Living at home again - My mother seems to hate me

After urging me (in my mid-30s) to come home from far away, silliness is ruining our relationship.

I had been living and working abroad for 10+ years on the other side of the world. As the Covid-19 crisis ramped up, my mother's concern led to daily calls to me to check on my safety.

Then, all of a sudden, she called to ask me to think about coming home. She didn't want me in a faraway, underdeveloped country, even though the Covid-19 crisis seemed a bit less serious there than in Ireland. I agreed that coming home might be a good option and that I would consider it carefully.

The next morning she called me again urging me to come home. She said my help might be needed at home, should her or Dad get Covid-19. My mother is retired while Dad is a farmer. I then booked a flight home, which would depart in one week. She expressed happiness over my coming home, but then she became a bit panicked about borders closing and told me to move the flight to tomorrow, and just leave my very many belongings behind. I thought this was an incredible overreaction. Although borders were closing, the advice suggested that my path to Ireland would not be hindered. After some to and fro, I moved the flight and would depart in 48 hours.

About 24 hours later, the airline suddenly shut down all its services for 2 weeks and my flight was cancelled. My mother urged me to book another flight. I was reluctant to do so because flight prices were very high and that cancelled fare was nonrefundable. She told me I need to stop thinking of money and just come home. She said she needed me and said she could reimburse me later for the trip. I got a flight and arrived home.

The first few days at home were grand but things seemed to change after that.

Me and my mother are very different people and she was always one to urge me to come out of my shell a bit. She is very sociable while, frankly, I'm a bit of a loner. In my ten years abroad, I almost always lived alone. In recent years, much of my work was freelance and I had just a few friends, who I'd meet just occasionally. Time spent by myself was the norm, and I was pretty happy with that.

Now that I'm home and jobless, I aimed to make strides on language learning that I'd been doing, on and off, in the previous months. I have savings so I can support myself, although my parents insist on me not spending much.

However, my mother is always urging me to go outside for a stroll more often, to the extent that it could reach 3 trips per day. 'You might meet someone', she often says. I'd rather knuckle down and focus on my language work more, with one outing per day. I'm not trying to hide from chores - she loves the outdoors and won't allow me to do the main shopping for her, because she enjoys the long-ish walk to the store.

Because of my focus on study, I've not been the most social of sons. I'm probably not that approachable when I've got earphones on, listening to an app that's teaching me, but I can still hear a call from someone around me. I've also been a bit moody, because frankly, a part of me misses my life abroad, where I had work (not killed off by Covid-19), a few friends and my own independence. When she put it to me that I was right to come home, I didn't give a resounding yes.

She has complained that housework has made her tired, so I have stepped in and now I do more chores.

However, her attitude to me has changed and there's lots of little silliness going on in the house. She realises I really enjoy my study time, and she has ramped up her focus on stepping into my space so that my study is hindered. This includes passing me her phone so I can 'say hello' to one of her friends, a person I don't even know. On my arrival back to Ireland I remember her saying she would try not to smoke near me, yet there have been times more recently where she has made a very conscious effort to do the opposite of that promise.

My mother was someone who cared deeply about me (to the extent of obsession, which irked me a bit), and now I feel she clearly detests me. Gone are the mornings of self-study - there's a new job to be done in the house, sometimes necessary but sometimes of questionable importance. My Dad has said that many of those chores don't need doing.

I feel she is being quite calculating because her behaviour changes. When Dad is here, she tends to openly show care for me, as if to show him that she's glad to have me here.

I have told Dad quite clearly about all that's happening. He's sure that she is a different woman from before. We both have noticed that she's very easily irked by others, as she's often been complaining of others' (neighbours, shoppers, road users) behaviour. Covid-19 restrictions have been hard on her, because she can't meet her very many friends. My Dad also said that she loves me and wouldn't do wrong to me.

The only conclusion that I can come to is that I have irked her immensely and therefore she's taking out all most of her frustration on me. Any advice would be much appreciated.