What’s wrong

Extrahotmocha

Hi all,

Just looking for some advice on the best way to go forward dating. Before I start, please be gentle with me, I’m having some post date regrets.

So I’ve been on Bumble for about 6 months. In that time, I’ve been ghosted and dumped more times than I care to remember. I’m beginning to think there is a bigger problem with me.

I always seem to attract guys who go in hard and fast at the start, overwhelm with affection then decide they aren’t interested.

Case in point last weeks date. I messaged this guy and right away he gave me his number. He messaged A LOT at the start - constant WhatsApps and Snaps, so much so I viewed it as a red flag and pulled back because of previous experiences etc. Anyway, this guy was relentless, and he wore me down. Calling me beautiful/sweetheart, texting first thing, messaging all day everyday. Long phone calls ensued, after communicating all day on various platforms. I began to really like him, but still was aware of some warning signs. So one night I ask him straight out if he’s “lovebombing” me. He assured me he wasn’t, and reiterated again how much he liked me etc. I’ll be honest, the attention felt lovely and I think I let that cloud my judgement. We end up video calling etc, and he seems genuinely into me. He even starts planning second and third dates.

Anyway I end up driving two hours to meet this guy. I got the feeling he was a bit off the night before, but I just put that down to me reading too much into it. I even gave him an explicit out and he insisted he wanted to meet. On the date, helet me pay for dinner and then suddenly says he is tired and has work in the morning. No kiss goodbye and I texted after to see what the story he was. He told me while I was amazing, he was only looking for a hook up.

I just feel that there has to be a problem with me, either physically or mentally. I’m doing something that means no one wants to be with me. Genuinely afraid I will never be that special person to someone, and it’s really affecting my mood. I’m an independent person with lots of hobbies, and great friends. I just don’t view myself positively anymore. So questions - are guys put off by a lack of confidence sometimes? I can also be a bit chatty and lack a brain to mouth filter. My looks also worry me but I can’t field opinions on them 😂

All advice appreciated guys!

The problem probably isn't with you.. Wanting a relationship is fairly reasonable like.. The whole dating scene is just depressing as f*ck at the minute.. You were right to be wary of he was lovebombing you..I'd say just keep at it and it will work out, but I don't know if I believe that anymore..on the plus side, if people are contacting you the right one might turn up at some point..Good luck anyway..I hope you find someone..

Extrahotmocha

[Deleted User] wrote: »

The problem probably isn't with you.. Wanting a relationship is fairly reasonable like.. The whole dating scene is just depressing as f*ck at the minute.. You were right to be wary of he was lovebombing you..I'd say just keep at it and it will work out, but I don't know if I believe that anymore..on the plus side, if people are contacting you the right one might turn up at some point..Good luck anyway..I hope you find someone..

Thanks for this, totally agree about the current dating scene. It’s just I do see people find others, and really the only thing I can see different is me. I also compromised myself in ways I usually wouldn’t before meeting this guy so feeling particularly stupid right now.

Jurgen Klopp

It's just luck especially with OLD.

The guy even said straight out he wanted a hook up. It's not your fault.

Im afraid it's just the way OLD can be so don't be hard on yourself.

Of course you'll get down eventually I have got burnout as I'm in your shoes too just wanting a relationship but it's plenty of dates and nothing comes from either side or ones you get on with and arrange a date thinking hmmm this one is really interesting only for them to back out of meeting last minute etc

Maybe a little break from it? Or maybe don't chat for more than a few days before arranging a date? I've found that helps weed a lot of the Messer's out anyways as ones that are on the same page as me don't mind it

Yeah, ah I suppose you probably shouldn't compromise yourself at all really,..as a lady you're probably dealing with a lot of chancers too, which can't help..I must actually give bumble a go..my issue is I feel weird messaging random women..not sure about what level of formality to use..

Yeah, it probably works for some people.. although I see pictures of beautiful women on POF that are there ages.. they're either picky, or there's something off with the medium..best of luck with it anyway..

Extrahotmocha

Jurgen Klopp wrote: »

It's just luck especially with OLD.

The guy even said straight out he wanted a hook up. It's not your fault.

