Why is he being so cold?

bitofabind

Bit of a weird one.

I visited our office HQ a few months back and ended up bumping into a colleague that I used to work with while on a different team some time ago. We ended up in the pub together with a group, then alone, stayed out together and he ended up kissing me. it was totally unexpected at the time, didn't think he felt that way at all and he wouldn't be my usual type, but he's v goodlooking etc so i was chuffed!

at the time he was all smiles and flirtiness, asked me out and we went for dinner the following night. cue more kissing and flirting, a bit of texting in the following days and then i flew back home.

Since then there's been v little communication, bar him adding me on instagram and watching/liking everything i post (which isnt much in fairness) I've sent the odd innocuous message - congratulating him in deals he's closed, nothing major, never any response.

more recently i got promoted into a role that he's already doing in our HQ, where his expertise would really be appreciated as its an entirely new thing for me and he's known to be pretty damn good at the job. i thought about reaching out to ask him a few questions, then i checked instagram and saw that he had unfollowed me. which is.....weird. given that and the lack of any communication with me lately, im now thinking he'll just ghost me if i do get in touch in a professional capacity and its just annoying me. we cant even be friendly like? pretty sure from his instagram that he's not in a new relationship or anything, not that it should prohibit him from being a decent human being anyway.

he lives thousands of miles away so im not harbouring any hope of any further romantic interactions, i just dont get the total coldness since my trip. i don't see why he now has to be completely inaccessible to me, despite other colleagues including his manager suggesting i talk to him to get a feel for how he's approaching the job. HE kissed ME like, HE chased ME while I was there, spent a whole 2 evenings with me and now he's intent on acting like i dont exist??!

Should I just swerve him entirely and get on with things here?

ElizaBennett

That would really annoy me from a work perspective. Why don't you email him seeking advice/ input etc and cc in your boss, his boss, others in dept so he can't be ignorant and ignore you. Who knows what's going on in his stupid head...

Calypso Realm

Of course you could try but I certainly wouldn't contact him given his behaviour so far. Of course you could try but be prepared for the same thing.

For whatever reason (distance, met someone else, girlfriend, it really doesn't matter) his coldness/lack of response is his way to saying he's no longer interested in pursuing anything with you.

bitofabind

Calypso Realm wrote: »

Of course you could try but I certainly wouldn't contact him given his behaviour so far. Of course you could try but be prepared for the same thing.

For whatever reason (distance, met someone else, girlfriend, it really doesn't matter) his coldness/lack of response is his way to saying he's no longer interested in pursuing anything with you.

im not interested in pursuing anything either, but like is being a bit friendly and civil and professionally helpful out of the question?? it's just weird and makes me feel as if i was massively played by him, if i'd known this would happen i wouldn't have stayed out with him that night and responded to his advances.

ugh.

tara73

bitofabind wrote: »

more recently i got promoted into a role that he's already doing in our HQ, where his expertise would really be appreciated as its an entirely new thing for me and he's known to be pretty damn good at the job. i thought about reaching out to ask him a few questions, then i checked instagram and saw that he had unfollowed me. which is.....weird. given that and the lack of any communication with me lately, im now thinking he'll just ghost me if i do get in touch in a professional capacity and its just annoying me. we cant even be friendly like? pretty sure from his instagram that he's not in a new relationship or anything, not that it should prohibit him from being a decent human being anyway.

I can't read from your posts how he was 'unfriendly' and at this stage it seems to be all in your head as you clearly say in this sentence.

The thing I read is he unfriended you on Instagram and is not 'communicating' with you via any chat, texts or other social media anymore.
How do you know he's not professional and not talking to you about work related stuff if you contact him?

As somebody else said, it's his way of telling you he's not interested anymore in any romantic action. You say you neither. He was never 'unfriendly'.

Just ask him your questions and see how he reacts before you make something up in your head is my advise. Or if it's too emotional or whatever for you why don't you just leave him be, sounds like a big company you work for and surely there must be many other very skilled peple to ask?

