Men finding me good company but not interested in relationship?

lainey_d_123 · 22-09-2019 11:02PM

howamidifferent wrote: »

Men have friends Lainey. Some of them women. Nothing wrong with that, in fact it's healthy. That doesn't mean that you would be only a friend! You said yourself you have male friends. But friends are just that friends. Relationships are different. If you make it immediately obvious that you want more by simply stating that you would like to go as a couple then there is no ambiguity. He knows what you want and will say yes or no. You will know where you stand. No guessing. Take a chance and reap the benefits of being straight forward or get the answer he is not interested. Either way you will have your answer. Grasp your chance. Life doesn't hand you anything worth getting. You need to work for it and take that chance. Worst case he says no, best case you get what you want and deserve in life which is a loving relationship.

True, yes. Just not so usual to go on holiday with one friend of the opposite sex. But hardly super weird, either.

Well, we've been chatting a good bit now. Think he's definitely interested in some way....what exactly he's looking for I'll have to find out.

Highroad12 · 22-09-2019 11:18PM

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

He said yes. And he also brought up going out for drinks again soon.

However, he also mentioned having hung out with a female friend this weekend, and recently gone on a short holiday with another female friend.

Am I just another female friend? Is he poly?

This is stressful.

You will just have to go along and see.....no other way to know

joeguevara · 23-09-2019 01:20AM

There's a couple of ways at looking at this. He felt comfortable enough to tell you he went on holiday with a female friend and was just that. Or if something happened then not really anything wrong either.

People on tinder aren't looking for holiday friends though. For loads of reasons I think an overnight in a place a couple of hours away is not a good idea. From safety issues to being way to intense.

Or if you are interested and up for an adventure go for it. I might be wrong but it does sound like the guy wants a dirty weekend away. Nothing wrong with that as long as both on the same page. Or it could be completely innocent.

lainey_d_123 · 23-09-2019 06:42AM

joeguevara wrote: »

There's a couple of ways at looking at this. He felt comfortable enough to tell you he went on holiday with a female friend and was just that. Or if something happened then not really anything wrong either.

People on tinder aren't looking for holiday friends though. For loads of reasons I think an overnight in a place a couple of hours away is not a good idea. From safety issues to being way to intense.

Or if you are interested and up for an adventure go for it. I might be wrong but it does sound like the guy wants a dirty weekend away. Nothing wrong with that as long as both on the same page. Or it could be completely innocent.

I didn't meet him on Tinder. He's my work colleague who I've known (a little bit) for six months.

leahyl · 23-09-2019 07:08AM

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

I didn't meet him on Tinder. He's my work colleague who I've known (a little bit) for six months.

I think that poster may have mixed up my post with yours Lainey! Apologies, cos I gave the story about matching with work people on tinder.

24-09-2019 12:05AM

I'd be worried at him dropping the line about going away for the weekend with another female friend. He's not going to say he banged her like a barn door in a hurricane, but this is the next best thing to drop a hint.

Going away like this so soon is a bit of a red flag IMO. You've only had one date.

lainey_d_123 · 24-09-2019 07:13AM

Deleted User wrote: »

I'd be worried at him dropping the line about going away for the weekend with another female friend. He's not going to say he banged her like a barn door in a hurricane, but this is the next best thing to drop a hint.

Going away like this so soon is a bit of a red flag IMO. You've only had one date.

Reread the convo and he actually said he was going away with a 'friend' next month. No gender specified. I think I got confused because just before that, he said he'd just been out of town for a friend's birthday party (and this one was definitely a woman's name).

I'm confused...I'm not going away with anyone. I was thinking of going on a day trip to another town to do touristy stuff/chill out and he said he'd be up for coming if I wanted company. This was in the same convo where he was asking about if I have any holidays planned (I don't, just little things like this).

seamus · 24-09-2019 08:06AM

You're overthinking it again.

He went to a friend's birthday in another county (with 20 other people no doubt). He's going away on a party weekend with another mate. All really normal things that normal people do. He's just making conversation, telling you about things he's done and is doing. Read his messages under the assumption that there is no coded message or agenda behind what he's saying to you.

I do think people here have misinterpreted what you've said also. You've mentioned that you might go away for a day trip somewhere. He said he'll come along. That's not a holiday or "going away". It's another date, albeit a day long one.

Would be a good idea to invite him along the next time you're planning on going for a hike. It's a good non-boozy way to get some private time together.

lainey_d_123 · 24-09-2019 10:38AM

seamus wrote: »

You're overthinking it again.

He went to a friend's birthday in another county (with 20 other people no doubt). He's going away on a party weekend with another mate. All really normal things that normal people do. He's just making conversation, telling you about things he's done and is doing. Read his messages under the assumption that there is no coded message or agenda behind what he's saying to you.

