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Want to have a baby but partner doesn't

  • 18-04-2020 10:11PM
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭


    I am almost 40. I am female. I live with my partner of five years who is six years younger than me. He is perfect for me in every way. He is the man of my dreams plus some more. When we first met, we spoke of how would get married. He told me I would be the mother of his children. That changed then to an "I don't know". He feels having children would be the beginning of the end of his life. Likewise with getting married. We don't own a house, just rent, so we don't have any legal commitments to each other. He doesn't like commitment. I know he loves me.

    I would be happy to wait except that I am worried about waiting too long. Today I asked him again about if he wants children. It was again, an "I don't know". I feel that I need to accept that as a no. I have almost no time left. I don't want to break up. I do want children. I don't want any other partner but him. I have looked into sperm donorship. I could go it alone, and, if he wants to stay with me, he can. That way, he can feel free to do what he wants, and I can prioritise my child/children and hope he stays. I haven't said this to anyone else except him. Am I mad?


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  • #2
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Aloneinthis wrote: »
    He doesn't like commitment.

    Today I asked him again about if he wants children. It was again, an "I don't know".

    I do want children.

    I can prioritise my child/children and hope he stays.

    What does that mean, that he doesn't like commitment? He must commit to certain things..... like turning up for work at a certain time for example.

    Maybe it's not that he doesn't like commitment - it's that he doesn't want to grow up. Without more details about him, we can't tell.

    He told you he wanted kids... he kind of sucked you in there... it's not as if he didn't know that you wanted some.

    He needs to now say "I don't want kids" and then you deal with that by either breaking up or going down the donor route.


    Now, how committed to you would he be when you bring a child into the house and he has to deal with that?


  • #3
    Xterminator
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,820 ✭✭✭Xterminator


    You are mad to think that your reationship could survive a sperm donor baby. you live with this partner and to take such action would simply be to end the relationship, albeit in a cowardly way that would force him to do the breaking up, as your behaviour would be unreasonable.

    i understand your wish to have a baby, but you cannot strong arm your partner into it. make a decision, which is more important, and if its having a baby go ahead and make your plans, tell your partner it is a dealbreaker for you and you will be ending the relationship because your goals are so divergent.

    assuming your partner agrees you should break up, you need to sort your living situaion and finances and see if you could indeend go it solo, or search for a new partner.


  • #4
    Plumbthedepths
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,653 ✭✭✭✭Plumbthedepths


    He doesn't want a child, you do. He can still father a child into old age. You don't have that option.
    Sorry to be blunt but you need to decide him or a child. Sounds like you can't have both.


  • #5
    Stheno
    Moderators, Business & Finance Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 51,690 Mod ✭✭✭✭Stheno


    Plumbthedepths wrote: »
    He doesn't want a child, you do. He can still father a child into old age. You don't have that option.
    Sorry to be blunt but you need to decide him or a child. Sounds like you can't have both.

    Agreed op it's a ****ty choice but at 40 you are already high risk for a first time pregnancy


  • #6
    Addle
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,817 ✭✭✭Addle


    In a covid19 related interview I heard a medical professional state that women over 36 can’t afford to wait a few months for fertility treatment.

    Your fella isn’t wrong OP. Starting a family will be the end of his current lifestyle.

    You were honest with him from the get go. He seems to be messing you about.

    If you want a family, you really can’t afford to wait. You need to know your own mind, independent of your boyfriend.


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  • #7
    Salary Negotiator
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,148 ✭✭✭Salary Negotiator


    Sounds like he’s strung you along by telling you what you wanted to hear.

    He doesn’t want to have a child with you so he won’t want to raise a sperm donor baby so it’s time for you to move on.

    Tough as that may be.


  • #8
    Princess Calla
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,401 ✭✭✭Princess Calla


    I think you really need to have a very frank discussion with your boyfriend.

    He's well aware of how old you are so if children are part of your future it's really time to act.

    You also need to be prepared to walk away if you don't get the answer you want.

    Staying together and having a sperm donor baby is not going to work, so I wouldn't even entertain that idea.

