What’s wrong

Extrahotmocha · 18-12-2019 11:52pm

Calypso Realm wrote: »

Completely agree with Bitaofabind the above.

I'd just like to add this guy sounds to me like someone who's newly out of a relationship, or misses being in one, something he was trying to 'recapture' with someone new. I could be wrong but I reckon that was what all that lovebombing and endless communication was all about. Maybe, for example you reminded him of an ex? A sort of instant relationship, that is until you two met up face-to-face and he realised what he had built up in his head did not match the reality of the situation. Do you know anything about his prior relationships?

And OP never drive two miles to meet someone. Let them come to you. Ditto with paying for that meal.

He talked a lot about his exes actually and seemed to have quite a few. There were signs of prolific dating, which I did ignore. Another thing that put me off - every time I went to message him on WhatsApp for the first time he was online all the time. I found that strange.

He got out of a relationship at the start of the year. What struck me was how negatively he talked about all his exes - all had wronged him in some way. I bite my tongue with stuff like that cos I always feel like there are two sides and would never badmouth an ex to a new partner myself. Say he even talks about meeting me, there’ll be his version and my version and the truth always meets in the middle I find. He might genuinely be having a hard time finding someone, I’m not sure.

Oh, lesson has been well and truly learned. Although I must confess I’m a divil for offering to pay. I’ll work on that

18-12-2019 11:53pm

Narcisse..

Extrahotmocha · 19-12-2019 12:05am

bitofabind wrote: »

Well then this is something you can actively work on to make sure your confidence is in the right place so that you're not letting just anyone walk into your life. If the threshold is this low, you're always going to be vulnerable to plebs like Mr. Lovebomb and dating will always be painful and frustrating. This kind of behaviour is prolific online and you need a strong line of defence if you're going to put yourself out there. You wouldn't accept just anyone for friendship in your life, so why lower the bar when it comes to the most important relationship you'll probably ever have?

You come across as a very warm, funny and thoughtful person, so try to not internalise and make this all about YOUR faults. Because it's not. You can act like the most dignified, confident, self-assured person ever and you'd still have to manoeuvre your way around the ghosting and lying and love-bombing and all that shyte - anyone that's spent any time on a dating app will be familiar with it. You could just do with tightening up your boundaries and strengthening your confidence so that you're prioritising what YOU want and not letting lads away with bs because you think it's all you deserve.

Thanks so much for this, I really didn’t expect this amount of advice and kindness from everyone on here. To be honest, I feel like I deserve to be told to grow the duck up and deal with it. I should know better!

Anyway, I don’t want to have a pity party, cos as I say I have a lot of great things too. I’m trying to work on my confidence, but a lot of the time I don’t know where to start. Sometimes the only confidence boost I get is from my interactions during online dating even though I should know well enough to take them with a pinch of salt. It’s just nice for someone else to think you’re pretty or smart or whatever. But when it goes wrong, I just put it back on myself and think they were fibbing so it’s a vicious cycle. I have a super poor body/face image too, but sometimes I wonder if that actually is a lack of confidence or just the truth that I’m not good looking enough for a partner.

I will reestablish my boundaries though - when I first started dating they were stricter. Now I feel like I could be talked into a lot, which is hard to admit.

Thank you again

Extrahotmocha · 19-12-2019 12:11am

Goodigal wrote: »

OP you sound like such a lovely person. And congrats on the weight loss. I'm on bumble too and find it very difficult to get chatting with men in my age bracket. Never mind go as far as arrange a date!! But you now know to give less away and know your boundaries. And yes a certain level of messaging is fun and makes you feel good but I can't get it out of my head that they're probably messaging a handful of other women too at the same time. I miss the old days of catching someone's eye across a bar... Best of luck with your confidence and finding someone who appreciates the lovely person you are.

Thank you

it was tough going but I managed to lose 4 stone in the end! I feel much healthier now.

