What's the etiquette here??

ToddyDoody · 18-09-2019 7:24pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Must be civil servants.

The home of real scutter.

Deebles McBeebles · 18-09-2019 7:26pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Niall shouldn’t have gone into the 4th trap in the 1st place. Etiquette breaches everywhere. Must be civil servants.

I'd rather sh*t into my desk fan than do it in the last remaining trap tbh.

Bullocks · 18-09-2019 7:28pm

Deebles McBeebles wrote: »

Better to let a man die in that situation, Niall. Less embarrassing for all involved.

Yeah I'd rather die on the throne in bother than be rescued and have to face the embarrassment of being saved with trousers around ankles and ****e probably running down the legs. Nightmare stuff really!

Brendan Bendar · 18-09-2019 7:52pm

Deebles McBeebles wrote: »

I'd rather sh*t into my desk fan than do it in the last remaining trap tbh.

Hmmm hope the fcuker has a wire guard on it Dee.

Could burst a bunch of arse grapes kinda handy, or takes a chunk off the nut purse.

I’d watch that tendency,Dee

Deebles McBeebles · 18-09-2019 8:01pm

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Hmmm hope the fcuker has a wire guard on it Dee.

Could burst a bunch of arse grapes kinda handy, or takes a chunk off the nut purse.

I’d watch that tendency,Dee

Wouldn't be my first choice, Brendan. I'd still rather hoist myself up on the desk in front of a packed office and have that ignominy follow me around for the remainder of my days than go last trap standing. A fools game.

Brendan Bendar · 18-09-2019 8:40pm

Deebles McBeebles wrote: »

Wouldn't be my first choice, Brendan. I'd still rather hoist myself up on the desk in front of a packed office and have that ignominy follow me around for the remainder of my days than go last trap standing. A fools game.

Well at least have a colleague standing by with a sacking needle and hemp in case the bullet bag gets a rip.

Good man.

Deebles McBeebles · 18-09-2019 8:47pm

Words to live by, B.

18-09-2019 8:55pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Niall shouldn’t have gone into the 4th trap in the 1st place. Etiquette breaches everywhere. Must be civil servants.

Couldn't be avoided Johnny, there was an enemy at the gates. Danger close as an overexcited yank might say.
I certainly wasn't going to wait until lunch to see if anymore traps had freed up. That said, if I'd known what was about to happen I might have.

NeinNeinNein · 18-09-2019 11:46pm

What's wrong with entering trap four?

EmmetSpiceland · 18-09-2019 11:51pm

NeinNeinNein wrote: »

What's wrong with entering trap four?

You’re creating a “farty” barbershop quartet. Just head one floor down and you’ll more than likely have four stalls to choose from.

Sharp MZ700 · 19-09-2019 2:17pm

Should be referred to as a piccolo trumpet imo Emmet. Features in some of the world's finest orchestras.

gerrybbadd · 23-09-2019 10:12am

In a bad way today lads, I could use thoughts and prayers.

The daughter's birthday party yesterday. A full range of sweets, crisps, cakes, coctails sausages etc. Now, the aul sweets don't agree with my consitution at all, but i'#ve no self control.

Woke myself at 4am this morning with the farting. One arrived with such force, i was convinced the jocks were chocked full with shít. There was momentum and substence to it, enough that it pushed the fabric out, creating a "full" feeling against the cheeks. The jocks had been in fact, temorarily inflated with a foul air.

So up i got, straight into the spare room en suite, opened the window, and all hell broke loose. A bull after a silage session wouldn't have left the pat that emitted from between the 2 cheeks. It took half an hour for the flow to stop. The smell was cat malojin. The aul egg salad sandwiches were doing their job - wojous.

Got up this morning then for the drive to work, and the second I hit out on the open road, a chorus of watery angels began to sing in my abdomen. This could be touch and go, this jounrey - and I'd better not cough, this could spell disaster.

