Empath fallen into the hands of a narcissist

LegacyUser

I feel I am an empath who has ended up with a narcissist. It has only been 2 months since I started seeing him and I'm now a wreck. For some context, we are both in our early thirties. Although by how naive I'm going to sound I know I seem younger.

He was quite funny and charming when we first met. He was also attentive and kind. Then he started to put down my appearance. I don't want to repeat what he said but my friend's jaw dropped when I told her the comments he made. I began to feel very insecure about myself. He also told me "you're really insecure do you know that? That kind of makes me feel weird." Of course this made me feel even more terrible and self conscious.

When I'm with him, he doesn't listen to me when I talk. Today after dominating the conversation at lunch, I tried to talk and he started singing over me. I could tell he was disconnected from me, no real conversation was happening, and I felt utterly alone in his company. I can't describe a lonelier feeling. His responses have become nasty... when I tried to tell him a funny story he cut me off and said "Why are you telling me this?" When I told him I needed 2 hours to come see him after he asked to meet up last minute he said "No. 2 ****ing hours?? You don't need 2 hours to get ready."

But then other times, he showers me with affection and kindness. He told me he could never meet someone like me again. He hugs me like he doesn't want to let go. He tells me I'm beautiful. It is a mind f*ck.

I'm confused and I've been thrown completely off balance. I know it's insane that I'm even still with a man who has done all this to me but I am unfortunately a bit vulnerable in general. This is what leads me to believe I've attracted (another) man who sees me as someone to fulfill their every need and boost their ego, whilst breaking me down to keep me dependent on them.

My saving grace is that I can see what's happening and know I need to leave. But I can't find the strength to walk away. I feel pathetic. He always draws me back in. And I had a very frank and open conversation about his behaviour towards me, hoping naively that maybe he was unaware of how he was treating me. He said he was sorry that I "felt that way". I asked him would he change (he didn't offer) and he said he'd try.

I'm aware I sound pathetic and I hate myself for it. Before I met him I was happy and somewhat confident. I'm not anymore. I feel like I'm being broken down. And it's only been 2 months.

Sorry for the rant. I don't know what advice I'm looking for but I think I need a dose of reality to get me ready to dump him. Please be kind, I'm aware that I have allowed and accepted all of this so I am at fault to an extent.

wiggle16

You need to break up with him. He's horrible and he makes you feel horrible.

You know that you need to break up with him. Why haven't you?

I know that's blunt but in all fairness it's been two months, it's not like you've been in his clutches for years, with the mind games gradually getting worse. He's starting as he means to go on.

You will not feel better about yourself while he's in your life. What's stopping you from breaking up with him?

GarIT

Run

It only gets worse. You're accepting of small constant amounts of hurt to avoid the hurt of ending the relationship which you will have to eventually do anyway.

eviltwin

Please say you are going to dump this piece of garbage

shesty

Get out.Now.Leave and cut him off completely.

odyssey06

I read as far as ... he started singing over me.

Dont need to read any further.

Red flag for which there is no excuse.

Get out of it asap.

Big Bag of Chips

As mentioned above, its only been 2 months. A matter of weeks really. Get out now before you get sucked in further and end up with children to complicate it.

He's known you a few weeks and he is already saying horrendous things to you? Pull every bit of strength you have together and tell him no more. Tell him it's not working out. You don't need to give reason, or excuses, or justify it. "It's not working out" is enough. Ring him or text him. It's been a few weeks. It doesn't need to be a face to face break up. Over the phone, from a distance where you can cut off the call when you want and he can't get into your head by hugging you, or touching you.

You can do it.

Rodney Bathgate

Are you living with him after 2 months? All during COVID-19 lockdown and restrictions?

Big Bag of Chips

Rodney Bathgate, have you any advice you'd like to offer to the OP? If not please do not post in the thread again.

All posters are reminded Personal Issues is an advice forum.

Rodney Bathgate

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Rodney Bathgate, have you any advice you'd like to offer to the OP? If not please do not post in the thread again.

All posters are reminded Personal Issues is an advice forum.

