How to exit with grace and dignity.. and regain self respect

Redderthanever

Hi there,

Really struggling with a 'friendship' that has turned toxic and I really want to remove myself from. Basically I was dating this guy who was really into me.. until he wasn't. We had a messy breakup where we weren't seeing each other but still were 'friends'. I would come over to make dinner together, sleeping together etc etc, really unhealthy behaviour.. basically still hanging around when it was clear he wasn't interested in my anymore romantically (although presumably enjoyed my company).

I decided to go travelling, partly to get away from him and this situation because it was just dragging me down and I felt so stupid for caring so much and him seeing the hurt on my face was humiliating. I had a wonderful time and was feeling stronger when I came home recently.

I thought I'd be ok to start seeing him as a friend, as in many ways he's very charismatic and fun to be around.. a 'guy about town'. We ended up sleeping together again (idiot) and ended up heading out. We were having a wonderfully
fun time as friends, until all of a sudden, another girl who he has been sleeping up arrives.. without any prior warning from him, or even clarification from me that it was ok to bring someone else along.. I felt so unbelievably stupid and used. It clearly was planned that she would come along and he didn't even think to ask me. When I quizzed him about it, his response was that 'He didn't realise that this was a date'. So my question is, do I have any right to be annoyed? I just feel like I'm just an option until someone else 'better' comes along for him.

I'm just so tired of feeling used and abused, especially when I came home from travelling in a good place. How do I firmly stand my ground and get him to realise his behaviour is unacceptable.. or at least get him to respect me? I just want to exit this once and for all with grace and dignity. I honestly don't know why I still want him as a friend, because I really don't get much from him. I actually don't want to be with him, that gloss has worn off, I actually just want him to treat me with respect. I feel my self-esteem from this whole experience has eroded.

Thanks for all advice guys xx

(It's not even the first time he has done something like this for full disclosure. We once made plans to meet up and then another girl arrived. They left together and he didn't even say goodbye but then claimed the next day that he was looking for me inside.. it was a small bar and he didn't).

nthclare

Sounds like a text book Narcissist, well rid.
No ifs or buts, just be glad you found out now and if I was in your situation I'd cut off all contact...

Wishing you well....

vinnie_cork

You already know the answer to this. Walk away, he’s not even being a nice friend anymore not to mind boyfriend. Build yourself and self worth. You don’t need others to make you happy you have to be happy in yourself.

fineso.mom

The only way to make someone see their behaviour is unacceptable is to stop accepting it. It's that simple. Dont put yourself in the position to be used. The trick with people like that (if you dont want to cut all ties),is to not expect good behaviour from them. Then you wont be disappointed when they inevitably behave badly. But it would be a lot better to just cut contact. There are so many decent people who are fun to be with...why bother with someone like him.

Augme

I don't really see how you can complain about his behaviour when it seems you haven't told him not to do it.

If I was him I'd assume you didn't have any problem as you haven't said anything and are still willing to sleep with him. Is he meant to be able to read your mind to realise there is a problem?

If you want to end this then just stop hanging out with him and stop sleeping with him.

Lapis Luzali

Theres two of you in it, he's stringing you along and you're letting him.
You cant make him respect you or even like you, the only person you control in this situation is you. If you dont like how he treats you then stop hanging out with him. It really is that simple.

LegacyUser

Augme wrote: »

I don't really see how you can complain about his behaviour when it seems you haven't told him not to do it.

If I was him I'd assume you didn't have any problem as you haven't said anything and are still willing to sleep with him. Is he meant to be able to read your mind to realise there is a problem?

If you want to end this then just stop hanging out with him and stop sleeping with him.

I have told him before how his behaviour has upset me sometimes, certain things he has done to make me feel less than. The thing is, he would swear a hole through a bucket how much he cares about me, how much he respects me.. Even going out of his way to tell other people how much he loves me.. But then pulls a stunt like that, so I know it seems like I'm being stupid but I feel like I'm being controlled and it's hard to break free.

Redderthanever

Augme wrote: »

I don't really see how you can complain about his behaviour when it seems you haven't told him not to do it.