I can totally relate to everything you just said, we could start some sort of Bumble club lol But like you say, even when I’m messaging and enjoying the conversation, it’s always there niggling away. That’s why I was so happy when he said he hadn’t used it while talking to me. Couldn’t verify that though cos he weirdly unmatched me too. I completely miss people approaching, it never happens any more!

19-12-2019 1:03am

I would say that someone who comes on obsessively like that at the start is never going to be a normal decent guy.

Start from that principle and you won't go far wrong.

Extrahotmocha · 24-12-2019 10:18pm

Just to update - he unfollowed me on all social media recently. Kind of annoyed because I kept on following him and throwing him the odd like as I didn’t want to seem childish - social media is the divils work.

Anyway, done and dusted. Thank you all for your advice and kindness on this thread! Still off the apps and having a lovely Christmas

wishing you all a good one x

JeffKenna · 24-12-2019 11:38pm

Extrahotmocha wrote: »

Just to update - he unfollowed me on all social media recently. Kind of annoyed because I kept on following him and throwing him the odd like as I didn’t want to seem childish - social media is the divils work.

Anyway, done and dusted. Thank you all for your advice and kindness on this thread! Still off the apps and having a lovely Christmas wishing you all a good one x

You know what - screw him.
Just from my own perspective I was online dating for a few years and it genuinely got to the stage where I believed I'd ever meet "the one". It does happen trust me. I think when you meet the person you'll know. You seem lovely and funny from your comments so the best thing to do is kick back and have a few drinks tonight. He'll find you when the time is right for both of you.

bitofabind · 25-12-2019 12:01am

You sound like an absolute sweetheart OP. And he sounds like a serial dating eejit.

Hold out for someone that values your loveliness. And let 2020 be the year that you begin to value it yourself. Self respect and self compassion are the first stop in finding happiness. When you find the right person it’s easy and peaceful and all makes sense, and not living on a cliff edge waiting to be ghosted. You deserve and will find that, in the mean time have a happy Christmas and do something nice for yourself x

Extrahotmocha · 29-01-2020 1:09am

Ok guys, I’m so sorry but I completely messed up again. You all gave me such wonderful advice, and I still managed to stuff it up.

When I was feeling confident again, I re-joined. Had a few dates that went nowhere but that was ok. I coped really well so thought I was in a good space.

Met another guy recently and we hit it off. Again, he was so nice and kind. Interesting, complimentary etc. Met up with him in person, I made the terrible mistake of sleeping with him on the first date. I then got a message to my account (he basically did all he could to avoid texting me/giving his number) saying that he wasn’t interested in emotionally, but physically if I wanted to meet again.

I was so mad at myself that I ended up binge eating to the point I made myself ill. I recognise this to be a bit of a problem now, and am really beginning to wonder the toll this is taking on my mental health. I starved myself for three days after to “make up for it”. This is going beyond the scope of this forum, I know, but I think I just needed to write it out.

I can’t blame anyone else for this, it was just a stupid mistake and AGAIN I got caught up in what I perceived to be someone who was genuinely interested. I can’t even blame him because it’s my stupidity that caused it. I’m just feeling so disgusting right now cos I’ve never done anything like this before.

I just wanted to say, your support before meant so much, and I completely recognise this to be a problem in me and my ability to cope with rejection. My coping mechanisms are very unhealthy, and for now I don’t think I’ve anything to offer anyone in a relationship.

I feel very damaged, and that I’ll never be able to attract someone this way. I honestly try my best to be kind and thoughtful, no drama, but I still don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I texted this boy back telling him not to worry, and to text me if he ever felt like it. The fact I even sent this makes me mad, cos he didn’t deserve a response. If it were my friend I’d have told her to not bother, but I was so afraid of him thinking badly of me, I replied.

I thought of myself as a happy, independent person and have loads of wonderful people in my life but I’m placing far too much emphasis on romantic rejection and it has really changed me.

Any and all input welcome, even if it’s harsh criticism. I definitely deserve it.

