Sudden loss of my mother and funeral talk

jon1981 · 19-05-2019 11:43am #1

Hi,

I lost my mother suddenly late last week, I'm devastated beyond words. Due to the suddenness of her death (at 63) with no real medical issues to speak of, her body has not been released yet until they do a post mortem, which I hope is done tomorrow so that we can initiate the funeral arrangements asap.

I loved my mother dearly, so dearly I can't nearly describe it. I'm the only son and eldest of 2, there's no father on the scene. I'll be expected to say a few words and I have no problem doing this as I believe she deserves someone close to her to say some nice words about her.

My concern is breaking down into uncontrollable tears during the talk. I won't be planning to talk for more than a couple of minutes. Would anyone have any advice on how I can control myself during the talk?

thank you
Jon

JustAThought · 19-05-2019 11:49am

I am very sorry for your loss. It sounds so awful and unexpected.
You might find that writing a few lines out will help & practising reading them out loud in advance will help. I had to do something similar & made.the mistake of looking directly at my family from the alter which almost broke me but taking long deep breaths and having it written out and in my hand as I went up really helped. You might get a brother or.someone to.share it with you - sometimes.solidarity and a caring hand closeby can really give courage.

anewme · 19-05-2019 12:05pm

So sorry to hear your sad news. The only way to focus on not beeaking down is to concentrate for this very short time and remember this is for your Mum and telling people who she was and what life she led. Write it out, read it, practice it over and over, so you know what exactly what is in it so you wont break down. It will be hard, but remember you are doing it for your Mum.

Pause to breathe. I would not look down at the famiky but past them, for the few minutes you are speaking.

Its a tough time Jon,, so be kind to yourself.

Ursus Horribilis · 19-05-2019 12:11pm

Sorry for your loss Jon.
I agree with the advice above - writing out what you want to say really helps in any stressful situation. Not just at funerals.

If you don't think you can say a lot without breaking down, don't put that pressure on yourself. Nobody is going to be expecting a grand oration or anything like that. A few minutes is a lot of air-time to fill. Maybe you'd be better off just getting up and saying a few short thanks etc? Would you be open to having someone else talk some more about your mother? It's not going to matter who says those words, just as long as the congregation get to hear them.

19-05-2019 12:17pm

I'm so sorry, OP. Almost exactly a year ago I lost my own mum, just two weeks after losing another family member. You're numb and in shock at the moment, and even thinking a few days ahead is overwhelming.

My eldest brother spoke at my mothers funeral, his voice shaking and breaking at times. I spoke after him in much the same way and not a single person there cared. It's okay to not be as fluid or as eloquent as you usually are because it's not a usual scenario.

Write down what you want to say in little paragraphs so you have a little breathing space between them, or even just write out little bullet points of your most important points. You'll be fine, and if you do break down then every single person in the place will understand and it won't take away from your words.

Look after yourself.

SeaFields · 19-05-2019 12:17pm

Don't feel obligated with expectations on you or your immediate family Do what's right for you and what you believe you can manage at an extremely difficult time. Perhaps as others have suggested write what you wish to express and maybe ask a family member or close friend to read it on your and your family's behalf? The words will still be yours.

Very sorry for your loss.

This is it · 19-05-2019 12:21pm

Sorry for your loss.

I said a few words at my Grandad's funeral late last year, we were incredibly close. I had the exact same thoughts as you, how will I manage to speak without breaking down. I don't know if it's the same for others but for me I wrote a few lines down and rehearsed a little. When I got to the alter I was almost robotic like and, I would think, showed very little emotion, even though inside I was torn up.

Take your time, take deep breaths, and if you do breakdown, don't worry about it. Take a minute, settle yourself and continue, you'll be fine.

All the best.

banie01 · 19-05-2019 12:25pm

So sorry for your loss OP.
The typical whirlwind of an Irish funeral means all these things happen particularly quickly and at a time when you have yet to even really accept the loss yourself.

I lost my own mam when she was quite young and as the eldest of 8 it fell to me to lead the arrangements and offer a few words.
I was totally and completely emotionally overwhelmed during the eulogy. I sobbed my way through, finished it and as I sat back down afterwards thought of how my Mam would have understood

.
Not that I think many people in attendance understood what my last few sentences were...!

Don't worry about being stoic, or keeping it together.
There is no shame or betrayal in displaying your grief.
Remember your Mam, remember the good times that were shared and draw on those both as a reservoir of strength and an acknowledgement of your families loss.

I hope the day and the coming tribulations go easily on you and are made gentler by rememberable.

Alf Veedersane · 19-05-2019 12:33pm

Really sorry for your loss.

I had to say a few words at my own mother's funeral (also an untimely death) so I wrote it down and focussed on memories of her as people knew her and that, while unbelievable heart-breaking in the context of loss, made me proud and kept me from breaking down.

Write it down and just remember her as the mother you loved and still love dearly. Hopefully it gets you through but if it doesn't, it doesn't. Youve just lost your mother...no one expects you to not be devastated.

Best of luck.

Purgative · 19-05-2019 1:37pm

Jon so sorry for your loss.

