Shocked By Conversation With Wife

SozBbz · 24-07-2019 08:08PM

Carpenter81 wrote: »

Thanks for the replies.
To be honest I was never looking for revenge. I guess this was just some little creep who got her while she was drunk.

But still I don't understand why she never said I word about it. I have so many more questions but not sure if I should keep at her about it.

If she was just promiscuous when she was young she could tell me. But again I think the reason girls went with guys to this part of the club was to do more than kissing. I just doesn't add up what she is saying. Could a fella really force her to that ? Why didn't she just close he mouth if she knew what he was trying to do rather than just go along with it.

Maybe I'm being stupid over something so old but my wife is a goddess to me and I can't get this out of my head.

I am literally gobsmacked that so many women have come here to tell you their own experiences over the years and what you’ve take from it is.... that maybe your wife was promiscuous?!!!

Wow.

eviltwin · 24-07-2019 08:13PM

Well done OP on making your wife's sexual assault all about you and your feelings

strandroad · 24-07-2019 08:17PM

Carpenter81 wrote: »

Thanks for the replies.
To be honest I was never looking for revenge. I guess this was just some little creep who got her while she was drunk.

But still I don't understand why she never said I word about it. I have so many more questions but not sure if I should keep at her about it.

If she was just promiscuous when she was young she could tell me. But again I think the reason girls went with guys to this part of the club was to do more than kissing. I just doesn't add up what she is saying. Could a fella really force her to that ? Why didn't she just close he mouth if she knew what he was trying to do rather than just go along with it.

Maybe I'm being stupid over something so old but my wife is a goddess to me and I can't get this out of my head.

Wow, I thought that you were overwhelmed because you wanted to belatedly defend your wife. But you are in fact questioning her behaviour!

I don't think I ever said anything about the groping incident at 10 to my other half either. It just never came up, and it was so common at the time that I never considered it to be an event worth mentioning if not asked directly. So what?

Why victims don't always react on the spot: because you're shocked, sometimes drunk, and also because you know that any average man can choke you to death or punch you unconscious or tear your hair off your head so you know you need a plan to get away. One more thing that you should learn from this thread OP is that we are very well aware of the fact that on the average we can be easily overpowered.

Are you here to learn how to support your wife though, or to question her version of events?

notsoyoungwan · 24-07-2019 08:23PM

eviltwin wrote: »

Well done OP on making your wife's sexual assault all about you and your feelings

This. 1000 times this.

Many years ago, I was raped. It’s something I’ve long since moved on from, thankfully and day to day it doesn’t impact my life. However, about 12/13 years after it happened, I told my then boyfriend about it. It came up in a similar conversation to the one you had with your wife. I wasn’t looking for sympathy or a big reaction from him, I was just telling him what my experience had been. He ranted and raved, reacted with anger towards the perpetrator, made threats towards him (despite him not having a clue who he was)... I can still see him sitting there at the edge of the bed with his fists clenched saying “I’ll fcuking kill him” etc. not once did he do or say anything that would have been of support or comfort to me, it was all about his reaction. I can honestly say that I have never felt as lonely as I did that night, even though the man I loved and who loved me was sleeping inches away from me. I dumped him shortly afterwards.

This situation is about your wife, not your reaction, disbelief or inability to understand.

SirChenjin · 24-07-2019 11:33PM

SirChenjin wrote: »

'Just wanted to know if I am over reacting as it was over 20 years ago? Was this the norm with young girls?'
'Any advice would be great.'

I'm very sorry that your wife had that experience, OP.

I'm not 100% clear in relation to what you are actually seeking advice on?
How will it help you/ your wife to know if this was 'the norm with young girls?'

Genuine question.

I'm just reiterating my very genuine question to you, OP.
I'm aware that you do not have to answer, of course.

PressRun · 24-07-2019 11:40PM

Truly amazing that women have come into this thread to advise you on how to handle this with your wife and have even talked about their awful experiences with sexual assault, and instead of taking that on board, your response is first to start acting the John Wick, and then to question your wife's motives and essentially insinuate that there is some kind of blame on her part.
It's absolutely no wonder that women don't come forward, even to their loved ones, about these things.