Jurgen Klopp · 29-01-2020 3:04am

You sound like you are so caught up with meeting someone you get over invested too and then teh rejection is even worse.

What's worse with that is you could be meeting guys and totally letting red flags pass too just to have someone.

To be honest with binge eating and starving yourself over it I don't mean to be mean, but I'm afraid you really need to go see your GP and/or a counselor

Goodigal · 29-01-2020 8:33am

Agree with the last poster. The binge eating would be more concerning than anything else. If you were sexually attracted to that date and had a fun time, that's ok. But to become overwrought with anxiety and be self destructive, because of feelings afterwards, I found it hard to read. You're a great person that just needs to love herself first. Please get professional help so life becomes easier. Mind yourself.

Extrahotmocha · 29-01-2020 11:03am

Goodigal wrote: »

Agree with the last poster. The binge eating would be more concerning than anything else. If you were sexually attracted to that date and had a fun time, that's ok. But to become overwrought with anxiety and be self destructive, because of feelings afterwards, I found it hard to read. You're a great person that just needs to love herself first. Please get professional help so life becomes easier. Mind yourself.

Thank you - I’m so sorry if my post upset you, I wasn’t even thinking. I was just in a bad way when I wrote it, I think everything just came spilling out to strangers on the internet because I didn’t want to worry those close to me.

I am going to seek further help, I know it’s not right. It’s just difficult to admit and upsetting to think that I’ve developed this way of coping when I’m so aware of it and know how wrong it is.

I honestly was never like this before, I’m not sure how much more rejection I can handle. For me I base loving myself on what others think of me. Friends, family, co workers, dates. If people think I’m a fun, good person, I think of myself as a fun good person. I can’t separate the two.

Anyway, I’m chatting ****e again. Thank you for taking the time to respond

charlietheminxx · 29-01-2020 1:04pm

Extrahotmocha wrote: »

I can’t blame anyone else for this, it was just a stupid mistake and AGAIN I got caught up in what I perceived to be someone who was genuinely interested. I can’t even blame him because it’s my stupidity that caused it. I’m just feeling so disgusting right now cos I’ve never done anything like this before.

OP now come on, that just is not true. He misrepresented what he was looking for and some people are very good at that, it does not make you stupid in the slightest. Show me someone who has never been played or made to feel like a fool at some point and I'll show you liar.

I didn't see your thread when you originally posted but having read through, you seem lovely - smart and funny. There is nothing wrong with you but dreadfully low self esteem (which is usually a factor in disordered eating also).

Take a big deep breath. I think you need to work on your self esteem. Some counselling would probably be really good for you.

I know you want to meet someone but it sounds like the apps just aren't for you. Take a wee break from dating altogether and focus on yourself. Have you got good support from your friends at the moment?

Porklife · 29-01-2020 5:08pm

OP,

I followed your thread from before Christmas and much akin to everyone else, I think you come across as such a lovely warm person. Unfortunately, the modern dating world is a tough place to be and sweet people can get trampled upon in the stampede.

There is nothing wrong with sleeping with a guy on the first night. Many successful relationships have started out this way but as a general rule for myself, I try not to do this if I actually see potential with the guy. This is a personal inner compass and it's not because I see anything wrong with sleeping together on the first date, it's just that a guy who takes the time to get to know you better first probably has a higher likelihood of not exiting stage left the second the act is over!

That said, I have waited a couple of weeks with guys I've felt a spark with and a real connection only for them to bolt. I've also been seeing guys for up to 3 months who have suddenly ended it and I have most certainly hopped into bed after a few hours of meeting only for the guy be more into me than I am him!

My point there being that there are no hard and fast rules. Having sex the first night is most likely not the reason a guy doesn't want a relationship with you. I would hazard a guess it is more about how you present yourself and what you are willing to put up with. I think your desire for a loving companion is clouding your judgement and I know how frustrating it can be when you feel you have tried and tested every dating strategy.

