Am I annoyed over nothing

laurey

Recently I began living with my brother. I've noticed an unfairness about him. I always offer him food and often cook a big dish with the intention to have food for the next day and there'll never be any left over as he finishes it. I dont mind this as I'm by nature a giving person and I like to be kind. But I've noticed he is so mean. He will do a BBQ or make a delicious lunch and never offers me. I asked for a taste once and he told me to get a spoon to try a bit. There's never an invite for me to get dinner etc. The other day I had no food left and short of money so I took one of his steaks to cook and he had such a hissy fit that I went straight to the shop and bought him a new packet. Yet I cook a chicken and he'll help himself and eat it all on me and none left. He seems a bit spoilt and I'm afraid to talk to him because he gets sad and then my family give out to me for being mean to him.. shud I leave it or any suggestions what I cud say?

leggo

Your frustration is understandable, but you'll likely have to be the one who adjusts here. I'd start treating it like a regular housemate arrangement and not making him food, then asking if you want to use his food rather than just assuming. And when I say treating it like a regular housemate arrangement, by the way, I mean actually doing so and accepting that that's the way it is and not doing so passive aggressively in order to 'teach him', on the off-chance you're that way inclined! Trying to change him in any way will likely result in a dead end with only you left upset.

It would be nice if you could have that friendly give-and-take relationship, especially with your brother, but it's not necessary to a shared living situation and it's both unlikely he'll change and he doesn't actually have to either. So accept and adjust to the state of play as it is for the benefit of your own sanity.

laurey

Thank you leggo. I can not make him food in future but the problem is that he sees me cooking and kind of hangs around looking hungry and I feel sorry for him and I feel awful greedy if I don't offer. I just wish he was the same. When it's the other way around he won't even think of me. He's happy to see me starving and still won't offer. Also i often cook a large amount so I don't need to cook everyday but he sees it then as leftover..

Ursus Horribilis

Is your brother a bit vulnerable or something? It just seems a bit "off", the way you're describing the whole arrangement. Has he ever lived with anyone who wasn't a family member?

antix80

Op, sometimes you have to step back to see how silly a situation is.

laurey

antix80 wrote: »

Op, sometimes you have to step back to see how silly a situation is.

Ye maybe I'm being silly. That's why I wanted opinions here before making it an issue

antix80

Cook what you need.

Solution 2. Have the tupperware containers ready. Throw in some rice and sweetcorn so it's clear to him it's for you the next day and not for sharing.

If he asks for some, give him some on a spoon

igCorcaigh

He's grand.

Just give him a clip in the ear next time if he takes your food. And keep your food to yourself.

Don't overthink it OP. I'm sure he's not.

laurey

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Is your brother a bit vulnerable or something? It just seems a bit "off", the way you're describing the whole arrangement. Has he ever lived with anyone who wasn't a family member?

Now that you say it yes he is vulnerable. About 3 years ago he was diagnosed with coeliac disease and his life centres around it now. He has a poor me attitude. I can't complain about anything because he has this. He was always the spoilt child in our house. Parents always bought him his food and treated him like a baby whereas I always bought my own food.

Seth Brundle

laurey wrote: »

Now that you say it yes he is vulnerable. About 3 years ago he was diagnosed with coeliac disease and his life centres around it now. He has a poor me attitude. I can't complain about anything because he has this. He was always the spoilt child in our house. Parents always bought him his food and treated him like a baby whereas I always bought my own food.

Being a coeliac doesn't make one vulnerable!
He just sounds like your bog standard selfish dick!

strandroad

laurey wrote: »

Now that you say it yes he is vulnerable. About 3 years ago he was diagnosed with coeliac disease and his life centres around it now. He has a poor me attitude. I can't complain about anything because he has this. He was always the spoilt child in our house. Parents always bought him his food and treated him like a baby whereas I always bought my own food.

He is spoilt alright. Why don't you simply say "please don't take my food, it's usually prepared for tomorrow"? What would he say to that?

laurey

strandroad wrote: »

He is spoilt alright. Why don't you simply say "please don't take my food, it's usually prepared for tomorrow"? What would he say to that?

