Mother always looking for money

Speak Now · 12-04-2020 09:21PM

Some deal €40 a week, I gave up €40 a week when I got my first job 25 years ago.

Seems like the good old days now I'm paying €1300 monthly mortgage.

Tork · 13-04-2020 01:55AM

OP, it's heartening to see you've accepted that you're not handing up enough. I remember paying €40 per week rent but that was 20 years ago for a box room in a shared house. That excluded the ESB and heating bills which I paid my share of when they came in. Just wondering, have you ever looked at the bills for those which come into your house? The oil/gas this time of year could be quite an eye opener for you. The money you're spending on your own groceries is miniscule in comparison to the electricity you're using by cooking your meals, doing your laundry, taking showers and generally being in the house. It might give you a bit of perspective.

Still, it's easy to get distracted by the narrative that you're not paying enough. That part of the story isn't up for discussion at all, now that you've recognised that you should be contributing more. I don't think you're being selfish, even though you said you were. It was a genuine mistake and something that could have been easily solved if you had a better relationship with your mother. Instead, this is the latest chapter in an ongoing issue between you and your parents over money. I've never heard of any parents hassling their kids over the cost of sending them to college first time around. My anecdotal experience is that parents accept that sending their sons and daughters to college is a big bill but is part of what they signed up for. Your treatment is a bit unfair but it is what it is.

In other words, there is a lot more going on here in the background than what you'll find in a normal family. If we weren't all holed up at home with Covid-19, I would be echoing the advice given already. Move out. It will cost you more but living away from the family home would make a big difference to your life. Because we're facing into god knows what once this lockdown ends, living at home seems to be the best option for now. The predictions are that a recession is coming our way and that could have serious implications for you. Will your job still be there for you? What will your wages be like? For that reason alone, I feel you would be wiser to stay put for now and pay more toward your upkeep rather than moving out. A job loss or pay cut and you might be back home in no time with your tail between your legs.

Something else I'm curious about is your wages. If you've been through college twice, why are you on such low wages now? Do you have the prospect of earning more money? That's the key. You can't change your parents attitudes or get your mother off your back. Being "off the books" is the answer to this.

qwerty13 · 13-04-2020 03:42AM

I can actually understand your mothers point of view (if not how she went about it).

You seem to be able to regularly enough treat yourself, while paying a v small fraction of market rent and utilities.

Did you reach an agreement before you moved home to save? If not, it does seem very unfair of you to expect that you pay such incredibly low rent / bills, but get to treat yourself (even occasionally). Granted, your mother is going about her disquiet in a ridiculous way.

But I have to commend you for taking the advice here on board. Fair play for that. But you are expecting a lot from your parents, which isn’t in my experience the norm. Maybe they couldn’t afford it your first time in college, or maybe they’re very old fashioned re funding sons versus daughters. The point is thought that you’ve moved back in with them to save, but you’re paying a tiny fraction of market rent, and still treat yourself. That doesn’t seem fair. If you were saying you paid 80/90% of your share of the bills, maybe.

I totally acknowledge that they treat your brother differently. Maybe cos that’s why can afford to now for his first time in college. That will eat you up if you focus on that tho. I’m afraid is quite a bit ‘their house their rules’. You (quite rightly in opinion) feel aggrieved at the inequality of how you and your brother have been treated - but you want them to help you so that you can save. And you’re paying a tiny fraction of market rent. So you might have adjust your own expectations.

BrokenWingz · 13-04-2020 03:16PM

Stateofyou wrote: »

I'm actually shocked to read the replies here. I'm going to go against the grain here and say I think your parents come off as mean, unsupportive, and show complete favouritism of your brother vs you. I think your mother is looking for more money because unlike in your case when you were in college, they are looking after your brother's fees, living, food, other costs - everything! Actually scratch that- you're the one contributing to your brother's college too because it seems that without your contribution, they find it hard to support themselves and your brother too.

I thought this as well, that perhaps the cost of supporting The Golden Child’s every need is leading to financial strain and the pressure on OP to hand up more each week. Fair play to the OP for being willing to pay more but her Mam could have found a much nicer way to approach the issue instead of continual nasty comments.

bitofabind · 13-04-2020 04:48PM

Three things stick out to me about your post OP.

1. Your mother is mean, unsupportive, unmaternal and money grabbing. I don't know how that is escaping most other posters, who seem to think you paying a small amount each week is the crux of the problem. No it is not. Your mother was happy for you to starve and wear rags in college as long as she got her payments. This is the opposite of how you parent someone and very emotionally damaging.