I've been the cool girl who takes ages to text back and is soooooooooooo busy with friends and hobbies that I can barely fit him into my Paris Hilton lifestyle (it didn't work). I've been the over texter who fell into the role of love bomber matching him love bomb for bomb (it didn't work). I've come off the apps and made a concerted effort to meet people in real life (it didn't work). I've dressed as a rock chick and drank pints and been uber laid back (it didn't work) and I've been super girl with my teeny dress and high heels sipping on a chardonnay and yep, you've guessed it - it didn't work.

Finally, the approach I took that so far has been working, is that I decided to become happy in my skin and to accept the fact that I may be alone forever. This is the last thing I want btw, it's just something that I close to accept as a possibility. I am fit, healthy (for the most part bar drinking waayyyyyyy too much) and happy in my own skin. Like you OP, I punish myself and treat myself and often base my value on other people's perception of me but that really gets you nowhere. A phrase I heard a while ago that stuck with me is - What other people think of you is none of your business. In other words, who cares!

I use alcohol as my answer and saviour to everything. For you, it seems to be food. In that regard, I think you should speak first to a doctor to see if purging/starving has caused any internal damage but then to a counsellor who will be able to work on the issues which are causing you to behave in such a detrimental way.

I really hope you find what you are looking for OP. Your post struck a chord with me because you really do sound so lovely and deserving of happiness.

29-01-2020 6:00pm

Yeah, you do come across as quite lovely OP.. it's just pretty grim out there these days..I really hope you find what you are looking for too..

SozBbz · 29-01-2020 6:20pm

Extrahotmocha wrote: »

Just to update - he unfollowed me on all social media recently. Kind of annoyed because I kept on following him and throwing him the odd like as I didn’t want to seem childish - social media is the divils work.

This really stood out to me.
You've been given lots of really good advice and deep down its obvious you know what to do, but it looks to me like you're a chronic people pleaser.

Even after all this gobsh1te had done, the validation of tonnes on online strangers that he was indeed a gobsh1te, you still felt the need to be nice to him, but maintaining a social media connection and liking his posts - honestly, why?

This lad was nothing to you. He showed his true colours and yet you still cared what he thought about you?

You need to learn to put yourself first and not care what others think, especially not what gobsh1tes like him think. So what if you unfollowed him, So what if he then thought you were childish? How would you even know?

Put yourself first and if someone who you hardly know doesnt treat you right, block them because its not good for you to stay in contact. Who cares what hey think? You're hardly missing out on beautiful friendships here.

You should also block/unfollow this recent one night stand guy also. Keeping contact with him will do you no good.

Extrahotmocha · 29-01-2020 11:50pm

charlietheminxx wrote: »

OP now come on, that just is not true. He misrepresented what he was looking for and some people are very good at that, it does not make you stupid in the slightest. Show me someone who has never been played or made to feel like a fool at some point and I'll show you liar.

I didn't see your thread when you originally posted but having read through, you seem lovely - smart and funny. There is nothing wrong with you but dreadfully low self esteem (which is usually a factor in disordered eating also).

Take a big deep breath. I think you need to work on your self esteem. Some counselling would probably be really good for you.

I know you want to meet someone but it sounds like the apps just aren't for you. Take a wee break from dating altogether and focus on yourself. Have you got good support from your friends at the moment?

I just feel a bit responsible, particularly because everyone here basically spelt out the red flags for me and I did it again. I’ll admit there definitely weren’t as many with this guy beforehand (no over doing it on the message front, no bombarding on social media, interested in me as a person), but there were loads on our “date”. Even when I wasn’t up for doing things sexually, he would still try and gently convince me, dressing it up as what I wanted until I had to firmly say no. If I’m honest with myself, I went through with sleeping with him the first time because I felt I owed him as I was quite flirty via the messages. I didn’t want him to be disappointed. I’m not saying I didn’t have fun and it wasn’t consensual, it was both, but it was still a decision made because I thought it would please him. I knew rightly I’d regret it regardless how he followed through.