Some good advice above. I'd echo the words above in trying not to catch anyone's eye when you're speaking.

If you breakdown you breakdown. Just give yourself a pass. No one that matters will think any less of you for it. Just don't add the burden of worrying about breaking down to your other emotions.

Be kind to yourself. I wish you all the very best.

spurious · 19-05-2019 1:55pm

I'm sorry for your loss OP.

I have been at a number of funerals where someone's words were read out by another person. It is perfectly acceptable if that is what you choose to do. They are still your words and sentiments. Not everyone is comfortable speaking in front of large crowds, even without the added stress of having lost someone. People know this.

wiggle16 · 19-05-2019 1:56pm

Sorry for your loss, OP.

Could you tell a friend or a cousin how you're feeling, and if they could read something on your behalf if you're not up to it on the day? I had to do this for someone at a funeral before, albeit I was asked at the very last second. As for reading and keeping it together, just try not to look out at the crowd/your family, that's what I did.

At least if you know you have the option of someone else to step in if you need it, it will take some of the pressure off you.

Mind yourself and take your time xx

Rubberchikken · 19-05-2019 4:13pm

jon, im so sorry for your loss.
you're in shock and deeply upset which is perfectly natural.
its lovely that you want to speak at your mums funeral.
i agree with the posters who say write it down. itll help you focus and keep your thoughts in order at a very difficult time.
you'll do your mum proud, she seems to have raised a wonderful caring person.

take care.

B0jangles · 19-05-2019 4:29pm

Practice what you want to say a few times in private, and focus on controlling your breathing if you feel that your voice is about to go.

Sincerest sympathies to you and your family - I can't imagine how shocked and confused you are. You knew your mum best - I'm sure she'd be so incredibly proud of you and of how you are managing to cope with this terrible situation. Please take care of yourself and try not to worry about the planning too much. She knew how much you loved her - that's all that really matters OP.

Paddy Cow · 19-05-2019 4:55pm

I'm sorry for your loss. Losing a mother is one of the hardest things you will go through in life. Definitely write down what you are going to say in advance and practice saying it aloud. Bring it with you and read from it. That's what my brother did.

I sang a psalm at my mother's funeral and I messed up a couple of the lines. No one cared or passed comment afterwards. Everyone has enough empathy to understand.

If you do break down or feel you are cracking, pause and take a breath. It just shows your level of love and grief towards your mother. Your mother will be proud of you, of that you can be sure

Stopped Clock · 19-05-2019 4:58pm

My mum died 3 years ago so I know a little about this. We were all very cut up by her death so none of us did readings or took an active part in the ceremony. Picking out the readings, hymns etc. was hard enough. The local parish priest was absolutely brilliant and he helped a lot. We wrote up a eulogy about mum and he did it for us. The only family member who got up onto the altar was my dad and it wasn't for very long. It was mostly thanks and some information about where we were going to have food laid on afterwards. The point is, there is no set formula for a funeral. If you don't think you can make a long speech then don't do it. If you feel you'll be sitting through the funeral dreading your moment on the altar, why put yourself through it. Nobody in the church will judge you if you don't do it.

shesty · 19-05-2019 8:32pm

If you feel you can go through with it, bring a bottle of water up with you. It will help you to take a few mouthfuls if you need it, if you are getting totally overwhelmed.
If you don't want to go through with it, everyone there will understand. So sorry for your loss.

splinter65 · 19-05-2019 8:50pm

Sorry you’ve lost your mother Jon. It doesn’t matter how old she was it’s a terrible loss.
You are under absolutely no obligation to speak at all, no family member is. It’s a recent phenomenon in Ireland , family members eulogizing deceased loved ones. If you are having a religious ceremony then the celebrant will be happy to sit down with you and your sibling (if it suits you both) before hand and discuss what you want to say, a brief life story of your mother, her interests, fond or fun memories, the pleasant aspects of her personality.
Then he or she will make the eulogy their “sermon” or “homily”. ( in a catholic funeral it would be after the gospel).
The celebrant will be happy also to do all the thanking for you at the end ( your mothers GP the hospital the neighbors etc) and invite everyone to wherever it is to have the soup and sandwiches, if your having soup and sandwiches.
Nobody expects you to “perform”. No one will think badly of you if you don’t get up to speak.
I hope it all goes well for you.

LimeFruitGum · 19-05-2019 8:53pm

It is common in my home area for the priest to do the eulogy. He would sync with a couple of family members in advance to get some key points and anecdotes. Family members or selected friends would do the readings.

You might prefer to say a few words at the afters where you might feel less pressure to speak up, than in the church? But again, whatever you are comfortable with on the day.

jon1981 · 20-05-2019 10:48am

Hi,

Thank you all for your kind words of support, this has really helped settle my anxiety towards the situation. I've still no certainty of the funeral date, the morgue has been not very responsive this morning, I guess they're tight on resources.

I'm sitting here trying to type out some thoughts and I'm ending up with nothing but incoherent gibberish. It really is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I'm trying to keep it short and simple but struggling to even structure the flow of the tribute I'm trying to put together. I'm sure I'll get there, I just need to force myself to do it.