If I was him I'd assume you didn't have any problem as you haven't said anything and are still willing to sleep with him. Is he meant to be able to read your mind to realise there is a problem?

If you want to end this then just stop hanging out with him and stop sleeping with him.

I understand what you're saying but I've told him many times how certain things he does makes me feel less than. It's hard because he frequently declares how much he cares about me, loves me, respects me.. Even talking me up to other people.. but his actions never mirror what he says. I feel like I'm being controlled or emotionally manipulated, always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I see a good side and then WHOMP get blind-sighted again. And I've invested so much in this person that I really want to believe he can be good you know. Anyway, thanks for your reply

Redderthanever

Lapis Luzali wrote: »

Theres two of you in it, he's stringing you along and you're letting him.
You cant make him respect you or even like you, the only person you control in this situation is you. If you dont like how he treats you then stop hanging out with him. It really is that simple.

Yeah I hear you, it just has been really hard to break away because he says one thing frequently (how much he cares about me, how much he values me in his life) and does something like that. Actions always speak louder than words though I guess. I just feel emotionally manipulated and wanted a drama free way to walk away with my head held high. Any time I try to explain how he makes me feel, it gets turned back on me but just ignoring his calls feels unresolved too.

Calypso Realm

You really should have walked away and stayed away.....for good the first time he lost interest. This way you would have retained your dignity and self-respect.

Why on earth you wanted to hang around is completely beyond me. Unless, of course he asked to give it another go, which he didn't, so now, sorry OP, all you are is an FWB. No wonder you feel used and humiliated.. But really, you can't blame him as you're allowing him to treat you like this by being available.

Lapis Luzali

Redderthanever wrote: »

Yeah I hear you, it just has been really hard to break away because he says one thing frequently (how much he cares about me, how much he values me in his life) and does something like that. Actions always speak louder than words though I guess. I just feel emotionally manipulated and wanted a drama free way to walk away with my head held high. Any time I try to explain how he makes me feel, it gets turned back on me but just ignoring his calls feels unresolved too.

He tells you what you want to hear so he can continue stringing you along, it gives him an ego boost, nothing more. He doesnt care about you. Theres nothing hard about it, leave and dont go back, problem solved.

otnomart

Have recently read an article about how staying friends with exes is quite a recent thing. It doesn't have to be; it has to be your choice.
And that extroverts people tend not to stay friends with exes, because they know they have other options for friendships (and for relationships).

Remind yourself that you do not need him for friendship, especially because (you wrote that yourself) he is toxic.
Despite his words professing to care about you, he is not giving you what you need.
You do not owe him an explanation for your "exit" as you call it.
So just cut contact and move on.

LegacyUser

You say you want him to treat you with respect but that's never going to happen. It's never going to happen because he sees he can treat you with no respect and you'll allow it.

I've been there, OP. I completely understand where your at. But for your own sake you need to walk away and accept that some people will just never treat you with respect. Stop looking to him for respect and look at yourself. You say that he's showing you none, but you're not showing yourself any either.

As for his talk about how great you are...well talk is beyond cheap; you can see he means none of those things when he turns around and treats you the way he does.

You need to cut him out. No big exposition or anything, just a simple text to say you don't want to be friends and then block, block, block. Or just ghost him. But do block him.

You cannot be friends with him.

Anna2834

OP I could have written this about 4 years ago...similar scenario...long story short, it turned out he was a psychopath with narcissistic tendencies...

Took me a while to get over him, as he was very charming and said all the right things.

One text did it for me...he never contacted me again apart from a reply to my text along the lines of " I don't know what to say bla bla bla"...no more validation coming from me....lost complete interest (if there was any) straight away...he is married now...poor woman.

As everyone else said cut all ties, the power is in your hands...you can only control yourself...

Good luck and please for your own mental health cut all contact with this man... and trust me I know how hard it is, as I was madly in love with him.

bitofabind

You can't make someone respect you. they either respect you or they don't. If they don't, you make a decision about if you want to be in the company of someone who doesn't give two hoots about you. most emotionally healthy adults with boundaries will decide HELL NO.