My advise for the OP would be stop trolling.

Gruffalux

Come out of your head and into your gut.
Out of the clouds and down to earth.
Be a real tough chaw. Totally earthed now. A gunslinging dame. No intellectualisation. Forget the dreamy side that puts any weight on "special" ideas like empath or narcissist. This is making a spiritual drama out of something hollow that isn't worth one single moment more of your time. This situation does not make you real.


Walk away and do not look back.

Big Bag of Chips

Yellow card for Rodney Bathgate for breach of charter, back seat modding and off topic posting.

gmisk

Two months and you sound totally miserable.
Why be in a relationship?

rapul

That sounds horrible, absolute mind fcuk, you sound smart and seem to be aware that how he is with you is not right, walk away you deserve better. This world has some strange people, Jim Morrison knew but walk away you will find better.

Airyfairy12

Throughout your post you refer to yourself as an empath, vulnerable and naive yet you have enough self awareness to spot these traits in yourself. What I find interesting is how you can be so aware of yourself yet still willingly and knowingly put yourself into a situation with someone who will cause you emotional and mental distress, possibly long lasting damage if you give him the chance.
You have two options, 1, you can stay in what will progress to a full blown abusive relationship and experience all the side effects of that such as long term mental health problems, distrust of others and most likely lose friendships and family members in the process as you push them away for the sake of your relationship.
Or option 2, leave now and save yourself years of lost time and drama.

Stop analysing him, his behaviour is a reflection of himself and theres nothing you can do to change him. It's like ripping off a plaster, do it fast and move on. The pain of the breakup now will be nothing compared to the pain and self hatred you'll deal with in the coming months/years/however long you decide to stay with him.

KiKi III

OP, what’s keeping you there right now? A few nice hugs and words? Is that really in any way worth what he’s putting you through?

waxmelts2000

I stayed in a relationship like yours for 4 years, please do not make the same mistake as I did.

SusieBlue

The thread title alone speaks volumes.
‘Empath has fallen into the hands of a narcissist’ - you are clearly aware of what’s going on and can recognise the warning signs, and you only know this man a matter of weeks.
It’s all a bit melodramatic.
Stop over analysing it and get rid of him. You’re only wasting time you could be spending healing from his nastiness and moving on with someone worthy.

Not to be harsh but I don’t understand why you are using words like naive, empath, vulnerable etc to describe yourself in this situation when you are clearly fully aware of what’s happening, so I’m baffled as to why you are hanging around.
You know what needs to be done, there is no saving this. He is who he is and you can’t fix him.

Purple Mountain

Chips reply is on the money.
Text him tomorrow and say it's not working, don't contact me again.
In my opinion, you know what the right thing to do is (break up) but if you go face to face with him to do it, I guarantee he'll wear you down.
After 2 months, you owe him nothing, zero, zilch. Even if you were with this guy years and after treating you like that, you'd owe him nothing. But my point is, you know him a few weeks, you've no financial ties or assets to divide, he treats you like a piece of trash so don't give him the time nor space to take up any more of your time.
Text him tomorrow and block him on all ways he can contact you.
If you can arrange to meet that friend over the weekend too, please do.
You need reaffirmation from someone that he's an absolute horrible human.

qwerty13

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

Throughout your post you refer to yourself as an empath, vulnerable and naive yet you have enough self awareness to spot these traits in yourself. What I find interesting is how you can be so aware of yourself yet still willingly and knowingly put yourself into a situation with someone who will cause you emotional and mental distress, possibly long lasting damage if you give him the chance.
You have two options, 1, you can stay in what will progress to a full blown abusive relationship and experience all the side effects of that such as long term mental health problems, distrust of others and most likely lose friendships and family members in the process as you push them away for the sake of your relationship.
Or option 2, leave now and save yourself years of lost time and drama.

Stop analysing him, his behaviour is a reflection of himself and theres nothing you can do to change him. It's like ripping off a plaster, do it fast and move on. The pain of the breakup now will be nothing compared to the pain and self hatred you'll deal with in the coming months/years/however long you decide to stay with him.