Im afraid it's just the way OLD can be so don't be hard on yourself.

Of course you'll get down eventually I have got burnout as I'm in your shoes too just wanting a relationship but it's plenty of dates and nothing comes from either side or ones you get on with and arrange a date thinking hmmm this one is really interesting only for them to back out of meeting last minute etc

Maybe a little break from it? Or maybe don't chat for more than a few days before arranging a date? I've found that helps weed a lot of the Messer's out anyways as ones that are on the same page as me don't mind it

Thanks so much. I’m definitely taking a break, I can relate to your feelings of burnout. I would usually arrange dates quickly etc, but this guy was literally ringing me every night to chat for hours. I think I was overwhelmed and a bit too flattered.

My issue now is, I feel like I’m ignoring warning signs because I might want to feel valued. This lad straight up lied when I asked him what he was after at the start, went out of his way to make me feel special and even told me he wasn’t messaging anyone else. It just felt like a complete 180 and now all I can think is there is something fundamentally wrong with me. My confidence is completely shot to hell.

Jurgen Klopp

Extrahotmocha wrote: »

Thanks so much. I’m definitely taking a break, I can relate to your feelings of burnout. I would usually arrange dates quickly etc, but this guy was literally ringing me every night to chat for hours. I think I was overwhelmed and a bit too flattered.

My issue now is, I feel like I’m ignoring warning signs because I might want to feel valued. This lad straight up lied when I asked him what he was after at the start, went out of his way to make me feel special and even told me he wasn’t messaging anyone else. It just felt like a complete 180 and now all I can think is there is something fundamentally wrong with me. My confidence is completely shot to hell.

Give it a few days, you'll realize that yes you did ignore warning signs but there's nothing wrong with you. You just got your hopes up. It happens.

I found for myself I used ignore a lot too in the hopes of it. Like say flaky etc

So I said to myself right, do I really want someone so bad I'm willing to constantly get myself head wrecked and down? The answer is no.

While I'm still searching if I encounter any obvious BS then I just cut them loose.

I just repeat to myself better off going long periods between decent dates, even if nothing comes of it due to click etc than regularly going on bad dates or be constantly messaging ones it's obvious aren't into it.

You'll get the odd one that sneaks through and seems sound and ghosts but Ive come to the realization that I wouldn't do that to someone so anyone that acts like that wasn't for me anyways.

How old are you if you don't mind me asking? I'm only 30 and only come to this mind set now. It was harder do it while in my 20s

Thelonious Monk

Don't take it too seriously. If you have doubts about someone at the start you should probably let it go. I had nothing but good experiences from these dating things, met the odd strange wan, but it was all harmless. I don't get why so many people say it's a cruel world and cut throat in dating. I think you all need to chill.
It probably boils down to thinking you need a partner and it's the be all and end all of life. As soon as I realised IDGAF about that kind of thing and that I'm happy enough doing my own thing, dating was just a pastime and a way of meeting nice people for a night out or two. Put yourself in the driving seat.

Extrahotmocha

Jurgen Klopp wrote: »

Give it a few days, you'll realize that yes you did ignore warning signs but there's nothing wrong with you. You just got your hopes up. It happens.

I found for myself I used ignore a lot too in the hopes of it. Like say flaky etc

So I said to myself right, do I really want someone so bad I'm willing to constantly get myself head wrecked and down? The answer is no.

While I'm still searching if I encounter any obvious BS then I just cut them loose.

I just repeat to myself better off going long periods between decent dates, even if nothing comes of it due to click etc than regularly going on bad dates or be constantly messaging ones it's obvious aren't into it.

You'll get the odd one that sneaks through and seems sound and ghosts but Ive come to the realization that I wouldn't do that to someone so anyone that acts like that wasn't for me anyways.

How old are you if you don't mind me asking? I'm only 30 and only come to this mind set now. It was harder do it while in my 20s

I’m 30 (I know - I should be older and wiser!). I’d love your confidence when it comes to dealing with people. Even after this guy texted saying I’d completely understand if you never want to speak to me again, I was nice to him and told him not to worry. I think this has probably been one of my worst experiences though in that I thought I’d done everything right, made darn sure what his intentions were etc and I was made a right fool of. He really made me feel special, went out of his way to do so, dragged me down the country etc. And I know people might not feel it on meeting etc, but we had talked for ages and he knew what I looked like. I suppose that’s what I’m really struggling with - why would someone do that to someone else? Very victim mentality here, because I really did see the signs and I’m a grown up at the end of the day.

