What’s wrong

Extrahotmocha

Hi all,

Just looking for some advice on the best way to go forward dating. Before I start, please be gentle with me, I’m having some post date regrets.

So I’ve been on Bumble for about 6 months. In that time, I’ve been ghosted and dumped more times than I care to remember. I’m beginning to think there is a bigger problem with me.

I always seem to attract guys who go in hard and fast at the start, overwhelm with affection then decide they aren’t interested.

Case in point last weeks date. I messaged this guy and right away he gave me his number. He messaged A LOT at the start - constant WhatsApps and Snaps, so much so I viewed it as a red flag and pulled back because of previous experiences etc. Anyway, this guy was relentless, and he wore me down. Calling me beautiful/sweetheart, texting first thing, messaging all day everyday. Long phone calls ensued, after communicating all day on various platforms. I began to really like him, but still was aware of some warning signs. So one night I ask him straight out if he’s “lovebombing” me. He assured me he wasn’t, and reiterated again how much he liked me etc. I’ll be honest, the attention felt lovely and I think I let that cloud my judgement. We end up video calling etc, and he seems genuinely into me. He even starts planning second and third dates.

Anyway I end up driving two hours to meet this guy. I got the feeling he was a bit off the night before, but I just put that down to me reading too much into it. I even gave him an explicit out and he insisted he wanted to meet. On the date, helet me pay for dinner and then suddenly says he is tired and has work in the morning. No kiss goodbye and I texted after to see what the story he was. He told me while I was amazing, he was only looking for a hook up.

I just feel that there has to be a problem with me, either physically or mentally. I’m doing something that means no one wants to be with me. Genuinely afraid I will never be that special person to someone, and it’s really affecting my mood. I’m an independent person with lots of hobbies, and great friends. I just don’t view myself positively anymore. So questions - are guys put off by a lack of confidence sometimes? I can also be a bit chatty and lack a brain to mouth filter. My looks also worry me but I can’t field opinions on them 😂

All advice appreciated guys!

The problem probably isn't with you.. Wanting a relationship is fairly reasonable like.. The whole dating scene is just depressing as f*ck at the minute.. You were right to be wary of he was lovebombing you..I'd say just keep at it and it will work out, but I don't know if I believe that anymore..on the plus side, if people are contacting you the right one might turn up at some point..Good luck anyway..I hope you find someone..

Extrahotmocha

[Deleted User] wrote: »

The problem probably isn't with you.. Wanting a relationship is fairly reasonable like.. The whole dating scene is just depressing as f*ck at the minute.. You were right to be wary of he was lovebombing you..I'd say just keep at it and it will work out, but I don't know if I believe that anymore..on the plus side, if people are contacting you the right one might turn up at some point..Good luck anyway..I hope you find someone..

Thanks for this, totally agree about the current dating scene. It’s just I do see people find others, and really the only thing I can see different is me. I also compromised myself in ways I usually wouldn’t before meeting this guy so feeling particularly stupid right now.

Jurgen Klopp

It's just luck especially with OLD.

The guy even said straight out he wanted a hook up. It's not your fault.

Im afraid it's just the way OLD can be so don't be hard on yourself.

Of course you'll get down eventually I have got burnout as I'm in your shoes too just wanting a relationship but it's plenty of dates and nothing comes from either side or ones you get on with and arrange a date thinking hmmm this one is really interesting only for them to back out of meeting last minute etc

Maybe a little break from it? Or maybe don't chat for more than a few days before arranging a date? I've found that helps weed a lot of the Messer's out anyways as ones that are on the same page as me don't mind it

Yeah, ah I suppose you probably shouldn't compromise yourself at all really,..as a lady you're probably dealing with a lot of chancers too, which can't help..I must actually give bumble a go..my issue is I feel weird messaging random women..not sure about what level of formality to use..

Yeah, it probably works for some people.. although I see pictures of beautiful women on POF that are there ages.. they're either picky, or there's something off with the medium..best of luck with it anyway..

Extrahotmocha

Jurgen Klopp wrote: »

It's just luck especially with OLD.

The guy even said straight out he wanted a hook up. It's not your fault.

Im afraid it's just the way OLD can be so don't be hard on yourself.

Of course you'll get down eventually I have got burnout as I'm in your shoes too just wanting a relationship but it's plenty of dates and nothing comes from either side or ones you get on with and arrange a date thinking hmmm this one is really interesting only for them to back out of meeting last minute etc

Maybe a little break from it? Or maybe don't chat for more than a few days before arranging a date? I've found that helps weed a lot of the Messer's out anyways as ones that are on the same page as me don't mind it

Thanks so much. I’m definitely taking a break, I can relate to your feelings of burnout. I would usually arrange dates quickly etc, but this guy was literally ringing me every night to chat for hours. I think I was overwhelmed and a bit too flattered.

My issue now is, I feel like I’m ignoring warning signs because I might want to feel valued. This lad straight up lied when I asked him what he was after at the start, went out of his way to make me feel special and even told me he wasn’t messaging anyone else. It just felt like a complete 180 and now all I can think is there is something fundamentally wrong with me. My confidence is completely shot to hell.

Jurgen Klopp

Extrahotmocha wrote: »

Thanks so much. I’m definitely taking a break, I can relate to your feelings of burnout. I would usually arrange dates quickly etc, but this guy was literally ringing me every night to chat for hours. I think I was overwhelmed and a bit too flattered.

My issue now is, I feel like I’m ignoring warning signs because I might want to feel valued. This lad straight up lied when I asked him what he was after at the start, went out of his way to make me feel special and even told me he wasn’t messaging anyone else. It just felt like a complete 180 and now all I can think is there is something fundamentally wrong with me. My confidence is completely shot to hell.

Give it a few days, you'll realize that yes you did ignore warning signs but there's nothing wrong with you. You just got your hopes up. It happens.

I found for myself I used ignore a lot too in the hopes of it. Like say flaky etc

So I said to myself right, do I really want someone so bad I'm willing to constantly get myself head wrecked and down? The answer is no.

While I'm still searching if I encounter any obvious BS then I just cut them loose.