This is all very well to say - but the fact that the OP is v empathetic may have bearing on why the narcissistic ‘partner’ is with them. I feel that it’s a very difficult situation to escape from, and that it could be very difficult for the OP to remove themselves from.

My advice would be to get out now. I’ve been there, an overly empathetic person, a ‘solver’. My advice is to absolutely distance yourself from this person. Get away from all contact. They will not do you any good.

Airyfairy12

qwerty13 wrote: »

This is all very well to say - but the fact that the OP is v empathetic may have bearing on why the narcissistic ‘partner’ is with them. I feel that it’s a very difficult situation to escape from, and that it could be very difficult for the OP to remove themselves from.

My advice would be to get out now. I’ve been there, an overly empathetic person, a ‘solver’. My advice is to absolutely distance yourself from this person. Get away from all contact. They will not do you any good.

Ive been there and done that. OP has only been with him for 2 months, theyre not living together, they have no ties and luckily for her he's shown his true colours early on giving her every chance to leave with little damage.
Theres a difference between being empathetic and being a 'fixer', theyre not the same thing. Lots of empathetic people know when to walk away from a situation with obvious red flags.
If the OP is staying with him thinking she can make him a better person or fix his problems, thats a bit arrogant in itself and tbh, is narcissistic, not empathetic at all imo as it's blurring boundaries.
It also could imply codependency and if that where the case she should really sort out her own issues before attempting to have a relationship with anyone, let alone her current boyfriend.

It's hard to leave any relationship even when its toxic and early on, theres always a sense of 'what if' but in this situation or any situation with red flags, you need to think logically and be realistic. It's hard to break up with someone but that's life, the alternative will be much harder and the longer she leaves it the harder it will get.

BuboBubo

Does he make you happy?

If the answer is "no" then get rid. Simple as that. He'll probably cry, apologise, etc. Do it over the phone if that's easier for you.

Best of luck op. You know what you need to do.

qwerty13

BuboBubo wrote: »

Does he make you happy?

If the answer is "no" then get rid. Simple as that. He'll probably cry, apologise, etc. Do it over the phone if that's easier for you.

Best of luck op. You know what you need to do.

OP, not only is he “not making you happy” - he’s actively making you doubt yourself as a person. I genuinely think people who havent been in this scenario will never truly get it. You need to get out NOW. He will break you if you end up staying. If you stay, you’re signing yourself up for a lifetime of unhappiness.

Leave him now, block him on your phone and all social media. And never contact him again.

cannotlogin

If this is the impact after two months, it will only get worse and much worse.

You can't change/fix/save him.

You really need to stop all contact now.

You know you deserve better. Your friend does too.

Hangdogroad

He sounds like a psychopath.

Tork

Ages ago, Pat Kenny had a therapist on his show and the question of what to do if dating a narcissist came up. Her response? Run.

The way she described was like this. Someone gets together with narcissist and they're delighted with themselves because they seem to have met Mr/Miss Right. Then the nasty stuff starts but the narcissist will know how to reel them back in if necessary. So in short, the two things to know here are (1) This person can't be fixed and (2) Get out.

You sound like you're very long on self-analysis and short on action. It makes it easier than to bite the bullet, doesn't it? If you can't bring yourself to dump him at the moment, I think you should try talking to a live therapist on Zoom and get all this jargon out of your system. You are complicit in this and nobody is going to dump him for you.

leggo

SusieBlue wrote: »

Not to be harsh but I don’t understand why you are using words like naive, empath, vulnerable etc to describe yourself in this situation when you are clearly fully aware of what’s happening, so I’m baffled as to why you are hanging around.
You know what needs to be done, there is no saving this. He is who he is and you can’t fix him.

Yeah, this. It’s fair enough when someone doesn’t understand this stuff: codependency, narcissism etc can be irresistible when you don’t understand what’s going on and then you get caught in a web of thinking you can fix them and that you’re forever *so close* to having the perfect relationship. A lot of us have been up and down that path multiple times and sadly the only way to learn is by experiencing it.