I’ve booked in for counselling through my health insurer. My self-esteem is non existent, and I can even see how pathetic I sound in these posts. I swear I’m not grovelling for sympathy, this is all my own doing.

I have friends and family but I don’t want to worry them. They have a lot going on, and there is a history of eating disorders in other members of the family. I don’t want to add to that.

Thank you so much for being so kind to me. I’m shocked when that you all haven taken the time to give advice and be supportive. I was on the fence about the counsellor before this thread, but that everyone else thinks it is a problem probably means it is.

Can’t delete the app yet though, it’s my one link to him. Even if he is a prick, I have this weird hope he’ll reach out. It’s a validation thing which is so embarrassing.

Extrahotmocha · 30-01-2020 12:39am

Porklife wrote: »

OP,

I followed your thread from before Christmas and much akin to everyone else, I think you come across as such a lovely warm person. Unfortunately, the modern dating world is a tough place to be and sweet people can get trampled upon in the stampede.

There is nothing wrong with sleeping with a guy on the first night. Many successful relationships have started out this way but as a general rule for myself, I try not to do this if I actually see potential with the guy. This is a personal inner compass and it's not because I see anything wrong with sleeping together on the first date, it's just that a guy who takes the time to get to know you better first probably has a higher likelihood of not exiting stage left the second the act is over!

That said, I have waited a couple of weeks with guys I've felt a spark with and a real connection only for them to bolt. I've also been seeing guys for up to 3 months who have suddenly ended it and I have most certainly hopped into bed after a few hours of meeting only for the guy be more into me than I am him!

My point there being that there are no hard and fast rules. Having sex the first night is most likely not the reason a guy doesn't want a relationship with you. I would hazard a guess it is more about how you present yourself and what you are willing to put up with. I think your desire for a loving companion is clouding your judgement and I know how frustrating it can be when you feel you have tried and tested every dating strategy.

I've been the cool girl who takes ages to text back and is soooooooooooo busy with friends and hobbies that I can barely fit him into my Paris Hilton lifestyle (it didn't work). I've been the over texter who fell into the role of love bomber matching him love bomb for bomb (it didn't work). I've come off the apps and made a concerted effort to meet people in real life (it didn't work). I've dressed as a rock chick and drank pints and been uber laid back (it didn't work) and I've been super girl with my teeny dress and high heels sipping on a chardonnay and yep, you've guessed it - it didn't work.

Finally, the approach I took that so far has been working, is that I decided to become happy in my skin and to accept the fact that I may be alone forever. This is the last thing I want btw, it's just something that I close to accept as a possibility. I am fit, healthy (for the most part bar drinking waayyyyyyy too much) and happy in my own skin. Like you OP, I punish myself and treat myself and often base my value on other people's perception of me but that really gets you nowhere. A phrase I heard a while ago that stuck with me is - What other people think of you is none of your business. In other words, who cares!

I use alcohol as my answer and saviour to everything. For you, it seems to be food. In that regard, I think you should speak first to a doctor to see if purging/starving has caused any internal damage but then to a counsellor who will be able to work on the issues which are causing you to behave in such a detrimental way.

I really hope you find what you are looking for OP. Your post struck a chord with me because you really do sound so lovely and deserving of happiness.

It’s so strange reading this, because this is literally my thought process right now. I’ve tried to be every version of myself, taken on every bit of advice to act a certain way and none of it works.

I have friends who have guys tripping over themselves for them, but even when I try to be detached and cool, it doesn’t matter. That’s why I feel like it’s inherent to me - my personality, my looks, me as a package.

But then I feel awful saying that, because you are clearly such a nice person, so why are you experiencing similar? Why do you think you’ll end up alone? It’s weird cos I say it about myself, but can’t stand anyone thinking similar. Bit hypocritical of me!

You sound like this cool person now who hangs out and does her own thing, and I’d love to be that again. I really did used to be that. I used to love my surfing, my horse riding, my reading in the local and now it all feels a bit faked. I don’t want to be by myself, I’m not happy doing those things alone anymore.

