Am I expecting too much?

Dani2020

Hi guys,

Long time lurker, first time poster to boards! Just looking for some advice. My other half's best friend has been married for the past 5 or 6 years. During this time she has cheated on her husband at least twice that I know of. Let me just say from the off that I don't care what her friend does, it's her life and while I don't condone her actions it's not my place to say anything to her about it. Anyways last weekend this friend had a party and ended up kissing some other guy at it (that wasn't her husband), we weren't at the party but she rang my partner the next day to tell her/vent/off load her conscience, whatever .... anyways when I asked my partner after the phone call was there any craic with her friend, how the party went, etc. she brushed it off and didn't say anything about what had gone on at it. I only found out incidentally afterwards what had happened.

So basically guys what I'm asking is in a long term committed relationship what do you expect from your partner when it comes to their friends? Just to be clear I don't want to know every conversation my partner has with her friend but I just feel like something like that it feels a bit sneaky or hidden that she didn't mention it to me when I asked .... I suppose its more to do with the nature of it, kind of feels like she's covering up for her friend .....I dunno, I dunno if I have the right to feel a bit miffed about it

sadie1502

Dani2020 wrote: »

Hi guys,

Long time lurker, first time poster to boards! Just looking for some advice. My other half's best friend has been married for the past 5 or 6 years. During this time she has cheated on her husband at least twice that I know of. Let me just say from the off that I don't care what her friend does, it's her life and while I don't condone her actions it's not my place to say anything to her about it. Anyways last weekend this friend had a party and ended up kissing some other guy at it (that wasn't her husband), we weren't at the party but she rang my partner the next day to tell her/vent/off load her conscience, whatever .... anyways when I asked my partner after the phone call was there any craic with her friend, how the party went, etc. she brushed it off and didn't say anything about what had gone on at it. I only found out incidentally afterwards what had happened.

So basically guys what I'm asking is in a long term committed relationship what do you expect from your partner when it comes to their friends? Just to be clear I don't want to know every conversation my partner has with her friend but I just feel like something like that it feels a bit sneaky or hidden that she didn't mention it to me when I asked .... I suppose its more to do with the nature of it, kind of feels like she's covering up for her friend .....I dunno, I dunno if I have the right to feel a bit miffed about it

Maybe she doesn't want you to judge her friend. Maybe her friend asked her to say nothing. She sounds like a good friend your partner. I wouldn't be worrying about it. I dont see how its sneaky it doesn't concern you. Forget about it.

Dani2020

Thanks for the replies guys.

shafty100

are you thinking that your partner could be at the same behind your back ,birds of a feather

Dtp1979

shafty100 wrote: »

are you thinking that your partner could be at the same behind your back ,birds of a feather

....Always flock together in my experience

Dani2020

Not even so much that, just that my partner never seems to pull her up much on it, like I would with my friends. Like if it was my friend I would be straight out saying that's not ok, I love ya and all but pull your **** together. Like I don't know what she said to the friend this time round but I know the previous times she didn't encourage it in any way but kinda laughed it off and was telling the friend she needed to mind herself. I suppose I just don't like that she doesn't pull her up more about it and as I said this time she acted like nothing happened

sadie1502

Dtp1979 wrote: »

....Always flock together in my experience

Absolute rubbish.

Dtp1979

sadie1502 wrote: »

Absolute rubbish.

In your opinion/experience sure. In mine, it’s not rubbish. So you can’t rubbish what I say in MY experience.

um7y1h83ge06nx

Dani2020 wrote: »

Not even so much that, just that my partner never seems to pull her up much on it, like I would with my friends. Like if it was my friend I would be straight out saying that's not ok, I love ya and all but pull your **** together. Like I don't know what she said to the friend this time round but I know the previous times she didn't encourage it in any way but kinda laughed it off and was telling the friend she needed to mind herself. I suppose I just don't like that she doesn't pull her up more about it and as I said this time she acted like nothing happened

Maybe your wife doesn't want to ruin her friendship but giving some straight advice to get friend. Maybe your wife is living vicariously through your friend too and gets a kick out of the gossip. So hard to know for sure.

bitofabind

Dani2020 wrote: »

Not even so much that, just that my partner never seems to pull her up much on it, like I would with my friends. Like if it was my friend I would be straight out saying that's not ok, I love ya and all but pull your **** together. Like I don't know what she said to the friend this time round but I know the previous times she didn't encourage it in any way but kinda laughed it off and was telling the friend she needed to mind herself. I suppose I just don't like that she doesn't pull her up more about it and as I said this time she acted like nothing happened

...which is probably why she didn't tell you. She knows you wouldn't be ok with it and would judge both her friend and her for her handling of it. Which is grand and understandable (I'd be the same.) But for whatever reason, your partner has decided to take a different approach and that's her right.