But when you know enough to be able to identify it and, even more, identify a situation you’re currently in as it...it’s kinda like you’re deliberately choosing to be in an unhealthy situation that’s gonna end in you getting hurt. I’m not going to try get into psychoanalysing your reasoning or anything like that OP, but just to add to the unanimous chorus of saying leave now. Then, if you’re not already, please speak to someone qualified about why this is the case.

Gwen Cooper

OP, I have been in the same situation. Met a guy, he was amazing. He was funny and very loving and thoughtful. I fell in love very quickly. After a few months he started throwing in little moments where I was questioning things. It ended up in emotional abuse very quickly, and he had me wrapped around his finger, and he knew it. It lasted 7 years. 7 years of cheating, lying, gaslighting, putting me down. The things you say - putting down your looks one day and then telling you that you are the most beautiful creature he's ever seen the next day, when I wanted to tell him about something that maybe happened at work or with friends, he would also start singing, and then when I got annoyed, he'd say "ok, tell me your boring story" or "fine, tell me what's going on in that brain of yours".

Thing with these people is that their behaviour towards you will get worse with time, and if he's like this after two months, you can bet it will get worse.

Please leave. Get a therapist if you can - it's not a stupid thing to see a therapists about. Narcissists will absolutely ruin you if you let them.

I'm currently not with "my" narcissist, but I know it's only a matter of time until he pulls me in again. You basically become addicted to those little good moments he gives you (and you will be getting these less and less often) to the point that you will be willing to overlook all the abuse.

Please do something and run before he completely destroys you.

woodchuck

OP it sounds like you know exactly what you need to do, but you're afraid that you won't have the courage to do it.

Look, you're only seeing this guy a couple of months. Normally I'd give someone the courtesy of breaking up to their face, but in this case I think a text message would be best so that you don't get drawn into a conversation about it, giving him the opportunity to change your mind. Just tell him you're not happy with the relationship and that you're breaking it off. End of.

Don't allow him to engage you in conversation about it - you need to get into the frame of mind that the decision is made and it's not open for debate. If he tries to call you, don't answer. If he starts sending a bunch of texts, just block his number and block him on all social media platforms.

One thing I'd love to tell my younger self is that you don't owe anyone an explanation for breaking up with them.

ILoveYourVibes

I'm sorry you were treated like this.

Use your powers of empathy for good. YOUR OWN GOOD.

Give him a it's not you its me talk ...tell him you need time. Delete his no.

Its prob harder right now. As dating others is harder because of the pandemic.

But that will pass.

bitofabind

I found your post very navel-gazing and self-indulgent. The amateur armchair stuff and labelling oneself in this way is not helpful whatsoever. Here's why:

1. It creates drama and gives meaning to a very straight-forward situation where you've met and fallen for a bit of a dick. We've all fallen for a bit of a dick. The solution is also very straight forward.

2. It makes you feel "special" and prevents you from taking action, when you can feel sorry for yourself for your special-ness instead. I'm not sure what you mean by "vulnerable", but applying this label and "empath" to yourself ascribes no personal responsibility to you at all, which leads me to my next point -

3. it paints this situation as out of your control and inevitable. It is not. You are an adult with personal choice. You are that before you are a vulnerable empath. What happens next is entirely down to you.

helpleaving wrote: »

Before I met him I was happy and somewhat confident.

This is more drama. It's entirely disproportionate to the situation at hand. You started seeing this guy TWO MONTHS AGO. I've a packet of ham sitting in my fridge longer than that. There is no "before I met him", there's a lad you've taken for a test drive for a short time and he's turned out to be a total dud. The practical next step is to get out of the car and let him drive on to his next victim. Instead of creating a narrative in your own head about how inevitable it is that you are damned to be miserable with a lad like him because you're just walking around feeling all this empathy for people all the time.

No. Stop it now OP. No more stories and internal monologues, follow the practical next steps.

Hannibal_Smith

If you feel like you're broken after 2 months, end it. It's not working out for you is all the explanation you need. End it. Block him on absolutely everything because he's going to lambaste you with affection.

Don't stay in something that's breaking you from the start.

