Should I just walk away?

Yanna3783 · 06-02-2020 11:26am #1

Don't know where else to turn at this stage.

I have written about this before, so I shall try not bore you with too much info. Basically, last year, myself and my fiancée were supposed to move into his house and rent mine out (cheaper doing it this way). It didn't go according to plan as his brother who used to live in the parents’ house (parents moved away) was arranged by the family to move into my fiancées house. Fiancée didn't object. Didn't ask for my opinion at all, some say it had nothing to do with you, well I disagree! The parents are really controlling. We are a couple in our late 30's early 40's.

The brother moves in and I stay put in my own house...things are stalling in the relationship and I am ready to just walk away at this stage, but at the same time I don’t want to throw away 5 years, as we do get on, but I wish there wasn’t constant interference.

I have no idea what else to do. The brother brings friends to the house, brings the girlfriend to the house, if I am there the girlfriend acts like it’s her house...besides the fact that they are really messy, let’s not call them dirty as I clean after them as often as I am at the house (yes, I know, stop doing it), they are just annoying. They are late 20’s. I don’t like the girlfriend she talks so much and is very draining, plus I AM not happy with another women in my fiancés house (not one for sharing a house at my age).

My fiancée keeps telling me what I want to hear, but nothing has changed so far. We were supposed to sell our houses by now and buy one for ourselves. He keeps telling me this is still the plan, but all I can see is ME leaving the whole situation behind and basically try find someone else (easier said than done).
I am at the end of my wits, the above is just a synopsis of what has been happening. The mother who "moved away" - 300 km's, is constantly at the house. We have no privacy when we are at his place. His family is basically on top of us, and the irony this is HIS house. It was meant to be the place where we were supposed to live until we sorted the wedding out and the selling of the properties.
I just want some clarity and not to constantly be fobbed off. Last night I basically said that I am ready to walk away as this crazy show doesn't seem to end any time soon.

The two of us, get on very well, but there is a bit of uneasiness with the family butting in. I am constantly so anxious.
The mother started being rude to me, when she found out what our plans were, as if the house gets sold the brother doesn't have where to live (which isn't my problem) as he is on a decent salary.

The girlfriend gave up her job (both worked in the same company) to be closer to her boyfriend who happened to get a new job. Now she is constantly at the house. I don't feel comfortable being there and I do believe this is step number one: give up job step no 2: get pregnant and step no 3: move into the house. I don’t care about her plans, good for her, but I don’t have to change our plans to suite them.

I am sorry if this post is all over the place, but my head is all over the place with this situation, and to be really honest with you, I don't want to break things off, but I need him to understand where I am coming from, and I don't think he does. He is trying to be nice and accommodating with everyone (mainly his family) but doesn’t seem to understand how this situation is impacting/affecting me. I have talked to him in the last 4 months so so many times...and still back to square one as of last night.

osarusan · 06-02-2020 12:10pm

Stop going to his house, first of all.

If he doesn't understand why you're not comfortable going there, then he must be be pretty thick/selfish. Is him staying at your place not an option for some reason?

What actually happens to his house is a thornier issue - is it his to sell? Even if it is legally, is selling it going to cause a world of problems with people screaming they will be left homeless and blaming him, and you, for it?

If he is concerned about that (they are his family after all), could he get his brother to buy it/buy him out?

If he is telling you something, talking about plans that he has no intention of actually doing, it's a real problem though.

It seems like you'd be happy enough in the relationship if that house and the people in it impacted on your life as little as possible.

Is that something you can achieve?

And having said all that, you are getting an insight, or further insight, into the kind of family he has, and they'll not change their tune as long as they're around, so bear that in mind for your long-term future.

Yanna3783 · 06-02-2020 12:17pm

Thank you for your reply.

You have made a good point in regards to the brother buying it from him, this could be something I can say to him. To answer your question, the house is his to sell and do as he pleases as he is the one who bought it. However we are both going to sell our properties and buy one for ourselves, or that was the plan.

What actually happens to his house is a thornier issue - is it his to sell? Even if it is legally, is selling it going to cause a world of problems with people screaming they will be left homeless and blaming him, and you, for it?" - this wouldn't be anything to do with me, absolutely not my problem or his problem, as mentioned the brother is on a decent salary. Lets just say the rent is very very SMALL. He even had issues when he had to pay half a bill. He only contributes to two in the house.

