Online Dating when in a relationship

Porklife · 08-11-2019 12:25PM #1

Thankfully at the moment I'm not on any online dating apps but in these dispensable times of ours, it wouldn't surprise me if I am again someday. I really do not like that but that said, there are alot of good on people on them and it's another means of connecting and forging relationships. If nothing else, dates often make for a good story!

Earlier on a friend of mine sent me a screenshot of a guy we know who's in a long term relationship on one of these sites. I have often come across profiles of people who I know are not single and I'm wondering how do these people get away with it? Ireland is so small. Surely the guys girlfriends friends or co-workers or family or whatever would see your profile and tell your partner. I've heard of suspicious partners creating accounts solely to see if their other half is on there.

Also, why would you be on there if you were in a relationship? Surely nobody actually likes being on these sites? I know they're socially acceptable now but I still cringe at the idea of it. I doubt every taken person on these sites is in an unhappy relationship and if they are they should just end it!

What do you lot think? Also, would you tell your friend if you saw their partner on the world of swiping?!

corner of hells · 08-11-2019 12:48PM

A short while ago, I saw the profile of two female friends of mine and my wife on a dating site , I showed them to my wife and do you what she said ?

"Why the fcuk are you on a dating site ? "

Earthhorse · 08-11-2019 12:52PM

The only way they can get away with is because precisely what you say isn’t happening. Either their friends and coworkers never spot them on such sites or they do and don’t say anything. There may be many reasons for that but that must be what’s happening.

CPTM · 08-11-2019 12:55PM

Ireland's dating world is so small you'd probably end up matching with the wife or one of her friends.

Bigbagofcans · 08-11-2019 01:05PM

I think a lot of people would rather not be the bearer of bad news when it comes to someone's partner cheating on them.

08-11-2019 01:08PM

Vanity, immaturity, or lack of self-esteem seeking validation from it, or downright nasty no interest in their partners feeling no empathy, no sex in their relationship and they have got carried away with fantasies of complication-free sex, or genuinely think its harmless in other words a bit thick.

There is a million reasons.

Porklife · 08-11-2019 01:54PM

Bigbagofcans wrote: »

I think a lot of people would rather not be the bearer of bad news when it comes to someone's partner cheating on them.

But in the long run you're way better off knowing and as a friend I think it's your loyal duty to let your friend know they're being messed around.

mvl · 08-11-2019 02:24PM

- I totally dislike the idea of online dating (such apps are banned in my world) -

But if i were to remove "Online" from current thread title, I do think dating outside of a relationship can be OK when it's consensual (guess cheating is not in this category). It is a reality that some ppl are wired to be non-monogamous ...or no ?

RhubarbCrumble · 08-11-2019 03:01PM

A friend of mine had been chatting to a guy on a dating site earlier on this year for a few weeks and they had arranged to meet up for a drink. She showed me his photo and asked me what did I think?
I knew him, he went to the same gym as me. As did his long term girlfriend with whom he'd had a baby four weeks previously.

Bobblehats · 08-11-2019 03:05PM

Here’s my theory you have to actually like; really like the one you’re with? Otherwise all kinds of bad

Raconteuse · 08-11-2019 03:05PM

A friend of mine spotted a male friend of ours (in a relationship) on Tinder. She said it to him and his excuse was he was using it to try and arrange a threesome.

Badly Drunk Boy · 08-11-2019 03:09PM

Raconteuse wrote: »

A friend of mine spotted a male friend of ours (in a relationship) on Tinder. She said it to him and his excuse was he was using it to try and arrange a threesome.

So he went on Tinder instead of asking either of you? :eek:

bitofabind · 08-11-2019 03:12PM

FOMO probably. Lots of people in bad relationships out there but without the balls to walk away and face being single again.

That or horny, or a combination of both. Men do the dumbest things when they're in need of some action.

Raconteuse · 08-11-2019 03:15PM

Badly Drunk Boy wrote: »

So he went on Tinder instead of asking either of you? :eek:

Oh god no, it would be like doing it with a brother! :eek:

(Although we both went there - separately! - years before he became like a brotherly type).

Porklife · 08-11-2019 03:17PM

Ok Boomer wrote: »

So what's stopping you from ratting on the guy?

Who says I didn't?

Deebles McBeebles · 08-11-2019 03:19PM

Raconteuse wrote: »

A friend of mine spotted a male friend of ours (in a relationship) on Tinder. She said it to him and his excuse was he was using it to try and arrange a threesome.

Raconteuse wrote: »

Oh god no, it would be like doing it with a brother! :eek:

(Although we both went there - separately! - years before he became like a brotherly type).

This dude should be hosting an AMA. Now ye're talking - to a swordsman.

EmmetSpiceland · 08-11-2019 03:32PM

Porklife wrote: »

Who says I didn't?