Ursus Horribilis · 24-07-2019 11:47PM

Carpenter81 wrote: »

But still I don't understand why she never said I word about it. I have so many more questions but not sure if I should keep at her about it.

Maybe she knew you'd react like this?
And no, don't even think about keeping at her about it. What good will that do, other than to stir up bad memories for her. And worse still, make her think you're a possessive, insensitive prick. I'm shocked at your attitude to this. Why are you not showing her compassion, instead of thinking about interrogating the poor woman? How would you like it if someone found out about the worst moment of your life and proceeded to harass you over it? Stop it now, before you do damage to your marriage. Your "many more questions" implies that you don't believe her story.

I also find your comments about promiscuity and your wife being a goddess to be somewhat disturbing. Did you ever go to nightclubs yourself? Because if not, the view from that high horse of yours must be something else. Can you not accept that your "goddess" of a wife has a past? Or do you judge her about that too? Do you believe that all females who go to late bars and nightclubs are tarts?

Quite frankly, I feel sorry for the poor woman. This thread filled up with posts from women saying they've been groped/raped/sexually assaulted. Yet you still have the cheek to blame her for how she dealt with it? It's people like you who stop women coming forward. Let's just say my advice to you is to show some compassion to the leaving, breathing, real woman that your wife is. Not this mythological "goddess" you seem to think she is.

wiggle16 · 25-07-2019 04:20AM

Mod note:

I am conscious of the fact that a number of posters in this thread have very kindly shared details of their own experiences similar to those outlined by the OP's spouse, and I am also conscious that for some posts the time limit on the edit function has since elapsed. While I am not for one moment suggesting that posters should not share their experiences in PI, any poster who so wishes should feel free to PM me or one of the mods if they would like an edit made to their post in this thread.

Thanks
wiggle

Neyite · 25-07-2019 11:33AM

Carpenter81 wrote: »

Thanks for the replies.
To be honest I was never looking for revenge. I guess this was just some little creep who got her while she was drunk.

But still I don't understand why she never said I word about it. I have so many more questions but not sure if I should keep at her about it.

If she was just promiscuous when she was young she could tell me. But again I think the reason girls went with guys to this part of the club was to do more than kissing. I just doesn't add up what she is saying. Could a fella really force her to that ? Why didn't she just close he mouth if she knew what he was trying to do rather than just go along with it.

Maybe I'm being stupid over something so old but my wife is a goddess to me and I can't get this out of my head.

It's interesting that you call her a goddess. And that you now consider her somehow promiscuous because a man forced a sexual assault on her.

This reaction of yours is exactly why your wife didn't tell you before now. It's this reaction that keeps us from telling people in real life. And I'd say that if you have even hinted to her at what you've just said here, she's probably regretting ever having told you.

LegacyUser · 25-07-2019 11:55AM

notsoyoungwan wrote: »

This. 1000 times this.

Many years ago, I was raped. It’s something I’ve long since moved on from, thankfully and day to day it doesn’t impact my life. However, about 12/13 years after it happened, I told my then boyfriend about it. It came up in a similar conversation to the one you had with your wife. I wasn’t looking for sympathy or a big reaction from him, I was just telling him what my experience had been. He ranted and raved, reacted with anger towards the perpetrator, made threats towards him (despite him not having a clue who he was)... I can still see him sitting there at the edge of the bed with his fists clenched saying “I’ll fcuking kill him” etc. not once did he do or say anything that would have been of support or comfort to me, it was all about his reaction. I can honestly say that I have never felt as lonely as I did that night, even though the man I loved and who loved me was sleeping inches away from me. I dumped him shortly afterwards.