I just repeat to myself better off going long periods between decent dates, even if nothing comes of it due to click etc than regularly going on bad dates or be constantly messaging ones it's obvious aren't into it.

You'll get the odd one that sneaks through and seems sound and ghosts but Ive come to the realization that I wouldn't do that to someone so anyone that acts like that wasn't for me anyways.

How old are you if you don't mind me asking? I'm only 30 and only come to this mind set now. It was harder do it while in my 20s

Thelonious Monk

Don't take it too seriously. If you have doubts about someone at the start you should probably let it go. I had nothing but good experiences from these dating things, met the odd strange wan, but it was all harmless. I don't get why so many people say it's a cruel world and cut throat in dating. I think you all need to chill.
It probably boils down to thinking you need a partner and it's the be all and end all of life. As soon as I realised IDGAF about that kind of thing and that I'm happy enough doing my own thing, dating was just a pastime and a way of meeting nice people for a night out or two. Put yourself in the driving seat.

Extrahotmocha

Jurgen Klopp wrote: »

Give it a few days, you'll realize that yes you did ignore warning signs but there's nothing wrong with you. You just got your hopes up. It happens.

I found for myself I used ignore a lot too in the hopes of it. Like say flaky etc

So I said to myself right, do I really want someone so bad I'm willing to constantly get myself head wrecked and down? The answer is no.

While I'm still searching if I encounter any obvious BS then I just cut them loose.

I just repeat to myself better off going long periods between decent dates, even if nothing comes of it due to click etc than regularly going on bad dates or be constantly messaging ones it's obvious aren't into it.

You'll get the odd one that sneaks through and seems sound and ghosts but Ive come to the realization that I wouldn't do that to someone so anyone that acts like that wasn't for me anyways.

How old are you if you don't mind me asking? I'm only 30 and only come to this mind set now. It was harder do it while in my 20s

I’m 30 (I know - I should be older and wiser!). I’d love your confidence when it comes to dealing with people. Even after this guy texted saying I’d completely understand if you never want to speak to me again, I was nice to him and told him not to worry. I think this has probably been one of my worst experiences though in that I thought I’d done everything right, made darn sure what his intentions were etc and I was made a right fool of. He really made me feel special, went out of his way to do so, dragged me down the country etc. And I know people might not feel it on meeting etc, but we had talked for ages and he knew what I looked like. I suppose that’s what I’m really struggling with - why would someone do that to someone else? Very victim mentality here, because I really did see the signs and I’m a grown up at the end of the day.

I don’t consider myself gullible either, but I really fell for it. Live and learn.

I suppose another thing is I’ve lost a good bit of weight recently, now a size 10 down from a 16/18 but I still feel like I’ve the confidence of the latter. I also feel like I’m not that pretty or interesting, and I think that comes across in dates. I know it’s probably an unattractive trait, but I still clearly need boards confirmation of that fact.

Extrahotmocha

Thelonious Monk wrote: »

Don't take it too seriously. If you have doubts about someone at the start you should probably let it go. I had nothing but good experiences from these dating things, met the odd strange wan, but it was all harmless. I don't get why so many people say it's a cruel world and cut throat in dating. I think you all need to chill.
It probably boils down to thinking you need a partner and it's the be all and end all of life. As soon as I realised IDGAF about that kind of thing and that I'm happy enough doing my own thing, dating was just a pastime and a way of meeting nice people for a night out or two. Put yourself in the driving seat.

I really don’t think that way though - I’d like a partner, but I feel like it may never happen and that gets me down a bit. I’ve great friends, really fun hobbies, but my experience of dating as just been different and really affected my self esteem. I think I’ll probably take a break for a while until I’ve it all figured out

Just as a general rule of thumb, if someone is being superly overly nice or into you before they should be, I'd tend to be wary.. anyway.. you're 30.. You'll probably be grand..it will work out..

Extrahotmocha

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Just as a general rule of thumb, if someone is being superly overly nice or into you before they should be, I'd tend to be wary.. anyway.. you're 30.. You'll probably be grand..it will work out..

Oh trust me I know lol I even asked him outright beforehand cos it was a huge red flag to me. He just said he was into me, didn’t want to talk to anyone else etc. I think I’m in a place where I’m a bit vulnerable to that kind of attention though so I probably ignored things I shouldn’t have. It has just made me question a few things about myself really, mostly if he it was cos he didn’t find me physically or mentally attractive. And maybe he didn’t, but I hate that that happened in person cos I feel like it is history repeating itself. Then I just wonder if it’s a fundamental thing. Like I say, being with someone isn’t the be all and end all, but I’m feeling a bit lonely I suppose.

Hey.. look, you can't really blame yourself in this situation.. like, he was probably just looking for the one night, and was willing to say whatever to get it.. like, online dating is bad enough without having to deal with that sort of craic..(I can't even leave a profile up for more than a day or two..the whole thing just seems kinda wrong..).. like, loneliness, yeah, it can suck.. and just the thought that it might not happen for you, but like, it might.. you never know..tbh, I miss the old school "will you shift my friend" system..

JeffKenna

Extrahotmocha wrote: »

Hi all,

Just looking for some advice on the best way to go forward dating. Before I start, please be gentle with me, I’m having some post date regrets.

So I’ve been on Bumble for about 6 months. In that time, I’ve been ghosted and dumped more times than I care to remember. I’m beginning to think there is a bigger problem with me.

I always seem to attract guys who go in hard and fast at the start, overwhelm with affection then decide they aren’t interested.

Case in point last weeks date. I messaged this guy and right away he gave me his number. He messaged A LOT at the start - constant WhatsApps and Snaps, so much so I viewed it as a red flag and pulled back because of previous experiences etc. Anyway, this guy was relentless, and he wore me down. Calling me beautiful/sweetheart, texting first thing, messaging all day everyday. Long phone calls ensued, after communicating all day on various platforms. I began to really like him, but still was aware of some warning signs. So one night I ask him straight out if he’s “lovebombing” me. He assured me he wasn’t, and reiterated again how much he liked me etc. I’ll be honest, the attention felt lovely and I think I let that cloud my judgement. We end up video calling etc, and he seems genuinely into me. He even starts planning second and third dates.

