Quality Time...

LegacyUser · 29-05-2019 12:46PM #1

I have been with my spouse for almost 20 years and in the last few, I have noticed that they have become increasingly needy and controlling. I don’t know if I am being unreasonable or if they are. I am really unhappy about it too.

We do not have children. We live about an hour from their family and two hours from mine. We work a few minutes from each other and have a commute of about ten minutes. I have always been more independent, but they are really not. Everything needs to be planned months in advance now and they essentially throw a **** fit if I spontaneously plan anything that involves us being apart a week in advance. It’s ridiculous at this stage. Every commitment needs to be discussed in detail, often taking a very, very long time. It needs to be noted In a diary and anything new will result in a massive tantrum and moods lasting weeks.

Our routine is like this: Get up, travel to work separately (I insist on this), meet at lunch for a 45 min walk, go home, spend the whole evening together. I literally have to lock myself into the toilet to get alone time and even then they will check at the door to see if I am ok. Weekends are spent together, at home or doing jobs. There may be a trip to the pub or to their family. I am allowed to go and see my family once a month at most and even then, I am never given any peace. I occasionally insist on going home alone for a weekend but there will be a week long strip over it.

They keep insisting that we never get any quality time together because we are always doing something (housework, exercise, tv) but I am completely smothered. If I meet up with friends, they will turn up. If I want to go and do something by myself they will try to drop me off and collect me.

I feel so smothered but they always insist that there’s no quality time. Their parents and siblings lead equally smothering lives, so they obviously think that it’s normal. One excuse that I get for never having the freedom to head away at the weekend is housework. I literally do it all. I cook, I clean and I shop. They don’t lift a finger, so occasionally when I just cannot do the cleaning with a shadow on a weekday evening, I put it off until Saturday.

There’s no joy in my life at all. I am smothered. My spouse hates my family as they see them as a bad influence, demanding that I spend time away from them. My family hate my spouse, seeing them as controlling, moody and rude.

Am I being completely unreasonable? How much bloody time together is needed to be quality time? I am at the end of my tether. I love my spouse, but I resent them too. My family and freedom are pulling one way and my spouse the other.

Goodigal · 29-05-2019 03:22PM

Oh God, I don't think you actually know the meaning of the words quality time. You have no time to yourself as it is. This person is indeed smothering you. I am not surprised you are feeling this way. Nobody should have to live like that. Perhaps you could start doing spontaneous things like meeting a friend for a coffee or a class and not telling your partner other than the bare minimum details. This is no way to live. You are being constantly supervised wherever you go. Why are you doing all the housework and cooking? Why are you meeting them for lunch every single day? Does this person have any other friends or colleagues that can entertain him? And give you a break!?

You say you are 'allowed' to go home to your family monthly? You are an adult, you can decide what you are doing when you like. Please speak to someone in a professional capacity about this. They can help you with a strategy to change your current life. Otherwise, you're not actually living. Wishing you well.

Neyite · 29-05-2019 03:27PM

I'm not surprised you feel smothered. It would feel very smothering to me.

The planning and control as well as the tantrums and sulking for weeks are control mechanisms, and you then end up avoiding any kind of independence that might set a tantrum or sulk off. So you begin to turn down invitations or events that you want to go to, avoid friends or family that he's made it clear he dislikes isolating you further . And you end up shrinking down your life so that you are basically around them 24/7.

Have a read of what Coercive Control is. Then have a read of all the other forms of abuse on that website, I've no doubt you'll identify with more than you realise. Then you probably need to have a good think about what you want to do.

Mr. Incognito · 29-05-2019 03:27PM

Have you tried couples Counselling.

Sometimes trying to justify this behaviour to an independent third party can act as a wonderful deterrent

Spending lunches together for example is a bit much also.

osarusan · 29-05-2019 03:28PM

Is it the case that they do their own thing when they want, but won't allow you to do your own thing when you want? Or that they feel the two of you should spend literally every available minute in each other's company?

Do they not have any friends/hobbies/things they like doing that don't involve you?

What exactly do they mean when they say 'quality time'? Have you ever talked about what that actually means to them?