    I would think very long and hard about going down the sperm donor route. If you can't imagine your life without a child then absolutely go for it. However, having a baby is bloody hard work. You're older it's going to take your body longer to recover and I'm not talking about getting your figure back. Expectation and reality when it comes to babies are miles apart and it's a steep learning curve.

    Yes of course it's doable, there are plenty of single parents who have no option but to do it, but go in with your eyes wide open. If you do go down the single parent route how much of a support network would you have?

    Your boyfriend really needs to give a yes or no answer after that its up to you how you proceed.


  • #9
    JustAThought
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,324 ✭✭✭JustAThought


    No commitment from him whatsoever -no marriage, no engagement, no saving for a home, no family wanted.He is as free as a bird to leave and can just up and walk away tomorrow.

    You should get some proper fertility advice before making any difficult conversations or decisions regarding leaving him. At 40 it may well be too late for you to have a child - you need to find out before you make life changing decisions about your relationship.

    I understand there are also simple enough non invasive tests you can have done to see if you are still capable of having a child.Perhaps an open and frank appointment with a doctor well woman clinic might be a good start. You may be banking on a dream that is already over. You dont also want to lose this man you say is the love of your life over it.

    Regarding a sperm donor & /or tricking him into having a child he does not want this is hardly fair on him nor on the baby & would be then of it for your relationship I would imagine.

    one could also ask why the sudden rush to have a baby now and panic over having to have one -Covid 19 life reevaluation or 40’s panic or trying to fix a fading relationship with a baby- tje tactic that seems never to work. ?


  • #10
    Arrival
    Closed Accounts Posts: 779 ✭✭✭Arrival


    Salary Negotiator wrote: »
    Sounds like he’s strung you along by telling you what you wanted to hear.

    He doesn’t want to have a child with you so he won’t want to raise a sperm donor baby so it’s time for you to move on.

    Tough as that may be.

    Definitely, I say this as a lad but lads who do this are honestly scumbags, especially at the age range OP and he are in. Yet OP says this...

    "He is perfect for me in every way. He is the man of my dreams plus some more"

    If he's such an amazing person why's he ****ing you around on such a serious topic/issue? Reproducing is literally the biggest and most important biological function of any species, and this is not different for humans. It's absolutely fine to not want to have kids, I'm even in this boat myself, but people who don't want them have to be upfront and direct about this from the outset to avoid this exact scenario OP is in. And likewise for women who just go along with things and say they don't want kids when they don't really mean it, having it in the back of their mind that the lad will change his mind down the line. Say what you mean and mean what you say!


  • #11
    coolbeans
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,130 ✭✭✭coolbeans


    I agree with others here, he's strung you along. I think it's particularly hard to forgive his behaviour as time is clearly a huge factor. After all it could already be too late to have a kid as it is. The idea that you're still pussyfooting about over whether he wants a kid at the eleventh hour is especially striking. That said, he didn't put a gun to your head and you've got to accept some of the responsibility for your present situation yourself. He's far from perfect for you.


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  • #12
    rainbowtrout
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,407 ✭✭✭✭rainbowtrout


    Aloneinthis wrote: »
    I am almost 40. I am female. I live with my partner of five years who is six years younger than me. He is perfect for me in every way. He is the man of my dreams plus some more. When we first met, we spoke of how would get married. He told me I would be the mother of his children. That changed then to an "I don't know". He feels having children would be the beginning of the end of his life. Likewise with getting married. We don't own a house, just rent, so we don't have any legal commitments to each other. He doesn't like commitment. I know he loves me.

    I would be happy to wait except that I am worried about waiting too long. Today I asked him again about if he wants children. It was again, an "I don't know". I feel that I need to accept that as a no.

    A lot of people are focusing on the baby thing, granted you mentioned it in your OP. He also said he wanted to get married. Neither marriage or baby have happened in 5 years. The vast majority of people in their 30s know whether they want either long before 5 years has passed.

    Why would you be happy to wait? You're 40, you don't have time to wait. If you told him that, he'd quite happily kick the can down the road.

    Either he doesn't want marriage and children and strung you along for the last 5 years., and knows full well that your time is running out on the babies front, or he doesn't want them with you and knows that he can stay in the relationship with you for another while and when it suits him, break up and have children with someone else. You don't really have that option.

