Am I expecting too much?

J Mysterio wrote: »

Different people have different expectations. I expect to discuss everything with my partner. For me, it is always a 'we'. If that's an impossible ask, I need a different partner.

So now you're backtracking

Wouldn't be concerned about it whatsoever.

That is the friends problem, (that she's a selfish bxtch) doesn't mean your partner is

I've been the complete opposite one in a friendship, as has my friend.

People do stupid things, they have baggage.

Let her mess up her own life

I’m married and my husband and I don’t share everything with each other. No need for it. If he was told something in confidence by a friend and the first thing he does is tell me I’d feel that was a crappy thing to do.

I don’t think this is about the not telling. It’s the subject matter because a part of you is afraid your wife is going to do the same. You wouldn’t care if the conversation was about something trivial.

Either you trust your wife or you don’t. Her mates behaviour is no reflection on her

Interesting that the OP is thanking posts supporting his point of view and not the dissenters. Someone appears to only want to listen to one point of view.

Fair enough. No need to thank everybody though

notsoyoungwan wrote: »

I have ended a friendship because a friend of mine told her husband something deeply personal that I had confided in her.

Honestly if I was your friend and you dropped me for confiding in my confidante, I’d consider myself well rid tbh. Do you realise that you put a burden on other people when you tell them your secrets? If you want confidentiality, take it to a therapist and get doctor/patient privilege. Otherwise if you’re just unloading deeply personal stuff onto normal people with their own lives, if they have empathy they then have to process that themselves and doing so by telling their partner is the most natural thing in the world. Especially once they’ve married, that’s literally a signal to the world that this is now your number one confidante who you’ll share everything with. It’s in the vows like.

As a rule of thumb, if I tell someone something, I consider that I’m also telling their partner. If I don’t want their partner to know, I say nothing to them. But do I expect a partner to tell me everything? Absolutely not. A lot of stuff I don’t even want to know and they have the right to keep their friend’s secrets if that’s what they wish to do.

OP I think the fact that this is about cheating is what’s making this troubling for you. If it was about women’s issues, for example, would you be angry she didn’t tell you? And I get it, whether she realises it or not your gf is taking a stance to permit cheating by her friend and keeping it a secret. It’s fair to worry what her own thoughts are as a result. I’d be anti-cheating and lose respect for a friend if they told me they’d cheated. I’d have no problem telling a partner, as long as I trusted them not to interfere, because I’d need to vent and figure out how I now felt about my friend.

In this case, I’d connect with what exactly is bothering you about this and have a conversation about it. Your concerns aren’t unfounded: I had an ex before who was pretty wishy-washy about how cheating at work nights out was common in her job and you’ll never guess how that relationship ended. It happens. But this could also just as easily be a sign that your partner is really trustworthy too and just respects her friend’s right to privacy. The only way you’ll get a firm grip on it is by cutting to the core and asking out straight in a safe, open conversation. Ignore the ‘partners shouldn’t keep secrets stuff’ that’ll just distract and escalate and ask the questions you actually want to ask.

Dani2020 wrote: »

Yeah I think its definitely the nature of it thats bothering me.... as you said if it was something else, a row with her husband or whatever I wouldn't want to know and it wouldn't bother me in the slightest, nor do I want to know the details of this incident, I would just have rathered my partner say it to me rather being like oh yeah party was great, there was no other craic with her. I suppose as you said it just comes down to a wishy washy attitude about cheating. Good advice there, thank you Leggo

Maybe your wife has got to the point where she just doesn’t say anything about the cheating because there’s no point? Her friend is an adult, from what you’ve said she’s done this before. Presumably your wife has made her feelings known on cheating. That’s not going to stop her friend. It would be very easy to say she should ditch the friendship because they don’t agree on the cheating thing. It’s not that simple. If they’ve been friends a long time there’s a lot more to their relationship that the opposing views of her friend cheating.

Sometimes it’s just not worth the hassle of continually making your opinion known on an issue when the friend is not going to change. Doesn’t mean you approve of their actions.

leggo wrote: »

Honestly if I was your friend and you dropped me for confiding in my confidante, I’d consider myself well rid tbh. Do you realise that you put a burden on other people when you tell them your secrets? If you want confidentiality, take it to a therapist and get doctor/patient privilege. Otherwise if you’re just unloading deeply personal stuff onto normal people with their own lives, if they have empathy they then have to process that themselves and doing so by telling their partner is the most natural thing in the world. Especially once they’ve married, that’s literally a signal to the world that this is now your number one confidante who you’ll share everything with. It’s in the vows like.

As a rule of thumb, if I tell someone something, I consider that I’m also telling their partner. If I don’t want their partner to know, I say nothing to them. But do I expect a partner to tell me everything? Absolutely not. A lot of stuff I don’t even want to know and they have the right to keep their friend’s secrets if that’s what they wish to do

And I consider myself well rid of the ‘friend’ who divulged something I had told her in confidence. It wasn’t something that was burdensome, it wasn’t anything traumatic or stressful, in fact it was quite light-hearted but nonetheless it was something personal and private that I didn’t want others to know, and my friend knew that. She told her husband because it was good gossip, not because she was ‘burdened’ by keeping it a secret and needed to offload it. She even opened by saying “here, you’ll enjoy this...” before going on to tell him what it was. It certainly wasn’t anything I needed to see a counsellor about. Secrets or private matters aren’t all negative, you know.