I don’t consider myself gullible either, but I really fell for it. Live and learn.

I suppose another thing is I’ve lost a good bit of weight recently, now a size 10 down from a 16/18 but I still feel like I’ve the confidence of the latter. I also feel like I’m not that pretty or interesting, and I think that comes across in dates. I know it’s probably an unattractive trait, but I still clearly need boards confirmation of that fact.

Extrahotmocha

Thelonious Monk wrote: »

Don't take it too seriously. If you have doubts about someone at the start you should probably let it go. I had nothing but good experiences from these dating things, met the odd strange wan, but it was all harmless. I don't get why so many people say it's a cruel world and cut throat in dating. I think you all need to chill.
It probably boils down to thinking you need a partner and it's the be all and end all of life. As soon as I realised IDGAF about that kind of thing and that I'm happy enough doing my own thing, dating was just a pastime and a way of meeting nice people for a night out or two. Put yourself in the driving seat.

I really don’t think that way though - I’d like a partner, but I feel like it may never happen and that gets me down a bit. I’ve great friends, really fun hobbies, but my experience of dating as just been different and really affected my self esteem. I think I’ll probably take a break for a while until I’ve it all figured out

Just as a general rule of thumb, if someone is being superly overly nice or into you before they should be, I'd tend to be wary.. anyway.. you're 30.. You'll probably be grand..it will work out..

Extrahotmocha

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Just as a general rule of thumb, if someone is being superly overly nice or into you before they should be, I'd tend to be wary.. anyway.. you're 30.. You'll probably be grand..it will work out..

Oh trust me I know lol I even asked him outright beforehand cos it was a huge red flag to me. He just said he was into me, didn’t want to talk to anyone else etc. I think I’m in a place where I’m a bit vulnerable to that kind of attention though so I probably ignored things I shouldn’t have. It has just made me question a few things about myself really, mostly if he it was cos he didn’t find me physically or mentally attractive. And maybe he didn’t, but I hate that that happened in person cos I feel like it is history repeating itself. Then I just wonder if it’s a fundamental thing. Like I say, being with someone isn’t the be all and end all, but I’m feeling a bit lonely I suppose.

Hey.. look, you can't really blame yourself in this situation.. like, he was probably just looking for the one night, and was willing to say whatever to get it.. like, online dating is bad enough without having to deal with that sort of craic..(I can't even leave a profile up for more than a day or two..the whole thing just seems kinda wrong..).. like, loneliness, yeah, it can suck.. and just the thought that it might not happen for you, but like, it might.. you never know..tbh, I miss the old school "will you shift my friend" system..

JeffKenna

Extrahotmocha wrote: »

Hi all,

Just looking for some advice on the best way to go forward dating. Before I start, please be gentle with me, I’m having some post date regrets.

So I’ve been on Bumble for about 6 months. In that time, I’ve been ghosted and dumped more times than I care to remember. I’m beginning to think there is a bigger problem with me.

I always seem to attract guys who go in hard and fast at the start, overwhelm with affection then decide they aren’t interested.

Case in point last weeks date. I messaged this guy and right away he gave me his number. He messaged A LOT at the start - constant WhatsApps and Snaps, so much so I viewed it as a red flag and pulled back because of previous experiences etc. Anyway, this guy was relentless, and he wore me down. Calling me beautiful/sweetheart, texting first thing, messaging all day everyday. Long phone calls ensued, after communicating all day on various platforms. I began to really like him, but still was aware of some warning signs. So one night I ask him straight out if he’s “lovebombing” me. He assured me he wasn’t, and reiterated again how much he liked me etc. I’ll be honest, the attention felt lovely and I think I let that cloud my judgement. We end up video calling etc, and he seems genuinely into me. He even starts planning second and third dates.