This situation is about your wife, not your reaction, disbelief or inability to understand.

this 1,000,000 times this,

i too dated a guy at 18/19 while my head was a mess due to being sexually abused as a child.

i don't remember much now of that time but i remember the boyfriends reaction when i told him and i remember how awful i felt, he was all indignant and how much he wanted "to kill him" because "good guys do that to the bad guys" he too reacted as described above, and to this day probably still thinks he was in the right to do so.

his reaction and later how the same boyfriend threw it back in my face during a heated argument as an insult to me added to the many reasons i didn't talk about it to people (other than a psychiatrist who i discussed it with as i got the help i needed afterwards as the boyfriend had me second guessing myself and wondering if i had imagined the whole thing, thats where his reaction to me telling him put my head) and confirmed to me he was not good for me. Please don't react to your wife like that.

I told my husband many many many years later and that took a lot from me to tell him after what happened before, i was so nervous but his first reaction was to hug me, his second was to ask me what outcome i wanted from the conversation...

OP this is your wife, this reaction is not helping her, its making it all about you, you need to step back and not see her as some goddess but as she actually is, as we all are, flawed human beings, she was in a horrible situation and dealt with it the only way she could at that time and is dealing with it her way now. understand that.

ginandtonicsky · 25-07-2019 12:34PM

Carpenter81 wrote: »

I just doesn't add up what she is saying. Could a fella really force her to that ? Why didn't she just close he mouth if she knew what he was trying to do rather than just go along with it.

Ah come on OP, this is disappointing. Read over the thread again. Young girls and women grow up with the understanding and underlying rhetoric that this is normal, it's just something you have to deal with and it's usually your fault for putting yourself in a dangerous situation in the first place.

Speak up and you get the "but whys" - "but why didn't you just say no?", "but why didn't you just yell and run away?", "but why didn't you just close your mouth?" Look at metoo and how that played out online, all over social media, all over certain parts of boards - "but why but why but why?" This is such a huge part of the culture that was allowed to develop in the first place. It's on the woman, who is in a vulnerable, precarious position, to speak up and yell and shout and make a potentially dangerous situation even worse. Rather than on men to simply not assault the woman in the first place.

Carpenter81 wrote: »

But still I don't understand why she never said I word about it.

Most women don't. It would never occur to me to share this kind of stuff with a partner, as it was just so rampant and so common and so normalised when I was a young teenager / early adult. All of the aforementioned rhetoric led to me dismissing blatant sexual assault as "just some creep, you find them everywhere" as a coping mechanism.

Please set your own prejudices aside and read through the thread again. This is a huge learning opportunity for you if you can stop resorting to lazy thinking like the above.

25-07-2019 03:20PM

From another man's perspective :

I think a lot of it stems from the misconceptions many men including myself had that

a. Since they themselves would never do something like that they have a hard time believing any guy would and

b. Guys who do stuff like this got away with it all the time since they spun it as getting lots of easy sex and most women never talked about it until recently.

To further complicate matters, there are guys who genuinely could easily get blowjobs in toilets etc off women who would pretend to be above such things. I've seen that too.

It's a bit of a shock when the love of your life to whom you have told your deepest secrets would hide something like this from you - so it's understandable to have a range of reactions.

They say the best relationships are about open and honest communication - something that had a profound effect on you should be shared with the love of your life.at some point, without judgement.

There was no upside for your wife, she was telling you this because she loves you. For this reason I believe her.

Equally anger on your behalf is a sign of love, but many women don't see it that way. In fact for a man not to be angry on hearing something like this, I would question if he really cares about his partner at all. He isn't angry AT his partner - he is angry that something like that happened to her and he couldn't do anything about it.

miamee · 25-07-2019 03:32PM

Deleted User wrote: »

From another man's perspective :

I think a lot of it stems from the misconceptions many men including myself had that

a. Since they themselves would never do something like that they have a hard time believing any guy would and

b. Guys who do stuff like this got away with it all the time since they spun it as getting lots of easy sex and most women never talked about it until recently.

To further complicate matters, there are guys who genuinely could easily get blowjobs in toilets etc off women who would pretend to be above such things. I've seen that too.