MissShihTzu

I dunno. I find the OP's post very, very odd. They apparently KNOW what's going on, but won't take steps to end it. I don't want to sound horrible or downplay your situation - But to me? The post reeks of self-indulgence and self pity.

Are you THAT desperate for a partner that you have to put up with this rubbish after only 2 months? You owe him NOTHING. If you can't break up face to face, then just ghost him. Change your number and disappear! Very, very easy to do - IF you want to do it.

I hope it works our for you.

JJayoo

bitofabind wrote: »

I found your post very navel-gazing and self-indulgent. The amateur armchair stuff and labelling oneself in this way is not helpful whatsoever. Here's why:

1. It creates drama and gives meaning to a very straight-forward situation where you've met and fallen for a bit of a dick. We've all fallen for a bit of a dick. The solution is also very straight forward.

2. It makes you feel "special" and prevents you from taking action, when you can feel sorry for yourself for your special-ness instead. I'm not sure what you mean by "vulnerable", but applying this label and "empath" to yourself ascribes no personal responsibility to you at all, which leads me to my next point -

3. it paints this situation as out of your control and inevitable. It is not. You are an adult with personal choice. You are that before you are a vulnerable empath. What happens next is entirely down to you.



This is more drama. It's entirely disproportionate to the situation at hand. You started seeing this guy TWO MONTHS AGO. I've a packet of ham sitting in my fridge longer than that. There is no "before I met him", there's a lad you've taken for a test drive for a short time and he's turned out to be a total dud. The practical next step is to get out of the car and let him drive on to his next victim. Instead of creating a narrative in your own head about how inevitable it is that you are damned to be miserable with a lad like him because you're just walking around feeling all this empathy for people all the time.

No. Stop it now OP. No more stories and internal monologues, follow the practical next steps.

Boom there you go.

Gwen Cooper

MissShihTzu wrote: »

I dunno. I find the OP's post very, very odd. They apparently KNOW what's going on, but won't take steps to end it. I don't want to sound horrible or downplay your situation - But to me? The post reeks of self-indulgence and self pity.

Are you THAT desperate for a partner that you have to put up with this rubbish after only 2 months? You owe him NOTHING. If you can't break up face to face, then just ghost him. Change your number and disappear! Very, very easy to do - IF you want to do it.

I hope it works our for you.

Unfortunately true narcissists do have a way of finding a suitable victim and pulling them in. Even after a short while it can feel that there is no way out.

As I said above, I have an ongoing thing with a narcissist. I hope I won’t fall for it again, but I’m already catching myself waiting for an invitation in. It’s simultaneously the most awful and painful relationship I’ve ever been in, but also the best. Somehow they can find the balance to keep the victim in and often people can only get out with a help of a professional.

I can 100% relate to OP. It’s an awful situation to be in and it can feel like there’s no escape. It’s very hard to explain to people who haven’t experienced it.

LegacyUser

Gwen Cooper wrote: »

OP, I have been in the same situation. Met a guy, he was amazing. He was funny and very loving and thoughtful. I fell in love very quickly. After a few months he started throwing in little moments where I was questioning things. It ended up in emotional abuse very quickly, and he had me wrapped around his finger, and he knew it. It lasted 7 years. 7 years of cheating, lying, gaslighting, putting me down. The things you say - putting down your looks one day and then telling you that you are the most beautiful creature he's ever seen the next day, when I wanted to tell him about something that maybe happened at work or with friends, he would also start singing, and then when I got annoyed, he'd say "ok, tell me your boring story" or "fine, tell me what's going on in that brain of yours".

Thing with these people is that their behaviour towards you will get worse with time, and if he's like this after two months, you can bet it will get worse.

Please leave. Get a therapist if you can - it's not a stupid thing to see a therapists about. Narcissists will absolutely ruin you if you let them.

I'm currently not with "my" narcissist, but I know it's only a matter of time until he pulls me in again. You basically become addicted to those little good moments he gives you (and you will be getting these less and less often) to the point that you will be willing to overlook all the abuse.

Please do something and run before he completely destroys you.

OP here.