Calypso Realm

How was your relationship when you worked tog before? How close were you two?. Were you both in contact before that time abroad.

I think from his point of view what happened that time has influenced how he now views you two now. Sort of muddied the professional waters so to speak. At least this sounds like he sees it.

It would annoy me too. If you want to contact him in a professional capacity then do. He might have come round after all this time!

bitofabind

we weren't close before. we worked on the same team but handled different territories as im essentially in one of the satellite offices, his voice was on a regular team call every week, i met him once or twice on previous office visits, that was it.

so in that sense, it's true that nothing has changed there. i guess in my brain, i don't see why spending time together should mean we cant now be friendly towards each other when im in a position of needing some guidance and all fingers are pointing in his direction. ive had a few colleagues say "have you spoken to X yet?" and i'm just like...no, haven't gotten around to it...

zapper55

If you need to talk to him on a professional basis then send him an email in a professional formal tone outlining the info you'd appreciate and ask could you schedule a call. Do not refer to the past kisses etc.

I think if you just rang him he might clam up. At least the correct tone in an email will signal your professional intent only.

Is he behaving immaturely? Yes. But that's irrelevant now. If you need to speak to him treat him like a stranger. Courteous but formal.

leggo

You got used a bit and that’s gotta sting. If you absolutely need to contact him about something, contact him and keep it professional. Don’t leave it at a situation where your boss would give out to you for not doing your job because it’s awkward like. If you’re just looking for excuses to contact him when you can contact someone else instead, don’t, just leave it. Simple.

I think you need to be a bit more honest with yourself here though. The above scenario is a simple solution to the issue you’ve outlined, yet I get the feeling it’s not the answer you want so you may as well tell us the actual question you want answered. Did you actually harbour hopes something more would come of this? If so, that’s fine, but admit it to yourself and we can help with that. Or did you get an ego boost that this good looking lad was into you and, now he seems to have lost interest, are you a bit deflated and wondering if you did something wrong? Again, the more honest you are with yourself and us the better we can help you. Whatever it is is probably natural enough and we’ll relate anyway.

bitofabind

I don't know leggo. I don't have particularly strong feelings for the guy and he's probably just reverted to form in that he was never particularly communicative w me before this whole thing happened.

i think i'm more pissed and a bit hurt that the whole thing clearly meant nothing to him and he's probably just a bit of a player whos used to getting what he wants from women and that he could lob the gob and then pursue me and spend this entire evening hanging off me and there's not even a bit of a friendship or friendliness to be had out of it? there's enough reasons for it to never go the distance and that expectation was never there on either side, but i kinda feel as you say a bit used and disposed of. i've been promoted into a more strategic team, something we actually spoke about on our date, it's now likely that our paths will cross a lot more and by essentially responding to his advances it's like i've made life more difficult for myself because he wants nothing to do with me.

clearly my ego is just a bit damaged from the whole thing. it's also coming on the back of a really disappointing dating scenario with another guy where i was treated pretty disrespectfully to say the least so the sting of it is a bit intensified maybe.

Calypso Realm

I never really got the sense B actually wanted anything out of this fling BUT I can see how this guys actions esp the unfollowing on Instagram (come on, who does that?) created and engendered a 'response' from her.

This was a deliberate act, a rejection in a sense -done for most probably no other reason than he has a girlfriend and he felt uncomfortable with this, nothing else. It wouldn't have happened at all, if they hadn't had that fling! I don't doubt anyone else wouldn't have felt much the same and would like to know the reason. I rem a friend of mine being a bit upset when an ex-colleague of ours unfriended her on FB once, even though they never knew each other that well when they worked together! She, nonetheless wanted to know why!

