Boyfriend lied about history with female friend

LegacyUser · 21-12-2019 09:35AM #1

I’ve been with my boyfriend 5 months, he has a good friend who is a girl (let’s call her Sarah) and he meets up with her often for coffee and would also ring her to chat. I did feel a little jealous and asked about her. He told me they’ve been friends 4 years having worked together in the past but he said hand on heart, that’s it. So I thought ah that’s ok, and had no issue with their friendship.

Lately though my gut has been telling me something is off and I don’t know what. He does tell white lies from time to time and it’s made me paranoid.

I told him how I was feeling and he encouraged me to check his Facebook messenger to prove nothing is going on. His chat history with Sarah however had been cleared, which I found suspicious. But I left it.

A while after though I checked his messages (ashamed to admit it, and I’m also aware how toxic this is starting to sound) but I found messages to a female friend, who is also friends with Sarah. I scrolled up and saw more from a few years ago. The messages were talking about how they’d slept together and wondering how were they going to tell Sarah about it considering their history. My boyfriend talked about how things had sort of quietened down between himself and Sarah so it should be ok. I also found earlier messages talking about how strong his feelings are for Sarah and how much he wants it to work.

I’m devastated to have found these messages, knowing he lied to me and has previously been involved with this girl who he is still close with. When I confronted him he said it’s all in the past and he didn’t want to upset me, and he will stop seeing her if that’s what I want. I really don’t want to tell someone who they can and can’t see but I’ll never feel comfortable knowing what I know.

I don’t know what to do and don’t know if I’m wrong for being so upset by this. Any advice welcome, thanks.

Kidchameleon · 21-12-2019 02:26PM

Upset55 wrote: »

I don’t know what to do and don’t know if I’m wrong for being so upset by this. Any advice welcome, thanks.

Well he probably knew you would be upset and that's why he chose to lie. Perhaps he picked up some jealous tendencies from you and made the decision. I'm not saying lying is right but I'm just offering some perspective. As far as his feelings for Sarah are concerned, they are in the past and should not really be an issue for you. If he had been up front and honest about his past would you be comfortable with him seeing this girl or would it still be an issue?

Upset55 wrote: »

he said it’s all in the past and he didn’t want to upset me, and he will stop seeing her if that’s what I want.

Bit of a red flag there. Nobody should destroy end friendship on the basis of a partners jealousy. Its not really virtuous behavior. Doing so would lead to serious issues down the road for your relationship.

strandroad · 21-12-2019 02:44PM

So he cheated on Sarah with another friend of theirs and (presumably) lied to Sarah about it. Now he's lying about Sarah to you. And you say he generally is not very truthful. How much second guessing and doubting yourself do you like to do in a relationship?

hawley · 21-12-2019 02:52PM

strandroad wrote: »

So he cheated on Sarah with another friend of theirs and (presumably) lied to Sarah about it. Now he's lying about Sarah to you. And you say he generally is not very truthful. How much second guessing and doubting yourself do you like to do in a relationship?

If you can't trust him and are running around trying to find out whether or not he's telling lies, it means that you should be thinking about ending the relationship. Trust is everything and he has gone behind your back and lied about previous relationships, while he is still meeting up with an ex. He will let you down again.

Augme · 21-12-2019 05:28PM

The relationship sounds toxic and both of you don't seem capable of being in an adult relationship. I can't see how this has any positive future and it would be much better off to finish it.

lozenges · 21-12-2019 06:10PM

If you had your suspicions but never asked him outright, and he never mentioned it, that's one thing.
Lying about something when you're asked directly about it is extremely dishonest though.
Also the fact that he deleted the chat with her is very suspect.
I would cut him loose tbh

ILoveYourVibes · 21-12-2019 11:00PM

He doesn't sound like a man who is honest in relationships. He doesn't sound like he respects you either. He sounds manipulative and dodgy.

Cut him loose. He is a ****boi.

leggo · 21-12-2019 11:52PM

I might be missing something but I don’t see evidence he cheated on Sarah? More that he had a history with her and slept with her friend so was worried it’d affect things working out down the line with Sarah.

I have a couple friends I’ve hooked up with over the years, that I know nothing will happen with now or in the future because interest just isn’t there on either side. But they’re good mates I’m not willing to just cut loose either. So the temptation when I get into it with someone is to lie, because it can cause unnecessary jealousy and hassle when I know it’s not a live issue (and being with someone doesn’t give them an automatic right to know your past). Ultimately I always tell simply because I hate lying and don’t want any future revelations slipping out to cause a situation like you’re in now. But I also totally understand why someone would lie, even if that would be a mistake, because I’ve thought about it myself and am still not convinced the truth serves you any better.

Look ultimately this comes down to the question of whether you trust him or not. But don’t ask yourself that question directly (because you’ll only run into the answer you want to believe), try to remove emotion and what you want to happen as much as possible and look at the evidence based on your entire shared time together. If you don’t, that’s that, the ins and outs of his friendship are irrelevant because you can’t move forward.

triona1 · 22-12-2019 02:21AM

,as above leg is right but im sorry to say I agree im not far off your situation but I walked and it wasn't easy. X

LegacyUser · 22-12-2019 12:49PM

triona1 wrote: »

,as above leg is right but im sorry to say I agree im not far off your situation but I walked and it wasn't easy. X

Can you tell me what happened? It’s really not easy to walk

LegacyUser · 22-12-2019 12:52PM

Hi OP here. Thank you for all the replies.

My boyfriend has explained to his female friend he can no longer see her because it’s disrespectful to me considering their history and he’s said he will do anything to work on things with me.

I hate this whole thing and I feel so betrayed. I feel I need to cut him loose because the trust is no longer there and hasn’t been for a while, but it’s really hard, especially around this time of year.

leggo · 22-12-2019 09:44PM

If you trusted him, I’d say that’s a pretty big gesture in the right direction.

But you don’t trust him (and fair play for that admission it can take time and difficulty to come to). So, as above, the female friend or what he does with her isn’t the actual issue, that is. This whole ordeal just sparked that realisation. And that’s what needs to be addressed, whether it’s by staying with him and trying to work on it or leaving him. That part we can’t decide for you unfortunately, it’s your call based on what you feel would make you happy long-term.

LegacyUser · 23-12-2019 12:07AM

Hi OP IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ve been in the exact same situation, always had an uneasy feeling about my exÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s female friend, like your boyfriend he insisted nothing had ever happened between them, only to admit a year into our relationship that they had been together for a while before we met. It definitely shook my trust in him, especially as she made it clear she wanted him back. I forgave his lies and was with him for another 2 years and itÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s one of the things I regret most. It was the elephant in the room for a long time and changed the dynamic of our relationship. Eventually we split up and within days they were together. My advice op is to go with your gut, if you believe he is genuine then see how things go

Boyfriend lied about history with female friend

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