Should I just walk away?

Yanna3783 · 07-02-2020 12:43PM

osarusan wrote: »

I married a woman with fairly dominating and intrusive in-laws, from a culture where dominating and intrusive are par for the course, and the first thing we did (heavily at my suggestion) was to move about 200km away from them, for the first year of marriage, and establish our own marriage, on our own terms, without their influence.

Much easier said than done, but putting distance between him and his family might help. The two of you by yourselves seem to be a solid unit, so the less influence or presence from his family the better.

Avoid renting to his brother long-term if possible, as he'll end up losing out and not being able to do anything about it.

In my head its so easy to sort this out, but only because I don't allow people to walk all over me. I don't understand why he hasn't set boundaries when the brother moved in and I also don't understand why he said to me this is only temporary. I said to him, its clearly not temporarily since the girlfriend gave up her job and the brother only started a new one recently.

Princess Calla · 07-02-2020 12:52PM

I kinda agree with aulwan that's he's hedging his bets.

I don't think renting out both properties is the option.

When I bought my house as a ftb it was a clean sale, previous owners had already left, though their furniture was still there to "stage" the house and included in the sale if I wanted it... I could have moved in as soon as they accepted my offer.... It still took the guts of 4 months for all paperwork etc to go through...... Buying houses and selling them takes alot of time.

Wasn't the original plan for you to move in with him and rent out your place?

I know you don't want a house share arrangement but I'd nearly do it at this stage... He can tell his brother you are moving in at the weekend and renting out your house from March*.... Might speed up the process of the brother moving out... Life needs to be made a little uncomfortable for the brother.

* I actually would leave it to may until dust settles before you actually get a tenant.. Just incase it goes belly up.

Neyite · 07-02-2020 12:54PM

Yanna3783 wrote: »

Do you have any other ideas as I'm at a loss right now and don't know what to do, other than just walk away, which I really really don't wish to do at present.

Read some books like Toxic Inlaws, maybe? It seems to me that your partner just isn't assertive or doesn't know how to be, with his family. And that can take longer than a three month ultimatum to undo a learned behaviour formed over a few decades.

He's not happy with this situation either but just doesn't know how to fix it in a way that won't go incendiary in the wider family. So maybe a bit of work in assertiveness and he would be ready to make decisions.

He is entitled to his own home, that he pays for, where he chooses who he lives with. Right now, his brother and girlfriend are holding up your lives and your life plans and that's not sustainable.

Yanna3783 · 07-02-2020 02:12PM

Princess Calla wrote: »

I kinda agree with aulwan that's he's hedging his bets.

I don't think renting out both properties is the option.

When I bought my house as a ftb it was a clean sale, previous owners had already left, though their furniture was still there to "stage" the house and included in the sale if I wanted it... I could have moved in as soon as they accepted my offer.... It still took the guts of 4 months for all paperwork etc to go through...... Buying houses and selling them takes alot of time.

Wasn't the original plan for you to move in with him and rent out your place?

I know you don't want a house share arrangement but I'd nearly do it at this stage... He can tell his brother you are moving in at the weekend and renting out your house from March*.... Might speed up the process of the brother moving out... Life needs to be made a little uncomfortable for the brother.

* I actually would leave it to may until dust settles before you actually get a tenant.. Just incase it goes belly up.

Yes indeed the original plan was for us to move in, but then the parents got in the way. He said to me the other day, I should have moved in, but I told him he had already made plans with the parents and forgot to tell me (I reminded him of our plans, that went belly up).

I am starting to get really anxious now, as I am meant to stay over tonight (and all weekend) and he promised me it will just be the two of us. I don't know what to do if they are there...will I just walk out and go home or play the housemate for the next 3 months?

I do agree he isn't assertive with his family however that strikes me a lot given the type of job he has where assertiveness is key.

Yanna3783 · 07-02-2020 03:34PM

I do see your point Loveinapril I really do and I can honestly say I don't want my life to be a constant drama. God I am dreading going over, however if things are not as he said, I have my car with me so I can always just go back home. Thank you for your understanding.

You also mention how badly his mother has treated you. Did he not speak with her about this? - he didn't, I was just told I am just easily offended and not to take serious everything she says.