It'd make it immeasurably awkward for you to be privy to all of this friend's discrepancies and then have her come around for tea, or meet her in the pub with her husband, etc etc.

Dani2020

bitofabind wrote: »

...which is probably why she didn't tell you. She knows you wouldn't be ok with it and would judge both her friend and her for her handling of it. Which is grand and understandable (I'd be the same.) But for whatever reason, your partner has decided to take a different approach and that's her right.

It'd make it immeasurably awkward for you to be privy to all of this friend's discrepancies and then have her come around for tea, or meet her in the pub with her husband, etc etc.

True! And I totally get that, just don't like secrets in a relationship, as I said I don't want to know all the details of their friendship but if there's something my other half is deliberately avoiding telling me it makes me uncomfortable. Just an awkward situation I suppose, probably overthinking it!

bitofabind

Dani2020 wrote: »

True! And I totally get that, just don't like secrets in a relationship, as I said I don't want to know all the details of their friendship but if there's something my other half is deliberately avoiding telling me it makes me uncomfortable. Just an awkward situation I suppose, probably overthinking it!

Well in this case, she can't really give you half the information can she? Like the friend cheated, you're either gonna know or not know that. It's not your partner's job to lie for her or water down the details so she probably thought, I'll just not mention it. I get your conflicted feelings about it, as I absolutely abhor cheating too and any cover-ups I'd consider to be a defence of that behaviour. But there's a bit more to it than that if your partner doesn't want to lose this friend or have both her friend and her partner in the same room at any stage in the future.

Dani2020

Well that's it, like you I can't stand cheating and I find it hard when people defend it in one shape or another but S you said this is more complicated, they've been friends for years, the friends family was there for my partner when she lost her own parents in her early 20s, etc. so it's not clear cut. You made lots of sense there, thanks

Panthro

Why would ya want to hear other people's guff?!
That's my (slightly selfish) take on it!
Other than a good gossip sesh of course.
If your partner wants to talk about her friends shenanigans to you in confidence, sound be a good partner and listen/offer advise whatever.
But if she doesn't then happy days I say.
Ignorance is bliss.

Hannibal_Smith

Dani2020 wrote: »

True! And I totally get that, just don't like secrets in a relationship, as I said I don't want to know all the details of their friendship but if there's something my other half is deliberately avoiding telling me it makes me uncomfortable. Just an awkward situation I suppose, probably overthinking it!

If a friend says something to her in confidence, that's between the two of them though? It's not deliberately keeping something from you that is important to you or your relationship, she's being loyal to her friend.

cannotlogin

Why do you even want to know the details?
It just seems strange that you would even want to know. Your wife probably isn't very impressed by either either but doesn't want to fall out with this girl given how supportive her parents were.

I have a friend like this. If they aren't married or have a girlfriend, she just isn't interested. I've told her a million times, I don't want to hear it and that I really don't like it and that she's worth more but might as well be talking to the wall. Family connections & various other things mean cutting her off would do more harm than good & I feel sorry for her in ways. Her updates bore the hell out of me & bring out the judgmental side of me which I don't like. I wouldn't dream of boring a partner with the details as it bad enough one of us has to listen to it. Perhaps your wife is similar.

Dani2020

cannotlogin wrote: »

Why do you even want to know the details?
It just seems strange that you would even want to know. Your wife probably isn't very impressed by either either but doesn't want to fall out with this girl given how supportive her parents were.