I do think people here have misinterpreted what you've said also. You've mentioned that you might go away for a day trip somewhere. He said he'll come along. That's not a holiday or "going away". It's another date, albeit a day long one.

Would be a good idea to invite him along the next time you're planning on going for a hike. It's a good non-boozy way to get some private time together.

Is it a date, though? Or is it hanging out with a fun colleague?

The lack of contact is a bit weird. He doesn't message at all in work (which is fair enough, it's work) and is very inconsistent outside it too. Last night he messaged a bit about what he'd done in the evening then just disappeared with no goodnight message or anything.

He's now suggested coming along on my day out AND returning for more drinks to the place we went last time, but then disappeared mid convo. I won't see him today or tomorrow as I'm working off site.

lainey_d_123 · 24-09-2019 06:17PM

Is it normal to be so inconsistent with texting/messaging? We had a really fun conversation on the Sunday night, a bit of chat last night (he disappeared abruptly) and then today barely anything. We exchanged a few words on the work messenger (I'm not in the office today or tomorrow) but nothing too friendly from him.

I really don't know how to read this. I'm getting hot and cold vibes from him. Super friendly to the point of flirty at some points and short clippy messages at others. Still hasn't given me his number - most colleagues would have, if we chatted out of hours, to save me having to log on to the work messenger.

But then...he's brought up going drinking again several times and also coming along on my day trip, and made reference to a dinner 'we' would be having.

Is he playing games? Am I being paranoid?

24-09-2019 06:53PM

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

Reread the convo and he actually said he was going away with a 'friend' next month. No gender specified. I think I got confused because just before that, he said he'd just been out of town for a friend's birthday party (and this one was definitely a woman's name).

I'm confused...I'm not going away with anyone. I was thinking of going on a day trip to another town to do touristy stuff/chill out and he said he'd be up for coming if I wanted company. This was in the same convo where he was asking about if I have any holidays planned (I don't, just little things like this).

You said :

recently gone on a short holiday with another female friend.

That's pretty unambiguous.

I see that you weren't asking about going away overnight with him. That all sounds good in that case.

joeguevara · 24-09-2019 11:23PM

If not overnight then I'd say go for it.

One thing is you appear to be turning yourself inside out. Rereading texts...getting mixed up. It sounds like a lot of stress for you. Relax and do what feels right. I know easier said than done but you will enjoy it more.

lainey_d_123 · 25-09-2019 09:15PM

joeguevara wrote: »

If not overnight then I'd say go for it.

One thing is you appear to be turning yourself inside out. Rereading texts...getting mixed up. It sounds like a lot of stress for you. Relax and do what feels right. I know easier said than done but you will enjoy it more.

I am stressed. I really like this guy. It's been a very, very long time since I had this much of a crush on someone.

I ended up unexpectedly in the office for a few hours today and we exchanged a few (nice, fun, a bit flirty) messages over the messenger. He didn't respond to the last one and didn't seek me out all afternoon so I just got on with work and doing what I needed to do, didn't bother saying goodbye when I left (it's a big place, and why would I?)

Got a message a few hours after I got home saying something along the lines of 'aww, was hoping to get to chat to you today

'

So then why didn't he? Was he waiting for me to go over? I didn't want to come over all keen and needy. I saw him go out for a coffee...he could have asked me along or even asked if I wanted one, and he didn't. So confused.

26-09-2019 08:16AM

I'd be tempted to just reply back and ask where he was so. No time for messing around

woodchuck · 26-09-2019 08:41AM

Lainey, you're seriously overthinking things now. If he's not as chatty on the messenger on a particular day, he's probably just busy in work. Maybe he'd like to talk to you more in person in work, but doesn't want to seem inappropriate flirting etc in front of colleagues.

Just go out for drinks again and do the day trip as planned. If you're into each other, things should progress naturally to kissing etc and you'll have your answer either way.

26-09-2019 09:13AM

bitofabind wrote: »

What do you do to progress it? For all you know this guy is interested but isn’t getting a green light. Why don’t you ask him out?

As a recently somewhat single man I'd like to give my input in that dating and relationships in 2019 is really scary. After the Harvey Weinstein stuff, and the #metoo movement I'm literally terrified of being too forward to the point that the girl will have to make the moves.

OP, why don't you ask him for his number? Or ask him out for a date?

lainey_d_123 · 26-09-2019 10:18AM

Deleted User wrote: »

As a recently somewhat single man I'd like to give my input in that dating and relationships in 2019 is really scary. After the Harvey Weinstein stuff, and the #metoo movement I'm literally terrified of being too forward to the point that the girl will have to make the moves.

OP, why don't you ask him for his number? Or ask him out for a date?

See, I find this absolutely ridiculous. 'Me too' was about sexual assault and harassment, not normal men making normal approaches. It feels like women are being almost punished for ever speaking up about harassment by men refusing to come anywhere near us. As if they think so much as holding a hand or brushing an arm will have them in prison.