Anyway I end up driving two hours to meet this guy. I got the feeling he was a bit off the night before, but I just put that down to me reading too much into it. I even gave him an explicit out and he insisted he wanted to meet. On the date, helet me pay for dinner and then suddenly says he is tired and has work in the morning. No kiss goodbye and I texted after to see what the story he was. He told me while I was amazing, he was only looking for a hook up.

I just feel that there has to be a problem with me, either physically or mentally. I’m doing something that means no one wants to be with me. Genuinely afraid I will never be that special person to someone, and it’s really affecting my mood. I’m an independent person with lots of hobbies, and great friends. I just don’t view myself positively anymore. So questions - are guys put off by a lack of confidence sometimes? I can also be a bit chatty and lack a brain to mouth filter. My looks also worry me but I can’t field opinions on them ��

All advice appreciated guys!

Hi OP, online dating can be tough so you need to detach yourself a bit from it. In reality you never know how many people the other person is dating so it's best to keep your options open until something official is decided. If you strip your post back and look at the bare facts you met this guy once in person and he obviously didn't feel any connection/chemistry with you. I don't see anything wrong with that. Sure its a blow to your confidence but looking at it logically, how many people in life do you meet on a daily basis that you do have a connection with?

I think the big problem is the amount of time you've invested before meeting the person. It's not great to be communicating all day from the moment you get up and getting so invested in them. Put the phone away for a few hours and focus on something else whether that's your job or hobby.

In future try and cut back on the predate contact, arrange to meet somewhere convenient to you both (aka halfway!) and keep the date to a low key coffee or drink. If you get on in person brilliant, if not then nothing much lost.

Best of luck!

Idle Passerby

I think you already knew where this was headed, your alarm bells were ringing and you ignored them. I know you want to give people the benefit of the doubt but your better waiting til you think a person is genuine before driving 2 hours to see them.

Did you really expect to get an honest answer when you asked of he was lovebombing? That's like asking a pickpocket if they are trying to take your wallet, they aren't going to say "you got me! I sure was." If a guy seems that keen early on let him do the chasing, you'll soon see if it's all talk.

A more robust set of personal red lines will serve you well when dating. Good luck!

Extrahotmocha

JeffKenna wrote: »

Hi OP, online dating can be tough so you need to detach yourself a bit from it. In reality you never know how many people the other person is dating so it's best to keep your options open until something official is decided. If you strip your post back and look at the bare facts you met this guy once in person and he obviously didn't feel any connection/chemistry with you. I don't see anything wrong with that. Sure its a blow to your confidence but looking at it logically, how many people in life do you meet on a daily basis that you do have a connection with?

I think the big problem is the amount of time you've invested before meeting the person. It's not great to be communicating all day from the moment you get up and getting so invested in them. Put the phone away for a few hours and focus on something else whether that's your job or hobby.

In future try and cut back on the predate contact, arrange to meet somewhere convenient to you both (aka halfway!) and keep the date to a low key coffee or drink. If you get on in person brilliant, if not then nothing much lost.

Best of luck!

Thanks so much. I have a good bit of experience online dating, but honestly this was super different to anything I’ve experienced before. I went into with a very detached attitude cos at this point I was a little jaded by the whole thing. But this guy came at me hard. I’ve very strict rules about how much contact I give someone (I’m busy and have a job that keeps me away from my phone as a general rule) but he said he needed that contact and it was very important to him. I indulged that and got sucked in. If I didn’t message back I got another message on another platform etc. Always big statements, always massive compliments.

I also would typically keep dates low key, have been for many a drink or coffee. Honestly this was so out of character. I would never usually engage this way. I felt like he’d changed his mind before he even met me though and suppose am frustrated cos I gave him an opportunity to cancel and he didn’t.

I don’t want to keep going on about him though, I suppose I’m just wondering some stuff about myself and needed to voice it out loud. I’m also aware I’m coming across as very moany on here - I swear I’m not lol

He could have been "the game"-ing you too though..

Extrahotmocha

[Deleted User] wrote: »

He could have been "the game"-ing you too though..

Oh gosh, another dating term - what’s that when it’s at home?

A book,. started the whole pua thing.. just playing head games with women to ride them really..