It's a bit of a shock when the love of your life to whom you have told your deepest secrets would hide something like this from you - so it's understandable to have a range of reactions.

They say the best relationships are about open and honest communication - something that had a profound effect on you should be shared with the love of your life.at some point, without judgement.

There was no upside for your wife, she was telling you this because she loves you. For this reason I believe her.

Equally anger on your behalf is a sign of love, but many women don't see it that way. In fact for a man not to be angry on hearing something like this, I would question if he really cares about his partner at all. He isn't angry AT his partner - he is angry that something like that happened to her and he couldn't do anything about it.

I think the fact that some men are more caught up in how THEY feel about something that happened to someone else is why women don't see it as a sign of love.

The woman has a right to be angry at something that has happened to her.

The feelings of the person who wasn't there, didn't experience it and suffered no ill effects from it are secondary.

In telling her partner years later, it's likely that all a woman wants is some empathy, comforting and a listening ear, not to look at her other half get riled up about how angry HE is. The anger is natural; allowing it to take precedence when your wife/oh has just told you something that is very personal, intimate and upsetting to her is a bit selfish.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 25-07-2019 03:35PM

Your reaction is not an uncommon one OP, but it is disappointing that with several days to process things and with the insight into how common these things were and are that you're still stuck at that stage and that you don't see how problematic it is.

Your feelings are what they are, none of us can help our immediate internal reactions to things but it is incumbent on us to then engage our rational minds and examine and, if needed, move past these feelings.

Your wife is still same person as she was before she told you. If you had her on some weird kind of pedestal that her relating her experience of sexual assault topples, that is, to be frank, on you and not her.

I strongly advise you not to ask her any more questions about this, she seems to have moved past this pretty well but the attitude to this that you're exhibiting in this thread is one that can retraumatise people, especially coming from her husband.

I don't really know what advice to give you. This is one of the most disappointing threads I've ever read.

Standman · 25-07-2019 03:51PM

Deleted User wrote: »

From another man's perspective :
...
Equally anger on your behalf is a sign of love, but many women don't see it that way. He isn't angry AT his partner - he is angry that something like that happened to her and he couldn't do anything about it.

Yes, I agree having a range of reactions is ok, and maybe the OP is doing the right thing by coming and asking for advice and should be given a bit of leeway for that.

However in relation to your part in bold, as a man I've always found this view so condescending.

For men anger is a sign of love? How about no - we aren't wild animals incapable of more caring emotions (even if some apparently find that image quite appealing).

If you initially get angry upon hearing something like this, it may be understandable but it doesn't make it right or laudable. It's actually something you should apologise for later. But in reality we often see people trying to act like this is some noble characteristic of us men. Guys losing the head, getting angry, going looking for fights and possibly getting in legal trouble - all the while putting their their OH through even more stress. Where in all this is the "love" that's apparently being shown? Who benefits from this?

25-07-2019 04:27PM

Standman wrote: »

Yes, I agree having a range of reactions is ok, and maybe the OP is doing the right thing by coming and asking for advice and should be given a bit of leeway for that.

However in relation to your part in bold, as a man I've always found this view so condescending.

For men anger is a sign of love? How about no - we aren't wild animals incapable of more caring emotions (even if some apparently find that image quite appealing).

If you initially get angry upon hearing something like this, it may be understandable but it doesn't make it right or laudable. It's actually something you should apologise for later. But in reality we often see people trying to act like this is some noble characteristic of us men. Guys losing the head, getting angry, going looking for fights and possibly getting in legal trouble - all the while putting their their OH through even more stress. Where in all this is the "love" that's apparently being shown? Who benefits from this?

This kind of anger is emotional and should be treated as such.

I'm not saying the OP should actually get violent and should go all Liam Neeson in Taken - I'm just saying that he should understand where it's coming from.

I'm also not saying all men (or women) will react like this but some, I would say many, will. He should try to explain this to his wife.