Calypso Realm

bitofabind wrote: »

i think i'm more pissed and a bit hurt that the whole thing clearly meant nothing to him and he's probably just a bit of a player whos used to getting what he wants from women and that he could lob the gob and then pursue me and spend this entire evening hanging off me and there's not even a bit of a friendship or .

I honestly don't think it's a case of this at all. I believe he's now moved on to someone else, nearer home! Someone he sees in person......LTRs don't work, esp for guys! I was in a similar situation when I went to uni and we were in a RL. Met someone else there and ended the other.

bitofabind

yeah the instagram thing is bloody weird. maybe he has a girlfriend but from knowing him a little i'd say it's highly unlikely, he's not had any meaningful relationships from the little he's told me but i know he dates a lot. it's actually what we initially bonded over that first night before we ended up together. and it's how he knew i was single and it prob gave him the green light! i was in a longterm relationship the previous times we'd met. he also adds lots of random hot blonde women to his instagram, presumably "dates" so its more likely ive just been replaced.

all the same it just feels unnecessary. we're colleagues and now we're colleagues that will have to collaborate and probably get involved in multi-million dollar deals together at various stages. why make it weirder than it needs to be?

ILoveYourVibes

Why is he being so cold?

The professional space isn't one in which a lot of emotions operate so people tend to feel like they are leaving that space when emotions enter the picture. When they start to have personal feelings people often can't find the professional space again. It can make them behave in an unprofessional or even petty manor.

He is being reactive to what happened.


You should also bear in mind. That things come across as different online or in writing. You can't hear tone which can alter context.

It could be the coldness is in your mind.

Always Tired

ElizaBennett wrote: »

That would really annoy me from a work perspective. Why don't you email him seeking advice/ input etc and cc in your boss, his boss, others in dept so he can't be ignorant and ignore you. Who knows what's going on in his stupid head...

I really wouldn't do that, it will look psycho AF. If he unfollows you after snogging you two nights in a row he's a jerk just leave him to it.

Rachiee

It really only sounds like he has stopped communicating with you on social media forums because now that you've been promoted to a similar position he wants to be clear that your relationship is purely professional.

Yes he could have sent you an email saying congratulations and no hard feelings about that date that we had it obviously can't be persued. But maybe he just found that too difficult to do and in his mind it was just one date and a bit of flirting, and fizzled out naturally, no big deal anyway.

Perhaps you felt hurt as you weren't expecting him to unfollow you on Insta, and foolish for enjoying your time together, but he hasn't done anything to indicate that you can't be friendly and professional towards one another. All he is done is removed social media from the equation.

You've nothing to be embarrassed about you were both single adults and went on a date together it didn't work out, and now you have the opportunity to work together in a different capacity, just continue to relationship in the friendly and professional manner you want.

zapper55

Cc'ing others so he responds is petty and passive aggressive. Dont do that.

I wouldn't be convinced he used you tbh. You both had a good time and it didnt go further.

I do think you are quite raw at the moment, as you mentioned, because of experiences with other guys. I'd definitely take a break from dating. Enjoy your new role and congratulations

bitofabind

yeah thanks guys. I guess I'll never know what's up with him. He follows about half the amount of people who follow him on instagram and maybe i just got culled in the clean-out, maybe it was the promotion, maybe he's dating someone else, so many things. other colleagues in my office have said they find him a bit dickish / standoffish in general, he was the opposite with me when i was over but i guess thats because he decided he fancied me for the 5 minutes i was in town and now he's reverting to form.

Definitely a bit fragile with the whole dating thing right now so i'm going to keep the head down and crack on with the job, i'm sure i can figure it out without needing to rely on him, i'm a smart enough cookie!

thesiegeof

Was it just kissing or did you have sex with him? Something similar happened to me but we had sex. Felt a bit used like you.

Mr. Incognito

You live in different countries.

He probably didnt want to make the effort.

He probably thought there's no point having a big chat or making a big deal out of it as we work together and I dont want awkwardness.

