Quality Time...

Sephiroth_dude

Don't waste anymore time in this relationship, run for the hills and run fast.

Calltocall

The situation you describe is extremely messed up OP, that is way way beyond a clingy relationship, it’s as if you are a prisoner of this person, It’s abusive no question.

December2012

Firstly, you are not being unreasonable. AT ALL. The phone thing is very unreasonable on your spouses behalf, and it sounds like there is abuse. Whether that is something you want to try and end or work through, or continue to suffer, is up to you. There is no shame either way and you don't have to decide today.

I would not classify watching tv as quality time. However I would classify the walks as quality time, or any time talking, without the tv or a distraction. I would classify having sex / making love as quality time, intimate time.

However, in an adult relationship, with mutual love and respect, you should be safe to say that you don't want to go for a walk this time, or you don't want to see their family this time, or you don't want to do whatever it is from time to time, without fear or repercussion. And it sounds like you don't have that from your spouse.

Your spouse may have all the reasons in the world to be the way they are. Tough. You have tried to tell them that their behaviour is not what you married, and not what you want to put up with. So they don't just get to continue as they are, unless you want things to continue as they are. They are refusing to go to counselling - would they prefer to go to a solicitor?

So take the time (safely) to work on yourself. Think about what you want. Make a safe escape plan (which you may never need!). Get proper advice.
Mind yourself OP

Mollyb60

Unreasonable Time? wrote: »

they essentially throw a **** fit if I spontaneously plan anything
Every commitment needs to be discussed in detail
I literally have to lock myself into the toilet to get alone time
I am allowed to go and see my family once a month at most
If I meet up with friends, they will turn up
I cook, I clean and I shop.
My family hate my spouse, seeing them as controlling, moody and rude.

Unreasonable Time? wrote: »

I am expected to make it up time wise.
I utterly despise the lunchtime walks.
they have locked me into the house, taken my phone and wouldn’t allow me to leave and go for a walk on my own.
They also accuse me of hitting them when I haven’t even thought about it.
Essentially though, they do as they want but I can’t.
I am never allowed to forget my humble family.

OP read these bits back to yourself in isolation and think about what you would say to someone who described these to you. This is shockingly controlling behaviour and is not normal in any way.

.......

It sounds like your spouse has developed a mental health problem that is manifesting itself in this extreme of control and insecurity.

Whatever about the day to day issues you mention, which are considerable, you have been actually locked up by this person? No - thats just never going to be acceptable.

I strongly suggest you immediately tell your family what is going on here. You need support.

Then I suggest you pack a bag and leave. If your spouse contacts you tell them you need some space to think about things. Stay with a friend, family, a B&B or anywhere you can.

And then use the time to gain some outside perspective. You are currently in a pressure cooker, its very difficult for you to see how totally oppressive this situation is.

Someone who has degenerated into the level where they are locking their spouse in could become violent or worse. So I fear for your safety and think you should probably make a Garda report that you have been locked up by your spouse.

Tiddlypeeps

I agree with whats been said, you need to remove yourself from this situation asap. Not only is it extremely unhealthy but it's frankly dangerous. When you have some space and time to think you can figure out if this is something you even want to try and save, but you will not save it by staying where you are, they hold all the cards and have already expressed they don't want to work on it.

I would also recommend you seek counselling for yourself (I would not recommend couples counselling), but I'd recommend getting out of the house first as I strongly suspect they will have a severe reaction to learning you are going to counselling without them. It will set every insecure bone in their body on fire and they will be at their absolute worst.

Your family sound supportive, and it seems like they can already see what's going on, can you go and stay with them for a bit? Can you take some time off work to get some time to think things through? If not then a 2 hour commute is not ideal but it is manageable for a short while until you figure things out. 4 hours in a car a day will probably be a breath of fresh air compared to the suffocating situation you are in right now.

You deserve a better life than this.

The Princess Bride

I felt claustrophobic just reading this, I cannot imagine living it every single day.

Have you a supportive GP?
I'd suggest talking to them and perhaps taking some time off work- immediately-to get your thoughts together and plan what's next for you.

This behaviour is not normal, more that that, it's suggestive of someone with serious mental health issues.
And the fact that your spouse won't consider counselling suggests they don't see that there is a problem.

A quote I read recently that make so much sense.
"If it's not working, then get out.
Whatever it costs, and whatever emotional damage it might cause, you have to get out, because you only have one life."

Best of luck and mind yourself.

Rubberchikken

if a friend came to you and told you all that you have told us - what would your advice be?

that youve posted here is a great first step. you can see that this is an unhealthy abusive relationship and its run its course especially for your safety and right to live your life as you choose.

i agree with others, it doesnt matter if the op or the partner are male/female, abuse is unacceptable irrespective of who is doing it.

talk to your family op. they are probably worried sick watching this and feeling helpless.
take care

Bunny Colvin

The only question I have is why are you still in this relationship?

I felt smothered reading your post. You need to ask yourself 'what are am I getting out of this'. You're with someone who is controlling, insecure and frankly not well in the head. Listen to your family, they can obviously see it.

I also think relationship counseling would be a complete waste of time, even if your partner was willing to go. You said it yourself, their family is like that, that's what they were brought up with and that's all they know - they're not for changing.