That decision may come with some discomfort and emotional pain because that is life. it's not always easy or pretty. you will miss him. you will be angry at him. you will feel the urge to seek answers and seek validation from him. you will ruminate. but here's the thing. We can do hard things like this. There's a greater good at play here, and that's that the more you distance yourself from people that aren't serving you, the more you gain in self confidence and self worth. the less likely you are to suffer fools like this in the future.

words are cheap. lads will say all sorts if there's a chance at getting laid or getting their egos massaged. words are just words. if they're at odds with their behaviour, that's a red flag staring you right in the face and telling you all you need to know.

you don't need a "drama free" way to walk away. you don't need closure. what you need is to look this painful experience in the face and decide that you've had enough. set up some boundaries and block this person out of your life. stop pandering to him and stop letting him control you. who is he, jesus christ? No, he's just another fcuk boy who's enjoying having his cake and eating it and you are actively helping him to do it. he's nothing special. take the reins now and walk away.

Anna2834

bitofabind wrote: »

You can't make someone respect you. they either respect you or they don't. If they don't, you make a decision about if you want to be in the company of someone who doesn't give two hoots about you. most emotionally healthy adults with boundaries will decide HELL NO.

That decision may come with some discomfort and emotional pain because that is life. it's not always easy or pretty. you will miss him. you will be angry at him. you will feel the urge to seek answers and seek validation from him. you will ruminate. but here's the thing. We can do hard things like this. There's a greater good at play here, and that's that the more you distance yourself from people that aren't serving you, the more you gain in self confidence and self worth. the less likely you are to suffer fools like this in the future.

words are cheap. lads will say all sorts if there's a chance at getting laid or getting their egos massaged. words are just words. if they're at odds with their behaviour, that's a red flag staring you right in the face and telling you all you need to know.

you don't need a "drama free" way to walk away. you don't need closure. what you need is to look this painful experience in the face and decide that you've had enough. set up some boundaries and block this person out of your life. stop pandering to him and stop letting him control you. who is he, jesus christ? No, he's just another fcuk boy who's enjoying having his cake and eating it and you are actively helping him to do it. he's nothing special. take the reins now and walk away.

Absolutely spot on. Couldn't have said this better myself.

LegacyUser

You need to get the notion out of your head that any discussion you try to have with him about ending your 'friendship' and walking away having restored some dignity is a nice idea in theory. The reality will be very different. People like him don't ever see that they are in any way to blame for any problems. If you have a chat with him the only think that will happen is you will walk away feeling even more sh*t.

When most people end a friendship they don't have a soap opera type sit down and talk it through. The friendship either just drifts away or one person makes the decision to stop contacting the other. You need to stop being available to him. He has told you he is not interested in a relationship with you. Listen to that. In general friends don't sleep together. You continued to be a surrogate girlfriend, calling around, cooking together, sleeping together, going out together but because he had told you he wasn't interested in a relationship with you, this was his get out clause for seeing, and sleeping with others.

He doesn't want a relationship with you. But you're a handy filler until as you said something better comes along. You don't owe him any explanation or discussion. Just stop contacting him. Stop responding to his contact. There will have been plenty of friendships throughout your life that have ended for one reason or another. This is just another one of those. You don't have to break up with him. Just fade away out of his life. He won't particularly care. To be honest, he might only notice when he realises you're no longer available to him as an on tap booty call.

bucketybuck

Redderthanever wrote: »

How do I firmly stand my ground and get him to realise his behaviour is unacceptable.. or at least get him to respect me?

You don't and you won't.

I just want to exit this once and for all with grace and dignity.

Really? Because if that was what you wanted you would just block him and move on. What is more important to you, moving on or getting validation from him?

He has made it very clear who he is and what he is about, the idea that you can get him to change his ways is just a pipe dream, same as waiting for some magic words that will somehow make everything he has done be ok in retrospect.

Grace, dignity and self respect. You are trying to get them from him when that is the last place you will find them.

Redderthanever

Anna2834 wrote: »

OP I could have written this about 4 years ago...similar scenario...long story short, it turned out he was a psychopath with narcissistic tendencies...