Thank you for this response. I'm so sorry you've ended up in this situation, as you and I both know it takes a huge toll on your mental health. I can so relate to everything you've said. It's only been 2 months and he's managed to undermine and shame me completely. I've also been told my stories are boring! Once he said "Why are you even telling me this?". It sort of shocks you into being quiet.

I am sorry for your pain, I really hope you will find a way to get away from this person and start rebuilding yourself.

LegacyUser

OP here. I understand that some of you see my post as being self indulgent or dramatic, but that wasn't my intention. I was trying to explain things as best I could. I know people say I should just leave, but I do feel I'm in a difficult situation that's hard to explain.

I haven't just met a "dick" I've met a manipulative man who has caused me a lot of pain and I am angry with myself for not walking away. Yes, I have personal choice, yes, I have personal responsibility. But I feel stuck and there is a powerful dynamic at play here that, unless you have ever been in, is hard to explain. It's like being pulled into a spiders web. And again, not to sound self pitying, but I really feel at my lowest because of this man.

I plan to leave him but unfortunately it's not as easy as I thought it would be. Whilst I appreciate constructive feedback please remember you're talking to a human being here and being overly harsh when I already feel awful is not helpful to me.

Thank you for the kind comments I have received.

valoren

Stop doing the paralysis by analysis because you'll end up rationalizing reasons to stay with this head melting guy and no one wishes that on you. Don't be lulled into that "I can fix him" mindset.

Here's the thing with people like him. You focus on his positive traits as if they somehow counter weight the awful side of him. Remember there are other guys out there who have the positive traits but lack the awful traits.

Hannibal_Smith

Why do you feel stuck OP? At 2 months you're not living together or made joint commitments to anything. Why do you feel you are stuck?

If you ended it what do you think would happen?

Akrasia

helpleaving wrote: »

OP here. I understand that some of you see my post as being self indulgent or dramatic, but that wasn't my intention. I was trying to explain things as best I could. I know people say I should just leave, but I do feel I'm in a difficult situation that's hard to explain.

I haven't just met a "dick" I've met a manipulative man who has caused me a lot of pain and I am angry with myself for not walking away. Yes, I have personal choice, yes, I have personal responsibility. But I feel stuck and there is a powerful dynamic at play here that, unless you have ever been in, is hard to explain. It's like being pulled into a spiders web. And again, not to sound self pitying, but I really feel at my lowest because of this man.

I plan to leave him but unfortunately it's not as easy as I thought it would be. Whilst I appreciate constructive feedback please remember you're talking to a human being here and being overly harsh when I already feel awful is not helpful to me.

Thank you for the kind comments I have received.

Unless he has you tied up somewhere then you are free to leave.

If you recognize that it’s not working and he’s causing you harm then you need to pull the plug and go.

You’re asking for advice on a forum, you don’t need advice, you need the courage to follow through with the decision you have already made

JeffKenna

Unfortunately the real problem I see is that you're unable to leave a relationship after 2 months. Life isn't full of nice people and if you're that vulnerable you aren't in the right space to consider dating. You need to go to a counsellor asap and try and identify what underlying issues exist for you.

Big Bag of Chips

You are dating a few weeks. Have you dated other men that didn't work out? Have you ever ended a relationship? Regardless of whatever label you have attributed to him, regardless of whatever control you feel he has, he is still just a man. If he has made you do something that he is threatening to expose you for (revenge porn?) then go speak to the guards and get advice.

If there is nothing like that at play then walk away.
You say it's not that simple, but it actually is. He might hound you and harass you to get back with him for a time but you can deal with that.

What's your alternative? Stay with him. Stay being belittled and humiliated. Eventually end up isolated from all friends and family. Possibly financially dependent on him. Pregnant and married?

He's not going to change. The relationship is not going to magically become lovely. You seem to have a fairly good idea of what you're facing. So your options are walk headlong into it with your eyes wide open or walk away.

There's no middle ground or "it's complicated".

Edit: if you feel stuck and feel it's not as easy to walk away as people advise you then tell someone. Tell your family. They'll make it easier for you!

