Am I expecting too much?

Dani2020 · 22-06-2020 04:21PM #1

Hi guys,

Long time lurker, first time poster to boards! Just looking for some advice. My other half's best friend has been married for the past 5 or 6 years. During this time she has cheated on her husband at least twice that I know of. Let me just say from the off that I don't care what her friend does, it's her life and while I don't condone her actions it's not my place to say anything to her about it. Anyways last weekend this friend had a party and ended up kissing some other guy at it (that wasn't her husband), we weren't at the party but she rang my partner the next day to tell her/vent/off load her conscience, whatever .... anyways when I asked my partner after the phone call was there any craic with her friend, how the party went, etc. she brushed it off and didn't say anything about what had gone on at it. I only found out incidentally afterwards what had happened.

So basically guys what I'm asking is in a long term committed relationship what do you expect from your partner when it comes to their friends? Just to be clear I don't want to know every conversation my partner has with her friend but I just feel like something like that it feels a bit sneaky or hidden that she didn't mention it to me when I asked .... I suppose its more to do with the nature of it, kind of feels like she's covering up for her friend .....I dunno, I dunno if I have the right to feel a bit miffed about it

sadie1502 · 22-06-2020 04:25PM

Dani2020 wrote: »

Hi guys,

Long time lurker, first time poster to boards! Just looking for some advice. My other half's best friend has been married for the past 5 or 6 years. During this time she has cheated on her husband at least twice that I know of. Let me just say from the off that I don't care what her friend does, it's her life and while I don't condone her actions it's not my place to say anything to her about it. Anyways last weekend this friend had a party and ended up kissing some other guy at it (that wasn't her husband), we weren't at the party but she rang my partner the next day to tell her/vent/off load her conscience, whatever .... anyways when I asked my partner after the phone call was there any craic with her friend, how the party went, etc. she brushed it off and didn't say anything about what had gone on at it. I only found out incidentally afterwards what had happened.

So basically guys what I'm asking is in a long term committed relationship what do you expect from your partner when it comes to their friends? Just to be clear I don't want to know every conversation my partner has with her friend but I just feel like something like that it feels a bit sneaky or hidden that she didn't mention it to me when I asked .... I suppose its more to do with the nature of it, kind of feels like she's covering up for her friend .....I dunno, I dunno if I have the right to feel a bit miffed about it

Maybe she doesn't want you to judge her friend. Maybe her friend asked her to say nothing. She sounds like a good friend your partner. I wouldn't be worrying about it. I dont see how its sneaky it doesn't concern you. Forget about it.

Dani2020 · 22-06-2020 06:46PM

Thanks for the replies guys.

shafty100 · 22-06-2020 06:57PM

are you thinking that your partner could be at the same behind your back ,birds of a feather

Dtp1979 · 22-06-2020 07:02PM

shafty100 wrote: »

are you thinking that your partner could be at the same behind your back ,birds of a feather

....Always flock together in my experience

Dani2020 · 22-06-2020 07:06PM

Not even so much that, just that my partner never seems to pull her up much on it, like I would with my friends. Like if it was my friend I would be straight out saying that's not ok, I love ya and all but pull your **** together. Like I don't know what she said to the friend this time round but I know the previous times she didn't encourage it in any way but kinda laughed it off and was telling the friend she needed to mind herself. I suppose I just don't like that she doesn't pull her up more about it and as I said this time she acted like nothing happened

sadie1502 · 22-06-2020 07:07PM

Dtp1979 wrote: »

....Always flock together in my experience

Absolute rubbish.

Dtp1979 · 22-06-2020 07:13PM

sadie1502 wrote: »

Absolute rubbish.

In your opinion/experience sure. In mine, it’s not rubbish. So you can’t rubbish what I say in MY experience.

um7y1h83ge06nx · 22-06-2020 07:15PM

Dani2020 wrote: »

Not even so much that, just that my partner never seems to pull her up much on it, like I would with my friends. Like if it was my friend I would be straight out saying that's not ok, I love ya and all but pull your **** together. Like I don't know what she said to the friend this time round but I know the previous times she didn't encourage it in any way but kinda laughed it off and was telling the friend she needed to mind herself. I suppose I just don't like that she doesn't pull her up more about it and as I said this time she acted like nothing happened

Maybe your wife doesn't want to ruin her friendship but giving some straight advice to get friend. Maybe your wife is living vicariously through your friend too and gets a kick out of the gossip. So hard to know for sure.