Took me a while to get over him, as he was very charming and said all the right things.

One text did it for me...he never contacted me again apart from a reply to my text along the lines of " I don't know what to say bla bla bla"...no more validation coming from me....lost complete interest (if there was any) straight away...he is married now...poor woman.

As everyone else said cut all ties, the power is in your hands...you can only control yourself...

Good luck and please for your own mental health cut all contact with this man... and trust me I know how hard it is, as I was madly in love with him.

Thanks for the kind words, I'm sorry you had to go through that too. Yeah it is hard, especially when you have invested so much time in that person and wondering what you did to deserve the poor treatment. It's hard to not to internalise that behaviour and feel responsible. Glad that you're on the other side of it.

Redderthanever

Great advice, I suppose I just wanted that killer last line before I cut ties that would make him rethink how he treats people but that's just me wanting closure as you say. Anyway, thanks again, you have all confirmed what I already knew but couldn't act.

SomethingElse

I thought this was a Brexit thread when I saw the title

TimeToShine

SomethingElse wrote: »

I thought this was a Brexit thread when I saw the title

You'll get scolded for this by the moderators but I thought it was hilarious

Anna2834

Redderthanever wrote: »

Great advice, I suppose I just wanted that killer last line before I cut ties that would make him rethink how he treats people but that's just me wanting closure as you say. Anyway, thanks again, you have all confirmed what I already knew but couldn't act.

Men like that won’t get it! My text was very short and to the point “Please don’t contact me again“!!! You can do this. It’s painful now but it will feel better with/in time.

bitofabind

Try to apply a bit of logic to the situation. You’re letting your emotions get in the way, which is understandable but entirely unhelpful.

So what if you “invested” time getting to know and developing feelings for this guy? In business they call this a sunk cost fallacy. Closing a bad deal for the business just because you’ve invested time and resources and are too emotionally attached to walk away. Making a bad decision based on pride and “goddammit I’m going to get my money’s worth” and making things worse in the long run. Good news, now’s your chance to stop investing all that time and energy in the wrong guy!

And where’s the evidence that you deserved this bad treatment? There is none. All that exists is the fact of his lack of respect for you and zero recognition of your needs. He chose to behave this way, that’s on him, not on you. Do t personalise it. You can’t control someone else’s behaviour. You CAN choose to not tolerate it though.

bottlebrush

Redderthanever wrote: »

Great advice, I suppose I just wanted that killer last line before I cut ties that would make him rethink how he treats people but that's just me wanting closure as you say. Anyway, thanks again, you have all confirmed what I already knew but couldn't act.

It may make him rethink how he treats other people in the future, but not you. You've given him ample opportunity already to rethink how he treats you and he hasn't.
Just exit quietly, no explanation necessary.

Redderthanever

TimeToShine wrote: »

You'll get scolded for this by the moderators but I thought it was hilarious

Made me chuckle!

tara73

he just used you for his sexual needs. nothing more. that's all you need to realise. praising you to other people just served this aim. it's a crass reality there are a lot of people out there who are that perfidious. thank god there are also some out there who are not like that.

glad the words here helped and you are about to kick him to the kerb.

but also realise, as pointed out a lot already, you played your part in this too because you let him treat you like that. you won't get respect if you don't respect yourself. Old saying but always true and not only for romantic relationships, for life in general.

Sephiroth_dude

Block him everywhere and ignore all attempts if he tries to contact you.

ElizaBennett

Make a plan OP for how it's going to be in future and take it one day at a time and stick to it! I had to get over someone before as I was letting things linger on and on going nowhere. I took advantage of him being away for three weeks and then added my own holidays on after that and various other distractions so that I didn't see or hear from him at all in 7 weeks (granted that was a few years ago and we weren't in the habit of messaging each other anyway, which makes it so much harder). those solid weeks of no contact really got me over the hump and opened my eyes to the fact there was no future. I'm talking about a person who was a very good guy and someone I respected who hadn't deliberately hurt me, so it should be all the easier knowing this guy is a waster who is only doing you harm. If you could do even one month of no contact I bet you'd be well on your way!