So I made it in, the purse lips have never been squeezed as tight. Into Trap 1, and pebble dashing would be far too soft a descriptor. It was more akin to some new age artist's offering. Brown on white porceline. Specks now littered the bowl, and I had the song "Vincent" playing in my head, as it did indeed resemble a "Starry Starry Night" except in negative.

Its gonna be a long day yet

Slideways · 23-09-2019 2:31pm

Lads, I think we can all agree that a good fart is a wonderful thing. Can ease the tensions of the day and the tension on the button of your trousers if it has enough volume.

Getting to the tone of this thread, when is it unacceptable to fart. A few examples..

I have to catch a coach from our work camp to site everyday, some thundering bastàrd keeps dropping the most eye watering farts I have ever encountered. It’s only a 20 min journey, should he hold on or just give himself a round of applause

You’re at a wake and going into the room with the corpse, it’s a big event and there’s a bit of a backlog that your caught in. The sphincter is twitching but you’ve been mostly wafting out harmless air. Big Tom is playing in the back ground as it was the deceased’s favourite. Risk it or hold steady?

My own drama was this. Was in for an ultrasound on a hernia. The lady giving it looked like Olivia Wilde from her House MD days and I was struggling not to get a boner as she foostered in amongst me twig and berries. Things were bad enough but I realised I had a whopper of a fart on pause. Tense your muscles she says. No sooner had I switched on the abs than a trumpet like a London Air Raid siren from the blitz came rushing out. Poor etiquette or just one of those things?

gerrybbadd · 23-09-2019 4:01pm

The Wake scenario is the opportune time. Try to keep it silent. Everyone knows that a dead body releases all gases after death. Drop bombs to your heart's content - nobody will ask any questions.

EmmetSpiceland · 23-09-2019 4:06pm

gerrybbadd wrote: »

The Wake scenario is the opportune time. Try to keep it silent. Everyone knows that a dead body releases all gases after death. Drop bombs to your heart's content - nobody will ask any questions.

The biggest “obstacle” would be trying not to laugh.

Situations like that, where it’s, wholly, unacceptable to laugh are prime opportunities for getting yourself caught up in a “giggle loop”.

Hal3000 · 23-09-2019 11:29pm

Myself and a friend popped out for a cigar a few years back outside a fairly respectable establishment. Without warning my mate let an ungodly roaster thinking the coast was clear. Seconds later an absolute peach of a young lady who’d been smoking around the corner went back in to the place. The look of disgust on her face. She looked like she knew a few people in the place so we didn’t bother going back in and just left.

Voodoomelon · 24-09-2019 12:23am

I still remember the year 1991 or so, me and my family were staying in a Novotel in Southhampton and me and my twin brother of 8 years of age went off to the toilet together after breakfast.

There were three cubicles and the middle one was occupied, so each of us went into the cubicle either side of the chap and proceeded about our business. 10 seconds later, there was an almighty eruption of cheek flapping, squeeking, thunderclaps and every sound you can think of as the middle occupant emptied his arse into the pan with extreme violence, like a bucket of spuds being thrown into a bath.

The very fact that i'm posting in this thread should give an indication of what happened next. Both us ERUPTED laughing in the otherwise silent toilets. Hysterical laughing; the fact that the other twin was laughing made us laugh ten times louder. I don't think either of us even used the toilets, we both ran out in hysterics back to the breakfast table, my mother still remembers it, wondering what on earth we were laughing at.

That poor chap, I always wonder where he ended up. Before the days of mobile phones too, he was probably sitting here with his head in his hands wondering what on earth just happened.

Brendan Bendar · 24-09-2019 12:34am

Voodoomelon wrote: »

I still remember the year 1991 or so, me and my family were staying in a Novotel in Southhampton and me and my twin brother of 8 years of age went off to the toilet together after breakfast.