See I also have an issue where I find it hard to say that without feeling guilty and awful. What's wrong with me?? Like I'll literally suffer after thinking I'm so awful not sharing. He makes it hard for me tho Cos he stands on top of me when I'm cooking and says "that smells amazing" etc and "I'm so hungry what will I have"
But maybe if he asks for some I can say "I made extra so I don't need to cook for tomorrow." And if he keeps hinting then I'll make it clear how he never does the same for me etc.. I'm not sure if he doesn't realise from being spoilt or is just selfish..

yaya*

I’m sorry OP but it sounds to me like he’s taking the absolute pi** out of you.
You need to stand up for yourself and forget about feeling guilty for it. It sounds like he has a lot of growing up and maturing to do?

Ursus Horribilis

What age is this clown?

PARlance

Time to start cooking with a bit more gluten...

When you say you've recently started living with him, is it his house?

strandroad

laurey wrote: »

He makes it hard for me tho Cos he stands on top of me when I'm cooking and says "that smells amazing" etc

Say "thank you, I'll have it for nice lunch tomorrow"

and "I'm so hungry what will I have"

Say "I don't know, what do you plan on cooking?"

You need to cut him off and he needs to grow up.

strandroad

PARlance wrote: »

Time to start cooking with a bit more gluten...

If he is really coeliac and mot just mildly intolerant the entire kitchen needs to be free of gluten, even trace of it can cause a reaction.

OP is this the case?

lulu1

He is a spoilt brat who knows how to make you feel guilty.

OP you need to stand up for yourself and tell him to cook his own meals

LegacyUser

When you offer him food do you mention you want some for next day? Maybe he thinks he's just finishing off leftovers if you haven't actually said anything. He's not vulnerable and his life shouldn't revolve around gluten free, just his diet.

laurey

PARlance wrote: »

Time to start cooking with a bit more gluten...

When you say you've recently started living with him, is it his house?

He's 33 and no it's not his house

laurey

lulu1 wrote: »

He is a spoilt brat who knows how to make you feel guilty.

OP you need to stand up for yourself and tell him to cook his own meals

Thanks for the support lulu. I need to practice being tougher thanks I'll try that. I would love to cook for him if he even cooked once for me but I guess he just takes me for granted I feel unappreciated. I know I have to be firmer with him and will try to stop feeling guilty. I know it's unfair. You're right he knows I'm soft

laurey

strandroad wrote: »

If he is really coeliac and mot just mildly intolerant the entire kitchen needs to be free of gluten, even trace of it can cause a reaction.

OP is this the case?

No it's not that strict. He eats bits and pieces of gluten here and there. I think he's intolerant more than allergic

InPsyDer

Your brother, whether intentionally or not, is being a spoiled and selfish brat. The next time he comes sniffing around you for a food handout just directly say to him "I can't help noticing that whenever I cook, I share my dinner with you and actually, that happens all the time. Don't you think it's a bit cr4p how you never do the same for me? Do you think that's fair, I don't?" If that seems too forceful then at the very least you could lightheartedly say "ok, have a bite but you owe me a dinner now haha!" Then next time "oh that's two dinners you owe me now!" etc. It's no different than any houseshare situation, failure to communicate only leads to internal suffering and rage on the part of the wronged party....while the other person remains blissfully oblivious.

Ursus Horribilis

laurey wrote: »

No it's not that strict. He eats bits and pieces of gluten here and there. I think he's intolerant more than allergic

Is an intolerance not an allergy? Was he ever properly diagnosed as a coeliac or is it something he made up? If so, did he listen to a word the doctors told him? Doesn't sound like it if he's still eating "bits and pieces of gluten". I happen to know a couple of coeliacs well and they both have to watch like hawks everything that goes into their mouths. One of the people I know doesn't really get noticeable symptoms if they accidentally eat something with gluten in it. Neither makes a fuss about their condition, even though it can be quite an inconvenience. It's still possible to eat a varied diet and enjoy food despite having this condition. If your brother is moronic enough to eat gluten, he has bigger problems than scoffing your food.

You've got two options here. Either you learn how to say No and pull your brother up on his behaviour. Or you decide to cook for the poor lamb and ask for money from him so you can split the food bill 50/50. It's up to you.

Mostly though, you need to learn how to be assertive. It's not just your brother that your family have ruined. They've done a number on you too. You shouldn't be afraid to say "no" to him without having family getting involved.

B0jangles

He's behaving like a child and treating you like a replacement mammy. You have to stop being guilt-tripped by your adult brother, he won't starve like.