Keeping up contact would be a tactic..and keeping it intense etc..

Extrahotmocha

Idle Passerby wrote: »

I think you already knew where this was headed, your alarm bells were ringing and you ignored them. I know you want to give people the benefit of the doubt but your better waiting til you think a person is genuine before driving 2 hours to see them.

Did you really expect to get an honest answer when you asked of he was lovebombing? That's like asking a pickpocket if they are trying to take your wallet, they aren't going to say "you got me! I sure was." If a guy seems that keen early on let him do the chasing, you'll soon see if it's all talk.

A more robust set of personal red lines will serve you well when dating. Good luck!

Thanks so much! This actually made me laugh cos it’s exactly what has been in my head - did you really expect an honest answer? I will definitely listen to my gut in future, but I’m just hoping that this isn’t an issue with me as a person.

At least I still have my cat who will feast on me when I inevitability die alone :P

Extrahotmocha

[Deleted User] wrote: »

A book,. started the whole pua thing.. just playing head games with women to ride them really..

Keeping up contact would be a tactic..and keeping it intense etc..

Learn something new everyday! Do you know what though, I even said to him if that was what he was after he could just be honest and we could talk. I dunno, my heads in a muddle.

Lily_Aldrin7

What a piece of garbage! I can’t believe you didn’t tell him that! Who spends so much time on the phone just for a hookup, not to mention you drove all the way there... Don’t let this destroy your confidence completely! I would tell you to act more confident because that is generally more attractive but you are who you are and what you need is for someone to like you for who you really are. Maybe work on yourself before you jump into dating? You achieved so much, lost all that weight- try to focus on all the positives you have and be good to yourself xx

JeffKenna

Extrahotmocha wrote: »

Thanks so much. I have a good bit of experience online dating, but honestly this was super different to anything I’ve experienced before. I went into with a very detached attitude cos at this point I was a little jaded by the whole thing. But this guy came at me hard. I’ve very strict rules about how much contact I give someone (I’m busy and have a job that keeps me away from my phone as a general rule) but he said he needed that contact and it was very important to him. I indulged that and got sucked in. If I didn’t message back I got another message on another platform etc. Always big statements, always massive compliments.

I also would typically keep dates low key, have been for many a drink or coffee. Honestly this was so out of character. I would never usually engage this way. I felt like he’d changed his mind before he even met me though and suppose am frustrated cos I gave him an opportunity to cancel and he didn’t.

I don’t want to keep going on about him though, I suppose I’m just wondering some stuff about myself and needed to voice it out loud. I’m also aware I’m coming across as very moany on here - I swear I’m not lol

For what its worth you come across lovely and I've no doubt you'll meet the right person when the time come.

Extrahotmocha

Lily_Aldrin7 wrote: »

What a piece of garbage! I can’t believe you didn’t tell him that! Who spends so much time on the phone just for a hookup, not to mention you drove all the way there... Don’t let this destroy your confidence completely! I would tell you to act more confident because that is generally more attractive but you are who you are and what you need is for someone to like you for who you really are. Maybe work on yourself before you jump into dating? You achieved so much, lost all that weight- try to focus on all the positives you have and be good to yourself xx

Awk god, thanks so much for this. You’re very kind! It was a super long time to spend chatting, hence my confusion. I’m not talking hour long calls here, we were into 5 hour territory most nights. Even reading that seems mad. You can imagine the state of my flat - I was getting no work done lol I can only imagine it was something physical that put him off, I still have a bit of work to do on my tummy and legs etc. I think my friends were a bit shook he let me pay for dinner if he had zero intention dating again, but again I’m an adult and offered to pay.

I would love to be more confident but at this point I’m not sure it will happen. I still look in the mirror and feel uncomfortable most days, but at least I’m happy that I’ve a good job, great friends and a few good hobbies. I would just like to meet someone and it feels like I’ve that hole in my life at the moment.

Seriously thanks so much for being so kind, dating apps deleted for now.

Extrahotmocha

JeffKenna wrote: »

For what its worth you come across lovely and I've no doubt you'll meet the right person when the time come.

