Why is he being so cold?

Ursus Horribilis · 04-09-2019 09:32PM

Are you open to moving to the United States? I ask because you seem to be going for American men and what seem to be long distance relationships. That in itself may be at the root of your problems and how these men perceive you.

lainey_d_123 · 04-09-2019 11:32PM

bitofabind wrote: »

yeah lainey Im gonna choose to think of it this way and just move on, leave the emotions out of it next time i have to interact with him. ultimately it was just a random kiss and then a date, my problem tends to be i put my own standards on guys i barely know and think "he should do this, he should do that", when realistically he's gonna do what he wants to do and that's the end of it.

so many guys out there with different values from me and for whom a bit of intimacy is totally meaningless so i suppose its on me to have stronger boundaries rather than expecting the world to change for me.

this is the second New Yorker that i've had this kind of dating experience with in recent months and a friend of mine who lives there tells me it can be a sh1tshow as its essentially a buyers market for men, maybe it's time i steer clear from them from now on :pac:

I don't think it's a New York thing, I think it's a modern dating/dating apps/city thing. As a friend of mine in London said, why would he settle down at 34 and have kids when he has endless possibilities of dates with young, hot women? As sad and as shallow as that sounds to me, it seems to be the way a lot of men think, and those who do want to settle down are likely to have done it already at this age. So you end up with a dating 'market' mostly full of people who still want to play the field just because they can.

I've also had quite a few recent experiences of men being really keen and then suddenly losing interest for no apparent reason. Very weird and it does a number on your self esteem. Don't know if it's a new thing people do, or if older men tend to do it more than younger ones or what but it's really headwrecking. Don't have any advice other than to say it's definitely not just you! Leaves your head spinning when someone seems so interested and keen and then BAM...it's all over.

Salthillprom · 04-09-2019 11:42PM

Being honest, if I was in his boat I'd have done exactly what he did if I'd lost interest. I'd probably have responded 'thanks' to messages where you congratulated him though. But, to me it is clear. For whatever reason, be it distance, loss of interest, met someone else...he doesn't want to be with you romantically. And perhaps because he crossed the friendship boundary on a couple of nights, he feels weird about going back to just being friends. Some people are like that and let's face it, unless you have a solid friendship before toh get romantically involved, it doesn't usually work that way in reverse.
OP sorry to be harsh but it's plain to me that he hasn't an interest. Yes he chased you and yes it was nice but that ship has sailed. I wouldn't contact him to ask for help in your new role, or advice. It looks a bit desperate to be honest. And surely there are other people you can ask instead of him.
He unfollowed you on insta. He doesn't want to see what you're up to. He could have met someone else. I'd leave him alone if I were you. I don't buy the whole persistence thing some people are suggesting you embark on. I genuinely think it comes across as needy and desperate. Just forget him OP and be friendly and professional if you meet him in a work capacity in the future. But certainly don't chase him or contact him again. You've done enough running after him post-dates already and it hasn't ended positively for you.

bitofabind · 05-09-2019 10:21AM

Salthillprom wrote: »

Being honest, if I was in his boat I'd have done exactly what he did if I'd lost interest. I'd probably have responded 'thanks' to messages where you congratulated him though. But, to me it is clear. For whatever reason, be it distance, loss of interest, met someone else...he doesn't want to be with you romantically. And perhaps because he crossed the friendship boundary on a couple of nights, he feels weird about going back to just being friends. Some people are like that and let's face it, unless you have a solid friendship before toh get romantically involved, it doesn't usually work that way in reverse.
OP sorry to be harsh but it's plain to me that he hasn't an interest. Yes he chased you and yes it was nice but that ship has sailed. I wouldn't contact him to ask for help in your new role, or advice. It looks a bit desperate to be honest. And surely there are other people you can ask instead of him.
He unfollowed you on insta. He doesn't want to see what you're up to. He could have met someone else. I'd leave him alone if I were you. I don't buy the whole persistence thing some people are suggesting you embark on. I genuinely think it comes across as needy and desperate. Just forget him OP and be friendly and professional if you meet him in a work capacity in the future. But certainly don't chase him or contact him again. You've done enough running after him post-dates already and it hasn't ended positively for you.

haven't done much running around to be honest, sent a "well done" email and that's about it. The whole time i pretty much just responded to his contact with me, that said i know the signs when someone is interested and they have all disappeared here so i have to take that for what it is.

tara73 · 05-09-2019 06:19PM

see, it's very simple, don't fu** in the factory unless you are completely sure it's an honest thing and it's developing in a proper relationship which both parties want.