I have a friend like this. If they aren't married or have a girlfriend, she just isn't interested. I've told her a million times, I don't want to hear it and that I really don't like it and that she's worth more but might as well be talking to the wall. Family connections & various other things mean cutting her off would do more harm than good & I feel sorry for her in ways. Her updates bore the hell out of me & bring out the judgmental side of me which I don't like. I wouldn't dream of boring a partner with the details as it bad enough one of us has to listen to it. Perhaps your wife is similar.

Its not that I want to hear the "details" so to speak at all, I suppose I just would have preferred if when I had asked if there was any craic with her or how did the party go she would have replied with something like awh you know the usual drama with .... or whatever. But I completely take what you said on board, as I said I'm just over thinking things I think 🙃

rainbowtrout

Dani2020 wrote: »

Its not that I want to hear the "details" so to speak at all, I suppose I just would have preferred if when I had asked if there was any craic with her or how did the party go she would have replied with something like awh you know the usual drama with .... or whatever. But I completely take what you said on board, as I said I'm just over thinking things I think 🙃

If I'm speaking to one of my married friends in confidence, I'm speaking to her, not her husband, they are not one person. Whatever you might think about how this friend behaves, you're not entitled to know all the details of her life just because your wife happens to be her friend.

J Mysterio

Dani2020 wrote: »

Not even so much that, just that my partner never seems to pull her up much on it, like I would with my friends. Like if it was my friend I would be straight out saying that's not ok, I love ya and all but pull your **** together. Like I don't know what she said to the friend this time round but I know the previous times she didn't encourage it in any way but kinda laughed it off and was telling the friend she needed to mind herself. I suppose I just don't like that she doesn't pull her up more about it and as I said this time she acted like nothing happened

I agree with you, I would expect more.

I would also expect that you could share and discuss these kind of things.

Tork

rainbowtrout wrote: »

If I'm speaking to one of my married friends in confidence, I'm speaking to her, not her husband, they are not one person.

This ☝️
I can't stand couples who've changed from being an "I" to a "we" and tell each everything. Even things that were told to them in confidence :mad:

You're making a big deal out of nothing here. Your partner is in an awkward position here. She probably disapproves of her friend's behaviour but doesn't want to fall out with her. That's why people compartmentalise their friendships at times. The classic "hate the sin but not the sinner" scenario. The philandering friend can also be the one who'd walk over hot coals for you and will never let you down. Gossiping about transgressions is a risky business anyway. Once secrets get out, they can go anywhere.

J Mysterio

Tork wrote: »

This ☝️
I can't stand couples who've changed from being an "I" to a "we" and tell each everything. Even things that were told to them in confidence :mad:

Different people have different expectations. I expect to discuss everything with my partner. For me, it is always a 'we'. If that's an impossible ask, I need a different partner.

TheBoyConor

Why do you think you deserve to know information that was passed to you wife by *her* friend?

You may be married, but that doesn't mean you are entitled to unfettered access to the deals of all her conversations with *her* friends.

To me, that attitude hints at a controlling streak in a partner.

Either way, it is simply none of your business what this friend does. Keep your nose out of the gossip trough.

rainbowtrout

J Mysterio wrote: »

Different people have different expectations. I expect to discuss everything with my partner. For me, it is always a 'we'. If that's an impossible ask, I need a different partner.

It's not the wife's story to tell. Now the fact that this happened at a party does mean that it might become public knowledge anyway depending on who was there, but that's not really the point.

If the friend was phoning because she was having personal problems - was diagnosed with a serious illness, had relationship problems, wanted to talk about something that had happened her in her past, etc etc, and was looking for advice or support, but absolutely did not want it to go any further, then it's not your business. The friend is entitled to privacy. It's not about you.

I was out one weekend years ago with a girl I was good friends with. A few days earlier I told her something personal that had happened to me. She was a pretty discreet person and is quite private about her own life. Met herself and her boyfriend in the pub the following weekend. It was just the three of us. We weren't sitting down five minutes when he comes out with 'So I hear you...', because she had told him. I replied 'I didn't realise that was public knowledge'. To give her her due she immediately said 'I shouldn't have said anything'. Which she shouldn't, her boyfriend had no business knowing that detail about my life, I didn't want him to know, and I didn't want to discuss it with him.