He has unfollowed you on social media. That's enough to make his intentions clear.

I'd just move on. There's no way that to assist you in your job you have to reach out to someone overseas. There are plenty of other people you could ask.

qwerty13

I actually think that he is being sensible, and you are making an unnecessary drama out of it.

You’re in different countries. You hooked up. Not the most clever move, but it happened. And now you are dissing him cos he likes far less of your meaningless social media posts?!?!?!

bitofabind

No sex, just kissing, handholding, flirting, all very innocent.

Querty I never said anything about him not 'liking' my 'meaningless' social media posts. maybe you're not a social media person, but it doesn't mean it's not a significant way that people interact with each other these days and deleting someone is a way of setting clear intentions that i don't quite understand.

And Mr Incognito, i work for a US company HQd in NY and all major decisions about the company are made from there. So his position is very relevant to my new role.

qwerty13

Ok. So you kissed, and while that was a recent event, he liked a good proportion of your social media posts, but he doesn’t anymore.

And now you are refusing to ask him professional questions because of this.

Is that what your saying? If so, my advice would be to focus on your work, and, as your colleagues have suggested, get his input ASAP.

stargazer 68

bitofabind wrote: »

And Mr Incognito, i work for a US company HQd in NY and all major decisions about the company are made from there. So his position is very relevant to my new role.

So then contact him in the professional capacity and leave the personal bit at the door.

bitofabind

bitofabind wrote: »

i got promoted into a role that he's already doing in our HQ, where his expertise would really be appreciated as its an entirely new thing for me and he's known to be pretty damn good at the job. i thought about reaching out to ask him a few questions …. im now thinking he'll just ghost me if i do get in touch in a professional capacity and its just annoying me.

bitofabind wrote: »

all the same it just feels unnecessary. we're colleagues and now we're colleagues that will have to collaborate and probably get involved in multi-million dollar deals together at various stages

bitofabind wrote: »

i've been promoted into a more strategic team, something we actually spoke about on our date, it's now likely that our paths will cross a lot more

bitofabind wrote: »

And Mr Incognito, i work for a US company HQd in NY and all major decisions about the company are made from there. So his position is very relevant to my new role.

Listen, the first thing you need to do is decide what you want from this guy. If all of the above is really true, then you just draw a line under this and move on asap, treating him like any other colleague. I wouldn't give two sh'ts what his reaction would be to any form of contact if I genuinely just needed to contact him for professional reasons and you shouldn't either if that's all you want here.

Clearly there's more to it:

bitofabind wrote: »

i think i'm more pissed and a bit hurt that the whole thing clearly meant nothing to him and he's probably just a bit of a player whos used to getting what he wants from women and that he could lob the gob and then pursue me and spend this entire evening hanging off me and there's not even a bit of a friendship or friendliness to be had out of it? there's enough reasons for it to never go the distance and that expectation was never there on either side, but i kinda feel as you say a bit used and disposed of ...

clearly my ego is just a bit damaged from the whole thing. it's also coming on the back of a really disappointing dating scenario with another guy where i was treated pretty disrespectfully to say the least so the sting of it is a bit intensified maybe.

But again, if you need to communicate with this guy to do your job, leave the above aside and deal with him the same way you would with any other colleague.

Ursus Horribilis

Maybe you need to stop mixing business and pleasure? Especially with men who don't live near you. I thought at first that that this was the previous man who'd let you down but I know now that it isn't.

bitofabind

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Maybe you need to stop mixing business and pleasure? Especially with men who don't live near you. I thought at first that that this was the previous man who'd let you down but I know now that it isn't.

Fair. i'm learning this the hard way quite clearly. i work a lot, travel quite a bit for work so its an obvious avenue for me to meet people. i clearly need new avenues.

wiggle16

I don't really think he was playing you. It sounds like it was just a fling to him while yous were away and he didn't expect or want further contact beyond that once it was over. He's chosen to show that by being unresponsive and unfriendly towards you - there's nicer ways to do things, yes, but he's probably hoping you would take the hint without him having to have an awkward conversation. It's a bit yellow-bellied of him but the reason he is being so cold is because he just wants to leave it where it was.