2. You are far too involved in your family's life. I guess that's inevitable when you live with them. It is not healthy and has resulted in this total lack of boundaries you're experiencing with your mother, where she thinks your spending is her business and your money is her property. I moved out half my lifetime ago and my parents have no notion of my spending habits, what and when I get paid, what I have in savings. It's my business, not theirs. That's as it should be. In order to create some separation and boundaries, you will need to prioritise moving out. I know current circumstances don't allow for this, but if it was me, I'd be using this time to research and plan renting your own place as soon as the doors open again. As someone else pointed out - being an adult is about a lot more than living at home to save on rent. You need to foster independence and create some distance between your very toxic family and mother especially.

3. At 30 years old and with two degrees / diplomas under your belt, you should not be earning just above minimum wage. Why is this the case? I think you should also spend these locked down days to figure out a career plan for yourself so you can aim in a direction that will give you a better quality of life and more financially rewarding career than you currently have. Look closely at why you are where you are and how you can elevate yourself in the years ahead.

AulWan · 13-04-2020 05:20PM

bitofabind wrote: »

Three things stick out to me about your post OP.

1. Your mother is mean, unsupportive, unmaternal and money grabbing. I don't know how that is escaping most other posters, who seem to think you paying a small amount each week is the crux of the problem. No it is not. Your mother was happy for you to starve and wear rags in college as long as she got her payments. This is the opposite of how you parent someone and very emotionally damaging.

The OP says she first went through college in during the recession. Following the crash of the economy, a lot of families were suffering severe financial issues during that time. Consider the possibility that her parents may have had financial worries too.

bitofabind · 13-04-2020 05:43PM

AulWan wrote: »

The OP says she first went through college in during the recession. Following the crash of the economy, a lot of families were suffering severe financial issues during that time. Consider the possibility that her parents may have had financial worries too.

I've considered this. My conclusion doesn't change. Her parents' financial problems were not then and still are not her responsibility.

Should she contribute more - no question. Should she not be living under her parents' roof - without a doubt. Fundamental problems at play here that have led to this situation where her mother feels entitled to breach boundaries when it comes to her own daughter. But mean is as mean does - one rule for the brother, another for her and no sense of duty or kindness in supporting her daughter to give her a better life is at the heart of this.

AulWan · 13-04-2020 06:22PM

bitofabind wrote: »

I've considered this. My conclusion doesn't change. Her parents' financial problems were not then and still are not her responsibility.

They were if paying for her accomodation in college was a contributing factor.

Many kids end up not going to college because their parents' can't afford to support them and legally, reminder that parents are not obliged to pay their adult children's way through college.

I agree what the mother is doing is unreasonable now, she should set an amount that she expects her daughter to contribute towards the household, and stop with the comments. If her daughter then thinks what is asked for is too much, she can move out.

Big Bag of Chips · 13-04-2020 09:15PM

Posters are reminded that Personal Issues is an advice forum. Can the chit chat and back and forth stop here.

Offer advice to the OP who has come here to ask for it, or don't post.

Thanks.

JustAThought · 13-04-2020 09:49PM

e40 a month wouldn’t start to touch the bills .-
-house tax
-house insurance
-useless TV license fee
- monthly bin lift charges
-annual bin contract
-management fee if unlucky or appartment
-wifi monthly
-electricity monthly
- gas monthly

etc

The OP had seen that what she gives up is parltry - ger brother is getting the benefit of a chance to
improve his life and prospects and the OP should not begrudge this to him. Car lessons are at least e50 a go and a car is a money pit - initial purchase/HP, insurance, motor tax, weekly petrol,parking, maintenance and annual NCT - perhaps the mother is rightly trying to demonstrate that the OP has obligations - either to stop planning subsidising her lifestyle and future car ownership and running off the back of her parents and pay her way in a realistic manner.
The car will be as big a money put as moving out - which perhPs is the mothers concern that she will never do unless sge gas a realistic look at what it costs to run a house and your basic needs before you talk about taking on expensive non necessary and hugely expensive items like cars in a salary that cannot support both.

30 is far too old to be having this kind of unrealistic blinkered self engrossed thinking. Your parents also want their life back or some kind of quality of life and not to be working to support and pay your way forever. They can get 14,000 tax free for your bedroom if they rent it out.

tabby aspreme · 13-04-2020 10:20PM

JustAThought wrote: »

e40 a month wouldn’t start to touch the bills .-
-house tax
-house insurance
-useless TV license fee
- monthly bin lift charges
-annual bin contract
-management fee if unlucky or appartment
-wifi monthly
-electricity monthly
- gas monthly

etc

The OP had seen that what she gives up is parltry - ger brother is getting the benefit of a chance to
improve his life and prospects and the OP should not begrudge this to him. Car lessons are at least e50 a go and a car is a money pit - initial purchase/HP, insurance, motor tax, weekly petrol,parking, maintenance and annual NCT - perhaps the mother is rightly trying to demonstrate that the OP has obligations - either to stop planning subsidising her lifestyle and future car ownership and running off the back of her parents and pay her way in a realistic manner.
The car will be as big a money put as moving out - which perhPs is the mothers concern that she will never do unless sge gas a realistic look at what it costs to run a house and your basic needs before you talk about taking on expensive non necessary and hugely expensive items like cars in a salary that cannot support both.