J Mysterio

rainbowtrout wrote: »

It's not the wife's story to tell. Now the fact that this happened at a party does mean that it might become public knowledge anyway depending on who was there, but that's not really the point.

If the friend was phoning because she was having personal problems - was diagnosed with a serious illness, had relationship problems, wanted to talk about something that had happened her in her past, etc etc, and was looking for advice or support, but absolutely did not want it to go any further, then it's not your business. The friend is entitled to privacy. It's not about you.

I was out one weekend years ago with a girl I was good friends with. A few days earlier I told her something personal that had happened to me. She was a pretty discreet person and is quite private about her own life. Met herself and her boyfriend in the pub the following weekend. It was just the three of us. We weren't sitting down five minutes when he comes out with 'So I hear you...', because she had told him. I replied 'I didn't realise that was public knowledge'. To give her her due she immediately said 'I shouldn't have said anything'. Which she shouldn't, her boyfriend had no business knowing that detail about my life, I didn't want him to know, and I didn't want to discuss it with him.

I understand your point, but this calls into question the judgment of your friend in terms of the partner they haven chosen. Obviously it's unacceptable for him to have casually said this in such a scenario.

rainbowtrout

J Mysterio wrote: »

I understand your point, but this calls into question the judgment of your friend in terms of the partner they haven chosen. Obviously it's unacceptable for him to have casually said this in such a scenario.

I would say it calls into question my friend's reasoning as to why she thought she should share that information with him. Presumably he thought that it was ok to ask as she had told him about it. She was the one who revealed my personal information to someone else. Anyway it's a long time ago and doesn't matter now.

J Mysterio

I think it boils down to trust. Either you trust your partner enough that you can share things in the knowledge that it's between you - and you only - or you can't. If you feel you can't, because they will say something stupid, or make a mistake, maybe it's not the right match. In my opinion, you have to be able to share everything openly.

ongarboy

J Mysterio wrote: »

Different people have different expectations. I expect to discuss everything with my partner. For me, it is always a 'we'. If that's an impossible ask, I need a different partner.

If you mean the relationship should have healthy, mutual and consenting open communication, then yes I agree but if you insist on knowing everything your partner does, where she is, who she is with and everything she discussed at all times, than that is a controlling streak that screams the Patrick Bergin character in Sleeping With The Enemy. You are in essence also expecting your partner to give up their individual identity if she has to replace it with your "combined" identity and that is not healthy in my opinion.

If you confided in a good mate about a very personal, sensitive or embarrassing matter (financial/health/sexual/family etc), would you have no problem with him running back to his partner to share all the details because him and the partner (who you may incidentally not know well or even dislike) are one and the same?

Tork

J Mysterio wrote: »

Different people have different expectations. I expect to discuss everything with my partner. For me, it is always a 'we'. If that's an impossible ask, I need a different partner.

Absolutely everything?? So if I was your partner's best friend and I told them that I was going for a cancer screening or was worried about my elderly mother, these confidential conversations would be relayed to you?

KiKi III

Any time I tell a married friend something and say “don’t tell anyone”, I assume that means no one beyond their spouse.

I’d be hurt if it was me.

Tork

ongarboy wrote: »

.

If you confided in a good mate about a very personal, sensitive or embarrassing matter (financial/health/sexual/family etc), would you have no problem with him running back to his partner to share all the details because him and the partner (who you may incidentally not know well or even dislike) are one and the same?

If we apply that logic, the only friends any of us should be confiding in are the single ones.

J Mysterio

ongarboy wrote: »

If you mean the relationship should have healthy, mutual and consenting open communication, then yes I agree but if you insist on knowing everything your partner does, where she is, who she is with and everything she discussed at all times, than that is a controlling streak that screams the Patrick Bergin character in Sleeping With The Enemy. You are in essence also expecting your partner to give up their individual identity if she has to replace it with your "combined" identity and that is not healthy in my opinion.

If you confided in a good mate about a very personal, sensitive or embarrassing matter (financial/health/sexual/family etc), would you have no problem with him running back to his partner to share all the details because him and the partner (who you may incidentally not know well or even dislike) are one and the same?

The scenario you postulate is quite to different to what is actually being discussed.