There were three cubicles and the middle one was occupied, so each of us went into the cubicle either side of the chap and proceeded about our business. 10 seconds later, there was an almighty eruption of cheek flapping, squeeking, thunderclaps and every sound you can think of as the middle occupant emptied his arse into the pan with extreme violence, like a bucket of spuds being thrown into a bath.

The very fact that i'm posting in this thread should give an indication of what happened next. Both us ERUPTED laughing in the otherwise silent toilets. Hysterical laughing; the fact that the other twin was laughing made us laugh ten times louder. I don't think either of us even used the toilets, we both ran out in hysterics back to the breakfast table, my mother still remembers it, wondering what on earth we were laughing at.

That poor chap, I always wonder where he ended up. Before the days of mobile phones too, he was probably sitting here with his head in his hands wondering what on earth just happened.

Fcuker shouldn’t have been in a Middle trap .

Mugser · 24-09-2019 12:54am

Guy in our office treats the 3-row of cubicles like the confessional and he's the priest.. always uses the middle one, and his visits can be quite lengthy.. and if you're unlucky enough to get the call of nature when he's in there, he'll try to strike up a conversation, mid-evacuation.. tap on the dividing partition followed by a "Who's that to my left/right?" (depending on which of the other cubicle you'd be in) then proceed to talk about a match or some-such.

sligojoek · 24-09-2019 2:19am

Voodoomelon wrote: »

I still remember the year 1991 or so, me and my family were staying in a Novotel in Southhampton and me and my twin brother of 8 years of age went off to the toilet together after breakfast.

There were three cubicles and the middle one was occupied, so each of us went into the cubicle either side of the chap and proceeded about our business. 10 seconds later, there was an almighty eruption of cheek flapping, squeeking, thunderclaps and every sound you can think of as the middle occupant emptied his arse into the pan with extreme violence, like a bucket of spuds being thrown into a bath.

The very fact that i'm posting in this thread should give an indication of what happened next. Both us ERUPTED laughing in the otherwise silent toilets. Hysterical laughing; the fact that the other twin was laughing made us laugh ten times louder. I don't think either of us even used the toilets, we both ran out in hysterics back to the breakfast table, my mother still remembers it, wondering what on earth we were laughing at.

That poor chap, I always wonder where he ended up. Before the days of mobile phones too, he was probably sitting here with his head in his hands wondering what on earth just happened.

That "Triggered" a memory.

Back when I was about 10 my mother sent me across the road to the neighbours' for something one morning before school. The "lady of the house" went upstairs to get what my mother wanted and left me waiting in a little hall between the kitchen and the toilet. Next thing I heard the above mentioned "Bag of spuds being emptied into the bath". Followed by "Thanks be to Jaysus". After about 20 seconds of silence I heard. "Anne, there's no fuckin muck paper, Anne... Anne". Next thing the toilet door opened and Anne's husband looked at me and nearly died. Then said "Ah Joe... Go over to the press under the sink and get me a roll of "Muck paper".

Bullocks · 24-09-2019 7:06am

Slideways wrote: »

Lads, I think we can all agree that a good fart is a wonderful thing. Can ease the tensions of the day and the tension on the button of your trousers if it has enough volume.

Getting to the tone of this thread, when is it unacceptable to fart. A few examples..

I have to catch a coach from our work camp to site everyday, some thundering bastàrd keeps dropping the most eye watering farts I have ever encountered. It’s only a 20 min journey, should he hold on or just give himself a round of applause

You’re at a wake and going into the room with the corpse, it’s a big event and there’s a bit of a backlog that your caught in. The sphincter is twitching but you’ve been mostly wafting out harmless air. Big Tom is playing in the back ground as it was the deceased’s favourite. Risk it or hold steady?

