Am I annoyed over nothing

laurey · 05-07-2019 10:00PM #1

Recently I began living with my brother. I've noticed an unfairness about him. I always offer him food and often cook a big dish with the intention to have food for the next day and there'll never be any left over as he finishes it. I dont mind this as I'm by nature a giving person and I like to be kind. But I've noticed he is so mean. He will do a BBQ or make a delicious lunch and never offers me. I asked for a taste once and he told me to get a spoon to try a bit. There's never an invite for me to get dinner etc. The other day I had no food left and short of money so I took one of his steaks to cook and he had such a hissy fit that I went straight to the shop and bought him a new packet. Yet I cook a chicken and he'll help himself and eat it all on me and none left. He seems a bit spoilt and I'm afraid to talk to him because he gets sad and then my family give out to me for being mean to him.. shud I leave it or any suggestions what I cud say?

leggo · 05-07-2019 10:11PM

Your frustration is understandable, but you'll likely have to be the one who adjusts here. I'd start treating it like a regular housemate arrangement and not making him food, then asking if you want to use his food rather than just assuming. And when I say treating it like a regular housemate arrangement, by the way, I mean actually doing so and accepting that that's the way it is and not doing so passive aggressively in order to 'teach him', on the off-chance you're that way inclined! Trying to change him in any way will likely result in a dead end with only you left upset.

It would be nice if you could have that friendly give-and-take relationship, especially with your brother, but it's not necessary to a shared living situation and it's both unlikely he'll change and he doesn't actually have to either. So accept and adjust to the state of play as it is for the benefit of your own sanity.

laurey · 05-07-2019 10:27PM

Thank you leggo. I can not make him food in future but the problem is that he sees me cooking and kind of hangs around looking hungry and I feel sorry for him and I feel awful greedy if I don't offer. I just wish he was the same. When it's the other way around he won't even think of me. He's happy to see me starving and still won't offer. Also i often cook a large amount so I don't need to cook everyday but he sees it then as leftover..

Ursus Horribilis · 05-07-2019 10:30PM

Is your brother a bit vulnerable or something? It just seems a bit "off", the way you're describing the whole arrangement. Has he ever lived with anyone who wasn't a family member?

antix80 · 05-07-2019 10:31PM

Op, sometimes you have to step back to see how silly a situation is.

laurey · 05-07-2019 10:32PM

antix80 wrote: »

Op, sometimes you have to step back to see how silly a situation is.

Ye maybe I'm being silly. That's why I wanted opinions here before making it an issue

antix80 · 05-07-2019 10:34PM

Cook what you need.

Solution 2. Have the tupperware containers ready. Throw in some rice and sweetcorn so it's clear to him it's for you the next day and not for sharing.

If he asks for some, give him some on a spoon

igCorcaigh · 05-07-2019 10:39PM

He's grand.

Just give him a clip in the ear next time if he takes your food. And keep your food to yourself.

Don't overthink it OP. I'm sure he's not.

laurey · 05-07-2019 10:41PM

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Is your brother a bit vulnerable or something? It just seems a bit "off", the way you're describing the whole arrangement. Has he ever lived with anyone who wasn't a family member?

Now that you say it yes he is vulnerable. About 3 years ago he was diagnosed with coeliac disease and his life centres around it now. He has a poor me attitude. I can't complain about anything because he has this. He was always the spoilt child in our house. Parents always bought him his food and treated him like a baby whereas I always bought my own food.

Seth Brundle · 05-07-2019 10:46PM

laurey wrote: »

Now that you say it yes he is vulnerable. About 3 years ago he was diagnosed with coeliac disease and his life centres around it now. He has a poor me attitude. I can't complain about anything because he has this. He was always the spoilt child in our house. Parents always bought him his food and treated him like a baby whereas I always bought my own food.

Being a coeliac doesn't make one vulnerable!
He just sounds like your bog standard selfish dick!

strandroad · 05-07-2019 10:49PM

laurey wrote: »

Now that you say it yes he is vulnerable. About 3 years ago he was diagnosed with coeliac disease and his life centres around it now. He has a poor me attitude. I can't complain about anything because he has this. He was always the spoilt child in our house. Parents always bought him his food and treated him like a baby whereas I always bought my own food.

He is spoilt alright. Why don't you simply say "please don't take my food, it's usually prepared for tomorrow"? What would he say to that?

laurey · 05-07-2019 10:54PM

strandroad wrote: »

He is spoilt alright. Why don't you simply say "please don't take my food, it's usually prepared for tomorrow"? What would he say to that?

See I also have an issue where I find it hard to say that without feeling guilty and awful. What's wrong with me?? Like I'll literally suffer after thinking I'm so awful not sharing. He makes it hard for me tho Cos he stands on top of me when I'm cooking and says "that smells amazing" etc and "I'm so hungry what will I have"
But maybe if he asks for some I can say "I made extra so I don't need to cook for tomorrow." And if he keeps hinting then I'll make it clear how he never does the same for me etc.. I'm not sure if he doesn't realise from being spoilt or is just selfish..

yaya* · 05-07-2019 11:03PM

I’m sorry OP but it sounds to me like he’s taking the absolute pi** out of you.
You need to stand up for yourself and forget about feeling guilty for it. It sounds like he has a lot of growing up and maturing to do?

Ursus Horribilis · 05-07-2019 11:14PM

What age is this clown?

PARlance · 05-07-2019 11:27PM

Time to start cooking with a bit more gluten...