Tork

J Mysterio wrote: »

Different people have different expectations. I expect to discuss everything with my partner. For me, it is always a 'we'. If that's an impossible ask, I need a different partner.

So now you're backtracking

J Mysterio

Tork wrote: »

So now you're backtracking

Please demonstrate how I am 'backtracking'. Cheers.

dartboardio

Wouldn't be concerned about it whatsoever.

That is the friends problem, (that she's a selfish bxtch) doesn't mean your partner is

I've been the complete opposite one in a friendship, as has my friend.

People do stupid things, they have baggage.

Let her mess up her own life

Esse85

Do you tell your wife absolutely everything OP or do you hold some stories back?

eviltwin

I’m married and my husband and I don’t share everything with each other. No need for it. If he was told something in confidence by a friend and the first thing he does is tell me I’d feel that was a crappy thing to do.

I don’t think this is about the not telling. It’s the subject matter because a part of you is afraid your wife is going to do the same. You wouldn’t care if the conversation was about something trivial.

Either you trust your wife or you don’t. Her mates behaviour is no reflection on her

notsoyoungwan

I really despise the ‘husband and wife must share everything’ brigade. They must be really 5hit friends. I have ended a friendship because a friend of mine told her husband something deeply personal that I had confided in her. I was friendly with her husband, but casually so, we wouldn’t have been friends if we didn’t have his wife in common. He wasn’t someone I wanted knowing that info about me. And she told him in front of me. She didn’t think that I was entitled to privacy and to think that I could confide in a friend without it going further.

Tork

Interesting that the OP is thanking posts supporting his point of view and not the dissenters. Someone appears to only want to listen to one point of view.

mouldybiscuits

Dani2020 wrote: »

True! And I totally get that, just don't like secrets in a relationship, as I said I don't want to know all the details of their friendship but if there's something my other half is deliberately avoiding telling me it makes me uncomfortable. Just an awkward situation I suppose, probably overthinking it!

I'd feel the same way if I was in your shoes. It's the kind of secret I'd share with my other half (in confidence) so I'd expect them to do the same.

Dani2020

Esse85 wrote: »

Do you tell your wife absolutely everything OP or do you hold some stories back?

I talk to my partner openly about everything . As I said I don't want to hear the details of every conversation that happened nor would I have wanted to know the "details" of this incident but if it had been the other way round and my partner had asked me I would have said yeah she said the party went well but there was the usual drama with .... and to be honest if she had said that I probably wouldn't have asked any more .....my partner has told me previous times about this friend so she knows I'd never say it to anyone, would never have brought it up with the friend or wouldn't have made it awkward ....I've been out with the friend several times since any of the previous transgressions. Anyway I suppose its just the fact that my partner avoided saying anything this time....I don't want her to feel as if she can't talk to me or that there's a reason she's avoiding it. Thanks for all the replies guys, interesting to get different peoples take on it

Dani2020

Tork wrote: »

Interesting that the OP is thanking posts supporting his point of view and not the dissenters. Someone appears to only want to listen to one point of view.

Apologies Tork, didn't mean to offend anyone, nor did I mean that I wasn't thankful for everyone sharing their point of view ....it was just sort of acknowledging that that was how I was feeling about it, not that any other views were invalid. I've went back and thanked everyone there now

Tork

Fair enough. No need to thank everybody though

hairyprincess

It’s not your business.

I have a friend who, I found out a few years ago, was telling her husband about my personal business. Now I am very careful with what I tell her, I don’t tell her anything that I don’t mind him knowing about. It’s unfortunate but that’s how it is.

leggo

notsoyoungwan wrote: »

I have ended a friendship because a friend of mine told her husband something deeply personal that I had confided in her.

Honestly if I was your friend and you dropped me for confiding in my confidante, I’d consider myself well rid tbh. Do you realise that you put a burden on other people when you tell them your secrets? If you want confidentiality, take it to a therapist and get doctor/patient privilege. Otherwise if you’re just unloading deeply personal stuff onto normal people with their own lives, if they have empathy they then have to process that themselves and doing so by telling their partner is the most natural thing in the world. Especially once they’ve married, that’s literally a signal to the world that this is now your number one confidante who you’ll share everything with. It’s in the vows like.