Thank you I hear ya in your other posts though, I won’t be swayed by romance from here on in. But I also won’t be too hard on the guys either - can’t hold it against someone if they aren’t feeling it. Just wishing I didn’t hold it against myself so much too

J Mysterio

JeffKenna wrote: »

Hi OP, online dating can be tough so you need to detach yourself a bit from it. In reality you never know how many people the other person is dating so it's best to keep your options open until something official is decided. If you strip your post back and look at the bare facts you met this guy once in person and he obviously didn't feel any connection/chemistry with you. I don't see anything wrong with that. Sure its a blow to your confidence but looking at it logically, how many people in life do you meet on a daily basis that you do have a connection with?

I think the big problem is the amount of time you've invested before meeting the person. It's not great to be communicating all day from the moment you get up and getting so invested in them. Put the phone away for a few hours and focus on something else whether that's your job or hobby.

In future try and cut back on the predate contact, arrange to meet somewhere convenient to you both (aka halfway!) and keep the date to a low key coffee or drink. If you get on in person brilliant, if not then nothing much lost.

Best of luck!

This is good advice. I find pre date contact to be a pain myself. You simply won't know if you have any chemistry untill you meet.

Personally, if there is a 'match' online, I'd rather just meet and see how it goes rather than have to send messages back and forth for a few weeks. Seems most women want to 'build a relationship' before meeting though.

bitofabind

Extrahotmocha wrote: »

But this guy came at me hard. I’ve very strict rules about how much contact I give someone (I’m busy and have a job that keeps me away from my phone as a general rule) but he said he needed that contact and it was very important to him. I indulged that and got sucked in. If I didn’t message back I got another message on another platform etc. Always big statements, always massive compliments.

Stop indulging these men's needs and start addressing your own. You crossed your own personal boundaries with this guy that was waving more red flags than a Soviet parade and learned a very valuable lesson - DON'T DO THAT. Protect those boundaries. The results will be exactly as you expect them to be. Put your hand on the hot stove and you get burnt. Respond to love bombing and you get the disappearing act. This is about as predictable as it gets.

Some guy you've known less than five minutes that starts bombarding you on multiple platforms is a bloody idiot that deserves absolutely none of your time. Don't let someone add you on Snapchat, Instagram, whatever until you've met them and established you're on the same page. That requires spelling out exactly what is it you're looking for and seeing how they respond to that and clearly asserting your own boundaries.

Don't give them your number or talk on the phone / via whatsapp until you've established they're not after something different than you. I'd not even consider that first meeting a "date" - it's more of a "who is this person and do we have anything in common?" encounter, after which you'll have enough information to go on a date or not. Until that point, keep comms on the apps and don't respond to needy men that want to talk to you all day every day. Who has time for that anyway? Not someone who values themselves and is looking for someone with a bit of integrity.

My advice would be to pull out a pen and paper and write two lists. First list - what is it you want. E.G a loving long-lasting relationship. With an honest, loyal man. And the second list is your Red Flags list. Behaviour you will not tolerate. Use this moron as Exhibit A for that one. Plenty of data with this one! You can then use these lists as your guides when you start talking to other guys and create the boundaries that you need to make app dating tolerable and to find what it is you want.

Extrahotmocha

bitofabind wrote: »

Stop indulging these men's needs and start addressing your own. You crossed your own personal boundaries with this guy that was waving more red flags than a Soviet parade and learned a very valuable lesson - DON'T DO THAT. Protect those boundaries. The results will be exactly as you expect them to be. Put your hand on the hot stove and you get burnt. Respond to love bombing and you get the disappearing act. This is about as predictable as it gets.

Some guy you've known less than five minutes that starts bombarding you on multiple platforms is a bloody idiot that deserves absolutely none of your time. Don't let someone add you on Snapchat, Instagram, whatever until you've met them and established you're on the same page. That requires spelling out exactly what is it you're looking for and seeing how they respond to that and clearly asserting your own boundaries.

Don't give them your number or talk on the phone / via whatsapp until you've established they're not after something different than you. I'd not even consider that first meeting a "date" - it's more of a "who is this person and do we have anything in common?" encounter, after which you'll have enough information to go on a date or not. Until that point, keep comms on the apps and don't respond to needy men that want to talk to you all day every day. Who has time for that anyway? Not someone who values themselves and is looking for someone with a bit of integrity.