Anyway I end up driving two hours to meet this guy. I got the feeling he was a bit off the night before, but I just put that down to me reading too much into it. I even gave him an explicit out and he insisted he wanted to meet. On the date, helet me pay for dinner and then suddenly says he is tired and has work in the morning. No kiss goodbye and I texted after to see what the story he was. He told me while I was amazing, he was only looking for a hook up.

I just feel that there has to be a problem with me, either physically or mentally. I’m doing something that means no one wants to be with me. Genuinely afraid I will never be that special person to someone, and it’s really affecting my mood. I’m an independent person with lots of hobbies, and great friends. I just don’t view myself positively anymore. So questions - are guys put off by a lack of confidence sometimes? I can also be a bit chatty and lack a brain to mouth filter. My looks also worry me but I can’t field opinions on them ��

All advice appreciated guys!

Hi OP, online dating can be tough so you need to detach yourself a bit from it. In reality you never know how many people the other person is dating so it's best to keep your options open until something official is decided. If you strip your post back and look at the bare facts you met this guy once in person and he obviously didn't feel any connection/chemistry with you. I don't see anything wrong with that. Sure its a blow to your confidence but looking at it logically, how many people in life do you meet on a daily basis that you do have a connection with?

I think the big problem is the amount of time you've invested before meeting the person. It's not great to be communicating all day from the moment you get up and getting so invested in them. Put the phone away for a few hours and focus on something else whether that's your job or hobby.

In future try and cut back on the predate contact, arrange to meet somewhere convenient to you both (aka halfway!) and keep the date to a low key coffee or drink. If you get on in person brilliant, if not then nothing much lost.

Best of luck!

Idle Passerby

I think you already knew where this was headed, your alarm bells were ringing and you ignored them. I know you want to give people the benefit of the doubt but your better waiting til you think a person is genuine before driving 2 hours to see them.

Did you really expect to get an honest answer when you asked of he was lovebombing? That's like asking a pickpocket if they are trying to take your wallet, they aren't going to say "you got me! I sure was." If a guy seems that keen early on let him do the chasing, you'll soon see if it's all talk.

A more robust set of personal red lines will serve you well when dating. Good luck!

Extrahotmocha

JeffKenna wrote: »

Hi OP, online dating can be tough so you need to detach yourself a bit from it. In reality you never know how many people the other person is dating so it's best to keep your options open until something official is decided. If you strip your post back and look at the bare facts you met this guy once in person and he obviously didn't feel any connection/chemistry with you. I don't see anything wrong with that. Sure its a blow to your confidence but looking at it logically, how many people in life do you meet on a daily basis that you do have a connection with?

I think the big problem is the amount of time you've invested before meeting the person. It's not great to be communicating all day from the moment you get up and getting so invested in them. Put the phone away for a few hours and focus on something else whether that's your job or hobby.

In future try and cut back on the predate contact, arrange to meet somewhere convenient to you both (aka halfway!) and keep the date to a low key coffee or drink. If you get on in person brilliant, if not then nothing much lost.

Best of luck!

Thanks so much. I have a good bit of experience online dating, but honestly this was super different to anything I’ve experienced before. I went into with a very detached attitude cos at this point I was a little jaded by the whole thing. But this guy came at me hard. I’ve very strict rules about how much contact I give someone (I’m busy and have a job that keeps me away from my phone as a general rule) but he said he needed that contact and it was very important to him. I indulged that and got sucked in. If I didn’t message back I got another message on another platform etc. Always big statements, always massive compliments.

I also would typically keep dates low key, have been for many a drink or coffee. Honestly this was so out of character. I would never usually engage this way. I felt like he’d changed his mind before he even met me though and suppose am frustrated cos I gave him an opportunity to cancel and he didn’t.

I don’t want to keep going on about him though, I suppose I’m just wondering some stuff about myself and needed to voice it out loud. I’m also aware I’m coming across as very moany on here - I swear I’m not lol

He could have been "the game"-ing you too though..

Extrahotmocha

[Deleted User] wrote: »

He could have been "the game"-ing you too though..

Oh gosh, another dating term - what’s that when it’s at home?

A book,. started the whole pua thing.. just playing head games with women to ride them really..

Keeping up contact would be a tactic..and keeping it intense etc..

Extrahotmocha

Idle Passerby wrote: »

I think you already knew where this was headed, your alarm bells were ringing and you ignored them. I know you want to give people the benefit of the doubt but your better waiting til you think a person is genuine before driving 2 hours to see them.

Did you really expect to get an honest answer when you asked of he was lovebombing? That's like asking a pickpocket if they are trying to take your wallet, they aren't going to say "you got me! I sure was." If a guy seems that keen early on let him do the chasing, you'll soon see if it's all talk.

A more robust set of personal red lines will serve you well when dating. Good luck!

Thanks so much! This actually made me laugh cos it’s exactly what has been in my head - did you really expect an honest answer? I will definitely listen to my gut in future, but I’m just hoping that this isn’t an issue with me as a person.

At least I still have my cat who will feast on me when I inevitability die alone :P

Extrahotmocha

[Deleted User] wrote: »

A book,. started the whole pua thing.. just playing head games with women to ride them really..

Keeping up contact would be a tactic..and keeping it intense etc..

Learn something new everyday! Do you know what though, I even said to him if that was what he was after he could just be honest and we could talk. I dunno, my heads in a muddle.

Lily_Aldrin7

What a piece of garbage! I can’t believe you didn’t tell him that! Who spends so much time on the phone just for a hookup, not to mention you drove all the way there... Don’t let this destroy your confidence completely! I would tell you to act more confident because that is generally more attractive but you are who you are and what you need is for someone to like you for who you really are. Maybe work on yourself before you jump into dating? You achieved so much, lost all that weight- try to focus on all the positives you have and be good to yourself xx

JeffKenna

Extrahotmocha wrote: »

Thanks so much. I have a good bit of experience online dating, but honestly this was super different to anything I’ve experienced before. I went into with a very detached attitude cos at this point I was a little jaded by the whole thing. But this guy came at me hard. I’ve very strict rules about how much contact I give someone (I’m busy and have a job that keeps me away from my phone as a general rule) but he said he needed that contact and it was very important to him. I indulged that and got sucked in. If I didn’t message back I got another message on another platform etc. Always big statements, always massive compliments.