His brother's living arrangements are none of my concern. I made many sacrifices to purchase my house when I was in my early 20's and didn't have anything handed to me, where all I can see here is a spoiled brat, and when I say that I really do know what I am talking about.

"It seems like you'd be happy enough in the relationship if that house and the people in it impacted on your life as little as possible." - you are right but I don't know how to achieve this. It's getting really frustrating and getting me down, so down that I am afraid I shall break up with him over this and will regret it.

He does stay with me, but we work in two different counties so it would be a trek every morning to get to his job from where I live. I suggested getting a new job closer to where i live, and he is looking at this now.

My point is that if we don't move in now, we never will so we might as well just call it quits. I guess my frustration is talking here.

And having said all that, you are getting an insight, or further insight, into the kind of family he has, and they'll not change their tune as long as they're around, so bear that in mind for your long-term future. - You are not the first who said that and I COMPLETELY AGREE.

Xterminator · 06-02-2020 12:55pm

My fiancée keeps telling me what I want to hear, but nothing has changed so far. ...He does stay with me, but we work in two different counties so it would be a trek every morning to get to his job from where I live. I suggested getting a new job closer to where i live, and he is looking at this now.

Hi OP

Stop going over to his house, if it causes your stress like that. Currently he has no reason to change the circumstances, because it is your problem, he doesn't have one.

If you move back home, he has to make a choice, and it becomes his problem. if he does love you and want to live together then he will make the effort. His actions not his words will let you know where you stands.

dvdman1 · 06-02-2020 1:16pm

Stop going over no buts ifs or maybes
By not going over your actions give your words meaning and states your seriousness

If your fiancee loves you, he'll resolve the outstanding issues to accommodate you and your future lives. Dont get too involved remember your not married or have any basis legally.
Dont do endless badgering as he'll eight act or not...subconsciously his actions will tell you how he decides on everything

If he doesnt act, well....... cutting your loses at 5yrs may not be the worst. Your Age, future kids everything needs to be considered carefully.
Sounds like the guy needs to grow a pair and start sticking up for team you 2.

Yanna3783 · 06-02-2020 1:55pm

Xterminator wrote: »

Hi OP

Stop going over to his house, if it causes your stress like that. Currently he has no reason to change the circumstances, because it is your problem, he doesn't have one.

If you move back home, he has to make a choice, and it becomes his problem. if he does love you and want to live together then he will make the effort. His actions not his words will let you know where you stands.

Well its not really only my problem, its also his, as we were planning on selling both houses, now with the brother in, sure nothing is happening. Am not being mean here, but I want to know if we have a future together or not...me being a weekend fiancee isn't really something I signed up for, as that's how I currently feel (and he knows that).

Yanna3783 · 06-02-2020 1:58pm

dvdman1 wrote: »

Stop going over no buts ifs or maybes
By not going over your actions give your words meaning and states your seriousness

If your fiancee loves you, he'll resolve the outstanding issues to accommodate you and your future lives. Dont get too involved remember your not married or have any basis legally.
Dont do endless badgering as he'll eight act or not...subconsciously his actions will tell you how he decides on everything

If he doesnt act, well....... cutting your loses at 5yrs may not be the worst. Your Age, future kids everything needs to be considered carefully.
Sounds like the guy needs to grow a pair and start sticking up for team you 2.

He is happy in a way for me not to go over, as to avoid me meeting them, that way he has a quite/happy house and he also thinks relationship; or so I gathered from the answers he gave me.
He's basically saying we need to plan when I come over to ensure they aren't there when I am...I almost feel off my chair laughing...

TheBoyConor · 06-02-2020 1:59pm

I'd say his actions speak louder than his words. He probably isn't that pushed about the whole thing and if he has not moved by now after you raising the matter with him several times before and now you are opening a new thread and nothing has changed then there is also the potential possibility that he is hoping that you will break it off and save him doing it.

Also, if I were him it would seem to me like you are trying put put an undue amount of influence on him with regard to what he does with HIS house. You have no claim on that place nor any right to dictate how he should or should not manage it. If you are not satisfied with it, or don't approve of it for whatever reason, then as per the title of your thread, you can always just walk away. Be thankful that you have the luxury of just walking away with no fallout. Imagine if you were married, with a shared mortgage and children - there'd be no such thing as walking away then I can tell you.

