why:

1. It creates drama and gives meaning to a very straight-forward situation where you've met and fallen for a bit of a dick. We've all fallen for a bit of a dick. The solution is also very straight forward.

2. It makes you feel "special" and prevents you from taking action, when you can feel sorry for yourself for your special-ness instead. I'm not sure what you mean by "vulnerable", but applying this label and "empath" to yourself ascribes no personal responsibility to you at all, which leads me to my next point -

3. it paints this situation as out of your control and inevitable. It is not. You are an adult with personal choice. You are that before you are a vulnerable empath. What happens next is entirely down to you.

helpleaving wrote: »

Before I met him I was happy and somewhat confident.

This is more drama. It's entirely disproportionate to the situation at hand. You started seeing this guy TWO MONTHS AGO. I've a packet of ham sitting in my fridge longer than that. There is no "before I met him", there's a lad you've taken for a test drive for a short time and he's turned out to be a total dud. The practical next step is to get out of the car and let him drive on to his next victim. Instead of creating a narrative in your own head about how inevitable it is that you are damned to be miserable with a lad like him because you're just walking around feeling all this empathy for people all the time.

No. Stop it now OP. No more stories and internal monologues, follow the practical next steps.

Empath fallen into the hands of a narcissist

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