I also would typically keep dates low key, have been for many a drink or coffee. Honestly this was so out of character. I would never usually engage this way. I felt like he’d changed his mind before he even met me though and suppose am frustrated cos I gave him an opportunity to cancel and he didn’t.

I don’t want to keep going on about him though, I suppose I’m just wondering some stuff about myself and needed to voice it out loud. I’m also aware I’m coming across as very moany on here - I swear I’m not lol

For what its worth you come across lovely and I've no doubt you'll meet the right person when the time come.

Extrahotmocha

Lily_Aldrin7 wrote: »

What a piece of garbage! I can’t believe you didn’t tell him that! Who spends so much time on the phone just for a hookup, not to mention you drove all the way there... Don’t let this destroy your confidence completely! I would tell you to act more confident because that is generally more attractive but you are who you are and what you need is for someone to like you for who you really are. Maybe work on yourself before you jump into dating? You achieved so much, lost all that weight- try to focus on all the positives you have and be good to yourself xx

Awk god, thanks so much for this. You’re very kind! It was a super long time to spend chatting, hence my confusion. I’m not talking hour long calls here, we were into 5 hour territory most nights. Even reading that seems mad. You can imagine the state of my flat - I was getting no work done lol I can only imagine it was something physical that put him off, I still have a bit of work to do on my tummy and legs etc. I think my friends were a bit shook he let me pay for dinner if he had zero intention dating again, but again I’m an adult and offered to pay.

I would love to be more confident but at this point I’m not sure it will happen. I still look in the mirror and feel uncomfortable most days, but at least I’m happy that I’ve a good job, great friends and a few good hobbies. I would just like to meet someone and it feels like I’ve that hole in my life at the moment.

Seriously thanks so much for being so kind, dating apps deleted for now.

Extrahotmocha

JeffKenna wrote: »

For what its worth you come across lovely and I've no doubt you'll meet the right person when the time come.

Thank you I hear ya in your other posts though, I won’t be swayed by romance from here on in. But I also won’t be too hard on the guys either - can’t hold it against someone if they aren’t feeling it. Just wishing I didn’t hold it against myself so much too

J Mysterio

JeffKenna wrote: »

Hi OP, online dating can be tough so you need to detach yourself a bit from it. In reality you never know how many people the other person is dating so it's best to keep your options open until something official is decided. If you strip your post back and look at the bare facts you met this guy once in person and he obviously didn't feel any connection/chemistry with you. I don't see anything wrong with that. Sure its a blow to your confidence but looking at it logically, how many people in life do you meet on a daily basis that you do have a connection with?

I think the big problem is the amount of time you've invested before meeting the person. It's not great to be communicating all day from the moment you get up and getting so invested in them. Put the phone away for a few hours and focus on something else whether that's your job or hobby.

In future try and cut back on the predate contact, arrange to meet somewhere convenient to you both (aka halfway!) and keep the date to a low key coffee or drink. If you get on in person brilliant, if not then nothing much lost.

Best of luck!

This is good advice. I find pre date contact to be a pain myself. You simply won't know if you have any chemistry untill you meet.

Personally, if there is a 'match' online, I'd rather just meet and see how it goes rather than have to send messages back and forth for a few weeks. Seems most women want to 'build a relationship' before meeting though.

bitofabind

Extrahotmocha wrote: »

But this guy came at me hard. I’ve very strict rules about how much contact I give someone (I’m busy and have a job that keeps me away from my phone as a general rule) but he said he needed that contact and it was very important to him. I indulged that and got sucked in. If I didn’t message back I got another message on another platform etc. Always big statements, always massive compliments.

Stop indulging these men's needs and start addressing your own. You crossed your own personal boundaries with this guy that was waving more red flags than a Soviet parade and learned a very valuable lesson - DON'T DO THAT. Protect those boundaries. The results will be exactly as you expect them to be. Put your hand on the hot stove and you get burnt. Respond to love bombing and you get the disappearing act. This is about as predictable as it gets.

Some guy you've known less than five minutes that starts bombarding you on multiple platforms is a bloody idiot that deserves absolutely none of your time. Don't let someone add you on Snapchat, Instagram, whatever until you've met them and established you're on the same page. That requires spelling out exactly what is it you're looking for and seeing how they respond to that and clearly asserting your own boundaries.

Don't give them your number or talk on the phone / via whatsapp until you've established they're not after something different than you. I'd not even consider that first meeting a "date" - it's more of a "who is this person and do we have anything in common?" encounter, after which you'll have enough information to go on a date or not. Until that point, keep comms on the apps and don't respond to needy men that want to talk to you all day every day. Who has time for that anyway? Not someone who values themselves and is looking for someone with a bit of integrity.

My advice would be to pull out a pen and paper and write two lists. First list - what is it you want. E.G a loving long-lasting relationship. With an honest, loyal man. And the second list is your Red Flags list. Behaviour you will not tolerate. Use this moron as Exhibit A for that one. Plenty of data with this one! You can then use these lists as your guides when you start talking to other guys and create the boundaries that you need to make app dating tolerable and to find what it is you want.

Extrahotmocha

bitofabind wrote: »

Stop indulging these men's needs and start addressing your own. You crossed your own personal boundaries with this guy that was waving more red flags than a Soviet parade and learned a very valuable lesson - DON'T DO THAT. Protect those boundaries. The results will be exactly as you expect them to be. Put your hand on the hot stove and you get burnt. Respond to love bombing and you get the disappearing act. This is about as predictable as it gets.

Some guy you've known less than five minutes that starts bombarding you on multiple platforms is a bloody idiot that deserves absolutely none of your time. Don't let someone add you on Snapchat, Instagram, whatever until you've met them and established you're on the same page. That requires spelling out exactly what is it you're looking for and seeing how they respond to that and clearly asserting your own boundaries.

Don't give them your number or talk on the phone / via whatsapp until you've established they're not after something different than you. I'd not even consider that first meeting a "date" - it's more of a "who is this person and do we have anything in common?" encounter, after which you'll have enough information to go on a date or not. Until that point, keep comms on the apps and don't respond to needy men that want to talk to you all day every day. Who has time for that anyway? Not someone who values themselves and is looking for someone with a bit of integrity.