Yanna3783 · 06-02-2020 2:02pm

TheBoyConor wrote: »

I'd say his actions speak louder than his words. He probably isn't that pushed about the whole thing and if he has not moved by now after you raising the matter with him several times before and now you are opening a new thread and nothing has changed then there is also the potential possibility that he is hoping that you will break it off and save him doing it.

Also, if I were him it would seem to me like you are trying put put an undue amount of influence on him with regard to what he does with HIS house. You have no claim on that place nor any right to dictate how he should or should not manage it. If you are not satisfied with it, or don't approve of it for whatever reason, then as per the title of your thread, you can always just walk away.

- excuse me i am not going into this empty handed, all this was his idea, his plans which unfortunately changed with the parents drastic desire to move. No one is putting pressure on anyone. All I want to know is if this is going the distance or not. Obviously am not 20 anymore and i don't want to be an old bride.

Yep tried that too several times as a matter of fact....I did ask....trust me on that.

Any other suggestions are welcomed.

TheBoyConor · 06-02-2020 2:04pm

I don't get you, you tried what?

At the end of the day, if he wanted to move in with you that badly he would have done it already. Ye are together 5 years. I know people who were married and with children after 2 years.

Likelyhood is that he is not all that bothered about moving in together and is happy with the status quo.
Tbh, if it is causing this much hassle, then I can understand why he would not be too keen on moving in with you. At least as it stands, he has some independence and his own place whereas if ye moved into a joint house he might be worried that your tendency towards pressurising and cajoling and my way or the highway would mean that you'd be dictating and calling the shots in the household.

Yanna3783 · 06-02-2020 2:06pm

TheBoyConor wrote: »

I don't get you, you tried what?

To take a break or even actually break up.

TheBoyConor · 06-02-2020 2:09pm

Well in that case and if this has been going on for so long then I would say that it is a bad omen for the future. Perhaps ye are just not suited and have different preferances. Might be better just biting the bullet and calling it a day because you could be back here again in another 2 or 3 or 5 years complaining about him still.

And there is no such thing as taking a break. People break up. People who actually want to stay together with their other half don't make suggestions of taking a break.

TheBoyConor · 06-02-2020 2:12pm

All I want to know is if this is going the distance or not

Well considering that you are back again with the issue with ZERO progress having been made since your last thread a good long time ago that ran through pages of posts, then I would say you have your answer to that question........

Yanna3783 · 06-02-2020 2:12pm

TheBoyConor wrote: »

Well in that case and if this has been going on for so long then I would say that it is a bad omen for the future. Perhaps ye are just not suited and have different preferances. Might be better just biting the bullet and calling it a day because you could be back here again in another 2 or 3 or 5 years complaining about him still.

And there is no such thing as taking a break. People break up. People who actually want to stay together with their other half don't make suggestions of taking a break.

- it was obviously a break up but just a gentle way of saying it.

This has been going on since October 2018. Maybe I need to give it more time, maybe the brother will move out to his own apartment, maybe just maybe. However I don't see that happening given the easy life he has now.

osarusan · 06-02-2020 2:13pm

Yanna3783 wrote: »

this wouldn't be anything to do with me, absolutely not my problem or his problem, as mentioned the brother is on a decent salary. Lets just say the rent is very very SMALL. He even had issues when he had to pay half a bill. He only contributes to two in the house.

It looks to me like it would be his problem, and by extension your problem too, because his brother has a sweet deal and will be looking to hold on to it.

If it wouldn't be a problem for your partner to get them to leave and sell it tomorrow, why hasn't he done it?

Your partner may legally has the right to sell the house, but however it happened, he has ended up with his brother, his brother's partner, and even his mother, spending plenty of time in the house, and this is likely the reason he is not willing to sell/kick them out, because of the sh!tstorm it will cause from his brother and controlling parents.

Yanna3783 · 06-02-2020 2:15pm

TheBoyConor wrote: »

Well considering that you are back again with the issue with ZERO progress having been made since your last thread a good long time ago that ran through pages of posts, then I would say you have your answer to that question........