Look at it this way, if he'd decided to be friends and just acted friendly towards you, then considering the background you'd be wondering what his true intentions are and this thread would probably be titled "why is he blowing hot and cold".

bitofabind wrote: »

Should I just swerve him entirely and get on with things here?

This exactly. Just act professionally towards him and forget about what happened.

Always Tired

bitofabind wrote: »

he decided he fancied me for the 5 minutes i was in town and now he's reverting to form.

Definitely a bit fragile with the whole dating thing right now so i'm going to keep the head down and crack on with the job, i'm sure i can figure it out without needing to rely on him, i'm a smart enough cookie!

yeah the first bit there is exactly it. and you said other people think he's a dick. if it walks like a dick and talks like a dick...

also don't let it get you down! some clown who follows a load of blonde Instahoes but unfollows a nice actual real person after bluffing them into thinking they had a connection isn't worth a f**k. he might be really immature/selfish, lot of guys don't realize or care when they are leading someone on.

lainey_d_123

Always Tired wrote: »

yeah the first bit there is exactly it. and you said other people think he's a dick. if it walks like a dick and talks like a dick...

also don't let it get you down! some clown who follows a load of blonde Instahoes but unfollows a nice actual real person after bluffing them into thinking they had a connection isn't worth a f**k. he might be really immature/selfish, lot of guys don't realize or care when they are leading someone on.

Basically this.

I can never get over how many guys just don't care about how their actions affect the people they're seeing, full stop. I wasted over a year dating someone who just dropped me like a hot potato the second I needed some emotional support when going through a very tough time. I was absolutely destroyed. Had the darkest thoughts and seriously wondered if I'd be able to go on. He seemed very upset, tears and everything, and he told me he just couldn't do a committed relationship or meet my needs but he really cared about me.

He texted me about three weeks later bragging about having a hot new chick. As if it was all a bit of a joke to him. What goes on in these men's heads???

Sounds like he's just moved on now. Was probably hoping to see you again, maybe have sex, whatever, but he's decided it's not going to happen and doesn't see the point in keeping in touch socially?

bitofabind

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

Sounds like he's just moved on now. Was probably hoping to see you again, maybe have sex, whatever, but he's decided it's not going to happen and doesn't see the point in keeping in touch socially?

yeah lainey Im gonna choose to think of it this way and just move on, leave the emotions out of it next time i have to interact with him. ultimately it was just a random kiss and then a date, my problem tends to be i put my own standards on guys i barely know and think "he should do this, he should do that", when realistically he's gonna do what he wants to do and that's the end of it.

so many guys out there with different values from me and for whom a bit of intimacy is totally meaningless so i suppose its on me to have stronger boundaries rather than expecting the world to change for me.

this is the second New Yorker that i've had this kind of dating experience with in recent months and a friend of mine who lives there tells me it can be a sh1tshow as its essentially a buyers market for men, maybe it's time i steer clear from them from now on :pac:

Ursus Horribilis

Are you open to moving to the United States? I ask because you seem to be going for American men and what seem to be long distance relationships. That in itself may be at the root of your problems and how these men perceive you.

lainey_d_123

bitofabind wrote: »

yeah lainey Im gonna choose to think of it this way and just move on, leave the emotions out of it next time i have to interact with him. ultimately it was just a random kiss and then a date, my problem tends to be i put my own standards on guys i barely know and think "he should do this, he should do that", when realistically he's gonna do what he wants to do and that's the end of it.

so many guys out there with different values from me and for whom a bit of intimacy is totally meaningless so i suppose its on me to have stronger boundaries rather than expecting the world to change for me.

this is the second New Yorker that i've had this kind of dating experience with in recent months and a friend of mine who lives there tells me it can be a sh1tshow as its essentially a buyers market for men, maybe it's time i steer clear from them from now on :pac:

I don't think it's a New York thing, I think it's a modern dating/dating apps/city thing. As a friend of mine in London said, why would he settle down at 34 and have kids when he has endless possibilities of dates with young, hot women? As sad and as shallow as that sounds to me, it seems to be the way a lot of men think, and those who do want to settle down are likely to have done it already at this age. So you end up with a dating 'market' mostly full of people who still want to play the field just because they can.