My advice would be to pull out a pen and paper and write two lists. First list - what is it you want. E.G a loving long-lasting relationship. With an honest, loyal man. And the second list is your Red Flags list. Behaviour you will not tolerate. Use this moron as Exhibit A for that one. Plenty of data with this one! You can then use these lists as your guides when you start talking to other guys and create the boundaries that you need to make app dating tolerable and to find what it is you want.

I’m a little worried if I write down what I want at the moment, it would be as simple as company. I think I’ve lowered my standards so much, that I’m worried I’ll accept any attention that comes my way and ignore all those Soviet Parades you mentioned (laughed lots at that by the way!) I love my friends, but I’d just like something was just “for me” if you get me? My red flags list is huge after this guy for sure lol Honestly, I delayed texting him for nearly two weeks at the start cos my radar was beeping so loudly. I don’t have confidence in much, but I’m usually quite a smart person so I don’t even know why I chose to ignore that. One big thing was that he called me sweetheart about two messages in, and I was like this boy is either in it for the ride, or I will be stalked and murdered by the end of the week.

I’m also a very private person on social media but for some reason added him on all platforms when he asked. He is literally the only person I’ve allowed that and I’m still not sure why. I don’t want to get too into it, but other photos were requested in the heat of the moment, but I’m glad to say I stuck to my guns on that one.

I genuinely don’t have time for it either, I felt under so much pressure to respond that I was a bit stressed. Even at work one night, I felt rushed back to get in on time for a call. Anyway, making it about him again and it’s my actions that are at fault. I’m definitely gonna take your advice on board about staying off social media and sticking to the apps if I decide to use them again.

Actually, could I just employ you to weed people out for me? :P seriously though, thanks for taking the time to respond, I hear a lot of sense in what you’re saying.

Calypso Realm

Completely agree with Bitaofabind the above.

I'd just like to add this guy sounds to me like someone who's newly out of a relationship, or misses being in one, something he was trying to 'recapture' with someone new. I could be wrong but I reckon that was what all that lovebombing and endless communication was all about. Maybe, for example you reminded him of an ex? A sort of instant relationship, that is until you two met up face-to-face and he realised what he had built up in his head did not match the reality of the situation. Do you know anything about his prior relationships?

And OP never drive two miles to meet someone. Let them come to you. Ditto with paying for that meal.

bitofabind

Extrahotmocha wrote: »

I’m a little worried if I write down what I want at the moment, it would be as simple as company. I think I’ve lowered my standards so much, that I’m worried I’ll accept any attention that comes my way and ignore all those Soviet Parades you mentioned

Well then this is something you can actively work on to make sure your confidence is in the right place so that you're not letting just anyone walk into your life. If the threshold is this low, you're always going to be vulnerable to plebs like Mr. Lovebomb and dating will always be painful and frustrating. This kind of behaviour is prolific online and you need a strong line of defence if you're going to put yourself out there. You wouldn't accept just anyone for friendship in your life, so why lower the bar when it comes to the most important relationship you'll probably ever have?

You come across as a very warm, funny and thoughtful person, so try to not internalise and make this all about YOUR faults. Because it's not. You can act like the most dignified, confident, self-assured person ever and you'd still have to manoeuvre your way around the ghosting and lying and love-bombing and all that shyte - anyone that's spent any time on a dating app will be familiar with it. You could just do with tightening up your boundaries and strengthening your confidence so that you're prioritising what YOU want and not letting lads away with bs because you think it's all you deserve.

Goodigal

OP you sound like such a lovely person. And congrats on the weight loss. I'm on bumble too and find it very difficult to get chatting with men in my age bracket. Never mind go as far as arrange a date!! But you now know to give less away and know your boundaries. And yes a certain level of messaging is fun and makes you feel good but I can't get it out of my head that they're probably messaging a handful of other women too at the same time. I miss the old days of catching someone's eye across a bar... Best of luck with your confidence and finding someone who appreciates the lovely person you are.

Extrahotmocha

Calypso Realm wrote: »

Completely agree with Bitaofabind the above.

I'd just like to add this guy sounds to me like someone who's newly out of a relationship, or misses being in one, something he was trying to 'recapture' with someone new. I could be wrong but I reckon that was what all that lovebombing and endless communication was all about. Maybe, for example you reminded him of an ex? A sort of instant relationship, that is until you two met up face-to-face and he realised what he had built up in his head did not match the reality of the situation. Do you know anything about his prior relationships?

And OP never drive two miles to meet someone. Let them come to you. Ditto with paying for that meal.

He talked a lot about his exes actually and seemed to have quite a few. There were signs of prolific dating, which I did ignore. Another thing that put me off - every time I went to message him on WhatsApp for the first time he was online all the time. I found that strange.

He got out of a relationship at the start of the year. What struck me was how negatively he talked about all his exes - all had wronged him in some way. I bite my tongue with stuff like that cos I always feel like there are two sides and would never badmouth an ex to a new partner myself. Say he even talks about meeting me, there’ll be his version and my version and the truth always meets in the middle I find. He might genuinely be having a hard time finding someone, I’m not sure.

Oh, lesson has been well and truly learned. Although I must confess I’m a divil for offering to pay. I’ll work on that

Narcisse..

Extrahotmocha

bitofabind wrote: »

Well then this is something you can actively work on to make sure your confidence is in the right place so that you're not letting just anyone walk into your life. If the threshold is this low, you're always going to be vulnerable to plebs like Mr. Lovebomb and dating will always be painful and frustrating. This kind of behaviour is prolific online and you need a strong line of defence if you're going to put yourself out there. You wouldn't accept just anyone for friendship in your life, so why lower the bar when it comes to the most important relationship you'll probably ever have?

You come across as a very warm, funny and thoughtful person, so try to not internalise and make this all about YOUR faults. Because it's not. You can act like the most dignified, confident, self-assured person ever and you'd still have to manoeuvre your way around the ghosting and lying and love-bombing and all that shyte - anyone that's spent any time on a dating app will be familiar with it. You could just do with tightening up your boundaries and strengthening your confidence so that you're prioritising what YOU want and not letting lads away with bs because you think it's all you deserve.