I'm sure you're right and this is why men don't approach much anymore, but surely there's a world of difference between building up a friendship/relationship through getting to know each other, flirting and consensually kissing and some creepy colleague (or even stranger) getting handsy out of absolutely nowhere and completely ignoring all signals to stop?

I feel like this is off topic, though. Maybe should make a thread elsewhere about it.

lainey_d_123 · 26-09-2019 10:22AM

bluewolf wrote: »

I'd be tempted to just reply back and ask where he was so. No time for messing around

It does feel a bit like messing around, yeah. There was no signal to me that he wanted to chat, no asking me for a coffee, nothing. I guess it would also probably look a bit weird to do so, since we don't work together directly and have no reason to be chatting.

He is also genuinely quite busy at work, so I didn't want to interrupt. Maybe he was thinking the same. Gahhh.

lainey_d_123 · 26-09-2019 10:33AM

woodchuck wrote: »

Lainey, you're seriously overthinking things now. If he's not as chatty on the messenger on a particular day, he's probably just busy in work. Maybe he'd like to talk to you more in person in work, but doesn't want to seem inappropriate flirting etc in front of colleagues.

Just go out for drinks again and do the day trip as planned. If you're into each other, things should progress naturally to kissing etc and you'll have your answer either way.

I think that could be it, yeah. There's no reason we should know each other as we don't work together directly, so it felt a bit weird to go up to him and start chatting and maybe he felt the same. I passed his desk first thing while walking/talking to a colleague and he was looking my way looking to make eye contact (guess he heard my voice), I smiled and said good morning and he gave me a lovely smile back. Few other glances throughout the day. Might be reading too much into them, might not.

Well, since the original post we've had a few more chats and he's still keen to meet up and whatnot. I'd say at this point if he's not flirting, he wants me to think he is. I guess I'll hopefully find out either way soon. If he just wants friendship, that's fine with me too, I genuinely enjoy hanging out with him, but don't want any headwrecking stuff.

marieholmfan · 26-09-2019 10:38AM

Hi Lainey,

How good looking are you and how good looking are the men you fancy?

woodchuck · 26-09-2019 11:39AM

Mod note:

marieholmfan wrote: »

Hi Lainey,

How good looking are you and how good looking are the men you fancy?

marieholmfan, please keep in mind that per the forum charter, you should only post if you have advice to offer the OP.

In addition, the OP is under no obligation to answer questions.

lainey_d_123 · 26-09-2019 11:44AM

marieholmfan wrote: »

Hi Lainey,

How good looking are you and how good looking are the men you fancy?

Hard to rate your own looks tbh but I've been told many times I'm good looking and have a great figure, so there must be some truth there. I think I'd be better looking if I made a bit more effort (make-up every day, nicer clothes) but being autistic I need to be physically comfortable and dislike restrictive clothes and the feeling of make-up on my face.

I don't think I've ever dated anyone objectively better looking than myself. I do go for intelligence/humour over pretty much everything else, but there has to be something I fancy about the guy, whether it's nice eyes, toned arms, whatever. I in no way expect anything close to perfection.

lainey_d_123 · 26-09-2019 11:44AM

woodchuck wrote: »

Mod note:

marieholmfan, please keep in mind that per the forum charter, you should only post if you have advice to offer the OP.

In addition, the OP is under no obligation to answer questions.

I guess they're wondering if i'm punching above my weight. I'm not.

27-09-2019 08:26AM

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

See, I find this absolutely ridiculous. 'Me too' was about sexual assault and harassment, not normal men making normal approaches.

I work in a shared office space. I overheard a phone conversation recently of someone who works with a HR consultancy.

One woman reported a guy to HR for sending her an e-mail from his personal e-mail account because he noticed she was sad when he spoke to her last week in the staff canteen and if she needed to talk he would listen.. He used his personal email because he didn't want it appearing on her work email. The fact he used his personal email was the issue - as HR clearly had a copy of the mail, there was nothing sexual or even flirtatious in the mail and he hadn't thought anything of it.

I don't know what punishment he will receive but it will affect his career at the very least.

So asking someone out is several levels above this in terms of career damage. Theoretically the OP could report this guy for harassment already and he'd be in a lot of trouble and there's not much he could do about it.

So yeah a long winded way of saying men are rightly petrified of interacting with women in the workplace.

marieholmfan · 27-09-2019 12:39PM

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

Hard to rate your own looks tbh but I've been told many times I'm good looking and have a great figure, so there must be some truth there. I think I'd be better looking if I made a bit more effort (make-up every day, nicer clothes) but being autistic I need to be physically comfortable and dislike restrictive clothes and the feeling of make-up on my face.