    It's time to make a decision, him or children. As you said aside from renting together you have no commitment to each other (granted living together is a commitment). If he upped sticks and left in the morning aside from finding somewhere else to live, you would have no other commitments together. How committed is he?


  • #13
    Airyfairy12
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,454 ✭✭✭Airyfairy12


    In my opinion, he knows you want a child and time is ticking for you, it's almost like he's trying to run out the clock so he doesn't have to make a decision on this. If it was me, my worry would be that giving him an ultimatum and himself agreeing to having a baby, for the sake of the relationship or because he feels pressured into it, he may grow to resent you when he finds himself in a situation with a wife and child and a life he doesnt want for himself. Also, after 5 years he still hasn't committed to marriage never mind having children. It sounds like he's on the fence about allot of things regarding the relationship, not just having children.


  • #14
    beauf
    Closed Accounts Posts: 22,648 ✭✭✭✭beauf


    Agree with others. Your time for babies is almost gone. You need to act now, or move past it. Might already be too late.

    I see no sign of any commitment from this guy to you in any way. Not just kids, nothing else either. He's acting as a single person. Ready to move on at the drop off a hat.


  • #15
    zapper55
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 689 ✭✭✭zapper55


    Having my first pregnancy at the same age as you. No complications. It's still very possible for you. But not with him. He soesnt sound arsed about the relationship never mind kids.

    And he's not perfect for you. He sounds like.a coward if he cant come out and say he doesnt want kids with you instead of letting time drag on.

    I understand you didnt want to have the conversation earlier in the relationship thinking you'll scare him away. You could have it with him now but id be concerned he'd just go.along with it rather than say what he really feels.


  • #16
    strandroad
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,676 ✭✭✭strandroad


    JustAThought wrote: »
    You should get some proper fertility advice before making any difficult conversations or decisions regarding leaving him. At 40 it may well be too late for you to have a child - you need to find out before you make life changing decisions about your relationship.

    Related to this comment, OP please consider a scenario when you stay together but don't have a child, either because it is in fact too late for you or because you gave up on the idea.

    He has shown no commitment to you at all, there is nothing permanent between the two of you, not even a joint mortgage. And there is absolutely nothing stopping him from turning around when he is in his 40s himself just to say that he realised that it's in fact his dream to be a father... only it will have to be with another woman because you'll be pushing 50 then. Imagine what it would do to you.

    If he doesn't understand that you cannot afford to wait he is either unintelligent or uncaring. If he cannot commit to children he needs to say that he did change his mind. You do need to make a decision and he is not doing himself any favours here.


  • #17
    SusieBlue
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,029 ✭✭✭SusieBlue


    He sounds so so selfish. He knows you want a baby and that the clock is ticking & he won’t give you an answer one way or another.
    If he truly loved and respected you he would be honest about his feelings, even if that meant potentially losing you. He knows he’s holding you back and he doesn’t care.

    A family friend was in a similar position to you and ended up dumping her partner & getting IVF on her own.
    When her son was about 8 she met an amazing man, that was 9yrs ago & now the three of them are a happy little family.
    She got to have a baby and she has a great relationship with a man that she loves. She didn’t have to pick one or the other, and you don’t either.
    I know it isn’t the traditional way of doing things but the point I’m trying to make is she got both things she wanted in the end, albeit not in the order she expected.

    You can fall in love at any age, that opportunity will be there for you well into your elderly age. Time is absolutely on your side on that front. Unfortunately the choice to have a baby won’t always be there for you.

    Picture yourself in 10 years. You are still renting a house, no mortgage, no ring, and no kids. Would you feel happy and fulfilled? Or would you have any regrets?


  • #18
    Idle Passerby
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,132 ✭✭✭Idle Passerby


    The impression that I get from what you've said is that he's an ambivalent about the relationship. My suspicion is he no interest in a future with you with, but he's reluctant to be single in the here and now.

    The "he doesn't like commitment" line seems off. He said he wanted kids with you once so was he open to that commitment then and has since changed his mind or was he lying? I'd be concerned that he's lost interest in the relationship but he's burying his head in the sand and coasting along to avoid being the bad guy.