Thanks so much for this, I really didn’t expect this amount of advice and kindness from everyone on here. To be honest, I feel like I deserve to be told to grow the duck up and deal with it. I should know better!

Anyway, I don’t want to have a pity party, cos as I say I have a lot of great things too. I’m trying to work on my confidence, but a lot of the time I don’t know where to start. Sometimes the only confidence boost I get is from my interactions during online dating even though I should know well enough to take them with a pinch of salt. It’s just nice for someone else to think you’re pretty or smart or whatever. But when it goes wrong, I just put it back on myself and think they were fibbing so it’s a vicious cycle. I have a super poor body/face image too, but sometimes I wonder if that actually is a lack of confidence or just the truth that I’m not good looking enough for a partner.

I will reestablish my boundaries though - when I first started dating they were stricter. Now I feel like I could be talked into a lot, which is hard to admit.

Thank you again

Extrahotmocha

Goodigal wrote: »

OP you sound like such a lovely person. And congrats on the weight loss. I'm on bumble too and find it very difficult to get chatting with men in my age bracket. Never mind go as far as arrange a date!! But you now know to give less away and know your boundaries. And yes a certain level of messaging is fun and makes you feel good but I can't get it out of my head that they're probably messaging a handful of other women too at the same time. I miss the old days of catching someone's eye across a bar... Best of luck with your confidence and finding someone who appreciates the lovely person you are.

Thank you it was tough going but I managed to lose 4 stone in the end! I feel much healthier now.

I can totally relate to everything you just said, we could start some sort of Bumble club lol But like you say, even when I’m messaging and enjoying the conversation, it’s always there niggling away. That’s why I was so happy when he said he hadn’t used it while talking to me. Couldn’t verify that though cos he weirdly unmatched me too. I completely miss people approaching, it never happens any more!

I would say that someone who comes on obsessively like that at the start is never going to be a normal decent guy.

Start from that principle and you won't go far wrong.

Extrahotmocha

Just to update - he unfollowed me on all social media recently. Kind of annoyed because I kept on following him and throwing him the odd like as I didn’t want to seem childish - social media is the divils work.

Anyway, done and dusted. Thank you all for your advice and kindness on this thread! Still off the apps and having a lovely Christmas wishing you all a good one x

JeffKenna

Extrahotmocha wrote: »

Just to update - he unfollowed me on all social media recently. Kind of annoyed because I kept on following him and throwing him the odd like as I didn’t want to seem childish - social media is the divils work.

Anyway, done and dusted. Thank you all for your advice and kindness on this thread! Still off the apps and having a lovely Christmas wishing you all a good one x

You know what - screw him.
Just from my own perspective I was online dating for a few years and it genuinely got to the stage where I believed I'd ever meet "the one". It does happen trust me. I think when you meet the person you'll know. You seem lovely and funny from your comments so the best thing to do is kick back and have a few drinks tonight. He'll find you when the time is right for both of you.

bitofabind

You sound like an absolute sweetheart OP. And he sounds like a serial dating eejit.

Hold out for someone that values your loveliness. And let 2020 be the year that you begin to value it yourself. Self respect and self compassion are the first stop in finding happiness. When you find the right person it’s easy and peaceful and all makes sense, and not living on a cliff edge waiting to be ghosted. You deserve and will find that, in the mean time have a happy Christmas and do something nice for yourself x

Extrahotmocha

Ok guys, I’m so sorry but I completely messed up again. You all gave me such wonderful advice, and I still managed to stuff it up.

When I was feeling confident again, I re-joined. Had a few dates that went nowhere but that was ok. I coped really well so thought I was in a good space.

Met another guy recently and we hit it off. Again, he was so nice and kind. Interesting, complimentary etc. Met up with him in person, I made the terrible mistake of sleeping with him on the first date. I then got a message to my account (he basically did all he could to avoid texting me/giving his number) saying that he wasn’t interested in emotionally, but physically if I wanted to meet again.

I was so mad at myself that I ended up binge eating to the point I made myself ill. I recognise this to be a bit of a problem now, and am really beginning to wonder the toll this is taking on my mental health. I starved myself for three days after to “make up for it”. This is going beyond the scope of this forum, I know, but I think I just needed to write it out.

I can’t blame anyone else for this, it was just a stupid mistake and AGAIN I got caught up in what I perceived to be someone who was genuinely interested. I can’t even blame him because it’s my stupidity that caused it. I’m just feeling so disgusting right now cos I’ve never done anything like this before.

I just wanted to say, your support before meant so much, and I completely recognise this to be a problem in me and my ability to cope with rejection. My coping mechanisms are very unhealthy, and for now I don’t think I’ve anything to offer anyone in a relationship.

I feel very damaged, and that I’ll never be able to attract someone this way. I honestly try my best to be kind and thoughtful, no drama, but I still don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I texted this boy back telling him not to worry, and to text me if he ever felt like it. The fact I even sent this makes me mad, cos he didn’t deserve a response. If it were my friend I’d have told her to not bother, but I was so afraid of him thinking badly of me, I replied.

I thought of myself as a happy, independent person and have loads of wonderful people in my life but I’m placing far too much emphasis on romantic rejection and it has really changed me.

Any and all input welcome, even if it’s harsh criticism. I definitely deserve it.

Jurgen Klopp

You sound like you are so caught up with meeting someone you get over invested too and then teh rejection is even worse.

What's worse with that is you could be meeting guys and totally letting red flags pass too just to have someone.

To be honest with binge eating and starving yourself over it I don't mean to be mean, but I'm afraid you really need to go see your GP and/or a counselor

Goodigal

Agree with the last poster. The binge eating would be more concerning than anything else. If you were sexually attracted to that date and had a fun time, that's ok. But to become overwrought with anxiety and be self destructive, because of feelings afterwards, I found it hard to read. You're a great person that just needs to love herself first. Please get professional help so life becomes easier. Mind yourself.