Wouldn’t recommend it. Messenger usually gets “shot” in those situations.

I, personally, tend to stay out of other people’s business. Seen it go wrong too many times, saw one case where lifelong friends got “dumped” in favour of a guy who explained away why the girl now has herpes. People believe what they want to believe sometimes.

Knew a guy who was determined to tell a girl we knew about her fella’s cheating. I wasn’t going near it, I think he fancied the girl himself.

In the end all that happened was she got shattered and the guy just went on his way “riding” around without a care. Think he’s married now. The other guy never got with the girl either, not sure what she’s up to now.

Raconteuse · 08-11-2019 03:38PM

I would definitely tell a close friend if I was certain it was cheating. I couldn't act normally around them with that knowledge. Plus if they knew I knew yet said nothing and let them go on humiliating themselves, they would rightly be devastated.

It's not a conversation I would enjoy though.

wiggle16 · 08-11-2019 03:40PM

I'd tell.

A close friend of mine found out his boyfriend was cheating on him because he went to the doctor thinking he had a UTI... and was told he had gonorrhea. So on top of finding out he was being cheated on, he had the added worry if waiting on tests to make sure he hadn't given him HIV or hepatitis either.

I flung his scummy little rat of a boyfriend up and down the road when I got a hold of him, to this day if he sees me in a pub he leaves immediately.

So I'd rather tell the person than let them go about in ignorance while their partner might well be putting them at risk of an STI.

Porklife · 08-11-2019 04:04PM

wiggle16 wrote: »

I'd tell.

A close friend of mine found out his boyfriend was cheating on him because he went to the doctor thinking he had a UTI... and was told he had gonorrhea. So on top of finding out he was being cheated on, he had the added worry if waiting on tests to make sure he hadn't given him HIV or hepatitis either.

I flung his scummy little rat of a boyfriend up and down the road when I got a hold of him, to this day if he sees me in a pub he leaves immediately.

So I'd rather tell the person than let them go about in ignorance while their partner might well be putting them at risk of an STI.

My thoughts exactly and if you get 'shot' as the messenger then they weren't a real true friend anyway if they don't trust what you're telling them Obviously I don't mean if you were to say.. oh btw I have a hunch your boyfriend is cheating on you.. I mean if you presented them with cold hard facts and they chose to go into denial and not listen or believe you then they can jog on and live a lie quite frankly.

Deebles McBeebles · 08-11-2019 04:11PM

Raconteuse wrote: »

I would definitely tell a close friend if I was certain it was cheating. I couldn't act normally around them with that knowledge. Plus if they knew I knew yet said nothing and let them go on humiliating themselves, they would rightly be devastated.

It's not a conversation I would enjoy though.

That would be my way of thinking too. If I think of myself in that situation, I would always want to know, the humiliation otherwise would kill me.

As Emmet said, there is a chance of messenger shooting but at least you know you've done the right thing.

IAMAMORON · 08-11-2019 04:30PM

OP, I would thread carefully if I were you. A really similar situation happened when a girl I knew spotted a really attractive boyfriend who was in a relationship with a friend of a friend. I had always thought the guy was boxing below his weight and was not surprised when I saw his profile. Myself and my girlfriend immediately joined the site when we heard he was on it. We only signed up so that my girlfriend could pm him for some dickpicks, she was infatuated with them. Sure enough the following day she was forwarding me pictures of his beautiful penis and we actually enlarged the photo and printed it full screen at a party one night and stapled it to the hosts wall. We played " guess the dick " it was great fun, most people thought it was mine, how embarrassing. It was quite long but it was impossible to know whose penis it was without knowing whose penis it was, do you know what I mean? Three girls who were at the party correctly guessed whose penis it was.

bitofabind · 08-11-2019 04:35PM

IAMAMORON wrote: »

OP, I would thread carefully if I were you. A really similar situation happened when a girl I knew spotted a really attractive boyfriend who was in a relationship with a friend of a friend. I had always thought the guy was boxing below his weight and was not surprised when I saw his profile. Myself and my girlfriend immediately joined the site when we heard he was on it. We only signed up so that my girlfriend could pm him for some dickpicks, she was infatuated with them. Sure enough the following day she was forwarding me pictures of his beautiful penis and we actually enlarged the photo and printed it full screen at a party one night and stapled it to the hosts wall. We played " guess the dick " it was great fun, most people thought it was mine, how embarrassing. It was quite long but it was impossible to know whose penis it was without knowing whose penis it was, do you know what I mean? Three girls who were at the party correctly guessed whose penis it was.

get some therapy maybe?

08-11-2019 04:52PM

Porklife wrote: »

But in the long run you're way better off knowing and as a friend I think it's your loyal duty to let your friend know they're being messed around.