I used to drink when things went wrong when I was younger, but I just replaced one vice with another. Like you say, food is my both my punishment and saviour. I’ve lost so much weight, but I need to lose more before I’m perfect for someone else. But then I binge when things go wrong, and starve to make it right again. I couldn’t bear to look at food today, even though I was hungry, my tummy was turning.

Thank you so much for taking the time to post back, I can honestly say I relate to every word! X

30-01-2020 1:04am

Extrahotmocha wrote: »

It’s so strange reading this, because this is literally my thought process right now. I’ve tried to be every version of myself, taken on every bit of advice to act a certain way and none of it works.

X

I think this is half the problem with a lot of people these days.. they're trying to construct personalities based on bloody YouTube charisma pop psychology..

I don't know what to say to you, and I kind of think online dating has ruined the mating rituals that have kept the species going..I'd like to say it will work out, but I don't know if I can say that anymore..

I think it's a case of energy flow.. you're kind of negatively polarized..get to a stage where you feel first neutral, then positive, and then turn that positive energy outwards, and maybe you might get what you want..
(This is an I'll thought out pseudo metaphysical nonsense, and not based on anything other than the bored musings of a lunatic..so, like, don't take it as fact..)

Good luck with it anyway..

sallyanne12 · 30-01-2020 2:13am

Extrahotmocha wrote: »

I've lost so much weight, but I need to lose more before I’m perfect for someone else. ! X

See OP this just sums up how your thinking is wrong. You don't need to lose weight to be perfect for someone else. What about all heavy women in relationships. Do you think none of them are in good relationships and loved? You put too much emphasis on looks...

LegacyUser · 30-01-2020 10:57am

Extrahotmocha wrote: »

That’s why I feel like it’s inherent to me - my personality, my looks, me as a package.

It is inherent to you, OP, but not for the reasons you think. It's not looks or your personality or anything else - it is your chronic low self-esteem and yours is on the floor. I've been where you are and I can understand completely how you are feeling. It took years of intense (internal) work on myself to get to a place where I like myself, and I'm still not fully there.

Over and above everything else, you need to work on your self-esteem and I am glad that you have mentioned that you are going to go to therapy. It will help you more than you know.

I will second Porklife on needing to be okay with potentially never finding someone. You have to be okay with this. There isn't a lid for every pot, unfortunately. You need to be at peace with that (it will lessen the longing to meet someone and honestly it takes a weight off your shoulders). Maybe it will happen, maybe it won't, but you need to get busy with living your life for you and loving yourself.

Please delete that app. You say you can't just yet as it's your only link to this guy, but this is the first step in showing yourself some love and kindness. This man is not for you, don't torture yourself with holding on. I say this as someone who has been there and done that, and it is with the benefit of having done it that I can say I was being unkind to myself and only prolonging the upset. What I should have done was delete and block and move on with my life.

Finding someone good and kind might not be a guarantee, but achieving inner happiness and peace is. Start there and see where it takes you.

Extrahotmocha · 30-01-2020 11:19am

SozBbz wrote: »

You should also block/unfollow this recent one night stand guy also. Keeping contact with him will do you no good.

Logically, I can completely see your point and even I know deep down these guys aren’t the nicest. But I don’t want to come across as “that girl” who confirms every stereotype when a man changes his mind and she flies off the handle. I kind of try to think of it as “well we are all entitled to change our minds, and I can’t force someone to feel something they don’t.” I know rightly that while this is true, the behaviour of these lads is not right. I know that a guy who sleeps with a girl probably knowing he doesn’t like her personality, doesn’t ask for her number, then waits it out until she messages first, is not a nice guy. I know a guy who love bombs, then runs is not a nice guy. But yeah, it’s pathetic and sad but I still want them to like me. Stupid, cos I’m probably nothing to any of them.