Men are criticised for not showing emotion and also for not showing the "right" kind of emotion. We aren't far removed from cavemen and women in reality - we need to acknowledge this as getting upset or crying is just as cave person a reaction as getting angry, but one is more socially acceptable. There is nothing noble about it.

Of course he should show empathy for his wife - but first he needs to work through and understand his anger and then talk to his wife about it. Otherwise it will just be lip service and sit bubbling away beneath the surface, and lead to resentment.

I'm also not saying a man getting angry all the time is a sign of love - quite the opposite. But in a situation like this it can be.

And as electro bitch said, it should be an initial reaction - not smouldering for several days.

25-07-2019 04:31PM

Meilani Whispering Barmaid wrote: »

Your reaction is not an uncommon one OP, but it is disappointing that with several days to process things and with the insight into how common these things were and are that you're still stuck at that stage and that you don't see how problematic it is.

Your feelings are what they are, none of us can help our immediate internal reactions to things but it is incumbent on us to then engage our rational minds and examine and, if needed, move past these feelings.

Your wife is still same person as she was before she told you. If you had her on some weird kind of pedestal that her relating her experience of sexual assault topples, that is, to be frank, on you and not her.

I strongly advise you not to ask her any more questions about this, she seems to have moved past this pretty well but the attitude to this that you're exhibiting in this thread is one that can retraumatise people, especially coming from her husband.

I don't really know what advice to give you. This is one of the most disappointing threads I've ever read.

I agree with this, except I hope the OP can see the error of his ways.

JustAThought · 25-07-2019 04:37PM

I agree with not asking her more but not for.the same.reason. blow jobs and full finger penetration? This is not normal and not representative of what a night ourlt entails. No doubt your wife was unlucky in some.cases but more likely it came.from risky behaviour. Scream at me all.you will but this range and frequency is not typical -it happened so much and so.often at this extreme on / drinking nights out ? Absolutely not normal so.much,so extreme and so.often.. ypu are right OP yo.think is is not normal or righy,and would be best to leave the topic where your wife wants it -in the past.

Scarinae · 25-07-2019 05:01PM

Carpenter81 wrote: »

But still I don't understand why she never said I word about it.

Deleted User wrote: »

It's a bit of a shock when the love of your life to whom you have told your deepest secrets would hide something like this from you - so it's understandable to have a range of reactions.

They say the best relationships are about open and honest communication - something that had a profound effect on you should be shared with the love of your life.at some point, without judgement.

I wouldn't consider this to be a case of your wife 'hiding' these experiences. As you can probably see from the responses to this thread, sexual harassment and even some degree of sexual assault are so common for most women that most individual incidents are not considered remarkable. She told you about some of her experiences when it came up in conversation, as you said in your original post:

Carpenter81 wrote: »

We were out having a few drinks the weekend when we got talking all the sexual assault / abuse cases coming to light in the past year.
My wife then said to me 'sure all girls have been assaulted at some point even I was a few times'.

I was very surprised and asked her when.
She told me they were all around the time she was 16.

Carpenter81 wrote: »

I asked her did she tell anybody about what that first guy did to her and she said she told her friend. But again they seemed to just shrug this off.

She probably hasn't talked about it with you before now because it never came up in conversation. If you are telling her what you wrote in your second post on this thread though, she's probably wishing she never mentioned it.

eviltwin · 25-07-2019 05:15PM

JustAThought wrote: »

I agree with not asking her more but not for.the same.reason. blow jobs and full finger penetration? This is not normal and not representative of what a night ourlt entails. No doubt your wife was unlucky in some.cases but more likely it came.from risky behaviour. Scream at me all.you will but this range and frequency is not typical -it happened so much and so.often at this extreme on / drinking nights out ? Absolutely not normal so.much,so extreme and so.often.. ypu are right OP yo.think is is not normal or righy,and would be best to leave the topic where your wife wants it -in the past.

Sorry but what relevance does that have? A sexual assault is still a sexual assault regardless of the circumstances and no matter how risky a person's behaviour no one wants to be assaulted or is less traumatised by it.

