Shocked By Conversation With Wife

zoe 3619

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PressRun

"Shaming the OP for shaming" - what??
I've heard it all now.

leggo

PressRun wrote: »

"Shaming the OP for shaming" - what??
I've heard it all now.

It’s like when people respond to bullying by bullying the initially bully because they now feel justified. Nothing is helped, no situation is better as a result of it, everyone involved is worse off, but it feels cathartic in the moment for people to do.

miamee

miamee wrote: »

In telling her partner years later, it's likely that all a woman wants is some empathy, comforting and a listening ear , not to look at her other half get riled up about how angry HE is. The anger is natural; allowing it to take precedence when your wife/oh has just told you something that is very personal, intimate and upsetting to her is a bit selfish.

The bolded part is something it took me years to work out. I think it's a fundamental difference in how a typical man views the world compared to a typical woman - caveat here that I know men and women that behave the opposite way but more typically this is how it plays out.

The woman thinks the anger is somehow a way of the man getting attention for himself while it is actually the last thing the man is looking for and his way of showing empathy to her. The kind of "isn't that terrible for you" conversations that many women have are just completely alien to many men. To my ears it just sounds completely insincere and almost condescending, but to my wife's it sounds caring. So now I tell her I am upset and the reasons why and not because I don't care or want to make it all about me.

Conversely she has eased off on the "isn't that terrible" type responses when I tell her something. It works well for us.

Again these are gut reactions. Not something that should play out over weeks or months.

Church on Tuesday

OP, it's pretty irrelevant right now as to what happened over twenty years ago.

Your wife seems like a very strong, together, resilient person. It would appear she told you this is a fairly off the cuff manner.

It is fairly understandable to be upset and angry over what happened to your wife as she was clearly taken advantage of, however, please do not equate this with promiscuity on her part because she had a life long before she met you and vice versa.

If she feels the need in the future to to bring the issue up again then just listen to what she has to say about it, ask her how she felt/feels about it now and leave it at that. In other words, just be there for her and listen to what she wants to say about it and comfort her if need be in a calm manner.

If not, then let this be it. It's in the past. Process the information, accept it for what it was and move on.

shesty

Ah jeez lads.We had a conversation like this in work recently, three women and one male, and the male was horrified.Horrified.We all work in a heavily male dominated industry and as women, we all had tales to tell (and we are in our mid-30s).I can't remember how it came up, but we were just chatting and the single man present was absolutely shocked that this crap was going on and he never noticed, or moreso, didn't realise that we have to think the way we do.For example,on work nights out-when enough drink is enough, who to steer clear of,who not to be left alone with, how to know when to draw the line and call time to go home...stuff we all took for granted.Never mind the crap we put up with over the years.We take it as part of life, he was angry and horrified on our behalf.

OP,your wife was 16, it was a particularly nasty experience, and that is it.Women are aware of these things.Doesn't make them right.But there is nothing you can do, and no reason why she "witheld" it from you-probably just never thought to discuss it-it's filed away in her head with all the nights being groped or propositioned in nightclubs, wolfwhistled at as she walked down a street, walking home in the dark with your keys clenched in her fist....that stuff.It's life as a woman, I'm afraid.