Tork

OP, nobody here is going to break up with this man on your behalf. You are going to have to take responsibility for your part in what is going on and own your decisions. It doesn't matter whether this man is "only" a dick or has been promoted to narcissist in your mind. You still need to break up with him. The longer you stall on this, read your pop psychology, stick fancy labels on things and feel sorry for yourself, the harder it will be to end things.

I like Woodchuck's suggestion that you break up with him by text. Then block him everywhere. If you try to end this in person it will not end well for you. It's time to accept that he isn't going to change, you can't fix him and you will never be happy with him. I strongly suggest that you make an appointment with a counsellor and talk to them about this. Posting on boards can only help you so much. It's also an easier option for you and a stalling tactic.

anewme

helpleaving wrote: »

OP here. I understand that some of you see my post as being self indulgent or dramatic, but that wasn't my intention. I was trying to explain things as best I could. I know people say I should just leave, but I do feel I'm in a difficult situation that's hard to explain.

I haven't just met a "dick" I've met a manipulative man who has caused me a lot of pain and I am angry with myself for not walking away. Yes, I have personal choice, yes, I have personal responsibility. But I feel stuck and there is a powerful dynamic at play here that, unless you have ever been in, is hard to explain. It's like being pulled into a spiders web. And again, not to sound self pitying, but I really feel at my lowest because of this man.

I plan to leave him but unfortunately it's not as easy as I thought it would be. Whilst I appreciate constructive feedback please remember you're talking to a human being here and being overly harsh when I already feel awful is not helpful to me.

Thank you for the kind comments I have received.

Hi Op, do you have any friends or family you could speak to?

Unfortunately, you have just met an asshole and all of this empath in the grip of a narcissist is just nonsense.

Stop dressing it up as something else and making it out to be more than it is. You are wasting time and there is no reason why you should be with this person or find it hard to bin him.

I often find people who build things up like you are doing find it hard to take actions. Stop with the flowery language- Bring it back to basics- hes an asshole, you are not happy- on your bike mate! 2 months in, you owe him nothing.

No one is being overly harsh, there is no powerful dynamic at play,you are not in any difficult situation- he needs to be binned, end of. No planning to leave, just bye now! No goodbye 'talk' or end analysis either.

I would seek out a Counsellor to help with your own personal issues.

Purple Mountain

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Edit: if you feel stuck and feel it's not as easy to walk away as people advise you then tell someone. Tell your family. They'll make it easier for you!

Or just send him a text and say its not working, goodbye, don't contact me again.

splinter65

helpleaving wrote: »

OP here.

Thank you for this response. I'm so sorry you've ended up in this situation, as you and I both know it takes a huge toll on your mental health. I can so relate to everything you've said. It's only been 2 months and he's managed to undermine and shame me completely. I've also been told my stories are boring! Once he said "Why are you even telling me this?". It sort of shocks you into being quiet.

I am sorry for your pain, I really hope you will find a way to get away from this person and start rebuilding yourself.

Hi OP. I’m sorry that you are in this situation but I really feel that you need to get some help for your life going forward.
You only know this horrible guy a very very short time. You don’t live with him, you’re just dating. You can’t have spent any significant amount of time with him.You have not entered (I assume) into any financial contracts with him (or even booked a holiday) and yet you are here reaching out for help as to how to leave him.
There’s nothing to leave, is the truth. Tell him not to contact you any more. He’s not going to care. Well his massive ego won’t like it but because he doesn’t love you, and doesn’t even like you, he will forget all about you 5 minutes after you’ve left.
Block his number and block him on social media.
Ask your GP to recommend a counsellor who can help you to feel better about yourself in a healthy way because I have a lot of hope for you in that you at least recognise that you have a lot of problems.
My own brother has been married 35 years to this person and now his only child is about to do the same.
Just answer this one question. Would you like to be up at 4am with a sick baby and looking to this guy for support?

Idle Passerby

I think your putting too much emphasis on the amatuer psychology of your situation. You've obviously done a lot of reading and your pleased you've diagnosed him as a narcissist and yourself as an empath. Having made your diagnosis you seem to think you have no choice but to continue being typical of what you've decided you are. Are you perhaps enjoying the drama of being an "empath in the clutches of a narcissist"?