    The idea of going the sperm donor route while keeping the relationship is nonsense. If he doesn't want kids why do you think bringing up a child whose biologically not his would be a viable compromise for him?

    Editing to add: if having a baby is that important to you I would start considering the possibility you'll be going it alone.


  • #19
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I won't speculate on what your partner might or might not be thinking. Let's say you go it alone and bring your baby home. It will surely change the dynamic in a big way. I think there are a few ways this could work out:

    1: Your partner accepts and loves the child and takes up the father role including helping out in all the practical ways, providing and supporting etc. Happy days all round!
    2: He has little or no interest in the child, doesn't help or support you. Your relationship may survive this or eventually one of you may get browned off with the situation and say goodbye. Perhaps this will happen even before the baby is born.

    If you go ahead with your plan, there is at least some chance that (1) will come to pass. If you separate now, then you rule out that possibility.

    If you don't go ahead with your plan, can you accept not having a child or will you resent it over the years? What if you both break up down the road anyway?

    Even if you separate now, you may not have enought time to form a new relationship with a potential father.

    Bottom line: IF having a baby is the most important thing for you, I would pursue it by whatever means you can while you can and address the relationship situation afterwards with either your current partner or a new one. So yes, I think your plan makes sense.


  • #20
    Batgurl
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,208 ✭✭✭Batgurl


    One thing that hasn’t been mentioned is the age of the partner. He’s 33. He probably does want children ”one day” but he’s one of those hapless guys who doesn’t understand or want to accept female biology or maths.

    OP, decide which you want more; him or a baby. If you decide you want the baby more, you can go to him and tell him but I wouldn’t be settling for promises from him any more. You start trying now or you are going for a donor baby.

    Hypothetically, I actually don’t see anything wrong with staying with him while having your donor baby. If he’s willing to stay with you that is.


  • #21
    Ellie2008
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,123 ✭✭✭Ellie2008


    Batgurl wrote: »
    One thing that hasn’t been mentioned is the age of the partner. He’s 33. He probably does want children ”one day” but he’s one of those hapless guys who doesn’t understand or want to accept female biology or maths.

    OP, decide which you want more; him or a baby. If you decide you want the baby more, you can go to him and tell him but I wouldn’t be settling for promises from him any more. You start trying now or you are going for a donor baby.

    Hypothetically, I actually don’t see anything wrong with staying with him while having your donor baby. If he’s willing to stay with you that is.

    What about the impact of that on the child. The man we are living with didn’t want to be your daddy so we got you another daddy & we still live with this man?! I don’t get it.


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  • #22
    MintyMagnum
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 480 ✭✭MintyMagnum


    What would happen if yer birth control failed


  • #23
    Luimneach2018
    Closed Accounts Posts: 72 ✭✭Luimneach2018


    Aloneinthis wrote: »
    He is perfect for me in every way. He is the man of my dreams plus some more.

    Aloneinthis wrote: »
    I am almost 40. I am female. I live with my partner of five years who is six years younger than me. When we first met, we spoke of how would get married. He told me I would be the mother of his children. That changed then to an "I don't know". He feels having children would be the beginning of the end of his life. Likewise with getting married. We don't own a house, just rent, so we don't have any legal commitments to each other. He doesn't like commitment. I know he loves me.

    I would be happy to wait except that I am worried about waiting too long. Today I asked him again about if he wants children. It was again, an "I don't know". I feel that I need to accept that as a no. I have almost no time left. I don't want to break up. I do want children. I don't want any other partner but him. I have looked into sperm donorship. I could go it alone, and, if he wants to stay with me, he can. That way, he can feel free to do what he wants, and I can prioritise my child/children and hope he stays. I haven't said this to anyone else except him. Am I mad?

    Not trying to be smart, but splitting your post into these two parts; the man of your dreams who is perfect for you in every way and more? If that were true, you wouldn't be here, and this wouldn't be an issue. You can't be perfect for someone if you are not aligned on this issue.