bitofabind · 22-06-2020 07:21PM

Dani2020 wrote: »

Not even so much that, just that my partner never seems to pull her up much on it, like I would with my friends. Like if it was my friend I would be straight out saying that's not ok, I love ya and all but pull your **** together. Like I don't know what she said to the friend this time round but I know the previous times she didn't encourage it in any way but kinda laughed it off and was telling the friend she needed to mind herself. I suppose I just don't like that she doesn't pull her up more about it and as I said this time she acted like nothing happened

...which is probably why she didn't tell you. She knows you wouldn't be ok with it and would judge both her friend and her for her handling of it. Which is grand and understandable (I'd be the same.) But for whatever reason, your partner has decided to take a different approach and that's her right.

It'd make it immeasurably awkward for you to be privy to all of this friend's discrepancies and then have her come around for tea, or meet her in the pub with her husband, etc etc.

Dani2020 · 22-06-2020 07:25PM

bitofabind wrote: »

...which is probably why she didn't tell you. She knows you wouldn't be ok with it and would judge both her friend and her for her handling of it. Which is grand and understandable (I'd be the same.) But for whatever reason, your partner has decided to take a different approach and that's her right.

It'd make it immeasurably awkward for you to be privy to all of this friend's discrepancies and then have her come around for tea, or meet her in the pub with her husband, etc etc.

True! And I totally get that, just don't like secrets in a relationship, as I said I don't want to know all the details of their friendship but if there's something my other half is deliberately avoiding telling me it makes me uncomfortable. Just an awkward situation I suppose, probably overthinking it!

bitofabind · 22-06-2020 07:29PM

Dani2020 wrote: »

True! And I totally get that, just don't like secrets in a relationship, as I said I don't want to know all the details of their friendship but if there's something my other half is deliberately avoiding telling me it makes me uncomfortable. Just an awkward situation I suppose, probably overthinking it!

Well in this case, she can't really give you half the information can she? Like the friend cheated, you're either gonna know or not know that. It's not your partner's job to lie for her or water down the details so she probably thought, I'll just not mention it. I get your conflicted feelings about it, as I absolutely abhor cheating too and any cover-ups I'd consider to be a defence of that behaviour. But there's a bit more to it than that if your partner doesn't want to lose this friend or have both her friend and her partner in the same room at any stage in the future.

Dani2020 · 22-06-2020 07:33PM

Well that's it, like you I can't stand cheating and I find it hard when people defend it in one shape or another but S you said this is more complicated, they've been friends for years, the friends family was there for my partner when she lost her own parents in her early 20s, etc. so it's not clear cut. You made lots of sense there, thanks

Panthro · 22-06-2020 07:35PM

Why would ya want to hear other people's guff?!
That's my (slightly selfish) take on it!
Other than a good gossip sesh of course.
If your partner wants to talk about her friends shenanigans to you in confidence, sound be a good partner and listen/offer advise whatever.
But if she doesn't then happy days I say.
Ignorance is bliss.

Hannibal_Smith · 22-06-2020 07:46PM

Dani2020 wrote: »

True! And I totally get that, just don't like secrets in a relationship, as I said I don't want to know all the details of their friendship but if there's something my other half is deliberately avoiding telling me it makes me uncomfortable. Just an awkward situation I suppose, probably overthinking it!

If a friend says something to her in confidence, that's between the two of them though? It's not deliberately keeping something from you that is important to you or your relationship, she's being loyal to her friend.

cannotlogin · 22-06-2020 08:13PM

Why do you even want to know the details?
It just seems strange that you would even want to know. Your wife probably isn't very impressed by either either but doesn't want to fall out with this girl given how supportive her parents were.

I have a friend like this. If they aren't married or have a girlfriend, she just isn't interested. I've told her a million times, I don't want to hear it and that I really don't like it and that she's worth more but might as well be talking to the wall. Family connections & various other things mean cutting her off would do more harm than good & I feel sorry for her in ways. Her updates bore the hell out of me & bring out the judgmental side of me which I don't like. I wouldn't dream of boring a partner with the details as it bad enough one of us has to listen to it. Perhaps your wife is similar.

Dani2020 · 22-06-2020 08:19PM

cannotlogin wrote: »

Why do you even want to know the details?
It just seems strange that you would even want to know. Your wife probably isn't very impressed by either either but doesn't want to fall out with this girl given how supportive her parents were.