As a rule of thumb, if I tell someone something, I consider that I’m also telling their partner. If I don’t want their partner to know, I say nothing to them. But do I expect a partner to tell me everything? Absolutely not. A lot of stuff I don’t even want to know and they have the right to keep their friend’s secrets if that’s what they wish to do.

OP I think the fact that this is about cheating is what’s making this troubling for you. If it was about women’s issues, for example, would you be angry she didn’t tell you? And I get it, whether she realises it or not your gf is taking a stance to permit cheating by her friend and keeping it a secret. It’s fair to worry what her own thoughts are as a result. I’d be anti-cheating and lose respect for a friend if they told me they’d cheated. I’d have no problem telling a partner, as long as I trusted them not to interfere, because I’d need to vent and figure out how I now felt about my friend.

In this case, I’d connect with what exactly is bothering you about this and have a conversation about it. Your concerns aren’t unfounded: I had an ex before who was pretty wishy-washy about how cheating at work nights out was common in her job and you’ll never guess how that relationship ended. It happens. But this could also just as easily be a sign that your partner is really trustworthy too and just respects her friend’s right to privacy. The only way you’ll get a firm grip on it is by cutting to the core and asking out straight in a safe, open conversation. Ignore the ‘partners shouldn’t keep secrets stuff’ that’ll just distract and escalate and ask the questions you actually want to ask.

tara73

Didn't read all of the posts but have to agree with the majority here if your wife decided to not call out on this friend for her behaviour she has her reasons for it. It doesn't has to mean she supports cheating.

But as I get it, that's not your point OP. I think there might be, as so often in relationships, a communication issue going on here. I think you feel a bit disrespected and I can understand it to a point. A partner who's kind of listening to a friends stories of cheating and not giving some form of disapprovement would leave me with a bit of a bad taste in my mouth too.

And this is what I mean with communication issue, she doesn't has to tell you the details, but is she telling you (or did you ask?) why she's kind of accepting the friends behaviour or even getting into gossiping about it? I think this is the important point, you need to know why she's not condoning it, nothing more. And I think you know and already gave the (or one of) the answer here, this friend and her family did a lot for your wife when she needed people to help her in extreme situations. Yor wife simply doesn't want to do anything risking falling out with her friend and possibly their family because they mean so much to her.

I think you just need to accept that.
But then nobody knows your wife here, maybe she thinks cheating isn't a big deal. Only you know your wife and should be able after years of knowing her to tell what it is.

Dani2020

leggo wrote: »

Honestly if I was your friend and you dropped me for confiding in my confidante, I’d consider myself well rid tbh. Do you realise that you put a burden on other people when you tell them your secrets? If you want confidentiality, take it to a therapist and get doctor/patient privilege. Otherwise if you’re just unloading deeply personal stuff onto normal people with their own lives, if they have empathy they then have to process that themselves and doing so by telling their partner is the most natural thing in the world. Especially once they’ve married, that’s literally a signal to the world that this is now your number one confidante who you’ll share everything with. It’s in the vows like.

As a rule of thumb, if I tell someone something, I consider that I’m also telling their partner. If I don’t want their partner to know, I say nothing to them. But do I expect a partner to tell me everything? Absolutely not. A lot of stuff I don’t even want to know and they have the right to keep their friend’s secrets if that’s what they wish to do.

OP I think the fact that this is about cheating is what’s making this troubling for you. If it was about women’s issues, for example, would you be angry she didn’t tell you? And I get it, whether she realises it or not your gf is taking a stance to permit cheating by her friend and keeping it a secret. It’s fair to worry what her own thoughts are as a result. I’d be anti-cheating and lose respect for a friend if they told me they’d cheated. I’d have no problem telling a partner, as long as I trusted them not to interfere, because I’d need to vent and figure out how I now felt about my friend.

In this case, I’d connect with what exactly is bothering you about this and have a conversation about it. Your concerns aren’t unfounded: I had an ex before who was pretty wishy-washy about how cheating at work nights out was common in her job and you’ll never guess how that relationship ended. It happens. But this could also just as easily be a sign that your partner is really trustworthy too and just respects her friend’s right to privacy. The only way you’ll get a firm grip on it is by cutting to the core and asking out straight in a safe, open conversation. Ignore the ‘partners shouldn’t keep secrets stuff’ that’ll just distract and escalate and ask the questions you actually want to ask.