Anyway, it sounds agonising...smothered is just the right word to use.

sbsquarepants · 29-05-2019 03:35PM

Unreasonable Time? wrote: »

I
There’s no joy in my life at all. I am smothered. My spouse hates my family as they see them as a bad influence, demanding that I spend time away from them. My family hate my spouse, seeing them as controlling, moody and rude.

.

Long story short - your family are right, listen to them!

hairyprincess · 29-05-2019 03:39PM

Has anything happened that could have set this behaviour off? It sounds to me as if your partner is very insecure.
Is your partner female? It could be as a result of the menopause and hormonal changes.
Regardless of what the problem is, it is seriously unhealthy, for both of you.

Dtp1979 · 29-05-2019 03:47PM

You’re not being smothered. You’re being controlled.

LegacyUser · 29-05-2019 03:58PM

To answer a few questions, I have joined classes, but I don’t have freedom outside those times. I am expected to make it up time wise. Unfortunately my friends are busy and tied up with children, so can’t spontaneously meet me. I utterly despise the lunchtime walks. I have walked during lunch for years, but they insist on joining me.

As for quality time, it’s time spent together doing nothing else. I have argued and argued this. It’s abnormal and nobody has time for this crap. I honestly thought that any time together watching tv, walking, etc was quality time. Apparently not.

Their family is strikingly odd in a way. For example, the parents do everything together. Shopping, driving, social stuff. The only exception is if one of the kids take their place. The kids are the same. Partner goes to another city for a day of training or a conference, they will take annual leave to be with them. I find it overwhelming.

This only kicked off a few years ago. Oddly, there was no obvious trigger. It’s like a different person has replaced my lovely, funny spouse. I am glued to my phone which raises their suspicions but they have locked me into the house, taken my phone and wouldn’t allow me to leave and go for a walk on my own. I keep my phone in case I need to get out again. They also accuse me of hitting them when I haven’t even thought about it.

They do have friends, but they are becoming increasingly isolated because of their moods and the way that they treat their friends. I encourage hobbies. Essentially though, they do as they want but I can’t. It’s really getting to me.

I have always been close to my family. If I call them, it has to be done from work or they will try to listen to the conversation and will cross question me.

As for the housework, they grew up in a complete pigsty with a meal from the local chipper on the table every night. They see nothing wrong with this. On the off chance that anyone has the wrong impression, they grew up in a very comfortable, middle class family. I grew up in a working class family but I have always done better academically and professionally. I am never allowed to forget my humble family. I am proud of where I came from. My parents work hard and instilled good work ethics and a love of education in us. They often sneer at my family. I just don’t know how to deal with any of it.

LegacyUser · 29-05-2019 04:10PM

They refuse to go to counselling. Flatly refuse to agree to it.

Neyite · 29-05-2019 04:29PM

He won't change.

So you probably need to have a think about what you want based on that fact. Those are pretty big decisions to make so you probably need to give yourself a good bit of time to get your head around it all and decide if it's worth it.

SozBbz · 29-05-2019 04:32PM

You only get one life OP, is this how you want to spend it?

This is the polar opposite of quality time. Its quantity time. As in, all of your time, but spent in misery.

You've not described any positives in this person, although you say he's not always been like this. While you're probably mourning the person he once was and the relationship you used to have, you really need to deal in the here and now and put yourself first.

This situation sounds like its teetering on the edge of being dangerous. Please don't let it get that far. Talk to your family, get support around you and start planning your exit.

wiggle16 · 29-05-2019 04:36PM

Unreasonable Time? wrote: »

They refuse to go to counselling. Flatly refuse to agree to it.

So they are not willing to change.

This might just be a thought experiment, but what do you think their reaction would be if you said that if they don't go to counselling with you, that you will go alone?

I don't know OP. You've talked to them about it, suggested counselling and they are refusing to engage with you. I don't think they realise just how serious this is.

I couldn't live like this, your partner's behaviour is absolutely smothering and controlling. Knocking on the door when you are in the jacks?? Jesus Christ.

If they won't change (and it doesn't sound like they will, they don't even sound capable of it) then I think you have a much bigger decision to make. This is no kind of life to lead.