Yanna3783 · 07-02-2020 04:14PM

Thanks for your words of encouragement. I really appreciate it.

Tork · 08-02-2020 01:19PM

I don't think you should walk away just yet but you might be left with no choice but to. Your fiancé's behaviour is infuriating and you're not wrong to feel how you do. I think you are going to have to bring this to a head in a more forceful way than you have. You're saying you don't want to break up and that's perfectly understandable. He knows it too and that is one reason why he is not taking decisive action. It's easier for him to bury his head in the sand and leave it to be your problem.

There's nothing wrong per se with issuing an ultimatum. It would be more valuable if he acknowledges that he has an assertiveness problem when it comes to his family and wants to fix it. He needs some professional help at this stage, rather than you simply issuing him with an ultimatum. It might require a bit of tough love on your behalf. If you make it too easy for him he will continue hide from the mess he has allowed to be created in his home. I think the pair of you could do with going to couples counselling for starters.

If nothing changes, you will have to walk. If your fiancé doesn't start to prioritise your relationship and establish boundaries, this is doomed. You will go on to resent his passive behaviour even more than you do and that will corrode your relationship. And if he fails to ring-fence you and any family you might have, the interference from his family will cause real problems. Maybe he is telling you what he is and what your future life will be. That's for you to decide.

MissShihTzu · 08-02-2020 03:57PM

I don't think this will end well, if I'm honest.

Your fiance isn't committed to you. If he was, then the houses would have been sold by now and you would not have had the need to put up another thread. He seems like the kind of guy who just wants a quiet life. Ergo - his family know this and use him like a doormat...

Your man doesn't need to be confrontational. Just needs to set boundaries and stick to them. Give the brother and his girl six months written notice to vacate (pref by solicitor's letter so he knows it's serious), and PUT THE HOUSE UP FOR SALE. How and where he and his girl live ain't your concern. I'd bet he isn't paying rent either - are the bills covered by the brother??

I wouldn't entertain selling it to them AT ALL That's REALLY not a good idea - Business and family can't mix!

You've given him an ultimatum. That's good. How firm are you in sticking to that if he doesn't come through?

Thank your lucky stars this came out now and not when you're married or moved into a mortgaged property with him. At least you can return to your own house, if need be.

Hope it works out for you.

handlemaster · 08-02-2020 04:01PM

OP. No expert but if your thinking about walking away, perhaps it's the thing to do. Your fiancee doesn't seen to have much back bone.

Irish_rat · 08-02-2020 07:08PM

Just wondering why do you want to buy a new house? Are both houses inadequate

MissShihTzu · 08-02-2020 07:11PM

Irish_rat wrote: »

Just wondering why do you want to buy a new house? Are both houses inadequate

I can see where the OP is coming from. She and her partner would like to choose and buy THEIR house as opposed to living in 'his' house or 'her' house. A house they can make their lives in together. A house they can raise their future family and make their own memories in.

I don't think that's unreasonable.

AulWan · 08-02-2020 08:26PM

Irish_rat wrote: »

Just wondering why do you want to buy a new house? Are both houses inadequate

Buying a new house will be a fresh start and will be both of theirs equally.

I am cynical by nature, but have a look on the threads on marital problems and the separation/divorce forum. Note how many threads raise "I" or "she/he owned the house before we married" and it becomes an issue then in the breakdown of assets if the marriage fails.

Idbatterim · 09-02-2020 02:55PM

If these parents are so concerned about the brother etc , let them sort him out. His gf giving up work. Sounds like they want to have their cake and eat it !

Princess Calla · 09-02-2020 04:17PM

Idbatterim wrote: »

If these parents are so concerned about the brother etc , let them sort him out. His gf giving up work. Sounds like they want to have their cake and eat it !

They did sort the brother out.

When the parents sold their house (the brother lived with the parents) they dumped him onto the fiancé!

strandroad · 09-02-2020 04:52PM

OP I have a lot of empathy for you but it might be misguided to even try to resolve this situation. Even if you did, imagine that every single decision you'll be facing in your shared life is like this. Your house, your wedding, anything to do with children or the lack of them, career choices, family events... Your fiancee has no spine and no true commitment to you as a couple, and his family does not hesitate to butt in and claim what they think is theirs in terms of both resources and attention. Every single thing will be a slog and a rolling smouldering conflict. I personally couldn't do it. Life shouldn't be that hard, and your other half should be there to support you and make your life easier not to drag you down (and vice versa of course). You trained yourself to accept a terribly low standard.