When you say you've recently started living with him, is it his house?

strandroad · 05-07-2019 11:28PM

laurey wrote: »

He makes it hard for me tho Cos he stands on top of me when I'm cooking and says "that smells amazing" etc

Say "thank you, I'll have it for nice lunch tomorrow"

and "I'm so hungry what will I have"

Say "I don't know, what do you plan on cooking?"

You need to cut him off and he needs to grow up.

strandroad · 05-07-2019 11:31PM

PARlance wrote: »

Time to start cooking with a bit more gluten...

If he is really coeliac and mot just mildly intolerant the entire kitchen needs to be free of gluten, even trace of it can cause a reaction.

OP is this the case?

lulu1 · 06-07-2019 12:23AM

He is a spoilt brat who knows how to make you feel guilty.

OP you need to stand up for yourself and tell him to cook his own meals

LegacyUser · 06-07-2019 12:26AM

When you offer him food do you mention you want some for next day? Maybe he thinks he's just finishing off leftovers if you haven't actually said anything. He's not vulnerable and his life shouldn't revolve around gluten free, just his diet.

laurey · 06-07-2019 12:29AM

PARlance wrote: »

Time to start cooking with a bit more gluten...

When you say you've recently started living with him, is it his house?

He's 33 and no it's not his house

laurey · 06-07-2019 12:32AM

lulu1 wrote: »

He is a spoilt brat who knows how to make you feel guilty.

OP you need to stand up for yourself and tell him to cook his own meals

Thanks for the support lulu. I need to practice being tougher thanks I'll try that. I would love to cook for him if he even cooked once for me but I guess he just takes me for granted I feel unappreciated. I know I have to be firmer with him and will try to stop feeling guilty. I know it's unfair. You're right he knows I'm soft

laurey · 06-07-2019 12:34AM

strandroad wrote: »

If he is really coeliac and mot just mildly intolerant the entire kitchen needs to be free of gluten, even trace of it can cause a reaction.

OP is this the case?

No it's not that strict. He eats bits and pieces of gluten here and there. I think he's intolerant more than allergic

InPsyDer · 06-07-2019 12:40AM

Your brother, whether intentionally or not, is being a spoiled and selfish brat. The next time he comes sniffing around you for a food handout just directly say to him "I can't help noticing that whenever I cook, I share my dinner with you and actually, that happens all the time. Don't you think it's a bit cr4p how you never do the same for me? Do you think that's fair, I don't?" If that seems too forceful then at the very least you could lightheartedly say "ok, have a bite but you owe me a dinner now haha!" Then next time "oh that's two dinners you owe me now!" etc. It's no different than any houseshare situation, failure to communicate only leads to internal suffering and rage on the part of the wronged party....while the other person remains blissfully oblivious.

Ursus Horribilis · 06-07-2019 01:01AM

laurey wrote: »

No it's not that strict. He eats bits and pieces of gluten here and there. I think he's intolerant more than allergic

Is an intolerance not an allergy? Was he ever properly diagnosed as a coeliac or is it something he made up? If so, did he listen to a word the doctors told him? Doesn't sound like it if he's still eating "bits and pieces of gluten". I happen to know a couple of coeliacs well and they both have to watch like hawks everything that goes into their mouths. One of the people I know doesn't really get noticeable symptoms if they accidentally eat something with gluten in it. Neither makes a fuss about their condition, even though it can be quite an inconvenience. It's still possible to eat a varied diet and enjoy food despite having this condition. If your brother is moronic enough to eat gluten, he has bigger problems than scoffing your food.

You've got two options here. Either you learn how to say No and pull your brother up on his behaviour. Or you decide to cook for the poor lamb and ask for money from him so you can split the food bill 50/50. It's up to you.

Mostly though, you need to learn how to be assertive. It's not just your brother that your family have ruined. They've done a number on you too. You shouldn't be afraid to say "no" to him without having family getting involved.

B0jangles · 06-07-2019 07:58AM

He's behaving like a child and treating you like a replacement mammy. You have to stop being guilt-tripped by your adult brother, he won't starve like.

Don't expect him to change though, because you'll be waiting a very very long time. Just stop indulging his childishness.

gwalk · 06-07-2019 08:45AM

33 years of age and he behaves like that

You need to stop enabling him

Cushtie · 06-07-2019 09:18AM

gwalk wrote: »

33 years of age and he behaves like that

You need to stop enabling him

This ^^^^^

SirChenjin · 06-07-2019 10:18AM

As others have said, just be straight with him about it. Say it to him, don't rely on hints or anything else.

Him kicking up about you taking a steak and you feeling that you had to replace it while he is happy to eat your food, to heck with that!

Nip it in the bud now.

osarusan · 06-07-2019 11:26AM

On the food issue. Get some tupperware boxes and label them clearly: Monday Lunch, Monday Dinner etc, so he can't play the 'just getting rid of leftovers' card.

He sounds fairly practiced at wheedling as much as he can out of people, you need to get it into his head that you won't be one of those people.

hairyprincess · 06-07-2019 11:30AM

Why not sit down together at the weekends and plan out meals for the week. For example you will cook x on Monday, that will do for Monday and Tuesday dinners. He cooks y on Wednesday and that will do Wednesday and Thursday dinners. Carry it into the weekend if you like or do your own thing, but you need to be very clear.

zapper55 · 06-07-2019 03:44PM

Hw sounds mean and stingy and taking advantage of the fact that if you say anything to him your family will give out to you. I think you should tell him to stop taking you food when there is no proper sharing by him. And when your family give out tell them that of they do it again you might have to consider.moving out.

I have two friends with coeliacs disease. If he can eat gluten (in any measure) then he doesnt have it. He sounds like a spoilt child.

Am I annoyed over nothing

Comments