Best of luck with whatever you do but just remember that you only get one life and it's a short ride, there's a hell of a lot more to it than what you're currently experiencing.

ManOfMystery

This isn't a relationship, it's a prison sentence.

You are literally being controlled, coerced and allowed no freedom. It is highly abusive behaviour and I would strongly encourage you to get out of there asap.

Be prepared for the behaviour to turn even more manipulative when this happens - expect tears, threats of not being able to go on, etc. This is all textbook behaviour in controlling relationships when the abuser begins to lose control and resorts to emotional blackmail, and you need to ignore it and let it wash over you.

suicide_circus

whether your spouse is suffering with a mental health problem is frankly irrelevant. Sounds like they pretty close to locking you in the attic or some other horror show. I would be contacting support services and moving out immediately.

lulu1

OP you dont need counselling you just need to get out and be able to breath without them watching your every move.

You have no kids to stay for i would just go

LegacyUser

Thank you for all of your replies. I feel so alone, so I really appreciate everyone taking the time to reply to me.

I am pretty lonely, despite the company. I have been thinking a lot over the last few days and I have realised that apart from the financial contribution, my spouse does not make a single positive contribution to my life. They earn €500 more than me per annum, so that’s not exactly a big thing. Honestly, they used to make me laugh like nobody else could. They made me so happy for so many years. It’s completely different now. There’s constant anger bubbling under the surface. I walk on eggshells and I have realised that when I do get a short overnight break from them, I cry uncontrollably on my return journey. I used to be such a happy person but now I am just so sad and nervous all the time.

I have told my family as best I can, but with no freedom, it’s hard to open up. I have nobody to talk to about this. I am so utterly unhappy.

As for why I am still here. It’s complicated. We had a great relationship and it gradually changed. As it changed, I changed too. I became unhappy and we argued. If I explain that I want to spend time with my parents, I am told to grow up. If I get upset, I am sneered at. I am always told that I am being unreasonable and I just eventually found it hard to know what was true or untrue. I have always been very close to my family, but this is apparently childish. I want to thank you all for giving your opinions. I know that I need to go, but typically I am scared of the consequences. I know that they will come after me and my family, friends, work. I will have to give up my job because it just won’t be safe. Funny how I know that for a fact but I am still here. Food for thought there. Anyway, thanks again all.

Sardonicat

OP please call AMEN or Women's Aid, whichever is most applicable for you. They will support you and advise you how to leave and stay safe. You sound like you will need garda support, safety orders etc and they will help you with that. There's help out there for you. Is there any one in management at work you could confide in who could help you out with time off etc? Please reach out. You're not as alone or isolated as your spouse wants you to believe.

Ursus Horribilis

Unreasonable Time? wrote: »

I am scared of the consequences. I know that they will come after me and my family, friends, work. I will have to give up my job because it just won’t be safe. Funny how I know that for a fact but I am still here. Food for thought there. Anyway, thanks again all.

I wonder are you catastrophising? I would be very surprised if your family and friends don't already know what's going on. Often, the person in the eye of the storm is the last to figure things out. And furthermore, many of them will be only too willing to believe you and help you, should you decide to leave. They're just waiting for you to be brave and to take that step.

I'm also puzzled as to why you feel you need to give up your job. Do you believe your spouse will physically assault you? Or that they'll spread rumours that'll wreck your reputation. This is where taking pre-emptive action is vital. Tell your manager etc. about what's going on before he/she does something. You might also discover that they've got an idea about what's going on too.

As you've been advised already, please contact AMEN or Women's Aid and talk to someone there. It mightn't be wise to do so from your own mobile phone, given what you've told us already. But please, do call them. Getting some information can't hurt. And it's not as bold a step as leaving. Please do something, rather than spend the rest of your life in this dreadful situation. I hope starting this thread has lit a fire in you.

shesty

I genuinely cannot figure out if the OP is a man or woman.

But either way you do need to get out.You are in a prison here OP, you cry going back?You get locked into the house?You can't go visit your family?You can't even spend your lunch by yourself?I don't know whether you are male or female but go look up Women's Aid or Amen and they have "checklists" of what qualifies as an abusive relationship.You tick a lot of boxes on them.

Please get out, your life is worth more than.Good luck.

Hannibal_Smith

I always remember a really lovely religion teacher we had in school who told us about abusive relationships. She said it started with isolation. They would seek ways of separating you from your family and friends first. The next step they would belittle you, so that you believed you would be lost without them, or somehow had no option but to stay, so you couldn't leave and the next step was the physical abuse.

That maybe simplifying and streamlining a very complex issue, but reading your post the first two warning signs jumped out at me.

Some couples love spending each waking moment together. I'm sure we can all think of a couple like that. But usually it's complicit. Maybe if your spouse grew up with this, they believe not spending time together is an unsuccessful marriage? And desperation is compelling them to be so controlling?

Either way it doesn't matter, you've said you feel unsafe. So things have gone wrong. And dealing with it with them is no longer an option.

You feel isolated, you feel unable to leave., but you have a family who care about you enough to have spotted things already. Your friends maybe busy, but that doesn't translate in to unwilling to help. You have been referred to resources here that can help. You have options. Use them and get yourself out.