Yanna3783 · 10-02-2020 09:21AM

Thanks everyone for your input. I had read each and every reply over the weekend while I was at his place.

So apparently the brother now hates me, as it seems a word was had with him. He was not at the house at all during the weekend, bar picking up some stuff.

I don't know the exact nature of the conversation he had with the brother (just small snippets). It's safe to say I have a new "enemy".

Strandroad - I have to agree with the last part of your message, I seem to have trained myself to accept a terribly low standard - however I do hope I can maybe change this. If not then I guess its time to hit the road.

zapper55 · 10-02-2020 10:22AM

Ah for ****s sake why did your fiance tell you his brother hates you, or words to that affect? It's like one step forward and two steps back. If he had any cop on or backbone not only would he not tell you that but he'd tell his brother if he wants any sort of relationship with him to be welcoming to you.

And obviously your fiance framed it in such a way as to blame you by the sounds of it.

Yanna3783 · 10-02-2020 10:25AM

So....the fiance basically said something along the lines of..."we need our time together bla bla bla". Whatever the brother understood I don't know, all I know is that he avoided me like the plaque for the few minutes he saw me at the weekend. I gathered myself he hates me by the brief interactions we had this past weekend. No hello's nothing at all, pure silence. Absolute pure silence. Where before he was always very chatty and asking for my opinion in certain matters.

I don't need to fall out with his brother but at the same time I don't need to walk a tight rope around him and the rest of the family.

I was not mentioned in their conversation and I do believe him in regards to this. And even if he did, at least, it will resolve this situation (hopefully) as if he didn't I was going to say something to them, and I have no filter at times.

Princess Calla · 10-02-2020 10:42AM

No one likes hearing home truths. I guarantee if it was the other way around your fiancé wouldn't be welcome indefinitely at the brothers house either!

At the moment you are in the middle of a storm, will you sink or make it to Port none of us know.

There's lots of people that don't get on with their in laws or indeed their own families. At the age of 40 I wouldn't be letting them control my life or decision making processes.

Your fiancé needs to stop coasting and stand up firm, if they all get their knickers in a twist that's their own issue.

Yanna3783 · 10-02-2020 10:45AM

Absolutely, if the tables were turned, I am sure it would be the same. I guess I will just have to wait and see now what develops.

Thanks everyone for taking the time in replying to me.

osarusan · 10-02-2020 11:40AM

For the brother to have turned on you, your partner must have laid out a few truths at least. It's a positive in a way.

There's no way you can ever end up living in or selling that house without this kind of stuff coming out.

Yanna3783 · 10-02-2020 11:59AM

Ah well something needed to be said. Thank God he took some action, as it was draining me.

Princess Calla · 10-02-2020 12:00PM

osarusan wrote: »

For the brother to have turned on you, your partner must have laid out a few truths at least. It's a positive in a way.

There's no way you can ever end up living in or selling that house without this kind of stuff coming out.

Yeah there's a certain amount of if you want an omelette you have to crack some eggs.

Yanna3783 · 10-02-2020 12:02PM

It took me 4 months and an ultimatum to get to this stage.

Neyite · 10-02-2020 12:28PM

If there's one thing I've learned, is that when stuff happens in a family, the partner will often get blamed as the person who caused the issue, even if they had nothing to do with it.

I was blamed for my partner not going to mass anymore. He stopped going when he was 16 and I met him when he was 30. His brother's wife gets the blame for anything notiony in their lives, despite the brother actually having a mind of his own.

That's the funnier and more benign end of the scale, but I've seen a MIL actually cause separation because of her dogged insistence that it was her DIL was to blame for all and any time her son didn't do exactly what his mother wanted.

As long as you and your partner know that you are not the bad guy here then that's really all that matters. It sucks though but the only way that the family will begin to accept that your partner is of the same mind is through him showing them.

Yanna3783 · 10-02-2020 12:34PM

I guess time will tell

Should I just walk away?

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