Sorry, but for me, you did all the textbook mistakes, got involved with a colleague on a higher position, who was 'chasing' you on a few days, you being thousand kilometres from home.

and to me, he sounds exactly like a player who's just up for an ego boost, the comments from your colleagues confirm this.

and either you are fallen for him or you were both on the same page, it was an ego boost for you too and it seems to eating you up he preempted with ending it.

just learn from it but I get theimpression you are into this games playing too. Ask yourself why you need this and if you want to live a life with this troubles in your life. Obviously it's exhausting, otherwise no thread opening about it.

pinkyeye · 05-09-2019 09:12PM

I've had more or less exactly the same situation in the past except I was mad into the guy but afterwards I just accepted he wasn't as much into me and went back to pretending it never happened.

Emailed him on a totally professional basis afterwards and we went back to normal.

Just pretend it never happened and stop worrying about Instagram, this is a work situation, you have to be a professional.

Lotus Flower · 06-09-2019 01:39PM

I don't mean to sound harsh OP but this is the second post I've seen in as many months regarding a colleague who lives in the US. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Even if these men are keen, they're not physically available

bitofabind · 06-09-2019 01:53PM

Yes. All fair points. definitely seeing that i've been getting lost in the emotions here and not seeing the wood for the trees. Just so happens that I've had a lot of work travel and American men are very forward!

i definitely need stronger boundaries and to stop losing sight of what i'm actually looking for, which is someone who is both physically and emotionally available. i seem to have a pattern recently so there's some issues i'm working through which should help with this.

anyway, thanks to all who have replied.

Rodin · 06-09-2019 01:56PM

bitofabind wrote: »

Should I just swerve him entirely and get on with things here?

Yes.

bitofabind · 20-10-2019 03:50PM

Calypso Realm wrote: »

I honestly don't think it's a case of this at all. I believe he's now moved on to someone else, nearer home! Someone he sees in person......LTRs don't work, esp for guys! I was in a similar situation when I went to uni and we were in a RL. Met someone else there and ended the other.

Thought an update might be interesting for folks. Turns out this is exactly what happened. I found out recently he’s been seeing someone since August or so, a colleague met her with him at a wedding last week. Kinda makes it feel like less of a rejection in a sense as of course he’s gonna cut me off given we had a “thing” and all that. She’s a beautiful blonde apparently which does no good things for my ego. But all immaterial now and fcuk it, onwards and upwards.

zapper55 · 20-10-2019 06:00PM

And if he kissed you he prob thought you were beautiful too. Dont be so hard on yourself.

lainey_d_123 · 20-10-2019 06:15PM

bitofabind wrote: »

Thought an update might be interesting for folks. Turns out this is exactly what happened. I found out recently he’s been seeing someone since August or so, a colleague met her with him at a wedding last week. Kinda makes it feel like less of a rejection in a sense as of course he’s gonna cut me off given we had a “thing” and all that. She’s a beautiful blonde apparently which does no good things for my ego. But all immaterial now and fcuk it, onwards and upwards.

Well this is probably the best outcome, no? It's not a personal rejection of you. You met him when you were both single, you kissed and flirted and had a fun time and shortly after that he started seeing someone, so he found it inappropriate to stay in touch with you. It most likely means he actually DOES fancy you and like you and so he's trying to set a boundary there. It doesn't sound like a relationship was ever on the cards due to the distance, so you don't seem to have lost out on much, really? It's a shame you can't ask him for work advice but surely there are others you can ask who you don't have a complicated history with?

Ursus Horribilis · 20-10-2019 06:39PM

I wouldn't get too hung up on the beautiful blonde thing. I think, no more than the other American guy, that distance was the biggest issue. Business trips sound like they're the grown-up version of holiday romances. When you get home and realise the other person is a lengthy, expensive plane ride away and that there's a time difference too, it puts perspective on things.

bitofabind · 21-10-2019 11:50AM

Thanks guys, all sensible words there. i've actively stopped dating since these two recently situations as i've realised my approach has not been a healthy one and the pain i've felt in each instance feels disproportionate to the situation at hand. it's probably why i'm feeling so jarred about this guy having a new beautiful girlfriend, despite it having no real baring on my life at all. He's just a guy that kissed me in a fleeting NY moment and i got too carried away in it all. there's underlying stuff that i need to work on for sure.

Definitely not going to be getting involved with 1. work folks and 2. guys that live abroad moving forward, as it's clearly not a good look for me!

Why is he being so cold?

Comments