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

I don't think it's even as relatively benign as him just not really caring about you, that thing with bringing other women along etc is the behaviour of someone who's actively manipulating people.

You can't "make" him respect you, or see how crap his actions have been. Maybe some day he'll hit some bottom and realise it himself but it certainly sounds like he has a long way to go, if he'll ever get there.

I understand the frustration on that front, and the difficulty you're having. I see someone above said this isn't hard, I disagree. Just because it's simple doesn't mean it isn't difficult.

So, while making the decision to walk away from this is great, you need to set yourself up to succeed. From what I can see here the only thing that's successfully kept him out of your head for any period was removing yourself to a different country, which is presumably not sustainable.

It sounds dramatic, but basically treat this like an addiction. Which means to break free of it you need to reorganise your life to limit your exposure, avoid triggers, and have support and accountability.

Delete and block him. Forget about that killer last line, the absolute max communication there should be beforehand is like "I've decided I don't want to spend time with you anymore, please don't contact me from now on". And the max communication afterwards is ZERO.

Where do you usually see him (including online)? What feelings or states (including drunkenness) or events usually prompt you to seek or consent to his company? These things have to change.

I understand you're not feeling great about yourself off the back of all this but is there a close friend or group of friends in whom you could confide? It's crazy how effective it can be to have people who will (metaphorically!) smack you across the head for romantic/sexual backsliding. Don't talk the heads off them about it, but don't minimise how awful his carry on was, and be explicit about the fact that you are done with him.

And also, just take a few minutes to yourself this evening and really really sit in how bad you feel right now. Have a little wallow. Notice the physical sensations of it (heaviness in your chest, feeling tears, stomach in knots that sort of thing), name your emotions. You need to remember, very clearly, how you're feeling right now. Because guarantee you if you run into him in 3 months and the charm is back on, you'll waver.

You also need to remember it if you ever find yourself being treated like this again. We are often drawn to the same kinds of people again and again without realising, a bit of soul searching on that front.


Look we've all gone out with an asshole probably. Don't beat yourself up too much, just start moving on. Good luck with it.

Porklife

Jaziel Scrawny Cranium wrote: »

I don't think it's even as relatively benign as him just not really caring about you, that thing with bringing other women along etc is the behaviour of someone who's actively manipulating people.

You can't "make" him respect you, or see how crap his actions have been. Maybe some day he'll hit some bottom and realise it himself but it certainly sounds like he has a long way to go, if he'll ever get there.

I understand the frustration on that front, and the difficulty you're having. I see someone above said this isn't hard, I disagree. Just because it's simple doesn't mean it isn't difficult.

So, while making the decision to walk away from this is great, you need to set yourself up to succeed. From what I can see here the only thing that's successfully kept him out of your head for any period was removing yourself to a different country, which is presumably not sustainable.

It sounds dramatic, but basically treat this like an addiction. Which means to break free of it you need to reorganise your life to limit your exposure, avoid triggers, and have support and accountability.

Delete and block him. Forget about that killer last line, the absolute max communication there should be beforehand is like "I've decided I don't want to spend time with you anymore, please don't contact me from now on". And the max communication afterwards is ZERO.

Where do you usually see him (including online)? What feelings or states (including drunkenness) or events usually prompt you to seek or consent to his company? These things have to change.

I understand you're not feeling great about yourself off the back of all this but is there a close friend or group of friends in whom you could confide? It's crazy how effective it can be to have people who will (metaphorically!) smack you across the head for romantic/sexual backsliding. Don't talk the heads off them about it, but don't minimise how awful his carry on was, and be explicit about the fact that you are done with him.

And also, just take a few minutes to yourself this evening and really really sit in how bad you feel right now. Have a little wallow. Notice the physical sensations of it (heaviness in your chest, feeling tears, stomach in knots that sort of thing), name your emotions. You need to remember, very clearly, how you're feeling right now. Because guarantee you if you run into him in 3 months and the charm is back on, you'll waver.

You also need to remember it if you ever find yourself being treated like this again. We are often drawn to the same kinds of people again and again without realising, a bit of soul searching on that front.