My advice would be to pull out a pen and paper and write two lists. First list - what is it you want. E.G a loving long-lasting relationship. With an honest, loyal man. And the second list is your Red Flags list. Behaviour you will not tolerate. Use this moron as Exhibit A for that one. Plenty of data with this one! You can then use these lists as your guides when you start talking to other guys and create the boundaries that you need to make app dating tolerable and to find what it is you want.

I’m a little worried if I write down what I want at the moment, it would be as simple as company. I think I’ve lowered my standards so much, that I’m worried I’ll accept any attention that comes my way and ignore all those Soviet Parades you mentioned (laughed lots at that by the way!) I love my friends, but I’d just like something was just “for me” if you get me? My red flags list is huge after this guy for sure lol Honestly, I delayed texting him for nearly two weeks at the start cos my radar was beeping so loudly. I don’t have confidence in much, but I’m usually quite a smart person so I don’t even know why I chose to ignore that. One big thing was that he called me sweetheart about two messages in, and I was like this boy is either in it for the ride, or I will be stalked and murdered by the end of the week.

I’m also a very private person on social media but for some reason added him on all platforms when he asked. He is literally the only person I’ve allowed that and I’m still not sure why. I don’t want to get too into it, but other photos were requested in the heat of the moment, but I’m glad to say I stuck to my guns on that one.

I genuinely don’t have time for it either, I felt under so much pressure to respond that I was a bit stressed. Even at work one night, I felt rushed back to get in on time for a call. Anyway, making it about him again and it’s my actions that are at fault. I’m definitely gonna take your advice on board about staying off social media and sticking to the apps if I decide to use them again.

Actually, could I just employ you to weed people out for me? :P seriously though, thanks for taking the time to respond, I hear a lot of sense in what you’re saying.

Calypso Realm

Completely agree with Bitaofabind the above.

I'd just like to add this guy sounds to me like someone who's newly out of a relationship, or misses being in one, something he was trying to 'recapture' with someone new. I could be wrong but I reckon that was what all that lovebombing and endless communication was all about. Maybe, for example you reminded him of an ex? A sort of instant relationship, that is until you two met up face-to-face and he realised what he had built up in his head did not match the reality of the situation. Do you know anything about his prior relationships?

And OP never drive two miles to meet someone. Let them come to you. Ditto with paying for that meal.

bitofabind

Extrahotmocha wrote: »

I’m a little worried if I write down what I want at the moment, it would be as simple as company. I think I’ve lowered my standards so much, that I’m worried I’ll accept any attention that comes my way and ignore all those Soviet Parades you mentioned

Well then this is something you can actively work on to make sure your confidence is in the right place so that you're not letting just anyone walk into your life. If the threshold is this low, you're always going to be vulnerable to plebs like Mr. Lovebomb and dating will always be painful and frustrating. This kind of behaviour is prolific online and you need a strong line of defence if you're going to put yourself out there. You wouldn't accept just anyone for friendship in your life, so why lower the bar when it comes to the most important relationship you'll probably ever have?

You come across as a very warm, funny and thoughtful person, so try to not internalise and make this all about YOUR faults. Because it's not. You can act like the most dignified, confident, self-assured person ever and you'd still have to manoeuvre your way around the ghosting and lying and love-bombing and all that shyte - anyone that's spent any time on a dating app will be familiar with it. You could just do with tightening up your boundaries and strengthening your confidence so that you're prioritising what YOU want and not letting lads away with bs because you think it's all you deserve.

Goodigal

OP you sound like such a lovely person. And congrats on the weight loss. I'm on bumble too and find it very difficult to get chatting with men in my age bracket. Never mind go as far as arrange a date!! But you now know to give less away and know your boundaries. And yes a certain level of messaging is fun and makes you feel good but I can't get it out of my head that they're probably messaging a handful of other women too at the same time. I miss the old days of catching someone's eye across a bar... Best of luck with your confidence and finding someone who appreciates the lovely person you are.