Rubberchikken · 29-05-2019 04:36PM

if this is only something thats started in the past while, do you know if something has kicked it off?
their behaviour sounds suffocating and controlling and id just wonder if its being caused by health or age.

osarusan · 29-05-2019 04:37PM

Unreasonable Time? wrote: »

but they have locked me into the house, taken my phone and wouldn’t allow me to leave and go for a walk on my own. I keep my phone in case I need to get out again. They also accuse me of hitting them when I haven’t even thought about it.

ehh, wtf?

This is way beyond somebody just wanting to be with their partner all the time and assuming their partner wants to be with them all the time...this is way beyond that and is utterly controlling behaviour.

Sounds like they think if they let you out of their sight for more than 5 minutes you'll find somebody else and run off with them.

Needing to write stuff in a diary, checking on you in the toilet...they don't sound well.

OP, have you discussed with them the fact that they haven't always been like this? That things used to be different? Will they admit that this is true, or will they say that it has always been like this?

When you say that you feel smothered, how do they react?

Springfields · 29-05-2019 04:40PM

"I'm expected to make it up timewise" !!? That raises serious red flags for me. And this business of "quality time" - any activity done together qualifies in my opinion ...what do they want ? Sit there gazing into each other's.eyes ?! This is so not normal.... you will have to decide if you can continue to live like this....sounds unbareable to me..best of luck

qwerty13 · 29-05-2019 04:54PM

That is insanely controlling and smothering. I know it’s hardly the biggest issue, but the lunch thing is madness. So you basically only get away from them for a morning or an afternoon while you work? Not even the whole working day. Bloody hell.

Let them have their sulks and strops. And ignore all behaviour like that. Start being too busy to take lunch every day. As you don’t travel to work with them, I presume you don’t travel home with them. So don’t go home straight away every day. Even to have a half hour walk by yourself.

Having said all that, locking you into the house is very worrying. Whatever about their sulks and questions, locking you in is several steps up from this. Are you concerned for your safety?

I couldn’t handle 1/4 of that behaviour at all. I would leave. It’s no way to live your life. And they are treating you horribly. I don’t care if it’s the ‘norm’ in their family - you have the right to ask not to be treated that way, and to be listened to about it.

SirChenjin · 29-05-2019 05:28PM

Unreasonable Time? wrote: »

They refuse to go to counselling. Flatly refuse to agree to it.

Im not an expert whatsoever on this but I have often read/ heard that joint counselling is not recommended in certain cases, such as any type of abuse, for example.
It can lead to one party storing up things that are said to use against the other, afterwards and ultimately be more damaging.

So going to counselling on your own could actually be a good thing in the scenario that you describe.

Honestly, that is no way to live. Can you leave?

wiggle16 · 29-05-2019 05:40PM

Unreasonable Time? wrote: »

This only kicked off a few years ago. Oddly, there was no obvious trigger. It’s like a different person has replaced my lovely, funny spouse. I am glued to my phone which raises their suspicions but they have locked me into the house, taken my phone and wouldn’t allow me to leave and go for a walk on my own. I keep my phone in case I need to get out again. They also accuse me of hitting them when I haven’t even thought about it.

Don't know how, but I missed this bit! That's mental carry on. Seriously.

Reminding you about your more "humble" origins is a way of knocking your self-esteem, reminding you that you "married up" and did well for yourself in being lucky enough to end up with someone like your spouse. It's just another dominating behaviour.

Call it what it is. You're in an abusive relationship. Controlling, dominating, isolating behaviour and gaslighting you to boot. This won't change. Maybe they didnt act like this before but if a person is capable of behaving like this it means it was always in them to do so, and they don't change. I would leave, OP.

dobman88 · 29-05-2019 05:51PM

She sounds like a very controlling woman.

I initially thought she might have been hurt in previous relationships and has insecurities but you say you're together 20 years and you dont sound that old.

If you have tried to talk to her and resolve this, and it sounds like you've tried a lot, then I dont think you could carry on for much longer. Maybe have a chat and say things will have to change or you'll have to leave her for your own sanity.