I've also had quite a few recent experiences of men being really keen and then suddenly losing interest for no apparent reason. Very weird and it does a number on your self esteem. Don't know if it's a new thing people do, or if older men tend to do it more than younger ones or what but it's really headwrecking. Don't have any advice other than to say it's definitely not just you! Leaves your head spinning when someone seems so interested and keen and then BAM...it's all over.

Salthillprom

Being honest, if I was in his boat I'd have done exactly what he did if I'd lost interest. I'd probably have responded 'thanks' to messages where you congratulated him though. But, to me it is clear. For whatever reason, be it distance, loss of interest, met someone else...he doesn't want to be with you romantically. And perhaps because he crossed the friendship boundary on a couple of nights, he feels weird about going back to just being friends. Some people are like that and let's face it, unless you have a solid friendship before toh get romantically involved, it doesn't usually work that way in reverse.
OP sorry to be harsh but it's plain to me that he hasn't an interest. Yes he chased you and yes it was nice but that ship has sailed. I wouldn't contact him to ask for help in your new role, or advice. It looks a bit desperate to be honest. And surely there are other people you can ask instead of him.
He unfollowed you on insta. He doesn't want to see what you're up to. He could have met someone else. I'd leave him alone if I were you. I don't buy the whole persistence thing some people are suggesting you embark on. I genuinely think it comes across as needy and desperate. Just forget him OP and be friendly and professional if you meet him in a work capacity in the future. But certainly don't chase him or contact him again. You've done enough running after him post-dates already and it hasn't ended positively for you.

bitofabind

Salthillprom wrote: »

Being honest, if I was in his boat I'd have done exactly what he did if I'd lost interest. I'd probably have responded 'thanks' to messages where you congratulated him though. But, to me it is clear. For whatever reason, be it distance, loss of interest, met someone else...he doesn't want to be with you romantically. And perhaps because he crossed the friendship boundary on a couple of nights, he feels weird about going back to just being friends. Some people are like that and let's face it, unless you have a solid friendship before toh get romantically involved, it doesn't usually work that way in reverse.
OP sorry to be harsh but it's plain to me that he hasn't an interest. Yes he chased you and yes it was nice but that ship has sailed. I wouldn't contact him to ask for help in your new role, or advice. It looks a bit desperate to be honest. And surely there are other people you can ask instead of him.
He unfollowed you on insta. He doesn't want to see what you're up to. He could have met someone else. I'd leave him alone if I were you. I don't buy the whole persistence thing some people are suggesting you embark on. I genuinely think it comes across as needy and desperate. Just forget him OP and be friendly and professional if you meet him in a work capacity in the future. But certainly don't chase him or contact him again. You've done enough running after him post-dates already and it hasn't ended positively for you.

haven't done much running around to be honest, sent a "well done" email and that's about it. The whole time i pretty much just responded to his contact with me, that said i know the signs when someone is interested and they have all disappeared here so i have to take that for what it is.

tara73

see, it's very simple, don't fu** in the factory unless you are completely sure it's an honest thing and it's developing in a proper relationship which both parties want.

