To what extent can someone's fashion sense be a request / demand?

05-11-2019 11:34AM #1

Not going alt for this.

My (ex?) girlfriend and I had a soft break up recently. She moved out a couple of months ago but we still chat, meet decently often (nothing romantic). Eight years later we're still each other's best friends I suppose.

A bizarre but ongoing issue for me over the years was her entire lack of fashion sense. She has none; the worst in the world. She's blind to clothes and often looks like she's a teenager raiding her sister and mom's wardrobes.

What I mean is she'll wear ripped denim short shorts, dressy office shoes, and a nice silk blouse and go out for dinner. She can't match basically.

We didn't break up because of this but when considering getting back together, it's annoying to think about because I work with women who come to work smart or casual dressed well. Flip flops, ripped denim shorts, and a t-shirt? Fine. Nice dress shoes, a skirt and blouse, or a dress? Fine. Her old goth clothes? Fine. Literally any style in the world that matches? Fine. I don't care what fashion she has.

Is it ok for me to say something pretty strong regarding this? I'm guessing not. Once earlier this year, I was drunk and threw on my beach shorts, my fancy black shoes, and my dress shirt, and told her this is what she looked like for dinner. She wasn't pleased.

She has a few grand of mine in her account and even without getting back together, I kind of want to tell her to get a personal shopper and redo her wardrobe with advice and follow it.

I kept my ripped boot cut jeans look for too long when we started dating eight years ago and she told me to go buy normal clothes. So she's done the same to me.

(If you think this sexist, I'm pretty sure a woman wouldn't want her husband dressing like I just described above in a nice restaurant)

Not looking for relationship advice. It's more of a boundaries question.

zapper55 · 05-11-2019 11:38AM

A best friend would accept her lack of style as is. You sound so judgemental of her. Does she have poor self confidence? I cant think of any other reason she would hang out with someone that's so sneering of her clothes choices. It's none of your business.

05-11-2019 11:45AM

zapper55 wrote: »

A best friend would accept her lack of style as is. You sound so judgemental of her. Does she have poor self confidence? I cant think of any other reason she would hang out with someone that's so sneering of her clothes choices. It's none of your business.

I would reserve the word judgemental for me having a problem with some style she was following.

She's following none. It's clownish looking. She herself says she can't match. Imagine a businessman wearing shorts, or a businesswoman wearing the nice blouse and shoes, but ripped denim shorts.

I wouldn't be telling her to stop anything. Just to get advice and buy matching stuff.

LuciX · 05-11-2019 11:45AM

Deleted User wrote: »

She has a few grand of mine in her account and even without getting back together, I kind of want to tell her to get a personal shopper and redo her wardrobe with advice and follow it.

She has A FEW GRAND of YOUR MONEY and you more concerned about her fashion sense?

05-11-2019 11:57AM

LuciX wrote: »

She has A FEW GRAND of YOUR MONEY and you more concerned about her fashion sense?

Well she'd give me the money tomorrow if I wanted it. I don't really care. If she said no, I'd move on immediately.

I'm just working things out in my head and posted here. My head is all over the place. We spent yesterday evening together and she definitely wants to rekindle, but I shut that down for now. Her fashion sense wouldn't determine that, but I wanted to see how reasonable my thoughts were.

The more serious relationship issues would be posted under an alt I suppose.

TheHairyMenace · 05-11-2019 12:04PM

It seems like the clothes issue is a touchstone for your real concerns about getting back with this lady.

If she looks bad when she goes out then you should be able to say that to her. Nobody is advocating shaming someone for their own style but we all have to make some effort to look well tended when we go outside and we expect the same from the people around us. So if it's that important to you then it's not an unreasonable issue (though personally a woman would want to be wearing a turkey on her head before I would start to be bothered by her fashion sense).

I wonder is the bigger problem here that you feel there are other things you can't or are uncomfortable bringing up with her?

bitofabind · 05-11-2019 12:09PM

I'm sure you broke up with her for more meaningful problems than her lack of dress sense. I'd suggest you think long and hard about those reasons and whether or not they have been resolved before you start thinking about getting back together.

And yeah, someone being smartly dressed and well presented is a part of the package of what will make someone seem attractive to a lot of people. Have you tried the no contact thing and dating other women since the break-up? I'd be prioritising giving yourself a chance to get over her over trying to get back together if it was me, as it sounds like that ship has sailed and ye'd only be making each other miserable again.

05-11-2019 12:19PM

TheHairyMenace wrote: »

It seems like the clothes issue is a touchstone for your real concerns about getting back with this lady.