Dtp1979 · 29-05-2019 05:53PM

dobman88 wrote: »

She sounds like a very controlling woman.

I initially thought she might have been hurt in previous relationships and has insecurities but you say you're together 20 years and you dont sound that old.

If you have tried to talk to her and resolve this, and it sounds like you've tried a lot, then I dont think you could carry on for much longer. Maybe have a chat and say things will have to change or you'll have to leave her for your own sanity.

Is it a her? I just assumed the victim was a woman in this

LegacyUser · 29-05-2019 05:59PM

They locked you in the house? Time to pack a bag and leave. Actually forget the bag, go to work as normal but walk right back out the door and go straight to your family. Tell them what is going on, you'll need their support.

Your partner won't do counselling, so there is clearly no hope for the relationship.

I'm not even going to suggest even trying to "fix it". This has all the hall marks of potentially becoming physically dangerous for you if you stay.

Stay safe, OP.

dobman88 · 29-05-2019 06:04PM

Dtp1979 wrote: »

Is it a her? I just assumed the victim was a woman in this

Dont know, just comes across as a man posting here. Happy to be corrected.

No shame in anything if it is a woman controlling a man, it happens and it's nothing to be embarrassed about.

qwerty13 · 29-05-2019 06:05PM

I read it that the abusive person is a woman. Not entirely sure why though. I was actually surprised when people started saying ‘he’.

dobman88 · 29-05-2019 06:09PM

qwerty13 wrote: »

I read it that the abusive person is a woman. Not entirely sure why though. I was actually surprised when people started saying ‘he’.

Same

secman · 29-05-2019 06:09PM

The use of plural as in "they" is very confusing, not sure if OP is male or female, either way the spouse is a conttol freak and it is certainly an unhealthy relationship.

cannotlogin · 29-05-2019 06:50PM

Whether they are a man or woman doesn't matter, they've taken your phone and locked you, it's far more than smoothering, it is abusive.

I would suggest you contact women's aid or amen for support.

dobman88 · 29-05-2019 06:56PM

cannotlogin wrote: »

Whether they are a man or woman doesn't matter, they've taken your phone and locked you, it's far more than smoothering, it is abusive.

I would suggest you contact women's aid or amen for support.

This.

Sexes are irrelevant. Its abuse, simple as. Get the help you need, if you feel like you need to work through things, do that but you need to look after yourself first and do what's best for you.

Best of luck.

tara73 · 29-05-2019 07:11PM

secman wrote: »

The use of plural as in "they" is very confusing, not sure if OP is male or female, either way the spouse is a conttol freak and it is certainly an unhealthy relationship.

the 'they' is on purpose and a very wise choice from the OP. If you're here a bit longer you know why, threads get derailed in gender generalisations or discussions and that's not welcome here. And in this case it doesn't matter at all whether the spouse is male or female!

OP, the behaviour of your partner is appalling and kind of worrying actually. On the other hand, there are two people involved, the other one is you. why do you let yourself be treated like this? I don't mean to be smart, it's honestly meant. You allow them to be treated like this and doing everything they demand.
First step here is to start changing your own behaviour and what you accept they tell you to do. Do your own thing, no matter what kind of tantrums they throw. Go out with friends, visit your family, do your hobbies.

I would also not recommend counselling in this case, as controlling, bullyish people would often use things being said in the sessions later against you. Also, they clearly doesn't want to and you can't force them.

wiggle16 · 29-05-2019 07:19PM

Mod note:

The gender of the spouse isn't relevant - the OP chose to withhold it so while it's natural to wonder, I'd ask that posters not speculate.
The OP and their spouse could easily be a same sex couple. So if the OP reads to you like a man, it doesn't mean their spouse is a woman or vice versa.

Thanks

Big Bag of Chips · 29-05-2019 08:32PM

You are in an abusive relationship. At first I was going to say it sounded like they were suffering from crippling anxiety. But it's much much more than that. You are being isolated from your family and friends, controlled and emotionally abused.

Women's Aid

AMEN

They're pretty much the same, but contact whoever you need to. This is escalating and is not going to magically stop.

Quality Time...

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