"I like you, but..."

As others have alluded to, there is an intensity to you that could come across as quite cligy and even a little desperate or possessive particularly considering there was no actual relationship!

From my own point of view, it would be an instant red flag if someone I had basically been on a date with and discussed seeing again had acted the way the OP did.

bitofabind wrote: »

OK. So based on the advice here I'm either desperate and clingy, or naive and wearing blinkers? So confusing. How am I coming across as intense and needy?
.

OP, I don't think you're needy, clingy or desperate. You had the disappointment of having your weekend plans cancelled at short notice in additon to the abrupt ending of something you thought was going somewhere. So understandably you're hurt and upset! So a lot to take in and deal with all at once. However I do think that level of daily contact was def too much too soon and something which is not sustainable in the long-run.

I, for one, do believe something did actually happen which made him cancel his plans-the exact details of which or the true extent of he may not want to divulge to you. For instance, in the case of the son it's perfectly possible it's more serious than he relayed to you- there may be drugs involved, the son might have had a few prior run-ins with the law before etc etc.( I worked with a few like this who would leave at a critical time at the drop of a hat if something happened to one of their older kids.) So for those 'silent' days this was his main and only focus.

Also, it's perfectly possible, although I wouldn't necessarily bank on it as only time will tell, when things have calmed down a bit and he's got time to reflect on recent events, he will be back in touch again! So in that case you have to think what you would want should that happen. However,not that I think you'd intend to, but do NOT on any account contact him at any point, whatever else you do!

bitofabind wrote: »

I guess I'm wondering what I can do to protect myself from this happening again? And if there's something in my behaviour that might've caused this hot-and-coldness?

You need to ask yourself why you are investing so much into guys you barely know? My guess is that you need to work on your own self esteem perhaps or not invest so much importance into finding someone.

Can't ever imagine being in a situation where I spend all my time texting someone I barely know. I have other things Id rather do with my time. I don't think it's ever healthy for someone to be investing so much of their time texting a relative stranger. If someone was looking to text me all the time it would be a huge red flag for me.

bitofabind wrote: »

OK. So based on the advice here I'm either desperate and clingy, or naive and wearing blinkers? So confusing. How am I coming across as intense and needy?

It wasn't "just a kiss" either, this was six weeks of daily texts and phone calls, usually lasting longer than an hour.

I just said intense for the record. I mean I think a lot of people get the disappointment you have, but also there’s perspective that comes into play then that kind of lets you shrug that off. This kinda stuff happens a LOT in dating: you have a kiss and text for a short while, make plans, plans get randomly scuppered when nothing seems to have changed. You just have to drop all those notions that were coming into your head and have no idea why, it IS **** like. The thing is most people can just write this off and be grand by the next morning. Whereas you seem to have put a lot into this and are talking about it like it was a 6-month relationship. Stuff like “I didn’t think he was that kind of person” lacks the perspective that you didn’t know what kind of person he was at all.

Your emotions are natural and you can’t control them, so don’t resist them or feel ashamed/foolish for having them. But at the same time try accept all of this, connect with it and ask yourself why you’re reacting this way and you’ll go far towards ensuring you don’t end up feeling this way again.

bitofabind wrote: »

Can they? I'm genuinely curious as to whether that's the normal / healthy emotional response here. Disappointment but "ah well, sh1t happens". I don't seem to be able to have that perspective, and that coupled with the fact that it always seems to be guy losing interest / walking away from me rather than a mutual thing or my decision...makes me feel like it's my behaviour that's the culprit here. I obviously need to learn how to control my emotions better.

I think it's because I'm in my 30s now and would love to meet someone, and because I don't use dating apps my experience is never that I'm casually dating a few people at one time, I'm pretty much focusing all my attention on one guy and obviously I get too invested too soon.

To sound like a bit of an eejit, can anyone suggest HOW I can change my responses and behaviours here? For context, it's not like I'm chasing these guys and messaging/calling them night and day, I pretty much take their lead as far as communication goes, but I just always seem to let my guard down and end up in this same position every time.