At least if I have it written up I can still decide to hand it off to the priest at the last moment if I can't deliver it.

Jon

Ursus Horribilis · 20-05-2019 10:55am

Is there anyone who can help you write something up?

And seriously, if you are this distraught don't put yourself through the ordeal. You are under no obligation to do it. As someone else rightly pointed out, these eulogies are a newish thing. You want your mum's life to be marked and that's a very natural thing. You do not have to be the one who does it. And if you're struggling to even write something, maybe you shouldn't from the get go? You're still in shock and will find the funeral harrowing enough as it is.

pwurple · 20-05-2019 11:01am

It's a lovely thing to do, if you can. However, if you can't manage it, then don't beat yourself up about it.

As others have said , there are few things people do, in my experience.

- Write it out and Practice. At home in front of a mirror.
- Ask the priest to help / do it. This is part of their job, perfectly normal for them.
- Medicate. (I know a few people who went to the GP for a low dose of xanax or similar, to help steady themselves with the shock and distress of loss.)

AndrewJRenko · 20-05-2019 11:01am

Sorry for your sudden loss.

A slightly off the wall suggestion that I'm considering for my future, as I would often get too emotional to speak coherently

Would you consider recording a brief video of your thoughts, where you can take as many goes as you like to get it right. Check if the Church has a projector and audio facilities first.

votecounts · 20-05-2019 11:28am

Sorry for your loss OP. The priest should be able to do a lot of the stuff as he has been in this position before. If you intend to say a few words, write it down as it is easy to get emotional when talking about a loved one.
Sorry again for your loss.

ziedth · 20-05-2019 11:53am

Similar thing with my Grand mother. Although she wasn't well and much older her death hit my mother very hard and what we decided to do was I would accompany her to the alter and kind of stand to the side. Should she become too upset I would simply step in and finish it. She managed to get through it to her credit but she did crack a bit towards the end. Thant would be my advice and if you don't feel up to it don't put yourself under pressure. It'll be hard enough.

Sorry for your loss

Another day · 20-05-2019 8:43pm

So sorry for your loss, always a tough time.
https://www.onyourfeet.ie/blog/other/3-funerals-and-a-wedding/
The above gives some tips for dealing with the emotions while giving your speech. You might find other similar topics on YouTube.

Be kind to yourself over the coming days, let the emotions out and I am sure when it comes to it you will do your mum proud.

wiggle16 · 20-05-2019 10:54pm

I agree with Ursus and others here - if it is getting too much for you, don't put pressure on yourself to do it at all.

If you really want to but are struggling to put what you want into words, what about reading a short poem?

If your mother liked to read, maybe you could find a poem by an author she liked. If she wasn't a big reader, if you google image search "poems about mothers" or "poems about a mother's love" there are literally thousands of them out there, many of them very short, which means you won't have to be up there for very long. I know it's not for everyone but if you really want to read something and you are finding it hard to even put pen to paper then a short poem is a nice gesture.

ginandtonicsky · 21-05-2019 2:18am

Very sorry for the loss of your wonderful mother OP. I don’t have any advice to offer, just wanted you to know your post really hit me and my thoughts and prayers are with you.

Wishing you all the love and strength in the world.

....... · 21-05-2019 12:22pm

Sorry for your loss OP, I lost both of my parents suddenly in an accident many years ago.

I chose not to speak but the priest said he would speak on my behalf and in order to bring together what he wanted to say he asked me some questions about my parents lives - the highlights and things that would be good to remember. Some of this might help you.

1 - Where was your mum from and at what age did she move to where she raised her family.
2 - What is your strongest memory of your mum from your childhood and from your adulthood.
3 - Do you have a funny story about your mother? A private joke?
4 - What did she like to do, hobbies, interests.
5 - What do you remember of what she has told you about her pregnancy/birth when you were born?
6 - Did she have a favourite place, a favourite time of year/season?
7 - Was she an animal lover/or particularly kind to strangers/the homeless/charitable causes?
8 - Mention occasions/events where she will be particularly missed in the future.
9 - Any quirks or things that people would remember about her - was she always on time/always late/had a distinctive vehicle/bicycle etc...

Those were the types of things we remembered about our parents for the eulogy and the priest put together a lovely few words based on the facts given and his own impressions of them.

I hope this helps you in some small way.

jon1981 · 26-05-2019 9:59am

Thank you everyone for all the advice and words of support. With plenty of practice in front of my wife, I got through it. Many came up to me and complemented the narrative i put together on my mother. While it was nice of them it didn't really make any difference to me, it's hard to be happy at the moment.

I take comfort in the fact i did my best for my mother to ensure she got the lovely service she deserved.

Now it's time to grieve and get on with life. Thanks again, plenty of great advice on this thread for anyone unfortunate to be in this position in the future. The price we pay for loving someone.

Jon

ILoveYourVibes · 27-05-2019 10:50am

You don't have to control yourself. I have never been to a funeral where people managed to.

Everyone there will be there to love you and support you.

Sudden loss of my mother and funeral talk

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