Is it any wonder people don't speak out when it's their actions and behaviour that gets judged.

JustAThought · 25-07-2019 05:19PM

This is not the Leinster Rugby (found innocent) thread. I gave my opinion to the OP. We all knew girls who engaged in risky behaviour and were loose and free with their favours - this level of constant abuse certainly imo is not normL for non risktaking females. One has to winder why she kept going back and the carelessness in putting yourself in a position where it could happen again. He is not talking about a grope. My advice to the OP stands. I'm not getting into an argument about it.

rainbowtrout · 25-07-2019 05:40PM

JustAThought wrote: »

This is not the Leinster Rugby (found innocent) thread. I gave my opinion to the OP. We all knew girls who engaged in risky behaviour and were loose and free with their favours - this level of constant abuse certainly imo is not normL for non risktaking females. One has to winder why she kept going back and the carelessness in putting yourself in a position where it could happen again. He is not talking about a grope. My advice to the OP stands. I'm not getting into an argument about it.

It may not be your 'normal' but that doesn't mean it wasn't hers. Nor does it suggest she was promiscuous (like the OP alluded to) or taking risks like you're suggesting.

She was 16 and going into an over 18s pub/club. She was dealing with adult men. She discovered that her friends also had those experiences. She would have had nothing else to compare it to at that age and given that her friends had those experience, then it's quite easy to see that 16 year old could normalise this behaviour in an adult environment, even though she knew it was not right.

If every woman was to take your line on it 'why would you put yourself in a position where it could happen again' then no woman would ever enter a pub or nightclub. Maybe she had lots of normal nights in these pubs/clubs but a few incidents stick out for obvious reasons.

woodchuck · 25-07-2019 06:20PM

Mod warning:

@JustAThought, that's enough of the victim blaming.

LegacyUser · 25-07-2019 06:23PM

JustAThought wrote: »

I agree with not asking her more but not for.the same.reason. blow jobs and full finger penetration? This is not normal and not representative of what a night ourlt entails. No doubt your wife was unlucky in some.cases but more likely it came.from risky behaviour. Scream at me all.you will but this range and frequency is not typical -it happened so much and so.often at this extreme on / drinking nights out ? Absolutely not normal so.much,so extreme and so.often.. ypu are right OP yo.think is is not normal or righy,and would be best to leave the topic where your wife wants it -in the past.

Stop blaming women for the violent actions of others. Just fu*king stop. We have a right to live our lives freely. We shouldn't have to live like nuns to stop violence being visited upon us.

You and the OP are doubting his wife's statement, even after countless posts from other women confirming that this happens!! To too many women!! Still you doubt it.

You say it's not representative of what happens on a night out, yet how many stories here have told you otherwise? And it's not just on nights out, but as shown, using public transport, minding one's own business and going about one's day to day activities.

Rape is recognised as a weapon of war, it's that prevalent. Babies, 80 year old women, women who never drink, never go out, who are covered head to toe are raped, they are sexually abused/assaulted, so kindly stop your nonsense talk.

As for you, OP. Unless you are going to approach your wife with kindness and compassion, do not speak any further to her about this. You'll only do more damage.

Ursus Horribilis · 25-07-2019 07:11PM

OP, it's also worth remembering that this happened when your wife was 16. I think that bit has completely eluded you. She was still a kid, though I'm sure she thought she was very grown up at that age. 16 year old girls (and lads) aren't as clever or clued in as they think they are. They might have the bodies of young adults but they are naive as hell in some ways. And for many underage teens, getting into pubs and nightclubs is a bit of a rite of passage. And to be fair, getting the shift (or whatever is called these days) was part of the experimentation too. Did you never kiss girls you barely knew in nightclubs?