Look we've all gone out with an asshole probably. Don't beat yourself up too much, just start moving on. Good luck with it.

Wise words. This is all you need to know (young jedi). Op, seriously... you'll meet someone who actually deserves your time and you'll be so glad you took this advice ...that's if you take it. Read through your post again, reflect upon all the advice given and take this one and run. He doesn't care about you. To him you are nothing. Prove him wrong.

Redderthanever

tara73 wrote: »

he just used you for his sexual needs. nothing more. that's all you need to realise. praising you to other people just served this aim. it's a crass reality there are a lot of people out there who are that perfidious. thank god there are also some out there who are not like that.

glad the words here helped and you are about to kick him to the kerb.

but also realise, as pointed out a lot already, you played your part in this too because you let him treat you like that. you won't get respect if you don't respect yourself. Old saying but always true and not only for romantic relationships, for life in general.

Definitely think a bit of self love is in order here or I wouldn't have stayed as long!

Redderthanever

Jaziel Scrawny Cranium wrote: »

I don't think it's even as relatively benign as him just not really caring about you, that thing with bringing other women along etc is the behaviour of someone who's actively manipulating people.

You can't "make" him respect you, or see how crap his actions have been. Maybe some day he'll hit some bottom and realise it himself but it certainly sounds like he has a long way to go, if he'll ever get there.

I understand the frustration on that front, and the difficulty you're having. I see someone above said this isn't hard, I disagree. Just because it's simple doesn't mean it isn't difficult.

So, while making the decision to walk away from this is great, you need to set yourself up to succeed. From what I can see here the only thing that's successfully kept him out of your head for any period was removing yourself to a different country, which is presumably not sustainable.

It sounds dramatic, but basically treat this like an addiction. Which means to break free of it you need to reorganise your life to limit your exposure, avoid triggers, and have support and accountability.

Delete and block him. Forget about that killer last line, the absolute max communication there should be beforehand is like "I've decided I don't want to spend time with you anymore, please don't contact me from now on". And the max communication afterwards is ZERO.

Where do you usually see him (including online)? What feelings or states (including drunkenness) or events usually prompt you to seek or consent to his company? These things have to change.

I understand you're not feeling great about yourself off the back of all this but is there a close friend or group of friends in whom you could confide? It's crazy how effective it can be to have people who will (metaphorically!) smack you across the head for romantic/sexual backsliding. Don't talk the heads off them about it, but don't minimise how awful his carry on was, and be explicit about the fact that you are done with him.

And also, just take a few minutes to yourself this evening and really really sit in how bad you feel right now. Have a little wallow. Notice the physical sensations of it (heaviness in your chest, feeling tears, stomach in knots that sort of thing), name your emotions. You need to remember, very clearly, how you're feeling right now. Because guarantee you if you run into him in 3 months and the charm is back on, you'll waver.

You also need to remember it if you ever find yourself being treated like this again. We are often drawn to the same kinds of people again and again without realising, a bit of soul searching on that front.


Look we've all gone out with an asshole probably. Don't beat yourself up too much, just start moving on. Good luck with it.

Thank you for the stellar advice, really appreciate it. I definitely need to do some soul searching as go why I let him **** with my head for so long, when I had ample material to let him go earlier..

The whole thing is slightly complicated by the fact that I'm bound to bump into him at some point as we frequent the same places. Also, slightly more disturbing is that a close friend of mine and him have been 'liking' a lot of each others posts and things.. Which makes me feel strange as she knows most of the details of the ****ty behaviour. Obviously she can be friends with whomever she wants, it's not for me to say, but it makes me feel a little betrayed? and a little isolated too.. It doesn't really help the self esteem to be honest and makes me wonder am I the problem. I really don't know how to address it with her without seeming like I'm telling her what to do or seeming controlling.
Anyway folks, once again thanks, you've make me make the break for good I feel this time. Thanks for taking your time to reply.

rainbowtrout

Redderthanever wrote: »

The whole thing is slightly complicated by the fact that I'm bound to bump into him at some point as we frequent the same places. Also, slightly more disturbing is that a close friend of mine and him have been 'liking' a lot of each others posts and things.. Which makes me feel strange as she knows most of the details of the ****ty behaviour. Obviously she can be friends with whomever she wants, it's not for me to say, but it makes me feel a little betrayed? and a little isolated too.. It doesn't really help the self esteem to be honest and makes me wonder am I the problem. I really don't know how to address it with her without seeming like I'm telling her what to do or seeming controlling.
Anyway folks, once again thanks, you've make me make the break for good I feel this time. Thanks for taking your time to reply.