I don't think I've ever dated anyone objectively better looking than myself. I do go for intelligence/humour over pretty much everything else, but there has to be something I fancy about the guy, whether it's nice eyes, toned arms, whatever. I in no way expect anything close to perfection.

OK so that's very interesting; I apologise for missing that earlier. Of course there has to be something you like - there has to be some spark of attraction or else there is only friendship.

Some of the ambiguities and difficulties you're facing may well be caused by a difficulty in picking up non verbal cues (they might not be but it is a possibility).

Could you perhaps use the fact that you are on the spectrum as a crutch that allows you to straight out say that you fancy people. Obviously if it isn't reciprocated that is embarrassing but having initially asserted that because you are on the spectrum you have to be a little blunter you can then PRETEND not to be embarrassed and so defuse the tension.

It sounded to me initially that the guy in question was being a dick to be honest and I think you may be building something out of nothing here (in this specific case).

Would you consider playing touch rugby or doing a martial art?

LegacyUser · 27-09-2019 11:36PM

Hey lainey.

It’s not you. Trust me.
This is a common complaint.

I took all the great advice on a recent thread about a similar issue and put my best foot forward.
Recently reached out to someone I believed I had a mutual attraction with and was burned. He won’t get the opportunity again I can tell you.

So. Here I am. Thinking what the hell did I do wrong? Why aren’t I good enough? Am I not goodlooking or smart enough? I could tie myself up in knots.
But then I slapped myself silly because It seems you don’t have to do much these days to be judged and rejected before you say “hi”. And that’s literally what happened me. The words are barely out of my mouth and I’ve been ignored!

As I said before on here, alot of men in their 20s and 30s out there say they are trying to find someone, settle down etc.. Sure don’t we all want to met that person.

The truth is a lot of them these days are saying this but doing another.
Saying they want to meet someone or potential girlfriend yet are still swiping online, hooking up with young ones years younger than them and ignoring worthwhile women who, like you, have a lot going for them.

Social skills are gone these days. Seems men I meet can’t hold a conversation or even bother to approach women anymore? Everything is done in a controlled manner now in the age of social media and people are very judgemental of eachother.

A lot of men are single and can’t meet someone because they aren’t looking at what’s in front of them, staring them in the face.
And it’s not that the girl in front of them isn’t good enough or isn’t good looking or smart enough. They are shooting women down and judging them before they actually have a proper conversation with them.
Like you said to me previously lainey, it’s almost laughable that men in their late 30s are sniffing around young ones who are 22 yet wonder why they’re still single at 38 and alone.

I’ll probably get a lot of guff for this but I’m only speaking from my experience and what I’m hearing and witnessing.

Lainey- there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you. From reading your posts, you are very switched on and engaging. Don’t change!!

HamSarris · 29-09-2019 04:20PM

Reallifegirlhere wrote: »

Like you said to me previously lainey, it’s almost laughable that men in their late 30s are sniffing around young ones who are 22 yet wonder why they’re still single at 38 and alone.

I’ll probably get a lot of guff for this but I’m only speaking from my experience and what I’m hearing and witnessing.

Lainey- there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you. From reading your posts, you are very switched on and engaging. Don’t change!!

I think this sort of vibe towards men goes to the core of the problem. The sense that how can these average men not want to date someone above their level like me? If a woman views men this way they will give off a narcistic vibe and the guy will be like – fair play to you how you’re such a great catch and all but I’d rather be single than have a second job making you feel special.

If a woman can actively generate positive emotion in a guy she will be ahead of 90% of the passive-narcissistic competition. If there is something in a guy’s life that he likely feels good about, focus on that or even create a date around it. Don’t be afraid to give compliments, show attention in your body language and don’t check your phone every two minutes. Essentially while a narcissist tries to put a person down to make themselves feel better, the opposite strategy is to try and build the person up, making them feel better about themselves and this positive emotion will become associated with you.

Think about this in terms of friendship – Do you stay best friends with high achieving people who constantly talk about their success or do you tend to stay best friends with genuine people who make you feel good about yourself.

In terms of the more basic dating strategy, the biggest trap most women fall into is having excessively high standards. If you find that every guy flirting with you is a creep, most men you date are too average and the few guys you connect with just want something casual – this is a evidence from the dating market that you’re aiming too high. And this isn’t about settling for someone who treats you badly, it’s more like rethinking whether that quiet guy in the office is really below you.

LegacyUser · 29-09-2019 07:02PM

<Mod snip>

I always thought if a man wants you in his life, he’ll let you know and there will be no grey areas because at the end of the day it’s either a f*ck yes or no.
I was making excuses for recent suitors - he’s too shy, he’s too busy etc
But I realised the mixed signal was the answer- they weren’t into me..

But Lainey, this guy is communicating with you and talking to you. He’s definitely into you.
Let him pursue you.

Men finding me good company but not interested in relationship?

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