My own drama was this. Was in for an ultrasound on a hernia. The lady giving it looked like Olivia Wilde from her House MD days and I was struggling not to get a boner as she foostered in amongst me twig and berries. Things were bad enough but I realised I had a whopper of a fart on pause. Tense your muscles she says. No sooner had I switched on the abs than a trumpet like a London Air Raid siren from the blitz came rushing out. Poor etiquette or just one of those things?

Belt away in all three scenarios I'd say , especially the wake . Wakes can be better than any wedding if the crowd is right . I was at a friends fathers wake last year . Yer man has 5 sons just mad for the craic/devilment and they were in flying form at the wake . In walks "John " up the road and his wife ,both of them hand out communion at mass kinda people and wouldn't be the most liked around but one the sons took them in and gave them both a massive glass of jemmy each . The wife didn't drink so John had hers . He got rosy in the cheeks straight away (probably had a quarter bottle of whiskey between the two big glasses ) then another son so he was getting drunk so he poured another massive glass despite protests that they must go and all that .
I was chatting to the boys and they told me John was a ****er for the sweetstuff and for the craic they were going to see how much cake they could fill him with aswell as drink . Long story short over the next few hours they shoveled buns , apple tart egg sambos , chicken bits , puff pastries and a geansai load more of jemmy . John got drunk (loaded really ) , wouldn't listen to the wife about going home or stopping eating or drinking . He was out in a gaezebo with all the grub when his legs eventually gave way and he nearly pulled it down .
The sons had to grab a corner each of him to get him out in the car , nearly at the car when the smell came ....the poor ****er had pooped himself .Terrible bang but no one minded really . One of the funniest wakes I was at

Brendan Bendar · 24-09-2019 9:13am

That’s ‘Pat’ for you, can’t resist the free stuff.

Have to admit I ‘hosed myself’ on the 16th hole of the club after a feed of chicken tenders and a half slab of Polands finest the night before.

Luckily it was raining and windy and had the ‘slicks ‘ on so just tightened up the ankle straps and stayed as far from the others as I could.

Deliberately blew the drive on the 18th out of the playing area so I wouldn’t have to go on the green.

Hit for the motor straight away and horsed the lot into a clothes bank on the way.

Had to sit on the dogs blanket for the rest of the trip and had to make sure no prying eyes around the casa as I exited the motor.

Very traumatic, in fairness

JohnnyFlash · 24-09-2019 9:34am

Doesn’t sound great, Brendan. What score did you shoot? Always play a round with an empty chamber is my advice; my putting goes to hell in a hand basket if I’m turtle heading.

Was motoring down the M3 this morning and decided to stop in the service area for a coffee, a shîte, and 20 Marlboro. Headed into the jacks and they were very busy - loads of fat salesmen and truck drivers. Not good I thought.

Spotted that the last stall was available and headed down. The lid was down. What does one do? Open up Pandora’s Bog and discover that inside are all the horrors and evil in the world? Or risk shïtting yourself?

So I opened the lid. Some cünt had put down a serious blanket first and left about a foot of ‘wet turf’ down on top of it. Not even an attempt to flush. The fùcking smell that hit me nostrils would knock back a charging bull. Disgusting. Put me off my flat white.

Brendan Bendar · 24-09-2019 9:53am

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Doesn’t sound great, Brendan. What score did you shoot? Always play a round with an empty chamber is my advice; my putting goes to hell in a hand basket if I’m turtle heading.

Was motoring down the M3 this morning and decided to stop in the service area for a coffee, a shîte, and 20 Marlboro. Headed into the jacks and they were very busy - loads of fat salesmen and truck drivers. Not good I thought.

Spotted that the last stall was available and headed down. The lid was down. What does one do? Open up Pandora’s Bog and discover that inside are all the horrors and evil in the world? Or risk shïtting yourself?

So I opened the lid. Some cünt had put down a serious blanket first and left about a foot of ‘wet turf’ down on top of it. Not even an attempt to flush. The fùcking smell that hit me nostrils would knock back a charging bull. Disgusting. Put me off my flat white.