    I highly doubt you spent your childhood/teenage years/young adulthood dreaming of meeting a man who didn't want to father the children you hope to have. If you did, then your standards weren't high enough.


  • #24
    Airyfairy12
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,454 ✭✭✭Airyfairy12


    MintyMagnum wrote: »
    What would happen if yer birth control failed

    This is terrible. You cant just force someone into having a child if they dont want one, it's personal choice.
    What an absolutely horrific and dishonest thing to do to anyone.


  • #25
    Batgurl
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,208 ✭✭✭Batgurl


    Ellie2008 wrote: »
    What about the impact of that on the child. The man we are living with didn’t want to be your daddy so we got you another daddy & we still live with this man?! I don’t get it.

    The impact wouldn’t be that different than any mother who’s had a donor baby has to eventually deal with when the child starts asking who my daddy is.

    Sometimes when that happens, there is a partner in the picture too. It’s not exactly foreign territory.


  • #26
    MintyMagnum
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 480 ✭✭MintyMagnum


    Airyfairy12 wrote: »
    This is terrible. You cant just force someone into having a child if they dont want one, it's personal choice.
    What an absolutely horrific and dishonest thing to do to anyone.

    It happens and isn't always deliberate my question was what would happen?


  • #27
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I'm curious OP how you imagine your relationship working if you did go through with your plan to have a baby without your OH. Do you think once the baby is there he will suddenly have an interest in being a father or if he has no interest do you think you can divide your life between your partner and your child? When wanting to spend time with your OH who looks after the child? if he has no interest in having a child do you think he would want to share a house with you and your child? It sounds like he is comfortable with his life and if you chose to have a child while still living with him that will impact on his life even if he is not involved with the child. Are you just banking on him changing his mind once the child is there?

    OP you need to sit down and have a very blunt conversation. No vague answers, no kicking the can down the road and you need to be ready to walk away if having a child is a deal a breaker.


  • #28
    rainbowtrout
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,407 ✭✭✭✭rainbowtrout


    can't log in wrote: »
    I'm curious OP how you imagine your relationship working if you did go through with your plan to have a baby without your OH. Do you think once the baby is there he will suddenly have an interest in being a father or if he has no interest do you think you can divide your life between your partner and your child? When wanting to spend time with your OH who looks after the child? if he has no interest in having a child do you think he would want to share a house with you and your child? It sounds like he is comfortable with his life and if you chose to have a child while still living with him that will impact on his life even if he is not involved with the child. Are you just banking on him changing his mind once the child is there?

    OP you need to sit down and have a very blunt conversation. No vague answers, no kicking the can down the road and you need to be ready to walk away if having a child is a deal a breaker.


    I'd agree, I think realistically if the OP wants a baby more than the relationship and she tells him that she is going ahead with IVF to have a donor baby and he can stick around if he wants, that will be the end of the relationship. If he doesn't want children, he's not going to stick around someone else's child. It still fundamentally changes their living arrangements even if he had nothing to do with the care of the child, there will be no more random trips to pubs or restaurants or whatever as there will be a baby to consider. From the way he has behaved so far it doesn't sound like the life he wants (with the OP at least). Can't see how he would be willing to get into this arrangement.


  • #29
    Airyfairy12
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,454 ✭✭✭Airyfairy12


    MintyMagnum wrote: »
    It happens and isn't always deliberate my question was what would happen?


    She may or may not get pregnant and if she did, the couple would have the added strain of a baby that one partner didnt want.


  • #30
    SusieBlue
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,029 ✭✭✭SusieBlue


    With your ages in mind, another eventuality is that he might not want kids now but might change his mind in 10 years.
    Imagine you sacrifice your desire to have children for this man and make your peace with never being a mother, and in 10/15yrs, he decides he wants to be a father after all.
    Your baby making days will be well and truly over by then & it’s quite possible he may end the relationship himself to fulfil his dream.
    He can have children at any age and the world is his oyster, he has unlimited time to consider his options whereas you don’t.
    This isn’t beyond the realms of possibility and is definitely something you need to consider OP.


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  • #31
    zapper55
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 689 ✭✭✭zapper55


    Or that he decides he does want a baby with his next girlfriend just not you.


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