Go ahead, and tell them. You'll have lost that friend, and likely he/she will forgive their partner anyway.

People need to find out these things for themselves. People tried telling me that my girlfriend was cheating on me, and I just couldn't accept it. I'd query her, get into a huge fight, and then apologise because I didn't trust her enough. Until I caught her actually cheating. Later, I found out there was more than one guy over the space of a year. Yay.

I've noticed that people in love are very easily manipulated by their partner... You might put some cracks in their trust or you could also reinforce the control the partner has over your friend.. But you'll lose that friendship regardless. I've seen other people try telling their friends about a cheating partner, and I've rarely seen it turn out okay for the messenger. Most times, the anger the cheated person feels is directed at that messenger. I know mine was.

OneArt · 08-11-2019 04:55PM

Porklife wrote: »

Also, why would you be on there if you were in a relationship? Surely nobody actually likes being on these sites? I know they're socially acceptable now but I still cringe at the idea of it. I doubt every taken person on these sites is in an unhappy relationship and if they are they should just end it!

People in happy, consensually non-monogamous relationships spring to mind.

I don't know how common it is in Ireland, though. Considering how small the dating pool already is, there's probably like 5 polyamorous people or something.

Being a swinger in Ireland is probably cat too. Same 6 aul wans. You'd get bored very quickly.

08-11-2019 04:58PM

Also they could be weirdo's doing it together, one partner is happy for their partner to be contacting people and they both composed the replies, judge and laugh together at the people their partner is contacting a form of superiority complex or bullying maybe?

They would want to have a fairly messed up relationship themselves in the first palce though.

Porklife · 08-11-2019 05:01PM

Deleted User wrote: »

Go ahead, and tell them. You'll have lost that friend, and likely he/she will forgive their partner anyway.

People need to find out these things for themselves. People tried telling me that my girlfriend was cheating on me, and I just couldn't accept it. I'd query her, get into a huge fight, and then apologise because I didn't trust her enough. Until I caught her actually cheating. Later, I found out there was more than one guy over the space of a year. Yay.

I've noticed that people in love are very easily manipulated by their partner... You might put some cracks in their trust or you could also reinforce the control the partner has over your friend.. But you'll lose that friendship regardless. I've seen other people try telling their friends about a cheating partner, and I've rarely seen it turn out okay for the messenger. Most times, the anger the cheated person feels is directed at that messenger. I know mine was.

I'm sorry to hear that happened to you but at least you eventually found out. Nothing worse than being made a fool of.

Well the guy in question is way better known to the girl who showed me the screenshot so if anyone is saying anything it will be her and not me but I'll be back up if needs be.

My thread was more so about how people get away with being on online dating apps when they have a partner assuming it's not an open relationship type dealie.

EmmetSpiceland · 08-11-2019 05:03PM

Deebles McBeebles wrote: »

As Emmet said, there is a chance of messenger shooting but at least you know you've done the right thing.

For me, the right thing is minding your own business. I dont go to the cops if I see someone run a red light.

If it was someone close to me I’d tell them to break up with the other person. The hit it gives someone’s confidence and the lack of any real consequence to the cheater makes it not something I wouldn’t want to be a part of.

08-11-2019 05:06PM

Porklife wrote: »

I'm sorry to hear that happened to you but at least you eventually found out. Nothing worse than being made a fool of.

Well the guy in question is way better known to the girl who showed me the screenshot so if anyone is saying anything it will be her and not me but I'll be back up if needs be.

My thread was more so about how people get away with being on online dating apps when they have a partner assuming it's not an open relationship type dealie.

Often they unconsciously suspect or they might know but they do not want it confirmed. They might want to stay in the relationship for complex reasons such as having a family or they might feel sorry for their partner its not a simple matter.

lozenges · 08-11-2019 05:11PM

Do you know that the guy is actively talking to people on it? I deleted tinder once I was in a relationship but for all I know the profile itself is still active/available.
Don't do anything unless you have definite proof. Not just a suspicion.

08-11-2019 05:17PM

Porklife wrote: »

My thread was more so about how people get away with being on online dating apps when they have a partner assuming it's not an open relationship type dealie.

Because they don't want to know that their relationship is fake. It's becoming more difficult to find someone you connect with, and they don't want to lose that. Few people love being single after a year of it, unless they're particularly young and inexperienced.

I'm single most of my life and I'm in my 40s now. I've had four serious relationships. I've dated extensively but TBH dating becomes rather shallow and superficial after a while. So, it's reasonable that people just don't want to know if their partner is cheating. Some people aren't quite so possessive. I am, which is why I remained single so much. It's becoming more difficult to trust people, when I see how many of my friends cheat (both male and female) in relationships or marriage.

Online Dating when in a relationship

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