You seem absolutely lovely OP! Don't be so hard on yourself. In this instance it was his behaviour that was ****ty and not yours, you didn't do anything wrong.
Of course you'd love to meet someone. I completely understand, I'm in the same boat. Chin up though sweetheart, this will pass.

Stevieluvsye wrote: »

Hi OP

This is all a bit bizarre in my mind anyway.

Few questions to help me understand this

Have you been in many previous relationships?
Is it you think you are in last chance saloon relationship/kids wise?
Do you honestly think a long long distance relationship was/is going to work?
Do you think this guy thinks you're a bit nuts?
Do you not have real friends to ask for advice instead of posting to strangers on the net where you will get 50 different answers?

Why would he think she's nuts? Isn't the purpose of this forum to post anonymously to get objective opinions, the opposite of asking your friends?
Really mean and unhelpful post tbh.

Stevieluvsye wrote: »

Honestly, this all smacks of desperation. I'm sorry i had to spell this out but i'm sure other people here are thinking the same thing.

They have had 5 odd days of actual interaction, one kiss and the poor girl seems to be heartbroken

That's actually a fair point. I guess she just really really wants to meet someone.

bitofabind wrote: »

Yeah he was pretty OTT, I know you're right I guess I just got carried away as I liked him so much. We talked or texted every single day until recently.

Anything is possible of course, but I don't want to believe he had no intention on meeting me in Spain, he had his flight booked etc.

OP trips to Spain from America don't just happen at the drop of a hat. If he had booked to go to Spain it would probably have come up in conversation, now I assume you were operating on the basis that he had booked, but realistically it was probably an ego boost for him. You met him and ye got on grand, and he might have genuinely liked you, but the reality of him living in America and you over here meant that it was unlikely to get going as a real prospect. Texts and online chat etc are grand but there's no real investment there when he's only met you once. My guess is that he realised you were seriously going to go to Spain and rather than say he was stringing you along, you got a spiel about a house party and then he cut contact.


He knows he can't continue having contact if you are going to push to meet up so he's nipped it in the bud.

But Her friends didn't advise her- they just agreed with her that he was a dick, and she came on here looking for a different perspective i.e. is there something she said or did to cause him to end it so abruptly. And it's easy to say that friends should be advising her - in my experience, friends are unlikely to want to burst your bubble.. Why would they - long distance relationships work out all the time.

OP - you say that HE instigated the whole trip was was doing the pursuing, it is also up to you to set the pace of how things are going. Were you glued to your phone waiting for his texts and phone calls and responding straightaway? (I realise the time difference may be a factor here). I don't for minute condone playing hard to get, but did you continue your life as normal over the six weeks or put everything on hold in case you didn't miss a text or phone call? You see, this could come across as clingy, even though you are only responding to him.

Above all, your text to him after the 5 days of silence "I was pretty disappointed to not have heard from him and he hadn't made me feel great this week" rings big alarm bells. Now you are telling him that your happiness depends on him. Very scary - for him. When you look back over your previous communications with him, you might find that elements of your way of thinking might have come across to him and he just decided to run for the hills.

Of course, it may have been nothing to do with you at all and all to do with his personal situation, but if abrupt break-ups have been a pattern in the past, then the key is not to build up your expectations, chill out, don't let your emotions over-ride common sense - think about it - you met a stranger at a conference and agreed to meet him in Spain six weeks later. And here's a question - lets say one of your friends suggested to you to go to Spain with her at such short notice - i.e. would you have done the same for somebody you know for years?

bitofabind wrote: »

I'm half thinking now that for the sake of my own self-respect and the chance that I may meet this guy or his colleagues at future events (which is quite likely), that I should send a light-hearted text apologising in a few days? The more I think about it all, the more I'm kind of cringing, but at the same time I know that he did let me down, I'd just hate the idea that anyone in my work life would think I'm unstable or something!

Why on earth would be think you're unstable? Please do not sent that text-it will come across as grovelling and a bit desperate. Since he was the one to cut you off, it's up to him to contact you first. Not clear what you intend apologizing for but what you say would largely depend on what exactly he says and how repentent he is!! Do rem as well he's in exactly the same position as you in terms of your work situation!