Sorry, but for me, you did all the textbook mistakes, got involved with a colleague on a higher position, who was 'chasing' you on a few days, you being thousand kilometres from home.

and to me, he sounds exactly like a player who's just up for an ego boost, the comments from your colleagues confirm this.

and either you are fallen for him or you were both on the same page, it was an ego boost for you too and it seems to eating you up he preempted with ending it.

just learn from it but I get theimpression you are into this games playing too. Ask yourself why you need this and if you want to live a life with this troubles in your life. Obviously it's exhausting, otherwise no thread opening about it.

pinkyeye

I've had more or less exactly the same situation in the past except I was mad into the guy but afterwards I just accepted he wasn't as much into me and went back to pretending it never happened.

Emailed him on a totally professional basis afterwards and we went back to normal.

Just pretend it never happened and stop worrying about Instagram, this is a work situation, you have to be a professional.

Lotus Flower

I don't mean to sound harsh OP but this is the second post I've seen in as many months regarding a colleague who lives in the US. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Even if these men are keen, they're not physically available

bitofabind

Yes. All fair points. definitely seeing that i've been getting lost in the emotions here and not seeing the wood for the trees. Just so happens that I've had a lot of work travel and American men are very forward!

i definitely need stronger boundaries and to stop losing sight of what i'm actually looking for, which is someone who is both physically and emotionally available. i seem to have a pattern recently so there's some issues i'm working through which should help with this.

anyway, thanks to all who have replied.

Rodin

bitofabind wrote: »

Should I just swerve him entirely and get on with things here?

Yes.

bitofabind

Calypso Realm wrote: »

I honestly don't think it's a case of this at all. I believe he's now moved on to someone else, nearer home! Someone he sees in person......LTRs don't work, esp for guys! I was in a similar situation when I went to uni and we were in a RL. Met someone else there and ended the other.

Thought an update might be interesting for folks. Turns out this is exactly what happened. I found out recently he’s been seeing someone since August or so, a colleague met her with him at a wedding last week. Kinda makes it feel like less of a rejection in a sense as of course he’s gonna cut me off given we had a “thing” and all that. She’s a beautiful blonde apparently which does no good things for my ego. But all immaterial now and fcuk it, onwards and upwards.

zapper55

And if he kissed you he prob thought you were beautiful too. Dont be so hard on yourself.

lainey_d_123

bitofabind wrote: »

Thought an update might be interesting for folks. Turns out this is exactly what happened. I found out recently he’s been seeing someone since August or so, a colleague met her with him at a wedding last week. Kinda makes it feel like less of a rejection in a sense as of course he’s gonna cut me off given we had a “thing” and all that. She’s a beautiful blonde apparently which does no good things for my ego. But all immaterial now and fcuk it, onwards and upwards.

Well this is probably the best outcome, no? It's not a personal rejection of you. You met him when you were both single, you kissed and flirted and had a fun time and shortly after that he started seeing someone, so he found it inappropriate to stay in touch with you. It most likely means he actually DOES fancy you and like you and so he's trying to set a boundary there. It doesn't sound like a relationship was ever on the cards due to the distance, so you don't seem to have lost out on much, really? It's a shame you can't ask him for work advice but surely there are others you can ask who you don't have a complicated history with?

Ursus Horribilis

I wouldn't get too hung up on the beautiful blonde thing. I think, no more than the other American guy, that distance was the biggest issue. Business trips sound like they're the grown-up version of holiday romances. When you get home and realise the other person is a lengthy, expensive plane ride away and that there's a time difference too, it puts perspective on things.

bitofabind

Thanks guys, all sensible words there. i've actively stopped dating since these two recently situations as i've realised my approach has not been a healthy one and the pain i've felt in each instance feels disproportionate to the situation at hand. it's probably why i'm feeling so jarred about this guy having a new beautiful girlfriend, despite it having no real baring on my life at all. He's just a guy that kissed me in a fleeting NY moment and i got too carried away in it all. there's underlying stuff that i need to work on for sure.

Definitely not going to be getting involved with 1. work folks and 2. guys that live abroad moving forward, as it's clearly not a good look for me!