How to exit with grace and dignity.. and regain self respect

Jaziel Scrawny Cranium wrote: »

I don't think it's even as relatively benign as him just not really caring about you, that thing with bringing other women along etc is the behaviour of someone who's actively manipulating people.

You can't "make" him respect you, or see how crap his actions have been. Maybe some day he'll hit some bottom and realise it himself but it certainly sounds like he has a long way to go, if he'll ever get there.

I understand the frustration on that front, and the difficulty you're having. I see someone above said this isn't hard, I disagree. Just because it's simple doesn't mean it isn't difficult.

So, while making the decision to walk away from this is great, you need to set yourself up to succeed. From what I can see here the only thing that's successfully kept him out of your head for any period was removing yourself to a different country, which is presumably not sustainable.

It sounds dramatic, but basically treat this like an addiction. Which means to break free of it you need to reorganise your life to limit your exposure, avoid triggers, and have support and accountability.

Delete and block him. Forget about that killer last line, the absolute max communication there should be beforehand is like "I've decided I don't want to spend time with you anymore, please don't contact me from now on". And the max communication afterwards is ZERO.

Where do you usually see him (including online)? What feelings or states (including drunkenness) or events usually prompt you to seek or consent to his company? These things have to change.

I understand you're not feeling great about yourself off the back of all this but is there a close friend or group of friends in whom you could confide? It's crazy how effective it can be to have people who will (metaphorically!) smack you across the head for romantic/sexual backsliding. Don't talk the heads off them about it, but don't minimise how awful his carry on was, and be explicit about the fact that you are done with him.

And also, just take a few minutes to yourself this evening and really really sit in how bad you feel right now. Have a little wallow. Notice the physical sensations of it (heaviness in your chest, feeling tears, stomach in knots that sort of thing), name your emotions. You need to remember, very clearly, how you're feeling right now. Because guarantee you if you run into him in 3 months and the charm is back on, you'll waver.

You also need to remember it if you ever find yourself being treated like this again. We are often drawn to the same kinds of people again and again without realising, a bit of soul searching on that front.


Look we've all gone out with an asshole probably. Don't beat yourself up too much, just start moving on. Good luck with it.