Extrahotmocha

Goodigal wrote: »

Agree with the last poster. The binge eating would be more concerning than anything else. If you were sexually attracted to that date and had a fun time, that's ok. But to become overwrought with anxiety and be self destructive, because of feelings afterwards, I found it hard to read. You're a great person that just needs to love herself first. Please get professional help so life becomes easier. Mind yourself.

Thank you - I’m so sorry if my post upset you, I wasn’t even thinking. I was just in a bad way when I wrote it, I think everything just came spilling out to strangers on the internet because I didn’t want to worry those close to me.

I am going to seek further help, I know it’s not right. It’s just difficult to admit and upsetting to think that I’ve developed this way of coping when I’m so aware of it and know how wrong it is.

I honestly was never like this before, I’m not sure how much more rejection I can handle. For me I base loving myself on what others think of me. Friends, family, co workers, dates. If people think I’m a fun, good person, I think of myself as a fun good person. I can’t separate the two.

Anyway, I’m chatting ****e again. Thank you for taking the time to respond

charlietheminxx

Extrahotmocha wrote: »

I can’t blame anyone else for this, it was just a stupid mistake and AGAIN I got caught up in what I perceived to be someone who was genuinely interested. I can’t even blame him because it’s my stupidity that caused it. I’m just feeling so disgusting right now cos I’ve never done anything like this before.

OP now come on, that just is not true. He misrepresented what he was looking for and some people are very good at that, it does not make you stupid in the slightest. Show me someone who has never been played or made to feel like a fool at some point and I'll show you liar.

I didn't see your thread when you originally posted but having read through, you seem lovely - smart and funny. There is nothing wrong with you but dreadfully low self esteem (which is usually a factor in disordered eating also).

Take a big deep breath. I think you need to work on your self esteem. Some counselling would probably be really good for you.

I know you want to meet someone but it sounds like the apps just aren't for you. Take a wee break from dating altogether and focus on yourself. Have you got good support from your friends at the moment?

Porklife

OP,

I followed your thread from before Christmas and much akin to everyone else, I think you come across as such a lovely warm person. Unfortunately, the modern dating world is a tough place to be and sweet people can get trampled upon in the stampede.

There is nothing wrong with sleeping with a guy on the first night. Many successful relationships have started out this way but as a general rule for myself, I try not to do this if I actually see potential with the guy. This is a personal inner compass and it's not because I see anything wrong with sleeping together on the first date, it's just that a guy who takes the time to get to know you better first probably has a higher likelihood of not exiting stage left the second the act is over!

That said, I have waited a couple of weeks with guys I've felt a spark with and a real connection only for them to bolt. I've also been seeing guys for up to 3 months who have suddenly ended it and I have most certainly hopped into bed after a few hours of meeting only for the guy be more into me than I am him!

My point there being that there are no hard and fast rules. Having sex the first night is most likely not the reason a guy doesn't want a relationship with you. I would hazard a guess it is more about how you present yourself and what you are willing to put up with. I think your desire for a loving companion is clouding your judgement and I know how frustrating it can be when you feel you have tried and tested every dating strategy.

I've been the cool girl who takes ages to text back and is soooooooooooo busy with friends and hobbies that I can barely fit him into my Paris Hilton lifestyle (it didn't work). I've been the over texter who fell into the role of love bomber matching him love bomb for bomb (it didn't work). I've come off the apps and made a concerted effort to meet people in real life (it didn't work). I've dressed as a rock chick and drank pints and been uber laid back (it didn't work) and I've been super girl with my teeny dress and high heels sipping on a chardonnay and yep, you've guessed it - it didn't work.

Finally, the approach I took that so far has been working, is that I decided to become happy in my skin and to accept the fact that I may be alone forever. This is the last thing I want btw, it's just something that I close to accept as a possibility. I am fit, healthy (for the most part bar drinking waayyyyyyy too much) and happy in my own skin. Like you OP, I punish myself and treat myself and often base my value on other people's perception of me but that really gets you nowhere. A phrase I heard a while ago that stuck with me is - What other people think of you is none of your business. In other words, who cares!

I use alcohol as my answer and saviour to everything. For you, it seems to be food. In that regard, I think you should speak first to a doctor to see if purging/starving has caused any internal damage but then to a counsellor who will be able to work on the issues which are causing you to behave in such a detrimental way.

I really hope you find what you are looking for OP. Your post struck a chord with me because you really do sound so lovely and deserving of happiness.

Yeah, you do come across as quite lovely OP.. it's just pretty grim out there these days..I really hope you find what you are looking for too..

SozBbz

Extrahotmocha wrote: »

Just to update - he unfollowed me on all social media recently. Kind of annoyed because I kept on following him and throwing him the odd like as I didn’t want to seem childish - social media is the divils work.

This really stood out to me.
You've been given lots of really good advice and deep down its obvious you know what to do, but it looks to me like you're a chronic people pleaser.

Even after all this gobsh1te had done, the validation of tonnes on online strangers that he was indeed a gobsh1te, you still felt the need to be nice to him, but maintaining a social media connection and liking his posts - honestly, why?

This lad was nothing to you. He showed his true colours and yet you still cared what he thought about you?

You need to learn to put yourself first and not care what others think, especially not what gobsh1tes like him think. So what if you unfollowed him, So what if he then thought you were childish? How would you even know?

Put yourself first and if someone who you hardly know doesnt treat you right, block them because its not good for you to stay in contact. Who cares what hey think? You're hardly missing out on beautiful friendships here.

You should also block/unfollow this recent one night stand guy also. Keeping contact with him will do you no good.

Extrahotmocha

charlietheminxx wrote: »

OP now come on, that just is not true. He misrepresented what he was looking for and some people are very good at that, it does not make you stupid in the slightest. Show me someone who has never been played or made to feel like a fool at some point and I'll show you liar.

I didn't see your thread when you originally posted but having read through, you seem lovely - smart and funny. There is nothing wrong with you but dreadfully low self esteem (which is usually a factor in disordered eating also).

Take a big deep breath. I think you need to work on your self esteem. Some counselling would probably be really good for you.

I know you want to meet someone but it sounds like the apps just aren't for you. Take a wee break from dating altogether and focus on yourself. Have you got good support from your friends at the moment?