I posted last October/November/December, it wasn't that long ago. Don't assume. I shouldn't take much advice from you going by your other posts, in fairness. You seem to love being single.

TheBoyConor · 06-02-2020 2:16pm

You'd be only codding yourself giving it one more chance. This pattern has been going on for several years now. Why would things change now all of a sudden??

And yes maybe he has a life of ease and would rather keep it rather than getting into a domestic partnership situation with someone who has a pattern of behaviour that is characterised by chronic badgering and wheedling until he does what she wants him to do.

Yanna3783 · 06-02-2020 2:17pm

osarusan wrote: »

It looks to me like it would be his problem, and by extension your problem too, because his brother has a sweet deal and will be looking to hold on to it.

If it wouldn't be a problem for your partner to get them to leave and sell it tomorrow, why hasn't he done it?

Your partner may legally has the right to sell the house, but however it happened, he has ended up with his brother, his brother's partner, and even his mother, spending plenty of time in the house, and this is likely the reason he is not willing to sell/kick them out, because of the sh!tstorm it will cause from his brother and controlling parents.

Yes I see your point...still as someone else said earlier - he needs to stand up for team US. If he doesn't I guess I have my answer.

Yanna3783 · 06-02-2020 2:19pm

TheBoyConor wrote: »

You'd be only codding yourself giving it one more chance. This pattern has been going on for several years now. Why would things change now all of a sudden??

And yes maybe he has a life of ease and would rather keep it rather than getting into a domestic partnership situation with someone who has a pattern of behaviour that is characterised by chronic badgering and wheedling until he does what she wants him to do.

Would you relax my dear. You seem to be describing your ex going by your other posts. Please don't assume I am her, as I am not! So please relax with the analogies and insults. You don't know me. If you dont have anything constructive to say, please don't say it at all.

It's not going on for several year....are you joking me? Were did I say that? Stop assuming and read the text properly.

Princess Calla · 06-02-2020 2:19pm

I remember your original thread and the one after.

This situation is ongoing approx 6 months now and appears to be getting worse not better.

I thought originally the brother was moving in until he got himself sorted, now with the girlfriend leaving her job it sounds like they have no intention of buying something together.

Sounds like they are pretty cosy in the current situation.

Originally when I read this thread my first reaction was ffs just break up with him and move on. Though after 5 years when it's outside influences causing the problem it's a big step.

However, after reading some of the replies I do think stop going to his house is a good short term solution. Make your problem his problem. I would only be giving this 3-4 months and if you are still not happy I do think its time to walk.

Yanna3783 · 06-02-2020 2:21pm

Princess Calla wrote: »

I remember your original thread and the one after.

This situation is ongoing approx 6 months now and appears to be getting worse not better.

I thought originally the brother was moving in until he got himself sorted, now with the girlfriend leaving her job it sounds like they have no intention of buying something together.

Sounds like they are pretty cosy in the current situation.

Originally when I read this thread my first reaction was ffs just break up with him and move on. Though after 5 years when it's outside influences causing the problem it's a big step.

However, after reading some of the replies I do think stop going to his house is a good short term solution. Make your problem his problem. I would only be giving this 3-4 months and if you are still not happy I do think its time to walk.

Yes they do have a really cosy situation...I agree. I really do agree....I will try give it another 3/4 months if things don't improve...its time to walk.

Glad you understand its quite hard walking away after 5 years, and plans made.

osarusan · 06-02-2020 2:24pm

Yanna3783 wrote: »

Yes I see your point...still as someone else said earlier - he needs to stand up for team US. If he doesn't I guess I have my answer.

Sometimes in life we have to make difficult decisions and give people news they don't want to hear. His family have made this one of those times for him.

Maybe he thinks it's just easier to let you down than let them down.

I think you need to sit down with him and review what the original plans were, how long they were for, and then compare them with where you are now, and get him round to the point where he either agrees that he's not satisfied with it either, or you learn that he's actually pretty content to keep things plodding along as they are.

If you truly are getting to the point where you are just going to end it all, it's ultimatum time.

Yanna3783 · 06-02-2020 2:28pm

osarusan wrote: »

Sometimes in life we have to make difficult decisions and give people news they don't want to hear. His family have made this one of those times for him.

Maybe he thinks it's just easier to let you down than let them down.

If you truly are getting to the point where you are just going to end it all, it's ultimatum time.