Nothing complicated at all, you're still giving yourself excuses. If you see him out and about just a curt nod of the head is enough to acknowledge him if you must, you are not obliged to engage with him in any way.

As for your friend, you are right, you can't control her actions, so let her off. If she wants to get involved with him she's had fair warning as to what he is like. It's something she might have to learn for herself. No point in feeling betrayed, you're not in a relationship with him, he treated you like crap, so you have nothing to feel jealous about. You feel betrayed because you had feelings for him, she might only be interested in him on a superficial level.

Also as an aside, if you can see what he likes on social media, it's time to delete him from your social media, no point keeping tabs on what he is doing, you need a clean break.

zapper55

I'm glad the posts have helped you. No harm to say to your friend next time you see her in person - hey I noticed you and x liking each others posts, you guys seeing each other? Though that would depend. If you thought shed say it back to him I wouldnt.

If a guy treated me like he did I wouldnt be impressed with my friend seeing her and I'd be wary of her and certainly wouldnt be telling her private things. No wonder you feel a bit hurt and betrayed. But better for you not to see it, why not just block him on social media?

ILoveYourVibes

Redderthanever wrote: »

Thanks for all advice guys xx

.

Honestly stop having any emotional reaction to him, that is what is controlling you.

What is your goal with him?? Self respect can't come from another person.

I will put this rather prosaically. What do you want to get from him?

I mean he isn't all innocence and light etc. He isn't someone with the right qualities for friendship.

The only person who gets to be an asshole to me is my boss. I need a paycheck.

Friends have got to have the required personality traits to be good friends. He doesn't have those. You aren't getting anything from him.

I know you will say you like him. Stop liking people and start liking how they treat you because people are their actions.

LegacyUser

For the original poster I highly recommend (1) reading up on narcissistic personality disorder and the effect on partners, they literally feed off your reactions, have no empathy whatsoever and are highly dangerous. (2) Cut off contact, just block them on everything, I would bet they are involved with your so called friend on Facebook (3) get a professional to help build your self esteem.

flowerchild

I’m sorry you’ve had this experience. Your confusion and hurt are very clear.

Trust yourself, you know what to do. Your thread title says it all - exit with grace and dignity.

You don’t have to do anything, have any conversations, explain anything at all. Just honour your own needs and your understanding of the situation you are in.

Remember that you are a good person, otherwise you wouldn’t be shocked. Turn off the lights you lit for this man, kick off your shoes, read a good book, go to films, do what you enjoy, and delete any messages without reading them.

You deserve to feel happy again. The first change comes from trusting your instinct and self-belief. Just walking away will build your sense of self. Let go self-criticism. We all make mistakes - the truly mature learn from them and move on, without punishing themselves or others. Best wishes.

osarusan

Forget about any ideas that will make him see the error of his ways or anything like that. Sticking around while trying to change him will just hurt you more. Above all, don't link your self-respect to what this guy thinks of you or how he treats you.

Tell him to f**k off, then delete/block him on everything, and keep him deleted/blocked.

Best way to regain your self-respect is to be able to look back, six months or a year from now, and see that you had the strength to get him out, and keep him out, of your life.

Whitestripe

OP, I am hardly in a position to give advice but I understand how you feel. Please put yourself first. If your friend knows the history and tries to go there she is not a real friend. I’d probably block him on social media so you can get a break

Redderthanever

One month on and I'm really grateful for all the responses. I deleted him off everything and although feeling sad, I know it was the right thing to do. There hasn't been any contact other than to replace some expensive bike lights I broke (I didn't want to be indebted to him in any way). Dropped them into his work place on his day off.. He made sure to txt me to tell me they were the wrong ones while hoping I was well. Didn't mention anything else. My relationship with the friend definitely has grown more distant, to be honest I think she just prioritises the party scene in Dublin more than maybe our friendship which is fine, so no hard feelings.
Once again, thanks for all the supportive, kind and sometimes frank words of advice. Yiz are legends

ldeayton

OP, I’ve been there....as everyone else says just walk away and cut off contact. You know you deserve better.