Yeah I think its definitely the nature of it thats bothering me.... as you said if it was something else, a row with her husband or whatever I wouldn't want to know and it wouldn't bother me in the slightest, nor do I want to know the details of this incident, I would just have rathered my partner say it to me rather being like oh yeah party was great, there was no other craic with her. I suppose as you said it just comes down to a wishy washy attitude about cheating. Good advice there, thank you Leggo

JustAThought

The OP does not know what the conversation iwas about. It could be about body odour, ingrowing septic hairs, a cancer diagnosis, gambling debt - they have no idea and are making suppositions based on a scenario they heard about through rumour and on now in the internet asking people what they think.

Confidentiality matters. Trust matters. It seems the OP does not trust their partner based and also does not believe in confidielity - ironiclly.

Is the real issue that the OP is hurt that their partner is ‘excluding’ them and they feel
left out. And that they have decided the conversation was about X matter that others know about so they are doubly ‘hurt’ that they have been excluded as they are not privy to unside gossip. Either way, you cannot expect
to know or be part of everyrhing in your partners life - particularly with things that their friends tell them about their lives.

You should be admiring for partner for their ability to keep their word - surely a reflection of their character and values to stick to something they committed to and keep their promises.

OP - take the matter out of your mind and stop
obsessing about it. Best IMO you can do is sY sorry to your partner for
putting her under pressure but you felt left as you are imagining it is something everybody is gossiping about and you feel you are being excluded and left out but you know it is none of your business and nothing to do with you.

Peoples bonds with their friends can be cery strong and go back decades and cover all kinds of things tou are not privy to or cannot imagine that are part of the reason they have such a strong friendship. Expecting to force yourself into that friendship or be part of it or wanting to know everything ( or select things) that have nothing to do with you is inappropriate and will drive a spike between you and your partner. Do you not have something of your own to be doing or friends of your own to be hanging out with or chatting with? Stop interfering in your partners conversations and stop trying to be a third wheel in a friendship - there are probably many reasons you are not part of this friendship so leave it and focus on the good in your relationship and not being insecure and wanting to control and know everything the hear and know or imagining the worst - infedility/cheating/end of your relationship just because she had a private conversation and you don’t know what was said. It is the stuff of the chronically insecure and IMO will ruin your relationship if you let your thinking and suspicions like this continue.

rainbowtrout

Dani2020 wrote: »

Yeah I think its definitely the nature of it thats bothering me.... as you said if it was something else, a row with her husband or whatever I wouldn't want to know and it wouldn't bother me in the slightest, nor do I want to know the details of this incident, I would just have rathered my partner say it to me rather being like oh yeah party was great, there was no other craic with her. I suppose as you said it just comes down to a wishy washy attitude about cheating. Good advice there, thank you Leggo

Maybe your wife has got to the point where she just doesn’t say anything about the cheating because there’s no point? Her friend is an adult, from what you’ve said she’s done this before. Presumably your wife has made her feelings known on cheating. That’s not going to stop her friend. It would be very easy to say she should ditch the friendship because they don’t agree on the cheating thing. It’s not that simple. If they’ve been friends a long time there’s a lot more to their relationship that the opposing views of her friend cheating.

Sometimes it’s just not worth the hassle of continually making your opinion known on an issue when the friend is not going to change. Doesn’t mean you approve of their actions.

blarb

rainbowtrout wrote: »

Maybe your wife has got to the point where she just doesn’t say anything about the cheating because there’s no point? Her friend is an adult, from what you’ve said she’s done this before. Presumably your wife has made her feelings known on cheating. That’s not going to stop her friend. It would be very easy to say she should ditch the friendship because they don’t agree on the cheating thing. It’s not that simple. If they’ve been friends a long time there’s a lot more to their relationship that the opposing views of her friend cheating.

Sometimes it’s just not worth the hassle of continually making your opinion known on an issue when the friend is not going to change. Doesn’t mean you approve of their actions.