I think you are right where you said, its easier to let me down than to let them down. I am getting to a point where its ultimatum time unfortunately. I wish it wasn't that, as otherwise the relationship in my opinion is fine, he says the same. I do understand he is in the middle in all this, but he sort of needs to decide, as I can't wait forever.

I think you need to sit down with him and review what the original plans were, how long they were for, and then compare them with where you are now, and get him round to the point where he either agrees that he's not satisfied with it either, or you learn that he's actually pretty content to keep things plodding along as they are. - agree, I will be speaking to him tonight, when I get home (my own home).

Pauliedragon · 06-02-2020 2:30pm

One thing that pops up here non stop too OP is that there is already a big issue with your fiancés family before your even married. This could very well escalate afterwards. Are these the in laws you're willing to deal with for the rest of your life?

Wheety · 06-02-2020 2:30pm

Do you have family/friends near your house? Start spending more time with them. Tell your fiancé that you're not going to his house with the current situation as it is. It's like being in a house share.

Ask him what happens next. You may have to walk away if there's no movement.

Do not think that you won't meet anyone else. That should not be a reason for staying with someone. Same with the thoughts of 'throwing 5 years away'. You going to stay with him forever because of how long you've already been together?

TheBoyConor · 06-02-2020 2:30pm

Fair enough but you must remember that at the end of the day, blood is thicker than water. Girlfriends come and go but family is for life.

Yanna3783 · 06-02-2020 2:31pm

Pauliedragon wrote: »

One thing that pops up here non stop too OP is that there is already a big issue with your fiancés family before your even married. This could very well escalate afterwards. Are these the in laws you're willing to deal with for the rest of your life?

No not at all.

Wheety · 06-02-2020 2:32pm

Are there kids in your plans? Because of the age you said, if you are planning kids, this needs to be sorted asap.

Yanna3783 · 06-02-2020 2:32pm

TheBoyConor wrote: »

Fair enough but you must remember that at the end of the day, blood is thicker than water. Girlfriends come and go but family is for life.

ha ha ha yeah heard that before....ha ha ha please stop with this analogy "blood is thicker than water" ...seriously?!?

I have plenty of examples where that isn't the case.

jelly&icecream · 06-02-2020 2:33pm

He's seems determined to keep everyone happy... Except for you. You've given him numerous chances, unless he magically grows a pair of balls and deals with his brother and mother, which is extremely unlikely, you're wasting your time. You'll always be at the bottom of the priority list.

Do not under any circumstances buy a house with him. You'll end up in the same situation only with no escape route.

Yanna3783 · 06-02-2020 2:35pm

Wheety wrote: »

Do you have family/friends near your house? Start spending more time with them. Tell your fiancé that you're not going to his house with the current situation as it is. It's like being in a house share.

Ask him what happens next. You may have to walk away if there's no movement.

Do not think that you won't meet anyone else. That should not be a reason for staying with someone. Same with the thoughts of 'throwing 5 years away'. You going to stay with him forever because of how long you've already been together?

I agree with you...I am not afraid of leaving because I have been with him 5 years and I wont find anyone else, but I do love him and wanted to give this 100%. I understand I don't need to stay in an unhappy relationship, but this isn't an unhappy relationship....just his family is constantly in the way. Well I hope it doesn't sound like its an unhappy relationship.

Yanna3783 · 06-02-2020 2:36pm

Wheety wrote: »

Are there kids in your plans? Because of the age you said, if you are planning kids, this needs to be sorted asap.

Yes or so we discussed. But haven't actively tried until the so called dust settles (doesn't seem to have). I know he wants them also.

He is a very nice guy, and tries to please everyone, absolutely everyone and hates people not getting on.

jelly&icecream · 06-02-2020 2:39pm

Yanna3783 wrote: »

I agree with you...I am not afraid of leaving because I have been with him 5 years and I wont find anyone else, but I do love him and wanted to give this 100%. I understand I don't need to stay in an unhappy relationship, but this isn't an unhappy relationship....just his family is constantly in the way. Well I hope it doesn't sound like its an unhappy relationship.

They're in the way though because he won't lay down some pretty standard boundaries with them. Stop looking at it was being a them problem, it's a him problem. Maybe he is the way he is because they raised him to be the whipping boy of the family, but if that's the issue he's probably not capable of being 'deprogrammed' at this stage.