There is a problem: you will continue to desire this person and their company. That’s how normal people react to narcissists - it’s the trap. You will carry this burden for some time, a bit like a scar that never quite heals.

lainey_d_123

ldeayton wrote: »

OP, I’ve been there....as everyone else says just walk away and cut off contact. You know you deserve better.

There is a problem: you will continue to desire this person and their company. That’s how normal people react to narcissists - it’s the trap. You will carry this burden for some time, a bit like a scar that never quite heals.

The word narcissist seems to be overused these days. A true narcissist is quite dangerous and will go to extreme lengths to control and hurt you if you dump them (and even sometimes if they dump you and you don't go running back like they expected you to!) This guy just sounds like a spoiled, selfish idiot who is used to getting his own way and using people.

WIZWEB

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

The word narcissist seems to be overused these days. A true narcissist is quite dangerous and will go to extreme lengths to control and hurt you if you dump them (and even sometimes if they dump you and you don't go running back like they expected you to!) This guy just sounds like a spoiled, selfish idiot who is used to getting his own way and using people.

Narcissism is on a spectrum. He's not on the malignant end but he's shown several of the traits. Regarding the OP's original post this guy was obviously engaging in Triangulation. A typical trait of a narcissist where he involves a third party to initiate an emotional reaction and jealousy. Ideally among both to fuel him (Narcissistic Supply). He's also feigned ignorance which is a sign of Gaslighting another common dysfunctional trait Narcs utilise. They love their mindgames.

Narcissists love to stay friends with 'ex's' to play such games. The OP was a good source of fuel for him. Yes he's selfish as narcissists are. Narcissists use, abuse and control others through manipulation so I agree with your further points around same.

Very few narcissists are physically violent however emotionally and psychologically they can be extremely damaging. Yes they will often get into a Narcissistic Rage upon our escape. This may be the silent treatment for a awhile hoping the OP will disempower herself to make contact again. If that doesn't work then he's very likely to 'Hoover' again for more supply. They feed on our emotions whether it's affection or anger.

Total Non Contact is the way to go. The OP has made a good start on this. The trick after blocking off all methods of communication including toxic third parties 'Flying Monkeys' is to emotionally disengage. If the OP comes upon the narcissist I suggest displaying no emotion and walking right by. Otherwise he will use the opportunity to cause further cognitive dissonance, triangulation, hoovering/lovebombing and ultimately drama. All this can be achieved in moments. Think of him as dead to you OP. Stay away or you'll be reeled back in again.

Work on reducing your tolerance levels for disrespect towards you from others and build personal boundaries. That will help keep such predators away. If you were with him a long time there may be a Trauma Bond from your constant emotional highs and lows from your enmeshment with him. A good therapist will help you heal faster.

Whitestripe

Stay strong OP, you can do it

Redderthanever

Whitestripe wrote: »

Stay strong OP, you can do it

Followed your story top and hope you're on the other side too x x

Whitestripe

Redderthanever wrote: »

Followed your story top and hope you're on the other side too x x

Kind of, it's gotten nasty. At least I know now. All the best

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Whitestripe if you need more advice or to talk through new developments I'm sure the mods would reopen your thread if you messaged them, or you could start a new one.

You're under no obligation to of course, just know that the option is there.

Ye can do this girls, both of ye x

ashes2014

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

The word narcissist seems to be overused these days. A true narcissist is quite dangerous and will go to extreme lengths to control and hurt you if you dump them (and even sometimes if they dump you and you don't go running back like they expected you to!) This guy just sounds like a spoiled, selfish idiot who is used to getting his own way and using people.

I agree-many people have a couple of narcissistic traits but not many are full blown narcissists.