Don't expect him to change though, because you'll be waiting a very very long time. Just stop indulging his childishness.

gwalk

33 years of age and he behaves like that

You need to stop enabling him

Cushtie

gwalk wrote: »

33 years of age and he behaves like that

You need to stop enabling him

This ^^^^^

SirChenjin

As others have said, just be straight with him about it. Say it to him, don't rely on hints or anything else.

Him kicking up about you taking a steak and you feeling that you had to replace it while he is happy to eat your food, to heck with that!

Nip it in the bud now.

osarusan

On the food issue. Get some tupperware boxes and label them clearly: Monday Lunch, Monday Dinner etc, so he can't play the 'just getting rid of leftovers' card.

He sounds fairly practiced at wheedling as much as he can out of people, you need to get it into his head that you won't be one of those people.

hairyprincess

Why not sit down together at the weekends and plan out meals for the week. For example you will cook x on Monday, that will do for Monday and Tuesday dinners. He cooks y on Wednesday and that will do Wednesday and Thursday dinners. Carry it into the weekend if you like or do your own thing, but you need to be very clear.

zapper55

Hw sounds mean and stingy and taking advantage of the fact that if you say anything to him your family will give out to you. I think you should tell him to stop taking you food when there is no proper sharing by him. And when your family give out tell them that of they do it again you might have to consider.moving out.

I have two friends with coeliacs disease. If he can eat gluten (in any measure) then he doesnt have it. He sounds like a spoilt child.

beveragelady

This is a very good example of how somebody can convince themselves that they're a good and virtuous person by allowing themselves to be treated like dirt by a freeloader.

Your brother will continue to validate your existence in this manner until he finds an equally foolish lady to take him on as a project. She will fulfill your current role and he will let her because he has been allowed to form the impression that he is a special little lamb and everybody will always pander to his needs.

SirChenjin

'He seems a bit spoilt and I'm afraid to talk to him because he gets sad and then my family give out to me for being mean to him.. shud I leave it or any suggestions what I cud say?'

So if you try to point out the facts, he goes running to tell others that he is 'sad and you are being mean to him.'

At thirty something years of age...

I'm not sure there is anything else you can do except as most posters have suggested, talk to him. You could suggest that you both contribute equally to food buying, and cooking, that might help.

missmatty

My brother moved into a houseshare I was in years ago. The first week, he asked me to iron a couple of shirts for him. I did, and I charged him 5 euro for each one. That was the last time he asked me. Fairly soon after, he discovered the oven in the kitchen and figured out how to use it as well.

Your brother is completely taking the p!ss, I bet he's not coeliac either as real coeliacs (and I know both real ones & fake ones) have to be so careful with what they eat. Make your own dinners, freeze the leftovers and let him look after himself as he doesn't seem to have ever made you a dinner. You are enabling him even though you don't mean to. My brother was lifted & laid at home as well and I wasn't going to carry on the tradition.

qwerty13

It sounds like you are both products of your upbringing: he’s been mammied so much that it’s his norm to expect you to look after him, and that it doesn’t enter his head to reciprocate if you make dinner for him (or any number of household tasks, I’d imagine). And you’ve been expected to put your own needs second.

I think you should not live with him any more. You are both set in a bad pattern for yourselves. His current behaviour is going to do him no favours in any relationship he is in. He just has never grown up. And without being critical of you, you are in a bad cycle of people pleasing and guilt trips OP. The combination of the two of you sharing a house is actually extremely bad for both of you, and you are both stuck in behaviours that are not conducive to a healthy adult life

ILoveYourVibes

Yes. Sorry to be blunt.

You live with anyone things like this will happen.

You have to put up with whomever you live with. They have to put up with you.

qwerty13

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Yes. Sorry to be blunt.

You live with anyone things like this will happen.

You have to put up with whomever you live with. They have to put up with you.

Sorry that is simply not true.

People sharing a house do manage not to take advantage of each other / be a doormat for the other.

People falling into their old patterns is the problem. And that’s why the OP should absolutely not be sharing with her bro.

ILoveYourVibes

qwerty13 wrote: »

Sorry that is simply not true.

People sharing a house do manage not to take advantage of each other / be a doormat for the other.

People falling into their old patterns is the problem. And that’s why the OP should absolutely not be sharing with her bro.

I respect your view point. I don't however see it that way.

But its all depending on certain factors etc. If money is tighter etc. These things really matter.

If not they don't.