Yanna3783 · 06-02-2020 2:41pm

jelly&icecream wrote: »

They're in the way though because he won't lay down some pretty standard boundaries with them. Stop looking at it was being a them problem, it's a him problem. Maybe he is the way he is because they raised him to be the whipping boy of the family, but if that's the issue he's probably not capable of being 'deprogrammed' at this stage.

Almost the exact words a friend of mine used, ESPECIALLY about the "deprogramming" that had me laughing.

I have explained to him that boundaries need to be set in place, he agrees....then comes complaining to me when they do something silly in the house. It's like I am talking to the walls.

Princess Calla · 06-02-2020 2:48pm

TheBoyConor wrote: »

Fair enough but you must remember that at the end of the day, blood is thicker than water. Girlfriends come and go but family is for life.

The blood of the covenent is thicker than the water of the womb..... Means relationships made from choice are stronger than those made through birth!!

Girlfriends do come and go, but these pair are engaged due to be married, so she's not just abit of fluff infairness.

She is supposed to be his future family of choice.

Yanna3783 · 06-02-2020 2:54pm

Princess Calla wrote: »

The blood of the covenent is thicker than the water of the womb..... Means relationships made from choice are stronger than those made through birth!!

Girlfriends do come and go, but these pair are engaged due to be married, so she's not just abit of fluff infairness.

She is supposed to be his future family of choice.

100% agree...

Reading my posts it makes me really angry that I have allowed this situation to develop and grow so much .

All my friends are telling me to walk away...at this stage. He will not change. I am so torn.

jelly&icecream · 06-02-2020 2:56pm

Yanna3783 wrote: »

Almost the exact words a friend of mine used, ESPECIALLY about the "deprogramming" that had me laughing.

I have explained to him that boundaries need to be set in place, he agrees....then comes complaining to me when they do something silly in the house. It's like I am talking to the walls.

If someone who knows the while situation is saying this to you aswell then please heed them. If you have a kid with him, you and the kid will still come second to keeping mammy and leech brother happy. You seem to accept being treated like the lowest priority but would you be for your child to be treated like that? The child may be offered up to granny to keep her entertained but you'll still be treated as an optional add-on.

Tbh you should really consider whether the relationship is worth continuing with. Unless he gets some serious counseling or something he will never change.

Yanna3783 · 06-02-2020 2:58pm

jelly&icecream wrote: »

He's seems determined to keep everyone happy... Except for you. You've given him numerous chances, unless he magically grows a pair of balls and deals with his brother and mother, which is extremely unlikely, you're wasting your time. You'll always be at the bottom of the priority list.

Do not under any circumstances buy a house with him. You'll end up in the same situation only with no escape route.

- I know I know everyone tells me the same thing about not buying a house together.

I know and agree that I don't seem to even be on the priority list. Trust me I have had these conversations with him...he claims to understand but then back to square one.

TheBoyConor · 06-02-2020 3:00pm

He won't change. I'm telling you that now. Everyone is telling the same.
And everyone on the last thread you made told you the same thing too.

Walk way. Do it. Walk away while you still have the chance to have a family. You're time is running out. You are in your late 30s so your chances are diminishing as we type, week by week...

Yanna3783 · 06-02-2020 3:00pm

jelly&icecream wrote: »

If someone who knows the while situation is saying this to you aswell then please heed them. If you have a kid with him, you and the kid will still come second to keeping mammy and leech brother happy. You seem to accept being treated like the lowest priority but would you be for your child to be treated like that? The child may be offered up to granny to keep her entertained but you'll still be treated as an optional add-on.

Tbh you should really consider whether the relationship is worth continuing with. Unless he gets some serious counseling or something he will never change.

Had this conversation with him also...he agrees and makes the right head gestures...but still back to square one.

Yanna3783 · 06-02-2020 3:02pm

TheBoyConor wrote: »

He won't change. I'm telling you that now. Everyone is telling the same.

Walk way. Do it. Walk away while you still have the chance to have a family. You're time is running out.