I just feel a bit responsible, particularly because everyone here basically spelt out the red flags for me and I did it again. I’ll admit there definitely weren’t as many with this guy beforehand (no over doing it on the message front, no bombarding on social media, interested in me as a person), but there were loads on our “date”. Even when I wasn’t up for doing things sexually, he would still try and gently convince me, dressing it up as what I wanted until I had to firmly say no. If I’m honest with myself, I went through with sleeping with him the first time because I felt I owed him as I was quite flirty via the messages. I didn’t want him to be disappointed. I’m not saying I didn’t have fun and it wasn’t consensual, it was both, but it was still a decision made because I thought it would please him. I knew rightly I’d regret it regardless how he followed through.

I’ve booked in for counselling through my health insurer. My self-esteem is non existent, and I can even see how pathetic I sound in these posts. I swear I’m not grovelling for sympathy, this is all my own doing.

I have friends and family but I don’t want to worry them. They have a lot going on, and there is a history of eating disorders in other members of the family. I don’t want to add to that.

Thank you so much for being so kind to me. I’m shocked when that you all haven taken the time to give advice and be supportive. I was on the fence about the counsellor before this thread, but that everyone else thinks it is a problem probably means it is.

Can’t delete the app yet though, it’s my one link to him. Even if he is a prick, I have this weird hope he’ll reach out. It’s a validation thing which is so embarrassing.

Extrahotmocha

Porklife wrote: »

OP,

I followed your thread from before Christmas and much akin to everyone else, I think you come across as such a lovely warm person. Unfortunately, the modern dating world is a tough place to be and sweet people can get trampled upon in the stampede.

There is nothing wrong with sleeping with a guy on the first night. Many successful relationships have started out this way but as a general rule for myself, I try not to do this if I actually see potential with the guy. This is a personal inner compass and it's not because I see anything wrong with sleeping together on the first date, it's just that a guy who takes the time to get to know you better first probably has a higher likelihood of not exiting stage left the second the act is over!

That said, I have waited a couple of weeks with guys I've felt a spark with and a real connection only for them to bolt. I've also been seeing guys for up to 3 months who have suddenly ended it and I have most certainly hopped into bed after a few hours of meeting only for the guy be more into me than I am him!

My point there being that there are no hard and fast rules. Having sex the first night is most likely not the reason a guy doesn't want a relationship with you. I would hazard a guess it is more about how you present yourself and what you are willing to put up with. I think your desire for a loving companion is clouding your judgement and I know how frustrating it can be when you feel you have tried and tested every dating strategy.

I've been the cool girl who takes ages to text back and is soooooooooooo busy with friends and hobbies that I can barely fit him into my Paris Hilton lifestyle (it didn't work). I've been the over texter who fell into the role of love bomber matching him love bomb for bomb (it didn't work). I've come off the apps and made a concerted effort to meet people in real life (it didn't work). I've dressed as a rock chick and drank pints and been uber laid back (it didn't work) and I've been super girl with my teeny dress and high heels sipping on a chardonnay and yep, you've guessed it - it didn't work.

Finally, the approach I took that so far has been working, is that I decided to become happy in my skin and to accept the fact that I may be alone forever. This is the last thing I want btw, it's just something that I close to accept as a possibility. I am fit, healthy (for the most part bar drinking waayyyyyyy too much) and happy in my own skin. Like you OP, I punish myself and treat myself and often base my value on other people's perception of me but that really gets you nowhere. A phrase I heard a while ago that stuck with me is - What other people think of you is none of your business. In other words, who cares!

I use alcohol as my answer and saviour to everything. For you, it seems to be food. In that regard, I think you should speak first to a doctor to see if purging/starving has caused any internal damage but then to a counsellor who will be able to work on the issues which are causing you to behave in such a detrimental way.

I really hope you find what you are looking for OP. Your post struck a chord with me because you really do sound so lovely and deserving of happiness.

It’s so strange reading this, because this is literally my thought process right now. I’ve tried to be every version of myself, taken on every bit of advice to act a certain way and none of it works.

I have friends who have guys tripping over themselves for them, but even when I try to be detached and cool, it doesn’t matter. That’s why I feel like it’s inherent to me - my personality, my looks, me as a package.

But then I feel awful saying that, because you are clearly such a nice person, so why are you experiencing similar? Why do you think you’ll end up alone? It’s weird cos I say it about myself, but can’t stand anyone thinking similar. Bit hypocritical of me!

You sound like this cool person now who hangs out and does her own thing, and I’d love to be that again. I really did used to be that. I used to love my surfing, my horse riding, my reading in the local and now it all feels a bit faked. I don’t want to be by myself, I’m not happy doing those things alone anymore.

I used to drink when things went wrong when I was younger, but I just replaced one vice with another. Like you say, food is my both my punishment and saviour. I’ve lost so much weight, but I need to lose more before I’m perfect for someone else. But then I binge when things go wrong, and starve to make it right again. I couldn’t bear to look at food today, even though I was hungry, my tummy was turning.

Thank you so much for taking the time to post back, I can honestly say I relate to every word! X

Extrahotmocha

Extrahotmocha wrote: »

It’s so strange reading this, because this is literally my thought process right now. I’ve tried to be every version of myself, taken on every bit of advice to act a certain way and none of it works.

X

I think this is half the problem with a lot of people these days.. they're trying to construct personalities based on bloody YouTube charisma pop psychology..

I don't know what to say to you, and I kind of think online dating has ruined the mating rituals that have kept the species going..I'd like to say it will work out, but I don't know if I can say that anymore..

I think it's a case of energy flow.. you're kind of negatively polarized..get to a stage where you feel first neutral, then positive, and then turn that positive energy outwards, and maybe you might get what you want..
(This is an I'll thought out pseudo metaphysical nonsense, and not based on anything other than the bored musings of a lunatic..so, like, don't take it as fact..)

Good luck with it anyway..

sallyanne12

Extrahotmocha wrote: »

I've lost so much weight, but I need to lose more before I’m perfect for someone else. ! X

See OP this just sums up how your thinking is wrong. You don't need to lose weight to be perfect for someone else. What about all heavy women in relationships. Do you think none of them are in good relationships and loved? You put too much emphasis on looks...