30 is far too old to be having this kind of unrealistic blinkered self engrossed thinking. Your parents also want their life back or some kind of quality of life and not to be working to support and pay your way forever. They can get 14,000 tax free for your bedroom if they rent it out.

Would you agree with the op taking driving lessons if it would improve their job prospects

JustAThought · 13-04-2020 10:48PM

tabby aspreme wrote: »

Would you agree with the op taking driving lessons if it would improve their job prospects

She cannot afford it, nor to own nor run a car.
And certainly someone with 2 degrees who thinks a e40 contribution to running a house or to monthly rent and bills needs a strong reality check - particularly someone who is at age 30 on a 20k minimum wage salary and moaning that her mothers expectations are unfair or too high.

Big reality check needed. Not car ownership and more bills she cannot afford to undertake and that her mother clearly does not want to underwrite by her own sacrifices and enforced generosity.

In response to your prompt that it is acceptable for her to defer moving out due to increasing her overheads significantly for a luxury item or expecting her stressed mother to part underwrite this too and her inevitable extended stay at home fir a pittance - she would be better off buying a second hand bicycle and living off delivery tips in addition to her minimum wage job. Or putting her time and effort into getting a decently paying day job rather than nail treatments, take aways, gurls nights out and driving lessons.

Tork · 13-04-2020 11:18PM

Stressed mother? Are you ****ting me? She sounds like a right weapon to me. Bit of a Bind hit the nail on the head when she wrote the following

"1. Your mother is mean, unsupportive, unmaternal and money grabbing. I don't know how that is escaping most other posters, who seem to think you paying a small amount each week is the crux of the problem. No it is not. Your mother was happy for you to starve and wear rags in college as long as she got her payments. This is the opposite of how you parent someone and very emotionally damaging.

The OP accepted that she has been paying too little so why the hell are you hell bent on hammering her now? I'm sure she will pay her way and cut back on her luxuries now. Luxuries, by the way, which were relatively modest. She wasn't exactly shopping in Brown Thomas and blowing €5,000 on designer handbags. Let's keep some perspective on this.

Owning a car isn't the worst thing in the world. I grew up in the countryside and bought my first car at 22. If I hadn't, I'd probably be still working in a crap job in the local factory rather than working in the good job I have now. I agree that she should be aiming to have a better paid job but we don't know the reasons why she is where she is. Less judgement, please.

JustAThought · 14-04-2020 01:26AM

Tork wrote: »

Stressed mother? Are you ****ting me? She sounds like a right weapon to me. Bit of a Bind hit the nail on the head when she wrote the following

The OP accepted that she has been paying too little so why the hell are you hell bent on hammering her now? I'm sure she will pay her way and cut back on her luxuries now. Luxuries, by the way, which were relatively modest. She wasn't exactly shopping in Brown Thomas and blowing €5,000 on designer handbags. Let's keep some perspective on this.

Owning a car isn't the worst thing in the world. I grew up in the countryside and bought my first car at 22. If I hadn't, I'd probably be still working in a crap job in the local factory rather than working in the good job I have now. I agree that she should be aiming to have a better paid job but we don't know the reasons why she is where she is. Less judgement, please.

I was responding to the question asked of me in relation to the projected spend on the car and lessons - not hammering anyone. And as for your bile towards the OP’s mother it sounds like you are projecting. My comments remain - as asked for by the OP and the poster above. Vent your spleen elsewhere. e40 towards rent and ll bills remains a pittance & is a far cry from any kind of minimum acceptable - as acknowledged halfway through the thread by the OP. Why are you still posting such hatred, and bile against her mother. I’m out.

14-04-2020 06:05PM

Little harsh on the op aren't we?

40 isn't much, it's less than I charge my daughter but then she is 20 not 30 and is only starting out in life with the minimum wage job that goes with it.

That being said, if she was legitimately saving for a house I would let her off the rent while she did it but again, 20 v 30.

I dunno op. College twice, living at home at 30 and not making much money. Sounds like a few wrong turns along the way that you expected your parents to fix as well so it's not all on them.

I feel your pain about the brother, the youngest gets the easiest time it seems.

Big Bag of Chips · 14-04-2020 07:19PM

There has already been an on thread warning to cut out the general discussion and stick to offering advice to the OP. She has come here looking for advice on her situation, and discussion about child maintenance payments, for example, are totally irrelevant.

I have deleted a number of off topic posts.

From this point cards will be given out for off topic posts.

Mother always looking for money

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