I’m very much struggling to unmatch him as I feel like it’s my only connection for him to reach out, which is unlikely. I just don’t want to feel like all I was good for was one night and at least if he wanted to again, I couldn’t have been that bad.

SozBbz · 30-01-2020 11:29am

Extrahotmocha wrote: »

Logically, I can completely see your point and even I know deep down these guys aren’t the nicest. But I don’t want to come across as “that girl” who confirms every stereotype when a man changes his mind and she flies off the handle. I kind of try to think of it as “well we are all entitled to change our minds, and I can’t force someone to feel something they don’t.” I know rightly that while this is true, the behaviour of these lads is not right. I know that a guy who sleeps with a girl probably knowing he doesn’t like her personality, doesn’t ask for her number, then waits it out until she messages first, is not a nice guy. I know a guy who love bombs, then runs is not a nice guy. But yeah, it’s pathetic and sad but I still want them to like me. Stupid, cos I’m probably nothing to any of them.

I’m very much struggling to unmatch him as I feel like it’s my only connection for him to reach out, which is unlikely. I just don’t want to feel like all I was good for was one night and at least if he wanted to again, I couldn’t have been that bad.

You really need to adjust your mindset. How is unfollowing/unmatching someone who has treated you with little to no respect anything other than showing some self respect?

I agree, there is little point in going ballistic, but quietly doing whats best for you is not conforming to any negative stereotype.

How about being "that girl" who knows her worth?

Idbatterim · 30-01-2020 11:59am

You say you need to lose more weight before you are perfect for someone else op! You’re a size ten ! That’s a great achievement all that weight loss. You are worth a lot more than your “ weight “! I’d honestly consider ditching the alcohol dates for first date ... might be daunting, but the chancer guys who only want sex , they might be more likely to just go fishing somewhere else. You say you are such a people pleaser, sounds like you are letting the huge amount of chancers out there , take advantage, then beating yourself up about it , reducing your confidence. It’s a vicious cycle ! Can you join any clubs nearby , that you have interests in and could meet men a bit more organically?

Dog day · 30-01-2020 12:13pm

Hi OP, I hope today is a good day for you so far.

For what it’s worth I’d advise you to take a complete break from dating for a while. From what you’ve said, there are deeper issues here with how you view yourself & until you have a happy & healthy self-perception it will be very difficult to engage in a stable relationship or indeed to even identify people that are good potential romantic partners for you.

Though life is about compromise you should never feel you have to change the basic foundation of your personality in order to be ‘right’ for someone else. That’s impractical & totally unsustainable.

Spend time with good friends & family, enjoy quality time alone (there’s huge value in this), get to know yourself better & focus on the things you like about yourself. Please also consider getting some good counselling for your body image issues.

Wishing you well.

Idle Passerby · 30-01-2020 12:32pm

Sorry to be blunt OP but how is making yourself look pathetic and needy going to impress anyone? Waiting for scraps from guys who've already rejected you doesn't come across in any way other than your willing to make a doormat of yourself. If that's how your inviting them to treat you, then of course the guys who are a bit douchey already are going to take you up on that offer. Decent genuine guys will be turned off by your obvious lack of self worth so it's a lose/lose for you. The only way to get better treatment from others is to learn your own worth and stop accepting bad treatment.

Segotias · 30-01-2020 4:25pm

OP, just wanted to say I can identify with a lot of what you are saying.

You put yourself out there and are rejected or good enough to be someones bit of fun but nothing more (not you personally but its how you can feel, I know I do) The last time I "put myself out there" was similar to your first experience extremely full on and cancelled a few hours before we were to meet up siting not wanting to be in a relationship. For him only to get into a relationship with someone who was the completely opposite of me...pretty, blonde, thin...definitely not me.

As a result of this I've completely withdrawn from trying to meet someone or even talk to anyone randomly. Good or bad its for my own preservation. You've mentioned men falling over your friends I have this too. Friends have told me that men can tell that I don't want to talk so they don't approach me, I'm thinking its more to do with my size compared to theirs. I do believe size is a factor in attraction and being bigger doesn't help. Though well done on your weight loss, I see someone mentioned you're a size 10...your size is definitely not a factor.