It's all relative I suppose.

I don't mean to shame. I just saying it as I see it.

It could be possible for some people that the price of food etc is more meaningful than to them than others.

I can't relate to that though. SO that was why i gave the answer i did.

But YOUR reply made me rethink what if other people are in different situations? So thank you for that. I would have remained less self aware only for you.

For some people fighting over something like that wouldn't seem worth it because it costs nothing to them. But that isn't the same for everyone. I just needed to be reminded of that.

qwerty13

Money being tight is one aspect, but I see that as not as big an aspect as the brother viewing his sibling as a replacement mammy - and the OP acting almost as that.

I don’t mean to insult the OP in saying that, but, well, that is how things seem to be - and the OP is clearly not happy with that arrangement, or else they wouldn’t have posted. The money aspect is just a symptom of the bigger problem: the brother being a man-child, and the OP stuck trying to please people/avoid feeling guilt. That is why I said that it’s a really bad idea for them both to be living together.

strandroad

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

It could be possible for some people that the price of food etc is more meaningful than to them than others.

It's not the price of food, it's the cheek and the effort taken for granted, and the practical difficulty when you can't even prep your lunch in advance or count on your food being the in the fridge when you open it again, because you are sharing with a pest.

ILoveYourVibes

qwerty13 wrote: »

Money being tight is one aspect, but I see that as not as big an aspect as the brother viewing his sibling as a replacement mammy - and the OP acting almost as that.

I don’t mean to insult the OP in saying that, but, well, that is how things seem to be - and the OP is clearly not happy with that arrangement, or else they wouldn’t have posted. The money aspect is just a symptom of the bigger problem: the brother being a man-child, and the OP stuck trying to please people/avoid feeling guilt. That is why I said that it’s a really bad idea for them both to be living together.

True.I never thought of it this way.

But then people say I am too giving. :rolleyes:

ongarboy

I guess I don't understand that OP would constantly give food to their brother and when the brother refuses to give food to OP, OP would never once challenge the brother on why they weren't reciprocating? That is all on the OP being a doormat. Where OP says they feel guilty and sorry for the brother if they don't give them food, that again is solely on the OP. Yes, the brother is being a dick and totally taking advantage of OP but OP is totally facilitating/enabling/encouraging it by being a doormat.

OP - stand up for yourself and stop feeling guilty or sorry for them as you are giving them full licence to take full advantage of you. PS - I like the suggestion about including gluten in everything you cook even if it would be a passive aggressive means of addressing the situation. Ensure you cook dishes with as much gluten laden sauces, bread crumbed chicken, battered fish, pasta dishes, sausages, gravy, white sauce, casseroles, soups, stews.

I'd question why you are even choosing to live with a thirty something sibling that grates you this way.

Ursus Horribilis

I guess it's all down to the conditioning. That for some unexplained reason, the family all indulged this fella and turned him into a child trapped in a 33 year old man's body. I bet the problems in this house-share aren't confined to the food issue either. Does he ever clean the bathroom or run the hoover/mop over the floors? I think I know the answer to this one.

AulWan

laurey wrote: »

I'm not sure if he doesn't realise from being spoilt or is just selfish..

You are being completely manipulated. He knows exactly what he is doing, standing behind you expressing how hungry he is while you are cooking.

You're going to have to put manners on him, or else he is going to keep using you.

valoren

Always turn it back on him no matter what you cook. If he does the milling around/pretending to be starving routine while you're cooking, tell him he's not getting any because XYZ has "loads of gluten" in it and he can't have any because you won't want to be responsible when (not if) he gets the "sh1ts".

Do that every time.

AulWan

Next time your cooking and he's mooching and comes out with "what will I have" simply answer "steak".

Paddy Cow

You have two options:

1 Continue to say nothing and let him eat all your food while he shares none.

2 Don't offer him anything when you are cooking and tell him not to touch the leftovers as they are for your dinner/lunch the next day.

You are not your brother's mother and he is not going to starve if you don't feed him. I think it would be healthy for you to work on your assertiveness and stop the people pleasing. Today it's your brother but in future you could fall into the same bad habits with a partner. Do yourself a favour and ignore his obvious begging. It's like feeding a stray dog - do it once and they'll keep coming back.

JustAThought

How did.you move in with your brother & not to his house? Did he move you into his flatshare / get you into an empty room in his girlfriends / or are.you both back with your parents?