I don’t agree that being married is a signal to the world that you’ll “share everything” with your spouse. I think the “all my worldly goods” bit of the vows refers to exactly that, worldly goods, not information you’ve been asked by a friend to keep private. Married people still have friendships, relationships with siblings etc and within close friendships there is generally an expectation of trust. At least, there is in every close friendship I’ve ever had. I find this “I tell my spouse everything, married people don’t have secrets’ attitude bizarre. I wonder if those who have that attitude actively inform their friends about it? Or do they assume that the friends assume it? I suspect their friends would drop off if they were told that everything they said would be disclosed to the spouse.

I would be very offended and hurt if a friend automatically chose to relay everything I’d said to their partner. If I wanted their partner to know, I’d tell them myself. I wouldn’t trust a friend who did that, and it would change my relationship from friend to acquaintance, ie they’d be told nothing.

I also do not understand why some relationships seem to involve a lack of privacy. Both parties are still independent people. Of course they have shared day to day life / goals etc. But thinking a partner feels entitled to know what their other half’s friends are doing / saying - that just makes me allergic.

In this instance, I think the concern is really that the OP’s other half isn’t making a big deal of condemning her friend, and the OP is worried that’s because she’ll behave in the same way as her friend. So ultimately it’s coming down to trust issues.

J Mysterio wrote: »

Goes to show that people have very different ideas as regards partners and marraige. Underlines the importance of being clear what you are looking for when dating, and to discuss things openly before commiting

In relation to this, if someone I was dating told me they had an expectation that if we ‘committed’ I would then share the the confidences of my friends, breach their trust, just so we who were partners would be ‘sharing everything’, I would be utterly dumbstruck. My closest friends have been in my life for decades. There is a huge amount of history between us. If a relatively new partner thought he could come along and announce he expected everything to be shared, it would baffle me. I wouldn’t be long telling him to fcuk right off.

To my close friends, I am fiercely loyal and trustworthy. I’m proud of that. I’m a damn good friend to have. And that will never change. Not for anyone or their expectations.

To me OP, what you’ve said comes across as completely inappropriate - feeling entitled to confidences being broken, and a bit controlling.

I believe that your real concern is underneath it it all that your partner will cheat on you, just like her friend has done. We are not our friends though! Nor do we slavishly mimic their behaviour. Do you actually trust your partner?

notsoyoungwan wrote: »

Re the marriage vows mean sharing of ‘worldly goods’ I was referring to another poster who said people should expect married people to share everything with their spouse as their marriage is a signal to the world that that’s what they’re going to do, and s/he referenced it being mentioned in marriage vows. So my response was that in my opinion the ‘sharing’ in marriage vows meant possessions etc not the private and personal information about friends- it’s been a long time since I was at a wedding but aren’t the vows something like “all that I have I give to you”, or isn’t there an exchange of a coin to symbolise possessions etc? I don’t recall ever hearing a couple vow to never have a secret and to tell each other everything their friends tell them.

I don’t take any offence at your pity, but I do find your opinion strange and quite bizarre. I don’t see why having a loving committed relationship and keeping a friend’s personal info private are mutually exclusive. I couldn’t bear someone expecting me to disclose everything - I would find it overbearing, controlling, disrespectful and rude. I couldn’t tolerate the level of dependence and being ‘in each other’s pockets’ that this implies.

But as you say, each to their own.

I dunno...I just find all of this an odd, slightly unhealthy attitude towards intimacy. A lot of people hate the idea of having to keep stuff from their partners, a lot of people appreciate having a confidante that they can share all of their thoughts and experiences with. They’re all reasonable, healthy attitudes towards a relationship, and the person you’re married to is the most important relationship you’ll have (aside from children you rear, but on a peer level). They’re your priority, not your random, demanding friend who’ll drop you over what you described as unimportant goss.

Nobody is saying YOU have to disclose everything to a partner, you’re gaslighting with that point because you’re not even in the relationship in the example you gave: all that’s being said to you is you have no right to make those demands of a relationship that doesn’t involve you.

I find it weirdly intense tbh that you not only want, but demand to the point of ending the friendship, that friends put you on the same level of trust/intimacy as their partners and should compromise if they want to have open, honest communication with their partner for you. You might downplay it as “Oh no I just don’t want my super secret, interesting goss shared” but, whether you realise it or not, that’s what you’re doing here by demanding this off others. If someone was going to unload stuff on me under the expectation that I never breathe a word of it to another living soul, even my partner, I’d just opt out of wanting them to tell me stuff. I’m a normal person who never agreed to this, and I may wish to process whatever you tell me by discussing it with someone I trust. Fair enough I won’t interfere by running off and telling other people involved or affected, but if I want to do so by talking to my partner in bed, that doesn’t make me an awful person deserving of being dropped as you seem to suppose it makes your friend. Again, talk to a counsellor if you want to unload stuff on others and be guaranteed confidentiality. And even then counsellors also receive counselling to cope with the stuff that they hear because talking about this stuff is a natural way of dealing with it! YOU’RE even talking about it to your friend, but you don’t give them the same courtesy to do so!

Now I may CHOOSE not to tell a partner certain stuff, but that should be my choice to make the same way it’s yours in your own relationship. I shouldn’t feel pressured into making that choice by one overly-demanding friend who’s over-stepping their boundaries with their expectations of what I should/shouldn’t share within my relationship.

leggo wrote: »

I dunno...I just find all of this an odd, slightly unhealthy attitude towards intimacy. A lot of people hate the idea of having to keep stuff from their partners, a lot of people appreciate having a confidante that they can share all of their thoughts and experiences with.

That's all well and good once it's your own stuff your sharing, not somebody else's.