Wouldn’t go near those M-way latrines John, fcuking 22 stone truckers with a days cargo of snack boxes and breakfast rolls building up to unleash peppery mounds of ripe scutther whilst covering the seat with arse tracery and stale smeg.

Scored 33 points in the comp but didn’t enter it in the computer as I couldn’t go near the club house also card not signed so a DQ for the Brenner.

Some blazer will probably take me on for not returning a score but I can take that without too much bother.

Aglomerado · 24-09-2019 11:58am

Arrived into Barcelona this morning. A long journey from Santiago, sitting on my arse . Arselona, I call the Catalan capital now because the first thing I did was a mega dump in Sants train station. Paid a euro for the privilege as well so got my money's worth.
Back to work on Thursday, looking forward to tallying up the scores on the flapping toilet door near my desk

Sharp MZ700 · 24-09-2019 4:26pm

Slideways wrote: »

Lads, I think we can all agree that a good fart is a wonderful thing. Can ease the tensions of the day and the tension on the button of your trousers if it has enough volume.

Getting to the tone of this thread, when is it unacceptable to fart. A few examples..

My own drama was this. Was in for an ultrasound on a hernia. The lady giving it looked like Olivia Wilde from her House MD days and I was struggling not to get a boner as she foostered in amongst me twig and berries. Things were bad enough but I realised I had a whopper of a fart on pause. Tense your muscles she says. No sooner had I switched on the abs than a trumpet like a London Air Raid siren from the blitz came rushing out. Poor etiquette or just one of those things?

Lesser men would have held it in Slides, but no you did the right thing, the manly thing. If she was foostering around while you were fostering, she knew the risks.
Hope you gave it socks.

24-09-2019 4:47pm

I was feeling hungry after the gym earlier so stopped and got a roll on the way home, arbutus bread, black pudding, rashers and two sausages. Absolutely delicious. It's coming back to haunt me now though. A series of white hot farts that leave the purse lips scorched and left a lingering miasma of burnt rubber around the gaff. It's building up to what is likely going be a thundering chite later this evening.

Brendan Bendar · 24-09-2019 5:02pm

Deleted User wrote: »

I was feeling hungry after the gym earlier so stopped and got a roll on the way home, arbutus bread, black pudding, rashers and two sausages. Absolutely delicious. It's coming back to haunt me now though. A series of white hot farts that leave the purse lips scorched and left a lingering miasma of burnt rubber around the gaff. It's building up to what is likely going be a thundering chite later this evening.

N, in my experience the presence of hefty farts with a bit of ‘weight’ behind them, the ones that leave the sphinct flapping like a well worn windsock in a 45k wind are usually indicative of an empty bowel.

It’s the loose watery fcukers that predict a loose smooth evacuation in the coming hours.

Never ignore those fcukers, never let the clutch slip on them.

Bad things will happen.

24-09-2019 5:37pm

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

N, in my experience the presence of hefty farts with a bit of ‘weight’ behind them, the ones that leave the sphinct flapping like a well worn windsock in a 45k wind are usually indicative of an empty bowel.

It’s the loose watery fcukers that predict a loose smooth evacuation in the coming hours.

Never ignore those fcukers, never let the clutch slip on them.

Bad things will happen.

Duly noted B. Sage advice as usual.

Brendan Bendar · 24-09-2019 5:59pm

Deleted User wrote: »

Duly noted B. Sage advice as usual.

Been there N, so I have the playbook on those lads.

Any kind of a ..hssssssss... before the blow is a good indicator of ‘matter’in the pipes.

Was waiting for an interview for a big job when the load ‘dropped’.

I put a little pressure on and sure enough got the .....hssssss...

Straight into the stalls and spooled up.

On brake release, thanked my lucky stars I went, as a thick sludge of half baked midden hosed all over the pan, wide footprint and the fent was foul.

Must have been a bit nervous.

What's the etiquette here??

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