If she looks bad when she goes out then you should be able to say that to her. Nobody is advocating shaming someone for their own style but we all have to make some effort to look well tended when we go outside and we expect the same from the people around us. So if it's that important to you then it's not an unreasonable issue (though personally a woman would want to be wearing a turkey on her head before I would start to be bothered by her fashion sense).

I wonder is the bigger problem here that you feel there are other things you can't or are uncomfortable bringing up with her?

Maybe it's a touchstone. Whether we can go from a 20s relationship into a 30s one.

It's just grinded on me that she's a really beautiful woman but somehow has the "I like those shoes I like that skirt I like that top" thought process that results in a bizarre mash-up. She sometimes gets it right and it's lovely. I compliment her on it when she seemingly randomly nails it.

Your last paragraph, I dunno. I don't think so. I might start a bigger thread on the actual relationship. This wasn't meant to be one.

05-11-2019 12:21PM

bitofabind wrote: »

I'm sure you broke up with her for more meaningful problems than her lack of dress sense. I'd suggest you think long and hard about those reasons and whether or not they have been resolved before you start thinking about getting back together.

And yeah, someone being smartly dressed and well presented is a part of the package of what will make someone seem attractive to a lot of people. Have you tried the no contact thing and dating other women since the break-up? I'd be prioritising giving yourself a chance to get over her over trying to get back together if it was me, as it sounds like that ship has sailed and ye'd only be making each other miserable again.

Fak.

No, I haven't. I feel like I've been neutered. But your post does make sense.

TheHairyMenace · 05-11-2019 12:23PM

Deleted User wrote: »

I feel like I've been neutered.

I think this comment, (in response to dating other women I think?), is the most important thing you've said in this *whole thread.

Definitely worth exploring.

05-11-2019 12:31PM

TheHairyMenace wrote: »

I think this comment, (in response to dating other women I think?), is the most important thing you've said in this *whole thread.

Definitely worth exploring.

Ya, let's leave it at that. Some thinking ahead. Thanks all.

TheHairyMenace · 05-11-2019 12:32PM

Deleted User wrote: »

Ya, let's leave it at that. Some thinking ahead. Thanks all.

Best of luck mate!

Porklife · 05-11-2019 12:47PM

As this isn't about your actual relationship issues and is more around the fashion sense or lack thereof, I just wanted to say that I totally understand where you're coming from. Clothes project a certain image and there are certain clothes or styles that we are attracted to.
I love a man in a well fitted suit for example but I also love the rock n roll Russell Brand, skinny jeans, wife beater, bowler hat type look. I'm really attracted to that look.
My ex had no dress sense either. He would wear ugly brown slacks and a plain navy t-shirt with holes in it and I was embarrassed by him. He looked awful and it really is a turn off so I totally understand. I tried bringing it up with him one day and he took it really badly so i'd tread carefully but at this stage you're just 'friends' so it shouldn't bother you as much. Just to say that you shouldn't feel bad about this and it's understandable why you feel how you do.
Best of luck!

Ursus Horribilis · 05-11-2019 12:52PM

Is this the same girlfriend you described as having a moon face?

05-11-2019 01:02PM

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Is this the same girlfriend you described as having a moon face?

Yes, it's the medical term for that side-effect she hasn't had for years. I'd rather not get into it in this thread. Don't punish people for not using alts.

tara73 · 05-11-2019 01:07PM

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Is this the same girlfriend you described as having a moon face?

I remember his old thread too...I think the woman has some condition, hence 'the moon face' description, so wasn't completely derogatory meant I think but still..

Reading this new thread and remembering your other thread(s) I really think it's for the best you split up and let her be now.

You describe your well dressed, female colleagues. Best chance to look there for a more suited gf is my advice

05-11-2019 01:07PM

Thank god my boyfriend doesn't give a sh1t what I wear!
A black bin bag & he still thinks I'm great

Ursus Horribilis · 05-11-2019 01:14PM

I think you'd be better off staying split from your ex too. I remember your other threads and it sounded like a relationship that had run its course. This clothes issue is merely a distraction IMHO.

05-11-2019 01:19PM

Thanks all.

05-11-2019 02:57PM

bubblypop wrote: »

Thank god my boyfriend doesn't give a sh1t what I wear!
A black bin bag & he still thinks I'm great

That ol' black plastic fetish runs deep.

wiggle16 · 05-11-2019 03:36PM

Thread locked

To what extent can someone's fashion sense be a request / demand?

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