Glad to see that now you realize I am not as crazy as you initially thought I was. And trust me this isnt even half of what has been happening that I had shared with you. If you'd only knew the way the mother treated me up to recently until I had to stand up for myself (was expecting him to do it, but he said he didn't hear it)

jelly&icecream · 06-02-2020 3:06pm

Yanna3783 wrote: »

Glad to see that now you realize I am not as crazy as you initially thought I was. And trust me this isnt even half of what has been happening that I had shared with you. If you'd only knew the way the mother treated me up to recently until I had to stand up for myself (was expecting him to do it, but he said he didn't hear it)

Oh god. Please dump him. You deserve better. He will never change. Things will only get worse with a child in the picture.

You know fine well he heard. You're allowing yourself to be treated like crap. LEAVE

Yanna3783 · 06-02-2020 3:12pm

jelly&icecream wrote: »

Oh god. Please dump him. You deserve better. He will never change. Things will only get worse with a child in the picture.

You know fine well he heard. You're allowing yourself to be treated like crap. LEAVE

Of course he heard he was sitting next to me. He seems to be afraid of his family...and I certainly can't fix that.

06-02-2020 3:49pm

What no one has really mentioned yet is his family. In this case you will be marrying them as well. If you do buy a house together make sure it is several hours away from his family.

Yanna3783 · 06-02-2020 3:50pm

Deleted User wrote: »

What no one has really mentioned yet is his family. In this case you will be marrying them as well. If you do buy a house together make sure it is several hours away from his family.

That was the plan. Each to their own. I am not here to care for everyone, given he is on really good wages (brother). I certainly won't be marrying them.

As another poster said 3/4 months tops.

TheBoyConor · 06-02-2020 4:07pm

The writing is on the wall i'd say.

Yanna3783 · 06-02-2020 4:09pm

TheBoyConor wrote: »

The writing is on the wall i'd say.

Would you stop bothering me with your comments, please! You have actually been really nasty, nastiness that's not really needed here. Hope I never meet you as a cop on the streets of Dublin (that's if you got into Templemore) and if you do, I'll give you my fiancees number, he might teach you a thing or two about being nice on the streets of Dublin while wearing a uniform.

Thanks for your input but I kinda had enough of your attitude and comments.

Take care.

nthclare · 06-02-2020 4:14pm

There's 4 sides to this story and it looks like we're only get one side.

Sounds very dysfunctional and I'd be suggesting to a female friend or my sister to run to the hills.

Boards is ok for opinions but advice on relationships and break ups is for two adults to discuss.

Independence and a gut feeling is enough.

Yanna3783 · 06-02-2020 4:15pm

nthclare wrote: »

There's 4 sides to this story and it looks like we're only get one side.

Sounds very dysfunctional and I'd be suggesting to a female friend or my sister to run to the hills.

Boards is ok for opinions but advice on relationships and break ups is for two adults to discuss.

Independence and a gut feeling is enough.

100% agree with you - always plenty of sides to listen to (not sure what the others would say, but i'd love for them to hear mine and vice versa). However with that in mind, it was really great to be able to get this off my chest (again), especially today. I appreciate the replies.

Tiddlypeeps · 06-02-2020 4:59pm

It doesn't sound like it's a priority issue, he seems to agree that what you want is the way things should be. It sounds like a spineless issue. At the moment he is choosing inaction over action because it is so much easier to just go with the flow than to ruffle feathers. Your feathers are being ruffled, but it's not by any action on his part so from his perspective he isn't responsible as it's a thing that is happening to the both of you and not something he has caused.

You need to force the situation or things will never change. That could be no longer visiting his house at all or issuing an ultimatum, although I suspect with the former he would still just go along with it and live with either being at yours more or seeing you less.

Not living together after 5 years is insane. You would be mad to let this continue any longer. I can imagine the difficulty of ending a 5 year relationship, but the sunk cost fallacy really applies here, you are just going to continue throwing more time at a bad situation. For fear of looking at 5 years wasted you will very quickly find yourself looking at 6 years wasted.

AulWan · 06-02-2020 6:47pm

My gut reaction is your fiance is hedging his bets and doesn't want to sell his house. If he was on board with the plan to sell both houses he should never have let his brother move in.

He would probably prefer to rent his/both houses out (his to his brother?) and either move in with/closer to you or buy another property with you but still have his own house if it goes wrong.

Either that or he really is that whipped by his family.

Should I just walk away?

Comments