I have a friend like this. If they aren't married or have a girlfriend, she just isn't interested. I've told her a million times, I don't want to hear it and that I really don't like it and that she's worth more but might as well be talking to the wall. Family connections & various other things mean cutting her off would do more harm than good & I feel sorry for her in ways. Her updates bore the hell out of me & bring out the judgmental side of me which I don't like. I wouldn't dream of boring a partner with the details as it bad enough one of us has to listen to it. Perhaps your wife is similar.

Its not that I want to hear the "details" so to speak at all, I suppose I just would have preferred if when I had asked if there was any craic with her or how did the party go she would have replied with something like awh you know the usual drama with .... or whatever. But I completely take what you said on board, as I said I'm just over thinking things I think 🙃

rainbowtrout · 22-06-2020 08:41PM

Dani2020 wrote: »

Its not that I want to hear the "details" so to speak at all, I suppose I just would have preferred if when I had asked if there was any craic with her or how did the party go she would have replied with something like awh you know the usual drama with .... or whatever. But I completely take what you said on board, as I said I'm just over thinking things I think 🙃

If I'm speaking to one of my married friends in confidence, I'm speaking to her, not her husband, they are not one person. Whatever you might think about how this friend behaves, you're not entitled to know all the details of her life just because your wife happens to be her friend.

J Mysterio · 22-06-2020 08:47PM

Dani2020 wrote: »

Not even so much that, just that my partner never seems to pull her up much on it, like I would with my friends. Like if it was my friend I would be straight out saying that's not ok, I love ya and all but pull your **** together. Like I don't know what she said to the friend this time round but I know the previous times she didn't encourage it in any way but kinda laughed it off and was telling the friend she needed to mind herself. I suppose I just don't like that she doesn't pull her up more about it and as I said this time she acted like nothing happened

I agree with you, I would expect more.

I would also expect that you could share and discuss these kind of things.

Tork · 22-06-2020 11:54PM

rainbowtrout wrote: »

If I'm speaking to one of my married friends in confidence, I'm speaking to her, not her husband, they are not one person.

This ☝️
I can't stand couples who've changed from being an "I" to a "we" and tell each everything. Even things that were told to them in confidence :mad:

You're making a big deal out of nothing here. Your partner is in an awkward position here. She probably disapproves of her friend's behaviour but doesn't want to fall out with her. That's why people compartmentalise their friendships at times. The classic "hate the sin but not the sinner" scenario. The philandering friend can also be the one who'd walk over hot coals for you and will never let you down. Gossiping about transgressions is a risky business anyway. Once secrets get out, they can go anywhere.

J Mysterio · 22-06-2020 11:58PM

Tork wrote: »

This ☝️
I can't stand couples who've changed from being an "I" to a "we" and tell each everything. Even things that were told to them in confidence :mad:

Different people have different expectations. I expect to discuss everything with my partner. For me, it is always a 'we'. If that's an impossible ask, I need a different partner.

TheBoyConor · 23-06-2020 12:09AM

Why do you think you deserve to know information that was passed to you wife by *her* friend?

You may be married, but that doesn't mean you are entitled to unfettered access to the deals of all her conversations with *her* friends.

To me, that attitude hints at a controlling streak in a partner.

Either way, it is simply none of your business what this friend does. Keep your nose out of the gossip trough.

rainbowtrout · 23-06-2020 12:12AM

J Mysterio wrote: »

Different people have different expectations. I expect to discuss everything with my partner. For me, it is always a 'we'. If that's an impossible ask, I need a different partner.

It's not the wife's story to tell. Now the fact that this happened at a party does mean that it might become public knowledge anyway depending on who was there, but that's not really the point.

If the friend was phoning because she was having personal problems - was diagnosed with a serious illness, had relationship problems, wanted to talk about something that had happened her in her past, etc etc, and was looking for advice or support, but absolutely did not want it to go any further, then it's not your business. The friend is entitled to privacy. It's not about you.

I was out one weekend years ago with a girl I was good friends with. A few days earlier I told her something personal that had happened to me. She was a pretty discreet person and is quite private about her own life. Met herself and her boyfriend in the pub the following weekend. It was just the three of us. We weren't sitting down five minutes when he comes out with 'So I hear you...', because she had told him. I replied 'I didn't realise that was public knowledge'. To give her her due she immediately said 'I shouldn't have said anything'. Which she shouldn't, her boyfriend had no business knowing that detail about my life, I didn't want him to know, and I didn't want to discuss it with him.