My guess is that this creep knew this venue was frequented by underage girls trying to pretend they were grown up. Naive girls who hadn't yet honed their creep detection skills or knew how to hold their drink. And he took advantage of her. He probably did it to other girls too. Are they promiscuous too?

qwerty13 · 25-07-2019 07:49PM

This thread just makes me sad. I truly don’t understand how you can profess to love your wife OP, and yet seem to be searching for a way to find fault with her over something bad that happened to her in her teens. It’s really depressing.

Edit to add: people can be ‘promiscuous’ if they want to be. Male or female. That still doesn’t mean that anyone should be actively forced, or coerced through fear / embarrassment / pressure into doing something that they aren’t comfortable with. A woman - or man - could love having frequent sex with many different partners. That does not mean that it’s ok to expect or force or coerce a person into doing anything they don’t want to. I’m not sure you’re seeing that point OP.

leggo · 25-07-2019 08:22PM

Ah here, the overreactions are getting hysterical at this stage. Guys do you realise you’re also shaming the OP for shaming?

What’s happened here is the OP got sent into a tailspin of emotions after hearing something quite distressing happened to his wife that he didn’t know about. Natural. It’s not something he’d be familiar with (hence the woman who suffered these things marrying him, I’d venture to say), so he’s shocked. Natural. This tailspin is making him question everything and he’s so shocked he’s even wondering if it’s true, and he’s vomiting out all of those kind of thoughts that go through our heads before we cop ourselves on.

PI should be a safe space for people to be able to do that without being jumped on. It can be difficult to be the partner of someone who’s gone through something difficult or traumatic, when you care about a person so much and hear they’ve suffered, you want to take that away. So maybe let’s be a bit compassionate and allow someone some leeway to work through their thoughts. Remember, once again, the woman you’re defending here married this man and obviously thinks he’s alright...so maybe you’re not getting the full picture of him from posts made while processing something big and unpleasant.

Dial Hard · 25-07-2019 09:03PM

leggo wrote:

Ah here, the overreactions are getting hysterical at this stage. Guys do you realise youâ€™re also shaming the OP for shaming?

People are very understandably getting upset at the level of victim blaming going on. They are also trying to put themselves in the OP's shoes to try and understand the shock and anger and general distress he's feeling. But when that anger manifests itself as questioning his wife's - and other "females' " culpability in their sexual assaults, it's very, very difficult to read, particularly for those of us who have been through similar/identical experiences.

And for the record, I have no problem with your perceived "shaming" here. Certain behaviours deserve to be shamed. Perhaps if they had been called out more often and more openly we wouldn't have the litany of women on this thread sharing the experiences they've had.

Ursus Horribilis · 25-07-2019 10:04PM

Our OP has also had nearly a week to digest this revelation. It says a lot for his mindset that after several days, he has only made it as far questioning his wife's participation in the assault. A lot of women recounted the things that have happened to them but it looks like that was a waste of bandwith. That's what is infuriating here. I think this might be one of those cases where you have to be a woman to understand what it's like. Like just about every woman out there, I've been groped, had to fend off fellas with wandering hands, unwanted grinding, been propositioned etc. I could easily see my 16 year old self being victim of a sexual assault like the OP's wife suffered. Actually, I'm not sure how I'd handle it now. I'd argue that when it comes to a sexual assault of any sort, women find themselves questioning their role in how it happened. Did they do something to lead their attacker on? Did they bring it on themselves etc? I've no doubt that the OP's wife thought long and hard about that too. Our OP wants to ask her "many questions" which implies he doesn't believe her story. He thinks she's lying, that she somehow brought this on herself. He hasn't quite said that but that's where this is going.

qwerty13 · 25-07-2019 11:32PM

I have to say that I think it’s entirely valid to point out that the OP should be shamed and ashamed of his views.

And that he should examine why he felt that his wife was a ‘goddess’, but now that he knows that she had an unwanted sexual encounter in her teens, well she must have been promiscuous. That is just horrifying to me.

ETA: I’d be shocked and so upset if a partner felt like that if I’d disclosed something so upsetting and personal. I couldn’t see the relationship lasting tbh.

Shocked By Conversation With Wife

Comments