^ This is what occurred to me too from reading the OP's posts. At this point she probably knows her friend is unlikely to change and maybe has just given up talking about it. I understand that it's strange that she has mentioned it to you on other occasions and didn't this time, but maybe she has just accepted that her friend does this, and she felt there was no point in having a conversation about it.

I don't think it means your wife necessarily has a wishy washy attitude to cheating (only you can tell that OP, as I'm sure you picked up on her views on it from previous discussions about this friend).

notsoyoungwan

leggo wrote: »

Honestly if I was your friend and you dropped me for confiding in my confidante, I’d consider myself well rid tbh. Do you realise that you put a burden on other people when you tell them your secrets? If you want confidentiality, take it to a therapist and get doctor/patient privilege. Otherwise if you’re just unloading deeply personal stuff onto normal people with their own lives, if they have empathy they then have to process that themselves and doing so by telling their partner is the most natural thing in the world. Especially once they’ve married, that’s literally a signal to the world that this is now your number one confidante who you’ll share everything with. It’s in the vows like.

As a rule of thumb, if I tell someone something, I consider that I’m also telling their partner. If I don’t want their partner to know, I say nothing to them. But do I expect a partner to tell me everything? Absolutely not. A lot of stuff I don’t even want to know and they have the right to keep their friend’s secrets if that’s what they wish to do

And I consider myself well rid of the ‘friend’ who divulged something I had told her in confidence. It wasn’t something that was burdensome, it wasn’t anything traumatic or stressful, in fact it was quite light-hearted but nonetheless it was something personal and private that I didn’t want others to know, and my friend knew that. She told her husband because it was good gossip, not because she was ‘burdened’ by keeping it a secret and needed to offload it. She even opened by saying “here, you’ll enjoy this...” before going on to tell him what it was. It certainly wasn’t anything I needed to see a counsellor about. Secrets or private matters aren’t all negative, you know.

I don’t agree that being married is a signal to the world that you’ll “share everything” with your spouse. I think the “all my worldly goods” bit of the vows refers to exactly that, worldly goods, not information you’ve been asked by a friend to keep private. Married people still have friendships, relationships with siblings etc and within close friendships there is generally an expectation of trust. At least, there is in every close friendship I’ve ever had. I find this “I tell my spouse everything, married people don’t have secrets’ attitude bizarre. I wonder if those who have that attitude actively inform their friends about it? Or do they assume that the friends assume it? I suspect their friends would drop off if they were told that everything they said would be disclosed to the spouse.

J Mysterio

notsoyoungwan wrote: »

And I consider myself well rid of the ‘friend’ who divulged something I had told her in confidence. It wasn’t something that was burdensome, it wasn’t anything traumatic or stressful, in fact it was quite light-hearted but nonetheless it was something personal and private that I didn’t want others to know, and my friend knew that. She told her husband because it was good gossip, not because she was ‘burdened’ by keeping it a secret and needed to offload it. She even opened by saying “here, you’ll enjoy this...” before going on to tell him what it was. It certainly wasn’t anything I needed to see a counsellor about. Secrets or private matters aren’t all negative, you know.

I don’t agree that being married is a signal to the world that you’ll “share everything” with your spouse. I think the “all my worldly goods” bit of the vows refers to exactly that, worldly goods, not information you’ve been asked by a friend to keep private. Married people still have friendships, relationships with siblings etc and within close friendships there is generally an expectation of trust. At least, there is in every close friendship I’ve ever had. I find this “I tell my spouse everything, married people don’t have secrets’ attitude bizarre. I wonder if those who have that attitude actively inform their friends about it? Or do they assume that the friends assume it? I suspect their friends would drop off if they were told that everything they said would be disclosed to the spouse.

I find the above post very odd, and find the amount of thanks even more odd.

You think marriage vows mean the sharing of 'worldly goods'? I find that very strange.

Goes to show that people have very different ideas as regards partners and marraige. Underlines the importance of being clear what you are looking for when dating, and to discuss things openly before commiting.

I, for one, assume that partners do share all this stuff, this information. No offence to those that disagree, but I have a feeling of pity for you. That attitude goes against what I understand to be a loving, committed relationship. But each to their own.