Whats struck me the most is the impact its had on you...binging, then starving yourself. You seem to be punishing yourself for someone else being a d**k. I think you need to come off the sites and sort your head. Go see the counsellor or whoever you've booked.

When you are in a better head space then go back into the game if thats what you decide what you want. You seem to be clinging on to these people for whatever reason when you deserve better.

I'm currently trying to like myself a lot more than I do now and thats my priority, when I'm happy with myself then someone rejection won't matter and will be their loss

Scarinae · 30-01-2020 9:37pm

OP I just want to give you a hug, you remind me so much of myself when I was in my teens and 20s. I have also struggled for a long time with poor self-image and disordered eating, and I used to care a lot more about what other people thought of me. I don’t think that you’re pathetic or grovelling for sympathy, I think you’re genuinely in turmoil and some parts were hard for me to read as I identified so strongly with how you are feeling.

I think one of the most valuable things you can do in terms of dating is to stop thinking about whether or not they like you, and think about whether or not YOU like THEM. From reading your posts, it feels as if you think you need to be somehow grateful for someone showing any interest in you, and you ignore warning signs as a result.

With the first guy, you had a niggling feeling that something wasn’t right and that he was being too intense, but you ignored it because you enjoyed the flattery. With the second guy, nothing seemed to be off until your actual date, but you felt like you ‘owed him’ sex because you had flirted with him when you were messaging and you didn’t want him to be disappointed. Even when both of these guys had upset you, you still felt like you had to tell them it was all ok and not to worry; you didn’t want them to think badly of you or to think you’re being childish. It seems like it is more important for you to be liked by other people than for you to be happy.

I feel like a lot of this is tied to the way you view yourself and your body. You’re taking any rejection very hard and telling yourself it’s your fault because of your tummy or legs, that you’re not physically or mentally attractive, that you’re ‘disgusting’, that you have nothing to offer in a relationship. A size 10 is not fat by the way, but even if you were bigger that doesn’t mean that you have to put up with unreasonable crap from guys. It is not as if nobody over a size 10 has ever had a happy relationship.

There is nothing wrong with having boundaries and standing up for yourself! If there is something in someone’s initial messages that is putting you off, you don’t need to continue the conversation or go on a date with them. If someone’s behaviour on a first date bothers you, you don’t have to kiss them, have sex with them or see them again if you don’t want to. If someone’s behaviour in a relationship is full of red flags you can break up with them. You deserve better.

Honeydew3456 · 01-02-2020 11:34pm

Urgh so frustrating reading this! Op you are obv a lovely person with lots to offer the world (not just men)

I get that you have low self esteem issues, but for the love of god get off the apps and delete/block these p*ssies.

Do you not understand the very essence of what being a woman is? Own it. Own your emotional strenght. Own your qualities, your femininity, your vulnerabilities, accept them as the very core of you and stop looking for validation outside yourself and especially from anyone that does not appreciate them.

If you want to have a ONS have it and leave it at that. Enjoy it. Why the misery after?!

achmairt · 04-02-2020 12:03am

He told you a load of lies, he let YOU drive two hours to meet him and then let you PAY!!! What a lowlife!!! Why are you blaming yourself ?? Of course he love bombed you just to get you in the sack. The minute you did all the running to meet him, paying for meal etc, he was turned off because he didn't get to CHASE you. You made it too easy for him. Anyway he's of those who has an elevated sense of himself. He thinks he's God's gift. I would advise you never to meet people off the internet as you won't get the full picture of who they are. Take an interest in other activities where you can actually meet the person and suss them out by watching their body language and what type of friends they hang around with. Play hard to get - they love the chase. Men are like dogs - if you have them on a lead they try and get away but when you take the lead off they will follow you !!! Show confidence and have pride in yourself - I promise you it works.

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