I agree that these dynamics are insidious and very difficult to leave but it's been a wet week OP. Your lives can't possibly be so entwined that you can't leave. You aren't a naive innocent, you know exactly what's going on so choosing to stay at this point is making the fully aware decision to continue being in a relationship that has got off to a bad start.

It doesn't make sense to come looking for advice when your basically saying : "I've just met a guy whose showing loads of red flags but I've decided I'm a nice person who doesn't dump arseholes. Please sympathise with my choice to stay with a loser I barely know."

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helpleaving wrote: »

But I feel stuck and there is a powerful dynamic at play here that, unless you have ever been in, is hard to explain. It's like being pulled into a spiders web. And again, not to sound self pitying, but I really feel at my lowest because of this man.

I plan to leave him but unfortunately it's not as easy as I thought it would be.

Imagine how much more difficult it will be in say 10 years time with a couple of kids and not a penny to your name. You'll be totally reliant on him.

You might not feel low about it then though because you'll have had years of manipulative behaviour and brainwashing so you will probably just think it's normal by then (so will your kids).

Believe me, you haven't even seen the spiders web yet. He seeing how far you're going to let this go, how much you'll accept. It's basically mental abuse at what should be the honeymoon stage of your relationship. Normally these guys aren't this obvious and it's only after years of subtle abuse that the penny drops.

Are things really that bad that you feel obliged remain in a dead end harmful relationship after just two months?

Where exactly do you see this going yourself?

Do yourself (and your family, friends and future kids) a favour and save yourself years of your life and cut this a**hole loose to go trouble someone else.

Big Bag of Chips

Idle Passerby wrote: »

You've obviously done a lot of reading....

In the first few weeks. You barely know him. You're only getting to know each other, and what you know you don't like. Yet are tying yourself in knots to come up with reasons why you can't do anything and just have to accept your lot.

What is he holding over your head? What has he got on you? Photos? Audio admission of you commiting an unsolved murder? Your fromt door key (change your locks?) Because after a few weeks it must be something big. Most people who get stuck in a relationship with a truly narcissistic person have been there for a very long time with it building up to where you are over years. You've gotten there in roughly 50 days?

Seriously, OP, this isn't as complicated as you are building it up to be. You know he's a dickhead. Other girls have walked away from him. What makes you different?

Big Bag of Chips

Your username is "helpleaving". Why?

You seem to believe that you can't leave and nobody understands so nobody can help you.

You've gotten advice from texting him, to ghosting him. Yet you say it's not possible. Why? Seriously, honestly think about why it's not possible. If you know you WILL leave him eventually, why not leave him now?

Unless there are very pertinent details that you have omitted in order to be deliberately vague and make the situation mysterious then there is no reason. If there is something then unless you give full details, people can't properly advise.

Deeper Blue

helpleaving wrote: »

OP here. I understand that some of you see my post as being self indulgent or dramatic, but that wasn't my intention. I was trying to explain things as best I could. I know people say I should just leave, but I do feel I'm in a difficult situation that's hard to explain.

I haven't just met a "dick" I've met a manipulative man who has caused me a lot of pain and I am angry with myself for not walking away. Yes, I have personal choice, yes, I have personal responsibility. But I feel stuck and there is a powerful dynamic at play here that, unless you have ever been in, is hard to explain. It's like being pulled into a spiders web. And again, not to sound self pitying, but I really feel at my lowest because of this man.

I plan to leave him but unfortunately it's not as easy as I thought it would be. Whilst I appreciate constructive feedback please remember you're talking to a human being here and being overly harsh when I already feel awful is not helpful to me.

Thank you for the kind comments I have received.

Based on the details you've given OP the bolded parts don't really make a lot of sense.

You're with this guy 2 months, what could have happened in that time that makes it so difficult to end it?

Is he connected to your group of friends? Or is he a family friend? I'm thinking it could be one of those two. Even if it is you need to end it and end it NOW.