J Mysterio · 23-06-2020 12:17AM

rainbowtrout wrote: »

It's not the wife's story to tell. Now the fact that this happened at a party does mean that it might become public knowledge anyway depending on who was there, but that's not really the point.

If the friend was phoning because she was having personal problems - was diagnosed with a serious illness, had relationship problems, wanted to talk about something that had happened her in her past, etc etc, and was looking for advice or support, but absolutely did not want it to go any further, then it's not your business. The friend is entitled to privacy. It's not about you.

I was out one weekend years ago with a girl I was good friends with. A few days earlier I told her something personal that had happened to me. She was a pretty discreet person and is quite private about her own life. Met herself and her boyfriend in the pub the following weekend. It was just the three of us. We weren't sitting down five minutes when he comes out with 'So I hear you...', because she had told him. I replied 'I didn't realise that was public knowledge'. To give her her due she immediately said 'I shouldn't have said anything'. Which she shouldn't, her boyfriend had no business knowing that detail about my life, I didn't want him to know, and I didn't want to discuss it with him.

I understand your point, but this calls into question the judgment of your friend in terms of the partner they haven chosen. Obviously it's unacceptable for him to have casually said this in such a scenario.

rainbowtrout · 23-06-2020 12:27AM

J Mysterio wrote: »

I understand your point, but this calls into question the judgment of your friend in terms of the partner they haven chosen. Obviously it's unacceptable for him to have casually said this in such a scenario.

I would say it calls into question my friend's reasoning as to why she thought she should share that information with him. Presumably he thought that it was ok to ask as she had told him about it. She was the one who revealed my personal information to someone else. Anyway it's a long time ago and doesn't matter now.

J Mysterio · 23-06-2020 12:31AM

I think it boils down to trust. Either you trust your partner enough that you can share things in the knowledge that it's between you - and you only - or you can't. If you feel you can't, because they will say something stupid, or make a mistake, maybe it's not the right match. In my opinion, you have to be able to share everything openly.

ongarboy · 23-06-2020 12:33AM

J Mysterio wrote: »

Different people have different expectations. I expect to discuss everything with my partner. For me, it is always a 'we'. If that's an impossible ask, I need a different partner.

If you mean the relationship should have healthy, mutual and consenting open communication, then yes I agree but if you insist on knowing everything your partner does, where she is, who she is with and everything she discussed at all times, than that is a controlling streak that screams the Patrick Bergin character in Sleeping With The Enemy. You are in essence also expecting your partner to give up their individual identity if she has to replace it with your "combined" identity and that is not healthy in my opinion.

If you confided in a good mate about a very personal, sensitive or embarrassing matter (financial/health/sexual/family etc), would you have no problem with him running back to his partner to share all the details because him and the partner (who you may incidentally not know well or even dislike) are one and the same?

Tork · 23-06-2020 12:35AM

J Mysterio wrote: »

Different people have different expectations. I expect to discuss everything with my partner. For me, it is always a 'we'. If that's an impossible ask, I need a different partner.

Absolutely everything?? So if I was your partner's best friend and I told them that I was going for a cancer screening or was worried about my elderly mother, these confidential conversations would be relayed to you?

KiKi III · 23-06-2020 12:38AM

Any time I tell a married friend something and say “don’t tell anyone”, I assume that means no one beyond their spouse.

I’d be hurt if it was me.

Tork · 23-06-2020 12:50AM

ongarboy wrote: »

.

If you confided in a good mate about a very personal, sensitive or embarrassing matter (financial/health/sexual/family etc), would you have no problem with him running back to his partner to share all the details because him and the partner (who you may incidentally not know well or even dislike) are one and the same?

If we apply that logic, the only friends any of us should be confiding in are the single ones.

J Mysterio · 23-06-2020 12:51AM

ongarboy wrote: »

If you mean the relationship should have healthy, mutual and consenting open communication, then yes I agree but if you insist on knowing everything your partner does, where she is, who she is with and everything she discussed at all times, than that is a controlling streak that screams the Patrick Bergin character in Sleeping With The Enemy. You are in essence also expecting your partner to give up their individual identity if she has to replace it with your "combined" identity and that is not healthy in my opinion.

If you confided in a good mate about a very personal, sensitive or embarrassing matter (financial/health/sexual/family etc), would you have no problem with him running back to his partner to share all the details because him and the partner (who you may incidentally not know well or even dislike) are one and the same?

The scenario you postulate is quite to different to what is actually being discussed.

Am I expecting too much?

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